06x18 - Mooney's Other Wife

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[ANNOUNCER READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]

ANNOUNCER:
Co-starring Gale Gordon.

[MEN CHATTERING]

Heh-heh-heh. Well,
hello, Mrs. Carmichael.

Hello there and welcome back.

Well, thank you.

How was the convention?

- Oh, it was wonderful.
- Oh, it was sensational.

We certainly showed
those folks in Atlantic City

that we bankers are not the
stuffed shirts we're made out to be.

- Ha-ha-ha!
- You're so right we showed them.

I'm sure glad you
had a good time.

- Oh, we did.
- Heh-heh-heh.

Oh, Mrs. Carmichael,
here's a little present

- I brought back for you.
- Oh, than...

Oh, salt water
taffy. I just love it.

Aah!

[MOONEY AND CHEEVER LAUGHING]

Oh, you...

- You are a good sport.
- Yeah.

Mrs. Carmichael, I
have to hand it to you.

Well...

Aah! Oh!

[LAUGHING]

Wow.

You gentlemen must have
had a ball at that convention.

Oh, it was one
laugh after the other.

There's nothing dull about
bankers once they let their hair down.

Uh-huh.

Ah, but the real life of the
party was old Teddy here.

Oh, really?

Heh. He was a riot.

No kidding.

Yeah, in spite of the fact that
we had to send for the doctor.

The doctor? Was he ill?

No, no, no. No.

No, we couldn't get the
lampshade off of his head.

- Ha-ha-ha-ha!
- Oh...

Now, Winfield, you promised me
you wouldn't say anything about that.

- I did not.
- Yes, you did.

I promised I wouldn't say
anything about Nanette.

Nanette? Who's Nanette?

Uh... Um... Ahem.

Nanette was a young lady

who's a member of the Atlantic
City Chamber of Commerce, that's all.

- That's all?
- Yes. That's all.

Well, Mr. Cheever
will verify that.

I promised not to say a thing.

[MOONEY SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Ooh.

- Mrs. Carmichael, this young lady...
- Nanette.

Uh, Nanette, yes.

Well, she happened to be seated
next to me at this dinner-dance, you see.

Uh, we dined together.

But there were other
people at the table. Fourteen.

Uh, and then we did
dance together, once. Once.

And being a gentleman, I
offered to take her home,

and I had my cab drop her at her
apartment, then take me to my hotel...

and that was all.

Mr. Mooney, why are you giving me
this big explanation? I'm not your wife.

I know, but in case my
wife does hear about it,

I want to have one good
rehearsal under my belt.

Oh. Well, I would
certainly believe you.

Oh, thank you.

Whew.

MAN: Mr. Mooney.
- Yes?

Telegram for you, sir.

Oh, thank you.

[MUTTERING]

[HUMMING]

Oh, no!

Something wrong?

Read that.

"Arriving airport noon. Will
come directly to bank. Love, Nanette."

"Love, Nanette"?

Uh, well, what I didn't
tell you, Mrs. Carmichael,

is that the young lady seemed
to be infatuated with me.

Oh?

Oh, not that I gave her any reason
to assume such a relationship.

Oh, no, it's just that she happens
to be a romanticist at heart

and she's extremely,
ooh, imaginative. Heh.

Uh-huh.

Well, what you just told
me sounded so platonic.

Oh, it was. It was. As far as
I was concerned, it was, yes.

But you see, after the dinner-dance,
she insisted on showing me

- the cultural aspects of the city, see.
- Oh.

Did you know that Atlantic City
has a world-famous museum?

- No.
- Well, it has.

Anyway, it was closed.

So, uh... So we went
to a discotheque.

Hey, this is building.

You and your date went
swinging at a discotheque, huh?

Well, I... I must say
that we did make

quite an impression
on those kids.

- You did?
- Yeah.

Yeah. I don't think they'd
ever seen a waltz before.

- No, probably not.
- Yeah.

Did you, uh...? Did
you go any other place?

Uh, oh, yes. Yes, we
went to a pizza parlor.

A pizza parlor.

And then I dropped her off at
her apartment and that was it.

Mm-mm.

Well, it seems to me that
an innocent evening like that

would not encourage a
girl to fall in love with you.

No.

Uh, well, perhaps
I did, uh, commit

one slight indiscretion.

- What was that?
- Uh...

When the cab pulled up
at her apartment house,

I... I did let her
kiss me goodnight.

You let her kiss you?

Well, I had to. She
wouldn't get out of the cab.

- Oh, I was under terrific pressure.
- Pressure?

Yes. Yes, the meter was running.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, I tell you, she must have
kissed me at least cents' worth.

- Wow. Wow.
- Oh, yes, yes.

Well, she ought to
be here pretty soon.

I just can't wait to see
what she looks like.

There'll be no seeing

- what she looks like.
- Oh, now, Mr. Mooney...

Mrs. Carmichael, you take
your lunch break right now.

- I'm not going to go to lunch today...
- On second thought,

take the rest of the day off.

- I don't wanna.
- Now, you do that, Mrs. Carmichael.

I have to get these
reports over to Mr. Cheever,

and when I get back, I want you
to be gone, do you understand?

- Yes, sir.
- Good. Good.

Oh...

Pssh.

Mrs. Carmichael, I thought I told
you to take the rest of the day off.

I'm just leaving.

I'll be seeing you.

I mean, so long.

Teddsy-baby.

Oh, Teddsy-baby,
you're so demonstrative,

so uninhibited, so... So...

[MOANING]

Ooh! Teddsy-baby, I can't tell you
how glad I am you're so happy to see me.

What brings you to California?

Wings of love. I just couldn't
bear being away from you.

[STAMMERING]

Nanette, there's been a
slight misunderstanding here.

We... We'd better have a talk.

- Oh.
- Oh...

Won't you sit down? I...

No! Not here! No!

No, over there. Please.

- That's better. Oh.
- Mm...

Now... Uh, ahem.

Nanette, I, uh... I'm very
concerned about this infatuation.

Infatuation?

Your... The... The fact that
you seem to be in love with me.

Oh, but that isn't
important, Teddsy-baby.

Oh. Oh, it isn't?

No, the important thing is
that you're in love with me.

I am?

Of course you are, darling.

A woman has a way of
knowing things like that.

Like that time in
the pizza parlor.

You were so romantic.

Romantic? I was very reserved.

As a matter of fact, I distinctly
recall ordering separate checks.

That's what I love about you,
Ted. You don't try to obligate a girl.

Oh. Well... Well. Ahem.

Uh... Uh, Na...

Uh... Uh... Heh.

Nanette, you seem to be reading
meanings into things that don't exist.

Oh, but Teddsy-baby, remember
our little talk on the boardwalk?

A man has to really
care about a girl

to discuss things that are
so, oh, intimate and personal.

Wha...? What did I
say that was intimate?

Well, for one thing, you said
your wife didn't understand you.

You call that intimate? I tell everybody
my wife doesn't understand me.

I even tell my wife she
doesn't understand me.

Maybe your wife
will understand me.

Wha...? Wha...? What
do you mean by that?

Well, when a man is in
love with somebody else,

his wife should
be the first to know.

Oh. Well, I'm not in
love with anybody...

You're going to
discuss this with my wife!

But, Teddsy-baby, we're in love.

Don't fight it. This is
bigger than both of us.

So is my wife bigger
than both of us!

[MUTTERING]

Teddsy, yours seems to me
like it's a one-sided marriage.

Marriage is supposed
to be a two-way street.

Well, mine happens to be
a freeway with no off-ramp.

Now, look, Nanette, I'm trying to
tell you that I'm not in love with you.

Oh, you're not trying
to tell me, Teddsy-baby.

You're trying to tell yourself.

I know you'll never forget that
magic moment in Atlantic City.

[MOUTHS] Magic moment?

What magic moment?

In the taxi cab,
when you kissed me.

Oh, no, no, you kissed me.

All I know is, when I was in your arms,
your heart was pounding like a drum.

Well, of course it was pounding.
The meter was still running.

Oh, Nanette, now, please.
Nanette, let's try to be sensible.

Please, Nanette,
just... Now, look...

And will you watch
those hands! Oh!

Now, Nanette, don't do something that
will cause a lot of people unhappiness.

Oh, Teddsy-baby.

Uh, Nanette, excuse
me just a moment.

- Don't leave me.
- Oh, no. Wait there. I'll be right back.

- Don't leave me.
- I'll be right back.

Shh, shh. Right back.

[WHIMPERING]

Heh.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

I thought I told
you to get lost.

You ought to be glad I was here.

At least you have one witness that
knows you were a perfect gentleman.

What good is a witness if
she goes and talks to my wife?

Well, it's a good thing
Mrs. Mooney's out of town.

She's out of town today,
but she'll be back tomorrow.

And I am in big trouble,
and I am perfectly innocent.

Oh, why? Why was I born
with this irresistible charm?

Well, I haven't got
the answer to that.

- But I have got an idea.
- What?

- Now listen.
- Yeah?

As long as this poor soul insists
on making a soap opera out of this,

maybe I could be your wife.

- You could what?
- I could be your wife.

And then you let her
go over to your house,

and I'll say I'm Mrs.
Mooney, and I'll get rid of her.

Say, that might be the answer.

You didn't tell her what Mrs.
Mooney looks like, did you?

Yes.

But fortunately, nobody
ever believes me.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Well, do I look
like Mrs. Mooney?

Yep.

When she was sweet .

[BOTH SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

- Oh, she's here! She's here!
- All right, now listen.

Just remember, before
you make your entrance,

give me plenty of time to convince
her what a miserable rat you are.

- Now go ahead, Mr. Mooney.
- All right.

- Wait a minute.
- What?

I can't call you Mr. Mooney.
What does your wife call you?

You can't call me that either.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Come in.

Oh. Um...

Excuse me, is Mrs.
Mooney at home?

I'm Mrs. Mooney.

NANETTE: You are?

Yep. Have been for years,

seven months, three
weeks, two days,

four hours and
glorious minutes.

Ahem. Well, my name
is Nanette Johnson,

- and I...
- And you came

to see me about my husband.

How did you know?

Oh, well, it's the
same old story.

Another convention, Atlantic
City. That's where I met him.

On the boardwalk?

No, under the boardwalk.

Oh, boy, the price I pay

for being married to a man
as attractive as my Theodore.

After every convention, there's always
a poor butterfly like you flitting around.

Mrs. Mooney, now please
understand, I am not a designing woman.

I didn't intend to fall in
love with your husband.

It just all started
out so innocently.

Yeah, it always does.

Hm. I first realized
that I cared for Teddy

when I was in his arms
and we were dancing.

He waltzes divinely.

Yeah, he waltzes no matter
what the band is playing.

Oh!

- What's wrong?
- Oh, I keep forgetting about my injury.

I'm just recovering
from a broken collarbone.

But how did it happen?

Ah, one morning
his coffee was cold.

You mean, he beats you?

Oh, no, just gives me a little
karate chop now and then.

I just can't believe that my
Teddsy-baby could do anything violent.

Was it in the heat
of an argument?

Oh, no. Theodore's
too much of a gentleman

to argue in front
of the children.

He, uh... He waits until they're
not looking, and then pow!

Did you say "children"?

- Oh, didn't he mention the children?
- No.

How can you forget kids?

Twelve?

Yeah.

Well, Mrs. Mooney, if
he's such a monster,

why don't you leave him?

Oh, that would be
the coward's way out.

Besides, it wouldn't
be fair to a girl like you.

I don't think you could
take a karate chop.

[BANGING]

Oh, that must be Teddsy-baby
chopping at the door now.

Look, if you don't believe me, why
don't you hide behind that curtain

and see what life with
Teddsy-baby is really like?

When a woman loves a
man, she doesn't spy on him.

Oh, yes we do. Come on.

Get in there and hide.

Hide.

What took you so long
to answer the door?

- I'm sorry, dear.
- Oh, stop whimpering.

You poor dear, I'll get
you your pipe and slippers.

And stop nagging.

Here, let me help you.

Oh, and will you stop
getting your paws all over me?

Oh, Theodore, you've got
jelly on your brand-new shirt.

That's lipstick.

Oh, how careless of me.

It's not yours.

Oh, thank goodness.

Thank goodness. If it was
mine, I'd never forgive myself.

If it was yours, I'd
never forgive myself.

Oh, Theodore, you're so
masterful. You give me goose bumps.

They'd look better on a goose.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, Theodore, you
remembered my birthday.

- I did not.
- No?

This is a little gift I
brought home for Duke.

- For your dog?
- Yes. Vitamin-packed dog biscuits.

- Oh.
- Where is my doggy?

Well, I dropped him off at the
vet's to be shampooed and trimmed,

and he'll be ready tomorrow.

What! How could you?

You know I hate to come
home to an empty house.

Well, I was hoping you might like
to be alone with me on my birthday.

Eugh.

Theodore, why do you
have to be so irritable?

Because after a hard day's
work I like to see my dog!

You know how I like to work
out with Duke before dinner.

Well, I'll work out with you.

All right.

Well, don't just stand there.

- Heel!
- Oh!

[MOONEY SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Eh, there we are.
Eh, that's a good dog.

Steady, Duke, steady, steady.

All right, now we're
going to shake hands.

Give me your paw, come on.

Give me your paw, give me your
paw. Give me your paw, Duke.

Very good, dog. Very
good. That's very good.

Oh, that was very good.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Ahem. All right now, Duke.

Now speak.

- Speak!
- Hello.

Speak dog!

Speak dog!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

- Ow!
- That's good. Good. Good Duke.

That was very good. You are a...

Oh, really.

All right, now...
Now, now, don't try...

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[YAPPING]

Lie down, Duke. Lie down.

Roll over. Roll over.

Good dog.

That was very good. You're
a very good dog. Yes, you are.

Now, Duke. Uh-uh, steady.

Stay. Stay, Duke. Stay.

- Arf. MOONEY: Stay.

Now...

Oh, boy, you're going
to get this, I know.

All right, Duke.
All right. Ha-ha.

Now pay attention.
Pay attention, Duke.

Duke! Duke! Duke!

Watch... Watch...
Watch the ball.

Get the ball!

Get the ball, Duke.

Bring it back.

- That's very good.
- Arf, arf, arf, arf!

- Arf, arf, arf, arf, arf!
- Oh, that was very good.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Ahem. All right now,
sit up, sit up, sit up.

Hold it, now, Duke,
hold it. That's good.

I'm going to give
you a little reward.

- Arf, arf, arf!
- All right. Now, now.

Don't get excited. All
right, Duke. All right.

Now then, all right.

Now hold your head up. You
know how we do this now, Duke.

There we are. There.

Steady. Steady.

Now eat it.

Eat the biscuit!

- Do I got to eat it?
- Yes, you have to eat it!

Of course you have to eat it!

Now, Duke, you know
very well you have to eat it!

It's hard. I'll
break all my teeth.

- I don't care about that! Your teeth...
- Aah!

- Ow! Ow!
- Eat it. Come on, eat that.

[YELLING]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

- You miserable rat!
- Ow! Ow! Ow!

You wife beater!

You dog beater!

Oh, Mrs. Mooney, if you
ever need a witness in court,

I'll certainly be
glad to oblige.

Oh, you convention Casanova!

[MOONEY GRUNTS]

Well, it worked!

- Yeah. Yeah, it worked.
- Ha-ha!

We... We got rid of her.

- Ah-ha!
- Whoo! I...

- Hey, uh, Mrs. Carmichael.
- What?

You know that biting
wasn't part of our act.

- Oh, I'm sorry about that, chief.
- Oh.

But I got you out of the jam.

Yeah, you got me out of
that one and into another one.

- What do you mean?
- How, uh...?

How am I going to explain
those teeth marks to Irma?

Well, tell her your dog did it.

Oh.

We don't have a dog.

- Arf, arf! Arf, arf!
- No, she wouldn't believe that

in a million years. No.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[ANNOUNCER READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]