06x13 - Lucy and Carol Burnett: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

[ANNOUNCER READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]

ANNOUNCER:
Co-starring Gale Gordon.

Hey, lady, is "hold
up" one word or two?

[SCREAMS]

Calm down, Mrs.
Carmichael, I was only joking.

Oh, some joke, Mr. Norton.

It's only my deposit slip.

Oh, boy.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, this is the biggest deposit
you've made in quite a while.

How long has Norton's Pool
Room been doing so well?

Since it ain't Norton's
Pool Room no more.

Oh, did you sell it?

No, just remodeled it.

It's now known as
Norton's Ball and Cue Salon.

Salon? My, that
sounds very ultra.

Yeah. The idea is to get ladies
interested in sh**ting pocket billiards.

Oh. Well, it must be paying off.

Well, why don't you come over?

Oh, no, I don't care
anything about sh**ting pool.

Well, you ever try it?

Yeah, I used to sh**t pool.

When I was a kid, my dad had a
table and he made me play with him.

- I got sick of it.
- Ah.

Well, come over and
have lunch sometime.

- Lunch? NORTON: Yeah.

I got a fancy new lunch counter,
and some free complimentary tickets.

- Oh.
- Complimentary tickets. Oh, thank you.

Thank you, Mr. Norton.

Yeah, you see, it entitles you to a
free lunch and a free game of pool.

Pass it out to the
people here at the bank.

- I sure will. Thanks a lot.
- See you later.

Okay. Hey, g*ng, come
here, I've got something for you.

Complimentary tickets,
Norton's Ball and Cue Salon.

There you are.

Are you enjoying yourselves?

- Oh, yes, thank you, Mr. Norton.
- And very good, thank you. Very good.

Ready to get back, Mr. Mooney?

Well, not yet, Mrs. Carmichael.

Our complimentary tickets also
entitle us to a free game of pool.

Oh, well, I don't
care to sh**t pool.

But it's all included
as part of the deal

and I feel that we're obligated
to take advantage of it.

Why? Just because it's for free?

It's the principle of the thing.

I've always believed in the old
adage, "Waste not, want not."

Now come on.

Oh, Mr. Mooney, I
don't even like the game.

How can you not like
anything that's free?

Now, really, come
along Mrs. Carmichael.

Here, there's a cue for you.

Pocket billiards
is a very fine sport.

We'll just ha...

Oh, before we start,
how much will we play for?

How much what?

Well, I thought a
little friendly wager

- would make the game interesting.
- Money?

Well, now, I'll be fair.

Since you're a girl,
we'll only play for, oh, $ .

- Two dollars?
- Yes. I'll, uh, lag for the break.

"Lag for the break"?

Oh. Well, you see, we each
hit a ball up to that cushion

and the one whose ball
stops closest to that cushion...

- Oh, yeah, yeah, lag for the break.
- Hi, Lucy.

Hi, Mary Jane. Hi.

All right now, I'll start and
show you how it's done.

There we are.

Yeah. Now, you see
if you can b*at that.

[LUCY SIGHS]

[ALL APPLAUDING & CHEERING]

[CHUCKLES]

Put a little English
on that one.

I'll break.

Fifteen ball in
the corner pocket.

[LUCY SQUEALS]

How about that?

[LUCY CHUCKLES]

I thought you didn't
know how to play?

Is that why you bet me $ ?

But you said that you...

I didn't say I didn't know
how, I said I didn't want to.

- Why didn't you say so before we bet?
- I tried to tell you.

Mr. Mooney, if you wanna
play, it's all right with me.

Seven ball in the corner pocket.

Oh, good heavens,
look at the time.

I forgot. I have a very
important appointment.

Now he has an appointment.

I think you were too
much for him, Lucy.

Lucy, you play better than
any of these girls around here.

LUCY: Oh.
- You sure do.

WOMAN: Yeah. You play good
enough to play in the tournament.

What tournament?

That one. For ladies only
and you can win $ , .

LUCY: A thousand
dollars? WOMAN: Yeah.

Why don't you enter, Lucy? I'll
bet you'd have a real good chance.

WOMAN: Think of what
you could do with $ , .

Oh, yeah.

Boy, with $ , I could get a
new car, and a new color TV set,

and a whole new wardrobe, and
I could re-do my apartment and...

All that for $ , ?

Yeah. A thousand dollars
makes a lot of down payments.

- Where do you sign up for that?
- I'll get it for you. Here.

You put down your name
and where you work...

You really think I can
b*at the other girls?

- Lucy, you're wonderful.
- Oh, yes.

You have to put down your age.

- I can lie about it.
- Lie a little.

Hey, g*ng, I'm back.

Ace. Ace Winthrop.

- Hey.
- Ace!

Hey, I been away so long, I
thought I was in the wrong place.

- Eh! Ace, why you look great.
- Huh?

Three years ain't
changed you a bit.

- Hey, I really miss you guys.
- Hey, don't think we ain't missed you.

Ha, ha. You know something, Ace?

We even put your pool cue
and a service star in the window.

- You didn't. Thanks.
- Yeah.

That is up until Harry
had to remodel the joint.

Hey, that's right.
What happened here?

What happened to
all the slot machines?

The sexy calendars? And
the little girlie magazines?

Oh, Ace, we ain't got them no
more. There's been a lot of changes.

That's right. I'll say, look at this.
New rugs, drapes, walls, everything.

[LUCY GRUNTS, THEN ACE GRUNTS]

I'm very sorry. I never
should have left that there.

It's my fault. No.

I was on my lunch hour
and I'm kind of in a hurry.

- You work here?
- Uh, no, no, I'm a customer.

- A customer?
- Yeah.

Oh. Well, uh, I come here a
lot. Maybe, uh, we'll meet again.

- Heh. Well, maybe.
- Maybe we can have lunch?

- Maybe.
- And maybe even dinner, huh?

Maybe.

Uh, look, uh, there is
no such word as "maybe."

Now, some maybes mean
yes, and some maybes mean no.

Now, would it be my good luck
that your maybe means yes?

Maybe.

[WHOOPS]

- Did you see that?
- Ace, you sure ain't lost your touch.

Hey, she's some pretty doll.
What's she doing in the pool room?

Oh, brother. Are you in for
a surprise. Step right in, pal.

Step right in.

Ah-ha.

I don't believe it.
I don't believe it.

Ace. Ace Winthrop.

Danny!

Ace.

[BOTH YELLING]

Hey, you're a
sight for sore eyes.

No wonder you got sore
eyes, with all these crazy colors.

Harry, come here. A pool
table is supposed to be green.

So what? Now I got
green in the cash register.

Yeah. Since the dames took
over, business has been terrific.

- "Since the dames took
over"? NORTON: Yeah.

Now it's nothing but dames.

They don't sh**t pool anymore,
they come in to play pocket billiards.

Hey, wait a minute. Dames
ain't good for my business.

What happened to my pigeons?

I come here to build
up a little bank roll.

- Oh, those days are over now, Ace.
- Oh, yeah.

We don't get that kind of action
anymore, Ace. No more hustling.

How do you like that? I go
away to defend my country,

I come back, and they take
away my means of livelihood.

Speaking of livelihood, Ace, uh,

there's a few IOUs you owe me.
Uh, comes to about a thousand bucks.

Wait a minute, Harry.

When I went into the Army, you
said you were gonna tear them up.

Yeah, but you're out now.
I'm pasting them back together.

That's not nice, Harry.

I'm a veteran.

Where am I gonna
get a thousand bucks?

- You'll find a way.
- Oh, you'll think of something, Ace.

- You better.
- Yeah.

A thousand bucks. How?

Hey. You're having a tournament?

NORTON: For dames. MAN : Yeah.

- Just dames?
NORTON: Just dames.

First time in my life I
ever wanted to be a dame.

- Hey, that ain't a bad idea.
- What's that?

Ace would make a beautiful dame.

Yeah.

- Ace?
- What's that?

You'd make a beautiful dame.

What kind of a cr*ck is that?

You could b*at any dame
in the joint sh**ting pool.

- So?
- So...

A thousand bucks, first prize.

Wait a minute. I've done a lot
of schemes in my life for money,

but if you think for one minute that I'm
gonna get all... just to be a... because...

A thousand bucks?

- Think about it, Ace.
- I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

I'm thinking. I'm thinking.

- You'd make a beautiful dame.
- Oh, you'd be a living doll.

Oh, you'd be adorable.

Do you think so?

- I wonder. I wonder.
- A thousand bucks. A thousand bucks.

A thousand bucks.
A thousand bucks.

Will you hold it.

What do you think
of the name Laura?

Sign here.

Good morning.

ALL: Here's the champ.

All right. All right, all right.
What's going on here?

Mrs. Carmichael won
her match last night.

That's four in a row.

Now she's in the finals
with Laura Winthrop.

Yeah, and I'm so nervous. I've
never even seen Laura Winthrop play.

She must be awful good.

I've seen her play. Believe
me, you're a cinch to win.

Oh, good morning, Mr. Norton.
Do you really think I can b*at her?

She ain't in the
same class with you.

No one can b*at our Lucy.

That's right. However, there
are a few suckers around

putting up some money
on this Laura to win.

If you would like to cover any of
it, I'd be happy to take your bets.

Oh, no, I wouldn't want
anyone to bet on me.

- Well, I want to.
- Me too. Me too.

I just got paid, Lucy. I'll
bet my whole salary on you.

- Seventy dollars.
- Oh, Joanie.

Here, I'm betting $ . .

Uh, just a moment.

Make that an even $ .

You are betting cents?

Yes, I want a piece
of the action too.

Okay, sport.

Oh, good evening, Mr. Norton.

Mrs. Carmichael, good
luck on your match tonight.

Thank you very much.

I'd like you to meet
our referee, Mr. Devlin.

How do you do, sir?
Very glad to meet you.

The feeling is
mutually likewise.

Well, I guess it's about
time for the match to begin.

Oh, well, uh, where
is Miss Winthrop?

Hi.

Boy, she's a big one. Whoo.

Oh, and so earthy.

Miss Winthrop, I want
you to meet your opponent,

- Mrs. Carmichael.
- Hi.

How do you do? I'm
very glad to meet you.

DEVLIN: If you ladies are
ready, we will begin the match.

Please, allow me, allow me.

Oh, so sorry.

DEVLIN: The contestants
will now lag for the break.

Miss Winthrop will go first.

How's your wife?

Compared to what?

[CROWD GASPS]

Miss Carmichael has
elected to sh**t first.

Yep, uh, ball in
the corner pocket.

DEVLIN: Fifteen ball
in the corner pocket.

DEVLIN: You can't do
this. You've got to go away.

Please, go away. Go away.
Give the contestants some air.

Ahh, let's see here
now. Pardon me.

Combination sh*t. Eleven
ball in the corner off the four.

DEVLIN: Eleven ball in
the corner off the four ball.

[CROWD CHEERING]

DEVLIN: Please, please.

Come on, come on, get away.

Come on now, please.

What is this, a circus?

Ahh, let's see here. Um...

Uh, that pretty yellow one in
the middle, uh, off the others.

DEVLIN: Five ball in the
corner, kiss off the nine.

Mrs. Carmichael, you must keep
one foot on the floor at all times.

- Oh.
- Here, use the bridge.

- Oh. Okay, thank you.
- You're welcome.

[LUCY SIGHS]

She missed.

[CROWD GROANS]

- Oh.
- And Miss Winthrop will now sh**t.

[MUTTERS]

DEVLIN: Eleven ball off the
five, combination, corner pocket.

I, uh, thought you bet on me.

Well, we shouldn't let money
interfere with good sportsmanship.

Oh.

Get him with his cents
worth of sportsmanship.

[MUTTERS]

DEVLIN: Thirteen
ball in the side pocket.

[CROWD GROANS]

[ACE MUTTERS]

Five ball, combination,
corner pocket.

[ACE MUTTERS]

[MOONEY MUTTERS]

[ACE MUTTERS]

Six... Eight ball in
the side pocket. Sorry.

[IN HIGH-PITCHED
VOICE] It's all right.

[CROWD GROANS]

- Doesn't she ever miss?
- You'll catch up to her, Lucy.

How? I may never get
a chance to sh**t again.

[ACE MUTTERS]

Six ball, combination,
in the corner pocket.

[CROWD GROANS]

Miss Winthrop needs one
more point to win the game.

The two ball in
the corner pocket.

Oh, what an easy sh*t.
That washes me up.

WOMAN: There goes your
new car, your television set.

LUCY: Yeah. My apartment.

- Oh, boy. WOMAN:
Your new wardrobe.

LUCY: Well, what's
the difference?

[CLEARS THROAT]

DEVLIN: Miss Winthrop
is changing her mind.

She will now sh**t the two ball

off the side cushion,

off the side cushion,

to the front cushion,
to the side cushion,

into the side pocket?

[CROWD GASPS]

Oh, Lucy.

[ALL SQUEALING]

DEVLIN: And she missed.

Mrs. Carmichael will now sh**t.

Why did you try a fancy sh*t
like that? You had the match won.

- I like a little competition.
- Don't grandstand.

Hey, Ace, you owe
us a thousand bucks.

And the side bets.

Uh, I think I'll play that purple
one off the pretty green one.

- You know she's a cute trick.
- Never mind that.

Will you ask them to please stop
talking? I'm trying to concentrate.

Will the people in the corner
there please stop making noise?

And the next person that makes noise
will be rejected from these premises.

Uh, where was I?

DEVLIN: Four ball
in the corner pocket.

Four ball in the corner pocket.

Four ball in the corner
pocket. Pardon me.

WOMAN : Oh, Lucy.
WOMAN : Darn it, Lucy.

And she missed.

- You got it sewn up. DEVLIN:
Miss Winthrop will sh**t next.

Remember, Ace, you
only need one point to win.

- Don't miss. DEVLIN:
Miss Winthrop.

She's not even a woman.

It's a man.

That's the soldier I met.

Oh, really?

You imposter! Making
us think you're a dame!

You fink. Out!

Lucy wins by default.

Yeah, yeah, Mrs.
Carmichael wins by default.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Sorry, bubi.

Could have been so beautiful.

You double-crosser.

Why? Why did you
do a thing like that?

Don't blame me.
It was an accident.

MAN: Yeah? I don't think it was.

I think you got a
crush on that redhead.

Now, you still owe
me a thousand bucks.

Let's go.

[CHUCKLING]

Laura?

I mean, Mr. Laura.

Now, look, I know
what you're gonna say,

and you're absolutely
right about me.

No. No, I just wanna
know one thing.

How could you ever get mixed
up in such a crazy scheme?

You mean what's a nice girl
like me doing in a place like this?

Yes, I guess that's what I mean.

Well, it's a very,
very long story.

You see...

I'd love to tell you about it.

Hey, why don't I
take you to dinner?

[CHUCKLES]

Look, I just won $ , .
Why don't I take you to dinner?

That's even better.

Excuse me, I'll be right back. I gotta
get out of this girdle. It's k*lling me.

How do you girls
do this all day?

[ANNOUNCER READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]