04x19 - Lucy and the Soap Opera

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

TV ANNOUNCER: Will Cynthia
arrive safely in New York?

Will Victoria Carruthers realize

that she is the sister-in-law
of Roger Gregory,

who is really Cynthia's father?

- What's happening
on Camden Cove?-Shh!

- I got stuck on the freeway.
- Shh!

TV ANNOUNCER: Will Roger
Gregory be arrested for embezzlement?

Tune in next week for
further developments

in Camden Cove, the
typical American town.

(TV clicks off)

Well, Mr. Camden found out, huh?

Yeah, the rat.

And you liked him at first.

I told you he had shifty eyes.

Well, you sit closer to
the television set than I do.

Yeah. But you know that's
really my favorite show.

And to think that my
favorite character in it

lives right here
in this building.

Oh, yes, Mr. Vernon does a
wonderful job as Roger Gregory.

Oh, he sure does.

And am I glad he lives here.

You know, every week
he tells me ahead of time

what's gonna happen.

- He does?!
- Yes.

Well, tell me, Lucy.

Are they gonna pick
up Roger Gregory?

Does he go on trial?

Well, we'll know
in a little while.

I asked Mr. Vernon to come
down for a cup of coffee.

Oh, terrific!

I always like to know
what's gonna happen

so I can start worrying early.

(chuckling): Yeah.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, I guess that
must be him now.

- Get yourself a cup.
- Oh.

- Come in, Mr. Gregory!
- Well...

- Oh, I mean Mr. Vernon.
- (Vernon chuckling)

Excuse me.

No need to apologize, my dear.

It's a compliment to
be so deeply identified

with the part one played.

Good evening, Miss Lewis.

Oh, good evening, Mr. Vernon.

You're certainly
doing a marvelous job

on that series.

Oh, yes, sir, you
are a true artist.

Well, thank you, ladies.

I consider this my
best characterization

since I played the
voice of Oink-Oink

in the Piggy Pete cartoon.

Oh, talk about acting.

Well, Mr. Vernon,

you're just the
greatest, that's all.

Well, you're very kind.

No, I mean it.

I'd like to see Richard Burton

go from playing a pig in a
poke to a teller in a bank.

- (Vernon laughs)
- Please sit down.

Well, tell me, Mr. Vernon.

- Uh, what's gonna happen in Camden Cove?
- Yeah, tell.

Is Mr. Camden gonna turn you in?

Are you going on trial?

LUCY: Yeah, tell us.

Yes, I go on trial.

Yeah, well, how
does it come out,

are you guilty or not guilty?

The author hasn't come
to a decision as yet.

Oh, well, I hope he does soon.

- The suspense is k*lling me.
- Me, too.

Well, that makes three of us.

What do you mean?

Well, Roger Gregory is
the best part I ever played.

And if the author
makes him guilty

and sends him
to the penitentiary,

then I'm out of the
series, out of a job

and out of my apartment.

Oh, no!

Oh, that author can't send
you to the penitentiary.

Oh, yes, he can.

Well, then, millions of people

are gonna stop
watching that show,

of which I am one of.

Oh, you're such a nice man,

he just can't take
you off that show.

That's what you think, Lucy.

Look at what he did
to poor Agnes Forsythe,

waitress at the Camden
Cove Tea Room.

(gasps) That's right.

She went out in the
kitchen to get some hash,

got amnesia and didn't get
back on the show for three years.

I think I'd better go.

Oh, so soon, Mr. Vernon?

Oh, I'm afraid I must.

Thank you for cheering me up.

Aw, aw, I'm so glad...

I'm so glad we've
been of some help.

Now, don't you worry
about anything, Mr. Vernon.

I'm sure everything's
going to be all right.

- I certainly hope so.
- Don't you worry now.

- Good night, good night.
- MARY JANE: See you soon.

LUCY: Bye-bye.

Oh, that poor man.

Gee, believe me, if I had
anything to say about it,

he wouldn't be found guilty.

(doorbell rings)

Come in.

Oh, hi, Mr. Mooney.

Good evening, Mrs. Carmichael.

Miss Lewis.

Working late
tonight, Mr. Mooney?

No, just paying a personal
visit to my favorite client.

(chuckles)

Mrs. Carmichael, would
you be kind enough

to sign this insurance
renewal for next year, please?

Am I really your
favorite client?

As a matter of fact...

no.

No, but I had to find
a legitimate excuse

to get out of the house tonight.

I couldn't stand the
sight of Mrs. Mooney

sitting in front of
our television set

sniveling over Camden Cove.

What do you mean by that?

It's a wonderful show
and very true-to-life.

Oh, poppycock.

Will you sign this, please?

Well, now, I just don't know

whether I should
sign any papers or not,

after what happened
to Victoria Carruthers.

Who is Victoria Carruthers?

Victoria Carruthers is a
lovely lady in Camden Cove.

MARY JANE: Who's a librarian.

Yes, but really, the
sister-in-law of Roger Gregory.

MARY JANE: Who's
actually the father of Cynthia.

Yeah, who is now
on a bus, not realizing

that Victoria Carruthers
is the one wh...

Oh, that's the part
I missed, Lucy.

She's on a bus;
she doesn't realize

that Victoria
Carruthers is real...

Oh, will you please forget
that and sign, sign, sign.

All right, all right.

- (Mr. Mooney groans)
- For heaven's sake.

She is on a bus...

That's the part that
you missed when you...

You have signed this
"Victoria Carruthers."

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Now, the whole thing will
have to be done over again.

- LUCY: Well, I'm sorry.
- Oh, I tell you.

You and million
other weeping women.

Weeping over that
silly, silly soap opera.

No wonder the author is one
of our bank's biggest depositors.

You know the author
of Camden Cove?

Oh, yes, all too often,

I have to pay a business
visit to Peter Shannon

at his rustic hideaway
cabin atop Coldwater Canyon

where he concocts
that mushy slop.

- Oh, Mr. Mooney?
- Hmm?

Do you know Peter
Shannon's telephone number?

- Yes, I do.
- Oh, could I have it, please?

No, you can't.

Well, I just want to find out

something about Camden Cove.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Mr. Shannon likes privacy.

If I gave his telephone number
to a snoopy busybody like you,

he would close his account.

And much as I despise his show,

I adore his money.

Well, it looks like the
suspense goes on for us, Lucy.

Yeah. Well, there
must be some way

to help poor
Mr. Vernon keep his job.

This calls for some thought.

(Lucy sighs)

(Mary Jane sighs)

That's enough thinking.

This calls for action.

I'm gonna go see Peter Shannon.

- Peter Shannon?
- Yeah.

You know, sometimes
writers have to be persuaded

to do the right thing
by their characters.

What do you mean?

Well, a man can
be a great writer

and still not treat
their characters fairly.

You know, I've never
been too happy with the way

Shakespeare handled
Romeo and Juliet.

I didn't want them
to die at the end.

Those crazy, mixed-up kids...

They should've lived
happily ever after.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

And I'm going to make sure

that Roger Gregory lives happily
ever after in Camden Cove.

(typing)

(phone rings)

Hello? Marty?

Marty, I told you
not to bother me.

Yes, I'm almost through.

I've only got one more page
to write on the trial scene.

That's right.

Oh, look, Marty, you
must leave me alone.

I haven't eaten,
I haven't slept,

I haven't spoken to
my wife in four days.

That shows you how nervous
I am... I'm not even married.

Leave me alone, Marty!

(gasps)

Who are you?

(with Japanese accent): Hello.

Me gardener shent by
Ros Angeles Garden Crub.

Me get lid of Japanese beetle.

Japanese beetles?

Uh, Japanese beetle vely bad.

Much more bad than
Beatles from Engrand.

Go away. Do it
someplace else. I'm busy.

Ah, so solly, so solly.

Cannot go till
last bug bite dust.

Go ahead. You lite stoly.

"Lite stoly"?

Oh, you mean "write story"?

That's what I say.

Lite stoly.

Say, how did you
know I was a lieter?

I mean a writer.

Simple deduction.

Typelieter not for
washing dishes.

You go do your work,
let me do mine, huh?

So solly, so solly.

(phone rings)

Whoever it is, the answer is no!

Oh, hello, Pussycat.

I didn't recognize your voice.

How are you, dear?

Yes, of course, I
know I promised you.

Yes, you're gonna
be on my TV show.

Of course, dear, I wrote
you a beautiful part.

You're gonna be on the jury.

That's right, Pussycat.

I'm finishing the scene now.

Good-bye. I'll talk to
you later, Pussycat.

(typing)

Now... (mutters)

Would you mind not
peeking over my shoulder?

Oh, me no peeking.

Uh, find brack widow
spider on paper.

It's not a spider...
That's a semicolon.

Oh, vely intelesting
bug, semicoron.

Uh, ooh, you lite Crumden Crove!

Yes, yes, I write Camden Cove.

Now go k*ll a beetle and let
me do my work, please, sir.

Ooh, the Crumden Crove.

My wife, she watch all
the time... Crumden Crove.

Vely sad, vely sad.

She clies so much, not
need splinkler to water rawn.

Ah, your wife watches my show?

Oh, yeah. My wife's favolite
chalacter, Mr. Glegoly.

Oh, you mean Gregory.

That's what I
say... Mr. Glegoly.

He's a bank quirk.

Ah, say, are you going
to send Mr. Glegoly to jail?

Oh, why not?

I could make him guilty.

Ooh, better not or my
famiry eat sukiyaki TV dinner

in flont of diffelent channel.

So we lose a few viewers.

Oh-ho-ho, not so few.

in famiry.

Also got cousins in
Pasadena, Grendale,

Ledondo Beach,
Cucamonga and Harrywood.

Harrywood?!

Now, look, would you
just take care of your bugs,

and I'll take care
of Mr. Gregory?

- So solly.
- Now don't interrupt me

- while I'm working.
- So solly.

Yeah, let me see
how that sounds.

Now, uh, "We the
members of the jury

find the defendant..."

Not guilty.

"not guilty." Now,
would you please

mind your own business,
please? I'll attend to this.

You do your work,
and I'll do my work.

Remember, I'm the one
around here who lites the sclipt.

Writes the script.

So solly.

- So solly.
- Now, please, no more.

You don't interrupt
me while I'm thinking.

One more interruption,
I'll blow my top.

- I must...
- Well, good morning!

Just what I need.

Our friendly banker.
Now what do you want?

Well, I'm sorry to interrupt,

but I have some important
papers for you to sign today.

- SHANNON: Yeah?
- Here we are.

Well, I don't want
any papers, okay?

- Well...
- All I want is some peace and quiet.

I just want to sit here,
peacefully, quietly,

and write my story.

- Mm.
- Yes. Let him lite...

Out! Out!

(Mr. Mooney shouts)

Out! Out! Out!

Yes, but I've got to
have these papers...

You, out! You out! Out!

- Both of you out!
- Ow!

- Please!
- Out!

Out! Out! Both of you out!

- Out. Out!
- (Mr. Mooney and Lucy mumble, phone rings)

- Would you let me...?
- Where you go?

- Hello, Marty.
- (Lucy speaks indistinctly)

Marty, this place is a madhouse.

- What is that?
- Get me a private room.

(phone rings)

Oh.

Ah. Hello?

Marty, will you leave me alone?

No, I still don't know if
he's guilty or not guilty.

That's the reason I
came to the hospital...

For some peace and
quiet so I could figure it out.

Marty, you're making me
an old man before my time.

Look at me!

I'm only , and I'm
here on Medicare.

But will-will you stop
bothering me, Marty?

One more interruption,
and I don't know what I'll do!

(whimpering)

(Shannon mutters)

Hello, sonny.

(gasps) Who are you?

Ah, just a
friendly little visitor

to brighten up your day.

(chuckling)

I belong to the HHH.

What the heck is the HHH?

Happy Hospital Helpers, honey.

- It's a wonderful
organization - Oh.

Made up of girls like
me who like to do our bit.

And this is my day to
help in the hospitals.

Oh. Oh, really?

Yes, and on Fridays, I babysit,

and on Saturdays,
I stand on corners

and let little Boy Scouts
help me cross the street.

Well, that's very
nice of you, lady.

Go help somebody else, huh?

Well, now, sonny, you look
like you need a little help.

Yes, you do.

Lady... lady, I
don't need any help.

Now, let's just make you
comfortable here, yeah.

I'm fine. Lady, please.
Please, lady. I'm fine. Fine.

Now, why don't you let
me take those heavy notes?

Lady, please! All I want is some
peace and quiet. Please, lady.

My, goodness, you
are a nervous one.

Oh.

Well, I've got something to
calm your nerves, sonny boy.

Ah. Ah.

Oh, look, lady, I don't drink.

This you'll drink.
It's chicken soup.

Chicken soup in
a whiskey bottle?

Sure. Why not?

Chicken soup, chicken soup.

Good for coughs
or colds or croup.

If your spirits sag or droop,

take a swig of chicken soup.

Now you just lay back, sonny.

- Take a...
- Lady, I don't want...

- Lady...
- Take...

Now look what you did.

Look what I did?!

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Well, don't you worry.

My chicken soup is very strong.

It does as much
good on you as in you.

Now then, you wipe yourself off

- Yeah.
- And I'll take your notes.

Lady! Leave these notes alone.

They're important.

I need them for a script
I'm writing. Now go.

Goodness sakes
a'mighty, are you a writer?!

Yes, yes, I'm a writer.

Oh, for heaven's sake.
What do you write?

Camden Cove.

Camden Cove!

Well, I do declare.

That's my very favorite
television program.

I never missed an episode
from the day it went on the air.

Yes, sir, I watch it
four times a week.

But it's only on
three times a week.

Well, I go down to Tijuana
and watch the reruns.

- Oh, you know something, sonny?
- Ah.

I just can't wait to tell
the girls that I met you.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Say, could you
do me a favor, sonny?

Could you tell me whether

you're gonna have Roger
Gregory found guilty or not guilty?

- No, lady, I can't tell you that.
- Hmm.

Oh? Well, all the girls in my
g*ng would sure like to know,

and there are oodles
and oodles of us

all over Pasadena,
Glendale, Redondo Beach,

Cucamonga and Harrywood.

"Harrywood"?

Ah, yes, Harrywood, yes.

That's a little suburb
between Anaheim and Azusa.

Well, now, can you tell
me if he's guilty or not guilty,

so I can tell my girlfriends?

Lady. Lady, will
you listen to me?

I'm afraid that your girlfriends

will have to be
like everybody else

and wait until next
Wednesday to find out.

Now, go on.

Oh, sonny, at our age,

some of us might not be
around next Wednesday.

Now, you please tell me.

Lady, if you don't
get out of here,

you may not be around tonight.

Now get out! Go! Go! Please!

Before I go, I'd just like

to take a teensy little
peek at those notes!

You leave these notes alone!

Aah!

Lady, get me up.
What are you doing?

Will you please get me up?

Lady, I have to get up and...

I got it.

Lady!

What, lady? Will
you go out of here...?

- Lady, please!
- Give me those notes!

Is he guilty or not guilty?!

I haven't made up my mind yet!

Well, you better
find him innocent,

'cause all us girls
want him innocent!

Well, if kooks like you want
him innocent, then he's guilty.

He's guilty!

That's what I'll make him...

Guilty, guilty, guilty!
Now, out, out, out!

If you find him guilty,

I'll never watch your
dang show again

- for as long as I live.
- Out! Out!

- (Mr. Mooney mumbles)
- He's guilty!

Good heavens to Betsy.

Don't you know better than
to bother people in hospitals?

All right, all right,
everybody quiet.

Quiet, please, on the set.
I've got some revisions.

Here, Vernon. Here
are your new pages.

Now, Judge, here's
revised page for you.

ACTOR: Thank you very much.

Who's playing the part
of the Jury Foreman?

Right here, sir.

Here. I'll go over these
new lines with you right now.

Thank you.

Now, the scene...

right here.

(low murmuring)

Hi, Mr. Vernon.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Carmichael.

Did you get the script again?

Yes. The verdict is guilty.

Oh, dear.

Well, don't you
worry. It's not over yet.

Oh, yes, it is.

You see, once we go on the air,

I have to go by
what the author said.

(Lucy sighs)

The script says that
Roger Gregory is guilty,

and that means I'm off the show.

Excuse me, Mr. Vernon.

Would you please take
your place over here?

- Good luck.
- Thanks.

Places, everyone. Places.

(band plays upbeat vampy theme)

Pardon me.

Where do I sit?

Who are you?

Oh. I'm a friend of the writer.

He told me I could
be on the jury.

Okay, go ahead, go ahead.

Thank you.

(vampy theme plays)

(vampy theme plays)

Pardon me.

Where do I sit?

Who are you?

Oh, I'm a friend of the writer.

He said that I
could be on the jury.

The writer already has
a girlfriend on the jury.

Oh, well, I'm his new one.

He's a swinger, and so am I.

(vampy theme plays)

Now I know why Shannon was
so late getting that script done.

(man laughs)

All right, everybody,
let's get ready to sh**t.

Mr. Shannon, come
right in, come right in.

And make it good,
because the author's here.

Hello, everybody.

- Well, how's everything going?
- Just fine, fine.

Well, uh, that's the toughest
scene I ever had to write.

I just couldn't seem
to make up my mind

whether to make
Gregory guilty or not guilty.

Well, I'm glad you
made him guilty.

- That's the way I felt it all the time.
- Mm.

All right, let's get ready.

Uh, Judge, prepare
to address the jury.

Roll the cameras.

Action.

Order in the court.

Ladies and
gentlemen of the jury,

have you reached a verdict?

Yes, Your Honor.

We, the members of the
jury, find the defendant,

Roger Gregory...

Not guilty!

Hold it! Hold it!

What's going on here?

Yes, what's going on here?

Well, I'll tell you
what's going on here.

You're sending an
innocent man to prison.

That's what's going on.

Who is she?!

Who is she?! She's
one of your girlfriends.

What?!

What?! Why, you

dirty, double-crossing,
two-timer!

- Pussycat.
- Oh!

There's been some mistake. I
don't even know this redhead.

Oh, a likely story!

(gasps)

What happened?

LUCY: You see?

You see? You're an innocent man,

but like Mr. Gregory,
you are guilty

because of
circumstantial evidence!

Gregory is guilty.

I ought to know.
This is my show.

Camden Cove belongs
to the American people,

of which I am a people!

In your heart, you know
that Gregory is not guilty.

For years, this kindly man...

Who never hurt a soul...

Worked behind the
cage at the Camden Bank.

Will somebody
shut this woman up?

Order in the court!

Hear me out, Your Honor.

Hear her out? Throw her out!

Do what you will with me,

but first, first consider this
grave miscarriage of justice.

Why didn't Mr. Gregory
deny taking that money?

I'll tell you why.

Because he was
protecting someone,

like he protected Dr. Ingmar

when he took out Victoria
Carruthers' appendix

and lost his eyeglasses.

Mr. Gregory knew
those eyeglasses.

He knew where they
were, but he didn't snitch.

No, sir.

He didn't want to ruin a
young doctor's practice.

He knew the doctor
would get the eyeglasses

the next time when he
took out her gallbladder.

He knew that.

Remember that wintry
night in Camden Cove

when old Mrs. Thompson,

who was saying
good-bye to her only son,

who was court-martialed
and thrown out of the army,

branded a coward,

and the only one who could
save him was a one-armed man

who was trying to
send him back to prison

for a crime he had
never committed,

even though he should
have run for his life,

because he had only
six months to live?

Eight months.

- Oh, was it eight months?
- Eight months.

- Yes, yes.
- Oh.

He had eight months to live.

But did Mr. Gregory say
he knew he was in town?

No, because he didn't
even know where he was

after being hit on the
head by a surfboard

trying to save the life
of Mr. Camden's sister's

eight-year-old son.

- Uh, ten years old.
- Ten-year-old son?

- Yes, he was ten.
- Yeah.

Who was not married...
The son, that is.

Ladies and
gentlemen of the jury,

before you reach a verdict,

consider this thought.

The quality of
mercy is not strained.

It droppeth as a
gentle rain from heaven

upon the place beneath.

And that...

that is the place

Mr. Gregory should
never be sent away from...

Camden Cove.

She's right!

She's right! Gregory
stays on the show!

He's not guilty!

Oh, wonderful!

Oh, Mrs. Carmichael! Well...

You stay on the show.

Bless you.

Oh, and I want to thank
you, too, Mr. Shannon.

Oh, this will please
all my friends in...

in Pasadena and Glendale

and Redondo Beach and Cucamonga

and Harrywood.

- Harrywood?
- So long.

So long, sonny.

Bye.