04x16 - Lucy and Art Linkletter

[bunniefuu]

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

Pardon me, is this seat taken?

No, I don't think so.

Oh, thank goodness.

Oh, I'm sure glad
I could get here.

Art Linkletter is
my very favorite.

I think he's just wonderful.

Personally, I can
take him or leave him.

If you feel that way,
what are you doing here?

I was out shopping, it was
hot and my feet were k*lling me.

And here he is,
ladies and gentlemen,

the star of our show...

Art Linkletter.

Welcome to the House Party.

What a warm and
wonderful audience you are.

And you've come
just in time to take part

in a most interesting
and curious experiment

about human nature.

I'm going to go
looking for a volunteer...

Oop! Look at that stoplight.

Look at the red hair.

It's beautiful!

Are... is that...

Are you wearing
one of those new wigs

or is that the real
color of your hair?

Well, uh, shall we
just say it's not a wig.

Do you mind standing up,
please, and coming out in the aisle?

- Me?
- Yes.

I'd like to have you
on the show today.

- Oh!
- Yes.

Now don't be nervous.

Just tell me, what's your name?

Uh, uh, Lucy.

Lucy Carmichael.

Now, do you mind
if I call you Lucy?

Oh, not at all.

Well, would you mind
telling me your age?

Not at all: 28.

Would you mind
telling me your real age?

I certainly would.

Now, tell me, Lucy, who
do you think talks more...

Men or women?

Oh, men, of course.

They talk much more than women.

You think s...

Women might have the
reputation, but it's really just

a false impression,
as far as I'm concerned.

Well, I'm gla...

Men are always
talking about something.

- About business or baseball...
- I see...

Any subject you
name, they start talking,

and you just can't get
a word in edgewise.

I, I...

Politics, fishing
tackle, g*ns, cars.

Or they just talk
about themselves.

That's preci...

Seems to me
there's no comparison

between the two, actually.

Whenever I go out with a man,

it's just a matter of sitting
there listening to him talk.

Just the other day, I went in...

Well, good-bye, folks.

Our time's up for today.

Lucy, this is just a
half hour program.

Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.

And she thinks that men
talk more than women.

Let's find out, shall we?

How would you like to earn $200?

$200?!

Oh, boy, I'd love that!

Well, I'll give you $200, if...

for 24 hours, you don't talk.

You don't say a word.

You can't utter a sound.

Not a sound?

And you can't let anybody
know why you're not talking.

Oh.

You can't write any notes.

- No notes?
- No notes.

Think you can do it?

Oh, yeah... yes, I think I can.

You do, huh? Well, now,
not that we don't trust you,

but I think I'd better pick a
volunteer out of our audience

to kind of watch and
report back to me,

if you do say a
word or make a...

Hey, you know,

she'll have to stay with
you the whole 24 hours.

Eat with you, work with
you, do everything with you.

Oh? Well, I have a
very small bathtub.

Well, you'll get
along, I'm sure.

How about you,
Miss, right over here.

Would you stand up?

- Me?
- Yes.

Did you two come in...?
You don't know each other?

- No. No.
- No, no.

Would you be able to
spend 24 hours with Lucy?

Well, if the price is right.

Oh, I think it, I
think it will be.

Because in the event

that Lucy says anything,
or makes even one sound,

she'll forfeit the $200,
and you will get $400.

Oh! You got yourself
a stool pigeon.

I'll do it.

All right, that's
fine, Miss, um...?

Cosgrove. Ruth.

Ruth Cosgrove.

Lucy, Ruth.

- How do you do.
- Hi.

Nice to know you.

I hope you will be
very happy together

for the 24 hours.

Now, Lucy, get ready, if you
will excuse the expression,

to shut up,

because the 24 hours
starts in just ten seconds.

Oh, well, I'm just
on my lunch hour.

I've got to get
back to the bank.

But I'm off tomorrow.

Can't I do it then?

Oh, no, no.

The 24 hours starts right now.

You think we're being
a little rough on Lucy?

Tell you what we're gonna do.

We'll give her a little leeway.

Lucy, during the 24 hours,
should an emergency arise,

you know, some
extreme necessity,

you can say one word,

but just one word, okay?

Okay.

That was it.

Now, before we get on
with the rest of the show,

I think you and Miss
Cosgrove can leave.

So good-bye, Miss Cosgrove.

Good-bye, Mr. Linkletter.

Good-bye, Lucy.

Won't you say good-bye?

Say good-bye, audience.

- There they go.
- Bye-bye.

Now that they're gone,

I have a couple of
secrets to let you in on.

In the first place, we have
a few delightful surprises

planned for her in
her apartment tonight.

Then, in the second place,
Miss Cosgrove is an actress

who works for me.

Well...

so this is where you work.

Tell me about your job.

How do you do?

Hi.

Mrs. Carmichael, do you know
where the escrow papers are

for the Bradbury account?

Well, gee, I'm glad you know.

But the reason I asked

is because I would
like to know, too.

And could you tell me?

I see.

It's going to be
your little secret.

Now, Mrs. Carmichael,
why can't you tell me

where the escrow papers
are for the Bradbury account?

You... you lost your voice?

Oh, uh, laryngitis?

Oh, well, I'm
sorry to hear that.

Well, uh, maybe you
could write me a note

telling me where they are.

Uh, you, uh, you hurt your arm?

Well, you seem to be
enjoying poor health.

Now, Mrs. Carmichael, I
don't have time for games.

I want those escrow papers.

Now, where are they?

Oh! Oh.

They're downstairs!

Well, good.

I'll call and have them sent up.

Mrs. Carmichael...

Who is she?

A friend of yours?

Well, Mrs. Carmichael, I
don't mind a brief social visit,

but after all, this is
a place of business.

Would you ask her to leave?

Eh... uh...

Oh, oh, that's right.

I forgot.

Well, would you
indicate for her to leave?

Why am I playing charades?!

I can talk!

Now, look, madam, I
don't like to appear rude,

but couldn't you
visit Mrs. Carmichael

at her apartment?

This is a place of business.

No, I think I
better stick around.

Oh?

Just before she lost her voice,

she pleaded with me to
stay with her at all times.

She said she
doesn't trust her boss.

Madam, I am her boss.

Oh, well, then her
nickname for you

certainly fits.

Hiya, fatso.

Fatso?!

Mrs. Carmichael, unless you
have a reasonable explanation,

you can start looking
for a new job immediately.

And stop staring at me like
an overage Orphan Annie.

Now, then, I don't know

whether you've lost
your voice or your mind...

but I have taken all
I am going to take!

I...

Fatso speaking.

Ah! Mooney speaking!

Dr. Metcalf's here to see you.

Oh, well, tell him I'll be
along in a few minutes.

On second thought,
I'll be right in.

Oh, and Doctor, before
we transact our business,

would you step in
here a minute, please?

I'd like you to meet
one of our employees.

Oh, fine.

Eh, Mrs. Carmichael...

over here, please.

Over here.

There we...
right... that's fine.

Now, Doctor, Mrs. Carmichael
has been acting very strangely,

even for her.

She seems to have a
bad case of laryngitis, yes.

I wonder if you could give
her a quick look, please.

- Well, of course.
- Thank you, Doctor.

Mrs. Carmichael, I'm just
going to look at your throat.

It won't hurt at all.

Mrs. Carmichael, would
you please have a seat?

I run across this on occasion.

She probably never
overcame her fear of doctors

when she was a child.

Oh. Well, now, Mrs. Carmichael,

this is not the bogeyman
and, heaven knows,

it's been a long, long
time since you were a child.

Now, sit!

Mrs. Carmichael, would
you please say, "Ah."

Well, at least open your mouth.

Mr. Mooney, sometimes cases
like this are psychosomatic.

Psychoso-so... ma-matic?

Yes.

Yes, in other words,

it's not anything physical,

but something in her mind.

Oh, but that would
require her having a mind.

Now, it could be a
recent shock of some kind,

or possibly her
subconscious recalled

a frightening experience
when she was a child.

Oh... mm-hm...

Oh, you were frightened
when you were a child.

Tell us about it.

Bringing the cause out into
the open might effect a cure.

Well, uh, uh... what-what
are you going-going to do?

You'll, oh, you'll,
you'll act... act it all out.

Tell us the whole
sad story. Oh...

Yeah, yeah...

Well, of course it
happened to you!

Oh, uh, you, uh,
s-small... tiny... yeah...

You... Oh! Little!
Little... little girl.

You were little... uh, three?

Oh, a three-year-old, you
were three years old, a little girl.

All right. All right.

Oh, a little
three-year-old girl.

Oh, isn't that pretty,
she's mowing the lawn.

Oh, you're riding a scooter!

No? Uh... uh, wheels...

Oh, she's... uh... um, uh...

I know! You're
pushing a carriage!

Wheeling a baby carriage!

I was going to say that.

All right. All right.

Now, little girl, three years...
And the baby carriage,

and yes, indeed,
and you lift it up,

and, uh, something in it!

Oh, yeah. Something... uh...

Your baby brother is in it!

Your baby sister!

Well, what? What, what,
what's in the carriage? What?

Uh... oh... uh... now,
what... that couldn't be...

- A robot.
- I don't know.

That...

I know! Your father!
He was drunk!

No... What's that?

It's, uh, stiff, and all...

I don't know.

A doll!

A doll, you were wheeling
a doll in your baby carriage!

Who said you could play?

All right, all right, all
right, now, the whole thing.

Now, you're a little
girl, three years old,

pushing the baby carriage,
with the doll in the baby carriage,

and she's gay and
happy and going along.

I wonder where she's going...

Ooh. She stopped.

She sees something.

What does she see?

Oh, what?

Uh, seeing
something, yeah, sh...

Oh, you're looking at something.

Uh, uh, gazing
through the bushes.

The bushes.

No, uh, venetian blinds.

Bars! Looking through bars.

- Looking through bars?
- Through bars...

You were in jail!

Behind the bars.

All right, well, behind the
bars, what does she see?

What do... Oh, that's
easy... a monkey!

A monkey, uh, uh, stretching.

Monkey doing, oh, uh, itching,
and he's doing exercises.

- He's a restless monkey.
- A gorilla!

A gorilla behind bars, and
he... you were at the zoo!

Wonderful! All right,
now the whole thing.

The little girl with a pram,
and the little doll in the carriage.

She's going to the zoo,

and she pushes the
carriage along, and...

Oh! She stops.

Now... she sees... the gorilla!

The gorilla in the
cage; the gorilla.

The gorilla... the
gorilla grabbed her!

No. No?

The gorill... you...

- The doll!
- The gorilla grabbed your doll!

I said it first.
I said it first!

All right.

The gorilla grabbed
the doll, yes, and he...

he starts to eat the doll!

He tears it limb from limb.

The legs, the arms...

Oh, he enjoyed it!

He loved it!

Oh, that, that gorilla
ate her little doll.

Mr. Mooney, this is
obviously psychosomatic.

Oh...

Now, on occasions,
it takes another shock

to bring them right out of it.

Oh...! They... another time...

- Uh, Doctor...
- Oh, yes.

- Come with me.
- Yes, of course. Yes.

- Yes, Doctor, I have got to go.
- Oh. Thank you.

Quite a performance.

And just think, only
23 more hours to go

without saying a word.

Stick 'em up!

Mrs. Carmichael...

you're fired.

Now, look, Lucy, I don't want
you to think that I'm all bad.

After all, if I can get
you to talk, I get $400.

But I like you.

It's nothing personal;
I really do like you.

Well, just to show you
how much I like you,

I bought myself a beautiful
makeup case today,

and I want you to have it.

Here.

Aw, Lucy, come
on, let's be friends.

Please.

Take it.

Please?

Come on.

Which one of you
two is Ruth Cosgrove?

I am.

I want to thank you, Miss
Cosgrove, for telephoning me.

So you're Lucy Carmichael, huh?

How dare you try
and steal my husband?

You redheaded hussy!

You home wrecker!

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself!

Yes, you ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

Listen, if you really
want my husband, honey,

you can have him!

And you can have
his dirty laundry, too!

Does a Lucy
Carmichael live here?

I'm from the Acme Pet Shop.

We have something for you.

Come on, Hilda.

Say hello to your new mommy!

Hold it, Miss!

Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!

You gotta hide me.

I'm tired of running.

Some guy's been
chasing me for three years!

Please, hide me! Please!

I don't want him to find me!

I don't! I don't!

Ah! So there you are, huh?

Okay, okay, buster.

You'll never take me alive!

Get out of the way, lady!

Lady... why did you
help that guy escape?

Oh, you won't talk, eh?

Well, down at headquarters,

we have ways of making you talk.

You're coming along with me!

And that goes for
your husband, too!

Now, remember the little
experiment we tried yesterday?

What an experiment it's been!

We picked a lady out of the
audience, Lucy Carmichael;

she was not to talk, or
utter a sound, for 24 hours;

and now we're going to find
out whether she made it or not.

Would you step out
here, ladies, please?

Oh, my! Oh...

She looks, uh...

a little bedraggled.

And I understand she
even spent a night in jail.

But the question
we're all interested in:

Has she kept her
mouth shut so far? Ruth?

- Has she?
- She certainly has.

Oh, what's that?

My time's up!

Oh, boy, I made it!

- I made it! Yippee!
- Wait a minute!

- Hold on! Hold on!
- I made it! I won!

What do you mean? What is this?

My alarm clock...
I set it for, for my...

when my 24 hours
was up, and I won.

Oh, Lucy, this is terrible.

- This is awful.
- What's awful?

According to my watch,
which is the official time,

you still have
three minutes to go.

Oh, no! That's impossible!

My alarm clock's always right!

It's never fast!

It is now.

I set it three minutes ahead.

Oh, no!

That's the meanest
thing I ever heard of!

Don't hit her, Lucy.

You get the money. You win.

That was just a trick we pulled!

- Oh, a trick?
- That's right.

Miss Cosgrove is actually
a member of my staff.

Oh, no!

Yes, and so are
all the other people

you met in your
apartment last night.

Ruth, say good-bye to Lucy.

Good-bye, Lucy.

And forgive me.

All right, I forgive you.

Bye.

Congratulations,
Lucy, you did it.

Of course, you lost your job.

- Oh, yes, I did.
- While you were doing it.

We can fix that.

Mr. Mooney, would
you step out, please, sir?

- Is Mr. Mooney here?
- Yes, he's right here.

We explained it
all to Mr. Mooney,

and he has
something to tell you.

- Hello, Mrs...
- Oh!

Mrs. Carmichael,
under the circumstances,

you can have your job back.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Mooney.

By the way, Mr. Mooney,
you look like a good sport.

How would you like
to try a little experiment

and win some money, huh?

Oh, money!

Uh, fine, good, yes!

I understand that, on occasion,

you get a little
upset with Lucy?

Oh, you can say that again.

Oh, tut-tut, tut-tut, tut-tut...

Now, Mr. Mooney, if you
can keep your temper,

and not get peeved
at her for 24 hours,

you'll win $200.

But, if you as much as

raise your voice to
her during that time,

she will get the $200, okay?

Fine.

Time starts right now.

- Good luck, fatso.
- Fatso?!

Ah! He lost!

He lost! He lost!

I get $400!