06x10 - Lucy's Mystery Guest

[bunniefuu]

[ANNOUNCER READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]

ANNOUNCER:
Co-starring Gale Gordon.

Oh, Lucy, that was so good.

It was so nice of you to
invite me for breakfast,

but you didn't have
to go to all this bother.

Oh, what bother?
Everything's frozen.

The orange juice, my
pancakes, your waffle,

even the sausages. All I
had to do was heat them up.

It's a wonderful age we live in. Any
food you want, you can get frozen.

Yeah, but it does
have its drawbacks.

Last week I ate
a little too fast.

Instead of getting
heartburn, I got frostbite.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Oh, I mustn't forget
to water that plant.

MARY JANE: Oh, hey.
- What?

MARY JANE: I never
saw that plant before.

Oh, well it's not mine. It
belongs to Mrs. Stevens.

I'm taking care of it
for her for a few days.

- She's going out of town.
- Yes, I know.

- I'm keeping her dog.
- Oh?

Yeah, he's a cute little thing.
He's such good company.

Well that may be, but
the plant is housebroken.

So is the dog. He gets to
the morning paper before I do.

[LAUGHING]

- Hey, I forgot. I picked up your mail.
- Oh, thank you, Mary Jane.

- Here it is.
- Oh, dear.

Occupant. Occupant.
Occupant. Nothing but junk mail.

Oh, it makes me so mad. It's a
waste of time reading this stuff, isn't it?

They spend so much money

and they're always advertising
things you don't want.

You know, things you couldn't
possibly use in your home.

Like last week I got a free trial
offer for a million earthworms.

What would I do with
a million earthworms?

What would you do with
half a million earthworms?

Ha, ha! Oh, Mary.

- Oh, you made such a mess.
- Oh, darn.

- Oh, Lucy!
- What?

- Oh, look what you did.
- Oh, don't tell me, I tore up a check.

A bill, yes, but not a check.

No, it isn't a bill or a check.

- It's a personal letter.
- How can you tell?

It's hand written, it
says, "Coming to vis..."

"Coming to vis... ""Coming to
vis..." Somebody's coming to vis me.

- But who is it?
- We've got to find out who it is.

Well, save that one.

- Ooh, here's a piece.
- Yeah? What's it say?

It says, "I'll arrive Tu..."

Well, that means that
someone will arrive at : .

No, no, the word "Tu" is
spelled with a capital T-u.

That must mean Tuesday,
it can't mean Thursday.

And today is Tuesday.

That means whoever's
coming is coming today.

- We gotta find out who it is.
- Here, save this one.

- Here's a piece.
- What's it say?

" : p..." That means that
they're coming at : today.

Tonight. Oh, that's good.

At least you won't have to take
off work to meet whoever it is.

Now that you mention it, I'd better
get to work or Mr. Mooney will k*ll me.

Get to work? Lucy,
where's your curiosity?

How can you leave
this unsolved riddle?

Who's leaving it?
I'm taking it with me.

Mr. Mooney will just k*ll
me if I'm late again today.

- I knew it!
- Aah!

Oh, Mr. Mooney. You knew what?

Sooner or later you'd wind
up cutting out paper dolls.

Oh, this? Well, there's a
very good reason for this.

I know, I know.
You're a little early

- but Happy New Year.
- Oh, Mr. Mooney.

Now does that have anything
to do with bank business?

- No, sir.
- Then get rid of it!

- Did you finish filing those reports?
- No, sir. I'll do it right now, sir.

No you won't. I have
to dictate some letters.

- Come, come, come. Hurry up!
- Yes, sir!

- Now, you can finish filing tonight.
- Yes, sir.

The, uh, first letter goes
to Andrew and Gaynes.

Gentlemen: Regarding
your letter of the st...

- Oh, Mr. Mooney.
- Now what?

I just remembered I can't
work overtime tonight.

I'm expecting a visitor.

- Oh? A relative?
- Uh, well...

A friend?

- Uh...
- What's her name?

I don't know.

You're expecting a visitor.
You don't know her name?

Well, come to think of it, I
don't even know if it's a her.

Oh, it's a him.

- I don't know.
- You don't know?

Mrs. Carmichael, it's got to be
a him or a her, that's all there is.

Well, it could be an it.

Uh, if you don't mind,
shall we continue?

- Yes, sir.
- Where were we?

Well, I was just telling you why
I couldn't work overtime tonight.

I don't mean that. I
mean in the dictation.

- Oh, uh, the st.
- The st...

[PHONE RINGING]

Excuse me.

Mr. Mooney's office.
Oh, no, Mary Jane.

No, I still don't know
who the letter's from.

Well, I haven't
found any more clues.

No, well, I had to stop looking
because, uh, your know who came in.

- Well... Aah!
- Mrs. Carmichael!

Oh, Mr. Mooney.

You scared me
half out of my wits.

Oh, don't ever give
me an opening like that.

Now, Mrs. Carmichael,
remember this is a bank,

not a missing persons bureau.

Come on, come on, come on!

I would like to get
just one letter finished

- before the bank retires me.
- Yes, sir.

All right. Andrew and Gaynes.

Gentlemen: Regarding your letter

- of the st. We...
- Oh.

Goodbye, Mary Jane.

[BABBLING]

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello? Oh, it's you
again, Mary Jane.

No, I still don't know
who's coming to vis me.

I haven't the
faintest idea who it is.

Well, I never found all
the pieces of the letter.

Yeah, I just got home.
Oh, I had to work late.

I know it's past : .

Look, even if
Mr. Mooney let me off early

I wouldn't know whether to meet a
bus, a plane, a train or a dog sled.

Anyway, anyone who wrote
me the letter knows my address.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Yeah. The doorbell.
There's someone at the door.

Yeah, if it's my
guest, I'll let you know.

Coming!

Aunt Agatha!

Well, Lucille, I'm glad
you recognize me.

Why didn't you meet
me at the airport?

Oh, then you're it.

- What do you mean I am it?
- Well, I... I...

Oh, I got your
letter but I tore it up.

- You tore it up?
- Yeah, well, it was an accident.

It was a big mix-up.
What did your letter say?

I was coming to
town for a short visit.

- Oh, how short?
- A month or two.

Oh, wonderful.

How come you're not staying with
Cousin Clara like you usually do?

Because Clara is a hypocrite.
She only likes me for my money.

- Oh.
- You know, I'm seriously thinking

- of cutting her out of my will.
- Oh.

Well, never mind about
Cousin Clara. It's been years

since we've seen one another. Let
me take a good look at you, Lucille.

- Ha, ha.
- Turn around.

You look terrible.

Thank goodness I'm not too late.
I'll have you feeling better in no time.

- But I feel fine.
- You only think you feel fine.

I can tell by the way
you look you're a wreck.

And it's no wonder!

You don't eat properly,
you don't live properly.

You don't even breathe properly.

The first thing I'm going to
do is get some fresh air in here.

Oh, Aunt Agatha, I wouldn't
open the windows if I were you.

The nights out here in
California are very chilly.

Oh, nonsense. Just look
at all that fresh air out there.

I can't see it, the
smog gets in the way.

Well, it's better than
the stale air in here.

- And another thing, Lucille.
- What?

I'm gonna see to it
that you eat properly.

Oh, really, Aunt Agatha, I eat
fine. I have a very healthy appetite.

- What's all that?
- That's health food.

We have carrot juice,
blackstrap molasses,

wheat germ, yogurt,
potted papayas,

powdered pollen, herb
tea and cod liver oil.

- You sell that stuff?
- I eat it.

- You eat it?
- Certainly.

What do you think makes
me look the way I do?

I wondered about that.

- I mean you sure look great.
- Well, certainly I do.

And in a few weeks’ time,
with fresh air and proper food,

I'll have you looking
just as good as I do.

- Oh, that'll be nice.
- Mm-hm.

Let me get some sensible
clothes on you, too.

What do you mean,
sensible clothes?

Well, get out of those high heels,
they're very bad for your arches.

And look at that skirt. Cover your
knees. Do you want rheumatism?

No, I don't want rheumatism.

From now on, I'm going to
see that you're clothed properly.

- Well, now Aunt Agatha...
- No, don't thank me. I'm glad to do it.

- Where do I sleep?
- Oh, in my bedroom. I have twin beds.

- You mean I share a room?
- Oh...

Cousin Clara always
gave me a room to myself.

Well, on second thought, you can have
the bedroom and I'll sleep on the sofa.

You mean, you'll have the
television set instead of me?

Oh, well... Um, no, no. I'll
move the TV set into your room

and if I want to watch television, I'll
just come in and watch it with you.

I won't have any privacy?

Now look, you can have the television
set and the bedroom all to yourself.

And if I want to watch TV, I'll go up
and watch in my friend's apartment.

And leave me here all alone?

Don't worry, Aunt Agatha.
We'll work something out.

Come on, I'll show
you your room.

- That will have to go.
- What?

- That.
- It's just a plant.

Just a plant? It's
a tropical monster.

Do you realize how much
oxygen this thing uses up?

And the dirt in the pot is a
breeding ground for germs.

No wonder you look terrible.

- This will have to go immediately.
- I'd like to do as you say, Aunt Agatha.

But that plant doesn't belong to
me. I'm keeping it for a neighbor.

Oh, then I'll have to spray
it to get rid of the germs.

That ought to do it. Come on.

[PHONE RINGING]

Oh excuse me. The
bedroom is right in there.

Hello. Oh, hello, Mary Jane.

I can't talk to you now,
I got aunts in my plants.

AGATHA: All right,
Lucy. Time to get up.

Rise and shine!

Let's not sleep our lives away.

Hit the deck! Up and at them.

Come on, sleepy
head. Get up, Lucille.

Lucille.

Lucille!

[SCREAMING]

I'm having a
nightmare. Oh, it's you.

What?

- Where am I? What time is it?
- It's : .

Five o'clock! I didn't go to
work. I missed the whole day.

- It's : in the morning.
- Five o'clock in the morning?

Oh, well, I always
sleep until .

Not anymore you don't.

You're going to
take some exercises.

- Come on, Lucille.
- Uh...

- Come on, stand up. On your feet.
- What?

- Exercises are good for people.
- Exercises?

The earlier the
better. Stand up, dear.

All right, chest out,
chin up, straighten up.

Now I think we'd better
start with breathing.

Take a deep, deep breath.

Inhale, exhale. Inhale...

- Why aren't you inhaling?
- I can't. My lungs are still asleep.

I know just what
will wake them up.

Indian clubs.

Swing the clubs
all over the place,

they give you charm,
they give you grace.

Now watch this.

[HUMMING]

Strong body, Strong mind.
Twirl the clubs and you'll unwind.

See how simple that
is. Now you try it, Lucille.

Come along, dear. One
in each hand. That's right.

Stand up. That's
right. Now, in tempo.

[HUMMING]

- You're in worse shape than I thought.
- I need my rest, Aunt Agatha.

Oh, no, you don't. You need
to get your blood circulating.

Now stand up. Straighten
up there. Chest up. Now.

We're gonna do a
lovely bending exercise.

Watch me.

One. Two. Three. Four.
Bend down and touch the floor.

Do it with me, Lucille.

One. Two. Three. Four.
Bend down and touch the floor.

One. Two.

- Stay awake!
- What, what, what?

Now, we're going to
do our running exercise.

Running?

We're gonna do the
equivalent of one mile.

- One mile?
- Okay. Two miles.

Left right, left right, come
on. Left, right, left, right, higher.

And away we go!

Talk about tired blood.
You haven't got any at all.

Aunt Agatha, I get
pooped out at work.

Don't poop me out before
I go in to get pooped out.

Exercise is invigorating. You'll
put in a better day at the office.

Now stand up, Lucille. Straighten
up here, straighten up! Chin up.

Now. We're going to do our trunk
twist. It's very good for the waist.

Now watch this. You raise
the arms to shoulder height,

and then you thrust!

Sorry about that.

I think this is a little too
much for the first morning.

- Let me break in gradually.
- Ha!

The younger
generation can't take it.

Well, I admit it. Maybe, I'll feel
better after I make us some breakfast.

- I've already had mine.
- I hope you found bacon and eggs.

- I found them. I threw them out.
- You threw them out?

They're pure poison. I made
you a good, healthy breakfast.

Come along. Come on,
Lucille. You're going to enjoy this.

Sit down. That's it. There!

- What's that?
- That's wheat germ, soy bean, yogurt,

black strap molasses and a nice
glass of lukewarm cod liver oil.

Open your mouth
and swallow it down.

- You'll be the healthiest girl in town.
- I don't want to be that healthy.

- Oh, yes. Bottoms up.
- No, no.

- Come on, Lucille.
- No, no, no!

That's a good girl. All the way.

That's it, Lucille!
There now. There!

[SCREAMS]

That's good.

Good morning, Mr. Mooney.

Goo...

Good heavens. They've
grounded Mary Poppins.

Well, I'm sorry about all this,
but it's my Aunt Agatha's idea.

She's the visitor I told
you about yesterday.

She's come to stay with me.

- And she made you dress like that?
- Yes. And that's not all.

She's a health nut. She makes
me eat all kinds of crazy foods

and wakes me up at in the
morning and makes me do exercises.

She sounds impossible.

Yeah, and I have to sleep on
the sofa and she took my bedroom.

She sounds obnoxious.

The only reason I put up with
her is because she's very rich.

She sounds charming.

Well, she's not. All she's done
since she arrived is boss me around.

She just orders me every place.

I've never seen anybody
as bossy as she is.

She's even worse than you.

I mean...

Mrs. Carmichael, let me
give you a word of advice.

Try to tolerate your
aunt's eccentricities.

I don't know if I
can. She's nuts.

Mrs. Carmichael, when
you are poor, you're nuts.

When you are rich,
you're eccentric.

Oh, boy is she eccentric.

Well, let's try and get
some work done, shall we?

- Yes, sir.
- Would you bring me the file

- on the Wilson account please?
- Yes, sir.

Lucille. Lucille.

Oh, Aunt Agatha, what
are you doing here?

When you left this morning you
forgot the lunch I prepared for you.

I know. I mean, I'm sorry.

This will keep your
strength up through the day.

There's an organic salad in
there with sunflower seeds

and a freshly
ground pollen burger.

Oh, goody. Goody.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, Aunt Agatha, this
is my boss, Mr. Mooney.

How do you do, madam?

Just shake it. Don't
get germs on it.

Now, remember Lucille, you're to
eat your luncheon at exactly at : .

We're going to have
dinner precisely at : .

You're not to have any
sweets or soft drinks in between.

And you.

You're to give her a -minute
exercise break at exactly : .

Now Lucille...

- Are you sure this is your boss?
- Yes, why?

He looks kind of shifty-eyed
to be working in a bank.

Madam, I assure
you I'm as honest as...

Maybe so, but I have a
motto: Never trust a fat banker!

- Do you still think she's charming?
- Yes. She has all the charm

of a clogged up drain.

In a few weeks, we'll have the
healthiest wastebasket in town.

You know, I don't object to
her eating all those health foods.

But why does she have
to force me to eat them?

I'm a steak and potatoes girl.

- Then that's what you should eat.
- I can't. She threw them all out.

Buy some more.
After all, it's your home.

- You're right.
- Of course I'm right.

You assert yourself immediately

and nip this female
Cossack in the bud.

Now, you cook
yourself a steak tonight.

- I'll do it.
- Good, good!

Oh, and Mr. Mooney,
will you do me a favor?

- What?
- Will you come home with me tonight

just to give me moral support?

Uh, well, I'd love to but I have to
take my wife to a rummage sale.

Again? You took her to a
rummage sale last week.

Yes, but nobody bought her.

Aunt Agatha! Aunt Agatha! What
are those things spitting at me?

Those are vaporizers.
They're to moisten the air.

So that every breath we breathe
will be invigorating and healthy.

Yeah, well I don't like
the idea of them, see?

I want to talk to you about
something, Aunt Agatha...

- We'll talk after dinner.
- Yeah, well that's another thing

I want to talk to you about.

Not now. Dinner's waiting.

Wait till you see the delicious
menu I prepared for you tonight.

We have safflower oil
with sesame seed salad,

ground bone meal,
and a seaweed soufflé.

Well, I hope you enjoy it.
Because I am having a steak.

- You're having what?
- A steak.

And tomorrow night,
I'm having chops

and the night after that, I'm
having breaded veal cutlets.

How dare you contaminate
my refrigerator with that junk?

Your refrigerator?
That is my refrigerator.

And it is my apartment and I
will eat what my tummy wants!

And those icky
things! And that! Ugh!

I never had this trouble when
I stayed with Cousin Clara.

Then why don't you go
stay with Cousin Clara.

I'm thinking of cutting
her out of my will.

I've got a suggestion for you.
Leave her in and cut me out.

Why, Lucille. You
leave me speechless.

Well, it's about
time somebody did.

Look, just because you
have money, doesn't mean

- you can run everybody's life.
- Nobody in the family has ever talked

- to me like this.
- Well, I'm doing it.

I don't need anybody to
tell me what I'm going to eat.

And I'm not going to wear
these crummy clothes either.

- What do you think of that?
- I like it.

I don't care if
you don't like it.

I think it's about time
somebody told you that you can...

You like it?

Yep. You've got spunk.
You've got backbone.

I only wish I had some
money so I could leave it to you.

What did you say?

Lucille, I have a
confession to make.

I'm a fraud.

A fraud?

I'm not rich.

The only way I manage to live
is by mooching off my relatives.

And if they knew I wasn't rich
they wouldn't let me stay with them.

It's as simple as that.

Lucille, I've been very lonely ever
since your Uncle Ned passed on.

I bought a cat to keep me company,
but after two weeks she ran away.

She didn't run away from me.
She ran away with a tomcat.

I couldn't blame her.
She was lonely too.

The only company I ever had was

when the kids came around
for trick or treat on Halloween.

And it was always so cold
out there in the Midwest.

I don't know, but...

The more alone you
are, the colder you feel.

So I took to playing
the rich widow.

I came out here, visited
my relatives in California

and I wasn't lonesome anymore
and I was a darn sight warmer.

But I got no complaints,
it was fun while it lasted.

- Where are you going?
- To pack my things and leave.

What do you mean, leave?

Now that you know I don't have any
money, you won't want me around.

Oh, you're wrong, Auntie.
Now I do want you around.

But on one condition: that
you live your life, and I live mine.

You eat what you want to
eat and I eat what I want.

- Okay. I'll have steak and potatoes.
- Steak and potatoes?

But what about
your health foods?

That was just to keep my relatives
healthy so I'd have some place to go.

Oh, come on, let's have some
steak and potatoes. Come on!

[ANNOUNCER READS ON-SCREEN TEXT]