06x05 - Lucy Gets Her Diploma

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Lucy Show". Aired: October 1, 1962 – March 11, 1968.*
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Widow Lucy Carmichael raises her children and shares her home with divorcee friend Vivien.
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06x05 - Lucy Gets Her Diploma

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[ANNOUNCER READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]

ANNOUNCER:
Co-starring Gale Gordon.

Here we are.

Oh. Dinner was just great, Lucy.

- Thanks for inviting me.
- Oh, it's a pleasure, Doris.

You know, I don't get
to see enough of you.

Oh, I know, it's
been ages. Well...

Oh. Oh, pardon, but I forgot to turn
on the set, and I don't want to miss him.

- Miss who?
- Mr. Mooney.

- Mr. Mooney?
- Yeah.

How come he's
appearing on television?

Well, it's a public-service program,
and Mr. Mooney is being interviewed.

Yippee. We're in for a
real swinging evening.

Oh. Lucy, do we
have to watch him?

I do. There is an old
Chinese proverb that says:

"When boss appears on
television, secretary better watch,

or next day, boss
get new secretary."

Yeah, but we're missing The
Slimy Monster From Outer Space.


It's a wonderful horror picture.

Well, believe me, Mr. Mooney
will be just as horrible.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

Oh. There he is.

Say, Mr. Mooney looks
pretty good on television.

That's the slimy monster.
I got the wrong channel.

There. There it is.

MAN [ON TV]: And now, ladies and
gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure


to present our guest,
Mr. Theodore J. Mooney.


- Good evening, Mr. Mooney.
MOONEY [ON TV]: Good evening.

My topic for
tonight's discussion is


"The Value of Education
in the Business World."


I feel that education is
all-important in the business world.


It made me what I am today.

Oh, come, now. Don't
blame that on education.

[BOTH LAUGH]

MOONEY: If I do say so myself, I
have a well-rounded background.


That comes from sitting
on his chair all day.

[LAUGHING]

Shh, shh.

MOONEY: My advice to the
youth of today is, don't be a dropout.


Education makes a
better person of you.


And speaking for myself,

it gave me a greater
understanding of human nature,


which, in turn,
made me thoughtful,


compassionate,
considerate, kind.


[BOTH YELL]

Oh! Oh!

Oh, heavens, even the set
couldn't take that baloney.

Oh.

Oh, dear, I
wonder if I can fix it.

Good morning, Mr. Mooney.

Good morning, Mrs. Carmichael.

Did you watch me
last night on television?

Well, yes and no.

Uh, what? What do
you mean, "yes and no"?

Well, sir, right in the
middle of your speech,

my picture tube blew out.

- What a shame.
- Yes.

Oh, you missed a very
enlightening speech

- and a magnificent performance.
- Oh?

It was one of the
highlights of the TV season.

Oh. Well, I can hardly
wait for the summer rerun.

It also made a great
impression on Mr. Cheever too.

- Oh?
- Oh, yes.

It inspired him, in fact, to
pass a new rule for the bank.

A new rule?

Oh, that reminds me, I have
to dictate a memo on that.

- Please bring your book.
- Yes, sir.

- Let me see. I have it here.
- I'm ready, sir.

Good. Yeah. "To all
department heads:

As per Mr. Cheever's
instructions,

it will immediately become
the policy of this bank

not to employ anyone who does
not have a high-school diploma."

Uh-oh.

What's the matter?

Uh, nothing.

Oh, yes, there is.

When you "uh-oh,"
something is "mm-mm."

All right, Mrs.
Carmichael, out with it.

What is it?

Uh, well... Well, sir,
would you believe

that I never
finished high school?

I'd believe you never
finished nursery school.

Oh, Mr. Mooney.

Are you trying to tell me that
you didn't go to high school?

Oh, I went. I
just didn't finish.

And you don't have a diploma?

- No, sir.
- Oh.

[CHUCKLING]

Oh, what a shame.

Oh, Mr. Mooney, you're
not going to fire me, are you?

- Why, certainly not.
- Oh, good.

Mr. Cheever will fire you.

Now, that's not fair.

I was very close to
getting my diploma.

It was my senior year, and it
was the final week, you know,

just the time of examinations,
and I got the measles.

And then the next year, I just figured
it was too late to go back to school.

When it comes to
education, it is never too late.

- Well...
- If you had any ambition,

you'd go back now.

Now? Oh, I'd feel ridiculous
going back to high school now.

You'll feel even more ridiculous

being unemployed now.

Oh, now, Mr. Mooney.

- You heard me.
- I can't go back to school at my age.

Oh, yes, you better.
No diploma, no job.

Oh, Mr. Mooney.

No, no. No.

Pardon me, sir. The Admissions
Office said to give this to the teacher.

Heh. Oh, that's
Mr. Willock over there.

- Oh. Oh, Mr. Willock?
WILLOCK: Yes.

The Admissions Office
said to give that to you.

Hello, thank you.

Uh, you're going to
be a student here?

- Yes, sir.
- Oh.

Well, just take a
seat, uh, Lucille.

Yes, thank you.

[LUCY CLEARS THROAT]

[STUDENTS LAUGHING]

WILLOCK: Class,
class. Please, please.

I'm, uh... I'm sorry, Lucille. I should
have told you that seat is broken.

Yes, sir. I found
it out for myself.

Well, just find
yourself another seat.

Yes, sir.

All right, class. If you'll
all open your books now

to the chapter on equations.

- It's all finished, sir.
- Oh, thank you, John.

JOHNNY: I'm sorry,
but this is my seat.

Oh, forgive me. I had no idea.

- I just took the first seat
that I... JOHNNY: Oh.

- Oh, I'm sorry. JOHNNY:
Let me do it for you.

Well, thank you. Thank you.

- Thank you very much.
- My name is Johnny Harris.

Oh. Hello. I'm Lucy Carmichael.

JOHNNY: Hi.
- Hi. Nice to...

I beg your pardon,
but may I inquire

as to exactly what is
transpiring back there?

I'm terribly sorry, sir.
I dropped my books,

and Johnny picked them up
for me, and I'll find another seat.

- Yes, I wish you would.
- Yes, sir.

WILLOCK: All right, now,
let's direct our attention

to the problem up
here on the board.

If X... It's very difficult.
Please. So try to concentrate.

Now, if X equals three plus
the square root of seven,

uh, this must be a root of the equation
X squared plus BX plus C equals zero.

Therefore, what are
the values of B and C?

Now, does anybody
know the answer?

Lucille?

Well, what's the answer?

Oh, I don't know.

Well, why did you
raise your hand?

Oh, it wasn't for that.

Or has this changed
since I was a schoolgirl?

[STUDENTS LAUGHING]

All right, class.
Please. Please.

Please. No, Lucille,
that has not changed.

- You may be excused.
- Thank you.

Now...

- Oh, hi, Alan.
- Hi, Steve, how's it going?

Oh, the same old drag.

But we did have some
laughs in math class today.

I never found anything
to laugh at in math.

Well, today we did.

Some kooky redheaded
dame came into class,

and you won't believe this,

but she was middle-aged.

Oh, you're putting me on.

No middle-aged dame is
going to go to high school.

Believe me, this
one was middle-aged.

Why, I bet she was almost .

Pardon me.

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

[BELL RINGS]

Uh, pardon me,
is that seat taken?

- No.
- Thank you.

Class, we have a new
student with us today.

Will Lucille Carmichael
please stand up?

You, you're the new student?

Yes, ma'am.

Uh, I've come back to
school to get my diploma.

- That's very commendable.
LUCY: Thank you.

Class, we're going to
study anatomy today.

Oh, Lucille, did you
ever take biology?

Biology? Yes. Yes, ma'am.

Do you remember
skeletal construction?

You mean, knowing
how he's put together?

- Yes.
- Yes, I, uh...

Yes, I think I remember that.

Well, good. Why don't
you come up and show us

what you remember about
the assembly of human bones?

It's been quite a few years
since I've put any of them together.

[LUCY CHUCKLES]

I, uh... I think I can remember.

I always used to use little
memory hints. You know, like:

"Thirty days hath September,
April, June and November,

and all the rest have
." You know that one.

That always helped me. And
another one I remember was:

"Columbus sailed the
ocean blue in ."

Those things always
helped me a lot.

Just show us what you
remember about bones.

Uh, yes. Yes, ma'am.

Uh, let's see. Uh...

Is it all right if I
start down here?

Any place you like.

Well, uh, that's a toe bone.

And the toe bone's, uh,
connected to the foot bone,

and the foot bone's
connected to the heel bone,

and the heel bone's
connected to the ankle bone.

[SINGING] And the
ankle bone's connected


To the shin bone

STUDENTS [SINGING]:
The shin bone's connected

To the knee bone

The knee bone's
connected To the thigh bone


The thigh bone's
connected To the hip bone


The hip bone's connected
To the back bone


The back bone's
connected To the neck bone


The neck bone's
connected To the chin bone


The chin bone's
connected To the nose bone


The nose bone's
connected To the head bone


And that's the way it goes

Them bones, them
bones Them dry bones


Them bones, them
bones Them dry bones


Them bones, them
bones, Them bones,


Them dry bones

And that's the way it goes

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

- Hi, Patty.
- Oh, hi, Lucy.

- Hi, Amy.
- Oh, hi.

Well, do you still like school?

Oh, I've had two
wonderful weeks.

Boy, you sure lug
around a lot of books.

What subjects are you taking?

Oh, biology, Spanish,
history, English and math.

Those subjects are a drag.

Why don't you take some easier
ones like most of the kids do?

- What are they taking?
- Oh, driver's training, ceramics,

basket weaving and volleyball.

Well, it sounds like fun,

but I have to take what I
need to get my diploma.

What happens if you
don't get your diploma?

Your mama gonna spank you?

Don't get fresh, Steve.

That's all right, Patty.

Steve, I guess you're just too young
to realize the importance of education.

Oh, education. Big deal.

I don't think that's
any way for you to talk.

You should be glad at
the chance to go to school.

You know, she sounds
just like my mother.

Ha, ha. No, no. I think
she's a spy for the PTA.

[LAUGHS]

Look, I'm just trying to give
you kids some good advice.

I think you should study hard and
get as much education as you can.

What are you, some
kind of nut or something?

- Steve, all I'm saying... STEVE:
I'm staying away from you.

You may be contagious.

[BELL RINGS]

All right, settle down.
Let's come to order.

I, uh...

I marked your homework
papers last night,

and most of you did very well.

Especially you, Lucille.

Oh, thank you, sir.

TEACHER: And, Steven?
- Yeah?

Do you know so much
about American history

that you think it's unnecessary
to do your homework?

Oh, I had something... I was
doing something else that night.

I couldn't do my homework.

- Like what?
- I had to wax my surfboard.

Well, good for you.

I'm glad to know you weren't
wasting your time foolishly.

[STUDENTS CHUCKLE]

Now, then,

can anyone tell me

if there were ever any occasions

when foreign troops
fought on American soil?

Hmm? Yes, Lucille?

Yes, sir. During the
revolution and the w*r of ,

British soldiers fought here.

TEACHER: Correct.

Oh, and also the Hessians.

That's right.

And who were the Hessians?

- Lucille?
- They were German

mercenary soldiers
hired by the British

to fight against the
colonists in the revolution.

Right again. Lucille, I
must compliment you.

You certainly know a lot
about early American history.

She should. She
lived through most of it.

[STUDENTS LAUGHING]

There's no need
for sarcasm, Steven.

Perhaps if you followed
Lucille's example and studied,

you'd be much better off.

Bleh.

STEVE: Hey. Hey, Johnny.
- Huh?

STEVE: Come here.

- Look.
- What's that?

- Itching powder.
- Itching powder?

- What are you gonna do with it?
- There's a certain redhead

who's just itching to learn.

Well, today she's gonna
learn something new.

- Gee, I don't think you ought to do it.
- Why not? It's good for a few laughs.

- Well...
- Look, you just take a pinch of this,

you stick it down her
back, and she goes crazy.

It'll be funny. Shh.
Here she comes.

Hi, Lucy.

- Oh. Hi, Steve.
- Look,

I want to apologize for the way
I've been chopping at you lately.

Oh. It's all right.

STEVE: Yeah, I
haven't been very nice,

and, well, I'd like to
make a fresh start.

Well, fine, Steve,
we'll start from scratch.

Yeah.

Yeah, uh, we'll
start from scratch.

- Okay, Steve. STEVE: Okay.

[BELL RINGS]

All right, come
to order, please.

Now, we'll continue with
yesterday's discussion of Hamlet.

Does anyone know the opening
lines of Hamlet's soliloquy?

Yes, Lucille.

I memorized the
entire soliloquy.

[STUDENTS GROAN]

All right, now, quiet down.
That's wonderful, Lucille.

Now, will you recite
it for us, please?

Yes, ma'am. Uh...

To be, or not to be:

that is... Aah! the question.

Uh...

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind

To suffer the slings and
arrows of outrageous fortune,

Or to...

Or to take arms
against a sea of troubles,

And by opposing end them?

To die, to sleep no more;

And by a sleep,
to say we scratch.

I mean... I mean:

We end the heartaches and
the thousand natural shocks

That flesh is heir to,

'tis a consummation,
devoutly to be wish'd.

To die, to sleep; To
sleep: perchance to dream:

Ay, there's the rub.

The rub, the rub.
The rub. Um, uh...

As Shakespeare said,
"All the world's a stage."

And I'm gonna make my exit.

Hi, Patty.

Hey. Hey, what's bugging you?

I don't like what you did to
Lucy in class this morning.

I think you're despicable.

- Aw, now, wait a minute.
- No, Patty's right.

- That was a mean thing to do.
- But I was...

AMY: You've picked on her
ever since she's been here.

- Oh, but...
- All she's trying to do

is get an education,
and that's pretty hard

for somebody her age.

And she's okay too.

She found out it was you who put
the itching powder down her back,

- but she didn't fink on you.
- Okay. Okay, enough already.

As far as I'm concerned,
you are a creep.

Yeah, come on, kids,
let's get away from him.

He may be contagious.

But... Now, wait a
minute, g*ng. Johnny.

[SIGHS]

- Hi, Steve.
- Oh.

Oh, hi, Lucy. Uh...

Aren't you mad at me?

Well, it wasn't a very
nice thing to do to me,

but I realize it was
just a teenage prank.

You know, Steve, you
may find it hard to believe,

but I was once a
teenager myself.

Hey. Hey, you are really okay.

- Thank you.
- And you're pretty smart too.

Me, smart? Heh.

Are you kidding?

My boss, Mr. Mooney, says
that I majored in stupidity.

Well, I think you're smart.

Thank you.

STEVE: You know
all the answers, and...

Well, I sure don't.

Well, you could know the
answers too if you'd just study.

And you know something,
Steve? You better start studying.

The final exams are
only two weeks away.

Aw. I goofed away the whole term.
It's too late to start studying now.

Never too late to
get an education.

Now, look, I'll tell you
what. I'll help you, if you like.

I'll study with you.
We'll study together.

Well, gee, that'd be great. And
if I pass, I'll make it up to you.

I'll, uh... I'll, uh... I'll take
you to the senior prom.

Oh, Steve, thank you, but I
couldn't go to the prom with you.

Why, I'm old enough
to be your sister.

Gee, I'd like to do something
to show my appreciation.

Well, there is something
you could do for me.

STEVE: What?
- Scratch my back.

All the way, all the
way, all the way.

[LUCY GRUNTING]

All the way, all the way. Ah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And now, ladies and
gentlemen, we come to the climax

of our graduation exercises.

It is a custom of the school to
accord the honor of valedictorian

to the student who has
received the highest grades

in the final examinations.

It is my pleasure
to present to you

the valedictorian of
our graduating class,

Steven Josephs.

Thank you, Mr. Potter.

Uh, thank you, Mr. Potter.

Uh... Uh...

I wanna tell you how
grateful I am for this honor.

If I am deserving of it, it's only because
of the help I received from the faculty

and from one of
my fellow students.

And since I couldn't
have done it without her,

I would like to award the
title of honorary valedictorian

to Lucille Carmichael.

Well, thank you, Steve. If
I helped you, I'm very glad.

I needed plenty of help too.

It's been very difficult
for me to graduate.

I must admit that several
times, I wanted to quit.

But I didn't, because I
didn't wanna become

the oldest dropout
in high-school history.

[ALL LAUGH]

You know, going back to school
has meant an awful lot to me.

Not only did I learn the
value of an education,

but I also learned a lot
about the younger generation.

You know,

people of my
generation tend to scoff

at the teenagers
because of their silly fads,

you know, like, surfing,
long-haired boys, straight-haired girls,

the kooky clothes they wear.

Well, now, of course, my
generation was perfect.

We had sensible fads,
like swallowing live goldfish

and seeing how many kids could
be crowded into one telephone booth.

[LUCY CHUCKLES]

And we also sneer at
the modern generation's

questionable taste in music.

They go for that
horrible rock 'n' roll

and don't have the beautiful
romantic ballads we had,

like "Hut-Sut Rawlson on
the Rillera." Remember that?

[SINGING] Mairzy
doats and doazy doats


And three little fishies
In an itty bitty pool


You know, recently, I ran
across a statement which said:

"I am very worried about
the younger generation.

The youth of today is
ill-mannered, ill-bred,

and shows little
respect for their elders.

I fear to trust them
with the future."

Now, this statement
was made by Socrates

more than , years ago.

Well, I agree with
Socrates. I, too, am worried

about trusting the future
to the younger generation.

I'm worried they will do a
far better job than we did.

Mrs. Carmichael?
Mrs. Carmichael.

Oh. Mr. Mooney, I didn't
know you were here.

Oh, I wouldn't have missed it
for the world. Congratulations.

- Oh, I got my diploma.
- Yes, you did.

But don't let that
diploma go to your head.

You be at the bank
on time tomorrow.

- Oh, I got my job back?
- Yes, you did.

- Oh, thank you,
Mr. Mooney. MOONEY: Ah.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[ANNOUNCER READS ON-SCREEN TEXT]
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