06x06 - Lucy Gets Jack Benny's Account

[bunniefuu]

[ANNOUNCER READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]

ANNOUNCER:
Co-starring Gale Gordon.

- I think I've got
it. LUCY: All right.

How is this for a bank slogan?

"If you want to
feather your nest,

save with us,
we'll do the rest."

What do you think of that?

I think it just misses.

No. No. All right.

Well, we've got to get something
short, something snappy,

something attractive
that people will listen to.

- That's right.
- Let's see now. Let's...

I've got it.

"You can bank on us."

What's the rest of it?

Well, that's it. Short,
concise and to the point.

"You can bank on us."

Oh, I like that.

I need you to put that down.

- I've got it down.
- Yeah.

Do you think
Mr. Cheever will like it?

I don't care whether
Mr. Cheever likes it or not.

It's a good slogan.

If Mr. Cheever doesn't like
it, he's a fool. Believe me...

- Mooney.
- Oh, hello, Mr. Fool.

Mr. Cheever.

Mooney, I hope that you've
come up with a suitable slogan.

Oh, yes, sir. I have. Yes, sir.

- Mrs. Carmichael, read it back to
him. CHEEVER: I hope it's a good one.

Three of the other vice presidents
came up with the same corny slogan.

- Oh, what was that, sir?
- "You can bank on us."

Imagine coming up with a slogan
like that. "You can bank on us."

Yeah. Well, it is rather
unimaginative, sir. Yeah.

It's worse than that.

It's positively idiotic.

Now, Mooney,
what is your slogan?

Oh. Uh, well, um...

Read it to me, Mrs. Carmichael.

Um. Let's see here. Uh...

She takes so long
to read her shorthand.

Well, come on, Mooney.

It's your slogan.
Can't you remember it?

Oh, yes. Yes, sir. I can...

Wait, it's coming
back to me now.

Uh... "We must be a good bank.

Your baker puts his dough here."

"Your baker puts
his dough here"?

Well, that isn't all of it, sir.

The entire slogan goes:

"Your baker puts his dough here,

so he has it when he kneads it."

Don't...? Don't you get it, sir?

"Baker." "Dough." "Kneads."

You've got to be kidding.

May I say something, sir?

- No.
- Yes.

Certainly.

Well, sir, I don't think a slogan is
enough to bring in new business.

What our bank needs is
an advertising gimmick.

You know, for instance, if
we could get the account

of someone who was unique
and different, someone who...

That no other bank could get,
like maybe the Queen of England

or the king of Thailand

or Mickey Mouse.

Mickey Mouse?

Yes. If we had Mickey Mouse,
then we could have a great slogan,

"Bank with us. Put your
money where your mouse is."

That is the worst
thing I have ever heard.

I like that idea,
Mrs. Carmichael,

but who can we find that
is unique and different?

Well, uh, how about the
Maharajah of Cooch Behar.

Uh, how about the
Maharajah of Beverly Hills?

- Who?
- Jack Benny.

Jack Benny?

Yeah. Everybody knows that
Jack Benny doesn't trust banks

and keeps all of his
money in his own home.

If we could get his business, we
could get everybody else's business.

If we could get Jack
Benny's business,

we wouldn't need
anybody else's business.

That's a splendid
idea, Mrs. Carmichael.

LUCY: Thank you.
- Yes.

I must send someone over
to see Mr. Benny immediately.

Yes, sir, and I
think that someone

should be one of our more
elegant and capable men.

I think that someone should be a
young, intelligent, attractive woman.

Where are we going to find one?

I think I could get
Mr. Benny's account.

Oh, forget it, Mrs. Carmichael.

No, wait a minute, Mooney.
How would you go about it?

Uh, well, sir, I...

I would be very subtle. I'd flatter
him, you know, play up to him, and...

I wouldn't even mention the
bank until the opportune moment.

You mean, you would
intend to trick Mr. Benny?

You would connive
and lie to him?

Well, no.

Why not, if it'll
get the account?

Go ahead.

Oh! Heh. Oh, all right.

[PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC]

[DOORBELL RINGING]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[MUSIC STOPS]

I'll be right back, Jascha.

Mr. Benny?

Lady, if you're selling
girl scout cookies,

I'm the one who makes them.

Oh, no, sir, I'm not. I wanted to
see you about something personal.

- Oh, about something personal?
- Yes.

- Oh! Oh, well, come right in.
- Thank you.

Make yourself at home.

- Thank you.
- Sit down.

Now...

Uh, what can I do
for you, Miss, uh...?

- Miss...?
- Carmichael.

- Oh, Carmichael.
- Yes.

I used to have a polar bear
by that name, you know?

Oh, a polar bear.

Was its first name Lucy?

No. No.

- Well, you can call me Lucy.
- I can?

Well, you can call me Jackie.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

- Now...
- Yes.

Now, uh, what...? What
can I do for you, Lucy?

Well, Mr. Benny,

I'd like to know where I
can find your violin teacher.

So would a lot of other people.

Now, what do you want him for?

Well, I want my nephew
to take violin lessons,

and I want the finest
teacher available.

Oh.

And I thought that any man
who taught a virtuoso like you

must be the best
teacher in the world.

Isn't that true?

Well, yes. Yes.

Now, let me think.

Unfortunately, my very first
violin teacher isn't available.

Oh, he passed away?

No, he ran away.

- Domestic problems.
- Oh.

But my present teacher
is Monsieur LeBlanc.

Monsieur LeBlanc. Do you
know his address, Mr. Benny?

Yeah, I think it's
Valley Road.

- Nine hundred.
- And he's a great violin teacher.

He's been with me years.

- And he has wonderful qualifications.
- Oh?

He's tone deaf and hungry.

Well, thank you very
much, Mr. Benny.

You've been very helpful. Heh.

Gee, Mr. Benny, all these
mementoes and awards, and trophies.

You certainly have
had a wonderful life.

Yes. Yes, I have.

What's this?

Oh, that's a picture of
me when I was in the Navy.

Oh, I didn't know
you were in the Navy.

Was it the Korean w*r?

Bless you.

Oh, dear, all these
wonderful pictures.

- Oh, there's one of Rochester.
- That's right.

Oh, look at... Oh, and
two presidents. My.

Oh, there's a great
picture of Bob Hope.

Yes, he's one of my fans.

Oh, I'll bet.

Who are all these people?

Oh, uh, this is the cast
of my old television show.

Oh. Oh.

They were all so talented.
Do you still see any of them?

Well, occasionally, I
run into Dennis Day,

and once in a while
I trip over Phil Harris.

Oh, that reminds me.
Can I offer you a drink?

- Uh...
- A soft drink.

- Oh, a soft drink.
- Yeah.

Well, do you have
any root beer or cola?

Well, yes, which would you like?

Oh, it doesn't
make any difference.

That's true. They cost
me about the same.

[PHONE RINGING]

Will you answer that, please?

Oh, yes, sir, Mr. Benny.

Mr. Benny's residence.

Uh, yes, but he's busy
at the moment. Oh.

All right, I'll tell
him. Thank you.

BENNY: Who was it?

Uh, it was your dentist.

BENNY: Any message?

Yes. He said, "They're ready

and you can pick
them up tomorrow."

Well, good. I'm glad.
I have a dinner date.

There you are.

Thank you. Gee,
Mr. Benny, I envy you.

You've spent your life in
such an exciting business.

It makes my job seem so drab.

- Why, what do you do?
- Oh, I work in a bank.

That's drab?

Well, it doesn't pay very much.

Oh, that's drab.

Yes, it is. I'm
just a secretary.

And the only way I
can get any extra money

to pay for my
nephew's violin lessons

is by bringing in new
accounts for the bank.

Ah.

And I feel that if my nephew
doesn't take violin lessons,

that the world may be deprived
of a second Jack Benny.

The world doesn't need
a second Jack Benny.

The first one ain't gonna leave.

You know, Mr. Benny, it's very
difficult landing new accounts.

It seems that everybody in Beverly
Hills has their money in banks.

- No, not everybody.
- What do you mean?

Well, I don't have
my money in a bank.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Well, why don't you keep
your money in a bank?

Well, I probably would if I
could find one that would give me

the same security

- as I have in my home.
- Oh.

You see, I have a burglar-proof
vault right here in my house.

Is that so?

Well, now, I'm sure that
our bank could supply a vault

that's just as safe as yours.

I doubt it.

Well, if we could,
would you, uh...?

Would you become
one of my new accounts?

- Well...
- Oh, it would help me

so much, Mr. Benny.

- It would?
- I would be so grateful.

How grateful?

- Pretty grateful.
- Ah.

Now, if you would give me a
chance to get your account,

then maybe we
could go out on a date.

We could go to dinner.

How about it?

Well, that depends.

Where are you
planning to take me?

- Oh, well, anywhere you want.
- Well, good. Good.

Oh, well, then you'll give me
a chance to get your account?

Well, I'll tell you what.
I'll show you my vault,

and if your bank can build a
better one, you've got my account.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Benny.

Now, right this way.

Excuse me, just for looks.

- Wait right here. Oh, yes.
- Oh.

It's down pretty deep.
You'd better wear this.

[HEAVY FOOTSTEPS]

What's that?

You're lucky. You're just in time
to see the changing of the guard.

Mrs. Carmichael, the workmen
finally finished the new vault.

Good. Mr. Benny should
be here any minute.

Oh, you know, the bank has gone
to great expense to build that vault.

The sand hogs have
been working day and night.

If I'd known it was
going to be so expensive,

I never would
have approved of it.

We have just got to
get Mr. Benny's account.

Now, don't worry, we will.

Besides, it was my idea. I
will take the responsibility.

If it doesn't work,
you can fire me.

Oh, I almost wish
it wouldn't work.

Oh, no, no, no. If it doesn't
work, we'd both get fired.

Yes. Well, now, it will work if
they followed my instructions.

Did they dig it deep enough?

Well, it's feet deep.

How deep was Mr. Benny's vault?

Well, I'm not sure, but before I
was halfway down, I got the bends.

- It's very deep.
- Oh.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

- Excuse me.
- Yes.

Mr. Mooney's office.

Oh, yes, Gladys.
Send him right in.

Mr. Benny is on his way in.

Good. Good. Let's hope our little
scheme works, because if it doesn't...

LUCY: Oh, Mr. Benny.

- It's so good to see you here.
- It's nice to see you.

Thank you. Thank you.

I'd like you to meet my
boss, Mr. Theodore Mooney.

- How do you do?
- How do you do? It's a great pleasure.

- Thank you.
- You're just in time to see the vault.

And if you approve,
and I'm sure you will,

we'll need a little
information about you.

So I'd like to ask a few questions,
if I may. It will save time later on.

- All right?
- Alrighty.

Good. Good. Now, if you sit
over here, Mrs. Carmichael

- will take down the information.
- Thank you.

- There we are, sir. Ahem.
- Thank you.

Now, your... Your
full name, Mr. Benny.

Mr. Jack Benny.

Your father's name?

Mortimer. Mortimer.

Your mother's maiden name?

J.P. Morgan.

J.P. Morgan?

Judith Priscilla.

MOONEY: Uh, your
social security number?

One.

Do you have any scars
or identifying marks?

Well...

Yes, I...

I have a tattoo.

It was done many years ago.

What does it say?

BENNY: Well...

Well...

[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]

J-E-L-L-O?

See, I had to.

In those days, sponsors
were hard to get.

Oh, well, I think that's all the
information we need, Mr. Benny.

Yes. Now Mr. Benny,
you're going to see your vault.

I am?

Well, I, uh...

I hope you're going
to show it to me.

[GIGGLES]

Oh, yes, sir. I am.

Well, don't you think that I should
go along and be sort of a chaperone?

A chaperone?

I can't see any harm in
being alone with Mr. Benny.

Oh, I wish you could.

Oh, here we are. This way.

- Mr. Benny, walk this way.
- Yes.

I always do.

Well, here you are, Mr. Benny.

Hey, it doesn't look
bad. How deep are we?

We're feet down.

Well, that might be safe.

It's also smog free.

- Well...
- Ah! Don't step down there.

- Why not?
- Land mines.

Blow you to bits.

You see, it's not gonna be easy
to get to your vault. Follow me.

Now, Mr. Benny,
nobody can get past this.

Why not?

Well, look what happens
when I break the electric beam.

Now, you see, Mr. Benny,

nobody will ever be
able to get to your money.

Including me.

Not that I ever intended
to take any out, you know,

but I like to go in and
fondle it once in a while.

Well, sir, we have
taken care of that.

We have a switch that
disconnects the guillotine.

[DINGS]

There it is.

You can proceed now.

Ladies first.

All right.

Now, Mr. Benny, I'd like to
show you something very special.

This is a guaranteed
safeguard against burglars.

- That?
- Yeah.

This is a wooden door.

A termite could get through.

Well, it's a decoy.

- A decoy?
- Yes.

Stand up against it
and see what happens.

[MEN WHOOPING]

That's cute.

Cute? Weren't you
frightened of them?

When you've been with
Custer, nothing frightens you.

Okay.

[LUCY & MAN SPEAKING
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

No:

[LUCY & MAN CONTINUE
SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Yes:

All right. Yes:

[IN ENGLISH] Oh, boy.

Oh, the nerve of them.
You know what they wanted?

Yeah. Time and
a half for overtime.

That's right. How did you know?

I'm their agent.

Frankly, if you expect me
to keep my money here,

you'll have to make
a vault safer than this.

Well, now, Mr. Benny, let's keep
going. The best is yet to come.

I hope so.

Now, this water...

Right here, this water
will stop anybody.

- Why, how deep is it? It's very deep?
- A foot and a half.

Well, how will that stop a
crook from wading across?

- May I show you?
- Yes.

- What happened?
- Piranha fish.

Piranha fish? Ha.

What a picnic they'd
have with Jackie Gleason.

You know, by the time he could
say, "And away we go," he'd be gone.

That's right.

We can guarantee that no
crook will be able to get past this.

Oh, yeah? All a crook has to do,

is take that door off its
hinges and use it for a bridge.

That's a very clever idea.
Why don't you try that?

All right.

[GIBBERING]

Hi, Irving.

- Irving?
- His mother works for me.

Oh, boy.

Now, how am I going
to get to the vault?

Well, I'll show you, Mr. Benny.

Now, follow me.

Come on.

- There.
- Hey, that's clever.

There's rocks in the water.

They're not rocks, Mr. Benny.
They're snapping turtles.

Okay, fellows, b*at it.

Now, there is your vault door,

and I defy any
crook to get it open.

But supposing some crook
is smart enough to get it open,

then all my money
would be stolen.

Yeah, but they have
to get to the vault first.

Well, what's going to stop them?

Well, follow me, sir,
and I will show you.

May I have your hand?

What's happening? What's this?

It's quicksand. This
is a bottomless pit.

Why didn't I think of that?

Then you like it?

It's wonderful. You're a genius.

Thank you. Thank you.

Believe me, I'm going to
keep my money in this bank.

Good. We'll send over an
armored truck to get all your money.

Send three.

Oh, boy, this quicksand is the
cleverest idea I've ever heard of.

I'm glad you like it.

You know, I think it's even
better than your shark-filled moat.

And cheaper. You
don't have to feed them.

That's true. That's true.

- Then it's a deal?
- It is a deal.

Oh, I'm so glad. I'm so glad.

[ANNOUNCER READS ON-SCREEN TEXT]