04x18 - Lucy Meets Mickey Rooney

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

Hasn't Mrs. Carmichael
come back from lunch yet?

MAN (over
speaker): Not yet, sir.

Oh, where is that girl?

An hour and a half. I...

(muttering)

(Lucy whistling)

Mrs. Carmichael!

(screaming)

Oh, you nearly
frightened me to death.

Maybe I'll have
better luck next time.

- Oh...
- Now, Mrs. Carmichael,

where is the Nicoletti file?

The Nicoletti file?

Yes, yes, yes!

Well, it's right
here in my desk.

Well, why isn't it in the filing
cabinet where it belongs?

- Well, I...
- Never mind!

I'll be in Mr. Cheever's office.

I'll be back in a few minutes.

I have an appointment
with Mickey Rooney.

Mickey Rooney, the actor?

No, Mickey Rooney, the plumber.

Of course, the actor!

What's he doing here?

The bank may finance
an acting school

he wants to buy: the
Players Showcase.

- Oh, oh, an acting school?
- Yes, yes.

And will you
straighten out that file?

- Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
- (Mr. Mooney grumbling)

Gee.

Oh.

Mmm.

Oh, good heavens.

(clucking tongue)

(sighs)

- Excuse me. I...
- (screaming)

(sighs)

Oh, Mr. Plumber.

What?

I mean... I mean
Mr., uh... Mr. Rooney.

- Oh, dear, I got so flustered.
- (laughs)

And you startled me.

Oh, and I got lipstick all...

Oh, I must look
silly and stupid.

No. In fact, you
look very cute to me.

- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.

Mr. Mooney will be
back in a moment.

I know you have an
appointment with him

to discuss your acting school.

That's right.

- Oh, Mr. Rooney.
- Oh, Mr. Mooney.

Oh, I hope I haven't
kept you waiting.

Not at all. I just got here.

Yes, he just got here.

Will you get on
with your filing?!

- Now, uh, Mr. Rooney?
- Yes?

I was just talking over
this school of yours...

- This acting school...
- Yes.

- With Mr. Cheever, the bank's president.
- You were, sir?

We think it's a very
interesting idea,

and it has a fair chance.

I think it has a great chance.

Why don't you file yourself
under "Q" for "quiet"?

- I was just saying I thought it...
- Quiet!

And take that w*r
paint off your face.

You look like Geronimo.

- Uh, now, Mr. Rooney.
- Yes.

There is one question
I would like to ask you.

Of course.

Are there enough people
who want to take acting lessons

to make this a
paying proposition?

Oh, Mr. Mooney, most assuredly.

Everybody, but everybody,
wants to be an actor,

and acting lessons can help
people in every field of life.

Why, lawyers are
actors, doctors are actors.

Why, even bankers are actors.

- Bankers?
- Yes.

Lessons give a
person self-poise,

confidence and assurance,

and can further their
careers in every venture of life.

Oh, uh, uh, do you
think acting lessons

could further my career
in the financial world?

Well, without a doubt.

Why, you might even
become president of the bank.

(laughing)

President of the bank.

Mr. Rooney, I am a
man of instant decisions.

I shall take a course
of acting at your school.

And, furthermore,
I shall recommend

that the loan be approved.

After all, this is a
good business venture,

and you are known
as a hard worker.

Well, any man who's
paid the alimony I've paid

has to be a hard worker.

- Oh, uh, Mr. Rooney...
- Ah, Mr. Mooney.

- Thank you for coming in.
- Thanks so much.

- Good-bye, sir. Yes.
- Thanks for everything.

Nice to have met
you, Mrs. Carmichael.

- Good-bye, Mr. Rooney.
- Thank you.

MR. MOONEY: Well...

Mr. Mooney, I... I want to borrow
some money from the bank.

What for?

I-I want to take acting
lessons from Mickey Rooney.

You, act?

What in the name of Bette Davis
makes you think you can act?

Well, now, I did a
lot of school plays.

I played Mr. Roberts.

I played Macbeth.

I played Julius Caesar.

And in Peter Pan, I
was Captain Hook.

Now, look, we have
a lot of work to do.

Let's forget that
foolishness, will you?

It is not foolishness!

You're doing it. Why can't I?

Because I say no.

Oh, please, Mr. Mooney.

Please, give me my
chance, for heaven's sake.

Please, please, please!

Mrs. Carmichael,
must you torment me?

Am I such a hard-hearted person?

Am I so cruel?

Am I so despicable?

Am I a cad?

- Am I...?
- Hold it. Don't push your luck.

Now, remember, everybody,
acting is not just done

with the voice or the body.

It's done with the heart,
the mind, the conscious,

the subconscious
and the unconscious.

We want to find out...

- Uh, pardon me.
- (stammers)

M-Mr. Rooney?

Oh, hello, Mrs. Carmichael.

Hello.

Oh, excuse me just a moment,
will you, please, friends?

Uh, why don't you just
have a seat right over here?

Thank you.

I guess you came
down to bring the papers

for me to sign from the bank.

- Huh?
- Well, no, sir.

I'm here because I'd like
to, uh, take acting lessons.

Well, I'm very
flattered that you'd want

to enroll at my
school, but we...

we don't just accept everybody.

I mean, you have to,
uh... have something.

Oh, well, you
accepted Mr. Mooney.

He has money.

Oh. (chuckles)

Well, that's, um...

That's kind of what I wanted

to talk to you
about, Mr. Rooney.

Well, what-what is it you mean?

Uh, well, I mean, I
don't have any money.

- I'm flat broke.
- What? What did you say?

- Yeah, but I-I...
- Huh?

- I don't want free tuition.
- Oh...

I-I'm willing to work around
here in exchange for my lessons.

I'd be very happy to do that.

Well, I-I just don't know.

Yeah, but, now,
look, Mr. Rooney,

if you accept me as a
student, I'll work so hard.

I'll scrub the floors.
I'll scrub the ceiling.

I'll do anything you say.

I'll make... I'll
make Cinderella

look like a lazy slob.

Now, wait a minute.

You don't have to go that far.

We can work out
something equitable, I'm sure.

- Oh, thank you, thank you.
- Yes.

You're wonderful. You're
so wonderful, Mr. Rooney.

And I'm so anxious
to work with you.

You know, it certainly
helped you a lot,

those father and son talks
that you had with Judge Hardy.

Now, look, don't thank me

until you're accepted
here as a student.

- Oh.
- And when I finish

with these students, we
can discuss everything later.

Excuse me.

Why doesn't everybody
here just take five minutes?

Will you, please?
Just take five.

Thank you. Now, Mrs. Carmichael?

- Yes, sir?
- You're quite sure

that you want to become
a part of the school?

Oh, yes. I'm positive, sir.

Oh, I think it's so exciting.
I just love showbiz.

Well... Well, first, uh...
I'll want to test you.

- Uh-huh.
- And we'll try some improvisations,

if you don't mind.

Improvisations?

Yes. Improv... Improvising.
That's acting without a script.

- Oh.
- You see, you make up

this whole thing
as you go along.

It's kind of like,
uh... instant theater.

(laughs)

You pick a situation

that some people stir,

and the first thing you
know, you've got a play.

Oh, that sounds like fun.

Yes. Are you ready for
your first improvisation?

- Yes, sir.
- All right, good.

Now, I'll pretend that
I'm your playboy husband

and that you're my, uh...
you're my long-suffering wife.

- Oh.
- I've been out on the town,

and it's now :
in the morning.

- You wonder where I've been.
- : in the morning?

- That's the situation.
- And I'm long-suffering?

We're going to improvise. Right.

Now, I'll say "action,"

and then we'll go
right from there, right?

- Yeah, but...
- Action!

Um, okay.

(groans): Oh...

Oh...

Oh!

: in the morning?

Oh, where can he be?

(slurred): What's new, pussycat?

Don't you "pussycat"
me, you playboy, you.

Staying out till
: in the morning

while... while long-suffering
me waits up for you.

Where have you been?

I've been out with
three scientists.

- Three scientists?
- Yes.

What were you doing with them?

We made a very
important discovery.

What was that?

Alcohol and gasoline don't mix.

It tastes terrible.

Oh, look at you,
coming home like this,

and this is our anniversary,
and you didn't bring me a thing.

Oh, that's not true.

Darling, you remember
that blue mink that you loved

that you saw in the window?

Yes.

I bought you a
mop the same color.

Well, that does it.

I'm going home to Mother.

No, your mother lives here.

That's why I drink.

Well, I'm leaving you.

No, please don't
leave me, darling.

I need you. I want you.

If I stay, will you
stop drinking?

I promise.

All right, I'll stay.

I'll drink to that.

Oh, I tell you, you
are sensational.

I'm so excited, being
able to work with you.

Thank you.

Thank you, and I'm
excited working with you.

Now, we want to
try something else.

- What?
- Now, every actor can learn something

from animals, if you just
watch their actions, the animals.

- Oh, you got some animals around here?
- Yes...

No, no, no, no. I want you
to pretend that you're a duck.

Now, walk like a duck.

- Walk like a duck?
- Walk like a duck.

Go ahead, be a duck.

Walk it. Walk like that.

How big a duck is it?

Well, it's just a duck.

Just duck it up a little bit.

Let me... Let me hear it.

- Quack, quack.
- What?

- Quack, quack.
- That's good.

- Quack, quack. Quack, quack.
- Yeah.

- Quack, quack, quack, quack.
- Yeah.

Quack, quack, quack,
quack. Quack, quack, quack.

Wait, hold it a minute.
What's the matter?

I just laid an egg.

What a great
imagination you've got.

Look, I tell you what.

Instead of a duck, now
we-we will be chickens.

Oh, that's easy.

- Let's be chickens.
- Yeah, yeah.

- (crowing)
- (clucking)

(crowing and clucking continue)

(crowing)

(crowing and clucking continue)

Is, um...

is that a new dance?

Or a nervous disorder?

You see, uh, Mr. Mooney,
Mrs. Carmichael and I,

we were just, uh,
improvising, that's all.

I see.

Well, whatever it was, I
hope there's a cure for it.

Mrs. Carmichael, what
are you doing here?

Well, Mr. Rooney said that
he might let me work here

in exchange for
my acting lessons.

That's right.

That's if you don't mind
losing a great secretary.

Oh, I won't be
losing a secretary.

You'll be gaining an ulcer.

But now can we get
on with my lesson?

I'm a busy man, and
time is money, you know.

Oh!

- Oh, that's right.
- Yes...

Well, I tell you what,
suppose we start out

with, uh, some
animal imitations.

Animal imitations?

Yes. Mr. Mooney, uh...

That's what we were just doing.

- Uh...
- Yes, right.

Now, uh, let's see.

Uh, you pretend
to be a kangaroo.

- Oh...
- We'll start you off with a kangaroo.

- Oh, I-I don't think I...
- Be a kangaroo.

- I don't think I...
- I think you'll be a wonderful kangaroo.

You're always hopping mad.

All right, all right.

That's enough out
of you! That's enough.

Now, come on, let's
see you be a kangaroo.

- A kang...
- A kangaroo.

- Uh...
- Go ahead, now ju...

- I'll think ka...
- Think kangaroo.

I'll think hop, yes.

That's it. Yeah, boun... Get
more bounce to your bounce.

Oh, all right.

That's right, bounce it up.

Ow!

Oh! Oh!

- MR. MOONEY: Oh, oh, I'm so sor...!
- Oh! Oh!

- Oh, oh!
- Oh, my...!

I didn't mean to do...

Ay, my leg!

- Are you... oh, oh.
- Oh, gosh!

I'm so, so...

Oh, you bent it.

Yes, I'm... I didn't...

- Ow.
- Oh.

My good... Mr. Mooney,

you certainly are
a clumsy kangaroo.

Well, I suppose you
would be a better kangaroo!

Yes, I can be a better kangaroo!

- Oh...
- Oh!

Now, wait a minute.

Mrs. Carmichael, you
make a fine kangaroo,

but Mr. Mooney
is a paying student.

So if you'll excuse
us, please...

All right, listen,
Mr.-Mr. Rooney.

I'm anxious to get to work

and-and earn my
tuition around here.

Just tell me something to do,

and I'd-I'd love to
get going with it.

Well, the first thing you can do

is just, uh, to mail these
letters for me, okay?

All right, put them in my pouch.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

(shouting)

Friends, Romans, countrymen,

lend me your ears.

I come to bury Caesar,
not to praise him.

Hey, that was great!

- Wait a minute.
- I'm sorry.

- Oh! -Mrs. Carmichael!
- I'm sorry!

Hey, put the brush away!

- All right.
- Oh, yeah...

Find something else
to do, will you, dear?

I was just trying to tell
him he was good, that's all.

- Oh, come on.
- That's what I get for trying to be nice.

Well, wait a minute,
Mr. Mooney, here, I'll get you.

- Now try it once again.
- All right.

From the beginning,
please, Mr. Mooney.

Go ahead.

MR. MOONEY: Friends, Romans,

countrymen, lend me your ears.

- (hammering)
- I come

to bury Caesar, not...

Stop that pounding!

Stop the pounding!

- (Mr. Mooney sobbing) -What
happened, for heaven's sake?

What happened?!

The ceiling fell in,
that's what happened!

Well, this place
is falling apart.

Oh, go on, get
something to clean it up,

- will you please, dear?
- Okay.

- Look at that!
- What?

When the bank gives me a loan,

- I'll have the ceiling fixed, okay?
- Yeah.

- All right.
- Try the whole speech again.

Friends, Romans,
countrymen, lend me your ears.

I come to bury Caesar,
not to praise him.

The evil that men
do lives after them.

The good is oft
interred with their bones.

So let it be with Caesar.

Ow!

What are you trying to do?!

- Oh!
- I'm sorry.

Oh, you...

I didn't do it on purpose.

Oh, you did, too!

You're just trying
to ruin my speech!

I was just trying to...!

(screams)

- Oh...
- Take it easy.

- I came here...
- Mr. Mooney, you were doing fine!

For self-confidence
and for poise!

And I'm a nervous wreck.

Yeah, you. What about me?

I-I been working my fingers
to the bone for a whole week,

I haven't even had a lesson yet.

- Oh...
- Now, wait a minute!

- I want you to calm down, both of you.
- Huh?

You're both gonna have a chance.

Tomorrow night, our drama
class is gonna put on a little sketch.

And you're both
going to be in it.

- Oh, really?!
- Yes.

Well, where are my lines?

Oh, you have no lines, dear.

You see, we're saluting that
grand old art of pantomime.

Pantomime? (gasps)

Oh, that's where
you open your mouth

but you don't say anything.

Well, that should
be right up your alley!

♪♪

(piano plays
old-fashioned, lively music)

♪♪

(scraping)

(rimshot)

(scraping)

(brief drumroll)

♪♪

(percussive clip-clopping)

(scraping)

♪♪

♪♪

(piano suddenly
playing stately march)

(piano resumes
playing lively music)

(bass drum strikes)

(clip-clop percussion plays)

♪♪

(clip-clop percussion plays)

(piano stops abruptly)

(piano playing
minor-key, dramatic music)

(drum strikes)

(piano playing dissonant chords)

(minor-key music
and percussion play)

(piano playing stately march)

(coin clinks)

(piano playing
minor-key, dramatic music)

(lively music resumes)

(piano playing jaunty melody)

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

(piano playing sad,
melodramatic music)

♪♪

(piano resumes jaunty melody)

♪♪

(piano playing
minor-key, dramatic music)

♪♪

(uptempo, suspenseful
music playing)

♪♪

♪♪

(clattering percussion)

♪♪

(clattering percussion)

(lively music resumes)

(rimshot)

♪♪

(music ends)