04x25 - Lucy the g*n Moll

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Lucy Show". Aired: October 1, 1962 – March 11, 1968.*
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Widow Lucy Carmichael raises her children and shares her home with divorcee friend Vivien.
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04x25 - Lucy the g*n Moll

Post by bunniefuu »

ANNOUNCER:
Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

Mrs. Carmichael.

Yes, sir?

Why is this vending
machine circular on my desk?

Oh, because I thought it'd
be very nice if we had, uh,

an apple machine
outside, for the employees.

No.

We already have a cigarette
machine, a candy machine,

a coffee machine and
a soft drink dispenser.

This place is supposed to look
like a bank, not a penny arcade.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

But we could put
the apple dispenser

where the
customers can't see it.

Look, I've drawn a diagram.

See, now, here is
the employees' exit.

And here's the back entrance,

and the stairs that
lead to the vault.

Now, we can put it right
there against the back wall.

No.

There is enough goofing
off around here as it is.

This is a place of business.

We are here to work,
not to eat and drink.

So, get to work.

Yes, sir.

And get me a cup of coffee!

May I help you?

The teller says I have to
have this out-of-state check

okayed by one of
the bank's officers.

Oh, I see.

Mm-hmm.

Washington, DC.

Yes, sir.

Uh, do you have
any identification?

Right here.

Oh, a... a federal officer.

Well, the bank is very
happy to be of service, sir.

There you are.

Say, maybe I can
do the bank a service.

- Oh?
- There's a lot of counterfeit

half-dollars going around.

Counterfeit half-dollars.

Well, um, how do we spot them?

They look so much better
than the ones we're putting out.

Pardon me.

Thank you.

(chuckles)

Excuse me.

Haven't I met you
somewhere before?

(laughing): Oh, I
don't think so, no.

Are you sure?

Oh, I'm positive,

because I certainly
would've remembered you.

(laughs)

Lane, come in here.

What's up, Chief?

Look what I found.

Rusty Martin?!

Yeah, Rusty Martin.

Rusty Martin?!

How do you like that?

Big Nick gets out
of jail tomorrow

and already he's got
his girl working in a bank.

She must be setting
up another bank job.

Setting up a bank job?!

Would you mind telling
me what this is all about?

Would you mind telling us
what this is all about, Rusty?

I am not Rusty.

And what's that, Chief?

A diagram of the back
entrance of the bank

with an arrow
pointing to the stairs

that lead directly to the vault.

I just drew that so I
could show Mr. Mooney

where to put the apple machine.

Ah, come on, Rusty, you
can do better than that.

I am not Rusty, I am
Lucille Carmichael!

Mr. Mooney can
tell you all about me.

Well, he better have
the right answers

or you can be put
away for ten years.

Uh, tell them who
I am, Mr. Mooney.

Ten years.

Mr. Mooney, will you please

tell them that I'm
Lucille Carmichael?!

(rapturously): Ten lovely years.

Mr. Mooney!

(grunts)

Oh, uh, uh, she's
telling the truth.

She's Mrs. Carmichael.

LUCY: There, you see?

She may be Mrs. Carmichael
to you in the daytime,

but at night, when she
works at the Club Domino,

her real name is Rusty Martin.

Oh, no, I think you
must be mistaken.

I've known Mrs.
Carmichael for years.

I can vouch for her.

As a matter of fact, we were
neighbors back in Danfield.

That's right.

Are you sure this
isn't Rusty Martin,

a gangster's moll,
posing as a secretary?

Rusty Martin?

No.

Posing as a secretary?

Yes.

Well, I apologize, Mrs...

- Carmichael.
- Carmichael.

That's quite all right.

Anyone can make a mistake.

And lots of people
look like somebody else.

In fact, you know
who you look like?

Yeah, yeah, I know.

They kid me about it all the
time, down at headquarters.

Well, you sure
look exactly like him.

No, not exactly...
it's just that

they're wearing vests again.

Oh! (laughs)

Sorry about the
mistake, Mrs. Carmichael.

Well, that's quite all right.

Boy, she sure had me fooled.

I could've sworn you were Rusty.

(Lucy laughs nervously)

Say, wait a minute.

If she fooled us, do you
suppose she could fool Big Nick?

What are you getting at, Chief?

When Nick gets
out of jail tomorrow,

he'll head straight for
the club to see Rusty.

Now, what if, instead
of seeing Rusty,

he sees Mrs. Carmichael?

Me?!

Be doing us a great
favor, Mrs. Carmichael.

Well, how?

What do I have to do?

Your job will be to get Big
Nick to tell you where he hid

the money from the
bank job he got set up for.

How could I do that?

Bug Rusty's dressing room.

My men will be armed
and ready to crash in

as soon as he spills the beans.

Gentlemen, that
sounds dangerous.

Yes.

$ , reward.

But not too dangerous.

Mr. Mooney!

We'd sure appreciate your
cooperation, Mrs. Carmichael.

Will you do it?

Well, I...

$ , !

Oh...

Well, you think it
over, Mrs. Carmichael.

If you change your mind,
you can reach me here.

Okay.

"Rose Marie's Model Agency"?!

Wrong card.

WALTER WINCHELL:
Lucille Carmichael,

after giving the
matter some thought,


agreed to work
with the federal men.


WINCHELL: That
night, the federal officers


took Lucille Carmichael
to the Domino Club,


so she could observe and learn
to impersonate Rusty Martin.


♪ ...Da-Da-Da ♪

♪ So I want to
warn you, laddie ♪

♪ Though I know
you're perfectly swell ♪

♪ That my heart
belongs to Daddy ♪

♪ 'Cause my Daddy,
he treats it so well ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

(applause and whistling)

(song ends)

(sighs)

(knocking on door)

(Brooklyn accent):
You can't come in.

I'm not decent.

Okay, you can come in.

Hi, Rusty.

Who are you?

I work for the government.

Oh, you're from Washington, DC.

That's right.

What's a nice guy like you
doing in a place like that?

Suppose you let me
ask the questions.

Oh, you want to
ask some questions.

What questions?

About Big Nick.

Big Nick's been
in jail for ten years.

You never went to see him?

How could I?

They took away
his visiting privileges

for slugging another prisoner.

Oh?

Yeah, the other prisoner
called Nick a dirty number.

Nick ever write to you?

Ha!

Big Nick write!

He couldn't spell "cat" if
you spotted him the "C."

Suppose you know Nick's
getting out of jail tomorrow.

Certainly I know.

And after he gets out,
we're getting married.

Congratulations.

And how soon will
the nuptials take place?

There'll be no nuptials
till after the wedding.

Ten whole years, I
been looking forward

to being Mrs. Big Nick.

Well, you sure ought to
have a lavish honeymoon.

Yeah, imagine me having
my own honeymoon.

You know, Nick never did tell us
where he stashed that grand.

What grand?

You know what grand.

Isn't it true that you were in
San Francisco with Big Nick,

just before the bank job?

I refuse to answer

on the grounds it
might "incrimidate" me.

Weren't you with Big Nick
right after the bank job?

I refuse to answer

on the grounds it
might "incrimidate" me.

Okay, Rusty, I was
hoping you might cooperate,

but I guess you'll talk
better down at headquarters.

Aw, come on, relax, handsome.

Now, there's no reason
why we can't be friends.

After all, you're a
man and I'm a woman.

What do you mean by that?

I refuse to answer

on the grounds it
might "incrimidate" me.

How about a drink, handsome?

I happen to be on duty.

Oh, well, do you
mind if I have one?

Go ahead.

Ah, that some of
Nick's old private stock?

Are you kidding?

Big Nick's boys haven't
been bootlegging for years.

This is the real McCoy.

Huh.

(sighs)

Would you like me
to pour you one?

Like I told you, I never
drink when I'm on duty.

Well, I could fix
you a cup of tea.

No, thanks.

But I appreciate you
being so hospitable.

Well, that's just good manners.

After all, I think
everyone should try

to have a little class.

Rusty, if you care
anything at all about class,

why don't you stop
working at dumps like this

and getting mixed up
with guys like Big Nick?

Ha!

It's very easy for you
to look down your nose

at people like me.

You don't know what kind
of background I come from.

Our neighborhood was so bad,

they had to tear it
down to put up a slum.

You should have seen
what a tough g*ng of kids

I went to school with.

Our school had more
teachers drop out than pupils.

Yeah, it must be
quite a challenge

trying to overcome an
environment like that.

Yeah, yeah.

But at least I'm
always doing something

to try to improve myself.

Like what, Rusty?

Like my "ain't" box.

- Your "ain't" box?
- Yeah.

I put a quarter in here
every time I say "ain't,"

and I've only got
one quarter in there.

I've only said "ain't" once

in all the time that Big
Nick has been in jail.

Now, that's pretty
good for a girl

that didn't even finish
grammar school, ain't it?

Oh!

Oh, dear!

This one's on me, Rusty.

Oh, well, thank you.

That was very nice of you.

(chuckles) Gee, I guess...

I guess even a cop
has his good side.

Everyone has a good
side, Rusty... even Big Nick.

Oh?

You talk like you're
a friend of his.

The guy goes straight, I am.

Rusty, you can help Nick
get a clean start in life.

How?

By helping us find out where
he stashed that bank money.

Now, I couldn't do that.

Even if I knew and
I wanted to tell you,

think of what Big
Nick'd do to me.

I have a way you won't have
to tell or double-cross Nick,

if you'll just let me take you

into custody for
a couple of days.

I think I can get Nick to
spill the beans himself,

if you'll just cooperate.

Now, why would I want
to do a thing like that?

So you and Nick can
start your married life clean.

The way I see it, Rusty,
you got too much class

to be buying pablum
with stolen money.

Pablum?

Okay, I'll do it.

WINCHELL: That
night, Rusty Martin


voluntarily placed herself
in protective custody.


WINCHELL: The following night,

Lucille Carmichael
appeared at the Domino Club


masquerading as Big Nick's moll.

♪ While tearing off ♪

♪ A game of golf ♪

♪ I may make a
play for the caddy ♪

♪ But when I do ♪

♪ I won't follow through ♪

♪ 'Cause my heart belongs ♪

♪ To Daddy ♪

♪ If I invite ♪

♪ A boy some night ♪

♪ To dine on my
fine Finnan Haddie ♪

♪ I just adore ♪

♪ His askin' for more ♪

♪ But my heart
belongs to Daddy ♪

♪ Yeah, my heart belongs ♪

♪ To Daddy ♪

♪ So I simply couldn't be bad ♪

♪ Yeah, my heart belongs ♪

♪ To Daddy ♪

♪ Da-Da-Da, Da-Da-Da, Da-Da-Da ♪

♪ So I want to
warn you, laddie ♪

♪ Though I know
you're perfectly swell ♪

♪ That my heart belongs ♪

♪ To Daddy ♪

♪ 'Cause my Daddy,
he treats me so well ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

(applause and whistling)

(song ends)

(panting)

You were just great,
Mrs. Carmichael.

Everybody out there thought
you were Rusty Martin.

Oh, thank you.

I just hope Big Nick thinks so.

We'll soon find out...
I've got a tail on Big Nick,

and he's on his
way over right now.

Right now?

Oh, dear.

Oh, that Big Nick looked
like a real tough cookie.

Now, you've got
nothing to worry about.

I've got a tiny
transistor microphone

hidden inside this tea bag.

In this tea bag?!

Rented a room
right across the alley.

I'll be hearing everything
that goes on in this room.

Well, gee, I-I'm just worried
about Big Nick not knowing

the difference between
me and his own girlfriend.

Don't worry about
that... After all,

he's been away from his
girl for ten whole years.

Yeah, that's what
I'm worried about.

Just-just be subtle
and try to get Nick

to talk about where
he hid the money.

And remember, the
microphone is in the tea bag.

I'd feel a lot better if
you were in the tea bag.

Don't worry; as
long as I can hear

what's going on, you'll be safe.

- (pounding on door)
- I...

Uh...

(like Rusty): Who's there?

Open up, doll! It's Nick!

Um... oh, uh, just a minute!

- (pounding on door)
- BIG NICK: Doll!

- (pounding on door)
- Will you open up, doll?!

(pounding on door continues)

Okay, you can come in.

Hiya, baby!

What's the matter, doll?

You don't kiss like you used to.

Oh, uh... you've been
away so long, Nick,

I-I'm out of practice.

Well, let's do
something about that.

Let's make up for lost time.

Please... take it easy, Nick.

Ain't you glad to see me?

Sure, but give me a
chance to catch my breath.

You know how long it's been
since I been around a doll

- like you, baby?
- Yeah, ten years.

Aw!

You been counting the days, too!

Yeah.

Uh, Nick, how-how about
letting me fix you a drink?

Well, yeah, that's a great idea!

Okay.

- What'll you have?
- The usual.

The usual?

Yeah, the usual.

Uh, gee, Nick,

don't you have any imagination?

How can you go on drinking
the same thing day in, day out?

What day in, day out?

It's been ten years
since I had one.

Oh.

Well, I know, but
you can still get stale

drinking the same
thing every ten years.

Will you quit stalling
and make me a drink?

Uh... yeah, uh...

uh, look, Nick...

Nick, I-I don't want
you to get loaded

the first night that
we're back together.

Uh, look, I got
some tea bags here...

What say I make us
some tea? You sit down.

Doll!

What?

You learned how to cook!

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, well, after all, we're
plannin' on gettin' married.

Yeah!

You know what I learned
to do since I been away?

What?

Read.

You're kiddin'.

No. They let me work
with a doctor there,

and before I left, I could
read the whole eye chart!

Oh, well, that's
wonderful, Nick.

Yeah. Now I'll be able to help
our kids with their homework.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, look, Nick, now
that we're gettin' married,

don't you think that
maybe we ought to know

how much money we got

and how to make out a
budget and everything?

Yeah, it's gonna be pretty nice

starting out with
a hundred grand.

(Big Nick chuckles)

What did you say, Nick?

I said it's gonna be pretty nice

starting out with
a hundred grand.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, that sure
was smart of you, Nick,

the way those cops never found
out where the money was hidden.

Yeah.

We'll never have to
worry about money for

- the rest of our lives, baby.
- Yeah.

I still can't get over how
you never let the cops know

where the money was.

How could I tell them
where the money was

when I didn't even know myself?

You don't know yourself?

Eh, dumb cops!

They keep asking me
where the money is,

and I don't even
know... How about that?

Yeah, how about that?

You know, most guys
say never trust a dame,

but I couldn't have pulled
this off if it wasn't for you, doll.

Oh... (chuckles)

- Eh, let's make with the tea.
- Uh...

Ten years I been
waiting for this moment!

- What moment?
- This moment.

- Come on, doll, tell me.
- Tell you what?

Where'd you hide the money?

Where did I hide the money?

Yeah, where'd you
hide the money?

Oh, Nick, do you have to talk
business your first night back?

Why not?

Well, gee, if we're
gonna be married,

what kind of a
marriage will it be if,

every time you get out of jail,

you come home and talk business?

Gee, I didn't
mean nothin', doll.

And after we're married, I won't
come home from jail no more.

With a hundred
grand, I can go straight.

Oh, well, that's nice, Nick.

That's very nice.

Whatcha doin'?

Oh, I, uh, I-I'm just
trying to save the tea bag

so I can use it again.

Oh, forget it!

With a hundred grand, we can buy

- all the tea bags we want.
- Oh, Nick!

Nick, Nick, how long
will this money last

if you're, if you're gonna
keep throwing away

perfectly good tea bags?

Will you stop
fooling with that thing

and tell me where
you hid the money?

Oh, Nick, can't we talk about
it while we're having our tea?

Are you holding out on me?

No, Nick!

Then where'd you
hide the money?!

- Where?!
- Uh, I'm-I'm trying to remember.

- What kind of stall is this?
- It's no stall, Nick.

It's no stall.

Uh, did you ever
put something away

that you didn't want to lose,
and you put it away so good

that when you wanted
it, you couldn't find it?

Well, you better find it!

Or maybe you need help.

Uh, yeah, yeah,
that's right, Nick.

I need help.

Now, listen, right
after the bank job,

I gave you a list of five
of my favorite drops.

I told you to hide the money
in one of those five places.

Uh, I know, Nick, but that
was ten long years ago.

Which one of those
places did you use?

- Uh, eh...
- Which one?!

- The usual.
- The usual?!

The usual?

Rusty, you're a genius!

- I am?
- Yeah.

Why, those dumb cops would
never think to look for the money

right here under
their very noses.

Here it is, baby!

- Welcome home, Nick!
- BIG NICK: You!

I'll take that.

Nice work, Mrs. Carmichael.

Mrs. Carmichael?!

Hey, Rusty, you get married?

Rusty's downtown, Nick.

This lady works for us.

She just helped us set you up.

You mean you ain't Rusty?

No.

Well, no wonder
you felt so skinny.

Hey, what's the big idea?

You know, Nick, being in
possession of that stolen money

could send you up for
one more long stretch.

Aw, give me a break!

I did my ten years; you
got your money back.

And when I thought
she was Rusty,

all I did was talk about getting
married and going straight.

Didn't I, Skinny?

Well, uh, yes, he did
seem very sincere.

He was really,
uh, quite touching.

I-I, I do think that you
should give him a break.

I'd like to give
you a break, Nick,

but you'll never change.

I spent my whole
career bird-dogging you,

and the pattern's
always the same:

a series of crimes followed
by a series of arrests,

followed by a series
of jail sentences,

followed by a series of paroles.

Yeah, well, that's why I think
you ought to give him a break.

Why?

Because you two spent
so much time together

in the same series.

Gee, what a beautiful sentiment.

Yeah...

Yeah, I'm really touched.

Me, too.

(like Rusty): So, you see,
no one is really untouchable.
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