04x20 - Lucy Goes to a Hollywood Premiere

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Lucy Show". Aired: October 1, 1962 – March 11, 1968.*
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Widow Lucy Carmichael raises her children and shares her home with divorcee friend Vivien.
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04x20 - Lucy Goes to a Hollywood Premiere

Post by bunniefuu »

ANNOUNCER:
Starring Lucille Ball.

(exhales)

(fondly): Oh...

Hello!

(doorbell rings)

Come on in!

The door's open!

Oh, hi, Mr. Mooney.

Hey, I didn't expect to see you

until I came to
work this afternoon.

Nor I you.

That would've given
me a peaceful morning

without a single urge to
tear my hair out by the roots.

Now, Mrs. Carmichael,

would you explain this
check drawn to Air Express

in the amount of $ ?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I sent to Danfield for
my priceless collection

of old movie magazines.

See 'em?

$ for this trash?!

It's not trash... These
are collector's items.

Well, why don't you let the
trash collector pick them up?

Oh, Mr. Mooney!

You don't know anything about
what movie fans appreciate.

I have things here that,

well, you'd be amazed
how much they pay for them.

- They pay for this stuff?!
- That's right.

Why, there's an article in one
of these magazines, right here,

that's a collector's item.

- Hm.
- Here, now, look at this.

"Marriage Is Not for Me."

Who's it by?

Elizabeth Taylor.

She wrote it when she was .

You mean you've been keeping
all this junk for all those years?

It is not junk,
Mr. Mooney; it's a hobby...

Like, like collecting stamps.

I've always loved the movies,

and I've always
admired the stars.

Why, even when I was a
kid, the only pet I ever had

I named Rin Tin Tin.

Was he a police dog, too?

No, she was a canary.

Uh, here's another check that
I would like explained, please.

It's for $ ,

and it is made out to
Lillian Goodman's Goodies.

Oh... oh, that's for a
pink chiffon nightgown.

Well, do pink chiffon
nightgowns usually cost $ ?

No, no... but this was
a secondhand one.

- Uh, Mrs. Carmichael...
- Yeah?

Isn't $ a lot of money

to pay for a secondhand
pink chiffon nightgown?

It was worn by Doris
Day in Pillow Talk!

I wouldn't pay $ for a nightie

if it was worn by Jack
Lemmon in Some Like It Hot!

Oh!

Now, Mrs. Carmichael, these
two checks amount to, uh,

$ ... which you have wasted!

I have not wasted it!

Your balance has dwindled

to the enormous sum of
a dollar and three cents!

Oh, yeah, I want to
talk to you about that.

Oh.

I'm gonna have to have

an advance on my allowance.

I need some money.

For what?!

Well, uh, my girlfriend
Mary Jane and I

are going to a big
premiere tonight

at the Taj Mahal Theater.

And you want $ for a ticket?

No, I don't want
$ for a ticket.

Oh.

Mary Jane works at the
studio and she gets free passes,

but I do need money for a
dress; I don't have a thing to wear.

Why don't you go in
Doris Day's nightgown!

Oh, I couldn't do that!

Mrs. Carmichael,
please be sensible.

Why don't you stop
wasting time and money

on movie magazines
and secondhand clothes

and premieres?

Forget Hollywood!

How could I forget
Hollywood when I live here?!

Haven't you ever
heard of willpower?!

Will Power... is
he that new star

they discovered washing
dishes at the Beachcomber?

No!

I mean willpower!

Willpower has to
do with the mind!

No wonder you don't
know anything about it.

I have had it.

- I've had it.
- Well, I-I'll see you

- back at the bank, Mr. Mooney.
- No, you won't!

Coming face-to-face with
you once in one day is enough!

I'm taking the afternoon off,
so I can get some relaxation!

Oh, I tell you,

what you do to my blood
pressure is just a crime!

I don't know what you
got so excited about...

Good-bye! (startled shout)

Oh, hello, Mrs.
Foley. (nervous laugh)

Mr. Mooney, this is my
neighbor, Mrs. Foley.

How do you do, Mrs. Foley?

I'm charmed.

- How do you do?
- Will you excuse me, ladies?

(chuckles)

Isn't he a sweet man!

Yeah, sweet, sweet.

Oh, Lucy, thanks so much for
the loan of your double boiler.

Oh, that's all right;
you didn't have

to bring it back so
soon, Mrs. Foley.

Well, I didn't want to forget.

With my boy, Tom, going
into the army tomorrow,

I'll be moving back to Iowa.

- Oh, are you going back to Iowa?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, dear!

You mean you're
gonna have to give up

your wonderful, glamorous
career in showbiz?

Yes, and I hate to leave.

I've got the best
corner in Beverly Hills!

Why, I've been selling
maps to movie stars' homes

for years.

Oh, what a shame.

Gee, it's such a
wonderful business to be in.

Seeing all those movie
stars when they whiz by

every day, in their big cars.

The other day, I
watched Rock Hudson

change a tire, right
in front of my stand.

You watched him?

You mean you didn't
change it for him?

Oh, Lucy!

Well, I would've.

I would've changed it for
him and washed the car

and waxed it and
gotten his phone number.

Oh, gee, Rock Hudson! Boy!

Lucy, I see your collection of
movie magazines has arrived.

Yeah, yeah. And look, here's
that picture of Carole Lombard

I was telling you about.

- Wasn't she beautiful?
- Yeah.

Oh, I was just crazy about her.

- Lucy...
- What?

The way you feel
about movie stars,

you ought to take over
my corner when I leave.

Take over your corner?!

Why, sure! You'd
see lots of movie stars!

And you'd make some money, too.

Gee, I don't know, Mrs. Foley.

I've got my job at
the bank, you know.

Oh, I'd like to see somebody
like you take over that corner.

Somebody who really
appreciates showbiz.

Oh...

Well, gee...

maybe I could.

I'll moonlight from
my job at the bank.

I'll start tomorrow!

Well, I hope that corner's
available tomorrow.

- What do you mean?
- Well, some other map seller's

- liable to move right in.
- Really?

Why, it's a cutthroat business.

Those gangsters'll muscle
in the first chance they get.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Well, then I'll start today.

Mr. Mooney isn't
gonna be at the bank.

He won't even miss me.

You better hurry before
somebody beats you to it.

(movie gangster voice): Yeah?
Well, don't you worry, sister.

Nobody's gonna
b*at me to it, see?

Nobody's gonna muscle
in on my territory, see?

This corner ain't big
enough for both of us, see?

I'm giving you hours
to get out of town, see?

Oh, what a wonderful
imitation of Jimmy Cagney!

I was doing Edward G. Robinson!

Maps! Get your maps over here!

Maps! Right over here!

- (cars passing)
- Buy your...

Maps! Get your maps over here!

Buy your maps right over here!

Excuse me, sonny,

I think you're on
the wrong corner.

I think you are, lady.

Maps! Get your
maps right over here!

- Buy your map...
- Look, kid...

(in gangster voice): this
corner ain't big enough

for both of us, see?

Nobody's gonna muscle
in on my territory, see?

So you better b*at it, see?

Lady, would you stop those
corny imitations of Jimmy Cagney?

Maps! Get your
maps right over here!

Maps of the movie
stars' homes...

Okay, if that's the
way you want it.

Maps! Maps!

Get your maps right here!

- (car passing)
- Maps to the movie stars' homes!

Maps! Maps! Only one dollar!

Maps over here
for only cents!

- (car passing)
- Get your maps over here!

Maps! Maps! Only cents!

- Maps over here for only ...
- Get your maps

for the movie stars' homes!

Maps here for cents!

Right over here!
cents! Get your...

All right, all right, wait
a minute, now, kid.

Let's talk this over.

We both can't operate here.

Yeah... one of us is gonna
have to buy the other out.

All right, sir, I'm prepared
to make you a fair offer.

How much do you want?

How does five dollars sound?

You got a deal.

I only asked how it sounded.

I want ten.

Aw, you got me over a barrel.

All right, there's ten dollars.

That's for today.

Tomorrow it'll cost
you another ten.

Boy, you're a
shrewd businessman!

Well, I've learned
a lot from my uncle.

Who's your uncle?

Jack Benny.

(motorcycle approaching)

Maps! Maps!

Want a map, mister?

Maps to the movie stars' homes!

Maps to the movie stars' homes!

Get your maps! Only a dollar!

I'll take one of those.

Oh, yes, sir.

I mean, yes, ma'am.

Do you want to know where
anybody in particular lives?

Yes. Elvis Presley.

- Elvis Presley?!
- Yes.

Wouldn't you rather know
where Lawrence Welk lives?

You run your life,
and I'll run mine.

Well, excuse me, lady.

Okay.

(motorcycle engine starts)

Say hello to Steve McQueen!

Gee!

Maps! Maps!

Get your maps to the
movie stars' homes!

- (man humming a tune)
- Maps! Maps!

(man continues humming)

- Mrs. Carmichael?!
- Look out!

Why aren't you at the bank!

Look out, Mr. Mooney, look out!

(crashing)

Oh, no.

(Mr. Mooney groaning)

Oh...

LUCY: Oh, my, did
you hurt yourself?

No.

No, I always stop by
running into a brick wall.

Of course I hurt myself!

(yelling)

(yelling, groaning)

Oh, and it's all your fault.

What do you mean, my fault?

Well, what are you doing here?!

And how dare you moonlight
from your job at the bank!

Well, at least I'm
moonlighting in broad daylight!

I just thought I could make
a profit out of my hobby,

that's all... by going into
this glamorous business.

Glamorous business?!

Mrs. Carmichael, you are
making a fool of yourself!

Well, I don't
happen to think I am.

Well, you should see yourself.

It's disgusting!

(mocking): Here you are!

Let me take that, too.

Maps!

Maps! Get your maps
to movie stars' homes!

Learn all about where
they live, get all the details...

I'll buy one of your maps, bud.

Here you are.

Collins, Beverly Hills Police.

Let me see your
license for peddling.

License?!

I don't have a license.

Uh, besides,

it's her business. (chuckles)

Oh, hiding behind a
woman's skirts, huh?

No, uh, I can explain.

- I was going by on...
- Explain it to the desk sergeant.

- Come on, let's go.
- Oh, don't worry, Mr. Mooney,

- I'll explain to the sergeant.
- You keep out of this,

or I'll probably wind
up on Devil's Island!

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Oh, hi, Mary Jane.

Yeah, I was out all afternoon.

What do you mean we're not
going to the premiere tonight?

They promised you passes.

Oh, no.

Well, could they maybe get
us seats in the grandstand,

outside the theater?

Oh.

How about standing
room in the parking lot?

Oh, darn, and I had
my heart set on going.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, my doorbell's ringing.

Yeah, all right, I'll
talk to you tomorrow.

Bye.

Oh...

Oh, hi, Tom!

Hello, Mrs. Carmichael.

Come on in.

Well, your mother tells me

you're going into
the army tomorrow.

Well, I thought I was
supposed to report tomorrow,

but I read my induction
papers wrong... it's today.

I've got to leave right away.

- Oh!
- Look, my mother isn't home.

- Would you please do me a favor?
- Sure.

Ask her to drop this
uniform off at Charlie Smith's.

Okay.

Hey, what a crazy uniform.

What army is he in?

Oh, that's my doorman's uniform.

I work at the Taj Mahal Theater.

- (gasps) You do?!
- Well, I did.

You mean you're gonna
miss that big premiere tonight

and all those wonderful stars?

Afraid so.

You ought to tell the army

that you're gonna
report tomorrow.

I don't think
Lyndon would like it.

No, I guess not.

Mrs. Carmichael,

tell Mom to be sure and get
this uniform over to Charlie Smith,

because he's taking
my place tonight.

Right. Don't you worry
about it. I'll take care of it.

- Well, I better hurry. I'll be late.
- Okay.

- Good-bye.
- Good luck and good-bye, dear.

- And thanks, Mrs. Carmichael.
- You're very welcome.

(sighs)

Testing one, two, three, four.

Testing, testing.

Hello, everybody,
I'm Johnny Grant,

in Hollywood at the
Taj Mahal Theater,

and this is really
gonna be a big night.

Hello, testing, testing.

Coming through all right
out there in the truck, huh?

Okay, good boy.

- One, two, testing.
- Come on.

I want you
photographers out front.

Take all the pictures you can.

Hello, Johnny!

- (laughs)
- Hello. Good to see you.

Hey, this should
be a gala night.

It really should.

My boys better
be right on the ball.

Okay, and I'll
check the traffic...

Ah, you do that.

All right, doormen,
front and center!

(blows whistle)

Line up!

All right, men, sound off!

- Vernon!
- O'Sullivan!

- Traxler!
- Brezowski!

- Sheffield!
- Smith!

Smith?

- You're new.
- Yes, sir.

Huh, well, uh, you know this
isn't a very easy assignment.

No, sir.

- I hope you've got plenty of experience.
- Yes, sir.

That uniform you're wearing...
That stands for service

beyond the call of
duty to the Taj Mahal.

Yes, sir.

You do it proud!

Yes, sir.

We have no
goldbrickers in our ranks.

No, sir.

This is no chicken outfit.

No, sir.

You stop that saluting.

Yes, sir.

That's enough of that!

All right, men...

now hear this.

This is Operation Premiere.

This will be your finest night.

I want your eyes front!

Chin up!

Attention!

Right dress!

About face!

Smith, don't you
hear "about face"?

No, what about it?

Back in line!

All right, men.

We will now have
our precision drill.

Ready?

Forward, march!

To the rear, march!

To the rear, march!

Left flank, march!

To the rear, march!

Company, halt!

About face!

About face!

About face!

Smith.

What is the matter?

You seem a bit confused.

Me confused?!

You're the one giving
the crazy orders.

For this, I had to
go to West Point.

Oh, did you go to West Point?

Back in line!

People are coming;
we're ready to go.

All right, now, doormen
to your battle stations!

Charge!

Smith!

Get to your station!

And our first celebrities are
arriving, ladies and gentlemen.

Here comes a very famous man,

that famous composer of
movie theme songs, Dimitri Orlov,

right here in front of me now.

- Good evening.
- Good evening.

And what picture are
you working on now?

The Doctors and Nurses A-Go-Go.

And what is the theme song?

"I Left My Kidney
With Dr. Sidney."

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

And our next
arrival is Mr. Al...

Smith!

(clanking)

Our next arrival
is Mr. Albertini,

of the famous banking
firm, and his guest.

Good evening.

Nice to see you again, Johnny.

Good to see you.

And your name, sir?

Uh, Mooney.

Theodore J. Mooney.

I didn't expect to come,
but Mr. Albertini had

- an extra ticket, so...
- Uh-huh.

Well, we seem to be having
a little trouble here tonight.

Are you, uh, you
enjoying the premiere?

Oh, very much.

I'm especially looking forward
to the moment when the lovely

Mimi Van Tysen puts her
dainty footprint in the cement.

Well, I'm sorry she
hasn't arrived as yet.

- Oh, she ha...
- No.

Uh, could we wait a
little while and maybe...?

Well, my feet are k*lling me.

Let's get to our seats.

Yes, sir. Yes...

Oh, I see a car pulling up,
and another celebrity is arriving!

I'll go open the car door.

No!

You stay right here
and keep this post up

till I get it fixed.

And look who's coming, ladies.

The country's
fastest-rising romantic star,

the man who may be another
Tab Hunter or Rip Torn,

here he is... Road Block!

All right, Road Block,
how about flashing

that famous smile of yours

to your fans out
there in television land.

Would you hang
onto this, please?

Hang on tight or you
might get clobbered.

Thanks, Road. Boy,
we're all looking forward

to your latest picture.

Yeah, we sure are.

Could I have your
autograph, please, Mr. Block?

Oh...

Oh, gee, this...
this is such a thrill.

Every night, before I go to
sleep, I hope I dream about you.

Thank you.

All right, now, Smith,
will you pick that up

while I try to get
this underneath?

Now pick it up. Up.

All right.

Uh, uh, doorman?

(deep voice): Yes, sir?

Has Miss Van Tysen arrived
for the footprint ceremony yet?

Not yet, sir.

(chuckling): Oh...

I'm so excited.

I-I can hardly wait.

Got the old Hollywood
fever, eh, pop?

Oh, yes...

Oh, yes.

- Sir.
- Yes?

You'll be able to see Miss
Van Tysen arrive right out there.

Oh, out there? Oh, wonderful.

I'll get a close look
at her out there.

Will you get out
there and keep those

sneaky autograph
hounds away from the stars!

Yes, sir. They're
sneaky, all right.

And we have many stars arriving.

Here is Vincent Edwards!

(fans applauding, whistling)

(Lucy speaking inaudibly)

Oh... oh, Doctor.

Oh, Doctor. (chuckles)

Oh, Doctor.

And here is Mr. Kirk Douglas,
the star of two great pictures,

The Heroes of Telemark
and Cast a Giant Shadow!

(Lucy speaking inaudibly)

Oh...

Oh, Mr. Douglas.

Oh.

Oh... (chuckles)

Arriving now, Mr. and
Mrs. Edward G. Robinson!

Oh!

(fans applauding,
cheering, whistling)

Can I have your autograph?

Please, can I have
your autograph?

Oh.

Oh, how do you
do, Mrs. Robinson?

Oh, thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

Oh.

Oh, are you anybody?

And here is the Schnozzola,

Jimmy Durante and
his lovely wife Margie!

And now look who's coming...

The star of Love in the
Jungle,
Mimi Van Tysen!

And her costar,
Coconuts Mulligan!

Miss Van Tysen,

say hello to all your fans
watching out there on TV.

(nasally): Hello.

Hiya, Coconuts.

(grunting)

Miss Van Tysen,
we've all been waiting

to see you put your
footprints in the cement.

And, uh, your paw
prints, Coconuts.

Right over this way, please.

Could I have your autograph?

- Well...
- Oh, please?

Oh, all right.

Please.

- Oh, thank you.
- Mm.

Thank you. You look so...

Give me that. That's
my autograph book.

Oh, it's yellow. He
thinks it's a banana.

Well, it's my banana.

Give me that! Give me that!

That's no way for
a big star to act!

You give me that!
You give me... that!

(crowd screaming)

(Coconuts growling, grunting)

(deep voice): Uh,
sorry about that, sir.

What?

That's all right.

All right, stop with
the scraping already.

Yeah, well, I want to get that
cement off before it hardens.

Oh, good heavens, it will. I
better get home right away.

- Yeah.
- Which way?

Yes.

- Right out that way, sir.
- Yeah.

Oh, uh, young man.

- Young man.
- Yeah?

Uh, would you give this
ticket to some deserving fan?

I certainly will.

I go that, that way out, hm?

Right that way.

Smith!

I've had just about
enough out of you!

You've disrupted
the entire regiment.

Well, I...

I'm breaking you to a civilian.

Turn in your uniform!

What?! Right now?!

- Right now!
- Hold that.

And that.
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