05x01 - Lucy with George Burns

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

Good morning.

Mr. Burns.

Please.

Sit down, sit down, Mr. Burns.

Now, then, what
can I do for you?

I stopped by to pick up
my dividend statement.

Ah, yes. Well, my
secretary has your file.

She'll be right back.

Fine.

Uh, do you... do you
smoke cigars, Mr. Mooney?

Yes, yes, I do. Yes.

May I have one?

Ah. Thank you.

Jack Benny always
pulls that on me.

(Mr. Mooney chuckles)

Very funny.

Well, you know how Jack is.

Some actors have
to be on all the time.

So I've heard.

Oh, that could be very annoying.

I could never be like that.

I think it's unprofessional.

I say, once an actor
walks off the stage,

he should leave his work
there, be like everybody else.

Oh. Very commendable.

I've learned to relax,

like Irving Berlin said in
that song many years ago.

- ♪ Lazy, I want to be lazy ♪
- MR. MOONEY: Oh...

♪ I want to just lay in the
sun with no work to be done ♪

- Yes, I remember that.
- ♪ Ooh, under that awning ♪

- ♪ They call the sky ♪
- It was a very pop...

♪ Stretching and yawning ♪

♪ And let the world
go drifting by ♪

- Yes, well, Mr. Burns...
- ♪ I want to peep ♪

♪ In the deep,
tangled wildwood ♪

♪ Counting sheep while I sleep ♪

♪ Like a child would ♪

♪ With a great big valise full ♪

♪ Of books to read
while it's peaceful ♪

♪ While I'm k*lling
time being lazy. ♪

Now, Mr. Mooney.

Maybe I can find
your file, Mr. Burns.

It should be here under the B's.

All right... Martin,
Miller, Munson, Murph...

Murphy? Under the B's?

Maybe we'd better
wait for my secretary.

I, uh, hope you
don't mind waiting.

Think nothing of it.

Now that I'm not
doing an act anymore,

all I've got is...

♪ Time on my hands,
you in my arms ♪

♪ Nothing but love in view ♪

♪ And if I fall ♪

♪ Once and for all ♪

♪ I'll see my dreams come true ♪

♪ Moments to spare ♪

- ♪ For someone you care for ♪
- (phone ringing)

Oh, uh, excuse
me, uh, Mr. Burns.

♪ One love... ♪

(stammering): Oh,
yes, oh... Hi, Mister...

Uh, muh, muh, what? (gibbering)

Oh, yeah, uh...
(gibbering)... we could...

♪ Time on my hands,
you in my arms... ♪

Ah, Mr. Mooney,
don't be embarrassed.

Nobody ever lets
me finish a song.

(laughs) Would you
care for another cigar?

Oh, no, no. Go right
on with your work.

I'll just sit here and
look at this stock report.

Oh. Yes.

My, I envy you, Mr. Burns.

How is that?

Well, being able to retire
in the prime of your life,

just sit back and...
to collect dividends.

Well, that-that might be
true about some people,

- but not about me.
- Oh?

It kills me not to
be doing an act.

Well, why did you stop working?

Well, I've always liked
to work with women.

I had a great act going
with Carol Channing,

and then she left me...
She went into Hello, Dolly!...

And then I did an act
with Dorothy Provine,

and-and-and she
went into television.

And Connie Stevens
went into pictures.

Well, why don't you find some
other girl to work with you?

Mr. Mooney, comediennes
are not that easy to find.

Got to find a girl with a...
kind of a pixie personality...

Eccentric, way out, a real kook.

A girl like that is
very, very hard to find.

Here are the
contracts, Mr. Mooney.

Well, it's about
time you got here.

I was trying to
find Mr. Burns' file.

Oh! Oh, m...!

George Burns!

How do you do?

Oh, you've been a
favorite of mine for years.

Well, thank you.

- Thank you.
- Oh.

Oh, I used to watch
you all the time on radio.

You watched me on radio?

I mean, I... I-I used to
listen to you on television.

Listened to me on television.

Yeah, that was the year
my picture tube went out.

You should have gone
back to watching me on radio.

(laughing)

Oh, you say the funniest things.

Mrs. Carmichael!

Yes, sir.

I've been trying to
find Mr. Burns' file.

It is not under the B's.

Oh, I must have
put it under the X's.

Why would you put
the B file under the X's?

Well, that poor little file
never has anything in it.

- No, it's not here.
- Well, where is it?!

Well, now, I don't
know. Wait a minute.

Uh... oh, I bet I
know what I did.

(chuckles) You see, Mr. Burns,

I always have trouble
remembering names,

so I took a course
in word association.

Now, "Burns"
reminds me of "fire."

So you filed it under the F's.

No, no, "fire"
reminds me of "stove."

So you put my
file under the S's?

No, "stove" reminds
me of "pot roast."

It's your turn.

You-you filed it under the P's?

No, "pot roast"
reminds me of "noodles."

Mrs. Carmichael,
you're making me angry.

She's making me hungry.

And "noodles" reminds
me of my mother.

It's your turn.

Noodles remind
you of your mother?

Yeah, she made the best noodles.

And I'll bet that's
where I put your file.

BURNS: Under "noodles."

No, under "gravy."

Mrs. Carmichael, I don't know
what I'm going to do with you.

I know what I'm
going to do with her.

Start a whole new career.

- Mrs. Carmichael.
- Yes, sir.

Have you ever thought
about going on the stage?

Oh! All my life.

How, uh...

how would you like
to do an act with me?

Oh, Mr. Burns,
you can't be serious.

I know it. That's why I want
to get back on the stage.

(laughing): Ah. Oh.

What do you say?

Oh, well, that's very
nice of you, Mr. Burns,

but I couldn't do that.

I... I couldn't
quit my job here.

Why not?

Because it wouldn't be
fair to you, Mr. Mooney.

You need me.

Good help is hard to find.

Well, I'd be delighted
to start looking.

Mrs. Carmichael, this
is a great opportunity

for you to make a lot of money.

Yes, I-I know, it does sound

- like a wonderful opportunity, but...
- Yes.

Oh, and you know, today,
my horoscope said that my...

my whole future was going
to take a turn for the better.

So did mine.

- Really? -Yeah.

Oh. Uh, how much would I make?

Well, it's-it's-it's...

it's unprofessional for
an artist to discuss money.

- Oh.
- That's usually handled by your agent

or someone who handles
your financial matters.

Oh! Oh, well, Mr. Mooney usually
handles all my financial things.

Yes, yes, and I'd be delighted
to represent you in this matter.

- Would you? -Yes, indeed.

For the customary %.

Ten percent is customary.

Oh, ten.

Oh, yeah, well...

Well, you see, I... I'm
new to show business.

Okay.

You two talk it over, and when
you decide on what you want,

you can get together
with my agent.

Fine. Fine.

Uh, here's my address.

Be at my apartment tonight,
and we can start rehearsing.

Your apartment?

It's nice and quiet there,
and nobody will bother us.

(anxious laugh)

Well, I, um...

I hardly know you, Mr. Burns,
and going to your apartment...

Uh, y-you in show
business and all...

Mrs. Carmichael,
you don't have to worry

about a man like Mr. Burns.

She does, too.

Well, I didn't mean that you
aren't a gentleman, Mr. Burns.

I just meant that...

Well, I meant... you're a man,

and if I go to your
apartment, people might talk.

What people?

There won't be any people there.

And when I talk, nobody
believes it anymore.

I'll see you tonight.

- Okay, Mr. Burns.
- Good-bye, Mrs. Carmichael.

- Well, thank you very much.
- Bye-bye, Mr. Mooney.

MR. MOONEY: Good-bye.

(knocking at door)

Good evening, Mr. Burns.

Good evening. Come on in.

Thank you.

Oh!

What a lovely apartment.

Well, I'm glad you like it.

Oh, it's so beautiful.

Are you ready to
try a little rehearsal?

Oh, yes. I can hardly wait to
find out what I do on the stage.

First, you've got to learn
how to get on the stage.

Oh. Yes, sir.

See, making... making an
entrance is very important.

- Oh. Uh-huh.
- Now, let's see.

Where are we? That'll
be the wings right there.

- Oh, uh-huh.
- Now, this'll be center stage.

- Yes, sir.
- Yeah. And...

Is that the audience out there?

- That's-that's... that's the audience.
- Okay.

Now, we're introduced
over the house mic.

- Oh, are we?
- "Ladies and gentlemen,

here they are... George
Burns and Lucy Carmichael."

(gasps, laughs)

And now the orchestra
plays our entrance music.

Oh, what... what is
our entrance music?

- "Some of These Days."
- Oh.

Now, let's make our entrance.

- Oh. From over here?
- Let's go into the wings.

Now, you walk
out just like I do.

- Yes. sir. Yes, sir.
- Okay.

Now, here they are,
ladies and gentlemen...

George Burns and
Lucy Carmichael.

Now there's music,
and I'm walking out,

and I'm bowing, and I get
to the center of the stage,

and when I get to the
center of the stage...

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

I'm sorry, Mr. Burns.

Uh, honey, you... you
walked out too fast.

Oh. (laughs)

Well, I guess I've waited
so long to go on stage

that I... I was
kind of in a hurry.

You, uh... you belong over here.

- Oh, over here.
- Over there.

- Oh.
- That's it.

- Now, we'll start.
- Yes.

Well, Lucy, say hello.

Hello.

No. Not to me; to the audience.

Oh.

Hello.

Don't look down at the audience.

The people in the
back can't see you.

Oh.

Uh, hello.

Now, I'll tell
you a little trick...

Especially when you're new
and you might be self-conscious.

You look out at the audience,
but you don't see them.

You sort of look past them.

- Oh.
- Well, now...

Well, Lucy, say hello.

Hello.

That was very good.

- Thank you.
- Do that again.

Hello.

What, um... what's that?

- What's that business?
- Oh.

(chuckles) A
little curtsy. Yeah.

I saw Ginger Rogers do that
on The Late Late Show last night.

Yeah, I-I-I saw her on the show.

She's my favorite...
My very favorite.

- Well, she's very good.
- Yeah.

Fred Astaire was
in the picture, too.

It was... it was a
wonderful picture.

You know, at the
beginning of it,

Fred was an
ambitious young dancer

playing in a show
in Muncie, Indiana.

- Muncie.
- You ever been in Muncie?

- I was closed there.
- Oh.

Well, Ginger Rogers is one of
the chorus girls in the picture,

and Fred's up there
dancing away, you know.

And Ginger's in back of him

kicking with the
girls, you know.

And she accidentally kicks Fred.

And the people laugh, and Fred
is very embarrassed, you know,

and then the girls
go off stage, and...

and-and Ginger starts
for her dressing room,

and Fred comes off stage,

grabs her and starts
bawling her out,

and that poor little thing
is on the verge of tears.

She's hurt?

- Not her; him.
- Oh, him.

It hurt where she kicked him.

Well, of course.

And he tells her
she's nothing but a...

a clumsy clown
with two left feet,

and he calls her
a... a no-talent nitwit,

and then she calls him a
swell-headed nincompoop.

Yeah, and that's
when they realize

that they really
love each other.

It always happens like that.

So, later that night, he
goes over to her apartment

to apologize for bawling
her out, you know.

- And he knocks on the door.
- (knock at door)

He knocks on the door.

(knock at door)

If that's Fred Astaire,
I'm giving up cigars.

Come in.

Oh, good evening, Mr. Burns.

Nice to see you.

Hope you don't
mind my dropping by.

No. I suppose you came
by to transact a deal.

Yes, yes, I did.

And to see how my
client is getting along.

Well, we've been
rehearsing a little bit.

Yeah. Mr. Burns is teaching
me how to say "hello."

- MR. MOONEY: Ah!
- Um...

Hello.

Oh, my, that's very good.

She'll be worth a
lot of money, this girl.

Well, I don't discuss money.

You'll have to talk to my agent.

Hello.

Uh, no-no more.

- Hello.
- S-Save it.

Save it till after
we've made a deal.

Oh.

- By the way, Mr. Mooney, - Yes?

I-I hope you don't think
I'm taking advantage of you.

How's that?

Well, show business
is new to you

and you'll be dealing with a man

who's had a lot of
experience in theatrical deals.

Well, what's the
difference? Money is money.

And, after all, a man
with my vast banking

and financial experience...
It may be that your agent

will be the one who
is at a disadvantage.

Oh, no, my agent is very
good at money matters.

- Oh?
- (phone ringing)

- Excuse me.
- Yes.

Hello.

WOMAN: Mr. Burns,
your agent's calling.

Good. Put him on.

AGENT (Jack Benny's voice):
Hello, George, this is Jack.

You called just in time.

Mrs. Carmichael's
agent is here right now.

Fine, let me talk to him.

Good.

Here he is. His name
is Mooney; Mr. Mooney.

- Here, Mr. Mooney, my agent.
- Yes.

What's his name?

Benny. Jack Benny.

Jack Benny is your agent?

Don't go.

We'll be fair to you.

BENNY: We will not.

I'll handle this.

You just get us
booked someplace.

BENNY: I got you a break-in date

for tomorrow night at
a club in Santa Monica.

We open tomorrow night
at a club in Santa Monica.

Oh, that's wonderful!

Great.

BENNY: The bookers from
Vegas will be in to see you,

and I... so I hope
the act's good.

Don't worry, she'll be fine.

BENNY: I mean you.

Good-bye.

ANNOUNCER: And
now, ladies and gentlemen,

George Burns and
Lucy Carmichael.

(applause)

(band plays light riff)

Lucy, say hello.

Hello.

Well, now that you're on the
stage, what are you going to do?

Oh, well, when I was in the
beauty parlor this afternoon,

I heard a wonderful joke.

Would you like to hear it?

It had everybody dying laughing.

We'd all like to hear it.

Oh.

Well, this one man

looked up and said
to the other man,

"Don't ask me, I
just got here myself."

(chuckles)

Is that, is that,
is that the joke?

Well, there was some stuff
ahead of it that I didn't hear,

but that's the line that
they were dying laughing at.

I, um, I wouldn't
tell that if I were you.

Too old?

Oh, yes, it's been kicked.

Oh.

Let's, uh, let's talk
about your brother.

Oh, which brother do
you want to talk about,

the one that's married
or the one that's in love?

The one that's in love.

- Oh.
- The-The tall one.

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, that's my brother Harry.

He's with the FBI.

Your brother's with the FBI?

Yeah, they picked
him up in Kansas City.

So the FBI picked him up?

Well, they had to; he
couldn't pick himself up.

Loaded again.

- Yeah. -Poor Harry.

Hasn't your family ever tried to
do something about his drinking?

Well, we sent him
to a psychiatrist,

and the psychiatrist worked
and worked to get to the bottom

of Harry's drinking, and finally
he found out Harry's problem.

What was it?

Harry likes to drink.

Well, we all have our reasons.

I think Harry drinks to forget.

- Forget what?
- That he's a kleptomaniac.

Oh, he's a kleptomaniac?

Harry was always going
into stores and taking things.

- So you know what my mother did?
- What?

Well, she took some adhesive

and she taped his hand
shut, all but this one finger.

Taped his hand shut,
all but that... Why?

Well, so he could play
marbles with my other brother.

You can't play
marbles with one finger.

Well, Mother did that
to even up the game.

You see, Harry didn't
have all of his fingers,

and my other brother...

BOTH: didn't have
all of his marbles.

That made the game even.

Yes, it did.

But when your mother
taped up Harry's hand

so that he had only one finger,
did this stop his shoplifting?

Well, it helped.

All he could steal
were doughnuts.

Harry likes doughnuts.

That's right.

It was a doughnut
that broke Harry's back.

A doughnut broke his back?

Yeah. You see, he had a
doughnut in his right-hand pocket,

and he tried to get it
out with his left hand.

- And broke his back.
- Yeah.

Well, the next time
he's got a doughnut

in his right-hand pocket,

tell him to try to take it
out with his right hand.

(chuckles) Well,
that's kind of hard

when you got your
pants on backwards.

He had his pants on backwards?

Yeah. You see, Harry had
a suit with two pair of pants,

and he put one
pair on frontwards

and one pair on backwards.

So that he could
walk either way.

That's when the truck hit him.

What truck?

The truck that didn't
have its lights on.

So why didn't the man in
the truck have his lights on?

Well, he didn't have
to, it was daytime.

Well, if it was daytime,

didn't the man in the truck
see your brother coming?

He didn't know
it was my brother.

No, he saw two pair of
pants coming toward him...

BOTH: and he drove
right between them.

Well, that's our music cue.

- (applause)
- In my key, please.

(piano playing)

♪ Two sweethearts
in a country town ♪

♪ The neighbors say ♪

♪ Lived happily
the whole day long ♪

♪ Until one day, told
her he must go away ♪

♪ She wanted to know
what could go wrong ♪

♪ He said, "You
know, it's true ♪

♪ "I love you best of all ♪

♪ And yet, it's best
that we should part" ♪

♪ Just as he went away, he
heard his sweetheart say ♪

Here's a pretty tempo,
Lucy. Play with it.

♪ Although it broke her heart ♪

♪ Some of these days ♪

♪ Yes, some of these days ♪

♪ You'll miss me, honey ♪

♪ You're gonna miss me, honey ♪

♪ Some of these days ♪

♪ Yes, one of these days ♪

♪ You'll feel so lonely ♪

♪ You'll be feeling
oh, so lonely ♪

♪ You'll miss my hugging ♪

♪ Used to love it when
I'd hug and squeeze you ♪

♪ You'll miss my kissing ♪

♪ You'd ask for more,
and I'd tease you ♪

♪ You'll miss me only ♪

♪ You'll want me only ♪

♪ When you go away ♪

♪ When you're a
million miles away ♪

♪ You'll feel so lonely ♪

♪ In the evening when
the sun goes down ♪

♪ Just for me only ♪

♪ I'll be on the
other side of town ♪

♪ For you know, honey ♪

♪ Oh, you know, baby ♪

♪ You've had your way ♪

♪ That you went
and had your way ♪

♪ And when you leave me ♪

♪ In the evening,
in the summer ♪

♪ I know it will grieve me ♪

♪ You can bet you're
gonna be full of sorrow ♪

♪ When you miss
your blue-eyed baby ♪

♪ Some of these days ♪

♪ Dee-dee, dee-da,
dee-dee-deet-diddly-da ♪

♪ Dee-dee, dee-dum,
dee-dee, dee-diddly-da ♪

♪ Dee-dee, dee-da,
dee-dee, dee-dee, dee-hah ♪

(scatting)

♪ Some of these,
yeah, these days ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

That's nice.

(scatting)

♪ Lonely ♪

♪ Just for me only ♪

♪ 'Cause you know, honey ♪

Hey!

♪ That you had your way ♪

♪ That you've had your way ♪

♪ And when you say good-bye ♪

♪ Ooh, wipe that
tear from your eye ♪

♪ You're gonna miss your baby ♪

♪ You're gonna miss
your red-haired mama ♪

♪ You're gonna miss
your blue-eyed baby ♪

♪ Some of these ♪

(scatting)

♪ Miss your blue-eyed baby ♪

♪ Some of these... ♪

(scatting)

(song ends)

(applause, whistling)

(knocking on door)

Come in.

Lucy, you were just great.

Thank you.

Everybody out front
is talking about you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Congratulations.

- Just marvelous.
- Mrs. Carmichael,

I couldn't be more proud of you.

Oh, Mr. Mooney, that's the
first time you ever kissed me.

Well, banking and show
business are different.

(both chuckle)

You know, this
girl is sensational.

- Yeah.
- And the men from Las Vegas

have offered
$ , for the act.

$ , ?

They'll go as high as
if you won't sing.

We'll take the ten.

Did you hear that, Lucy?
We're going to Vegas.

Oh, that's just wonderful!

You know, this is like what
happened to Ginger Rogers

in that picture last night.

The producer saw
her on the stage,

she got an offer to go to Vegas,

but she'd been with Fred so
long that she didn't want to...

Oh.

Oh, Mr. Burns, I can't go.

Why not?

Oh, because I can't
leave Mr. Mooney.

But I want you to go.

Oh, no, you don't.

You need me.

I don't need you.

I want you to leave.

Oh, Mr. Mooney, I
couldn't leave you

any more than Ginger
could leave Fred.

Not even when Fred
pretended to be mad

and said things that were
very nasty to make her mad.

Mrs. Carmichael, please
get it through your head,

I want you to go with Mr. Burns.

My life would be
happier without you.

Happier! Happier!

That's just what Fred said

because he didn't
want to stand in her way.

But Ginger knew
that Fred needed her,

just like you need
me, Mr. Mooney.

Now, now, now.

Sorry, Mr. Burns, but
it just wouldn't work.

I couldn't be funny out on a
stage, thinking about Mr. Mooney

back in the bank trying
to get along without me.

Mr. Mooney, you must
be a wonderful man.

How do you inspire such loyalty?

I don't know what I've
done to deserve this.

Well, I hope you're not
mad at me, Mr. Burns.

What for?

This is the story of my life.

But what about the
engagement at Las Vegas?

Well, now that I
don't have a girl,

I guess we'll have to
pass up the $ , .

Oh, I'm just awfully
sorry about it.

But, you know, Mr. Burns,
Mr. Mooney has...

What are you doing?

If you think I'm going to let
$ , go down the drain,

you are crazy.

♪ Some of these days ♪

♪ You're gonna miss me, honey ♪

♪ One of these days ♪

♪ You're gonna
feel so lonely... ♪