06x07 - Little Old Lucy

[bunniefuu]

[ANNOUNCER READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]

ANNOUNCER:
Co-starring Gale Gordon.

Lucy. Lucy.

LUCY: Yeah, I'm
in here, Mary Jane.

Oh, I got it.

LUCY: Oh, good. I'll
be with you in a minute.

- I'm trying on my new dress.
- How does it look?

LUCY: You'll see.

How do you like it?

[GASPS]

Oh, Lucy, it's scrumptious.

- You'll be the belle of the ball.
- Really?

Every woman in that
place will stare at you, Lucy.

Never mind the women,
how about the men?

When the men see you in that
dress, it'll take their breath away.

Well, I hope not. If this gets me a
man, I want one that's still breathing.

And here is the stole I
promised to lend you.

Oh, it's lovely.

Why, it's genuine mink.

This must have cost a fortune.
How could you afford this?

Oh, well, I didn't buy it alone.

Six of us chipped in and we
each get to use it one day a week.

Oh.

What does it do on
the seventh day? Rest?

Ha-ha-ha. Yes. And,
boy, does it need it.

Well, I'm certainly lucky
that your day is Saturday.

No, my day is Tuesday.
I switched with Mildred.

Oh, Mildred's day is Saturday.

No, her day is Wednesday.

But Mildred switched with
Roselle, whose day is Thursday.

And Roselle
switched with Irving.

Irving?

Irving's a bachelor.
He uses it for date-bait.

Oh, baby. If you
could only talk.

You're sure you're going to be
able to get this for me for Saturday?

Oh, sure, but I have to get
it over to Ella for tomorrow.

But Ella has a date with
Irving, so that saves us a day.

But, don't worry, honey,
you'll get it by Saturday night.

Oh. Well, okay, I really
want to thank you, Mary Jane.

And I guess I should
also thank Mildred,

and Roselle, and
Ella and Irving.

I feel like I just won
an Academy Award.

Well, if they give an
award at that affair

for the most beautiful
girl, you'll win it.

Oh, I don't know about that.

But I do want to look nice,

because there's gonna be a lot
of very eligible bachelors there.

- Oh, yeah? Really?
- Yeah.

What's...? What's
the banquet for, Lucy?

Well, it's the th anniversary
of the founding of the bank.

And the guest of honor will be the
president of the entire organization,

Mr. Cornelius Heatherington, Jr.

Oh, the name even sounds rich.

Oh, he is. He's worth millions.

He has two yachts, he has
homes all over the world:

New York, Paris, Hawaii.

- Well, is he married?
- No.

That's what I call
an eligible bachelor.

Well, he's also years old.

Well, you can't have everything.

Well, I could use
another man in my life,

but I'd prefer a little
more life in my man.

[LAUGHING]

I'm gonna get this off. I
don't want to get it wrinkled.

Yeah. Well, I have to
rush this over to Edith.

Edith? Who's Edith?

Oh, she's the sixth owner, and
she's got a heavy date tonight.

You know something?
I envy that mink.

It's dead, and it goes
out more than I do.

Now, you'd better
remind the musicians

that we expect them
to be there at : .

- The dinner starts promptly at .
- Yes, sir.

And, oh, be sure to
check with the florist too.

- Yes, sir.
- Now, I want you to follow through

on every single detail.

This is a very important affair. I
don't want anything to go wrong.

Now, don't you worry.
Just leave everything to me.

That's what worries me.

Nothing will go
wrong, Mr. Mooney.

Well, I certainly hope not.

You know, I'm so
excited about this banquet.

I spent two weeks'
salary on a new gown.

Mrs. Mooney spent three
weeks salary on a new gown.

I didn't know she worked.

My salary.

Oh... Oh.

Yes, she bought herself one of these
new evening gowns with a mini skirt.

Oh, how does she look?

Grotesque.

Well, Mr. Mooney,
you can't blame her

for wanting to wear
the latest styles.

True, true. But mini
skirts are not for her.

- No?
- No, no. She's much too bowlegged.

They ever straightened her
legs out, she'd be feet tall.

Well, is there anything else that
you want me to take care of, sir?

No, I think that
covers everything.

Oh, by the way,

while you were out, the
manager of the banquet hall called

regarding the color
scheme of the decorations.

- Oh, yes?
- And I told him to do everything

in gold and green.

- Gold and green?
- Yes, sir.

That sounds like a
peculiar combination.

But very appropriate.

You see, I picked gold, because
it's the bank's golden anniversary,

and I picked green,

because it's every
banker's favorite color.

Mrs. Carmichael, that
is entirely too obvious.

- Obvious?
- Yes. Yes, it's almost poor taste.

Now, you get in touch
with the banquet hall

and have those colors
changed to pink and purple.

Pink and purple? Yuck!

Pink and purple happen
to be my old school colors.

Get in touch with them and
have those colors changed.

- Yes, sir. Yes. Yes, sir.
- Mooney.

- Yeah. Yes, sir.
- An emergency has come up

and I'm afraid I'm going to have to
ask you to give up your lunch hour.

That's quite all right.
Anything to help out.

Well, I was scheduled to pick up
Mr. Heatherington at the airport.

However, a crisis has arisen,

and I have called a meeting
in my office immediately

with all the important
vice presidents.

- I'll be right in, sir.
- Not you.

You go to the airport.

Oh, and, uh, Mooney, you'd
better bring your secretary along too.

Mr. Heatherington might
want to dictate some letters

- on his way from the airport.
- Yes, sir.

- Mooney, there's one thing more.
- Yes, sir.

I want you to decorate
the banquet hall

in Mister Heatherington's
favorite school colors:

gold and green.

Gold and green.

Well, I have already
ordered those colors, sir.

CHEEVER: Really? Well,
that was a lucky guess.

It wasn't a guess, sir.

When I'm given an assignment,
I check things thoroughly.

Nothing gets past me, sir.

Well, good thinking, Mooney.

Thank you, sir.
Thank you. Thank you.

If you say one word,

just one word, you're fired.

MAN [ON PA]: Last call
for passengers for Flight ,

boarding at Gate .

Oh, gee, Mr. Mooney,

I think an airport's the most
exciting place in the whole world.

It's always filled with people and each
person is here for a different reason.

Did you ever think of
that? Now, look. Look.

That couple has
probably just been married

and they're going
on their honeymoon.

Yeah, that's what I bet.

Oh, and look. See this lady right
here? I think she's a grandmother.

She's gonna go visit
her grandchildren.

See? Ha-ha-ha.

Look at that man.

Probably a businessman
or maybe a diplomat

going to a foreign country
with a secret mission.

There's a father and son.

Now, I wonder
what their story is.

Where can that man
be taking his little boy?

Now you know, Nosey.

MAN [ON PA]: Flight number
now arriving from Honolulu at Gate .

- Is that it?
- That's it.

- That's Mr. Heatherington's plane.
- I'm so excited.

- Is my hair combed?
- Yes, you look fine.

- How's my lipstick?
- Fine.

Yes, you look perfect.

I want to make a good
impression on Mr. Heatherington.

Look, he's just going to
dictate to you, not propose.

Well, I've never met
a millionaire before.

I just want to look my best.

Well, millionaires are
just like anybody else.

You just treat them like
normal human beings.

LUCY: Yeah, I know, but...

That's him. That... That's him.

Hello. Hello, Mr. Heatherington.
Mr. Heatherington, sir.

Hi, Mr...

Mr. Mooney, I know
I'm president of the bank,

but a slight bow from the
waist would have been sufficient.

Oh, well. I'm sorry,
sir, but I tripped.

I'm afraid it was all my fault.

And, uh, who is this
charming young lady?

Oh, uh, this is my
secretary, Mrs. Carmichael.

Oh, how do you do, sir?
I'm really happy to meet you.

- The pleasure is all mine.
- Thank you.

Yes. You have excellent taste
in secretaries, Mooney. Mm.

MOONEY: Thank you,
sir. Thank you. Ahem.

I, uh, trust you had
a pleasant flight, sir.

Oh, fine. I chartered
the whole plane.

The whole plane?

Yep, that way I get the three
stewardesses all for myself.

It's the only way to fly.

Well, come on, let's go now.

- May I?
- Oh. Ha, ha.

Good.

On your feet, boy. On your feet.

Mr. Mooney, would you
bring my bag, please?

- Mooney.
- Aah!

- Mrs. Carmichael, what happened?
- Oh, it's nothing, I'll be all right.

Oh, good. Where's Mr. Mooney?

Oh, he stepped out. He
ought to be... Oh, there he is.

Mooney, did you pick up
Mr. Heatherington at the airport?

- Yes, sir.
- Did you get him back to his hotel?

Yes, and he's very happy
with his accommodations.

Well, good. Let us hope
that he will be as happy

with the lady you have selected for
him to escort to the banquet tonight.

"The lady"?

- Yes.
- Bu... Bu...

But you didn't say
anything about a lady, sir.

I didn't think it was necessary.

You said that when you
were given an assignment,

you checked things thoroughly.

And if you had, you would have
known that Mr. Heatherington

never attends a social function
unless he escorts a lady.

Uh, well, sir, I didn't
think that a man of his age

would be interested
in the opposite sex.

Mooney,

he is old, not dead.

Now, I expect you to
provide a lady for him.

Well, that shouldn't
be too difficult, sir.

I'm quite sure one of our
charming female employees

would be happy to go with him.
Wouldn't you, Mrs. Carmichael?

- Me?
- Yes, you.

And give me one
good reason why not.

I don't like it.

Oh, that's a good reason.

Mrs. Carmichael is too
young and attractive.

That's true.

We can't have the president
of the bank seem like a playboy.

You're quite right, sir. No.

We've got to have someone
closer to his own age.

Someone refined, and
wealthy and dignified

in keeping with his position.

Well, I'll do my best,
sir. I promise you.

I don't want promises.

- I want results.
- Agh.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir,
Mr. Cheever. Yes, sir.

Oh, my...

We'd better do something
fast, or we're in trouble.

Oh, yes we are.

What do you mean "we"?

If anything happens to me,
your job is none too secure here.

Now, do you know a refined,
dignified, wealthy old lady?

If I did, I'd have her adopt me.

Mrs. Carmichael, I
want help, not jokes.

Well, I'd help you if I could.

It's not my fault I'm too young.

Yes, it is.

You are late for everything.
You were even born late.

If I were an old lady,

I'd be very honored to
go with Mr. Heatherington.

Uh-huh.

Mm...

Mr. Mooney, what
are you thinking?

If you're thinking what
I think you're thinking,

then I don't think I like
what you're thinking.

All we need is a little grey
hair and a makeup job.

Oh, Mr. Mooney.

Now, you're not gonna
send me on a date

with that Don Juan
of the stone age.

You will make a
lovely little old lady.

- But I can't.
- You can and you will.

I spent two whole weeks'
salary on a beautiful new dress,

and now I'm not
gonna get to wear it.

That's not being fair.

All right, all right.

- I'll be fair. I'll give you a choice.
- All right.

Either you'll be an old lady,

or you'll be an unemployed lady.

Well, Cheever,
how do I look, eh?

Splendid, sir. Splendid.

You know, you're in wonderful
condition for a man of your age.

What do you mean,
"A man of my age"?

Why, I'm in better
shape than you are.

Look at you. You look
like a paunchy penguin.

Hey, where's Mooney and my date?

Oh, well, they'll
be along later, sir.

Eh, tell me, what
kind of a gal is she?

Is she pretty? Does
she have a good figure?

Well, I don't know.
I haven't met her.

However, if Mr. Mooney selected
her, sir, you may rest assured

that she is refined,
dignified, honest,

friendly, wholesome
and trustworthy.

Is he getting me a
date or a boy scout?

I'm sure you will like
the one that he has...

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, here they are.
Come in. Come in.

Mooney, you're late.

- Oh, well, sir, I...
- And you're alone.

Oh, no, no, sir.
No, no. No. Ah...

Come on. Come on. Come on.

She's a little shy, sir.

Come on, come on.

Mrs. Abigail Vandermeer,

may I present
Mr. Harrison Cheever.

How do you do?

I'm very pleased to meet you.

And, ahem, your
escort for the evening,

Mr. Cornelius Heatherington, Jr.

Hello, Junior.

Pleasure is all mine.

Do come in, please.

Yes.

Won't you sit down.

Yes.

CHEEVER: Uh,
sir, it's getting late.

Don't you think we had
best leave for the banquet?

- Yeah, let's...
- No, no. No rush.

No rush, the banquet can wait.

First, I think we ought
to get better acquainted.

Oh, that's a very good idea.

I said "we," not you.

Yes, we'll see
you later, Mooney.

You too.

- But I...
- Go on, git. Git. Git. The both of you.

Skedaddle.

Hey, if we're not
there, start without us.

Now that we're alone,
we can get on with it.

Get on with what?

What did you have
in mind, Junior?

Now we can get to
know each other better.

Oh. How much better?

First, tell me, uh, is your
name Miss Vandermeer or Mrs.?

- Mrs.
- Oh.

I'm a widow.

Oh!

Eh, tell me, are you rich?

Filthy.

Were you born rich, or
did you marry money?

Neither. My husband,
Harvey, was a Texan.

He was born poor
and he d*ed poor.

Well, then how did
you get your money?

When we was digging
Harvey's grave, we struck oil.

My, what a wonderful way to go.

Yep, Harvey went happy.

Greasy, but happy.

- You want to know a little secret?
- What?

You're the kind of a girl I've
been waiting for all my life.

That's a long time.

Yes, sir. You know
something else?

I think you and I could make
beautiful music together.

Uh... Uh, say, uh, are
you really years old?

Heck, no. I'm .

Ninety.

Well, don't you think you
better cool down a little?

When you're , if you
cool down, the fire goes out.

Let me tell you something.

You better cool down, Junior,
or I'll put your fire out for good.

Just trying to
make conversation.

Well, make it from over
there. I'm not hard of hearing.

You know, you're so beautiful
when you get your dander up.

You get my dander up any
further, and I'll take away your rattle.

Say, I got an idea.

- Oh, not another one.
- Oh, you'll like this one.

Say, how about a little drinky?

Alrighty. How about
a little warm milky?

I was thinking of
something stronger than that.

How about some champagne, huh?

That's too strong. The
bubbles knock me down.

[LAUGHING]

"No. The bubbles
keep knocking me..."

Oh, say, ha-ha-ha,
that's a dilly.

Now, you watch it, buster.

- We better get to that banquet.
- Oh, no, you're not.

Not until you give
me a little kiss, honey.

You're no gentleman.

I never said I was.

Woo-hoo!

Agh! You...

You're a sneaky old
wolf, that's what you are.

"Wolf." Oh!

Hey, that's the nicest thing
anyone's said to me in years.

Ah, yahoo!

That's a dilly.

[LAUGHING]

Now, you keep your
distance, you understand?

Come on, honey.
Give me a little kiss.

- I'm going to give you nothing.
- Oh, yes, you are.

Oh, no, I'm not.

You're a...

You're getting nothing from me.

Hey. That's not fair.

You're younger than I am.

You're right, why
don't you act your age?

Heck, that's no fun.

Yahoo!

Here we go.

If you don't stop
chasing me, I'll...

I'm gonna punish you.

- How?
- I'm gonna let you catch me.

Yahoo!

Now I got you.

You better pucker up, honey.

Here I come.

[GRUNTS]

You're a frisky little devil.

But I like them that way.

Yahoo.

I think you're
trying to avoid me.

- Come and get me, buster.
- I'll get you.

You're taking your vitamins.

I still insist that was no way
to treat the president of a bank.

Well, maybe not, but it was
the only way to treat a wolf.

How much of a wolf
could he be? He's over .

That's the worst kind. He's had
all those years of experience.

Oh, it couldn't
have been that bad.

You haven't spent an
evening being "yahooed" at.

Nevertheless, you had no right
to let him go to that banquet alone.

- Fortunately, he hasn't complained.
- Yeah, well, I'm complaining.

I spent two weeks' salary
on a beautiful new dress,

- and I didn't even get to wear it.
- Well...

[PHONE RINGS]

Mr. Mooney's office.

Yes, Gladys.

Mr. Heatherington's on his way in to
see Mr. Mooney? Thank you, Gladys.

What does he want?
I hope he isn't mad.

- I don't know.
- I hope there's no trouble. You never...

Oh! Mr. Heatherington, sir.

[GRUNTS]

Mooney, why can't you learn
to just bow from the waist?

I'm terribly sorry.
Won't you sit down?

No, thanks. No, thanks. I
just dropped in to say goodbye.

Oh. Oh, you're leaving.

Yep. But I'll be back
in a couple of months,

and I want you to get
the same date for me.

MOONEY: The same date?

Yep, she was a real swinger.

Well, uh, I'll do my best, sir.

Yeah. Well, thanks
again. Goodbye.

Goodbye, sir. Goodbye.

- Mrs. Carmichael.
- Yes, sir?

You make the swingingest
little old lady. I can hardly wait.

Yahoo! Yahoo!

Yahoo!

[ANNOUNCER READS ON-SCREEN TEXT]