06x12 - Lucy Sues Mooney

[bunniefuu]

[ANNOUNCER READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]

ANNOUNCER:
Co-starring Gale Gordon.

LUCY: Mr. Mooney.
- Uh, in here, in here.

Oh, there you are.
Good morning, sir.

Good morning, Mrs. Carmichael.

I want to thank you for giving up
your weekend to come over here

and help me catch up on my work.

Well, it's a pleasure

and I think you're being very
fair paying me time and a half.

Better than that, you are
getting portal-to-portal pay.

Portal-to-portal pay?
What does that mean?

That means that your pay begins

- from the time you leave home.
- Oh!

- When did you leave home?
- When I was .

I mean this morning.

Oh! Oh, I left about : . I wanted
to do some window shopping.

Uh, Mr. Mooney, do you think
I'd look good in a mini-skirt?

Yes, yes I do. It would
go with your mini-mind.

- Oh, Mr. Mooney.
- Okay.

- Let's get the work going.
- Okay.

First, I want to dictate an
inter-office memo here that...

- All right.
- Oh!

Before we start, would
you like a cup of tea?

Oh, I wouldn't wanna
bother your wife.

- Well, she isn't here.
- Oh!

No. no, she's away at one
of those reducing farms.

They're marvelous places.
Has she lost any weight?

- Twenty pounds.
- Twenty pounds. That's wonderful.

Wonderful? That's just one chin.

- Well, I'll go and make the tea.
- Oh, Mr. Mooney, let me make it.

Well, now, do you know
where everything is?

Sure, I been out
there lots of times.

MOONEY: All right, fine.
- Ow! Unh.

- What happened?
- Oh, I just fell over that silly thing.

- Are you all right?
- Oh, I think so.

- Well, let me help you.
- Ha, ha.

- Aah!
- Oh!

- What's the matter?
- It's just a little...

No, don't move.

We can't take any
chances. I'll call my doctor.

Oh, now, I don't
think that's necessary.

Let me be the judge
of that. You be quiet.

Don't move, don't move.

Hello, doctor? Mooney.
Been an emergency.

My slipretary fected and sell.

My secretary slipped and fell!

What? Well, just a moment ago.

I'll ask her. How do you feel?

Well, I'm somewhat bruised,
but otherwise, I'm not hurt.

Ah. She hurt her somewhat,
and bruised her otherwise.

Yes, will you hurry
over, doctor? My house.

All right, I'll tell her. Yes.
All right, doctor, hurry, hurry.

He said to sit quiet
until he gets here.

So that's what we're going to
do. We're going to be very quiet.

You must... Don't move. Don't
move now. Just relax. Just relax.

- Hi Lucy.
- Oh, hi. Come on in.

- Oh, Lucy, what a beautiful room.
- How about this? Look.

- And a view.
- Yep.

- And your own television.
- Yeah. What did you bring me?

- Oh, a box of candy.
- Thank you.

Gee, Lucy, I've been
awful worried about you.

Well, you can stop worrying.

There's absolutely
nothing wrong with me.

- There isn't?
- No.

Hey.

If there's nothing wrong
with you, I get first pick.

- Well, may I have one piece?
- Of course, I brought them for you.

- Give me, silly.
- Lucy.

- What?
- If there's nothing wrong with you,

- how come you're in the hospital?
- Uh, I'm here for a diagnostic analysis.

Diagnostic analysis.
What does that mean?

It means the doctor
needs the money.

Yeah, they took all
kinds of X-rays and tests

and found out that there's
absolutely nothing wrong with me.

As a matter of fact, I'm
getting ready to leave today.

- Oh, good.
- Yeah, they're...

They're trying to figure out the bill.
They're gonna bring me my release.

- Always takes such a long time.
- Yes, in hospitals today,

it takes them longer to figure out
the bill than to figure out the disease.

[LAUGHING]

- Boy, that bill must be a whopper.
- Well, I don't have to worry about it.

Mr. Mooney said that the bank
was going to take care of that.

- Really?
- Yeah. You know he's been very nice.

- He sent me those roses.
- Oh, aren't they beautiful?

Aren't they beautiful? And,
look, the bank sent these.

Oh, isn't that nice. What kind
of a settlement are they making?

- Settlement?
- Yeah.

Oh, you've got a
perfect lawsuit, you know.

You fell in Mr. Mooney's house
while doing work for the bank.

- Well, it wasn't his fault.
- Well, it was his house.

My cousin is a lawyer.
Lucy, he could help with this.

Oh, Mary Jane.

I don't wanna get mixed up with
any lawyers for such a little thing.

Little thing. My cousin wins
thousands of dollars for clients

who have much
smaller cases than this.

- Yeah, but I don't like to sue anybody.
- At least go and discuss it with him.

I wouldn't even know
what to discuss with him.

He'll tell you what
your legal rights are.

Now, please, for
my sake, go see him.

Well, all right.

Good. I'll make an
appointment for you.

Okay.

Now, let's see if I
can find another one.

Here you are, Mrs. Carmichael.

- What?
- Here's your release from the hospital.

[PHONE RINGS]

[IN NASAL VOICE] Hello,
Wallace W. Wiley, attorney at law.

He's in a conference,
one moment, I'll buzz him.

[MIMICS BUZZER]

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Hello,
Wallace Wiley speaking.

Oh, hello, Mary Jane.

No, Mrs. Carmichael
hasn't come in yet.

Now, don't worry, I'll
take good care of her.

Look, she's in good legal hands.

I intend to sue for
a million dollars.

That's right. And I won't settle
for a penny less than a thousand.

Now, Mary Jane,
don't worry. Don't worry.

They don't call me Wiley
Wally Wiley for nothing.

Goodbye.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

One moment.

Come in, please.

Oh, that's quite all right, sir.

Yes, I'm very glad you called.

Oh, any time you
want my legal opinion,

I'm happy to give it, sir.

That's right.

Yeah. Oh, any time you wish
to call, please feel free to do so.

Goodbye, sir. Oh!

And incidentally, give
my regards to Lady Bird.

Oh, my, were
you talking to the...

Please, that was a
very confidential call.

- Oh. Of course.
- I'm not allowed to discuss it.

- Hot line.
- Really?

- Now, you are, uh...?
- Lucille Carmichael, Mary Jane...

Oh, yes. Mary Jane asked me to
handle your case as a favor to her.

Well, you realize,
I'm a very busy man.

In fact, I'm on my
way now to have lunch

with a Supreme Court judge.

Oh, well, I really don't
wanna sue anybody, anyway,

so let's just forget the
whole thing, and I...

- I'm sorry that I troubled you.
- Oh, it's no trouble at all.

- Well, I...
- Justice must be done.

Well, I just don't wanna waste
your time with such a small case.

There are no small
cases, only small lawyers.

Now, if you'll just sit down,
we'll discuss the details, huh?

- Well...
- There you are.

Now, as Mary Jane
explained it to me...

[SIREN WAILING]

Well, I'll... I'll
get the next one.

Now, uh... Now, Mary
Jane explained to me

that you were working overtime at
your employer's house. Is that right?

- Yes.
- And you tripped

- and you injured yourself.
- Yes, that's right, but I feel fine now.

You don't feel fine now.

- But I do.
- Now, you don't.

Believe me, Mrs. Carmichael,

I know much more about
these things than you do.

Now, this may seen
like a little matter to you,

but you see, actually,
the pain that you feel now,

may recur in later years.

And you should definitely
be compensated legally.

But I only took a little fall.

- That's the worst kind.
- It is?

That's the kind of fall that we call
a traumatic cerebral concussion.

- What does that mean?
- It means you hurt your head.

Oh, that's not
the part I fell on.

Well, you tell me in your own
words, exactly what happened.

All right. Um...

I was at Mr. Mooney's house,
and I was taking dictation,

and I just got up to make some
tea, and I tripped over this ottoman.

And I took a little fall.

- Because Mr. Mooney pushed you.
- Oh, no. He didn't push me.

See, you don't remember.
It is a concussion.

I do so remember.
He did not push me.

Hmm. Uh, let me ask you
another question, Mrs. Carmichael.

The ottoman that was
in Mr. Mooney's house

- does it belong to him?
- Yeah, I guess.

Then it was his fault. You
see, we have a terrific case.

Well, I still don't feel
that I should sue him.

- We'll sue him for a million dollars.
- Oh, Mr. Mooney is my friend.

I don't wanna sue a friend.

You know money isn't
everything, Mr. Wiley, I...

A million dollars!

Maybe he did push me.

It happened so fast, I'm not
sure. I really don't remember.

It was a concussion,
you don't remember.

It was his ottoman. It
happened at his house.

And he is definitely guilty
of contributory negligence.

Now, if you will just sign this
agreement, we'll start to work on

- the lawsuit immediately.
- Yeah, well...

Gee, I don't know. I've been working
for Mr. Mooney for a very long time.

And he is my friend. I don't
think it's right to sue a friend.

Oh, I can understand how
you feel Mrs. Carmichael.

And your feelings are
very commendable,

but we're not suing
Mr. Mooney personally.

Well, this paper
says we're suing him.

Mere technicality.

You see, actually, you were working
with Mr. Mooney on bank's business.

- Yeah.
- In effect, you are suing the bank.

You see, there's nothing
personal about this lawsuit.

Oh, well, if there's nothing
personal about it, then I'll sign it.

You made a wise decision.
I'm sure that you won't regret it.

I hope not.

One small, minor
matter, Mrs. Carmichael.

- What's that?
- I am handling this case

on a contingency basis,

which means I get paid out
of the money that you win.

That's good.

However, there are certain
preliminary expenses.

I'll have to have a small retainer
before I begin, heh, from you.

- From me?
- Mm-hm.

- How much?
- A thousand dollars.

A thousand dollars. Well, I
don't have that much money.

How much do you have?

- Five dollars.
- I'll take it.

I'll get the habeas corpus drawn
up, we'll have all the writs, the briefs,

and in no time we'll
establish the modus operandi,

and we'll be all set.

[SIREN WAILING]

[PHONE RINGS]

Mr. Mooney's office.
Oh, hi, Mary Jane.

No, no I haven't
told Mr. Mooney yet.

But I'm sure he'll understand
that there's nothing personal in it.

Yeah, well, I'm going to tell
him as soon as he comes in.

I'll talk to you later. Bye.

- Good morning, Mrs. Carmichael.
- Oh, good morning, Mr. Mooney.

Oh, my, it's certainly
nice having you back.

Thank you, it's good to be back.

By the way, did you
get those flowers I sent?

Oh, yes, and I must
say, they were beautiful.

- For what they cost, they should be.
- Ha, ha.

Mr. Mooney, um, I want to
discuss something with you.

Oh, now, Mrs. Carmichael,

if you are worried about money
being deducted from your salary

for the days you
missed, forget about it.

You are being paid in full.

Oh, well that's wonderful,
but what I wanted to discuss...

I know you want to thank
me for being so thoughtful.

I feel that if I am
fair to my employees,

they in turn will be fair to me.

Oh, yes, sir. However, I...

Mrs. Carmichael, please,
can we get to work.

Get your book, please.

But, Mr. Mooney,
I have to tell you...

I don't want you to
thank me anymore.

I know I'm a nice guy.

- But it embarrasses me. Yes.
- Yes, sir.

Now, let's see, I
had a letter here.

The first letter goes to Burton
and Irvine, East st Street.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come in.

- Mr. Mooney?
- Uh, yes, I'm Mr. Mooney.

- Theodore J. Mooney?
- Yes.

Here, this is for you.

- What is it?
- A summons.

A summons? Why...
Of all the nerve!

- Uh, Mr. Mooney?
- What?

- Can I take my coffee break now?
- No.

What stupid idiot would
do a thing like this?

- Lucille Carmichael!
- You called me, sir?

What is the meaning of this?

That's what I was trying
to tell you, Mr. Mooney.

I was trying to explain, it's a
lawsuit, because of the accident I had.

You're suing me?

- Yeah, but...
- Oh, you ingrate.

You red-headed Benedict Arnold!

But Mr. Mooney, let me explain.
I'm suing you in name only.

There's nothing personal in it.

Oh.

- You do understand, don't you?
- Yes, yes, I do.

I hope you will understand that
there's nothing personal in this either.

- In what?
- You're fired!

Out! Out! Get out! Out!

You mean it, you
mean I'm really fired?

- Yes, I... Out! You're fired! Out!
- I have to get my purse.

You clear out!
Out! Out! Oh, my...

And then he called me an ingrate,
and a red-headed Eggs Benedict.

And then he fired me.

- Good, good.
- What's good about it?

Ah, not only can we sue him
for contributory negligence,

but now we've got him for libel,
slander and defamation of character.

I've never seen
Mr. Mooney so mad,

I thought he was gonna
punch me in the nose.

- Ha, ha. Oh, I wish he had.
- What?

Then we could have gotten
him for as*ault and battery too.

Mr. Wiley, I'd just like
to drop the whole thing.

- What?
- I want my job back.

I can't blame Mr. Mooney
for what happened.

- And it's wrong of me to sue a friend.
- A friend, you say.

You call this fiend a friend?

- Well...
- A man who did you bodily harm,

and then he had the
unmitigated gall to fire you.

- A woman your age.
- What?

I mean, a girl who has
aged beyond her tender years

because of a series of
unfortunate and calamitous events.

He's no friend. He's
a snake in the grass.

- Oh.
- And I will drag this viper into court.

And I will prove that after you
gave him the best years of your life...

Those were your
best, weren't they?

He cast you aside
like an old shoe.

I will prove conclusively that
as a secretary to Mr. Mooney,

- you were loyal.
- Yes.

- You were hard-working.
- Yes.

- You were conscientious.
- Yes.

- You were honest.
- Yes.

- Competent.
- You better leave that one out.

Well, it doesn't matter.

When I get in the court,
I'll wring the jury's heart.

I will point out how
this callous character

cast you out into the cold, cruel
world, without a moment's notice.

Did it bother this man
that he was f*ring a girl,

who as a result of injuries,
caused by his negligence,

might not get another job?

- No, it did not.
- No, it did not.

Was he concerned that she
might go homeless and hungry?

No, he was not. Did it ever
enter this monster's mind

that this poor innocent girl
would wind up an object of charity?

- No, it did not.
- No, it did not.

Picture, if you will... Picture
this poor defenseless girl,

with no food, no job, no
home, and no one to turn to.

We'll sue the dirty rat
for every cent he's got!

- I'd like to hang him! Hang him.
- Hanging is too good for him.

Hang him. Hang him, that's
what... They we ought to hang him!

[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

One more question.

Mr. Mooney, despite the fact that
my client suffered grievous injury

and spent some
time in the hospital,

isn't it true that upon
returning to work,

her first day back at
work, you fired her?

- Well, you see, I...
- Answer yes or no.

Yes.

No further questions,
Your Honor.

Very well, you may
step down, Mr. Mooney.

Call your next
witness, Mr. Wiley.

I call Lucille Carmichael.

Will Lucille Carmichael,
please take the stand.

Take the stand, if you
please, Mrs. Carmichael.

Oh, she's got to be kidding.

- I object to these snide remarks.
- Objection sustained. Sit down.

Please, let's get on
with the questioning.

Bailiff, will you
swear the witness in.

Yes. Raise your
right hand, please.

Swear to tell the
truth, the whole truth

- and nothing but the
truth? MOONEY: Hold it!

This I've got to hear.

Mr. Mooney, go
back to your table.

- Well, do you?
- I do.

Proceed, Mr. Wiley.

Your Honor, ladies and
gentlemen of the jury,

I will ask no questions of this poor
innocent victim of circumstances.

Just to look at her, we can all
see how much she has suffered.

Just look at her. Look at her.

Just a few short weeks ago,

she was a vibrant,
beautiful, and healthy thing.

And now, look at her.

Look at her. I can't.

I can't. I can't go
on, Your Honor.

[CRYING]

Your witness.

Mrs. Carmichael, what
is your occupation?

I am an unemployed secretary.

And where do you live?

Seven-eighty Gower Street,
if I haven't been evicted.

GARFIELD: What is your age?

Mrs. Carmichael,
what is your age?

Thirty-one.

Thirty-one? You don't look .

Thank you, but I'm under
oath, so I have to tell the truth.

Mrs. Carmichael,
you are under oath.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Ladies and
gentlemen of the jury.

In the opinion of this court,

any lady who is willing
to admit to being over ,

must be telling the truth.

She wouldn't be telling the
truth if she admitted to over !

That's enough out of
you, Mr. Mooney. Sit down.

Continue, Mr. Garfield.

Now, Mrs. Carmichael,

isn't it possible that
your alleged injuries

- are being magnified in your
mind? MOONEY: What mind?

Mr. Mooney! I am warning you.

One more such outburst from you,

and I will have you physically
ejected from this court.

Now, sit down.

- Please continue.
- Yes.

Tell me, Mrs. Carmichael,

how long have you
worked for Mr. Mooney?

- Three years.
- She's been in my office three years.

She's worked three days!

I warned you. Eject this man.

- Well, that's just...
JUDGE: Throw him out!

What do mean, throw me
out? I'm... Wait a minute.

Please, please. You
can't do that to Mr. Mooney.

JUDGE: What do you mean I
can't? He just insulted you again.

Well, I know, and that
proves he's not mad at me.

- What?
- Well, he always yells at me

and insults me. It's the only
way I can tell he likes me

and if he still likes me in
spite of this phony lawsuit...

I object. I object.

Just... Just one
moment, Mrs. Carmichael.

Did I hear you
say phony lawsuit?

Well, yes, Your Honor.

It's true that I tripped
and hurt myself,

but there's really nothing
wrong with me now.

- She's got a concussion.
- Quiet.

- Pray, continue.
- Yes, sir.

I didn't wanna sue you,
Mr. Mooney, but when I heard

I could collect a million dollars,
well, gee, I just got carried away.

I'm sorry, Your Honor, and I'm
willing to drop the whole lawsuit.

All I want is my old job back.

I wouldn't give you your old job
back if you were the last secretary...

Please, please, please.

Give me another chance, please.

- Well...
- Please.

All right, all right.

But I'm going to deduct your
days in court from your salary.

That's a boy. Yeah, he still
likes me. He still likes me.

Well, that takes care of
everything. Thanks a lot everybody.

- I've gotta get back to work.
- Just one moment.

I will tell you when you may
step down, get back up there.

Sit down.

You know, Mrs. Carmichael,
you are very lucky

that your conscience
overcame your greed,

before you committed perjury.

Therefore, this time, I will
give you only a reprimand.

Thank you, Your Honor.

But as for you, Mr. Wiley,
approach the bench.

You, sir, are a disgrace
to the legal profession.

Fortunately, attorneys of your
ilk are few and far between.

But I am warning you, sir,

if you are ever again mixed
up in such shenanigans as this,

I personally will see to it

that you are brought up on
charges before the bar association.

I'm sorry, Your Honor, and I
apologize publicly to the court.

And I guarantee you my conduct
will be impeccable in the future.

Very well.

Now, Mrs. Carmichael,
you may step down.

Thank you and thank you
very much, Your Honor.

I really do appreciate it.

You pushed her. You
pushed her. You all saw it.

- Don't move, we'll get an ambulance.
- I'm not hurt.

Stay put. He pushed you.
We'll sue for a million dollars.

- I'm all right!
- We'll go to the Supreme Court.

- You're in pain, you stay like that.
- I am not...

You're moaning.
Please, you pushed her.

We'll sue for a million dollars.

- Just stay down there.
- Clear this court, bailiff.

You saw him push her.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[ANNOUNCER READS ON-SCREEN TEXT]