05x17 - Main Street U.S.A.

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

(bicycle bell rings)

Oh... oh...

Oh, what a darling little town!

So old-fashioned and quaint.

Decadent is the word.

Oh, Mr. Mooney.

There isn't even a porter
here to take my baggage.

Well, I'll carry it for you.

No, please, Mrs. Carmichael.

I don't want people to see me

letting a woman
carry my baggage.

Well, I carried it when
we got on the train.

That was last
night. It was dark.

NEWSBOY: Bancroft Daily Bugle!

Read all about it!

Paper, mister?

Uh, no, no thank you, son.

LUCY: Oh, look, Mr. Mooney.

Your picture's
on the front page.

Well, I'll be... How
much is that paper?

A nickel.

Uh, do you have
change for a dollar?

No sir. Aw, that's okay,
you can pay me next time.

Oh, here. Here, son.

Here's a quarter.

Keep the change.

Thank you, ma'am.

It's all right.

Paper!

My, that was very generous of
you, giving that boy a quarter.

Oh, he seemed
so nice and trusting.

Yes. Well...

don't forget to remind
me that I owe you a nickel.

- Ooh, well...
- What does it say about you?

"Banker Theodore Mooney
arriving in town to confer

with Highway
Planning Commission."

That sure is nice of them,

putting your picture
in the paper, huh?

Well, they should.

I worked hard to convince
the Highway Commission

that a freeway through
Main Street here

would bring this town
progress and prosperity.

- Oh?
- Mm-hmm.

I thought that you wanted
the freeway through here

so you could build your
big shopping center.

Mrs. Carmichael, I assure you

my motives were most honorable

and in the best interest
of the community.

- Mrs. Carmichael!
- I didn't say anything!

I know, but I don't like the
tone of what you're not saying.

(marching band music begins)

Look! The brass band!

Well, I didn't expect
a welcome like this.

- How about that?
- Yes.

MEL: Hey, Mrs. Carmichael!

Why, Mel Tinker!

What are you doing here?

Well, how nice to see you.

- Gee, it's...
- Well, this is, you know,

this is my hometown.

- I was raised here.
- No kidding.

Yeah, my folks are pretty
upset about this freeway situation

so I, I thought I'd pay them
a visit and cheer 'em up.

Oh, how nice.

Tink, this is my
boss, Mr. Mooney.

Oh, I'm glad to meet you.

I can see that.

Tink and I live in the same
apartment house in L.A.

We're very good friends.

That figures.

Mel's a musician and a composer.

Oh, you ought to hear all
the music he's composed.

Oh, I can't wait.

Well, I, I wrote the march
the band was just playing.

- Really?
- Yeah.

What's it called:
"Mooney Go Home"?

Well, no, sir.

There's no title or lyrics
to it; it's just a march.

Oh, I think it's very catchy.

♪ Da da dum, da da
dum, da da dum... ♪

Mrs. Carmichael,
please, please...

Look, I was supposed
to meet a member

of the planning
commission named Weber.

Can you tell me
where I can find him?

Well, he just passed
here with the band.

He was in that
welcoming committee?

I'll point him out to you.

(band playing march)

MEL: Uh, Mr. Weber? Mr. Weber?

(band continues playing)

Here he is.

Hi, Mr. Mooney.

Are you Weber

- of the planning commission?
- I am.

Well, uh, I was supposed to
meet with you, it seems to me.

Well, yes, you were,
but I march with the band,

because if I don't march,
they don't have a tuba.

Oh. Why were you
marching with the opposition?

Well, you see, here in Bancroft,
we don't let political issues

interfere with the reason
for having a parade.

Well, I didn't come
here to see a parade!

I was to have a private
meeting with Mayor Adler

and one of the
local representatives

of the planning commission!

Oh, well, that meeting
has been postponed till :

- on account of the parade.
- Oh.

Say, uh, would you excuse me?

Uh, band don't sound
so good without a tuba.

Oh, well, take
your tuba and blow.

Well, I suppose we
better check in at the hotel,

if we can find it. Where is it?

Oh, wait a minute, look,
we have no porter here...

MR. MOONEY: No, I know.

But let me help you
with the bags, okay?

Oh, that's very
nice of you, Mel.

- Well, thank you very much.
- Thank you.

Excuse me, would you
carry this for me, please?

- Well, watch that...
- LUCY: Is the hotel over there?

(indistinct conversation)

Oh, Tink... I just can't
thank you enough

for showing me around
this darling little town.

Gee, you know,
it's been a long time

since I've seen
a dry goods store

and a little park
like that and...

Oh, it's so
adorable, this place.

(inhales)

Oh, that's heavenly!

What do you mean, the fresh air?

- No, I smell hot bread.
- (chuckles)

Oh, there's our
bakery right there.

Oh...

Oh, I gain weight just
looking at that window.

Oh, isn't that divine?

This little park is so cute.

Tink, what do you call
those things? I've forgotten.

Oh, that's a gazebo.

Gazebo! I haven't seen
one of those in years.

You know, this is
where we're gonna hold

- our town meeting tonight.
- Oh, really?

Yeah. Oh! Got to see
Doc Putnam's drugstore.

- Where is it?
- It's right over here.

Come on.

Now, no tour of Bancroft
would be complete

without a visit to Doc Putnam's.

- Why is that?
- Well, take a look.

Now, uh, to most people,

this might just be
another drugstore,

but here in Bancroft, this
is our Main Street a-go-go.

(laughs) Well, let's a-go-go in.

All right!

(doorbell jingles)

Oh...

Oh, I just love it;
it's so old-fashioned.

(doorbell jingles)

A coffee grinder! Oh!

(inhales)

Oh... smell that!

Oh, and look... penny candy!

Do you know I can
remember when you could get

a penny's worth of
candy for a penny.

Amen. (chuckles)

What's going on there?

Oh, that's a chess game.

That's-that's Doc Putnam.

He owns the drugstore.

- And that's John Bubbles.
- Uh-huh.

Now, those two have
been at each other's throat

over that chess board
for the last years!

You're kidding.
Who usually wins?

I don't know; the
game isn't over yet.

(laughs) Who's the
other gentleman?

Oh, now, that's old Uncle Joe.

Hey, he's .

- You gotta be kidding!
- True.

LUCY (whispers): !

(snickers)

Ha-ha!

Ha!

I think...

I'll take my knight

and move it over here
and block off your bishop!

Well, fine, fine, and I'll
just capture your queen.

Hold it, hold it!

I said, I think I'll
move it over there.

I didn't actually move it yet.

Why, you did, too, move it.

I did not! I just
jiggled it over there.

And a jiggle is not a move!

Well, it is when you jiggle it

all the way over
to another square.

Well, I jiggled it all
the way back, didn't I?

Oh, I'm not gonna
play with you anymore!

You keep moving these
chess pieces around

like they were flying saucers.

I didn't move
anything; I just jiggled.

You... he...

Now, here's a complete stranger.

Now, we'll let her decide.

Miss, did he jiggle,
or did he move?

Well, um...

I'd say he half jiggled
and half moved.

DOC: Just what kind
of an answer is that?

The lady means...

it all depends on
your point of view.

Right, ma'am?

- Yes, sir.
- Oh, that's ridiculous.

Look, either he
jiggled or he moved.

UNCLE JOE: Not necessarily.

For instance, take
this bottle of whiskey.

Now, a pessimist would
say it was half empty.

An optimist would
say it's half full.

Is that how he got to be ?

Yeah.

- Say, Doc?
- Yeah?

How about fixing us a
couple of sodas, huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah, coming right up.

Don't you do any
jiggling while I'm gone.

Jiggle, jiggle all the
time, jiggle, jiggle...

(Doc muttering)

(Doc chuckles)

Well, what'll you have, folks?

Uh, what do you recommend?

Well, I usually have a
strawberry ice cream soda.

Oh, it sounds wonderful.

(chuckles): All right, two
strawberry ice cream sodas.

- Oh, and, Doc?
- Eh?

In a clean glass.

(mocking): In a
clean glass. Oh-ho.

Well, you know, Doc does
pretty good on the washing,

but lately he don't see so good
when it comes to the rinsing.

He sees pretty good
when it comes to jiggling.

Oh, uh, Mrs. Carmichael,

- this is John Bubbles.
- How do you do, Mr. Bubbles?

- Hello.
- MEL: Old Uncle Joe is asleep.

Oh? Already? (chuckles)

Mr. Bubbles used to
own the garage here,

but he, uh, he sold it and
bought the livery stable.

The livery stable?

I thought horses
were practically extinct.

I bought the livery stable
so I'd have more time

to catch up on my
hanging around.

(laughs)

Well, that gives you an idea

how the folks around
here feel about progress.

Yeah. You know something,
I appreciate a small town

after all the hustle and
bustle of the big city.

Yeah, it's... it's a shame
they're gonna bury it

under a freeway.

Well, are you sure
it's a lost cause?

You still have that
public meeting tonight

with the highway commission.

Oh, no, no, that meeting
won't do any good.

Why not?

Well, you know, the local
people here in Bancroft

just figure they
can't fight city hall.

Well, then why did you
bother with all those signs

and that big parade
this morning?

Oh, brass bands and
parades are very big here.

But, you know, when it
comes to politics and speeches,

that's something else again.

See, this isn't
like an election.

No matter what the
local people want,

the highway commission
calls the sh*ts on a freeway.

Well, I think that's ridiculous.

Boy, if I lived
here in Bancroft,

I'd find some way to convince
the highway commission

that they're making
a... a terrible mistake.

They are just going to
ruin this beautiful little town.

We already had one
meeting with them...

To discuss the
issue, pro and con.

What happened?

Those highway officials are
pros when it comes to con.

Well, folks, here's your two
strawberry ice cream sodas.

Oh.

Who ordered the clean glass?

For the lady.

- Here you are, ma'am.
- Thank you.

MEL: Thank you, Doc. Mmm.

LUCY: Mmm!

Oh! Boy, that's what I call

a real old-fashioned
ice cream soda.

- DOC (chuckles): Thank you.
- You know, this whole place

reminds me of an
ice cream parlor

that was in my hometown
when I was a little girl.

Especially the piano.

Hey, Tink, play
something for me, will you?

It's been ages since
I've heard you play.

Why not?

(Doc giggles)

(Mel clears throat)

(playing mid-tempo intro)

Hey, Bub?

- Yeah?
- You know what this is?

♪♪

(scat singing)

(scat singing)

(exchanging scat phrases)

(harmonizing scat singing)

(music pauses)

You know something?

♪ There are no skyscrapers ♪

♪ In my hometown ♪

♪ There are no bright lights ♪

♪ Or no Broadway ♪

♪ There are no taxis out ♪

♪ On old Main Street ♪

♪ No midnight cabarets ♪

Tell 'em about it.

♪ They are just plain people ♪

♪ In my hometown ♪

♪ Always up with the chickens ♪

♪ Every morn ♪

♪ If a fellow had a gal ♪

♪ He would not have
to watch his pal ♪

♪ In the town where I was born ♪

Say, uh, how about
some dancing there?

I'm ready when you are.

Well, just put your
feet in my hands.

You got 'em, just don't
squeeze 'em too tight.

(Lucy laughs)

Hey, hey, hey, where'd
you learn that one?

Hanging around.

I like that.

Yeah? Well, come on down

and hang around a while,
and I'll teach it to you.

- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

Now, just take
your right foot...

lay it down low.

Now take your left foot...

- don't add no more.
- No.

Now, put 'em both together.

That's the latest style.

Now stop.

Rest a while.

That's long enough. Come on.

- ♪♪
- Hey.

You can breathe
easy on this, can't you?

- LUCY (laughs): Yeah.
- Ha-ha!

Let's walk around a little bit.

♪♪

You can stop.

♪♪

Ha-ha!

There you go!

(laughter)

LUCY: That was fun!

That wasn't hard, was it?

With you, no.

(laughs) That's what happens...

♪ In the town where ♪

♪ I was ♪

♪ In the town ♪

♪ Where he was ♪

♪ In the town ♪

♪ Where we were ♪

(scat singing)

(scat singing)

♪ Yeah! ♪

(song ends)

(laughter)

Good afternoon, Mayor Adler.

Good afternoon, Mr. Mooney.

May I present Mrs.
Carmichael, my secretary?

- How do you do, sir?
- How do you do?

- "Your Honor."
- Oh. Your Honor.

And may I say that it
must be quite an honor

to be mayor of such
a beautiful little town.

Why, thank you.

Mr. Mooney, your bank has even
greater assets than I imagined.

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

No wonder you got elected.

Sorry I'm late, folks.

Oh, hello, Mr. Weber.

Weber...

I can tolerate a member
of the highway commission

marching with the protestors
because the band needs a tuba...

But do you have to
wear it to this meeting?

Well, I never can get
it off after I eat lunch.

Well, when you show up at
that highway meeting tonight,

you'd better have
it starved off of you.

Yes, sir.

- Now, sit down.
- Yes, sir.

Your Honor...

Your Honor, may
I say that I think

it would be a terrible
shame to put a freeway

right down your Main Street.

It is so beautiful.

You know, I visited
all your shops

and I was in old Doc
Putnam's drugstore

and I walked all around,

and, oh, I just loved
the parade this morning.

♪ Da-da, dum, da-da, dum ♪

♪ Da-da, dum, da-da, dum ♪

- (tuba playing)
- ♪ Da-da, dum, da-da, dum... ♪

MR. MOONEY:
Mrs... Mrs. Carmichael!

- MAYOR: Weber!
- MR. MOONEY: Mrs...!

Yes, sir?

One more blow and out you go.

I'm sorry, sir.

MAYOR: Mm.

Now, Weber, where do you
suggest putting the off-ramp?

Well, I think the off-ramp...

MR. MOONEY: I hope it will be

where it will help the
bank's shopping center.

- Oh, it will.
- Oh?

The highway department
has said that the off-ramp

will come right here, right
through Doc Putnam's drugstore.

Oh, you can't do that!

Why not?

Well, uh... how
can old Doc Putnam

and Mr. Bubbles play
chess on an off-ramp?

And, Mr. Weber, that brass
band that you're so proud of,

without Main Street, you know,

you'll be holding your
parades on a freeway.

You'll start off
with trombones

and wind up with
one piccolo player.

- But, Mrs. Carmichael...
- Gee, Mr. Weber,

you were born and raised here!

These are your people!

Can't you do something
to get out of this mess?

Lady, I can't even
get out of this tuba.

What about you, Your Honor?
Can't you do something?

Mrs. Carmichael, will
you keep out of this?

I appreciate your
sentimentality,

Mrs. Carmichael, but
I have to be realistic

and consider progress.

Progress. Well, if you ask me...

Nobody asked you!

I think we'd be making
a lot more progress

if we had a lot more wonderful
little towns like Bancroft!

What do you mean, "we"?!

You're not even a citizen here!

I'm not the only one
that feels like this!

And you'll find
that out tonight.

Now, look, Your Honor,
can't you convince

the men on the
highway commission

that Main Street is... is-is
more than just a street?

Why, it's a... it's
a... it's a way of life!

If I lived here in Bancroft,
you know what I'd do?

I'd get up a
petition about this!

And at that meeting
tonight, I'd say:

Who needs industry and commerce

and all that highfalutin,
air-pollutin' progress?

A community doesn't get
better just because it gets bigger!

Well, thank you, Carrie Nation!

That was a very pretty speech,
but the highway commission

has already determined
where that freeway is going,

and you will not sway
them, even if you take

that "cr*cker barrel" philosophy
of yours and set it to music!

I think that is a very
unfair attitude, Mr. Mooney!

If you had...

Set it to music.

♪ Da-da, dum, da-da, dum ♪

♪ Da-da, dum, da-da, dum... ♪

- (tuba joins in)
- (Lucy continues singing)

MR. MOONEY: Mrs.
Carmichael, will you stop!

Stop? I haven't
even started yet!

Well, it is apparent
by this meager turnout

that the majority
of the townspeople

are in favor of a
freeway in Bancroft.

Therefore, I officially proclaim

- (whistle blows, drum b*ating)
- the approval...

- (band playing)
- (excited chatter)

♪♪

♪♪

(percussion playing)

(whole band playing)

♪ There's a place that I know ♪

♪ I remember long ago ♪

♪ Known as Main Street, USA ♪

OTHERS: ♪ Hey! ♪

- ♪ What a thrill ♪
- ♪ What a treat ♪

♪ Every time you put your feet ♪

♪ On the pavement
of Main Street, USA ♪

- ♪ Hey! ♪
- ♪ Not a big thoroughfare ♪

♪ Ah, but you didn't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you walked
round the square ♪

♪ And your
neighbors were there ♪

♪ And you see all the sights ♪

♪ That you'd seen there before ♪

♪ From the livery stable
to the old drugstore ♪

♪ Life was sweet,
life was slow ♪

♪ You would greet
someone you know ♪

♪ And you'd pass
the time of day ♪

♪ When your heart's in a rut ♪

♪ Don't you ever wonder
whatever happened ♪

♪ To Main Street, USA? ♪

♪ Hey, by the way, are you
wishin' what I'm wishin'? ♪

♪ What do you say
we get together ♪

♪ And sign a big petition? ♪

♪ To preserve a wonderful
American tradition ♪

♪ Main Street, USA! ♪

♪♪

♪ There's Farmer Brown ♪

♪ He came to town ♪

♪ To sell a wagonload of wheat ♪

♪ Before the price goes down ♪

♪ And what do you know ♪

- ♪ There's Uncle Joe ♪
- ♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ They say that he's a
hundred and five or so ♪

♪ I know, I know ♪

♪ Oh, what a sight ♪

♪ On a Saturday night ♪

♪ Every light shining
bright as can be ♪

♪ Isn't it fun to reminisce ♪

♪ And isn't it kind of
sad that this is just ♪

♪ A memory? ♪

♪♪

(band pauses)

(band resumes)

(band pauses)

(band resumes)

(band pauses)

♪ There's a place that I know ♪

♪ I remember long ago ♪

♪ Known as Main Street, USA ♪

♪ What a thrill, what a treat ♪

♪ Every time you put your feet ♪

♪ On the pavement
of Main Street, USA ♪

♪ Hey, by the way ♪

♪ Are you wishin'
what I'm wishin'? ♪

♪ What do you say
we get together ♪

♪ And sign the big petition? ♪

♪ Let's preserve a
wonderful American tradition ♪

♪ Main... ♪

♪ Street... ♪

♪ U... ♪

♪ S... ♪

♪ A... ♪

♪ Hey! ♪