05x03 - Lucy the Bean Queen

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

Yes, I picked it all out
yesterday, Mary Jane,

the most beautiful furniture
you've ever seen in your life.

Yes, it's expensive... $ , ...

But I can pay it
off in three years.

(chuckles) Yeah, I got
the contract right here.

Well, all I have to do is get
Mr. Mooney to cosign it for me.

Oh, come on, now.

He can take it out of my salary,

and that way I'll
be sure of my job.

(laughs)

Yeah, he'll never fire me
as long as I owe him money.

(laughs)

Yeah.

Oh, uh... (stutters)

Yes, Mr. Mooney's
a wonderful man

when you get to know him.

Kind and generous to a fault.

Oh, sure, he's a little
gruff now and then,

but that's just a front.

Underneath that rough exterior

- beats a heart of gold.
- A heart of gold.

Oh.

Oh, I'll have to call you
back, dear. (chuckles)

You can skip the eulogy.

I'm not gone yet.

Eulogy?

Oh, what a terrible thought.

Don't even say such a thing.

Why, I don't know what I'd
do around here without you.

You'd goof off all day
long, that's what you'd do.

Oh, now, I was just
telling Mary Jane that,

in spite of our little
misunderstandings now and then,

you're, uh, really the
best friend that I have.

Mrs. Carmichael, if I'm
the best friend you have,

you're destitute.

(chuckles): Aw...

And whatever it is you're
f*ring up your boilers for,

the answer is no.

Oh, I was just hoping that
you'd do me one little favor.

Do me one little favor and
get those letters if they're ready.

Yes, sir. They're ready.

Oh.

And there's not one single
mistake in them, either.

Well, I'll have to take
your word for that.

You mean, this time, uh,

you're going to sign them
without reading them first?

Yes.

Well, gee... (chuckles)

that makes me feel
very good, Mr. Mooney.

Th-That, uh, that proves that
you have confidence in my work.

No, it simply proves
that I'm in a hurry.

Let me have them.

- Let me have them.
- Yes, sir.

Everything's right here.

- Everything.
- Fine.

Now, all you have to
do is just sign them,

at the bottom, sir.

I know where to sign a letter.

What's this? What's this?

- What...
- What's what?

A contract with the Royal
Furniture Company for $ , ?

Oh, oh, that's not
for you, Mr. Mooney.

That's mine.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Yours? $ , ? What...

Uh, well, yes.

I-I'm buying some new
furniture for my apartment.

That, um, really was

what I wanted to talk to
you about, Mr. Mooney.

You see, uh, I need a cosigner

- and I thought maybe you...
- Me?!

Cosign?!

Well, it's just a formality.

I wouldn't cosign a
$ , note for my mother!

And I like her.

Here, have that
notarized, please.

Yes, sir.

Well, uh, Mr. Mooney,

couldn't I just talk about my...

Wouldn't you just talk
about my new furniture?

One more word about
your new furniture,

and I'll be talking
about a new secretary!

Out, out. Open the
door first and get out!

(sighs)

Colonel Bailey here!

- Colonel Bailey.
- (laughs)

Good to see you.

How do you feel?

I couldn't feel better if I was

a sprig of mint swimming
in a tall, frosty julep.

(laughs)

How's the banking business?

Have you robbed any
widows and orphans today?

That's a joke, son!

Oh, yeah, yes.

We bankers love that joke.

But enough of this levity.

Let's get down to business,

talk about the money
you're going to make.

Oh, yes, let's do that.

I don't mind telling
you, Colonel,

I am happy to invest in any
project of yours at any time.

Due, no doubt, to the fact
that your little investment

in my pickle business has
earned approximately % to date.

Ah, yes, that was
a good investment.

Well, pickles were a natural

for a couple of old
sour pusses like us.

That's another joke, son!

(groans)

Colonel, uh, let's discuss
our new, uh, project.

Now, what is it?

Beans, Theodore, beans.

Bailey's Barbecued Beans!

- Beans?
- Beans.

And I'm launching them
today with the same campaign

that made Bailey's
Pickles an instant success.

The money-back guarantee.

Go on, go on. Yes, yes, yes.

This poster is going up today
in every grocery store in town.

"Bailey's Barbecued Beans.

The best beans you ever ate
or double your money back."

Sounds like another winner.

My beans may change the
name of Boston to "Bailey."

I hope they change the
name of Mooney to "Money."

That's kind of a
little... Oh, well.

I have a check for
$ , right here.

A wise investment.

I have just okayed radio
and TV singing commercials

for our new product.

Oh, I like the way
you do things, Colonel.

So do I.

♪ Bailey's Beans,
Bailey's Beans ♪

♪ Priced for folks
of every means ♪

♪ Fix a pot, cold or hot ♪

♪ Good old Bailey's Beans ♪

♪ Don't delay, go today ♪

♪ To your nearest store ♪

♪ Hurry up, hurry
up, hurry up, whoa ♪

♪ Buy Bailey's Beans. ♪

See you later, partner.

(humming)

♪ Bailey's Beans,
Bailey's Beans ♪

♪ May make me a man of means ♪

(humming)

- There you are, sir.
- Thank you.

Uh, Mr. Mooney,
I was just thinking.

If you won't cosign to
finance my new furniture,

would you please authorize a
$ , loan on my old furniture?

Ah, now you're
talking about collateral.

I am?

And that's different.

- That's different.
- Oh.

All right, now, how much
did your old furniture cost?

- $ .
- $ .

And I still owe the
finance company $ .

- Mrs. Carmichael.
- Yes, sir?

You expect me to
authorize a loan of $ ,

on furniture that cost $ ,
on which you still owe $ ?

Well, certainly.
and equals , .

Only an idiot would give a
loan under those conditions.

Well, I don't know
any other idiots.

You're the only one I know.

What?!

- I mean...
- Never mind what you mean!

Get to work, get to
work, get back to work!

Yes, sir.

Ha!

If that isn't a
ridiculous statement.

What ridiculous statement?

That ad.

"Best beans you ever ate."

They certainly aren't
the best beans I ever ate,

I can tell you that.

Don't bother telling me, because
I'm busy doing other things...

Best beans I ever
ate my mother baked.

Oh, boy, she baked the
best beans in the whole world.

Everybody said so.

I could eat those
beans three times a day.

Mrs. Carmichael.

Yes, sir.

Would you like to continue
to eat three times a day?

Sure.

Then get to work!

I want those letters out
of here before you leave.

Yes, sir.

- What's this?!
- What's what?

Six cents postage?!

It only costs five
cents to send a letter.

Oh.

Oh, well, I ran out
of five-cent stamps,

so I put two threes on it.

It's okay, because...

It is never okay to waste money.

Oh, it's only a penny.

"Only a penny."

Oh, tut, tut, tut, tut, tut.

If you would just learn
the value of a penny,

you wouldn't have to borrow
money for new furniture.

How much furniture
can I buy for a penny?

Just listen.

If you put one penny
in the bank today,

two pennies the next day,
then four the following day,

and keep doubling
the amount each day,

you would have enough money
to buy your furniture in days.

You're kidding!

You mean, if I doubled a
penny times, I'd have $ , ?

You would have more than $ , .

Now, you just think about that.

(door opens and closes)

That's the last piece.
Thank you, gentlemen.

This is very nice of you,

donating your
furniture to charity.

Oh, that's all right.

I'm very happy to do it.

I'm just sorry that my
furniture isn't in better condition.

Oh, that's all right.

Our charity is donating
it to another charity.

Oh.

Hi, Mary Jane.

Hi.

Hey, I don't understand.

I thought Mr. Mooney wouldn't
cosign for your new furniture.

I don't need
Mr. Mooney to cosign.

Well, how can you
afford new furniture?

This is how.

Look at this sign.

Isn't that the most
ridiculous claim

you ever saw in your whole life?

"The best beans you ever ate."

Yeah. Now, that might be true
for some people, but not for me,

because the best
beans I ever ate

are the beans that
my mother baked.

And anyone that puts
out a phony ad like that

deserves to furnish
my apartment for me.

Oh, Lucy, nobody's going
to furnish your apartment

just because your
mother bakes better beans.

Ah, that's where you're wrong.

Now, look, I have
the most fantastic idea

you ever heard of.

And it's so simple,
it scares me.

All your ideas scare me.

Don't worry about this one.

I got this idea from Mr. Mooney.

- Mr. Mooney?
- Yeah.

Now, look, all we have to do

is buy one can of
beans for cents.

Take it back, and
we get cents.

cents?

That's right.

"Double your money back."

Oh!

Yeah. And then
we take the cents

and buy two cans, bring
them back and we get a dollar.

Then we buy four cans

- and we get two dollars back.
- Yeah, yeah.

Eight cans and get four dollars.

cans, we get eight dollars.

Wait a minute,
Lucy. Don't you think

the man at the store is
going to get suspicious

if we keep bringing back
more and more cans of beans?

Oh, we don't go
to just one store.

I got it all figured out, now.

Look at this.

Look at this map.

Yeah?

See all those pinheads there?

Yeah.

Well, all those pinheads
are marking the stores

in this whole location.

Well, what are these
two pinheads down here?

Those two pinheads are us.

Come on, let's go.
Operation Bean.

You know, this is
our fourth market,

and so far it's
working like a charm.

It sure is. It seems
like Christmas.

Yeah, and here's
our Santa Claus.

Oh, uh, pardon me, sir,
are you the manager?

Yes, ma'am.

Something I can
do for you ladies?

Uh, yes, I bought these beans

and I'd like to
return them, please.

Return them? Eight cans?

That's right.

Double my money
back, like the sign says.

Oh, but you could have...
you could have found out

if you liked them
or not in one can.

How come you bought eight?

Look, Mister, I don't tell you

how to run your grocery store...

Don't you tell me how
to furnish my apartment.

Tell me one thing, lady,

if you didn't like these beans,
why did you buy so many?

The price was right.

I don't understand it.

I just don't understand it.

Addison, you're the
sales manager here.

Explain what's going on.

Yes, somebody
had better explain it.

We've been shipping beans
into that area for three weeks now,

but the chart goes up
and down, up and down.

It looks like a
ride at Disneyland.

That's very funny, sir.

I don't think it's funny!

I don't think it's funny either!

My reports show we've sold

, cans of
beans in that area.

Uh, that's right.

But our income is minus $ .

Minus?! How did that happen?

Yes, how did that happen?

I, I don't know, sir, but
we'll certainly find out.

You bet you'll find out.

I put $ , in this
bogus bean business.

I expect to make money,
not be drowned in red ink.

Oh, now, patience,
Theodore, patience.

These things take time.

Rome wasn't built
in a day, you know.

We're not in the
construction business.

We're in the bean business.

Don't worry, Mr. Mooney,
we'll get to the bottom of this.

You're already
at the bottom of it!

Now, Theodore, ain't gonna
do no good you standing there

cackling like a hen
laying a square egg.

MAN: Colonel Bailey.

- Yes? Yes!
- Colonel Bailey.

Colonel Bailey, this is
Perkins in the sales department.

The West Side reports
that , cans of beans

- have been sold just today.
- , !

Yes, sir, and in one area.

This is the breakthrough
I've been waiting for.

Well, Theodore, what do
you think of our methods now?

Well, I...

♪ Bailey's Beans,
Bailey's Beans ♪

♪ Priced for folks
of every means ♪

♪ Cold or hot, get a pot of
good old Bailey's Beans. ♪

♪ Bailey's Beans, Bailey's
Beans, da-da-da-da-da-da-da. ♪

Oh, Mary Jane, I think
I have just cornered

the entire bean market.

I think the bean
market just cornered me.

- Oh, sorry about that, chief.
- Chief?

- Okay, out this way.
- Get me out of here.

- There you are.
- Ooh.

- Are you out?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Oh!

(sighs)

Oh, Lucy, is that the last load?

Yeah, , cans of beans.
English translation, $ , .

- Isn't that great?
- Oh, it's great, but I'm pooped.

Yeah, let's sit down
and relax a while.

Relax? Where?

Well, that's a good question.

Well, let's see now.

I think our warehouse
needs a woman's touch.

It's easy to relax
when you know how.

Go ahead, Mary Jane,
make yourself at home.

Oh, thanks, I think I will.

(grunts)

Oh, good thinking.

Uh-oh.

What's the matter?

- Forgot the foot stool.
- Oh.

That's a good idea.

(sighs)

Oh, this is great.

Say, you know, Lucy,
you never did tell me

what style your new
furniture is going to be.

Oh, a little bit of everything.

Contemporary, you know.

Although I must say I
kind of like this decor,

early pork and beans.

Well, I sure got
to hand it to you,

this is the greatest idea
anybody ever pulled off.

You know what I'm dying to see?

What?

The look on Mr. Mooney's face

when he finds out that
I have my new furniture

and I tell him
how I paid for it.

(chuckles) Boy, will
he be proud of me.

Oh, yeah.

And he'll be so happy
when he finds out

that I got the whole
idea from him,

for this, this whole scheme.

Yeah, but you know,
Lucy, I'm kind of worried.

About what?

Well, about all these beans.

How are we going
to take them back?

We've already hit
every store in the area.

Well now, we're not going
to hit any more stores.

We're going to zero
in on the factory.

- The factory?
- That's right.

How are we gonna get
all this stuff to the factory?

Don't you worry about a
thing. I got everything arranged.

I called a friend of
mine, Frank Winslow.

You remember him.

He worked for the
construction company.

- Is it the big fella?
- Yeah, the big one, yeah.

Well, I called him and
he promised to help me

and he never lets me down.

(phone ringing)

There's good old,
reliable Frank now.

♪ Oh, Bailey's Beans,
Bailey's Beans ♪

♪ Ya-da-da-da-da-da-da. ♪

Hello.

Yeah, hi, Frank.

You mean I can have it today?

Oh, thank you.
You're a pussycat.

Bye.

All set, that quick?

Yeah. Frank never
asks any questions.

Why not?

Well, he says my answers
make him too nervous.

Come on, we've got to get
all this stuff ready for loading.

Okay...

Yes, sir.

I'll take care of
that right away, sir.

Mr. Bailey?

Colonel Bailey.

(with Southern accent):
Oh, Colonel Bailey.

Colonel Beauregard Bailey.

Colonel Beauregard
Bailey, well, I do declare.

What can I do for
you, young lady?

Well, now I really hate to
bother a busy man like you,

but well, sir, you see I bought
some of your barbecued beans.

Yes, everybody seems
to be buying them.

Aren't they sensational?

Well now, I don't want
to hurt your feelings, sir,

but I can't honestly say

that they're the
world's greatest beans,

and I'd like to return them.

What?! Why, I
don't understand it.

I know this business,
and I know we put out

the best beans anyone ever ate.

Well, I'm sure that
you're very sincere, sir,

but you've never tasted
my mama's beans,

a-and they're the
best I ever ate.

Well now, we're not trying
to put mamas out of business.

(laughing)

But you could have gotten your
money back at the grocery store.

Why'd you bring
this down here to me?

Well now, because I wanted
to tell you how much I admire

the straightforward way that
you do business, Colonel Bailey.

Hmm?

When I first read
that guarantee,

I didn't know whether
you really meant it or not.

Oh, my dear, the Bailey Bean
Company means every word we say.

- Oh...
- We stand behind every bean.

Oh, now, isn't that nice?

You mean that guarantee is good

for every little ol' can
of beans that you sell?

Every little ol' can.

And I'm delighted to have
a chance to prove it to you.

- Now here, let me have that can.
- Yes. sir.

And for bookkeeping purposes,

I'm gonna have to
pay you by check.

Well, that's quite
all right, Colonel.

But before you
fill out the amount,

uh, I do have a few
more cans outside.

Oh?

Yes. You just make it
out to Lucille Carmichael.

- Lucille Carmichael.
- Now, that was two "L's."

- Two "L's".
- Correct.

Lucille Carmichael.

(loud thump)

What on earth?! Wh-Wh-Wh...
Wha-wha-what is this?

Well now, the rest of
them are outside, Colonel.

Altogether I have , cans.

You just make that
check out for $ , .

$ , ?!

- That's right, Colonel.
- Three h... , cans?!

Whoa! Hey!

What do you mean, there?

What are you doing? Oh...!

(shouting frantically)

Get that thing out of here!

Do you hear?! Get...

Get that... Get that
thing out of here!

(thudding clatter)

Mary Jane, I have it! I have it!

Oh, there you are. $ , .

- Wow!
- Yeah.

And I called the
store and told them

to deliver my
furniture this afternoon.

Oh, Lucy, I can't
wait to see it.

Oh, while we're waiting,
let's get something to eat.

I am so hungry.

Oh, I got news for you.

We were so busy buying
beans we forgot to buy groceries.

- Oh, I'm starved.
- Well, the only thing I could

find in the house
was a glass of milk.

- I'll drink it.
- I drank it.

The only other thing I
found was a can of beans.

I'm so hungry,
I'll eat anything.

Thank you.

When the furniture
comes, we'll go marketing.

Mm, mm, mm. We'll have
a big feast and celebrate.

Mm.

Beans okay?

Hmm.

Not bad.

Mm.

In fact, they're pretty good.

Oh, no.

Oh, no!

Lucy, what's the matter?

These are the best beans
I ever ate in my whole life.

Oh, dear. Oh.

Lucy, what are you doing?

Oh, I can't take the money,
I can't take the money.

(knocking on door)

If that's the furniture,
send it back.

Mrs. Carmichael!

Mr. Mooney, what
are you doing here?

I happen to be an investor
in Bailey's Bean Company.

- Yeah!
- (screams)

- Oh, hello, Colonel.
- Hi.

And, I've just learned of your
conniving, swindling scheme.

Oh, don't bother to yell at me.

Here, here's your
check, Colonel.

I can't take your money.

- How come?
- Because it's true.

These are the best beans
I ever ate in my whole life.

- They are?
- Yes.

You see? How about
that for a testimonial?

Furniture for Carmichael.

Oh, please, take
it back to the store.

I can't pay for it. I'm sorry.

Whoa, whoa, just a
little ol' minute here.

Gentlemen, you bring all
that new furniture right in here.

I'll pay for it.

You will?

I'll be glad to pay for it,

because you're the
most wonderful testimonial

my company has ever had.

- Well...
- From now on

you're going to be known
as "Bailey's Bean Queen."

Bean Queen?

Your picture will be on
every signboard in the country.

Gee, Mary Jane,
I'm a Bean Queen.

♪ Bailey's Beans... ♪

♪ Bailey's Beans ♪

♪ Priced for folks
of every means... ♪