04x15 - Lucy the Rain Goddess

[bunniefuu]

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

Mr. Mooney's office.

Uh, no, he just stepped
out for a few moments.

I don't know where he is.

Uh, well, could I
take a message?

He ought to be back
in a few minutes.

Uh-huh.

Well, okay, okay.

Oh, Mr. Mooney!

I didn't see you come back in.

Well, now you can pretend

that you didn't see
me go back out either.

Oh, leaving before
quitting time?

Shame on Mr. Mooney!

Shame on Mr. Mooney!

Please, knock it
off, Mrs. Carmichael.

Since you came to work here,
I can't get away with a thing.

Oh, I wouldn't snitch on you.

- Mm.
- Where you going?

None of your business.

Why can't you tell me
where you're going?

Because it's my little hideaway.

An oasis away from home.

Just two hours on the
freeway, and there it is...

Remote, secluded,
spectacular and smog-free.

Well, your own little hideaway.

Mm-hmm.

What's the name of the place?

That is top secret.

Oh.

Well, if anything
important comes up,

I can always find out
where you are from your wife.

No, you can't.

'Cause that's who
I'm hiding away from.

I'm away...!

Mr. Mooney's office.

Oh, hi, Mary Jane.

No, I can talk;
Captain Bligh just left.

What?

Oh, I can leave anytime now.

You know the old saying:

When the cat's away,
the mice quit early.

Yeah, see you later.

Here's your mail.

- Give me the Wilcox papers.
- What?

Give me the Wilcox papers.

Turn that thing off!

I can't hear anything!

Now, what do you want?

I was told to pick up
the Wilcox escrow papers

and be sure they were
signed by Mr. Mooney.

Wilcox escrow papers.

Oh, yeah, here they are.

Oh, good heavens!

Mr. Mooney forgot to sign them.

Oh, boy, is he in a jam.

Not half as much as I am.

I forgot to give them to him.

Maybe I can catch him.

No, I don't think so.

Why not?

Well, I just saw him
drive out the parking lot.

- Oh, dear!
- Where was he going?

I don't know.

He wouldn't tell me.

All I know is that
it's someplace

just two hours on the freeway.

Here's a newspaper; let's
check the resorts section.

That's a good idea.

It wouldn't be in this
first part, would it?

"Help Wanted."

I better save that;
I might need 'em.

Here it is, here it is.

Here's some: Now,
this is the Tirol Room,

the Roundup...

No, that's right
over here. That's...

Spanish Hacienda,

Lazy Days...

Oh, here's one: "Only
two hours from town.

"Fun and frolic in
nature's wonderland.

Enjoy golf, tennis
and horseback riding."

Shady Nook Nudist Colony!

You think he went
to a nudist colony?

Oh... not Mr. Mooney.

He used to blush when
he watched Naked City.

Let's see, now, we've
got to find something

that's just two hours from town.

Well, I'd love to
stay and help you,

- but I got work to do.
- Okay.

Just two hours from
town on the freeway!

- Hold it!
- An oasis away from home!

It's the Tumbleweed
Inn at Indian Rock.

Remote, secluded and smog-free.

Those are the exact
words Mr. Mooney used.

Get a pen and write
down the address.

Okay.

Indian Weed Inn in Tumble Rock.

Remember, folks,
it's not to be confused

with the Indian Weed
Inn in Tumble Rock.

This is the Tumbleweed
Inn in Indian Rock.

Oh, thank you, thank you!

You're welcome!

You're welcome at the
Tumbleweed Inn anytime!

Well, howdy, ma'am!

I'm Tex Critter, the
social director here.

If you're planning to stay,
just put your X right there.

Oh, no, no, I'm just
looking for Mr. Mooney.

- Mooney? Mooney.
- Uh, Mr. Theodore J. Mooney?

He's, uh, kind of
stocky and dark,

has a mustache and never
smiles; stern and dignified.

Oh, you mean Hopalong!

Hopalong?!

Yeah. He just checked in.

He should be moseying
around here someplace.

There he is now.

Hello, Hoppy!

Wow! Mr. Mooney!

Aah!

How did you find me?

Well, now, Mr. Mooney, I...

I just moseyed
in off the freeway.

Mrs. Carmichael,
where you're concerned

the word is "nosey,"
not "mosey"!

Oh!

Mr. Mooney, you
don't understand.

I had to find you.

You left the bank without
signing the Wilcox papers.

Good heavens!

The Wilcox papers?

Yes, and they're very important.

Oh, well, of course,
a slipup like that

could cost me my job!

- I know.
- Well, well, give me the papers.

- I have them.
- I'll sign them. Okay.

- Have you got a pen?
- Yes, I have everything.

- Yes.
- Here's a pen.

Thank you.

Everything but the papers.

Don't tell me you
left them at the bank!

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

I was in such a
hurry, Mr. Mooney.

I must have left
them on my desk.

But they have to be out tonight!

I know, I know.

I'll call Herbie; I'll have
him bring 'em out here.

All right, that's right.

That'll take you
a couple of hours.

Yeah, but...

I have a spirited
mustang outside.

I'm going to hit the trail.

- Okay.
- And you stay here

and get those papers to
me just as soon as you can!

Oh, you know I will.

- Oh, I know you will.
- You know I will.

I'm terribly sorry.

Hey! Where are you
two varmints going?

Don't worry, we'll be back
in plenty of time, Mr. Critter.

Come back here!

Aw, we just wanted to
check out our oil well again.

Aye, doggies!

You two young braves
have been messing around

with that oil well all summer.

You ain't found enough
oil in it to wet a dipstick!

But, Tex, if it comes in, it'll
pay our way through college.

And we sure don't make
enough around here for that.

Never mind that.

All right, go ahead.

But be sure and be back in
time for the ceremonial dance.

Honest Injun, we'll be there

on time, in full costume, in
w*r paint, uh, the whole bit.

Hey, wait a minute.

By the way...

why don't you do something
different than the w*r dance?

Why? The tourists always
enjoy the w*r dance.

Well, how come you
never do the rain dance?

Are you kidding?

We can't do the rain dance.

That's sacred to our tribe.

That's one tradition they
won't let us fool around with.

As my father says,

"Nakta wah wah-tee
shasonee Tektee-opakee!"

Well, what does that mean?

Beats me.

I never did dig that language.

N-Now, look, there's one
thing I don't understand.

Your father is the chief, and
your father is the medicine man.

How come two sharp
college kids like you

can't talk 'em into
changing their customs?

Tex, you know how
the old boys are...

They're orthodox!

Yeah, well, all right.

I don't want you to come
around the hotel looking like this.

When you're around the guests,
I want you to look like Indians

and talk like Indians.

We understand.

We got to keep-um public image.

Ugh!

Let's go, d*ck!

All right!

Come on, you nature lovers!

Time for the hike!

Move out, now!

Say, what about
you, little maverick?

Ain't you comin' along
with old Uncle Tex?

Well, no, thanks.

I... I'm waiting for some
very important papers.

They're coming out by messenger.

Oh, well, now, that's too bad,

'cause you're gonna
miss all the fun, fun, fun!

Well, thanks, thanks,
thanks, anyway.

All right...

get 'em up and move 'em out!

All right, there!

On the hike, all of you!

Let's go!

Upsy-daisy!

That's it!

All right!

Get 'em up and move 'em out!

All of you, now.

Don't straggle!

The wolves'll cut
you out of the herd.

That's it, come along here, now.

Now, circle up
here for a minute.

I got a little
story to tell you.

That's it, come around, come
around, gather round here.

That's right, hunker
down and be comfy.

Now... this is a Joshua tree,

and there's a real
romantic story behind it.

You know all about
the birds and the bees.

Well, this is a love triangle
between two Joshua trees

and a little bee called
the Joshua Tree Bee.

See, the Joshua trees
depend on this little bee

to carry the pollen
from one to the other.

You know, it makes
me feel poetic.

Where would the Joshua tree be

without the Joshua Tree Bee?

Well, let's move along here.

Now, wait a minute,
wait a minute...

You want to look out
for souvenirs here.

This place is loaded
with Indians around here,

and if you keep a sharp eye out,

you might find
some old arrowheads

or other bits of
remnants of the tribe.

Are there still
Indians around here?

Oh, yeah, quite a few.

Well, uh, uh...
a-are they hostile?

No, they're Cheyenne.

Get 'em up and move 'em out!

- Well, howdy there, little lady.
- Oh.

Decided to join
us after all, huh?

Oh, no.

No, I'm just
looking for my boss.

I finally got those papers
that he's supposed to sign.

Have you seen Mr. Mooney?

Mooney?

Hopalong.

Oh, Hoppy!

He went thataway!

Get 'em up and move 'em out!

- Hi, Pop! -Hi, Dad!
- Stop! Stop!

Sons too busy to join fathers?

No, Father, it's just that

Vince and I were
gonna go over...

My son not name Vince.

Him name Wolf With
Nose Like Anteater!

Do you no stay, too?

Uh, no, my father.

You see, I was going over to
the oil well with d*ck and then we...

My son not named d*ck!

Call him by Indian name!

Sorry.

I was going over to the oil well

with Running Bear
Who Smell Like Skunk.

You waste much time
on white man's ways.

Well, we're the
younger generation.

Younger generation? Phooey!

May the Great Spirit forgive us

for sending our sons to college!

Father, I'm following
your footsteps...

I'm going to college
to study medicine.

Me no need college
to be medicine man,

and me know many things!

What you learn in white
man's medicine college?

We're studying
to be psychiatrists.

Oh, psychiatrists.

What's a psychiatrist?

Do not know.

What psychiatrist?

Well, it's sort of
a headshrinker.

Oh, that good!

What did he say?
What did he say?

He said headshrinkers
run in the family.

Come on, let's go. Bye, Dad!

So long, Pop.

Oh, there go my
son the headshrinker.

Come! We dance some more.

No, no, dance no good.

No sign from rain goddess.

And my feet, they k*ll me.

Well, then me practice
with tomahawk...

and chase all evil spirits!

No hurt me, no hurt me!

Me good friend of Indian.

Me always root for Indian
to win on Late Late Show.

Me love Indian.

Me hate John Wayne.

What you want, white
squaw with fire in hair?

Uh, uh, well, me lost.

Uh, uh, how do I get-um back

to paleface big wigwam
with many room?

Ooh, the hotel!

Well, you just follow the
shadow of the flying arrow... pssht!

And you come to
grave of Old Water.

Follow grave of Old Water.

Follow grave of Old Water.

Oh, rest.

Why do I rest?

My feet are k*lling me.

Uh, you go on.

Follow, follow, follow
grave of Old Water.

You'll come to Topless Mountain.

Turn left toward left ear.

Follow nose. Go!

You go now!

Oh, me go now.

You no go!

Why... Why, he say I yes go.

Yes. Why you say, she no go?

Yeah, why you say I no go?

She rain goddess!

Huh?

You crazy.

She no rain goddess.

You drink-um firewater again?

She rain goddess!

You look again with closer eye!

I look, I look good.

Holy smoke signal!

She rain goddess, all right.

Many moons we
wait for rain goddess,

and now she comes.

Uh, look, fellas, this
is all a big mistake.

I am no rain goddess.

Oh, you, yes, rain goddess!

You got me mixed up
with somebody else.

I'm no rain goddess.

I even have trouble
turning on my shower.

No mixed up! No mixed up!

You rain goddess, all right.

Look! Look!

Holy smoke signal!

Me rain goddess.

You do rain dance to bring rain.

Rain dance?

B-B-Bring rain?

Okay.

Rain! Rain!

First we have ceremonial feast.

Then you do dance.

Oh, okay.

Hold the rain.

Prepare rain goddess for dance!

And we get-um
ready the big feast.

Swift Eagle! Swift Eagle!

You hunt fresh
game for big feast.

Go!

Wait! Wait!

Oh, he forget arrows again.

Younger next generation!
Phooey! Phooey!

Bring on rain goddess!

You sit in place of
honor, Rain Goddess.

Fellas, I keep telling you,
you're making a big mistake.

Down!

Yes, sir.

Now you eat-um ceremonial feast.

Eat!

Wah-hah-hah!

Wow. What is this?

Raw fish.

Raw fish?

What are you eating?

Chopped liver.

Chopped liver?

Buffalo liver.

Eat!

I am eating.

You eat good.

I eat no good.

Now me smoke-um pipe.

Oh, that's a pretty pipe, Chief.

Did you, did you
make it yourself?

No.

Me get-um for Father's Day.

Now you smoke-um pipe.

No, thanks.

I don't indulge.

Smoke-um!

Oh, boy...

Whoa, is that strong.

What kind of tobacco is this?

No tobacco.

Raw fish.

Smoke-um!

Oh...

Oh!

You real rain goddess.

Your face turn all color,

like rainbow.

Here. Here.

Drink. Drink.

Oh, what's this?

Don't tell me,
juice of raw fish.

You good guesser.

Ugh...

Now you... you rise...

you... y-you rise, Rain Goddess,

and you do dance.

You dance and bring rain!

But, uh, I-I-I, I can't dance.

Th-There's no music.

I can't dance without music.

Uh, look, do you know
"Stormy Weather"?

No. No, no.

Uh, how about "April Showers"?

Uh, "Singin' In the Rain"?

No, it goes like this.

♪ I'm singin' in the rain ♪

♪ Just singin' in the rain ♪

♪ What a glorious feelin' ♪

♪ I'm happy again ♪

- Stop the music!
- ♪ What a won... ♪

Stop the music!

We no wait 50 years for singer.

Need dancer.

You do dance!

Well, I-I, I don't
think that I'll...

I'll be able to bring
any rain right now.

There's-There's an awful
lot of evil spirits around.

Medicine Man, you
get-a rid of all evil spirits.

I've tried.

Try, schmy! Do it!

Oh. Oh.

Oh, look.

Look!

He's evil spirit!

You some medicine man!

So I missed one.

Evil spirit! Evil spirit!

Hi, Mr. Mooney.

Mrs. Carmichael?

What-What are you doing here?

I've been looking
all over for you...

What is the meaning
of that getup?

I'm a rain goddess.

What?! You, a rain goddess?!

If you're a rain
goddess, I'm an evil spirit.

Yeah? Well, now
you're getting the idea.

Oh, now, you must be kidding.

Hmm?

Oh!

Oh, my...

You, a rain goddess?!

Yeah, that's what they think,

and they want me to
dance and make it rain.

Oh! Let's get out
of here. Come on.

- Tie up evil spirit!
- What...?

Tie up evil spirit!

Oh, wait, now,
wait a... Hey, fellas.

Hey, look, uh, look,
aren't we a little old

to be playing
cowboys and Indians?

I mean, uh...

No play-um games.

Oh...?

You evil spirit.

Ooh.

She rain goddess.

If rain goddess no bring rain,

bad things happen
to both of you.

Bad things?

What kind of bad things?

We burn-um you at stake.

Her head, we chop off.

Chop, chop, chop.

I'll trade you my
chop for your stake.

Mrs. Carmichael, this
is no time for jokes.

Now do something
about that rain dance.

I don't know how
to make it rain.

I don't know how
to do a rain dance.

Well, try, try, try.

Think wet.

You dance! You dance!

Dance!

How am I doing?

You're not thinking wet enough.

It no rain! It no rain!

You dance! Dance!

Is it raining?

You see anything?

No, I didn't, but I think
you stripped your gears.

It no rain. It no rain.

Oh, I can't make it rain.

- Yes.
- I don't know how to make...

It's raining!

- I did it! I did it!
- Oh!

I did it!

- No! It's oil!
- Oil!

Oil?! Oil!

Tie her up! Tie
her up! Tie her up!

Why? You struck oil.

You struck oil.

Oil no good.

Put us in higher tax bracket.

- Oh, no!
- Oil no good!

Oh, no...