06x20 - Lucy and Phil Harris

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Lucy Show". Aired: October 1, 1962 – March 11, 1968.*
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Widow Lucy Carmichael raises her children and shares her home with divorcee friend Vivien.
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06x20 - Lucy and Phil Harris

Post by bunniefuu »

[ANNOUNCER READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]

ANNOUNCER:
Co-starring Gale Gordon.

Oh, gee, Mr. Mooney,

I'd be willing to
work late every night

if I knew you were gonna take
me to such a nice restaurant. Heh.

- Good evening.
- Good evening. Two, please.

Oh, yes, of course, but I'm
sorry there'll be a small delay.

Perhaps you won't mind
waiting in the cocktail lounge.

We'll wait right here.

As you wish.

Mr. Mooney, why can't we
wait in the cocktail lounge?

Because I know their tricks.

They'll keep us waiting all night so
we'll spend a lot of money on drinks.

Oh, gee, couldn't we just go in

and listen to the piano player
and just maybe buy one drink?

What, and have
people think I'm cheap?

Just one drink.

Mrs. Carmichael, will
you please stop arguing.

I've had a very tough day today.

But listen to me. Listen to me.

- What?
- We worked after hours.

It wouldn't cost you a thing.

You could put it on
your expense account.

You know, that never
even occurred to me.

Well, don't just stand there.
Let's go where the action is.

Isn't it nice in here?

No, it's nice. You
want to sit here?

No, no, no, not that far.

- Why not? PHIL: Hi.

[CHEERING]

[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Now things are gonna
wake up, huh? Huh?

Hey.

Agnes.

Agnes, baby.

Where's the cow juice?

- Here you are, Mr. Stanley.
- Thank you.

Hey, Phil, are you on the wagon?

Another hour it'll
be one whole day.

[LAUGHING]

That stuff could turn you on

if they'd feed them
cows a little sour mash.

Here's your tune.
Listen to this.

[PLAYING "CABARET" ON PIANO]

[SINGING] What good is sitting

Alone in your room?

Come hear the music play

- Life is a cabaret,
old chum
- Yeah.

Welcome to the cabaret

[LAUGHING]

Come sip the wine

- Come hear the band
LUCY: Hip hip hooray.

Horns start celebratin' Right
this way, your table's waitin'


No need permitting

- That prophet of gloom - Yeah!

To wipe all your smiles away

Oh-ho!

PHIL: Life is a cabaret,
my chum
- You said it.

So welcome to the caba...

BOTH [SINGING]:
Welcome to the caba...

- Welcome to the cabaret - Yeah!

[CHEERING]

Oh, I thought that was great.

Hey, you're beautiful.
We got a live one tonight.

[LAUGHING]

It's awfully nice, uh,
for you to be here.

Oh, it's nice to be here.

- I just love coming in here.
- Thank you.

It was nice of you
to bring your dad too.

[LAUGHING]

- Hey, you might like
this one. LUCY: Ahem.

[SINGING] Love is funny

Or it's sad

Or it's quiet

Or it's mad

It's a good thing

Or it's bad

[SINGING OFF-KEY] But beautiful

- Beautiful to take a chance -
Beautiful to... To take a chance


- Take a chance
PHIL: And when you...

- And if... If you...
- And if...


No, if you take a...

- Fall PHIL: Fall

- But I'm thinking
- And I'm thinking


Oh, this is pretty.

LUCY: I wouldn't mind at all

Pretty, pretty, pretty.

Is that the way that goes?

That's the way it went tonight.

[LAUGHING]

I don't really know that one.

That's awful pretty, but it's a
little too early for sad songs.

PHIL: Heh-heh.
- Do you know "You Are The One"?

How does it go?

[SINGING OFF-KEY] Night
and day, you are the one


[LAUGHING]

Why don't...? Heh.

Why don't we quit right there
while we're ahead with that one?

- "Night and day, you are the one."
- I wish they'd hurry with our table.

Oh, I don't. I'm having a ball.

[SINGING OFF-KEY]
Fly me to the moon

Oh, please do.

[LUCY LAUGHING]

Oh, Mr. Stanley.

- You get one like
this... LUCY: Pardon me.

But do you know "Is It True
What They Say About Dixie?"

- Yeah, baby. Yeah.
LUCY: Would you...?

- Yeah.
- Would you play that?

[PLAYING "IS IT TRUE WHAT
THEY SAY ABOUT DIXIE?" ON PIANO]

PHIL [SINGING]: Is it true
what they say about Dixie?


Does that sun really
shine All the time?


She's coming again.

- Do the sweet magno...?
- Magnolias blossom round everybo...?


No, "do they laugh."

Do the folks keep eatin' possums

Till they can't eat no more?

- Well, is it true what they
say?
LUCY: Do they laugh?

Do they laugh? Do they lo...?

- Do they love - Do they love

- Like they say in every song?
- Like they say in every song?


- If it's true - If it's true

- That's where I belong
- That's where I belong


One more time!

One more time and
the South will rise again.

Oh! Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, boy, you don't hear
songs like that anymore.

I'll go along with that, lady.

Wasn't that good?

Mm, priceless.

- And you were very good too.
- Oh, well, thank you.

Heh-heh. What
would you like to hear?

Kate Smith.

[LUCY SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Uh, look, um... Pardon
me. Any other requests?

Oh, here's a whole lot of songs.

Do you know all of these?

- No, well, I don't...
- I'm going to call my wife.

What are you gonna call her?

[LAUGHING]

You know, I never
thought I'd be saying this,

but it'll be good
to hear her voice.

I know what you mean, Dad.

Oh, gee, there's some beauties
here. Do you know this one?

- Look, honey, there's some of those...
- Do you know this one?

- Phil, may I see you?
- Yeah.

Hey, excuse me, honey.

- Yeah, hurry back, huh?
- I'll be right back.

Can't you turn that dame
off? I'm getting complaints.

Look, I'm sorry, Ruby,

but she wants to
sing everything I play.

Well, can't you play
something she doesn't know?

That ain't gonna be easy.

- I'll try.
- Well, try harder.

- Oh, hi.
- Do you know this one?

- I love this.
- No, we've got a lot...

Listen to this one.
I think you'll like it.

- Would you, please?
- Oh. Uh-huh.

- Watch this. LUCY: Ahem.

[PLAYING BALLAD ON PIANO]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

You gonna sing it?

It doesn't, uh...
It's got no words.

- No?
- No.

Thank heaven.

Well, that's a very nice
song. What's the name of it?

Well, it ain't got no name.

It's something I started to write a
long time ago and never finished.

Well, you should finish that.
That has the makings of a hit.

Yes, sir. And you
ought to put lyrics to this.

Now, how does it
go? How does it go?

[HUMMING AND
PLAYING PIANO OFF-KEY]

No, no. Look, I'll...

Agnes. Trade this
in for a bourbon.

Now, Mr. Stanley, you
know what Ruby said.

Look, I don't want no arguments.
And make it a double, will you, please?

With water or soda?

Straight. I can't wait
for the message. Go.

- Now, listen to this.
- No, no, please don't.

Listen to this now, Mr. Stanley.

[SINGING OFF-KEY] We
were in love like birds above


We were in flight
Half through the night


- Our table's ready.
- Just a minute, I'm composing.

But our table's ready.

- Oh...
- I'm starving to death. Come on.

All right. I'm sorry,
I have to go now.

Aw...

Never mind. Never mind.

She's gone. I don't need it now.

But I'll be back.

Agnes!

I hope you enjoyed your dinner.

- We certainly did.
- Yes, sir.

Mr. Mooney, can't we stop by
the piano bar before we go home?

- No.
- Oh, please. I want to stay.

I was having so much fun, and
I promised him that I'd be back.

Mrs. Carmichael, what
you do is your own business.

- I am going home.
- Oh, Mr. Mooney.

- Oh, please.
- Come on, Phil.

- Okay. Okay, okay.
- Come on.

- Come on.
- But it's not my fault, Ruby.

That dame would
drive anybody to drink.

Phil, I told you when I hired
you back. We made a deal.

If you hit the bottle,
you hit the road.

Mario.

Get him a cab. See
that he gets home.

- Let's go, Phil.
- Take your hands off.

I don't need any
favors from this joint.

I can take care of myself.

No, wait a minute, you're not
gonna drive in that condition.

I have to. I'm too
stoned to walk.

He can't drive a
car in that condition.

When he gets like that,
he won't listen to anyone.

Well, maybe he'll listen to
me. He loved my singing.

Be careful of the rug.

About that. That's fine,
that's fine. Thank you.

Thank you.

Okay, lady.

Listen, before you go, are you sure
it's in tune? That's very important.

- I'll check it out.
- Please do, yeah.

[PLAYING PIANO]

[PLAYING "IS IT TRUE WHAT
THEY SAY ABOUT DIXIE?"]

Ha-ha-ha! That's
one of my favorites.

[SINGING] Does
the sun really shine


All the time?

Do the sweet
magnolia blossoms...?


[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

It can't be!

Oh, no! No!

I'm sorry I woke up your mother.

Good morning.

What's good about it?

I was hoping this whole
thing was a bad dream.

How did I get here?

Well, Mr. Stanley,

when you left the restaurant last
night, you were in no condition to drive.

And I offered to take you home,

but you couldn't
remember where you lived.

Let's look in my coat. Maybe
it's written down somewhere.

Well, I looked in your coat.
That's why I brought you here.

When I was looking through your
coat, I found this newspaper clipping.

"Phil Stanley, one of our most
celebrated songwriters of the ' s,

is another sad case of a
musician who knew too many bars."

I didn't know you were
a famous songwriter.

Look, that was years ago.

- What happened?
- Now the whole scene has changed.

My kind of music is out.

Today, any kid that can
lift a guitar and sing off-key

is making losers
out of guys like me.

Well, now I'm gonna
make a winner out of you.

You are a great talent.

What you need is someone
to straighten you out.

What I need is a drink, lady.

Well, what you're
gonna get is breakfast.

Breakfast? On an empty stomach?

It'll do you good. Come
on, eat your oatmeal.

Oatmeal?

That's just what you need.

- Something that'll stick to your ribs.
- Ribs?

That'll stick to a wall.

What are you gonna
do, hang some paper?

Oh, now, look, Mr. Stanley...

I can't look at anything,
lady, until I get an eye-opener.

You don't have to look at
it, then. Close your eyes.

I'm gonna close my eyes, but
I'm not gonna open my mouth.

Ow!

Swallow it! Swallow it!

Swallow it!

[MOANING]

Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?

I'll get even with you if it
takes to the end of my life.

Oh! Stop complaining.

I got something to complain
about. A fine parley I woke up to.

Your singing, a bowl of oatmeal,
and some Clyde calling me "mother."

Well, I've got to get to work and
that's what I want you to do too.

- What?
- Get to work and finish that song.

- What song?
- The song you played last night.

The one that you never finished.

Now, get to work and finish it.

Hey, give me my pants.

They are going with me.

And you don't get your pants
back until you finish that song.

Lady, if you don't give me my pants,
I'm gonna report you to the police.

Ha! You don't even know my name.

Here's that lead
sheet, Mr. Murray.

Thank you, Miss Carroll.

But Mr. Murray's busy, and
you don't have an appointment.

I'll make one.

I'm sorry to barge in on
you like this, Mr. Murray,

but what I have to talk to
you about is very important.

Okay, I'll handle this.

Now, miss, what's so important?

Well, it's about Phil Stanley.

Phil Stanley?

Boy, there's a
name out of the past.

What's Phil...?
Mr. Stanley doing now?

Well, he's trying to make a
comeback, and he's working on a song.

That's why I thought it
would be good for his morale

if he thought that
Mr. Murray was interested.

Why me?

Because, sir, I looked
up all his old song hits

and I found out that
you were his publisher.

Yeah, Phil and I sure had
a lot of winners together.

I know. I know, that's why I thought
you'd be interested in helping him.

Look, miss, Phil Stanley
had a great deal of talent.

He could write a torch song or
a ballad with the best of them.

But when the trend in music
changed, I changed along with it.

But not Phil Stanley.

Phil's the kind of man
nobody could change.

I see you haven't
changed either.

Look, I'm not brushing Phil off.

If he's in a jam,

owes a bookmaker, or
needs whiskey money...

He does not need any whiskey money.
All he needs is a little encouragement.

Now, if you're not
gonna give him that,

then I'm gonna take his
song to another publisher.

You tell Mr. Stanley when
he's finished his song,

that Mr. Murray will
be anxious to hear it.

You will?

- Okay.
- Oh, thank you.

And thank you.

And when you see
Phil, tell him that...

Well, tell him B.B. said hello.

B.B. Okay, I will.

You won't be sorry.
It's a beautiful melody.

It goes:

[HUMMING OFF-KEY]

You'll love it. You
will just love it.

Thank you.

[PLAYING BALLAD ON PIANO]

Hi.

I did it. I did it.

It took a lot of doing, but
I stayed with it and I did it.

You finished the song.

No, I finished my oatmeal.

Oh...

Oh, all right, all right.

Hey, I got a wonderful
surprise for you. Guess what.

We're gonna have peanut
butter and succotash for dinner?

No. This afternoon, I went to see
your old publisher, Jack Murray.

And he said when you finish that song,
he's gonna be interested in hearing it.

Jack Murray's gonna be
interested in hearing my stuff?

Yeah.

Oh. Hey.

Wouldn't it be great if Jack and
I could get back together again?

You know, back in the old
days, we made enough money

to burn a wet elephant, baby.

I know. I know.

Oh, by the way, there was a lady there
that said to tell you that B.B. said hello.

- Who?
- B.B.

- B.B., huh?
- Uh-huh.

Is that her name, B.B.?

Well, uh, B.B. was a
nickname I had for her.

It was, uh, short
for "blue blood."

Oh.

She was one of those dames,
you know, from a finishing school.

She dug Rembrandt, Plato.

She could read a French menu.

She had a lot of class.

She was a real thoroughbred.

Yeah?

She got a little misty-eyed
when I mentioned your name.

- She did, huh?
- Uh-huh.

She's better off.

Thoroughbreds and
mavericks don't mix.

Hey, let's get off
that soap-opera kick.

I haven't thought
of her in years.

Okay. I want to hear your song.

- I told you, it's not finished.
- I want to hear what you have.

PHIL: All right. I
got the first bars.

LUCY: Well, let me hear that.
- All right. You got it.

[PLAYING BALLAD ON PIANO]

[SINGING] You were Boston

I was Vegas

You were crêpe suzette

I was pie

You were lectures

I was movies

But I loved you

You were Mozart

I was Basie

You were afternoon tea

I was saloon

You were Junior League

I was Dodgers

But I loved you

Morning, night and noon

You haven't thought
about her in years, huh?

Now, you stick with that and finish
it. I think Mr. Murray's gonna like that.

Well, if he likes it enough
to give me an advance,

- you know what I'm gonna do?
- What?

Have our robe let out a little.

Oh...

Well, thank you very much. Bye.

That was Mr. Murray's secretary.

He left some time ago. He
ought to be here any minute.

- Hey, Lucy?
- Yeah.

I'm kind of jittery.

You know what I think I
need before he gets here?

Now, Phil...

Another bowl of oatmeal.

And leave the lumps in it.

- I like it over the rocks.
- Oh, you.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Here he is.

- Is that him? Hey, Lucy.
- What?

Hey, win, lose or draw,

thanks.

You're welcome.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

- Won't you come in, Mr. Murray?
- Hello.

- Hello.
- Hello, Phil.

Hi, Jack. It's been a long time.

Too long. You look great, pal.

Thank you.

Hello, Phil.

Hi, B.B.

I hope you've got a winner.

Maybe it could happen again.

Uh... Well, uh, let's
hear what you've got, eh?

Would you sit down
right over here, please?

- Thank you.
- Right here, Miss Carroll.

Well...

uh...

here goes.

[PLAYING BALLAD ON PIANO]

[SINGING] You were Boston

I was Vegas

You were crêpe suzette

I was pie

You were lectures

I was movies

But I loved you

You were Mozart

I was Basie

You were afternoon tea

I was saloon

You were Junior League

I was Dodgers

But I loved you

Morning, night and noon

Opposites attract
The wise men claim


Still I wish that we had been

A little more the same

It might have been a shorter w*r

If I had kissed you more

You were polo

I was racetrack

You were museums

I was TV

You did your best to change me

Though you never knew quite how

But I loved you

Almost as much as I do now

Oh.

Oh.

Phil, I think
you've got a big hit.

Thank you.

Did you like it, B.B.?

It's the loveliest
song I've ever heard.

Oh, I'm so happy.

Well, now that you're so happy,

would you mind doing
something to make me happy too?

Anything. What?

- Give me back my pants.
- Okay.

From now on,

I'll take care of these.

[ANNOUNCER READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]
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