06x03 - Lucy and the French Movie Star

[bunniefuu]

[ANNOUNCER READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]

Co-starring Gale Gordon.

[SIGHS]

- Good morning, Mr. Mooney.
- Good morning.

- Do you have the mail?
- Oh, I certainly have, right here.

I've been waiting for it, you
know. You're late, you're late.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Open this one.

- It looks important.
- Yes, sir.

Better open that one too.

Why you can't get here
on time, I'll never know.

- I'm sorry, Mr. Mooney.
- I'm always on time, never late.

Not me. I'm here right
on the spot, all the time.

- Yes. Oh, I wonder why.
- Wow!

[MOONEY YELLS]

Wow, what?

This letter is from Mr. Cheever.

Oh, Mr. Cheever. Ah.
Oh? Does he want to know

how I'm handling things
here while he's back East?

- No.
- No.

No, listen to this.

"Dear Mooney,
Monsieur Jacques Duprez

will arrive in Los
Angeles on Monday,

and I have suggested that
he visit you in your office."

He's coming here.
He's coming right here.

"His company is scheduled to
produce pictures in Hollywood.

I am most hopeful you
can land the account.

Yours truly, Mr. Cheever."
What do you think of that?

Well, I'm delighted to have the
opportunity to accommodate him.

Are you a fan of his too?

As long as he is
president of this bank,

I will be a fan
of Mr. Cheever's.

I meant are you a fan
of Jacques Duprez?

Who is Jacques Duprez?

Who is Jacques Du...?

Why, he's one of the most
famous movie stars in France.

What...? Uh, when is
this movie star coming?

He arrives on
Monday. That's today.

- He might be here any minute.
- Oh. Oh, yes, any minute.

Uh, well, pick up the letters.

- The place looks like a mess.
- Yes.

For heaven's sake, we want
to make a good impression.

And hurry up.

[KNOCKING]

Come in.

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

[GASPS]

It's him, it's him, it's
him. It's Jacques Duprez.

Down, Mrs. Carmichael, down.

Monsieur Mooney?

[SPEAKING IN BROKEN FRENCH]

What did he say?

I think it's French.

Does he speak English?

- Well, of course I do.
- Oh, good, so do I.

MOONEY: Oh, ho.
- Me too.

Oh. Uh, Mrs.
Carmichael, my secretary.

- Hello.
- Oh, thank you.

I mean, uh, I'm very
happy to meet you.

JACQUES: The
pleasure is all mine.

[LUCY CHUCKLES]

Oh, ha, ha.

I have two of them.

Oh...

- Uh, won't you sit down, Mr. Duprez?
- Oh, thank you.

[MOONEY CLEARS THROAT]

Let go of him.

Oh. Uh, Mrs. Carmichael is such
a big fan, she gets carried away.

- Oh, I am flattered.
- Yeah.

Mr. Cheever wrote me
a letter and told me...

Will you go and sit down?

Mr. Cheever told me you might be
interested in the services of our bank.

- That's right.
- Well, wonderful.

I can assure you that all of our
facilities are at your command.

Yeah. Ha, ha.

I'll handle this.

Now, what can I do for you?

I have a few checks drawn
on my bank in France,

and I wonder if you
would cash them for me?

Well, I'll take care of the
matter immediately. Yes, indeed.

- Oh. Thank you.
- It would be a pleasure.

- Mrs. Carmichael?
- Yes, sir.

Perhaps Mr. Duprez might like to
look at a magazine while I'm gone?

Oh.

Oh, I must say, it's a great
pleasure having you here in my office.

Thank you, Mr. Mooney.

- I was talking to him.
- Oh.

Mr. Duprez, I have
a fan magazine here

and it has a
picture of you in it.

Would you give me
your autograph, please?

- Oh, I'd be delighted to.
- Here, here's a pen.

Your name is Mrs. Carmichael?

Oh, would you
make it out to Lucy?

Oh, uh, well, let's see.

How about if I write, uh,
"Warmest regards to Lucy"?

- Fine.
- Uh...

"Whose, uh, irresistible
charm and intoxicating beauty

incites the hearts of men to
overflow with romantic inclinations."

Oh! Ha, ha.

Oh, that's lovely.

[LUCY CHUCKLES]

Oh, well, would you write it in
French? I wanna show it to my mother.

Oh, is your mother French?

No, she's old-fashioned Irish.
That's why you better write it in French.

Oh, you know something, I saw
you three times in Kisses at Dawn.

Oh, did you like the picture?

Oh, yes, yes, I just loved
it, but you know something,

I was absolutely
terrified at the scene

where the lion tamer got sick
and you had to take his place.

Oh, yes, that was an
exciting scene, huh?

- Was it a real lion?
- Of course.

Weren't you scared?

No, no, no, because you see,

before the lion was
brought into the cage,

the director insisted
on using tranquilizers.

Tranquilizers. Oh,
they doped the lion.

No, me.

Oh. Oh, well, I still
think they were crazy,

putting a big star like you
in a cage with a real lion.

Oh, no, see, because the
lion tamer told me what to do.

- Oh. What'd he say?
- Yes, well, you see, I had a whip.

- Uh-huh.
- See? And I had a chair.

- Oh.
- Now, the idea is to confuse the lion.

- Oh, really?
- Yes.

Now, you do that
by yelling. Aah!

Oh! Uh-huh.

And by cracking the
whip to distract him.

- Like this.
- Oh, yes, yes.

Yes, I've seen
them do this, yeah.

- Now, when the lion raises his paw...
- Uh-huh.

You raise the chair
to block off his vision.

- Oh. Uh-huh.
- You see?

Now, take your
hand and claw at me.

- Oh, you mean, make like a lion?
- Right.

Oh. Ha, ha.

[LUCY GROWLING
& JACQUES YELLING]

Oh, no, no, no!

Oh, Monsieur Duprez,
oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Please accept my apologies.

Oh, I knew that one day this
teenage senior citizen would flip.

No, no, monsieur,
this is not her fault.

- Huh?
- No, no, no.

I was just explaining to her
how I once played the role

of a lion tamer in
a motion picture.

- You see?
- Oh. Oh.

- Oh. Here's your money, Mr. Duprez.
- Oh. Oh, thank you.

- Excuse me.
- Oh, thank you.

Well, let's get down to
business, shall we, Mr. Duprez?

Mr. Cheever tells me that
your company's going to make

- a picture here in Hollywood.
- That's right.

Well, our bank has had a
lot of experience in that field.

I'm sure you'd be more than
satisfied with our services.

- I'd be quite interested.
- Wonderful.

Then all we need from you
is a formal letter of agreement

and we can close
the deal right now.

Fine, fine, but I must go
back to my hotel right now.

- I'm expecting a few calls from Europe.
- Oh.

Oh, but, uh, perhaps you could
send a secretary to my hotel

and I could dictate
the agreement.

Yes, indeed, of course I could.
And I have just the girl for you.

Oh, Mr. Mooney, you're a doll.

Not you.

I could go over
on my lunch hour.

MOONEY: Now, Mrs. Carmichael...
- But, Mr. Mooney,

it's my lunch hour, and I'm really
a very fine secretary, Mr. Duprez.

Well, I'd be delighted
to have Mrs. Carmichael.

See?

Well, of course, anything
you say, Mr. Duprez.

But I hope it's not unfair to ask
you to come on your lunch hour

- and work at the hotel with me.
- It is my pleasure.

Oh. You are so nice,
you are so, so generous.

I don't know what to say.

I just hope you won't be
saying, "Yankee, go home."

I beg your pardon?

Uh, Mr. Duprez, what
hotel are you staying at?

- The Plaza Royale.
- The Plaza Royale.

I'll be there at : .

Good. And while we are
working, I will order some lunch.

Oh, some lunch with you?
Oh, how wonderful. Oh, ha, ha.

- Okay. Thank you so much.
- Oh, my pleasure, sir, I assure you.

- Thank you.
- Uh, arrivederci.

So long.

[GASPS]

Oh, Mr. Mooney, hasn't
this been a morning?

Yes, and before
it's completely sh*t,

let's get to answering
the mail, shall we?

Well, can't we do it this afternoon?
I have to get over to the hotel.

- You're not due there until : .
- Well, I have to go home first.

- Why?
- I don't want him to see me like this.

Get back to your desk.

But, Mr. Mooney,
I wanna go home...

- Get back! Get back!
- To change my clothes!

[BOTH SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

That's right, we'll be in
production in about ten days.

Fine. Bye.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- I'm sorry I'm a little late.
- Oh, it's all right. It's all right.

Oh.

- You look lovely.
- Oh, thank you, I...

I like to be comfortable
when I work,

so I just ran home and
tossed on this little old thing.

- Very chic.
- Thank you.

- Please come in, sit down.
- Oh.

I will order some lunch.

Oh, are you sure you wouldn't
rather get some work done first?

No, I have a better idea. First
we will drink some champagne.

Champagne? Well... Ha, ha.

Château Bergerac.

Oh.

.

Uh, ' ? Oh. That
was a very good year.

- Uh, but what about our work?
- Oh, it will still be here.

That's one thing about
work, it never runs away.

- Touché.
- You speak French?

- Well, I do, don't I? Ha, ha.
- Ha, ha.

- Here.
- Oh, thank you, thank you.

My, my, I've worked
for a lot of people,

but I've never had a job that
you drank champagne on.

Well, a secretary as charming
as you invites hospitality.

Oh, thank you.
Ha, ha. Thank you.

- Good?
- Oh, it's delicious.

Oh.

Gee, when I saw
you in the movies,

I never dreamed that I'd
be sitting here with you,

drinking champagne
and talking French. Ha, ha.

Well, c'est la vie.

- Pardon?
- C'est la vie.

Oh, um, uh,
hinky-dinky parlez-vous.

I was thirsty.

That sure beats a coffee break.

Well, I am glad that
you are enjoying yourself.

- Here.
- Mercy.

You mean to say merci.

No, I meant mercy. I know
what this stuff can do to you.

- Touché.
- Oh, thank you.

That's the first time
anyone ever touché'd me.

[BOTH LAUGH]

You know that you have a
delightful sense of humor?

Yes, I know.

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

Hmm?

[JACQUES SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

Uh...

Mademoiselle from Armentières.

Good, eh?

It's very good.

Oh, uh... Uh...

Monsieur Duprez, I don't think I'd
better have any more champagne.

We do have, ahem, work to do.

Oh, uh...

Would you rather I
dictate Mr. Mooney's letter

- before we have lunch?
- Yes.

Yes, I think so. I believe I've
wasted enough of your time.

- Ahem.
- Oh.

A fascinating woman
is never a waste of time.

Me, fascinating? Oh, ha, ha.

No, really, really, I find
you very, very attractive.

On the little bit
you've had to drink?

- Lucy?
- What?

- You know something?
- What?

You're such a
delightful little pixie.

Oh. Ha, ha.

You know, you know
what I like about you?

- What?
- You sure know how to treat help.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, and I do dig these
crazy fringe benefits.

Well, we'd, uh, better
get started with our work.

- Oh. All right.
- Whatever you're going to do.

[CHUCKLES]

I, uh... I'm ready.

Let's see, we'll start, uh...

Hic. Oh.

- I beg your pardon.
- Yes, that's okay.

- Let's see...
- Hic. Oh.

Oh, my. I have
really got... Hic.

I got them. I've
got the hiccups.

Oh, I'm terribly embarrassed.

Oh, but I know how
to get rid of them.

Let's see, now, they said take
ten or swallows of something

and hold your nose.
Yeah, that was it.

[CLEARS THROAT]

There, that ought to
do it. Where are you?

Here, here, here.

Oh. Heh.

- Oh.
- Uh, you feel better?

I feel fine.

Good. All right, let's get
on with the dictation, huh?

Alrighty.

All right. Um...

Address the letter to your boss.

Dear sir.

The following, uh...

No, the following is a
letter of agreement...

- Monsieur Duprez?
- Yes?

Did you say address
this letter to my boss?

Yes.

What's his name?

Mr. Mooney.

Ha! That's right. That's right.

- The following...
- How can you remember that

with all I've had to drink?

- Huh?
- All right.

The following is a
letter of agreement

between the Duprez
Production Company and...

I don't know what's the
matter. I can't believe this.

What is it?

This has never happened before.

My ballpoint pen has
never failed me before.

You've got it upside down.

So I have.

There.

- Are you ready?
- For what?

Ahem. Um...

I think you'd better
have some black coffee.

- Black coffee?
- It will make you feel better.

I am perfectly all right.

I assure you I'm doing my job.

I am a very competary secretant.

Yes, of course you are, but if you
are going to try to take dictation,

I think better you should
have some black coffee.

I don't need any black coffee.

I'll be all right, if you'll
just hold the room still.

[SINGING] Darling,
je vous aime beaucoup

Je ne sais pas what to do

[LAUGHS]

Whoa.

You know what? I've never
been on such a big boat before.

- Boat?
- Yeah, what time do you sail?

Sail?

You know, the last time I saw
somebody off, I wound up in Catalina.

I'd better get off here before
they pull up the gangplank.

Bon voyage.

- What about the letter?
- The letter?

Aw, yeah.

Yes, the letter, the letter.

Don't forget to write.

[SINGING] Darling,
je vous aime beaucoup

Je ne sais pas, scooby doo

Hello, Mooney.

Mr. Cheever, sir. I didn't
expect you back so soon.

- Well, that's the jet age for you.
- Oh, yes, yes.

Now tell me, did you get my
letter regarding Monsieur Duprez?

Oh, yes, yes, I did, and he
was in my office this morning.

I hope you made a good
impression upon him.

This could be the
biggest deal of the year.

Oh, yes. I think I did,
sir. As a matter of fact,

my secretary is over at his hotel
right now, getting a letter of agreement.

When she gets back with
that letter, the deal is in the bag.

Oh, that's fine. Good boy. I
knew I could count on you.

- Oh, thank you.
- How about a cigar?

[SINGING] Darling,
je vous aime beaucoup

[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

Mrs. Carmichael.

Oh, hi, Mr. Mooney.

Mr. Cheever.

Hi, bank. Hi, world.

I think she's high.

MOONEY: Mrs. Carmichael?
- Yes?

I trust you kept your
appointment with Mr. Duprez?

I sure did.

[MOONEY GRUNTS]

- Mrs. Carmichael.
- Yeah?

- You have been drinking.
- No.

Only a little champagne. .

[SINGING] And it
was a very good year

Mooney, if she has
caused any embarrassment

with Monsieur Duprez, I am
going to hold you responsible.

Ah, ah, ah.

Monsieur Duprez said that I
was very charming company.

Well, never mind that,
just give me the letter.

Hmm?

Give me the letter.

What letter?

BOTH: What letter?!

I asked you first.

I sent you to get a
letter of agreement.

Oh, that letter.

I didn't get it.

[MOONEY GASPS]

A fine way to lose
an important client.

Mooney, we'll discuss
this in my office at once.

I'll be waiting for you.

Now you see what you've done?

Well, you didn't give
me a chance to explain.

The only thing I
will give you is a little

pink slip to go with
your little pink eyes.

- What do you mean by that?
- You are fired!

- Oh, Mr. Mooney.
- Now, you start cleaning out your desk,

and by the time I get back,
you had better be gone!

[MOONEY GRUNTS]

By the time I get back,
you had better be gone!

I'll be gone, all right.

I should have gotten out
of here a long time ago.

Don't have to ask me twice.

I can get along
without you, you know.

I'll collect my
unemployment insurance.

Be the first time I got
a raise in two years.

[YELLING]

Oh, Mr. Duprez.

I was worried about you
after you jumped ship.

Ha-ha-ha. Oh.

Yes. We have a little, uh,
unfinished business, haven't we?

- Oh?
- Yes.

- Here is the letter.
- Oh, that letter.

The most ungrateful man
I've ever come across in my life.

Slaving my fingers
to the bone...

[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]

And another thing, do not
expect a letter of reference.

- No.
- Just pack up and go... Oh.

- Monsieur Duprez.
- Oh, Mr. Duprez.

I dropped in to give Mrs.
Carmichael the letter of agreement.

Oh, the letter, yes.

- We got it.
- Yes.

Well, Monsieur
Duprez, I am delighted.

Sir, how would you like to have
lunch with Mr. Mooney and me?

Well, I'm sorry, gentlemen,

but I already have an engagement
for lunch with Mrs. Carmichael.

Mrs. Carmichael?

Oh. Ha, ha.

But remember, no more champagne.

Oh, of course not. You've
had too much already.

Oh, Mr. Mooney.

Mr. Mooney, while I'm gone,
would you tidy up my desk?

What?!

You heard her, tidy up her desk!

[SINGING] Darling,
je vous aime beaucoup

Je ne sais pas, scooby doo

[ANNOUNCER READS ON-SCREEN TEXT]