03x25 - Lucy the Stockholder

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Lucy Show". Aired: October 1, 1962 – March 11, 1968.*
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Widow Lucy Carmichael raises her children and shares her home with divorcee friend Vivien.
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03x25 - Lucy the Stockholder

Post by bunniefuu »

Now, for our jumping exercises.

Stand with your legs together.

Ready? 'Cause here we go.

Legs apart, together.

Apart, together.

Oh, that's fine.

Now add the arms.

Apart, together.

And that is the end.

Viv, how about scrambled eggs?

You did it again, huh?

- Yeah.
- Oh, that was

- splendid, ladies.
- Oh, keep still.

And now for our
bending exercises...

Lucy, would you do me a favor?

Just don't turn the radio
on tomorrow morning.

Then maybe I can have my
eggs the way I like them... fried!

All right. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I got carried away.

You want fried eggs,
I'll get you fried eggs.

Picked up the mail.

Any mail for me?

Uh... yeah, there's
one letter for you.

Who's it from?

The Bureau of Internal Revenue.

What do you have to do to
get fried eggs around here?

The B-B-B-Bureau of
Internal R-Revenue?

That's what I s-s-s-s-said.

What do they want?

I don't know.
Open it up and see.

I wouldn't touch it
with rubber gloves.

Oh, come on now,
Lucy. You got to open it.

No. No. You open
it, and if it's bad news,

I don't want to hear it.

Okay.

- Lucy!
- What?!

You got a refund!

A refund?

Yes!

38 dollars and 23 cents!

Oh, what a wonderful government!

Oh, gee, I'm going to have to
send Lyndon a thank-you note.

Oh, I know just what
I'm going to do with this!

You're going to
put that in the bank.

No. That's too dull.

I'm going to invest
this in the stock market.

Oh, now, Lucy, that's a gamble.

No, it isn't!

Now, I want to invest it in
something that will grow.

I'm thinking of the future.

After all, I'm not
getting any younger.

I'm not getting
any older, either.

I'm in a nice, comfortable rut.

Oh, you don't know anything
about the stock market.

I don't have to know
anything about it.

I'll go see a stockbroker.
He'll advise me.

- Hey!
- What?

What about my breakfast?

Vivian, I can't waste my
time getting breakfast,

for heaven's sake.

I got to go buy some stock.

The market may be
going up right now!

Who knows? Someday, maybe
my $38 will be worth $38,000.

Or 38 cents.

Viv, that kind of thinking
is why I own this house

and you pay me rent.

Clean up the eggs, girl.

- Uh, Mrs. Carmichael?
- Yes.

Oh. Won't you please come in?

Thank you.

- Very nice to meet you.
- Thank you.

Now won't you be
seated over there, please?

All right, now then,
what can I do for you?

Well, um, I just came
into some money,

and I want to invest it.

A very smart move.

I know, I know.

Uh, my friend Mrs. Bagley said

that I should put it
into a savings account,

but I want to put the
entire amount in stocks.

The entire amount?

Yes, sir, every cent of it.

Oh. Yes, uh, well excuse
me, Mrs. Carmichael.

- Yeah.
- Uh, Miss Rose?

Yes, Mr. Phillips.

I don't want to be disturbed.

Hold all phone calls,
and tell Mr. Stevens

I'll have to break
that appointment.

I have a very important client.

Yes, sir.

Well, then, Mrs.
Carmichael, tell me, um,

what kind of stocks
did you have in mind?

Well, I really know very little

about, uh, the
stock market, but...

well, that's why I
came to you for advice.

Well, that's what I'm here for.

However, there are
different investments

and different goals
for every investor.

Oh, naturally.

And just what is your goal?

I want to get rich.

Well, that's, uh...
that's understandable.

But of course you realize

you, uh... you won't
get rich overnight.

Oh, I don't expect to.

I could wait a day or two.

Are you all right, Mr. Phillips?

Well, I'm not quite
sure, Mrs. Carmichael.

Um, uh, let's-let's get
serious for a moment,

shall we, Mrs. Carmichael?

Now, in order to get a
maximum amount of security...

Yes.

With a minimum of risk,

I would suggest
that you diversify.

Oh, that sounds
wonderful, just wonderful.

What does it mean?

Uh, it, uh... it means

that you don't invest all of
your money in one company.

You buy different things.

Like railroads

or automobile
companies or electronics...

Oh, fine. Fine.

I'll take a railroad,

an automobile
company, and electronics.

All three?

Why not?

Oh, well, that'll make
an excellent portfolio.

Oh, that reminds me.

Uh, Miss Rose?

Yes, Mr. Phillips.

I want you to order
a special briefcase

for Mrs. Carmichael in which,

uh, she can keep
her stock information.

The embossed leather type
with her name imprinted on it.

- Oh!
- Uh, what's your first name?

Lucy.

Lucy.

That's very nice.

Her name is Lucy Carmichael.

Oh, and I want
that in gold lettering.

Gold lettering?

Oh, in that case, perhaps
you should put Lucille.

Oh, uh, would you... Miss Rose,
would you make that Lucille?

Yes. With three Ls.

Three Ls?

Yes. One at the beginning
and two near the end.

Did you get that, Miss Rose?

Yes, sir. Three Ls.

Three Ls.

Now, let's see, Mrs. Carmichael.

How many shares of each
company would you like?

Well, as many as I can get.

Well, just how much
do you have to invest?

38 dollars and 23 cents.

38 dollars and 23 cents?!

Yes, sir, and I am willing
to invest every cent of it.

Are you sure you feel
all right, Mr. Phillips?

Oh, fine.

I haven't felt this
way since 1929.

Good. I thought maybe
something was wrong with you.

Oh, no, no. Um, I'll tell
you what, Mrs. Carmichael.

I think the best
thing for you to do is

to buy a share or two of
some good, conservative stock.

- Uh, like a bank.
- Oh.

Perhaps the very bank
with which you do business.

You mean I could own
stock in Mr. Mooney's bank?

Yes, your stock would
make you part owner

in this Mr. Mooney's bank.

A part owner?!

Oh! Well, it's the
Danfield Bank.

Yes, uh, D-Danfield.

Da... Oh, y-yes, Danfield.

Here it is, yes.

It's selling for $32 a share.

Buy me a share immediately.

Yes.

Well!

Now that I'm part
owner of the bank,

I'll be able to tell
Mr. Mooney a thing or two.

You know, Mr. Phillips,
you may not believe this,

but I have always had
difficulty with this Mr. Mooney.

Oh, I believe it.

I believe it.

All right, Mrs. Carmichael,
here's your receipt.

You can pay the cashier outside.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

I think I shall go
directly over to the bank.

You know, I haven't
been too happy

with the way Mr. Mooney
has been handling things lately.

Good day, Mr. Phillips.

Good-bye, Mrs. Carmichael.

Good morning, Mrs. Carmichael.

Morning. How are things going?

Fine. Fine.

Well, I'm very
happy to hear that.

Well, that's a nice, big
deposit, Mr. Williams.

We can certainly use that.

Keep up the good work, my man.

Can I help you, Mrs. Valance?

Oh, no, thank you.

I'm just making out
this withdrawal slip.

A withdrawal slip?

You mean you're
taking money out?

Oh, you shouldn't do that.

You'll only spend it,

and you'll hate
yourself in the morning.

Now, if you need money, you
just go to a finance company.

Well, Mr. Sommers,
that's a big, fat deposit.

If I ever get to the
head of this line.

Yeah, well, now don't
you worry about that.

Just step right over here.

Would you take care of
Mr. Sommers immediately, please?

You shouldn't do
this, Mrs. Carmichael.

Well, of course
I should do that.

I happen to be one of the
new owners of the bank.

You're an owner of this bank?

That's right.

Bye!

Well, I guess he was anxious
to spread the good news.

Stick 'em up!

Oh, it's you, Mrs. Carmichael.

What are you trying to do?

I'm trying to teach
you a lesson, George.

Anyone could walk in
here and rob this bank.

Do you know that?

You're going to have to be
a little quicker on the draw.

I got a nine-year-old nephew
that could outdraw you.

Now, you'd better
stay home nights

and practice your quick draw.

If you want to keep your job.

Mr. Mooney, would
you initial this, please?

Oh. Yes.

Thank you.

Oh, I beg your
pardon, madam. I'm...

Oh, it's you.

It's 11:30.

Where have you been?

Well, as a matter of fact,
I was in the boardroom.

I was tallying up something...

What concern is it of yours?

Well, now, that's
not a very nice way

to treat your
business associate.

Now, look, I don't
have any time...

My business associate?

That's right.

Mr. Mooney, you'll
be happy to know

that I have bought
stock in your bank,

and I am now your partner.

What do you think of that?

I think I'll k*ll myself.

You're kidding, Mrs. Carmichael.

Please tell me you're kidding.

No, I am not kidding.

The government gave me a
big refund on my income tax,

and I put it all in
your bank stock.

Why would my own
government do this to me?

Why? Why?

Lyndon.

Mr. Mooney, now that I
am part owner of the bank,

I want you to rest assured

that I am going to do
everything I can to help you.

You really know how
to hurt a guy, don't you?

You don't like me.

That is a masterpiece
of understatement.

Now, Mrs. Carmichael,
I'm very busy.

I don't want to talk to you.

I don't want to talk to anybody.

Danfield Bank.

Mrs. Carmichael,
stockholder, speaking.

Who? Well, I'm sorry.

Mr. Mooney doesn't
want to talk to anybody.

You... Why did you do that?!

You said you didn't
want to talk to anybody.

Who was it?

Oh, somebody named Bainbridge.

Bainbridge!

Well, he's the
chairman of the board!

I've got to get him back.

Well, what number it is? I'll...

Get your cotton-picking
fingers off that telephone!

Will you do me a favor?

Get out!

Well!

I know when I'm not wanted.

Hello there.

Hello.

Hi.

Where have you been?

I came just as
soon as you called.

Lucy, did you really
buy stock in this bank?

- Yes.
- What's the matter with you?

Oh, it's Mr. Mooney... Even
though I'm a stockholder,

he won't let me help him.

Oh, he's just like
my ex-husband.

All men are like that.

They don't think
women can do anything.

No. They want all the credit.

We have the babies;
they pass out the cigars.

Yeah.

Well, I'm not gonna
give up this easily.

As a stockholder, I have
an investment to protect.

Come on.

Y-Y-Yes, Mr. Bainbridge.

I know that
Dr. Kurtzman represents

a million-dollar
research foundation.

Well, I've tried to talk to him
about opening an account,

but he's a very
difficult man to see.

As a matter of fact,
he's quite peculiar.

Well, what? Oh, yes, oh,
I'll think of something, sir.

Yes, sir. You...
oh, yes. Good-bye.

- Mr. Mooney?
- Oh...

Oh, it's you two.

The Lady Wolf of Wall Street

and Typhoid Mary.

Mr. Mooney, could I go
and see Dr. Kurtzman?

Perhaps I could get his account.

You? It would take
someone better than you are.

Dr. Kurtzman is
no ordinary person.

He's eccentric, very peculiar,

he's strange,

rather weird.

Good heavens, you're
just the one to see him.

Oh, you have so much in common.

Well, th-then can I go?

- Yes, yes, yes.
- Oh, good.

But don't do anything

to antagonize the doctor!

No matter how
eccentric he seems,

- you'll be agreeable.
- Yes, sir.

All right, after the bank
closes, I'll come along.

- All righty.
- Yes, to finalize the deal, I hope.

Okay. Don't you worry
about a thing, Mr. Mooney.

No.

Hello. This is Dr. Oscar
Kurtzman's secretary.

Uh, we were wondering when...

Oh, they're on their way over?

Thank you very much.

- Oh, Doctor?
- Yes, yes, yes?

I just talked with
the university.

The volunteers
for your experiment

are on their way over.

Good, good, good.

Today is the day of
the great experiment.

Doctor, just what form is
this experiment going to take?

You seem very interested
in what I'm doing here.

Doctor, I work for you.

Don't come to me
with your problems!

Doctor, I must know what
the experiment is about

if I am going to
assist you with it.

Very well.

We will be utilizing
techniques that are called,

in the common, primitive
English word, "hypnosis."

Oh!

Now...

Oh! That must be the volunteers.

Go quickly, Miss
Thompson, get them in!

- Yes, sir.
- Send them in quickly.

Schnell! Schnell!

Right this way.

Hello.

How do you do, ladies?

- How do you do?
- Hello.

- I am Dr. Kurtzman.
- How do you do?

And you must be
the volunteers, yes?

Well, uh, yes,
you could say that.

Good. But wasn't there
supposed to be also a man?

Well, uh, I-I believe there
will be a man over later.

Good. Miss Thompson,
close, quickly, please,

the drapes, the
blinds, everything.

I'll lock the door.

So...

in this way, we keep out
the outside distractions

while you are being hypnotized.

And now, ladies, you
will please sit here?

Now...

you will watch this...

and soon you will fall asleep

and...

Donner und Blitz!

It certainly works fast!

Doesn't it always
work that fast?

I don't know; I
never did it before.

Well, fortunately, they
sent us two weak minds.

Come, let us see
that the special room

is made ready with
everything so just prepared.

- Viv?
- What?

You weren't
hypnotized, were you?

I'll say I wasn't hypnotized.

Now, I'm gonna get
out of here, Lucille.

No! Viv, now, listen, we got
to pretend to be hypnotized,

or we won't get the
account for the bank.

Now, please... -I...

Now, ladies, you are
in complete hypnosis.

Later, later, when
I wake you up,

you will have been
regressed to the age of five.

You will not see me or notice me

except when I click my clicker.

And you will obey me

when I click my clicker.

Now, open your eyes.

Stand up.

In a little while, you will
believe you are children,

you will behave as children,

you will be children.

Now, Miss Thompson,

take them out and
get them ready.

Come this way.

My dolly!

This is my... I
want that dolly, too!

- Oh, let me have it!
- I want that dolly, too!

- Oh, look at the playpen, the playpen!
- I got my dollies!

They're my dollies!

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

- Hello there, dolly.
- I want to be...

I want that dolly, too!

Oh, no, you can't have every...

- I want that dolly, too.
- Oh, a horse!

- Oh, look at the horse!
- I want to play in the playpen!

Can I have a push?

- Come push me.
- I want to be on the horsey!

- No, I'm gonna get on.
- I want to be on the horse...

I'm gonna get on!

You push me.

Push me! You push me!

Giddyap! Oh, hi-ho!

Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Whoa! Whoa!

Oh! Look at the chair!

I's a big girl!

I'm going to sit on the chair!

Hello, everybody.

I'm a big girl!

Now, that is probably
the male volunteer.

I will go and get him ready.

You stay here

- and take the notes.
- Yes, Doctor.

Hello.

My name's Vivian.

I'm pretty.

My name is Wucy,
and I don't wike you.

Oh...

I take dancing lessons.

I can kick over my head.

Okay, kick it over
here, and I'll kick it back.

That's not what I mean.

I'm gonna show you what I mean.

I'm gonna show...

Aah! I'll show you
how I mean, kick.

There!

I bet you can't do that.

- I can, too!
- Let me see you, let me see.

Let me see you!

- Aah!
- Ah-ha-ha!

I broke my wittle seater!

Aah!

- Is it hurting?
- Yes, I'm hurted,

and it's all your fault!

- I didn't do anything!
- You was... you was hurting me!

Children, children,

I do not want you to fight,
I want you to be friends

and have fun.

I wike you.

Oh.

And now, children, I have
a wonderful surprise for you.

- A surprise!
- What's the surprise?

- I want the surprise!
- Well, now...

- I want to see a surprise!
- You just wait and see!

Just wait and see!

You can come in now!

♪ Nee, nee, nee, nee. ♪

Why are you fellas
dressed like that?

'Cause we... us fellas is girls.

My name is Wucy.

Oh? How old are you?

I's, uh...

five.

I'm only four.

She's six if she's a day.

Wait.

What's that under your nose?

That's a mustache.

It is not! Only grown-ups
have mustaches!

Does your daddy have a mustache?

No! My mommy does!

That's a make-bewieve mustache!

It's weal.

It's a make-bewieve mustache!

It's weal!

- It's make-bewieve!
- It's weal! It's...

Aah!

He's wight, it's weal!

Oh, I hate you!

♪ They're fighting,
they're fighting. ♪

Children, I told
you, no fighting.

Now, the next
thing we will do...

- Doctor?
- Yes?

Doctor, something
terrible has happened.

- Terrible? Was ist los? What?
- You'd better come

- and see for yourself.
- All right, I come.

Now, you children stay like so.

I will come directly back.

- Whew!
- Whew, boy!

It's lucky we were
good at playing statues

- when we were kids.
- I'll say.

I almost d*ed when he came in.

Mr. Mooney, you were very funny
when you came through the door.

Hey, everything's going swell,

- don't you think?
- I'll say it is.

You could fool
anybody, Mr. Mooney.

I'll say he could.

Mr. Mooney?

Mr. Mooney? My goodness!

He's really hypnotized!

He's stiffer than Dean Martin!

Here they come!

- Uh-uh!
- But, Doctor...

How can you do such a mistake?

How is this possible?

I-I want to ask you...

Now I have to do once
again the whole experiment.

All right, you go back with
the others, I will finish up here.

- Yes, Doctor.
- Now, children,

listen to me carefully.

When I click my clicker, you
will become once again adults

and forget all that
has happened here.

Oh...

What in the world are you doing
in those outrageous costumes?

Look who's talking,
Little Lord Fauntleroy.

Oh! Good heavens!

What is the meaning of this?!

Sir... sir, p-please,
please, all of you,

understand, I mistook you for
volunteers for my experiment.

Well, I happen to be the
president of the Danfield Bank!

Well, you look more like
the president of a piggy bank.

Mrs. Bagley, please.

Now, Doctor, I came over here
to talk to you about doing business

with my bank, and you've
made me look like a fool.

- Mr. Mooney...
- My lawyer will call on you!

I will sue you for
every penny you have!

Sir! Sir! Mr. Mooney,
Mr. Mooney,

I beg of you, sir,
to make amends!

I will do all of my
banking business with you,

- I give you my word.
- I'll take it.

- Oh! Thank you, sir.
- That's very good.

- I'm delighted.
- Oh, they sure settled

that case out of court, huh?

Oh, well, thank you, and you
are all so kind and understanding.

- Thank you.
- Good-bye.

And so the experiment goes on!

- We did it! We did it!
- We did it!

- We got the account!
- We got it!

You certainly did, and
to show my appreciation

for your help, I'm going to see

- that you get a fitting reward.
- Oh.

What are we gonna get?

- What are we gonna get?
- What do we get?

I am going

to buy us all ice cream cones.

- Ice cream cones!
- Ice cream cones!

We're going to have ice cream!

♪ Here we go to
the ice cream store ♪

♪ The ice cream store,
the ice cream store ♪

♪ Here we go to
the ice cream store ♪

- ♪ So early in the morning ♪
- ♪ Na, na, na ♪

♪ Here we go to
the ice cream store ♪

♪ The ice cream store,
the ice cream store ♪

♪ Here we go to
the ice cream store ♪

♪ So early in the morning... ♪
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