06x01 - Lucy Meets the Berles

[bunniefuu]

[ANNOUNCER READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]

ANNOUNCER:
Co-starring Gale Gordon.

[GROANING]

[DOORBELL RINGING]

LUCY: Oh, no.

Oh.

[DOORBELL CONTINUES RINGING]

All right. Just a minute.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

Hold your horses.

- Hey.
- Oh, it's you.

Yeah. Hey, I've got the most
wonderful news for you, Lucy.

Good, I can use some.

Are you still looking for a
chance to make extra money?

Well, I sure am.

If I don't make a payment on
my television set this month,

I'll be back to eating my TV
dinners in front of my radio.

- Your problems are over.
- Oh?

One of the producers at our
studio is looking for a secretary

to work at his house
over the weekend.

That sounds wonderful.

- Guess who the producer is?
- Who?

Milton Berle.

Milton Berle. The comedian?

It's Milton Berle the producer now.
He's producing a motion picture.

Oh, he doesn't have his
television show anymore.

- Does he?
- No.

Aw, the poor soul. I guess
he needed a steady job.

Well, I'll help him all I can.

Oh, he's a wonderful man.

MILTON: Okay, Miss
Evans, uh, when he comes in

will you tell him that
Milton Berle called?

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Ruth? Ruth?

Yes, dear.

Darling, uh,

- did that secretary get here yet?
- No, not yet.

While you're waiting for her to
come, I wish you'd eat some breakfast.

Honey, I'm too busy. I'm working
on the budget for the picture.

Well, you shouldn't
be too busy to eat.

You've been working night and
day. What are you trying to prove?

Oh, I happen to love show
business and I wanna make good.

- Make good?
- Yeah.

Are you kidding? You've
had a very successful career.

What? As a comedian?

Now, Ruth, when a man matures,

he wants the kind of
success that brings respect.

I mean, when you meet people
today and you talk about Berle,

what's the best thing they can say?
He's funny, he's funny, he's funny.

Well, I'm out to prove
that Berle is not funny.

That's not a nice thing to say.

I didn't say anything.

That's what hurts. You
love me too much to say it.

Of course I love you.

That's why I hate to see you working
so hard, taking on all this hard work.

- Don't start again.
- You've had enough success

in show business
to satisfy anyone.

I mean, vaudeville, movies,
television, nightclubs.

Why do you want
to be a producer?

Don't you understand,
Ruth, dear? I wanna grow.

- Then you ought to stop smoking.
- I was...

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
[DOORBELL RINGING]

Would you answer
the door, please?

- Hello, I'm Mrs. Carmichael.
- Mr. Berle's been waiting for you.

Oh. Well, I...

I sure am looking forward
to meeting Mr. Berle.

- May I take your coat?
- Oh, thank you.

My... You know, I'm
a very big fan of his.

Once I sent him a letter and he
sent me an autographed picture.

Well, now you can
meet him in person.

- Oh. Heh.
- Mrs. Carmichael, this is Mr. Berle.

- How do you do?
- Oh, Mr. Berle.

I can't tell you how
happy I am to meet you.

- I'm one of your biggest fans.
- Oh, you're putting me on.

No, I'm not. You
can ask your maid.

[MILTON CHUCKLES]

- This is Mrs. Berle.
- Oh.

Oh, I'm terribly
sorry. I apologize.

That's all right. Don't
apologize, I'm still his maid.

I have some shopping
to do. I'll see you later.

- All right, darling.
- Goodbye, Mrs. Berle.

Don't spend too
much money, honey.

- Come on, we'd better get to work.
- Yes.

Like a gag I used to do. All
play and no work makes no jack.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, that's funny.

It wasn't... It
wasn't that funny.

Oh, you're always
funny to me, Mr. Berle.

You know something,
I used to just love

when you dressed
up as a hillbilly

and you wore those
funny clothes and you went:

[MIMICKING HILLBILLY CHARACTER]

You remember that?
I used to just die.

Oh, I remember once
you dressed up like a seal.

You were wonderful. You went:

[MIMICKING SEAL GRUNTING]

You were a riot.

Thank you very much, but
I'd like to get some work done.

- Oh, yes, sir.
- Will you sit down here, please?

I just know working with
you is going to be a ball.

Thank you. When you're
ready, I'd like to dictate a letter

- to my director, Mr. Lou Jackson.
- Yes, sir. I'm ready, sir.

Say, dear Lou, regarding,
uh, your letter of the th...

[LUCY LAUGHS]

What are you laughing at?

Well, you always make me laugh.

What's so funny about,
"Regarding your letter of the th"?

[LAUGHING]

Uh, Mrs. Carmichael, will you
please tell me what's so funny?

Oh, I don't know, it's
the way you say things.

All I said was, "Regarding
your letter of the th."

I know, I know.

And you look like a
rabbit when you talk.

- Let's get back to work.
- Yes, sir.

I loved, uh, your suggestions.

I think we should get Robert
Wagner to play the part of the pilot.

- Oh, Robert Wagner is very good.
- Thank you.

If you have any other ideas
on this, let me hear from you.

Well, I'll think
about it tonight.

- I was dictating.
- Oh. Oh.

Just sign that, "Yours truly."

- Will you do that for me?
- Yes, sir.

And now I have a
personal letter to get out.

And it goes to this
address, right here.

Mr. Marvin Caine,
Beverly House of Fashion.

That's right. I wanna
order something for my wife.

Next week is our anniversary.

- Oh, congratulations.
- Thank you very much.

- Dear Marvin...
- What anniversary is it, Mr. Berle?

- Our th.
- Oh.

- Yeah. Dear Marvin, next week is my...
- Where did you meet Mrs. Berle?

It was a blind date. Some friends
brought her to my television show.

I can still see her sitting
out in the audience that night.

She was wearing a beautiful
black velvet gown trimmed in ermine,

and a string of pearls
with matching earrings.

Oh.

That was our first date. And, by
the way, that was our first fight.

- Your first fight.
- Yes.

Well, what did you fight about?

I came out on the stage
wearing the same outfit.

Oh, my goodness.

Well, if you had a
fight on your first date,

how did you ever get together?

Would you really like to know?

- Oh, I'd love to know.
- A dozen roses did the trick.

Oh, that was sweet.

Yes, it was the first time
anyone ever sent me flowers.

- Wrapped in a girdle.
- Wrapped in a girdle.

Oh, what a sense of
humor your wife has.

That's true. That's why I
begged her to marry me.

- You begged her to marry you?
- Yes, I did.

Where else could I get a part

where the baggy pants comic
winds up with the lovely leading lady?

Oh, what a nice thing to say.

- Dear Marvin.
- I already have that.

Anything wrong?

Oh, no. I just think the way you
feel about Mrs. Berle is very touching.

- Well, she's my wife.
- Yeah, I know, I know.

But you hear about Hollywood
and Hollywood marriages, you know,

and I've heard that sometimes
stars are so involved with themselves

that they're just not capable
of loving anyone else.

Heh. That's ridiculous.
Look how I love Marvin.

I've called him "dear"
six times already.

Oh, ha, ha. I'm
sorry, I'm sorry.

Dear Marvin, next week is
my th wedding anniversary

and I would like to order
something very special for Ruth.

A black velvet gown,
trimmed in ermine,

and a nice strand of pearls
with matching earrings.

Oh, Mr. Berle, what
a beautiful thought.

Getting the same outfit she
wore on her first date with you.

Oh, no wonder you have
such a great marriage.

- You're so sweet and so kind.
- No, no, no,

Mrs. Carmichael, Ruth is
the one who's sweet and kind.

Seeing that I eat right,
that I don't work too hard.

Sitting out in the audience
and laughing at all my jokes.

Believe me, that takes
loyalty, real loyalty.

Especially some of the
jokes I told in Kansas City.

Do you know, Mrs.
Carmichael, whenever I'm sick,

she brings me hot chicken
soup. And when I have a fever,

she brings me frozen chicken
soup and puts it on my head.

Uh, that's one of the jokes
I told in Kansas City. Heh.

And she laughed?

- She even applauded.
- Oh, she really loves you.

That's why I try
to make her happy.

And on our anniversary, I'll
spring the gown and the pearls

and the earrings all in such a
way, that it'll be a complete surprise.

How? What are you gonna do?

I'll come down the stairs
wearing the whole outfit.

- Oh, Mr. Berle, that's beautiful.
- I really think that's going to do it...

- Oh, you're a wonderful couple.
- Thank you.

Sorry, I got so wrapped up
in work, I forgot about lunch.

I'll heat some tea and I'm gonna
look for something for a sandwich.

Well, now, look, Mr. Berle,
you have a lot of work to do.

- How about letting me fix lunch?
- Think you can find your way around?

Oh, sure. I love to look in
other people's refrigerators.

Really? I'm a medicine
chest man myself.

[LAUGHS]

- Oh, Mr. Berle, you're funny.
- Thank you.

Oh, look here.

Some beautiful tomatoes
and lettuce and...

Oh, you know something, I
make a wonderful Caesar salad.

- You do?
- Yeah. Better than Julius.

Caesar salad, better
than Julius. That's funny.

- Funny. Ha, ha.
- Ha, ha.

Do you know where I can
find a very large salad bowl?

- I'll find you one. I'll find you one.
- Any kind.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

- What's that?
- It's the front door.

- Oh, I'll get it.
- Yeah.

- Hello.
- Oh!

Oh, it's Ruta Lee,
the movie star.

Well, just don't
stand there. Let her in.

Oh.

Ruta, you'll have to
excuse my secretary.

She didn't mean
to k*ll your entrance.

She just gets excited
about movie stars.

Well, it's good
to see you, Ruta.

- Ruta is a friend of the family.
- Oh.

MILTON: Uh, let's sit down...

Oh, yes. Uh, Ruta, this is
my secretary, Mrs. Carmichael.

- Hello.
- How do you do, Miss Lee?

I'm so glad to meet you. I
go to see all of your movies.

- You do?
- Yes. Some I see two and three times.

- Well, thank you.
- I never get enough of you, Miss Lee.

I just wish you were old enough

to have some of your
pictures on the late, late show.

[LAUGHS]

- Oh, that's very flattering.
- Heh. To me it isn't.

Let's sit down and
get comfortable.

Oh, uh... Oh, excuse me,
I have some water boiling.

- Milton.
- Yes, dear?

- Where's Ruth?
- Oh, Ruth, she's out shopping.

Oh. Now, what is all this I hear
about your being a producer?

That's true, darling. I'm
producing a great one.

The picture's called
The Friendly Sky.

And the reason I had you come
over here, there's a part in it for you

- that would be just perfect.
- Oh, really? What's it like?

Well, it's a very
dramatic part about a girl

who becomes involved
with a married man.

Oh, Milton, that
doesn't sound like me.

I never play the other woman.
I always play wholesome parts.

You know, the girl next door.

That's why it will be
good for you. It's different.

Look, instead of
me trying to sell you,

how about, uh, Ruta,
reading a scene with me?

I have it right here.
Uh, turn to page .

I don't come in until page ?

The early pages are all about
you. They build up your entrance.

Oh.

Now, honey, the scene starts
where you say, "Where's your wife?"

All right. Let me
just look this over.

Uh, by the way, my
secretary's fixing some lunch.

- Will you join us?
- Fine.

How about a cup of tea?

- Oh, I'd love some.
- Okay.

Mrs. Carmichael?

- What? MILTON: Mrs. Carmichael.

Yeah, where are you?

MILTON: I'm talking on the
intercom. Can you hear me?

Oh, yes. You're
coming in loud and clear.

Miss Lee is going
to join us for lunch.

- Oh, really?
- Yes. And we'd like a cup of tea now.

Oh, roger.

How about it,
beautiful, are you ready?

All right, Milton.

Now...

Where is your wife?

MILTON [OVER INTERCOM]:
Who cares about my wife?

We're alone.

RUTA [OVER INTERCOM]: Darling,
it's so wonderful to see you again.

MILTON: Not nearly as
wonderful as it is for me to see you.

RUTA: What a shame that we
have to steal these precious moments.

MILTON: I treasure
every one of them.

But what about your wife? Are
you sure she doesn't suspect?

My wife is too
stupid to suspect.

I've been trying to
get rid of her for years.

Darling, let's not
talk about her.

Just cuddle close and let
my lips caress your loveliness.

RUTA: Oh, my love, my pet.

It's no use. I can't
go on sharing you.

I can't, I can't. I can't!

Mrs. Carmichael, what happened?

I dropped the cream pitcher.

Well, no use crying
over spilt milk.

That's very funny.

[LAUGHS MOCKINGLY]

That's very funny.

Ruta, that's a wonderful
part for you, am I right?

Oh, I don't know, Milton,
I'll have to think about this.

I don't believe it.

I can't believe it.

Thank you, darling.

[MOUTHS]

Thank you. Sugar?

Mrs. Carmichael, I said sugar.

Oh, I thought you
were talking to her.

Uh, one lump, please.

- Oh, Mrs. Carmichael?
LUCY: Yes?

Would you mind giving
me a couple of lumps?

I would love to.

- So sorry. RUTA: That's
all right. No harm done.

I'll serve your lunch as
soon as it's ready, sir.

MILTON: Mrs. Carmichael.
- Yes, sir?

Would you, uh, care
to join us in some tea?

Oh, I wouldn't think of
intruding on your privacy.

She's a wonderful secretary.

And she makes a Caesar
salad better than Julius. Heh.

Milton, that's a
very funny line.

It's mine.

I just can't believe it.

I thought he was
such a nice man.

Imagine that. I used to
laugh at him all the time.

I'll never laugh at him
again, I can tell you that.

Flirting around with another woman
when he's got such a wonderful wife.

Makes me sick.

He ought to be ashamed
of himself, that's what.

- Hi, Mrs. Carmichael.
- Oh, hi, Mrs. Berle.

What's Mr. Berle got you doing?

[STAMMERING] Oh, uh,
I'm just fixing him some lunch.

That's very nice of
you. Where is Mr. Berle?

Uh, he's inside with
a friend of the family?

- A friend of the family?
- Miss Ruta Lee.

Oh, how nice.

Milton's been wanting to get
together with Ruta for a long time.

Well, he got together
with her, all right.

I think I'll go in
and say hello.

Oh, no, no, they're very
busy, they're very busy in there.

I don't think you should go in.

Uh, you've been
busy too, haven't you?

- Yes, I've been doing some shopping.
- Yeah.

I've bought Milton a
surprise anniversary gift.

Oh, how nice.

- Oh, I think I'll just poke my head in.
- No, don't poke.

No. Uh, so you got
him a surprise gift, huh?

Yes.

- I bought him a new golf bag.
- Oh, that's wonderful.

Sometimes a man gets tired of
going around with the same old bag.

I mean... Uh...

I mean, it's nice when
a man has two ba...

That's a good gift.

- I think I'll let Milton know I'm home.
- No, don't let him know you're home.

You better stay right
out here. Don't go in there

because he'll come out here

and he might see your
gift. You better hide it.

- You really ought to hide this.
- Well...

It's a beautiful gift. You
don't want him to see it.

He might come out here.
Why don't you hide it upstairs?

- Maybe you're right.
- Yeah, I know I'm right.

You know, I'm glad you're
fixing Milton some lunch.

He needs to keep
up his strength.

- Well?
- Milton, I just don't think

- this part is right for me.
- Why not?

Well, like I said, I've never
played the other woman before.

Now, the public accepts
me in a certain image

and I just don't think I can
be convincing in this role.

Convincing? Are you
kidding? Ruta, you'd be great.

Do you think I'd let you do
anything that might hurt your image

or jeopardize your career
just to get you in my picture?

- Yes, I do.
- Well, that's beside the point.

Now, Ruta, please, will you take
the script home, get the feel of it,

then come over Monday night,
have dinner with Ruth and me,

and we can discuss it, huh?

Well, all right, I'll take the script, but
I can't possibly be here Monday night,

because Monday night you and
Ruth are coming over to my house.

I'm having a little dinner party in
honor of your th wedding anniversary.

That's wonderful, darling.

And maybe sometime
during the evening

you and I could sneak off together
someplace and discuss things.

RUTA: All right.

- Mr. Berle?
- Yes, Mrs. Carmichael.

- May I toss the salad?
- Please do.

[RUTA SHRIEKS]

What's...? What's the big idea?
What are you, some kind of a nut?

You're the one who's
some kind of a nut!

Married years to a wonderful
wife, a wife who worries about you,

brings you chicken
soup when you're sick

and laughs at your stale
jokes in Kansas City,

and what thanks does she get?

You call her stupid and
carry on with another woman.

- Another woman?
- Me?

Don't act so innocent,
you teeny bopper, you.

I heard you over the intercom.

"Just cuddle close, let my
lips caress your loveliness.

Oh, my love, oh, my pet,
I can't go on sharing you.

I can't, I can't, I can't."

"Caress your loveliness"?
Are you crazy or something?

That was a scene we were
rehearsing from his picture.

- My new picture.
- Your picture. Ha!

A likely story.

You listen to me.

- Listen to you? I can't see you.
- Listen to me.

What is this, Mrs.
Carmichael? What is this?

You can't fool me like
you fool your stupid wife.

Stupid wife?

Did somebody call me?

Ruth, Ruth.

I thought you gave up comedy.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Mrs. Berle.

I tried to keep all of this
from you, you poor little thing.

Now, Ruth, this is an
entire misunderstanding.

- I'll say it is.
- Yes, yes.

Mrs. Carmichael overheard
us rehearsing a love scene

- and she believed it.
- You bet I believed it.

I heard every word you
said. You're not kidding me.

Now, will you stop
that? Give me that.

This is a script. This is a
script that we're reading.

- Don't you see these lines?
- What script?

"Caress me, my love, let
me caress your loveliness."

"My love, my pet, I
can't bear to share you."

Yeah, read it! Read it!

Oh.

- Oh, I'm sorry. I apologize.
- Ah.

LUCY: Oh, good heavens.

But when I heard it over the
intercom it all sounded so real.

You were so convincing. Oh, I
don't know what came over me.

I know what came over me.

Mr. Berle, can you
ever forgive me?

Forgive you? Mrs. Carmichael...

Mrs. Carmichael,

I'll not only forgive you, but
I wanna tell you, I love you.

- You love me?
- Yeah.

Because you believed
Ruta as the other woman.

Now, Ruta, this ought to convince
you that you can play the part.

[RUTA LAUGHS]

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Oh, this is wonderful.

MILTON: Yes.

Well, this is crazy.

- This is show
business. MILTON: Yeah.

Hey, let's all have some lunch.

We'll have some lunch
because the salad's on me.

[ANNOUNCER READS ON-SCREEN TEXT]