04x23 - Lucy the Robot

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

(suspenseful
music plays over TV)

(expl*si*n booming)

(clattering)

Oh, good heavens!

(pounding at door)

- MAN: Lady! Lady!
- Come in.

Lady, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm all right.

You-you-you...

you're not hurt
from the expl*si*n?

No, I'm not hurt, but I think

my television set took
a turn for the worse.

Wonder what happened.

I happened.

I caused the expl*si*n.

You did?

I live in the
apartment downstairs.

Oh, a-are you that inventor the
landlady was telling me about?

Yes, m... my name
is Sam Boscovitch.

I just came out from New York.

Oh, well, how do you
do? I'm Lucy Carmichael.

- Glad to meet you.
- Thank you.

Oh, I'm so sorry
about the expl*si*n.

- Oh, that's all right.
- I-I guess I must've

started a lot of short-
circuiting around here, huh?

You weren't, by any
chance, in New York

when they had that
big blackout, were you?

Oh, no, no! That...
that wasn't me.

- Oh.
- But tonight, it was.

You see, I was
conducting an experiment,

and some nitroglycerin...

Nitroglycerin?

It got mixed up in with
some strawberry jam seeds.

What were you inventing,
atomic marmalade?

You see, I was using, uh,
jelly jars, uh, as a test tube,

and I'm afraid I just didn't
wash it out well enough.

Oh. Oh, I see.

No, I don't see.

Jelly jars and
strawberry jam seeds?

Well, Mrs. Carmichael,
you see, I cannot afford,

uh, real test tubes
or a real laboratory,

so I'm using my little kitchen.

Oh, I guess all this
sounds silly to you,

- doesn't it?
- No, it doesn't.

Not at all. It's fascinating.

Please, sit down.

Oh, thank you.

No, I... I just think that
inventors are wonderful.

You do?

Yes, I do.

I'm a big fan of Thomas Edison
and Alexander Graham Bell.

Oh, you are?

Yes, yes.

I'm always making phone
calls and turning on lights.

That's nice.

Uh, I better fix your
television set, okay?

Oh, thank you.

Gee, that was certainly
some expl*si*n.

Yeah. I'm sorry about that.

Well, you know, I-I've
never met an inventor before.

- Oh?
- No.

Have you invented many
interesting little gadgets?

Yes. Would you like to
see some of my inventions?

Oh, I'd love to.

Well, I guess
this is just about it.

Got it?

- You finished so soon?
- Yes.

I even made a few adjustments
to improve your reception.

- Oh.
- Watch this.

- (Asian music plays) -TV
ANNOUNCER: This is Station KUNK,

the voice of Hong Kong.

Hong Kong?

Boy, did you
improve my reception.

What did you do there?

My inventions.
(stammers frantically)

- LUCY: Are you far?
- Right here.

Uh, excuse the mess.

Oh, that's all right.

Oh...

Oh, that's where
it happened, huh?

This is where it happened.

Yeah, looks like
a disaster area.

Yes.

Uh, uh, uh, excuse me. Uh, uh...

My, what a lot of
fascinating-looking things

you have in here.

- Yes.
- (Lucy chuckles)

What's that over there?
What happened here?

Oh, here.

Um, I was trying to invent

some ice cubes that would
pop right out of the tray.

Did it work?

Too well.

They popped right
through the door.

(chuckles)

Well, at least you
proved once and for all

that when the refrigerator
door is closed, the light goes out.

Would you like some coffee?

No. No, thanks.

I want to look at
all these gadgets.

What's this Frankenstein-y
looking thing here?

Is it for smashing atoms
or... creating life or something?

No.

It makes coffee.

It makes coffee?

Well, that's very clever, Sam.

Thank you.

Gee.

How long have you
been inventing things?

- Oh, since I was a kid.
- Oh?

I was always inventing
things to, uh... to amuse myself.

Oh.

I had a terrible childhood.

- You did?
- Yeah.

When I was young, I was fat.

You were fat?

Very fat.

All I ever heard was, "Hey,
Fat Sam! Hey, Fat Sam!"

Oh, other children
can be so cruel.

No, that was my
mother calling me.

Well, when I was a
kid, I was tall and skinny.

I had a mouth full of braces
and this flaming red hair.

I looked like a lit
match with buckteeth.

Have you ever sold
any of your inventions?

No. Oh, but I did sell an
idea for a new airplane

to an Australian company...
The Boomerang Airlines.

Boomerang Airlines?

They now have the only
airplane that flies nonstop

from Sydney, Australia
to Sydney, Australia.

Well, that sounds
a little silly.

Well, they wanted
something for people

that love to travel but
don't want to go anyplace.

Oh. Well, that makes sense.

Gee, you know something?

I'm glad I met you.

Thank you.

Someday, I'm going
to be able to say

that I know the famous
Samuel Boscovitch.

Well, thank you,
but I don't think so.

Why not?

Well, to be a
successful inventor,

you have to have
financial backing,

and I just don't
know where to get it.

Well, you know something, Sam?

I work for a bank. I
know where to get it.

You... you do?

Yeah. And the first
thing tomorrow morning,

I'm going to take you down there
to meet my boss, Mr. Mooney.

O-o-okay, but, uh, I...

I-I don't think it's
going to be any good.

Why?

Well, because bankers, uh,

think that inventors
are eccentric.

Eccentric?

Listen, anyone that can invent

a boomerang
airplane is a genius.

Now, you be ready
first thing in the morning.

- I certainly will.
- And don't blow yourself up

- in the meantime.
- I certainly will not, Mrs. Carmichael.

- Okay.
- I certainly won't.

Good morning, Mr. Mooney.

Good morning.

Uh, Mr. Mooney, I
was wondering if you...

MR. MOONEY (over
speaker): No, Mrs. Carmichael.

Absolutely not.

No, not a chance.

Out of the question.

What is that?

A little recording I made

to save my voice
when you're around.

Well, you didn't even
hear what I had to say.

(over speaker): I'm not
interested, Mrs. Carmichael.

But...

Mrs. Carmichael, you
give me a pain in the...

a pain in the...
a pain in the...

pain in the neck.

Boy, you and your machine

are certainly in a
grouchy mood today.

Now, look, I'm trying
to do you a favor.

I know a very talented inventor.

I don't want to hear about it.

I have enough problems today.

My -year-old nephew,
Wendell, is staying with me.

Is he a problem?

Was World w*r I a problem?

Oh, he can't be that bad.

He's worse.

At least World w*r I
had some good songs.

Oh.

I know the bank makes
loans to people with promising

- projects, and if... if...
- (phone rings) -I...

Hello? Hel...

Tell Wendell not to put the
cat in the washing machine.

No, I don't know what
to do with a dizzy cat.

(groans)

Was that your wife?

No, no. Irma's
away at her reunion.

College?

No, commandos.

Well, who was that?

Oh, that was Mrs.
Fletcher, the babysitter.

You have a babysitter
for a -year-old boy?

Yes, yes, but he should
have an armed guard.

Oh, that... that child
is an absolute brat!

Yeah, he sounds awful.

- (Mr. Mooney sighs)
- Where are his parents?

They ran away from home.

They ran away?

Well, actually, they're
on a two-week vacation,

but it seems like ten years.

Yeah, well, I'm very sorry

about your problems
at home, Mr. Mooney,

but that shouldn't stop you
from wanting to meet my friend.

He's a real genius,
and he's right outside.

Well, tell him to stay there!

- Te... (groans)
- Uh, Mr. Boscovitch.

Mr. Mooney is just
dying to meet you.

- Hello, sir.
- How do you do, young man?

- (phone ringing)
- I'm glad to meet you, uh, uh...

Uh, hello! Hello...

Well, tell him not to put
Cleo's head in the goldfish bowl.

Who's Cleo?

The cat.

Well, at least she's out
of the washing machine.

Now, about Mr. Boscovitch...

Uh, he's really a
wonderful inventor and...

- (phone ringing) -I...
- Sir, I would...

Hello? Hel...

Going to have to
speak up, Mrs. Fletcher.

I can't hear you.

Your voice is muffled.

Oh, he put your head
in the goldfish bowl.

Well, don't inhale.

I'll be right over.

- I've got to get home.
- Oh, Mr. Mooney...

- Everything's going to pieces.
- Sir, it's been my...

- Before you go...
- That nephew of mine...!

- (grumbling)
- Mr. Mooney?

See?

I told you how bankers
feel about inventors.

No, no, no. It's not that.

It's just that he's very
upset about Wendell,

a bratty nephew of his.

Oh.

You know, I wish you
could invent something

that would make
Wendell disappear.

Say, do you think that you
could invent some kind of a toy

that would keep that
kid happy and occupied?

Maybe. Do... do you
think that would help?

Sure, it would. Mr. Mooney
would be so grateful,

- he'd give you anything you wanted.
- Oh...

Now, let's see.

What would keep a
-year-old boy happy?

How about a -year-old girl?

Now, Sam, stop kidding.

They like mechanical things.

Maybe you could make him
a... a mechanical toy soldier.

There's nothing new in
that. I mean, they have

- toy mechanical soldiers. No.
- Yeah.

Now, let's see.

- I got it!
- What?

I got it.

What I always wanted
when I was a kid.

- What's that?
- A friend.

You're going to
build him a friend?

I'm going to make Wendell
a life-size robot friend.

- A robot!
- Uh-huh.

Oh, yeah.

And maybe you could still
make it look like a toy soldier.

He should love that.

Yes, that's exactly
what I'm going to do.

I'll make him tall, handsome,
a... a dashing soldier.

Good. And while you're
at it, make one for me.

Come on. Hurry up!

Okay!

Come on! Come on.

I've got something to show you.

Oh, will you be proud of me.

Will you... just stand here.

Turn around. Face there.

Listen.

Forward, march!

Halt!

Left face!

Huh?

Oh, Sam.

He's beautiful!

SAM: Do you think
he's too stiff or deadpan?

Stiff or deadpan? No.

What if Wendell
doesn't like him?

Well, then we'll just book him

as a replacement
for Ed Sullivan.

Mrs. Carmichael, I want you
to be the first to test him out.

What should I do?

Give him orders. Go ahead.

- m*llitary orders.
- Uh, uh...

uh, uh, salute.

Oops.

What happened?

I adjusted the arm too low.

Oh.

Oh, it's a good thing robots
don't have Adam's apples,

or his would be split.

All right, try him again.

Uh, salute.

- Oh, doggone it.
- Too high, huh?

- Too high, too high.
- Yeah.

Oh, darn it. I...

Well, don't worry.
Now, don't worry.

Wendell will get a
big kick out of him.

Hey.

Mrs. Carmichael,
you've got to be careful.

The robot obeys every word.

Oh, I shouldn't say "kick."

Hey, nobody likes
a smart aleck robot.

Guess he works perfectly now.

Yeah, he sure was
on target with me.

All right, here we go.

- Oh, he's beautiful.
- All right.

- Try again.
- Uh, salute.

Ah, perfect.

Ask him what his name is.

Uh, what is your name?

My name is Major Fun Fun.

I obey orders.

Oh, he's just wonderful, Sam!

I want to call
Mr. Mooney right away.

- Where's your telephone?
- Uh, over here.

Where?

On the end table.

Where, Sam?

It's right in front of you.

This thing?

Yeah, it's my new invention.

While you're waiting
for the number,

you can scratch your back.

Oh, Sam.

(laughing)

You and your inventions.

(phone ringing)

Hello.

Hello, Mr. Mooney.

- Yes.
- This is Lucy Carmichael.

Oh, I don't have time to talk
to you now, Mrs. Carmichael.

I have a golfing date.

My nephew has
hidden all my clubs.

Oh, that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

You know where my clubs are?

No, I mean I wanted to talk
to you about your nephew.

Remember yesterday
I was in your office

with a... with a young inventor?

He knows where my clubs are?

No, Mr. Mooney.

But he's invented
a big toy soldier

that might amuse your
nephew and keep him occupied.

- Well...
- (air horn blaring)

(yelling)

You little...!

Oh, he got loose again.

Mrs. Carmichael, whatever it is,

bring it over, will
you, right away?

I'm a coward. I'm running out.

But Mrs. Fletcher
needs your help.

Please hurry.

Don't worry, the
Marines are coming.

Good, good.

Oh, hooray. He wants us to bring
Major Fun Fun over right away.

Swell! I'll get a crate.

We don't need a crate.

- I'll get my jacket.
- We'll march him over.

All right.

About face.

Forward, march.

Halt.

Right face.

Forward, march.

Hurry up. We're on our way.

(loud crash)

(spring twanging)

Oh, Sam.

What happened to him?

You forgot to teach
him to walk down stairs.

You think you can fix it?

I can't do that. He's ruined.

Why, it will take days
to make another one.

Oh, but we promised
Mr. Mooney we'd bring it right over.

- That's impossible.
- Sam, nothing is impossible.

- Well, this is.
- We got to do something.

Mrs. Carmichael,
it's impossible.

You got to do something!

- I can't do it! (shouts)
- If you want that money...

(doorbell ringing)

All right, all right.

(doorbell ringing)

Yes.

Are you Mrs. Mooney?

No, I'm Mrs. Fletcher,
the babysitter.

I have a package
for Wendell Mooney.

Well, bring it in. I'll
unlock Wendell's cage.

All right, let's go, Bennett.

Bring it in now, very easy.

Watch the doors.

Attaboy.

Come right through.

That's it. Right... That's it.

Lift it up, now. That a boy.

That's good.

Come on.

Fine. Good.

Okay, we got it.

Let's go home.

Hey, that must be the
toy my uncle promised me.

Man, I hope it's a
machine g*n or a b*mb kit.

Oh, it's just a
stupid toy soldier.

You can't blow up
anything with a toy soldier.

Oh, I'm going to go play
badminton with a canary.

Now, just a minute, Wendell.

Look at this... Look
what it says here.

"This is a robot toy soldier
that walks and talks."

Let me see.

Come out of there
and say something.

(mechanical voice): My
name is Major Fun Fun.

Major Fun Fun?

Boy, am I going to
have a ball with you.

Thank goodness it's
not flesh and blood.

You can't hurt it too much.

I'm going to lock
myself up in my room.

Okay, Major Fun
Fun, do something.

♪♪

Boy, that's corny.

You know, I'm going to
find out how you work.

Oh, I can't see
anything in the head.

It's probably empty.

Boy, this plastic
is like real skin.

So's the nose.

Boy, this hair
doesn't look real.

But it's sure glued on tight.

Hey, I'll find out how you work.

I'm going to saw off your head.

Wendell, you're not going to
damage the furniture again!

Nah, I'm just going to take
Major Fun Fun's head off.

Oh, that's good. Play nice.

Taking your head off
should be very interesting.

Hey, what'd you do that for?

I just wanted to have
some fun with you.

Boy, taking your head
off should be quite a kick.

What's the big idea?

I obey orders.

Oh, you did that
because I said "kick."

Hey, you did it again!

I obey orders.

Say, you really do, don't you?

You know, I've always
wanted a friend like you.

And you'll make a good friend.

You know, before I had you,

I was always
getting into trouble.

But now I won't anymore.

Now do you know
what we're going to do?

We're going to have
a little target practice.

We're going to find out what
kind of a marksman you are.

We're gonna throw
eggs at Uncle Theodore.

Left face.

Forward, march.

Halt.

About face.

Fire at will.

Ah, that's a good
boy. Bulls-eye.

Cease fire.

Oh, that ought to take
care of Uncle Theodore.

Now I know what we can do.

Left face.

Forward, march.

Halt.

Now I want you to
pick up that vase,

and throw it at Aunt
Irma's china cabinet.

Oh, boy, she'll really be sore
once she's seen what you did.

Now, pick up the vase.

Pick it up!

Major Fun Fun have better idea.

What better idea?

Paddle brat's bottom.

Hey, stop! Stop!

(Wendell yelling)

Major Fun Fun
have lots of fun fun.

Oh, I'm gonna tell my
Uncle Theodore on you!

Phew!

Phew... phew!

Halt.

Mrs. Carmichael.

I'm sorry, Mr. Mooney.

But the robot got
broken, and I tried to fill in.

I'm sorry I spanked Wendell.

I'm not.

You're not?

I'm delighted.

You're delighted?

Delighted enough to give
Mr. Boscovitch the loan?

Hmm... maybe...
on one condition.

Oh, what's the condition?

Well, now that I've
found a babysitter

who can control Wendell,
I wouldn't want to lose her.

Oh, Mr. Mooney,
you don't mean...

Oh, yes, I do.

Oh, no.

You will keep that menace
subdued for the next eight days.

- Aw...
- About face.

Forward, march.

Hut, two, three, four.

Column right.

March! Hup, two, three, four.

Your left, two, three,
four. Your left, two...