ANNOUNCER:
Starring Lucille Ball.
Costarring Gale Gordon.
(door opens)
Hi, Lucy. You ready to go home?
Hi. No. I'll be with
you in a minute.
I've got to make
sure that all this stuff
is exactly where
it belongs tonight.
Well, can't you do
that tomorrow morning?
No, I have to do it tonight.
- I won't have time in the morning.
- Why?
Because everybody has
strict orders to be at the bank
an hour early tomorrow to
meet the efficiency expert
who is being sent over
to check on how Mr. Mooney
is running the bank.
Efficiency expert?
Is Mr. Mooney worried?
Is he? I haven't
seen him so scared
since his wife started
taking karate lessons.
Well, I don't blame
him for worrying.
Those efficiency experts
can be very tough, you know.
Yeah?
Yeah. We had one
working at the studio.
He came in to show 'em how
to save money on a picture
we were making called
Gunfighter at Gower Gulch,
and you know he figured out
a way they didn't
have to pay the actors.
How?
They used real b*ll*ts.
Oh, Mary Jane, you're joking.
Yeah. I heard that on
The Red Skelton Show.
Oh, for heaven's sake.
Of course, I don't
know what they need
with an efficiency
expert around here
when they've got Mr. Mooney.
You know, he
never wastes a thing.
He makes me straighten
out bent paper clips.
He makes me tie knots
in old rubber bands.
- You know what he had me do last week?
- What?
Send out my typewriter
ribbon to be dry-cleaned.
Oh, that's real efficiency.
That's real cheap.
(slamming drawers shut)
Okay, I'm ready to go.
(Lucy sighs)
(Lucy grunting)
(chuckling): What are you doing?
I'm getting in training for
Mooney's new time clock.
In training for a time clock?
Yeah. If you don't
punch it, it punches you.
You're joking, Lucy.
Yeah. I heard that on The
Jackie Gleason Show. (laughs)
- Come on.
- Come on, let's go.
Now, Mr. Kasten,
the efficiency expert,
has made drastic
personnel changes
at other branches of this bank
because they were
not run properly.
However, Mr. Kasten
will find no fault at my bank
because it is run competently
by conscientious workers,
with one possible exception.
(screaming): Why are
you late, Mrs. Carmichael?!
All right, answer me!
- Why are you late?
- Well, I-I... I was...
That's the same excuse
you gave me the last time.
Well, M-Mr.
Mooney, I'm not late.
The bank isn't even open yet.
I specifically requested
everyone to be here
one hour early this morning,
and everyone was here
one hour early except you,
and you are ten minutes late.
Well, that's an improvement.
I'm usually minutes late.
You see, you can't
even be late on time.
- But, Mr. Mooney...
- Never mind,
there's no time for excuses.
Now, staff, remember, this is
a very important occasion
for our organization.
I want this bank
to get a special
commendation from Mr. Kasten.
- (knocking)
- Wha...
It's him. It's him.
It's him. It's the
efficiency expert.
No, it is not the
efficiency expert.
Oh, who is it?
It's Mr. Grantland, a very
important prospective client.
Oh, it-it's a client, it's
a client, it's Mr. Grant...
- Not-not...
- Shh! Quiet.
Quiet.
Ah, good morning, Mr. Grantland.
Good morning,
Mr. Mooney. Nice to see...
Oh, a-am I a little too early?
Oh, no, that's quite
all right. Quite all right.
I was just giving the morning
instructions to my staff.
Well, please continue.
Don't let me interrupt.
Well, thank you very much, sir.
- Oh, oh, will you have a cigar, sir?
- Thank you.
Why don't you sit down,
make yourself comfortable.
Thank you.
(clears throat)
Now, then, staff,
as manager of this bank,
I will see you through.
If you follow my instructions,
I'm sure Mr. Kasten
will be very impressed.
All right, everybody,
up on your toes.
Look alive. The man is here!
All right, now get this.
The name is Kasten.
Oliver Kasten.
O.K. for short.
Good morning, Mr. Kasten.
I am Theodore J. Mooney,
the manager of the bank.
Well, ding, ding,
ding, ring out the news.
Why is everybody
standing around?
This is a bank, not a morgue!
Now stop standing
around like a bunch of stiffs!
Tellers, get behind your cages;
bookkeepers, back to your books;
and filing clerks,
back to your files.
Back to work, work,
work, work, work!
Move along.
No smoking on the job.
- GRANTLAND: But...
- KASTEN: No buts or butts.
Either shape up or ship out.
Get back to work, work,
work, work, work, work!
M-Mr. Kasten, sir, you've
made a terrible mistake.
I don't make mistakes,
I correct them.
B-But, sir, Mr. Grantland
doesn't work here.
He is a prospective
and important client.
How are ya?
Glad to see ya.
Glad to see ya!
Sorry about that cigar.
Just a little joke... Oh, you.
Here take this one.
There's a cigar on the floor.
Do you like sloppiness?
- Pick it up! On the double.
- (Mr. Mooney stammers)
Move it! Pick it up!
- Uh... thank you.
- Sorry about that.
Why is he standing
there without a light?
- Light, light, light, light!
- Oh! Yes, a light.
Is it too important for you
to get out a light? A light...
- No, no... yeah, yeah...
- Wait a minute.
Oh, this is a good girl.
Nice to see somebody
around here who is efficient.
Efficiency is the
lifeblood of this business,
and this girl is efficient.
(Mr. Mooney screams in pain)
It b*rned me!
No tears. I don't
want any screaming.
Don't suck your thumb...
It's a dead giveaway.
Oh, I like your style, Red.
You've got a good
career around here.
Mark my words, Mooney,
this girl is going places.
Yes, and I'd like
to tell her where.
Mr. Kasten, sir...
- Mr. Kasten...
- Just call me O.K.
Okay, O.K.
I-I... I mean, would
you excuse me, sir?
Mr. Grantland and I have some
important business to discuss.
Is that so? What are we
hanging around here for?
Move it! Go, go,
go, go, go, go, go!
Move!
Mr. Grantland, go,
go, go, go, go, go, go.
- Hold it. You, Red.
- Me?
You. Where do you
think you're going?
With Mr. Mooney.
Yeah. She's my secretary.
Oh-oh, you sly dog, you.
Why, I... (stammers)
No, no, that'll come later.
Never mind, we've
got work to do.
You go. Go, go, go.
- Hey, Red. You come with me.
- Yes, sir?
- Come, come, come, come,
come, come, come, -Yes, yes, yes,
- come, come, come, come, come.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Now let's...
Don't crowd me, will ya, kid?
- I got work to do.
- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.
It's quite all right.
Here, file this in the vault.
Now, the thing we got to do...
(chuckles) I see
what you're doing.
Staring at my bald head, huh?
- Oh, no, no, sir. I wasn't.
- Never mind.
It's my proudest possession.
I used to have a
beautiful, full head of curls.
Pulled them all
out by the roots.
- Why?
- Why?
Because five minutes
every day is saved
by not having to comb
a lot of messy hair.
- Oh.
- That's efficiency.
Yes, sir. By the way, sir, my
name is Lucille Carmichael.
- Lucille Carmichael?
- Yes.
That's the name?
Carmichael, Carmichael.
Let me see... Carmichael...
That's three syllables.
Uh, Lucille... two syllables.
Together, that's five syllables.
In an average day, I'll have
to address you times.
That's a total of syllables.
Too long... I'll
just call you Red.
- Yes, sir.
- Now, let's get cracking.
Show me about the bank.
There's work to be done.
Come with me. Come,
come, come, come, come,
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.
- Come, come, come, come, come.
- If we go...
- What I want...
Why... why do you
insist on crowding me?
I didn't mean... I didn't
mean... I'm sorry, sir.
Crowding me is
just a waste of time.
Yes, sir. Don't you ever
waste any time at all, sir?
I can't afford to.
You see, I have
children to support.
children?
How long have you been married?
years.
That's efficiency.
Come, come, come, come.
Well, Mr. Mooney, I think
the terms and conditions
of this agreement
are more than fair.
Well, thank you. Thank you.
Our bank is most anxious to
have the Grantland Toy Company
as a member of our happy family.
Well, now, if my
board of directors agree
with the terms of this loan, I
think I can assure you of the
- Grantland Toy Company account.
- Oh, good, good, good, good.
You'll be seeing
me very shortly.
Oh, fine, sir. Fine.
It's been a pleasure doing
business with you, sir.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, Mr. Mooney.
- Thank you, sir.
- Good-bye.
Oh, Mooney, you rascal,
you've done it again.
(humming)
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
Mr. Kasten is not going to
like you wasting time dancing.
Oh. Uh, ha-has he finished
his tour of the bank yet?
Yes, and you know something,
he is a very amazing man.
He keeps going
like perpetual motion.
Go, go, go. Work, work,
work. Quick, quick, quick.
I wonder what makes
him repeat everything.
I think his mother
was frightened
by a bunch of radishes.
Now, look, ha-has he suggested
any changes for the bank?
Not yet, but I'm
sure he's going to.
Yeah. He's been walking
around, looking at everything,
shaking his head
and making little notes
in a black notebook.
Oh, oh. Well, I'm
going to make sure
that he finds nothing
wrong in here.
Let's, uh...
Yeah, that's all right...
The filing cabinet.
Good. Uh, plant's over there.
- Aha!
- What?
- I found something.
- What?
The wall heater...
It's in a direct line
with the watercooler.
- So?
- Well, that isn't efficient.
You see, the water isn't
as cool as it should be
because of its
contact with the hot air.
Say, that's pretty
good thinking.
I think you're an
expert on hot air.
- What?
- I mean, uh...
I know what you mean.
I... I better move this thing.
Where can I put it?
Uh... yes, this will be a
good place right here, I think.
All right.
(grunting)
Over here.
There.
Now I'll put the
chair back here.
Oh, yes, that's...
that-that's better.
I think so, too.
Yes, well, I... I hope
our Mr. Efficiency
Expert approves of this.
- Mr. Mooney.
- Hmm?
Are, um... are
you afraid of him?
Afraid of him? Certainly not.
I don't particularly like him.
He reminds me of my wife.
Is she efficient, too?
No, she's bald.
(coughs) Well...
let's get to work.
Uh, say, how many letters
do I have to send out this...
- Oh...
- All right, let's see.
What have we got here?
One office, one
executive, one secretary.
Good. Good, good,
good, good. Good.
Yes, you'll find nothing
wrong in here, sir.
Everything looks fine, except...
What is this watercooler
doing over here?
Thought I wouldn't
notice it, huh?
It should be over there!
That's where it used to be.
- Who's the idiot who moved it?
- He is.
Well, I had a perfectly
good reason...
Don't sputter.
Don't... (babbling)
Don't sputter. If the
watercooler is by the door,
every time the door
opens and closes,
there will be an influx of air,
the draft will change the
temperature in the water,
and you're not thinking, Mooney.
No, you're not thinking, Mooney.
Well, I'm... I'm
doing the best I can.
Oh, well, don't be...
Gee whiz, I got him...
I know that, baby.
Relax.
As a matter of fact,
at the main office,
we all think you're very good.
Good, good, good, good!
Oh. Oh.
We even have a
little reward for you.
Oh, what's that, sir?
The key to the
executive washroom.
Oh, thank you.
I knew you'd like it.
And one other thing, Mr. Mooney.
I'm going to take your
secretary away from you.
Oh, you don't have
to do that, sir. No, sir.
You have done
enough for me already.
Uh, w-what time do you want
her to report to your office?
She's already in my office.
(chuckles) No, no, sir.
This is my office.
Not is... was.
Well, if you use this, what
am I going to use for an office?
I just gave you the key.
All right, Red, I want you
to keep a careful record
of any messages I might
get, you understand?
- Yes, sir.
- Now, I'm going to lunch.
I'll be back in precisely
seven minutes.
Yes, sir.
This watercooler...
I wanted it moved.
It's still here.
When I give an
order, I want it obeyed.
When I want it moved, I
want it to move, move, move!
Move, move, move, move, move!
All the time, move!
When I say it.
Hold it! No free blotters!
Stop that lady.
He reminds me of a
sergeant I once knew.
Whew!
Ah, better move
this thing, I suppose.
(grunting)
I'll help you.
Haven't you helped
me enough already,
you Benedict Arnold, you?
- Oh, now, Mr. Mooney.
- Oh, well, I'm just trying to...
- I didn't mean anything by that.
- You don't have to do
- things like that...
- For Heaven's sake.
I am glad to say I've
only been here two days
and already you're
beginning to shape up.
Beginning to shape up.
- But...
- But...
there's still plenty of
room for improvement.
Room for improvement.
Mooney, there's
a spot on your tie.
May I say that's sloppy,
sloppy, sloppy, sloppy, sloppy!
Mooney, sloppy, sloppy,
sloppy, sloppy, sloppy!
I know that some of you
resent my making you coming in
earlier than usual, but
remember, time is money!
Yeah, the early bird
catches the worm.
A penny earned is a penny saved.
A stitch in time saves nine.
Never put off for tomorrow
what you can do today.
Birds of a feather
gather no moss.
He who hesi...
Birds of a feather
gather no moss?
I mean, what is that?
- That's efficiency.
- Oh.
I put two proverbs
together, sir.
You see, birds use
moss to build their nests.
People deposit money in
banks to feather their nests.
So, it's a good
slogan for a bank.
Birds of a feather
gather no moss.
By George, I think she's got it.
Thank you, sir.
Now, you can all learn from her.
In only two days, she's absorbed
my methods of management.
I'm going to my office
to rewrite my report.
- Take over, Red.
- Yes, sir.
- I'll take that.
- Right, chief.
And watch everything,
keep it going right.
- Right.
- Hold it!
No free blotters!
Watch that.
All right, now hear this.
Things are going to be
different around here.
There'll be no more goofing off.
When I give an order,
I expect you to jump.
Jump, jump, jump,
do you hear me?
We're going to work as
a team, we're going to put
our best foot forward,
our noses to the wheel
and our shoulders
to the grindstone.
All right, everyone,
to your posts.
Go, go, go! Go, go, go!
Uh, may I, uh, speak
to you, Mrs. Carmichael?
All right, what is it, T.M.?
Well, uh, Mrs.
Carmichael, in all the years
of our association, I
could never get you to do
even your own work,
let alone extra jobs.
But in just two short days,
Mr. Kasten has turned
you into a-a human dynamo.
Why?
Well, because, T.M.,
Mr. Kasten has taught me
the meaning of efficiency.
He gave me ambition.
He gave me my get-up-and-go.
Mr. Kasten has taught me
the power of positive thinking.
I can be anything I want to be.
Success goes to the
worker, not the shirker.
Do you remember the story of
the grasshopper and the ant?
The grasshopper and the ant?
I've been so busy,
I've forgotten about
the birds and the bees.
Get to your job, T.M.
Go, go, go, go, go!
Yes.
All right, open up.
Open up. Here we go.
On your toes, everybody.
Good morning, good morning.
Glad to see you.
Glad to see you.
Glad to see you.
Glad to see you. Good morning.
Glad to see you.
Glad to see you.
GI... Oh, hi, Mary Jane.
Lucy, are you all right?
Sure. Why?
Well, you were gone when
I stopped by your apartment
for breakfast this morning.
That's right.
I left at : .
You know, the early
bird catches the worm.
What worm?
All I wanted was
toast and coffee.
Lucy, you know,
something's happening.
You're-you're so different.
I've turned over a
new leaf, Mary Jane.
I've learned in order
to get anywhere today,
you've got to move, move, move!
By the way, I'm
going to have to call off
our bowling date tonight.
I'm working late.
Oh, well, can we
go tomorrow night?
Sorry, I'm working
late tomorrow night, too.
Gee, Lucy, I never
get to see you anymore.
How about lunch today?
Okay.
Oh, I'll pick you up at : .
But I have to be back by : .
minutes for lunch?
That's right. I'm
entitled to minutes,
but yesterday I took ,
so now I owe them two.
Lucy, you better stop washing
your hair with that soft water;
it's seeping into your brain.
Red, how's everything going?
Oh, fine, sir.
I'd like you to meet my
friend, Mary Jane, Mr. Kasten.
Well, how are you? Glad
to see you. Glad to see you.
I want to tell you, you're lucky
to have a girlfriend like her.
She knows her way
around the business world.
- She has a bright future.
- Thank you.
She's going to get ahead.
I hope so; she needs one.
Friend?
Well...
Mr. Kasten. Mr. Kasten, sir.
I'm sure you'll be pleased to
know that Mr. Grantland called.
The Grantland Toy
Company is transferring
all of its business to our bank.
Well, good, good, good.
Yes. Furthermore,
they are going to borrow
$ million from us.
- Bad, bad, bad!
- What do you mean, bad?
How do we know they'll
be able to repay their loan?
Oh, they're in very
good financial condition.
Then how come they
have to borrow money?
Ah!
Good! You're...
How come they have
to borrow money?
Good thinking, Red.
How about that?
But they're a very good risk.
I've seen their
financial statement.
- But did you see their factory?
- Yeah.
- No.
- How do we know
they're running their
company efficiently?
Yeah, how do you know that?
If you didn't see the factory,
how do you know that they
are running anything efficiently?
If you didn't see the
factory, how do you know
they're running it
efficiently? Will you hold it?!
- How could you...
- Will you hold it?!
I say a few things
once in a while, too.
Now, before we lend them money,
we're going to run an
efficiency check on their factory.
- Come with me, Red. Come, come!
- Right, chief.
Right, right, right.
Try not to make any more
mistakes while I'm gone.
(nonsense noises)
That's fine, Wendy. Good girl.
Okay, Betty.
MAN (over speaker):
Ordering one blue poodle.
One blue poodle.
And this is the department
that we're very, very proud of.
We've combined our
shipping department
with our hobbyhorse
assembly line.
Hobbyhorses are a
big profit item with us.
Got that, Red?
Hobbyhorses... big profit.
Yeah, you might say this is
the only business in the world
that you can make
money horsing around.
(laughs)
MAN (over speaker):
Ordering one dump truck.
What was that voice?
In addition to assembling
the hobbyhorses,
we send the other toys
into the shipping department
- when they're ordered.
- Aha.
(bell ringing)
What's this?
Where-where-where
are they going?
Where? Where, where? Where?
They're taking a
-minute coffee break,
and they deserve it.
What a way to run a business.
Mr. Grantland, you
must be off your rocker.
Grantland off his rocker.
- What do you mean?
- Coffee breaks,
four girls to handle
a line like that.
Two of them can
handle it, even one.
Even one.
Well, Mr. Kasten, if
you can show me a way
to run this operation more
efficiently, I'd appreciate it.
Your worries are over, baby.
Get behind that
assembly line, Red.
Get behind... Me?
Now, just get into
this and get in there.
Well, uh...
Do as I say! Get in there.
We'll show them
how efficiency is run.
- Yes, sir. I am, sir.
- You have no fear.
(over speaker): Mr. Grantland,
you're wanted in your office.
Oh, will you excuse me?
I'm needed in my office.
Have no fear, Kasten is here.
Just a minute.
Mr. Grantland, will you have
them turn on that conveyor belt?
Turn it on again, will you?
By the time you get back, we'll
be running this thing smoothly.
Show you what
efficiency really is.
- Yes, sir.
- Thank you, Grant.
Go ahead, Red.
You're on your own.
Make me look good.
Yes, sir.
You can handle it, baby.
- Yes, sir.
- Just don't panic.
- No, sir.
- They make a big deal out of it.
They put four broads
on here; they need one.
Yes, sir.
Good work! Good!
Look at this.
Perfect, baby.
You're going to
make me look good.
You're doing fine.
Yeah, it's not hard, sir.
No, you got it perfect.
They went thataway.
(laughs)
Fun! Fun with the work!
That's the way to do it.
Look how efficient
you're moving.
Oh, here comes another one.
And you'll handle
it beautifully.
Attagirl. You're doing fine.
I could teach you
brain surgery in a week.
- Oh.
- Doing beautiful, baby.
Thank you, sir.
I think this will make a
good investment for the bank.
Good. I hope so, sir.
Doing very well, baby.
You certainly have
bright ideas, sir.
Well, I got a bright
girl, I get a bright idea.
- You're doing fine.
- Thank you.
Oh, here comes another one.
Good girl.
Right the first time.
How do you like...
(over speaker):
Ordering one fire truck.
- Fire truck?
- He wants a fire truck?
Where's a fire truck?
Oh, here's one right here.
Good girl. Put it on
the assembly line.
Beautiful fire truck.
(laughs)
Doing great.
That's it!
(over speaker):
Ordering two mama dolls.
What's a mama doll, honey?
Well, it's a doll
that says "mama."
Well, find it. Where's
the mama doll?
Here they are.
- Mama dolls, mama dolls, mama dolls.
- Good girl, doing fine.
And he had four girls;
you're doing it all by yourself.
Ooh, wait a minute,
wait a minute.
Tail! Tail, tail,
tail, tail, tail!
- Yes. Yes.
- Tail, tail, tail!
- Very good. Head, head, head.
- Oops.
Head, head, head.
- Ordering one jack-in-the-box.
- No, no, that's a tail.
Yes.
What did he order?
Yes, sir.
- He ordered something.
- What'd he say?
He ordered something.
- What?
- What did he want?
- What'd he say?
- I didn't hear what he said.
(over speaker): Ordering
one jack-in-the-box.
- A jack-in-the...
- A jack-in-the-box?
Here it is.
Oh. Okay, you got
the jack-in-the-box?
Jack-in-the-box.
Don't open it. Some...
- Don't!
- Oh!
All right...
Yes, sir.
Ordering two teddy bears.
Two teddy bears.
Where's... There's
the teddy bears!
- There they are.
- Good girl.
- Yes, sir.
- Doing fine, Red.
Make that one red
teddy bear, one yellow.
Now you're on your own, kid.
Figure this one out by yourself.
That's too much for me.
Good girl, good.
Put the tail in.
Don't forget the tail.
That's very good.
You're doing...
(over speaker): Ordering
six yellow hound dogs.
Six yellow hound dogs.
Where are the hound dogs, honey?
- Well, they're...
- Hound dogs.
- They're up there someplace.
- They're ordering six...
The hound dogs!
- Where are the hound dogs?!
- These are yellow.
Well, get them if
you can get them.
These are yellow.
Good morning, Mrs. Carmichael.
Good morning, Mr. Mooney.
Any messages?
No, sir, but I have
the morning mail.
- Oh.
- Here you are.
Thank you very much.
- Uh, oh, Mr. Mooney.
- Mmm?
Uh...
(chuckles)
Is there something else?
Well, yes, sir.
I-I just want to tell
you how happy I am
to be working with you again.
Well, thank you.
Thank you.
It is nice to have the
bank back to normal.
Yes.
Mr. Kasten may
have been efficient,
but he certainly made
everybody a nervous wreck.
Oh, he did indeed.
(sighs)
- Oh, by the way, sir.
- Yes?
This top letter is
from Mr. Cheever.
You have to initial it and
send it to the main office
as soon as possible.
Thank you very much.
I'll do that. There we are.
Would you like me to
deliver it for you, sir?
No, no, no.
No need for you to bother.
I'll have the
messenger take it over.
Boy!
Yes, sir? Yes? Yes?
Yes, sir? What is it, sir?
Uh, take this to
Mr. Cheever's office.
They want it as
quickly as possible.
Don't you worry, sir.
I'll hurry. I'll go
as fast as I can.
I'll just run, run, run.
Go, go, go, go, go!
Run, run, run!
Quick! Out!
Out, out, out, out!
Quick!
05x13 - Lucy and Phil Silvers
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Widow Lucy Carmichael raises her children and shares her home with divorcee friend Vivien.
Widow Lucy Carmichael raises her children and shares her home with divorcee friend Vivien.