04x13 - Lucy the Choirmaster

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Lucy Show". Aired: October 1, 1962 – March 11, 1968.*
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Widow Lucy Carmichael raises her children and shares her home with divorcee friend Vivien.
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04x13 - Lucy the Choirmaster

Post by bunniefuu »

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

Oh, Mr. Mooney.

More packages?

That's the last batch.

Well, I certainly admire someone

who gets their
shopping done early.

Well, the spirit of
Christmas is giving.

I buy early so I can give early.

That way, others have
time to reciprocate.

Then they get a
chance to enjoy giving.

Oh, I see.

Well, I love to give, too.

But, this year, I just can't
afford to be extravagant.

Usually I get so carried away
with the Christmas spirit that,

by New Year's, I
can't even pay my bills.

I can vouch for that.

Well, this year, I-I'm-I'm
really cutting down.

I'm just going to
get a little tree,

you know, one of those
little ones that sets on a table.

Last year, I got a great
big tree; cost me $20.

I wouldn't pay $20 for a tree

if Tarzan and Jane
were living in it.

Well, you see,
except for the children,

I'm not even giving
any gifts this year.

I'm really cutting down.

Well, I'm proud of your
decision not to be extravagant.

You know, working for the
bank has been a good influence.

Some of its conservatism
has rubbed off on you.

Yeah, I wish some
of its money would.

Here, now, now,
we'll have none of that!

- Oh, I was just kidding.
- Oh...

Oh, yes, yes.

- Oh! and Mrs. Carmichael...
- Yes, sir?

I would like you to put the
names from those packages

on these Christmas gift cards...

For you to
correspond with those.

- Yes.
- Yes. Thank you.

- Oh, and, uh, Mr. Mooney...
- Hmm?

Uh, since we're
on the, you know,

we're talking about
Christmas presents,

I, uh, I'm not going to be able
to give you anything this year,

so please, please
don't embarrass me

and give me anything.

Oh!

Oh?

Well, all right,
in, uh, that case...

Yes.

Oh, you... you already
bought me something?

Well, I'm sure it
can be returned.

Oh, well, what
is it, Mr. Mooney?

Well, what's the difference?
You're not getting it.

Oh, but it's such
a pretty package.

- Won't you just give me a hint?
- No.

Just one little hint?

All right!

It's a hand-knit sweater,
imported from Italy.

Oh, Mr. Mooney!

- You shouldn't have.
- I'm not.

Oh, well.

Nevertheless, it's the
thought that counts,

and that was
pretty good thinking.

And now, if you don't mind,

would you get busy
with those cards, please?

Yes. Yes, sir.

- Oh, and, and, Mrs. Carmichael.
- Yes, sir?

Now, remember, each one of
these packages has a slip of paper

with the name of
the person it goes to.

Yes.

Now I want you to put
the name on a gift card...

Yes.

Then put the corresponding card

- on the corresponding package.
- Yes.

Now, do you understand that?

A 10-year-old child
could understand that.

Well, I don't have
a 10-year-old child;

I have to settle for you.

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪

♪ Fa, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La-la, la, la... ♪

Oh...

Miss Doris Grau.

How are you doing,
Mrs. Carmichael?

- Just fine.
- That's...

Mrs. Carmichael!

What?

What have you done?

I-I-I was just doing
what you told me to do.

Not that way!

Now how will we know which
card goes on which package?

Oh, well, Mr. Mooney,

their, their, their
names are right here,

and you know what you got them.

But I don't know
what's in the packages!

Why, I can't tell my
Aunt Clara's umbrella

from my nephew's baseball bat.

Well, I'm sorry.

Aunt Clara would look pretty
silly standing out in the rain,

holding up a baseball bat!

I don't know why you have
to raise your voice like that.

I'm not mad at you.

If you didn't
always holler at me,

I wouldn't make
so many mistakes.

I don't know why you should
holler at people anyways.

Especially at this time of year.

You should have goodwill
towards your fellow man,

even if he's a woman.

I... I guess you're
right, Mrs. Carmichael.

I know, at times, I get
quick-tempered and I holler when

maybe it would be better
to explain things quietly;

to reason with
you constructively.

I know you try.

Thank you, Mr. Mooney.

Mrs. Carmichael?

Yes?

I want you to take this...

Oh... thank you.

Back to the store
and get a refund.

And with the money, you will buy
enough ribbon and wrapping paper

to redo all of those packages.

Yes, sir.

- And Mrs. Carmichael...
- Yes?

You are very lucky that I
don't know which package

the baseball bat is in!

Uh, may I help you?

Oh, yes. I'm looking
for a Christmas tree.

What size?

Well, this year, I've
decided to get a small tree,

something small
enough to put on a table.

Well, these small
trees are very popular.

They come in all
the pastel colors.

Yeah, I'll say they do.

Yeah, well... we can
spray them in any color.

Well, could you spray one green

so it'll look like a
Christmas tree?

This must be your first
Christmas in Hollywood.

Yes, it is.

Well, the small green
trees are right over here.

- Oh.
- Right through there.

- Right here?
- That's it.

There they are.

- Oh. This one?
- Yes.

Oh, it's nice, but
it's awfully small.

But you said you
wanted a small tree.

Yeah, well, I know, but after
you've been used to a big tree,

a small tree just doesn't
seem to say "Merry Christmas."

But you said you
wanted a small tree...

Yeah, I know, I do,
but... not too small.

I'd like a tree that's small
enough to put on a table,

but tall enough to
reach the ceiling.

Sort of half-and-half.

Half-and-half?

Yeah, half table, half tree.

How tall is your ceiling?

Oh, dear, I'm not very
good at judging heights.

Let's see, how tall are you?

- I'm about 5-foot-4.
- Uh-huh.

Uh, would you mind getting
up on that box over there?

Me?

Yes, please.

I just want to get an idea.

- Up on this?
- Yes, please. Uh-huh.

Uh, could you stand a
little straighter, please?

Gee, it's hard to
get an idea like this.

Would you mind
spreading your branches?

Spreading my what?

Spreading your branches.

You know, spread your arms
out like a little Christmas tree.

Okay, then...

Oh, that looks better.

Yeah, get... make it a little
full, give it a little fullness.

Spread your little branches.

- My little branches?!
- Yeah, your fingers.

Your fingers... that's right...

I don't know, you
still look a little bare.

Of course, this is without
ornaments and everything.

Well, maybe you'd like to
throw some tinsel on me.

No... No, you look just fine.

Oh, there's just one thing more.

Would you put this
up on your head?

So I can get an
idea of the height.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Now, now spread your branches.

Oh... yeah, that looks good.

That's, that's
perfect. Thank you.

- Oh.
- That's... Thank you.

Gee, you make a wonderful tree.

Please, not in front of the dog!

- Lady...
- Yeah?

What you want is a medium tree.

Now, they're right over here.

- A medium?
- Here we go...

- Yes. Medium.
- Uh-huh.

Now... here's a nice full tree.

Yes, yes, it's nice, but...

I guess I'm spoiled from the
big trees we had back home.

It's very nice, but it just
doesn't say "Merry Christmas."

Well, none of our trees talk.

Well, maybe
something a bit bigger.

Oh! Now there's a tree
that says "Merry Christmas."

You... you wanted a small
tree, you said, and then...

Yeah, I know I did, but
how much is this tree?

Oh, these run about $20,
but this is our display sample.

Yeah, but it is for
sale, now, isn't it?

But lady, you can't...

Okay, lady.

Charlie!

It's just... oh...

Yeah, boss.

This lady wants this tree.

Now, how long will it take you
to get all those ornaments off?

But, boss, it took me
an hour to get them on!

I want to get rid of...

I want to satisfy this customer.

Okay.

Oh, it's just beautiful.

Oh, I just love that tree.

I'm sorry to be such a nuisance,

but I've always been
like a kid about Christmas.

I just love it.

Is there anything else, lady?

Well, yes, I could use
a wreath for my door.

Oh, right over here, I've
got, I've got wreaths here.

Okay.

Wreaths and candy canes
and pinecone clusters.

Oh, yes, they're
all so beautiful.

Gee, I love 'em.

I'm still a little girl
about Christmas.

I used to like Christmas, too.

What was that?

I say, I like Christmas, too.

Oh.

Oh, what's that?

Oh, this is mistletoe.

Oh!

Merry Christmas.

Thank you.

Oh, you want some
mistletoe, huh?

No, no, no.

I'm a widow, and I live alone.

I don't have anyone
to mistle with.

But I will take one
of those wreaths.

- Oh, good.
- That's a pretty one.

Yes, thank you.

Okay, lady, your tree is ready.

Oh, thank you very much.

Oh dear.

Now that I see it
without the ornaments,

it doesn't look quite the same.

Uh... well, I guess by
the time I decorate it...

How much is it?

- Well, the tree'll
be $15, - Uh-huh.

- And then the wreath...
- Oh! I didn't see that tree!

Now, there's a tree that
really says "Merry Christmas."

Now they're all talking.

Oh, this is a beauty!

How much is it?

Oh, lady, take that for $15
and I'll throw the wreath in.

Oh, wonderful!

Thank you very much.

And it'll be a
dollar for delivery.

Oh... oh, well, I've already
spent more than I intended to,

so, uh, I'll just take
it right along with me.

Oh, lady, are you sure
you can manage it?

Oh, sure, sure, sure.

Yep. Don't worry about a thing.

I've done this many
many times, and for years.

I've always taken care

of all the trees we've ever had.

Oh, I'm afraid I tipped
over that little tree.

Merry Christmas, lady.

Come in.

The door's open.

Oh...

Where are you, Mrs. Carmichael?

I'm over here, under
the Christmas tree.

Oh... Oh, what a lovely sight.

Thank you.

I wish I could gift wrap you
and give you away for Christmas.

Oh, now, you don't
mean that, Mr. Mooney.

Especially this time of year.

Now, then, why did
you ask me to drop by?

Well, for one thing,

I wanted you to see my
beautiful Christmas tree.

Oh, I also see
you kept your word

about getting a small tree.

What kind of a small
tree is that... a redwood?

Well, I... I just couldn't
seem to find a small tree

that said "Merry Christmas."

I realize that that tree's
a little extravagant,

but you have to admit it
does say "Merry Christmas."

And a bankrupt new year.

I, uh, thought you weren't
going to give gifts this year.

Oh, I wasn't, but
a big tree like that

looks so bare without
any presents under it.

Oh, now I know why
you asked me to stop by.

It's the Christmas
season and once again

you have gone for
broke and made it.

And now I suppose you
want a loan from the bank.

No, I don't.

You don't?

No. I want you to
loan me the bank.

Loan you the bank?

Uh-huh.

Good heavens, you
didn't get in that deep!

Oh, no, no, no.

I don't want
anything for myself.

I just want to bring some
boys from Jerry's school

into your bank to
sing Christmas carols.

What?!

Christmas isn't
Christmas without carolers.

Remember, back in Danfield,

I used to bring the little
fellas around every year?

I remember.

Well, now, whether
you like this or not,

my boys always
raised a lot of money

for our Christmas charities.

Well, granted, it
was for a good cause,

but, out here, it's impossible.

Impossible?! Why?

I am not the
manager of this bank.

I am new here.

And I'd like to get old here.

So, if you'll excuse me, I...

Oh, but Mr. Mooney,
really, you should hear them.

They've been
rehearsing all week.

They're so good.

- If you could just...
- Hi, Mom.

Oh, hi, darling, hi.

- Hi, fellas.
- Hi.

Mr. Mooney, I want you to
meet some of our carolers.

Uh, this is Barry,
Newton and Malcolm.

- How do you do.
- Fellas, Mr. Mooney is the man

who is going to let
us sing in his bank.

Will you stop
calling it my bank?

Well, whether it's
your bank or not,

you could put in a
good word for us.

All right, I'll put
in a good word,

and the word is "no."

- Aw.
- Well, good-bye.

- Excuse me.
- Oh, Mr. Mooney.

Hey, mister, you
forgot your hat.

Oh, thank you
very much. Thank...

Oh, Malcolm.

I was fixing my bicycle.

Oh... he just got a
little grease on him.

He's got enough grease on
him to swim the English Channel.

- Good-bye.
- Oh, Malcolm...

Oh, hello, boys.

Stanley, didn't you forget
to take off your skates?

I lost my skate key.

Oh, not again.

Oh, Bruce, Lenny,
Lester, Steve and Stanley,

this is Mr. Mooney, who is...

Just leaving.

Step aside, youngsters.
Make an aisle please.

Aw, now please,
Mr. Mooney, before you go...

Merry Christmas
to all and to all...

a good night.

Oh!

Oh, hi, fellas.

Mr. Mooney, this is
Walter, Jeff, Nelson,

Homer, Lloyd, Lyndon...

I don't care if they're
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer...

and Rudolph the
greasy-nosed Reindeer.

Now you tell your
mob to disperse.

I'm getting out of here
if I have to use tear gas.

Oh, please, Mr. Mooney,
you can't turn us down.

Just-Just look at
their little faces.

I will not be intimidated.

Oh, please, Mr. Mooney, it
would mean so much to the boys.

And you know it is
our duty, as citizens,

to encourage these boys
to have healthy activities

to keep them off the street.

Right now, they're
keeping me off the street.

Mr. Mooney, carolers
singing in your bank for charity

will create a lot of goodwill.

Mrs. Carmichael, I
wish you would stop

making me feel like Scrooge.

Now, back in Danfield,

a bunch of kids singing
in a bank was fine.

But we are in a big city now.

Danfield was a little town.

Well, so was Bethlehem.

What has Bethlehem got
to do with Christmas carols

and the spiri... spi... sm...?

You baffle me, Mrs. Carmichael.

I know I'm smarter than you are,
but I can never win an argument!

You mean you will put
in a good word for us?

Well, I... I think I can get
the bank to see it our way.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Mooney!

Hey, fellas, let's
hear it for Mr. Mooney.

Oh, no, no, no.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny. ♪

♪ On the fourth
day of Christmas ♪

♪ My true love gave to me ♪

♪ Four calling birds,
three red hens ♪

♪ Two turtledoves and a
partridge in a pear tree ♪

♪ On the fifth
day of Christmas ♪

♪ My true love gave to me ♪

♪ Five golden rings ♪

♪ Four calling birds ♪

♪ Three red hens ♪

♪ Two turtledoves ♪

♪ And a partridge
in a pear tree ♪

♪ On the sixth day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me ♪

♪ Six geese a-laying,
five golden rings... ♪

All right, hold it, hold it.

Barry and Newton,
come here, come here.

Now, one of you is
saying "six geese a-layin""

when you should have been
saying "seven swans a-swimming."

He said, "six geese a-laying."

I did not. It was you
that got mixed-up.

- It was not.
- Was, too.

- Now, now...
- Let me see you prove it!

- Okay!
- Now, now, none of that, now.

That was entirely
uncalled for, Barry.

I'm going to have to
separate you two boys.

Now you stand there.

You get up and change
places with little Malcolm.

Okay.

Come on, Malcolm, you
come down here now.

Stand right here.

Malcolm?

Where's Malcolm?

Malcolm?!

Ma... Where is Malcolm?

- He was here a minute ago.
- Well, now, this is ridiculous.

Now, this is no time to
play games, Malcolm.

This is serious business.

Malcolm... Come in.

Malcolm?!

Yes?

Uh, well, ga...

Where have you been?

Outside.

I didn't see you leave the room.

I fell out the window.

Oh, no!

I'm okay.

Oh, good heavens!

Close that window.

And be careful.

Oh, Malcolm, now, you stay
right here, where I can see you.

Good heavens.

Now-now let's make
sure we're all here.

If there are any
boys who aren't here,

will they please
raise their hands.

What did you say, Mom?

Oh, well, I guess
they're all here.

Now, look, boys, I know
the lyrics to this song

gets more and more
difficult as you go along.

Some of you are saying
"six geese a-layin',"

when you should be saying
"Seven swans a-swimming."

So I'll cue you.

Now, you watch me.

Uh, this is geese a-layin',

and-and this is, uh, this
is "swans a-swimming."

Now, let's take it from the
seventh day of Christmas.

Everybody.

Okay, now, one, two, three.

♪ On the seventh
day of Christmas

♪ My true love gave to me ♪

♪ Seven swans a-swimming,
six geese a-laying ♪

♪ Five golden rings ♪

♪ Four calling birds,
three red hens ♪

♪ Two turtledoves ♪

♪ And a partridge
in a pear tree. ♪

Newton, come here, come here.

Now what's happened?

You started out a bass,
you wound up a soprano.

I can't help it,
Mrs. Carmichael.

It just goes like that.

Oh, dear.

Well, now, try... Why
don't you try to do

what I told you
to do: think low.

All right, Mrs. Carmichael.

Oh, dear, what am I going to do?

We've got to have
a bass for the choir.

We can't go on...

Anybody home?

Mr. Mooney, would you
repeat what you just said?

All I said was, "Anybody home?"

Fellas, our troubles are over.

We've found our bass.

Let's hear it for Mr. Mooney.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny... ♪

♪ Five golden rings ♪

♪ Four calling birds,
three red hens ♪

♪ Two turtledoves ♪

♪ And a partridge
in a pear tree ♪

♪ On the seventh
day of Christmas ♪

♪ My true love gave to me ♪

♪ Seven swans a-swimming,
six geese a-laying ♪

♪ Five golden rings ♪

♪ Four calling birds,
three red hens ♪

♪ Two turtledoves ♪

♪ And a partridge
in a pear tree ♪

♪ On the eighth
day of Christmas ♪

♪ My true love gave to me ♪

♪ Eight maids a-milking ♪

- ♪ Seven swans a-swimming... ♪
- ♪ Six geese a-laying... ♪

Uh-uh-uh, sorry, boys.

We got a little mixed-up.

I'm terribly sorry, sir.

Boys, now, you watch me,

and I'll help you through
the lyric with the cues.

Now, remember?

Now-now, we'll start with
the eighth day of Christmas.

All right, now, everybody.

I'm terrible sorry.

Forgive us.

Uh, "On the eighth
day of Christmas..."

One, two, three.

♪ On the eighth
day of Christmas ♪

♪ My true love gave to me ♪

♪ Eight maids a-milking,
seven swans a-swimming ♪

♪ Six geese a-laying ♪

♪ Five golden rings ♪

♪ Four calling birds,
three red hens ♪

♪ Two turtledoves... ♪

♪ And a partridge
in a pear tree ♪

♪ On the ninth
day of Christmas ♪

♪ My true love gave to me ♪

♪ Nine ladies dancing,
eight maids a-milking ♪

♪ Seven swans a-swimming,
six geese a-laying ♪

♪ Five golden rings ♪

♪ Four calling birds,
three red hens ♪

♪ Two turtledoves ♪

♪ And a partridge
in a pear tree ♪

♪ On the tenth
day of Christmas ♪

♪ My true love gave to me ♪

♪ Ten lords a-leaping ♪

♪ Nine ladies dancing ♪

♪ Eight maids a-milking ♪

♪ Seven swans a-swimming ♪

♪ Six geese a-laying ♪

♪ Five golden rings ♪

♪ Four calling birds,
three red hens ♪

♪ Two turtledoves ♪

♪ And a partridge
in a pear tree ♪

♪ On the eleventh
day of Christmas ♪

♪ My true love gave to me ♪

♪ 11 pipers piping,
ten lords a-leaping ♪

♪ Nine ladies dancing,
eight maids a-milking ♪

♪ Seven swans a-swimming,
six geese a-laying ♪

♪ Five golden rings ♪

♪ Four calling birds,
three red hens ♪

♪ Two turtledoves ♪

♪ And a partridge
in a pear tree ♪

♪ On the twelfth
day of Christmas ♪

♪ My true love gave to me ♪

♪ 12 drummers drumming ♪

♪ 11 pipers piping ♪

♪ Ten lords a-leaping ♪

♪ Nine ladies dancing ♪

♪ Eight maids a-milking ♪

♪ Seven swans a-swimming ♪

♪ Six geese a-laying ♪

♪ Five golden rings ♪

♪ Four calling birds ♪

♪ Three red hens ♪

♪ Two turtledoves ♪

♪ And a partridge
in a pear tree ♪

♪ Partridge in a pear tree. ♪

Merry Christmas, everybody.
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