06x08 - Lucy and Robert Goulet

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Lucy Show". Aired: October 1, 1962 – March 11, 1968.*
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Widow Lucy Carmichael raises her children and shares her home with divorcee friend Vivien.
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06x08 - Lucy and Robert Goulet

Post by bunniefuu »

[ANNOUNCER READS ON-SCREEN TEXT]

The Lucy Show.

Starring Lucille Ball.

ANNOUNCER:
Co-starring Gale Gordon.

Are you ready to order?

Oh, not yet. I'm
waiting for some friends.

Okay.

- Oh, Dottie.
- Hi, Lucy.

Where's Mary Jane?

Oh, she couldn't make it. Things
are very hectic at the studio.

Oh, you know, we've
been very busy at the bank.

What will it be, girls?

Oh, what will you have, Dottie?

Oh, gee, I don't
know, I'm on a diet.

Me too.

Lucy, you don't
have to lose weight.

I'm not dieting to lose weight,
I'm dieting to save money.

I thought you were going to
ask Mr. Mooney for a $ raise.

I did ask him,
but I didn't get it.

You know that he turned me
down for a measly $ raise,

but it's all right for him to
squander $ on film for his camera.

Gee, this is fascinating.

Would somebody like
to order something?

What do you want, Dorothy?

Well, I'll have a cup of tea.

And?

That's it.

And I'll have a
bowl of hot water.

A bowl of hot water?

Did you come here
to eat or take a bath?

And Dottie, uh, you'd like some
extra lemon with your tea, wouldn't you?

Oh, uh, some extra
lemon with my tea.

One tea, extra lemon,

a bowl of hot water.

Anything else,
Diamond Jane Brady?

No, that'll be all.

Boy, I don't like her attitude.

If she keeps that up, I'm not
coming in here to eat anymore.

What are those? What
have you got there?

Pictures of entries
in the contest.

What contest?

The Robert Goulet
look-alike contest.

Robert Goulet
look-alike contest?

The studio's having a contest
to promote his new picture,

The Long Ride of Marshal Burke.

And they're giving $

to the man who looks
most like Robert Goulet.

Oh, boy, $ .

Here we are.

Tea.

Extra lemon.

A bowl of hot water.

Eat hearty.

Oh, she's too much, isn't she?

I'm sorry, Dottie,
I'm sorry, forgive me.

I forget to cover it.

There we are.

Congratulations, you're
winning the w*r on poverty.

Well, we all have to do our bit.

Mm.

Listen, Dottie,

those look-alike contests,
are they ever on the level?

Of course. What makes
you think they're not?

Well, I once entered an
Elizabeth Taylor look-alike contest,

and I never even
heard from them.

You expected to win an
Elizabeth Taylor look-alike contest?

Oh, of course not, I'm too tall.

Hi, Mr. Mooney, I'm back.

Mrs. Carmichael, you take
longer to eat lunch than Henry VIII.

Oh.

I had to do a little
shopping and I...

Please, please, no
excuses. Will you get to work?

- We have a lot to do. Please. Please.
- Yes, sir. Yes.

Ma'am, I wonder if
you could help me.

Oh, I certainly hope so.

I'd, uh...

I'd like to apply for a loan. My
name is Chuck Willis and, uh...

Oh.

Well, I thought you were...

Your name is Chuck Willis?

Something wrong with that name?

Oh, no, sir. No,
sir, I love it. I love it.

Uh, you want to
apply for a loan.

Well, right over here. See
this gentleman right here.

Mr. Mooney.

Mr. Mooney, uh, this gentleman
would like to apply for a loan.

- This is Mr. Willis.
- Mr. Willis.

I have a small, uh,
trucking business.

Very small. Just got one
truck which needs some work.

Uh, it'll take about bucks to fix it
up, and I'd like to borrow the money.

Well, do you have any
collateral, Mr. Willis?

- Well, only my truck.
- Uh-huh.

Here's the registration slip.

Uh-huh. That...

Mr. Willis, this
truck is years old.

Well, that's why
it needs fixing.

I'm very sorry,
Mr. Willis. I'm sorry.

LUCY: Mr. Willis.

Mr. Willis, do you
really need money?

Oh, no. No. No. I'm really
an eccentric millionaire.

Of course I need money.
I gotta get that truck fixed.

Yeah, I know. Well, I know how
you can get a brand-new truck

just by having
your picture taken.

- My picture taken?
- Yeah.

And you'll get $ ,

which you will split with me
because I will arrange everything.

You know, you're a little nuts.

Well, now, that may be.
But you know something?

You look just like
Robert Goulet.

Who?

Robert Goulet.

I never heard of him.

Well, anyway, you look like him.

And Mammoth
Studio is giving $

to the man who looks
the most like him.

Now, what have you got to lose?

My mind.

Now, look. Now, listen to me.

You just be at this
address tonight.

I'll take your picture and
your troubles will be over.

You just look at the birdie
and, pow, instant money.

- You know something?
- What?

We don't need
no birdie. You'll do.

- Now, what do you mean by that?
- You're a cuckoo.

Would you stop it? I'm
just trying to help you.

Okay. Okay. Like you say,
what have I got to lose, right?

- Good. Don't lose the address.
- Good.

- No. No.
- And be there at : , okay?

- I'll be there.
- All right. You won't regret it.

Okay.

Mr. Mooney. Mr. Mooney,
I have wonderful news.

Good. When are you quitting?

I'm not quitting.

Mammoth Studio is running a
Robert Goulet look-alike contest.

Robert Gou-who?

Robert Goulet.

He's a big star and I have the
winner of that look-alike contest.

Well, bull-ee, I hope
you'll both be very happy.

Mr. Mooney, that man, that
Mr. Willis that was just in here.

He's a cinch to win the
contest. He'll get first prize.

And all you have to
do is take his picture.

Who takes what?

Well, I can't afford a
professional photographer.

And even if I could, he
wouldn't be as good as you are.

Why, you just take
wonderful, wonderful pictures.

This picture of Mrs.
Mooney is just fantastic.

That is a picture of
the Grand Canyon.

You know, it does look like
Irma with her mouth open.

Yeah. Well, anyway,
it's a marvelous picture.

Why, it's like a da Vinci.

- Da Vinci was a painter.
- Oh.

And I am a banker
and I have work to do.

And so do you. Will
you please get at it?

Now, go, go, go.

Well, there goes all that money.

Hold it.

All what money?

Well, that's what I'm trying to tell you.
The winner of the contest gets $ .

And Mr. Willis is giving me
half for arranging everything.

Now, do you realize
what my half comes to?

Certainly. Twelve
hundred and fifty dollars.

Right... Twelve
hundred and fifty?

Half of is .

Yes, and half of
your is my .

You're joking.

Then why aren't you laughing?

Well, why should you get half of
my half? I'll give you percent.

Mrs. Carmichael, you do not
bargain with Leonardo da Vinci.

Oh, come on in, Mr. Mooney.

Good heavens, do
you need all that junk?

This "junk" happens to be
some of the most expensive

photographic equipment
money can buy.

- Okay.
- Uh, is Willis here yet?

Yes, he's inside
getting into his costume.

- Costume?
- Yeah.

I borrowed a
Western outfit for him.

Just to take a picture?

Yes. Now, all the other contestants are
sending in plain head sh*ts, you know.

But Robert Goulet is playing
a marshal in the picture,

so we photograph Chuck
as a Western marshal.

Now, that is showmanship.

I must admit, Mrs.
Carmichael, you are thinking.

Thank you.

Which is more than
you do in the bank.

- Why do you always have to add that?
- Well, it is true.

- Good heavens. Look at this.
- Hmm? Let's see now. What?

Who's that?

It's Robert Goulet.

And he's in his Western
outfit for the picture, see?

Now, when I get through with Chuck,
he's going to look exactly like that.

- I have all the makeup right here.
- Mm.

See?

Greasepaint, rouge, eye shadow,
eyebrow pencil, mascara. Everything.

Wouldn't plastic
surgery be simpler?

Well, here's our marshal now.

LUCY: Wow.

Oh, you must give me
the name of your tailor.

It does look a little snug.

I got a tattoo that's looser.

Oh, I can't understand
it. I got a size .

I'm a size .

Oh, well, I'm sorry.
Sit down, Chuck.

Yeah. Ha-ha-ha.

Sit in these pants?
You've got to be kidding me.

Come on now. You've got to sit
down while I put the makeup on you.

Makeup?

Oh, no, you're not putting
any of that guck on me.

Now, I have to.

I have to make you up to look
like Robert Goulet in the picture.

Now, if you want to
win the $ , sit down.

Well, okay, but I never figured

that I'd have to put on
makeup to get my truck fixed.

Now then,

take off your hat.

I can't. My arms don't bend.

Oh, all right.

There.

Now...

Now, I'm going to have to give
you some real bushy eyebrows,

because Mr. Goulet is wearing
very bushy eyebrows in this picture,

and all Western marshals, you know,
they have those big bushy eyebrows.

Is it always this painful?

LUCY: Not at all.

- Hold still.
- Ugh.

LUCY: Yeah.

Now, I'm going to put eye shadow
up here because I want you to look...

Close your eyes,
and relax your face.

I want you to look
real Western...

I should've done...

What's that?

Haven't you ever
seen a horse before?

That's a horse?

Well, now, what did you
expect for $ , Man o' w*r?

Come on, Chuck.

What's taking him so long? You
sure you got the right flash bulbs?

MOONEY: Well, of course.
LUCY: Come on, Chuck, hurry up.

Hurrying in this outfit
would be su1c1de.

- What's that?
- That is a horse.

You are a marshal,
you got to have a horse.

Now, come on,
leap into the saddle.

- Not with these pants on.
- Come on, now, Chuck.

We gotta have you up there so
we can take the picture. Come on.

[CHUCK SIGHS]

[GROANS]

Forget it, there's no way
to get up in that hammock.

All right, Mr. Mooney, don't just
stand there. Come on, help him up.

All right, then.

Well, now, let's see.
Ahem. How can we...?

- You, uh...
- Grab my leg. Grab my leg.

Your leg. Alrighty.

LUCY: Leg up. Here we go.
- Are you ready?

LUCY: Up and over.

[CHUCK YELLS]

Put me down. Put me down.

Down.

Forget it. I told
you it's impossible.

Now, Chuck,
nothing is impossible.

Now, you gotta get up there
so we can take the picture.

Now, come on.

- All right.
- Let's see, uh...

If I... Or maybe...

No, the same way.

- Come here.
- No.

I'll bet they didn't have this much
trouble making Gone with the Wind.

Come here, Dobbin.

- All right. Come on.
- Come here. Come on.

Yeah. There you go.

Oh, good. Good, good. Yeah.
You're doing fine. You're doing fine.

Get your leg over there.

[CHUCK GRUNTING]

LUCY: Okay.

All right, now.

Okay. How's that?

How could anything
stuffed with hay be this hard?

All right, Mr. Mooney,
are you ready? Come on.

- Oh, I'm ready. LUCY:
Sure you got the right bulb?

Now, Chuck. Chuck, I
want you to sit up straight

and look off into the sunset.

No. No, Chuck.

The sunset's over there.
Don't look like an Indian.

Put your hand back
there. Look off there.

And get that special look that
Western marshals have, you know?

All right. All right,
now, Chuck, smile.

Smile about what?

Smile.

Good. I got it. I got it.
Oh, that was a good one.

- That was a beauty.
- Okay. Are you sure?

- Yes. I have... Everything's...
- All right.

Now, you can get down, Chuck.

That's what you think.

Help him down.
Give me the camera.

- Be careful. Be careful. Be careful.
- I will. I will.

- Come on.
- Okay.

Here we go.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Here you are.

Now, you're sure you got
a good one, Mr. Mooney?

Oh, it was perfect. Perfect.

I want to tell you, Chuck,
that's $ in the bag.

Isn't that great? You'll be able to
get rid of your broken-down truck.

Well, right now, that old broken-down
truck is in better shape than I am.

Oh, boy, $ . I
sure hope we won.

Well, if I do say so myself,

that was one of the best
pictures I've ever taken.

LUCY: Yeah?
- Yeah.

I hope you had the
right lens for tight pants.

Well, you know the
contest is over at : today,

and Dorothy promised to come
right over and tell us who won.

Well, whatever
happens, I sure appreciate

all the trouble
you went to for me.

Well, it was a pleasure, Chuck.

Oh, I hope that's Dorothy.

Five thousand dollars.

- Hi, Dottie.
- Hi, Lucy.

Oh, boy, have we
been waiting for you.

I got here as soon as I could.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Mr. Goulet, what
are you doing here?

Ah-ha. You see,
what did I tell you?

That is not Mr. Goulet.

- It isn't?
- No, it isn't.

Then who is it?

Oh, I think you
probably know his name.

How would I know his name?

Well, now, who won the contest?

Arthur Finster.

Arthur Finster?

Arthur Finster?

Who's Arthur Finster?

Well, he won first prize.

Melvin Kopple was second
and Irving Schwartz third.

Oh, but it's too bad he
didn't enter the contest.

Oh, I'm sure Mr. Goulet would
have picked him as the winner.

But he did enter.

- He did?
- Yes, he did.

I told you those
contests were fake.

You know, tomorrow, we're going
over there and see Mr. Robert Goulet.

- What for?
- I'm not going to let him get away.

I let Elizabeth Taylor get
away with it, but never again.

How did Elizabeth
Taylor get into this?

Yeah, well...

[SINGING] There's nothing
wrong In being sentimental


If the one you love
Is sweet and strong


And gentle

Put pride aside

And tell me that you love me

And maybe a tear

Will show

That I love you

You know, that's
really very catchy.

- I'm glad... HURLOW:
You really wrote it yourself?

- Yes, I wrote it myself.
- Wonderful.

[PHONE BUZZES]

ROBERT: Thank you.
- Excuse me. Mr. Goulet's office.

Oh, okay.

They want you on
the set in minutes.

Okay. I'll go on and change.

Okay.

Mr. Goulet,

the photo lab sent this over.

Thank you.

You had it enlarged?

Oh, yeah. If things get
really grim around here,

I can always get a
good laugh from this.

Can you imagine some nut
sending this into the contest?

You know, it does
look a little like you.

Oh, I wish you hadn't said that.

That's the worst thing
that's been said about me

since I forgot the words to
"The Star-Spangled Banner."

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Goulet,

but ever since we had that
contest, everybody looks like you.

Don't forget I had to look
at thousands of Goulets.

I had to look at tall Goulets, short
Goulets, fat Goulets, thin Goulets,

brunet Goulets, blond
Goulets, bald Goulets,

French Goulets, Italian Goulets,
German Goulets, Hungarian Goulets...

Take it easy. It's all over,
and you're going to be all right.

Well, but I've only got two
more visits to my psychiatrist left.

Well, that's fine. Just relax,
and take it easy, and sit down.

Oh, dear, I've
got to have quiet.

Ah-ha!

I'm glad you like it.

May I help you?

Chuck, come in here.

Look.

There it is.

Chuck?

Now, that proves that
you entered the contest.

Holy Toledo. No
wonder I never won.

Never mind that. There's
something crooked going on here.

We're going to get
to the bottom of it.

- Chuck? CHUCK: Now, look,

I have had enough, and I
don't want any more trouble.

We've got trouble, they gave it
to us. We're going to give it back.

No, no, you give it back. I'll
wait for you outside in the hall.

Oh, Chuck.

I would like to see
Mr. Goulet, please.

So would I.

So would I.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

ROBERT [OVER
INTERCOM]: Yes, Miss Hurlow?

Is that you, Mr. Goulet?

ROBERT: Of course, it's me. Who
were you expecting, Arthur Finster?


Ah-ha. So they know each
other. Then it was fixed.

Whoever you are, you'd
better come out here.

What's going on, Miss Hurlow?

That is what I would
like to know, Mr. Goulet.

- And who are you?
- Never mind who I am.

Come with me. Come, come.

What have you got
to say about him?

I must be hitting
too many high notes.

Mr. Goulet?

I wouldn't bet on it.

Chuck.

CHUCK: Yeah.
- Come in here.

Now, we're going
into Mr. Goulet's office,

and we're going to find out
about this. Now, get in there.

Don't leave me.

Why not?

Because if I'm cracking up, I
don't want to be out here alone.

- What's the matter with you?
- I'm sick.

Mr. Goulet?

No, I'm Chuck.

What happened? What happened?

- It's wonderful.
- What? What's wonderful?

Mr. Goulet just hired
me as his double.

What?

And I'm getting a salary I
never heard of in my whole life.

Hey, you know, that
Goulet is sure a nice guy.

He's a lousy actor,
but a nice guy.

- You'll like him.
- I'll like him?

Yeah, he wants to
have you out for lunch

- to thank you for getting us together.
- Me? Lunch with Mr. Goulet?

CHUCK: Yeah.
- When?

- Tomorrow. Tomorrow.
- Tomorrow?

How about that? Ha, ha.

I'm in show business.

Oh, gee.

Oh, gee, did you hear that? I'm
going to have lunch with Robert Goulet.

- That's nice.
- Oh, my hair.

HURLOW: What's the matter?
- I gotta do my hair. What'll I wear?

Where will we go?
What'll we have?

- Champagne, I bet. And
caviar. HURLOW: I don't know.

LUCY: Champagne and caviar.

- Mr. Goulet?
- Chuck?

No, I'm Arthur Finster.

[ANNOUNCER READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]

The Lucy Show.
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