05x02 - Lucy and the Submarine

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

Battle stations!

(screams)

Well, a fine sailor you'd make.

Mr. Mooney!

Lieutenant Commander
Mooney, USNR.

You joined the Navy?

No, no.

But I've been in the
Reserve for years.

Oh!

Yes, I'm in this uniform
because I report for duty today.

You mean you're
leaving the bank?

Oh, don't get your hopes up.

No, I'm just going on a
two-week's training cruise.

Oh.

But I shall return.

Oh, good.

Mm-hmm. Meanwhile,
when I'm gone,

I want this office
kept shipshape.

- You understand that, sailor?!
- Yes, sir.

All right, then. Let's start

with a clean
sweep-down fore and aft!

How's that?

Pick up the letters!

Oh!

May I remind you
that you are using

my dress sword?!

Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir.

I'm sorry.

You know, Mr. Mooney,
you look very handsome

and very distinguished
in that uniform.

- So manly. -Thank you.

What a change.

Hmm?

(mouthing): I mean...

I know what you mean.

My wife said the same thing.

Well, you do look very m*llitary.

What did you get
that ribbon for?

Uh, that's the,
uh, victory medal.

Oh, you know, you're so modest.

You never even told
me you were in the w*r.

Mrs. Carmichael,
there are some things

a man doesn't
like to talk about.

Oh, I understand.

Don't you say another word.

But...

there were times when things
got pretty rough out there.

They sent us to do
a job, and we did it.

Fighting men and fighting ships!

Mm-hmm.

Ah, yes, I remember
once on the sub...

- On the sub?
- The submarine.

You were on a submarine?

Oh, yes, yes...

The, uh, SS... uh, uh, Porpoise.

Yes.

Once in the South Pacific, I
had the con on the dog watch.

Suddenly, my sharp eyes caught
a glimpse of the enemy fleet...

Did I panic?! No.

I sounded the alarm
for a crash dive.

I gave the order for periscope
depth and we closed for battle.

I zeroed in on an enemy ship.

"Fire one!"

I ordered calmly.

"Torpedo away!" came the answer.

A moment later, we
heard her hit home!

We surfaced!

I rushed to the bridge,
manned the machine g*n

and began f*ring at
the enemy aircraft.

(typewriter clattering)

Got him!

You got it?

Well! Boy!

Oh, are you going to command
the same ship this time?

Command?

Oh, uh, well, you
know how the Navy is.

Experience doesn't
really count for anything.

No, I'm just going to
be another fighting man

assigned to a dreary desk.

Oh, I'm sorry to
hear that Mr. Mooney.

That doesn't seem fair.

Well, that's the way it goes.

Well, I'd better get
things squared away

around here before I shove off.

Yes, Mr. Cheever called
and said to be sure and sign

the Wilson trust
papers before you go.

They're very important.

Oh, yes. Well, you get
them for me, please.

Yes, sir. They're
right here in this safe.

Good.

Mr. Mooney, couldn't
you apply for a transfer

to a fighting ship?

Well, uh, uh, that would
take too much time.

LUCY: Oh.

But, if they need me, I'm ready.

I'm gonna run that
desk like a taut ship.

There'll be no
goldbricking in my office!

When I give an order, those
sailors are going to hop to it!

And stand at attention

when you're being
addressed by a superior officer!

Yes, sir!

All right, now get those papers!

- Yes, sir. -Fast!

There they are, sir.

- Mrs. Carmichael?
- Yes, sir.

Where you raised in a barn?

No, sir, I was raised
in Jamestown...

Then close that safe!

Oh, yes, sir.

You bent my sword.

I'm terribly sorry.

I'll fix it. Here.

Never mind!

You've done enough
damage already!

I can straighten it out
for you, Mr. Mooney.

- Morning, Ted.
- Oh, hello, Bill.

BILL: You ready to go?

Well, just about. Yes, sir.

Just ab... Oh, this is my
secretary, Mrs. Carmichael.

Mrs. Carmichael,
Commander Moore.

- How do you do, sir?
- How do you do, Mrs. Carmichael?

I just stopped by to take
Ted down to the base.

Oh, how nice.

Did you get assigned
to a dreary desk job, too?

No, not exactly.

Mrs. Carmichael, he is the
commander of a submarine.

Oh, wonderful, wonderful.

Don't you think it's
terrible what they did

to Mr. Mooney after all
of his years of experience?

What's this?

Ne-ne-never mind,
Mrs. Carmichael.

Now don't be modest.

Didn't he tell you what he
did on his ship during the w*r?

Ship?

I thought you were the
housing officer in Wichita.

Well, uh, yes,
uh... for a while.

Just outside of
Wichita. (stammers)

But he was also a real
fighting man on a fighting ship!

- On a submarine.
- (groans)

You never told
me any of this, Ted.

I know! I know I didn't.

Commander, there
are certain things

that a man doesn't
like to talk about.

Well, a man with your experience

shouldn't be tied
down to a desk.

That's what I say.

You keep out of this.

I-I may be able to
pull some strings

and get you down
in my submarine.

Down in a...? Oh!

Well, now, I wouldn't want
to put you to any trouble.

I... Well, I mean to say, uh,

they may be shorthanded
down at the housing office.

They may need me.

Oh, nonsense.

Any oddball can handle that job.

That's right, Mr. Mooney.

Let them get another
oddball for that job.

You deserve to be
on active service.

Now you go with the commander

and do what's best for
the United States Navy.

I'll take care of
everything here.

You already have.

Thank you. Thank you.

Well, Ted, let's shove off

and get some water
over our heads.

Bye, Mrs. Carmichael.

Bye, Commander.
Nice knowing you.

- Thank you.
- Good luck, sir.

Good-bye, Mr. Mooney.

I'll see you when I get back.

If I get back.

(phone rings)

Mr. Mooney's office.

Oh, yes, Mr. Cheever.

No, sir.

He's just left, sir.

The Wilson pa...
The Wilson papers?

Uh, oh, yes.

Uh, yes, yes, sir,

I know how
important they are, sir.

Yes, sir. You'll have
them right away, sir.

Yes, sir.

He forgot to sign the papers!

I put 'em in here.

What's that combination?

... to the right...

SENTRY: Okay... Okay...

Halt!

Sorry, ma'am, nobody's allowed
on the base without a pass.

But my boss is in there

and I have some very important
papers that he has to sign.

Sorry, ma'am.

But if I don't get these
papers to my boss,

I'll be in a lot of trouble.

I may even get fired.

Look, lady, if I let you in,

I may be fired...
by a f*ring squad.

- Jones, William. -Okay.

Mister, please.

Look, I'm not a spy.

Cross my heart.

If I was a spy, I'd have
on some sort of a disguise.

Maybe even dye my hair.

I mean a real crazy color.

Now, look, I've just gotta
get these papers signed.

I'll only be in there for
a few minutes, Captain.

Seaman, ma'am.

And not without a pass.

- Anthony, Larry.
- Okay.

- Rush, Jerry. -Okay.

- James, Chuck.
- Okay.

- Hokinut, Gerald.
- Okay.

- Lamby, Alex. -Okay.

(deep voice): Club, Auto.

Okay.

Club, Auto.

Auto Club?!

Atten-hut!

As you were.

Well, Bill, that was
mighty fine chow.

Thank you.

However, I hope your boat is
in better shape than your coffee.

(laughs) Thank
you. I hope so, sir.

Oh, may I present my executive
officer, Commander Mooney.

Oh, how do you do, Commander?

Mooney hasn't been
aboard the sub in some time.

Really? Part of the
mothball Navy, huh?

Well, Commander, you should
have been at luncheon with us.

We had some fried oysters...

We had some, uh, pork chops...

some banana cream pie.

But I imagine you're very
anxious to get underway.

Aren't we underway yet?

Well, I hope not.

I have to get off first.

BILL: Yes. (chuckles)

Well, let's get on
with the inspection.

Yes, sir. Mooney...

- Yes, sir.
- Prepare to get underway.

Ye... Me?!

Uh, do you want
me... Uh, ye-ye-yes, sir.

Aye, aye, uh, sir.

Well, you heard
what the man said.

Prepare to get underway.

Uh, uh, do the...

Oh, Mrs. Carmichael,
I owe this all to you.

I hope I never see you again.

Well, I-I didn't mean it
quite like that; I mean...

Mr. Mooney.

What are you doing here?

You forgot to sign the
Wilson trust papers.

I did... that's right. Yeah!

Yes. Mr. Cheever was very upset.

- Have you got a pen?
- Yes, I have.

Come on. I'm fine.

All right. That's good.

- Mooney...
- My, he was so upset...

- There, there... it's all there.
- I gotta get them right back.

What?! What are you
doing in that uniform?

I borrowed it to get
through the gate.

If they catch you,
they'll sh**t you!

Oh, all right, I'll just tell
them I'm your secretary

and you invited me aboard.

Oh, in that
uniform... That's fine,

then they'll sh**t both of us.

Get out of here! Now!

Hurry up! Come on! Go, go, go!

- Mr. Mooney...
- Oh... what?

- Bon voyage.
- Get out of here!

BILL: Atten-hut!

ADMIRAL: As you were.

Now, Bill...

I'm expecting a bigger
showing from you this time.

Yes, sir.

Now, this is a very
important training maneuver.

Yes, sir.

Anybody on this pig
boat expects a promotion

in the next ten years,
they'd better snap to.

- Yes, sir. Mooney!
- MOONEY: Yes?

Heard that? Snap to!

- Yes, sir.
- All right, men!

Snap to!

You, sailor... that means you!

- Snap to!
- MR. MOONEY: Sir!

Snap to, sailor! Get
busy, get busy, get busy!

(alarms ringing,
clanging, whooping)

Secure from General Quarters.

This is the admiral!

Secure from General Quarters!

(alarms stop)

This is the admiral!

Secure from General Quarters!

Up scope.

Oh...

I'm going to keep
my eye on this fish.

But Ad-Admiral, I
can explain everything!

See, there was a malfunction
and (stammering)... oh.

All right, Mooney.

Well, you heard
what the admiral said.

He's going to be up there on his
barge watching this whole show.

And he's got eyes like a hawk.

Yeah, but Commander...

I don't want any
excuses! I want results!

Aye, aye, sir. Yes, sir.

Oh, this is all your fault.

Well, I didn't mean...

I don't want excuses,
I want results!

Yes, sir.

Now, get out of here!

Get out! Get out! Hurry up!

(groaning, muttering)

Whew! Whew!

(Mr. Mooney groans)

I can't get it open.

(mocking Lucy):
I can't get it open.

Well, I'll open it!!

I've got to get you off
here before we shove off!

Yes, sir.

Heaven's sake!

I think we already shoved off.

Now I've got to
hide you somewhere.

If they find you,
I will be sh*t...

sh*t?!

For smuggling a woman aboard!

Oh, for heaven's sakes.

Yes, I'll be... not only sh*t
but I'll lose my pension.

Oh, where will I hide?

I don't... Oh, here! In here!

Come through here,
come on. Now hurry up.

Ouch! Watch your feet.

What?! Oh!

And your head.

(groans)

- Where'll I hide in here?
- Well, I don't know.

MAN (on intercom):
Commander Mooney,

report to the chart room.

- Chart room?
- Where's that?

I don't know where it is.

Here! Over here, look!

Wonderful place to
hide. Right in there.

- In there?
- Yes, come on. Get in there.

- Grab something.
- You sure?

Yes, that'll be fine.

That's good. Get in there.

That's fine. Good.

You won't forget me, will you?

Well, of course not.

LUCY: Mr. Mooney!

Now what?

What is this I'm hiding
in, a garbage chute?

No, it's just a torpedo tube.

- Torpedo tube!
- What?

Get me out of here!
Get me out of here!

Well, now what...?

Please! Hah! Please!

For heaven's... be quiet...
Now, look, get over here!

Get in the bunk, and
pretend you're a sailor!

Is that a torpedo?

Yes, but don't pay any
attention to it... come on.

What do you mean
don't pay any attention...

Don't...

Get in there, please. Be quiet.

That's it. Get in there!

- Now, you stay.
- I don't like it in here.

Shh!

We having trouble, sir?

Oh, uh, no, no.

Just one of our new men's
a little shy of the torpedoes.

Oh... don't worry
about a thing, mate.

Them are practice torpedoes.

They ain't even loaded.

(loud smack)

MAN (on intercom):
Commander Mooney,

report to the chart
room on the double.

Er, uh... Aye, aye, uh, sir.

Yes, uh... you, uh,

you be quiet and
remain right there, sailor.

Well, I'm going to get
me some sack time

while the getting is good.

Yes, sir, don't get a chance to
get much sack time around here.

I'll tell you one thing, pally,

I sure can't wait
till we get a leave.

That's the one thing I
need, is a nice long leave.

I met a blondie the other
night that is really gorgeous.

What do you think?

(wolf whistles)

That's right.

Stay in touch with me, pal,
because the next time I see her,

I'll ask her if she's got a
good-looking chick for you.

Would you like a date like that?

(wolf whistles)

Oh, boy.

Talking about
good-looking chicks,

you should have seen
the redhead I spotted

down at the gate this morning.

A real sharp chick,
big blue eyes,

nice little nose,
nice long legs...

Boy, a swinging chick.

Hey, how would you like a
date with something like that?

(wolf whistles)

That's exactly the way I feel.

Hey, you know something?

(whistles quietly)

I like you.

You and I are gonna
get along just great.

You're my kind of guy.

You know what
you're talking about.

I found a way... oh!

Oh, sailor! Report
to the radar officer.

- Me, sir?
- Yeah.

I'm the cook!

Well, he's hungry!

Come on! On the
double! On the double!

On you go. Go on. That's right.

Now take your gear
and get out of here.

- Yes sir.
- That's it. Hurry up...

- Hurry up, he's very hungry...
- Aye, aye, sir.

Go, go... that's it.
Go, go, go... that's fine.

I found a great place
for you to hide. Come on.

- Where?
- Never mind.

We'll just hurry before they
take her down. Come on.

- Take her down?
- Yes, we're going to dive.

Dive! Dive?

Yes, well, now,
don't get panicked.

- I'm sca... I'm scared.
- There's nothing to panic about.

- Don't be afraid!
- I don't want to dive!

- (Klaxon sounding)
- MAN (on intercom): Dive!

- Dive?!
- MAN: Dive!

(Klaxon sounding)

Come right to zero seven three.

Right... zero seven three.

Remember, Mooney,
the admiral's going to be

up there on his barge
watching this whole show.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

All right, snap to it, you men!

Snap, uh, to it.

Look alive! Uh... there...

What are you doing here?

- I'm hungry.
- Hungry!

- It's my lunch time.
- I...

COMMANDER: Mooney! Have you
checked the forward compartment?

Aye, aye, sir.

- Everything secure?
- Aye, sir.

- All right. Keep your men busy.
- Aye, aye, sir.

And that means you, sailor.

You keep busy,
sailor. Do something!

Do something! Do something!

Not that! Not that.

- What'll I do?
- What'll... Here.

Take this.

Pretend you know how to use it.

MAN (over intercom):
Sonar contact,

bearing two three
eight relative!

You know, Mooney.

This is the most important
torpedo exercise of the year.

- We've got to make a good showing.
- Yes sir.

MAN (on intercom):
Sonar contact,

bearing zero nine
seven relative.

Going pretty fast.
Must be a destroyer.

Oh, yes.

Right... Two destroyers
on the port beam.

Range: , yards.

SAILOR: Range , yards.

Bearing two two four.

SAILOR: Bearing two two four.

Destroyers closing.

There it is, Mooney!

- Our target ship!
- (Mr. Mooney gasps)

BILL: This is what
we've been waiting for.

- What are you doing there?
- Mopping, sir.

Well, get mopping.

This is a torpedo exercise.

We're about to fire one.

Fire one?

SAILOR: Fire one!

(torpedo fires)

MAN (on intercom):
Number one away!

(over intercom, torpedo
burbles through water)

(burbling fades)

We fired one.

(expl*si*n)

We hit something.

The admiral's barge!

Prepare to surface.

All ballast tanks.

Stop all engines.

Atten-hut!

Commander Moore.

Yes, sir.

Who gave the order
to fire that torpedo?

Well, sir...

I did, sir.

Good show.

BILL: What's that?!

Your crew is more on
the ball than I thought, sir.

- It is?
- It certainly is.

Of all the members of the
fleet, your boat was the only one

who saw that I was not flying
the proper recognition signals,

and you took action.

Kind of drastic action,
but action nevertheless.

I'm going to see
that you get a citation,

and extra liberty for all hands.

Well, let's hear
it for the admiral!

Hip, hip...

MEN: Hooray!

Hooray!

Hip, hip...

- MEN: Hooray!
- Hooray!

MR. MOONEY: Hip, hip...

ALL: Hooray!

LUCY: Hooray!

Hip...

hip... hooray.

Hip, hip, hooray.