05x05 - Lucy and the Ring-a-Ding Ring

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

- Lucy?
- Yeah.

What was so important

you had to give up your
lunch hour for Mr. Mooney?

Well, Mr. Barmarche,
the jeweler,

is bringing a present over here

that Mr. Mooney
bought for his wife.

Mr. Mooney bought
a present for his wife?

He had a ring made for her.

What'd she catch him at?

Nothing.

It's their wedding anniversary.

Well, Lucy, from
what you've told me,

I didn't even think Mr. Mooney
was fond of his wife.

He's fond of anything
that's deductible.

This is the check that I
have to give to the jeweler.

How much is the check for?

I don't know.

It's sealed in this envelope.

Well, let's open it
and take a peek.

Mary Jane.

Well, aren't you curious how
much Mr. Mooney's spending

on a present for his wife?

It's none of my business.

If Mr. Mooney wanted me to know,

he wouldn't have sealed
the check in an envelope.

You could steam it open.

Mary Jane.

That's unladylike and unethical.

And turn up the
heat under that kettle.

There, now put it right over it.

- Is that the way to do it?
- Right, that's it.

- Ooh.
- See how it's doing?

- Oh, yeah.
- See? There it's going.

I'll turn it off.

Ooh, I feel just
like James Bond.

What's that?

It's another sealed envelope
with some writing on it.

What does it say?

"If you open this one, Mrs.
Carmichael, you're fired."

How do you like the
nerve of that man!

After knowing me all these
years, he doesn't trust me.

- Mrs. Carmichael.
- Yes, sir.

Did the jeweler get
here with the ring yet?

- No, sir, he didn't.
- Oh.

- Here's the check.
- Thank you.

(mutters softly)

What are you doing?

I'm giving the
envelope a rubdown.

It's already had a steam.

Mr. Mooney, are
you insinuating that...

Yes.

I won't even dignify
that with a denial.

(knocking at door)

Come in.

Oh, Mr. Barmarche,
I've been expecting you.

I regret I was
unavoidably detained.

- (chuckles)
- Mr. Mooney,

the ring turned out more
beautifully than I anticipated.

- Oh...
- (Lucy gasps)

Oh, it's absolutely gorgeous.

Oh, Mr. Barmarche,
that is really a work of art.

Thank you.

Oh, Mr. Mooney, your
wife is a lucky woman

to be married to a man like you.

I know.

I can hardly wait
to see her face

when I give her this
at the party tonight.

Oh, is the ring a surprise?

Surprise, nothing!
She designed it herself.

Oh.

Oh, and here's your
check, Mr. Barmarche.

Oh, thank you.

Well, this seems to
be in order... $ , .

Now you know, nosey.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, uh, it was just something
I had to tell my secretary.

And here is your receipt.

- Oh, thank you very much...
- Good day, sir.

- Oh, Mr. Barmarche.
- Yes?

Aren't you forgetting something?

Forgetting something?

Well, yes.

Uh, I thought with
a purchase this size,

- well, at least you could, uh...
- Mr. Mooney,

when you ordered the ring,

I made it quite clear... We
do not give trading stamps.

My this... this certainly
does sparkle, doesn't it?

Oh, it's absolutely scrumptious.

- Yes.
- Oh, Mr. Mooney, that...

Mr. Mooney, would-would
you do me a favor?

What's that, Mrs. Carmichael?

Would you let
me try the ring on?

Why?

Well, I-I'll never be able to
afford a... a thing like that,

and I'd just like
the thrill of seeing

how it looks on me, that's all.

Well, of course,
you may try it on.

- Here.
- Thank you, sir.

- You'll have to be very careful, now.
- Oh, I will.

- I won't drop it or anything.
- No...

- No, no.
- No, sir.

Oh, it is so beautiful.

- Yes, it is. I...
- (gasps)

Oh, oh, it's heavy.

It's really heavy.

Oh, my dear.

(chuckling): Oh, isn't that...?

Oh, oh...

Oh, how do you do?

It's so good to
see you, Duchess.

Oh, nice of you to
come to my little soiree.

Oh!

Elizabeth and Philip.

Oh.

How are things at the palace?

Oh, that's nice.

Oh, this?

Oh, it's just a new
little bauble I picked up.

(chuckles) I see you're still
wearing that same old crown.

All right, Mrs.
Carmichael, fun time's over.

- Oh, okay.
- Yes, let's get back to work now.

Yes, sir. And I...

I want to thank you very much
for allowing me to put it on.

That's all right. It
was nice seeing it.

- (mutters) -It's a
thrill, I can tell you that.

MR. MOONEY: Mm-hmm. Yes.

Oh, dear.

Oh, no.

Oh, n-no, don't... don't, d...
don't tell me that you can't...

I won't.

But I can't.

Mrs. Carmichael, if this is
one of your practical jokes...

No, sir, it's not a joke.

I-I... The ring is really stuck.

I can't...

This is what I get for
being nice to people!

Get it off, get it off!

I'm trying, I'm trying.

Well, try harder,
try harder! (mutters)

Here, here, let
me try, let me try.

Here, I'll get it
off, if I have to...

Mr. Mooney, Mr. Mooney,
be careful, please.

- (grunting)
- Mr. Mooney...

- Mrs. Carmichael.
- What?

Brace yourself.

For what?

Ow!

Really!

- Oh, well, you got it on, you get it off!
- All right...

Of all the ridiculous,
idiotic, stupid, horrible...

No, now don't yell, don't yell!

You'll make my fingers swell!

Yelling makes
your fingers swell?!

Yes, it's a condition I have.

When I get nervous,
my fingers swell.

See? It's started already.

Well, I should have known a
fat-head would have fat fingers!

Oh, Mr. Mooney, now, don't
make it worse, for heaven's sake.

Just give me a minute.

- I'll get it off.
- Oh.

Oh, you know... I
think I know how.

- Oh! Well, what, what, what, what, what?
- Well, they say

sometimes when you
get a ring stuck, if you'll put

soap and water on it,

- it'll just slip right off.
- That's right, that's right!

- Yes. Yes. (stammers)
- All right, I'll be right back.

Hold it!

I'm not going to let
you out of my sight.

I'm going with you.

To the ladies' room?

Did you get it off?

No, but I've got the fattest
wrinkled fingers in town.

Oh, no!

Now, now, Mr. Mooney,
don't give up.

- There must be a way.
- Oh...

Remember, if at first you
don't succeed, try, try again.

Slow and steady wins the race.

He who gives up...

Oh, be quiet!

I'm trying to think!

All right, all right,
and I'll think, too.

After all, two heads
are better than one.

Normally, yes,
but in this... oh...

Wait a minute.

- Ah, that's it.
- What? What's it?

I'm going to call
the hardware store

and have them
send over a hacksaw.

A hacksaw? Oh, Mr. Mooney,

it'd be a shame to cut
a beautiful ring like this.

I wasn't thinking
of cutting the ring.

Well, you certainly can't
be thinking of cutting...

Oh, no, no, I guess not.

Although, the way you type,

with fewer fingers you'd
make fewer mistakes.

Oh, Mr. Mooney!

Now, Mrs. Carmichael, you
get that off or you are fired!

- I am sick and tired of your ridiculous...
- (bawling)

Oh, don't cry.

I feel bad enough
without you yelling at me.

Yeah, well, don't
cry, don't cry!

Well, don't yell, don't yell!

The more you yell, the
more nervous you make me,

and the more nervous I get,
the more my fingers swell.

I got a condition.

Why don't you see a
doctor about that condition?!

I did, and he gave
me some pills for it.

Oh? What kind of pills?

- Relaxing pills.
- Huh.

I think I'd better
take some right now.

Yeah, well, please
do, please do! You...

You make me so nervous,

- Mr. Mooney.
- Oh, I'll get some water.

- (sighs)
- You always yell.

You never wait for
anybody to explain anything.

Oh, now, just

take it easy, take it easy.
If you have to take pills,

- take pills. Here's the water.
- I am, I am.

There you are. Uh,
that's good, that's fine.

Oh, you're doing
very well. Good.

- Oh! (groaning)
- (mock groaning)

All right, now, now,
do you feel any better?

- No, I don't feel better yet.
- Oh.

I-I g... I got to
have time to relax

- and be quiet for a while.
- Rela... Oh, all right,

we'll have you
relaxed in no time at all.

We'll do that. Now,
just take it easy.

Here we... now,
come on, sit down.

That's... Easy, easy does it.

- There, there. Now, lie back.
- Thank you.

Lie back.

- Oh.
- That's right.

Now, put your head back.

There you are. Close your eyes.

There we go.

♪ Rock-a-bye, baby ♪

♪ On the tree top ♪

♪ If you relax ♪

♪ The swelling will stop ♪

♪ La da dee da... ♪

- (phone rings)
- (screams)

Oh, that telephone bell.

- Hello!
- (groans)

Yes, Miss Jones, yes?

All right, Miss Jones.

Yes, yes, I'll take care of it.

Okay, thank you
very much. Oh, my...

- That bell scares me to death every time.
- (stammers)

- You just relax, please.
- I've asked them to change that bell.

- Please, relax.
- If you'd ask them, maybe they...

- they'd get a-a softer bell on there.
- Just r... j-just...

- I get scared all day long with that bell.
- No, now, now,

now, relax, relax.

There.

You're not going to
sing anymore, are you?

- Uh, M-Mrs. Carmichael?
- What?

How long will it take for
those pills to take effect?

I don't know. I never
took them before.

Oh.

Well, I hope they work fast,
because if I don't get that ring

to my wife at that party
tonight, she'll k*ll me!

She'll bite my head off!

And with her big
mouth, she can do it, too.

Oh, that woman, when she
gets mad she'll... (growling)

Mr. Mooney, Mr. Mooney?

Mr. Mooney, uh, it's
hard for me to relax here

with the phone ringing
and you talking all the time.

I think, really, that
I'd get more rest

if I went home,
if you don't mind.

Oh, all right, all right.

It might be good
for your condition.

- Yes, it would help, it would help.
- All right.

- All right.
- I think I'll take one for the road.

Oh, all right, I'll get...

All right, now, we'll see
that you get home all right.

That's a good girl, eh?

- Yeah.
- I forgot my bag.

Yeah. That's it.

Here we go.

All right, we're at your
apartment, Mrs. Carmichael.

Mrs. Carmichael?

M-Mrs. Car...

M...

(sing-songy): Mrs. Carmichael?

Ah!

There we are.

All right. Here we go.

Let's... let's...

Uh...

Oh! Uh...

M-Mrs-Mrs-Mrs. Carmichael?

Upsy-daisy.

Upsy-daisy!

Hold it. Well, it, uh... easy.

That's a good girl.

There, you see? Now, you...

(mutters)

M-Mrs. Carmi-michael?

Oh!

(mutters)

There!

Oh, you're doing
bet... very well.

All right, all right.

All right, this...

Th-This way.

Oh, that's...

Very good!

Yes, my!

Oh, that's... we'll go.

Oh... oh, good.

Really... (mutters)

M... M... Mrs. Carmichael?

Up we get.

(grunting): Up we...

(chuckling)

(straining): Oh...

(grunting)

There we...! Oh...

Over here.

Ah, over...

here!

(grunting)

That's it, huh?

Over...

here!

(grunts)

(panting): Now... here, here.

We're near the curb now.

We'll just throw our...
our foot up on the curb

and away...!

Oh, my.

Oh... oh!

I didn't realize those
pills were so powerful.

Oh, boy.

M-Mrs. Carmichael, up we...

There we...

There we go!

(panting)

Up, up, up, up.

Oh, there. Oh, there.

That's fine. That's fine.

Now, over here. Over here.

Here. (grunts)

(gasps)

(woman murmurs)

And they worry
about our generation.

Hold on, oh, hold it.

Oh, no, there.

There, there,
there's a good girl.

We're almost there.

We're almost... there.

Now, just... right...

That's... good...

Now, throw the other foot...

(panting)

Once more.

There we... Oh...

(muttering)

Um... uh..

Let me... let me...

Mrs. Carmichael,
i-if you can hear me,

I-I have to get into your purse

and get your key
to your apartment.

All right?

Here. There we...

No, no. Here.

Whoa-oh-oh!

(shudders)

Ah! Oh, oh.

(grunting)

Okay. Oh.

Here.

What do you think
you're doing, Mister?

What do you think
I'm doing, you idiot?

I'm going through her purse.

Well, you're a cool one.
And in broad daylight, too!

Officer!

Whoa!

Officer, believe me, this
isn't what it appears to be.

I'm not a purse snatcher.

I'm just trying to get a ring.

You knocked the
poor girl out to get it.

- Huh?
- I did not!

This is my secretary.

I'm trying to get
into her apartment.

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself!

Well, I can explain that.

Well, you'd better.

Yes, well, you see,

I bought a ring for my wife.

Uh, here. Here, here, here.

There is it right there, see?

Yeah, my secretary
tried it on, and it got stuck.

A likely story.

Well, I can show
you the receipt!

I'd like to see it.

You would?

Hold this.

Ah, there it is...
There's the receipt.

Here.

Oh!

Eh, "Received $ ,

from Theodore J.
Mooney for one ring." Huh.

Now, how am I supposed to know
that you're Theodore J. Mooney?

Oh, for heaven's sake. Uh...

Hold this again.

Here... there's
my identification.

Yeah, oh...

Be careful.

All right.

Yeah, I guess you're
Theodore J. Mooney, all right.

Of course I am. Of course I am.

Now, all I want to do is get
this poor girl off the street.

You see, she has a condition.

I can see the condition.

Oh, all right now,
Mrs. Carmichael.

We don't have too far to go now.

We just go up the stairs
like a good lit-little girl.

Huh? Shall we?

Here we go.

Let's see. Here, hold tight.

Come on, now. Let's
back up a little bit.

Now, then, we put one foot up.

Away!

Here we go. That's good.

And now we put another one...

Away we go!

All right.

Now, we put the other one...

Away we go!

Oh, yes, very good.

Now, that's fine.

Whoa!

That's... that's...

Hold it.

There we go. And then we go...

up the stairs.

(grunting and muttering)

Please, Mrs. Carmichael,
snap out of it, snap out of it.

Time's a-wastin'.

I just got to get that ring.

My wife will just
k*ll me if I don't.

(Lucy wailing)

Oh, no, no, no!

Don't, don't, don't cry!

Don't cry!

Don't cry...

There you are.

Oh, hi, Mr. Mooney.

How are you?

Oh, I'm fine.

How-How do you really feel?

Fine, fine.

Oh, good.

What do you want?

I-I want to get this ring off.

Remember?

Oh, the ring.

Yeah.

Oh, we gotta go to my apartment.

Yeah, well, M-M-Mrs. Carmichael,

we-we-we're at your apartment.

Oh, are we?

Oh, yes. We've been
here for over an hour.

- Is that so?
- Yes, that is... yeah.

- Ah...
- Do you... do you think

you could get that
ring off now, huh?

No.

No...

It's stuck.

It's... yeah.

Well, maybe if we put
soap and water on it again,

it would come off.

Maybe. That's a good...

No, no!

No, Mrs. Carmichael,
don't go to sleep.

Please, Mrs. Carmi... pl...

Oh, Mrs. Carmichael.

Oh, pl... no, up,
up on your feet.

(stammering)

Put one foot ahead of
the other... oh, that's good.

Now we'll go to the sink
and get some soap and water.

And... Oh, you're
doing very well, indeed.

Oh, that's so
good. There we are.

Over here to the sink.

This is my kitchen.

Uh, uh, there we are.

There we are.
You're a good little...

Now, we get some
soap and some water...

Mm-hmm.

And we'll get your
hands all soapy and then

the ring'll come off and
everything'll be good as...

Oh, you want to
get the ring off?

Yes, y... yes.

There we go, that's it.

Now, that loosens
it, doesn't it?

Yeah, it gets all slippery

- and slimy and...
- Yes.

Yeah, now how is it
coming along now?

- Huh?
- Eh, it's off.

It's off!

Oh, wonderful, let me have it.

What?

Let me have it.

Oh.

Yeah.

Well? Well?

Can you find it?

No, I can't find it.

Oh, let me in, let
me, let me get at...

If we just get these
suds out of here.

- Oh... oh...
- Then we can get...

I... Oh, for the love... Get
these suds out of here!

- Oh, oh, okay.
- Wash them out. There's a...

That's right, get 'em out.

Now you...

No! No, there,
the suds, the suds.

- Oh, okay.
- The suds.

Sorry.

No, don't touch me, don't
touch me, get the su...

- Well, I didn't mean to...
- Get the suds out!

(babbling)

Oh, hurry up, hurry
up, there we are, yeah.

The suds are all gone.

Yeah.

So's the ring.

It went down the drain.

Down the drain!

Down the drain?

- Oh, I can't feel a thing.
- Uh, but sometimes when things

get stuck in there, I
just turn this switch on.

Don't... turn that on!

Oh, I wasn't going to turn it on
when your hand was in there.

You think I'm
stupid or something?

Don't tempt me with
obvious questions,

- and don't turn that switch on!
- All right.

I don't want a $ , ring
ground up into garbage.

Of course you don't.

No, of course I don't.

Now, then, have
you got a plumber?

Yes, but he doesn't
make house calls.

Well, have you got some tools?

- Yes, I have.
- Get 'em.

- Oh.
- Uh, what have you got?

- What?
- What have you got in the way of tools?

- Oh.
- Eh...

- I got a hammer.
- Yeah?

And I got a thingamajig
and a doohickey.

What's a thingamajig
and a doohickey?

That's a doohickey,
and that's a thingamajig.

- Oh.
- And that's a hammer.

I know what a hammer is!

Under the pipes, maybe
I can do something here.

- Uh...
- That's a garbage disposal.

I know it's a garbage
disposal... Oh!

- Hey... give me a wrench.
- A what?

A... the thingamajig.

Oh, why didn't you
say so in the first place?

Oh! Now, if I can just
get this pipe loose here,

we might be able to see
what's been going on in here.

Do you think you
know what you're doing?

Of course I know what I'm doing.

There we are.

Look through that.

No, there's nothing in there.

(clangs loudly)

Well, you get the
hammer and help me now.

Yes, sir. What do
you want me to do?

Well, now I'm going to try
and get this fitting loose...

This gooseneck here.

- What?
- This gooseneck.

I'm going to loosen
the fitting around it

and then when I
get the wrench on it,

you hit it with the hammer
and that'll break it loose.

- Huh?
- All right.

Now, there we
go, now, hit it now.

- There we go.
- All right.

- (hard tap)
- That's good, one more.

- (hard tap)
- That's good, another one.

(hard tap)

(screams)

(groans)

I got it loose, I got it loose.

(groans)

- Lucy, Lucy, Lucy.
- What?

- What?
- The most amazing thing just happened.

I was down in the
laundry room doing my...

Hello, Mr. Mooney... laundry, and
I was using that washing machine

that they're fixing the pipes,

and I reached down and got
my laundry and look what I found!

My ring, my ring!

What do you mean, your ring?

It is his ring... I
mean his wife's ring.

Remember the ring I told
you about in the office?

- Yes.
- Well, uh, Mr. Mooney let me put it on

and it got stuck on my
poor little finger and,

and we had to get some
soap on it and it slipped off,

and it went down the drain.

I guess it went all
the way to the laundry.

Yeah.

- (stammers) -And, and
Mr. Mooney has been so upset.

Just give it to me, please...

- He has to take it home to his wife.
- Okay.

- Yes, thank you very much.
- He's been...

- Oh, what we went through.
- I know, but it's all right now,

- Mr. Mooney, it's all right.
- Yes, it is.

- If we can get that off her...
- Yes. -Lucy, I can't get it off.

- What?
- I can't get the ring off.

- Oh, no.
- You're kidding!

- Oh, no!
- No, I can't...

- Oh, no, not again!
- You're kidding! -I can't!

- Not again!
- All right...

Oh, that's what I get
for being nice to people!

(all yelling)