06x23 - Lucy and Sid Caesar

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Lucy Show". Aired: October 1, 1962 – March 11, 1968.*
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Widow Lucy Carmichael raises her children and shares her home with divorcee friend Vivien.
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06x23 - Lucy and Sid Caesar

Post by bunniefuu »

[ANNOUNCER READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]

ANNOUNCER:
Co-starring Gale Gordon.

Here you are, sir.

Gladys, how much is and ?

Thirty-one.

And how much is and ?

Sixty-one.

And how much is...?

Lucy, if you have so much
trouble adding figures,

why don't you learn
to use the tabulator?

Quiet! I don't want them to think
that I can be replaced by a machine.

- I'd, uh, like to cash this check, please.
- Yes, sir.

Sid Caesar! Oh,
I can't believe it.

Look who you are!

- That's me, all right.
- Oh!

Oh, well, this
is quite a thrill.

You certainly know how to
make people feel welcome.

Oh, well, I've always wanted
to meet you, Mr. Caesar.

- Ooh, may I have your autograph?
- Certainly. Thank you.

Oh, you know, whenever
you're on television,

I turn my set off
and go next door.

You what?

My girlfriend has a color set.

Oh, heh.

Oh, I'm so thrilled. Thank
you. I can't believe...

- Now, uh, please. The check, please.
- Oh, yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Uh... A thousand dollars. Uh...

Yes, sir. A thousand dollars.

Man cannot live by bread alone.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, that's funny.

- The check?
- Yes, sir.

You want a thousand dollars.

Well, uh, could I
give you $ bill?

Well, that's not
really very wieldy.

Well, how about,
um, ten $ bills?

No, you see, I'd rather
have smaller bills.

Say, some s, some
s, and s and s.

Oh, I have to add up
s, s, s and s

so it comes out
exactly , huh?

Well, uh, let's see...

I'll tell you what,

I'll just put this right up here and
you just pick out what you want.

Those, uh... Those s look
delicious. I'll have a dozen of those.

And let me have ten of those
pretty green s with the mint centers.

Ten s.

And those s look nice
and fresh. I'll have ten s.

Ten s. Yes, sir.

And give me a dozen and a
half of those crisp, nice $ bills.

A dozen and a half?

A dozen and a half.

Twelve is a dozen.

Oh, ha, ha.

There. Now how much is that?

That's $ .

- $ ?
- Yes.

Oh, well, you have ten
more dollars coming.

Yes, let me have ten of
those itsy-bitsy singles.

Oh, some itsy-bitsy singles.

All right, there you are.
Ten little itsy-bitsies. $ .

There we are. And here we are.

- Here's $ for yourself.
- Oh, no!

- Go buy yourself a pair of stockings.
- Oh, I couldn't.

I insist.

Oh, well, now, you
really are so generous.

Easy come, easy go.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

- Well, thank you.
- You're welcome.

- Did you see who that was?
- Yeah.

Oh, I gotta go tell
Mr. Mooney I met Sid Caesar.

Put the money away, will you?

Mr. Caesar, I assure you the
bank will do everything possible

to prevent that forger from cashing
any more checks on your account.

- Well, I should hope so.
- Well, now...

- Mr. Mooney, guess what?
- Please, Mrs. Carmichael, I'm busy.

But this is important. Guess who I
just cashed a check for in person?

- Whom?
- Sid Caesar!

Oh, no!

Yes.

You cashed a check
for Sid Caesar?

Yes, and you should
have seen him. He's ador...

Who are you?

Who do you think he
is, you nincompoop!

I'm Sid Caesar.

But if you're Sid
Caesar, who is that man?

That man was an
imposter, a forger.

Oh, but he seemed so nice.

He even gave me his autograph.

I mean your autograph.

He gives out lots of autographs
and on checks, and my checks!

How much was this one for?

One thousand dollars.

[SHUDDERS]

Oh, can I get you
a glass of water?

Better make it a bucket.
I think I'll drown myself.

Mrs. Carmichael,
when you cash a check,

don't you ever ask
for identification?

Well, certainly. But who
doesn't know Sid Caesar?

You didn't!

Oh, now, it wasn't my fault.

He was so much
like you, Mr. Caesar.

Why, your looks, your
physique, even your personality!

I can't understand it.

How can a man with so much
going for him turn to crime?

I mean, look at these checks
he's forged: , , now .

I mean, I wish I could
afford to live like that.

Yeah, me too. He sure
must be a big spender.

He even gave me $ and told
me to buy myself some stockings.

Oh, fine!

Now he's a big tipper.
And with my money.

- I mean, with Mr. Mooney's money.
- Mr. Mooney's money?

It so happens the bank has to
make good on those forgeries.

Ohh.

Well, then thank you for
my stockings, Mr. Mooney.

Will you be quiet.

I've got to figure out how
we can catch that criminal.

Yes, sir.

Oh, I have an idea how we can
tell the forger from Mr. Caesar.

How?

When you come in to cash a
check, we could have a little signal.

Uh, you could go like this...

And then I'll know
it's really you.

Mrs. Carmichael, you cannot
ask a big star like Sid Caesar

to go around making ridiculous
gestures like this in a public place.

Oh, now. No, Mr. Mooney,
you did it wrong.

It's with the thumb under.

She's right, Mr. Mooney.

Most people go like
this with the thumb out

but with the thumb in it's a good
signal. The RAF used to use it a lot.

The RAF?

When they made a drop
they always went like this...

- I didn't know that.
- Oh, yes.

Oh, I thought I
just made that up.

No. Well, from now on
this will be our signal, right?

- Goodbye, Mrs. Carmichael.
- Goodbye.

Goodbye, Mr. Mooney.

Goodbye.

- You're doing it wrong.
- What?

You're doing it with your thumb
out. Thumb under. Like that.

And then wiggle your fingers.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

- Thank you, Mr. Manbridge.
- Thank you.

Good morning.

Oh, good morning, Mr. Caesar.

- I'd like to cash a check, please.
- Uh, yes, sir.

[CHUCKLES]

You forgot something.

Uh, like what?

Our secret signal, so I'll know it's
you and not the forger. Remember?

Oh yes, that. Oh, I
remember, yes. Now.

Would you mind cashing
the check now, please?

Uh, Mr. Caesar, I hope
you won't resent this,

but on account of your
forgetting our little signal,

and just for your own protection
to make sure that you're really you,

uh, would you do me a favor?

Like what?

Well, I saw you in
that show Little Me

and you know the song that you
sang to the girl in the second act?

Oh, yes, I remember.

Would you mind doing it for me?

Well, you see in the
show I, uh, I did it with a girl

and it's very difficult
to do it without a girl.

Well, I'd be very
happy to help you.

[CHUCKLES]

You see, in the show it went
something like this, um... Um...

[SINGING] Pardon me,
miss But I've never done this


With a real live girl

That's the song, that's it.

Straight off the farm
With an actual arm


Full of real live girl

Pardon me If your
affectionate squeeze


Fogs up my glasses
And buckles my knees


I'm simply drowned in the sight
And the sound and the scent


And the feel

Of a real live girl

Oh, that's just wonderful.
Wonderful, wonderful.

I hope you, uh, weren't
offended, Mr. Caesar,

but I just wanted to make
sure it was you, you know?

It was my pleasure and
with your brilliant mind,

I know we're gonna
catch that forger.

Oh, well, I certainly hope so.

There you are, sir.
One thousand dollars.

- Thank you. Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

What was that little
routine all about?

Well, I just wanted to make sure
that that was really Mr. Caesar,

so I made him sing a
song from a show he was in.

Oh, that was very smart.

- May I see the check, please?
- Yes, sir.

Oh, yes, yes. That's
Mr. Caesar's signature, all right.

I really don't know how you can tell
the difference. That forger is so good.

Well, when you've been
around banking as long as I have

you develop a sort of know-how
about those things, a cunning, you know.

- You really are very shrewd.
- Oh, well...

- No, really you are.
- I'm glad you noticed that.

Oh, Mr. Mooney, the imposter!

I'll detain him. You
get the security officer.

- Oh, Mr. Caesar, how nice to see you.
- Hi.

And what can I do for you today?

Well, first of all, I'd
like to have this...

If you would like...

- There he is, there he is!
- Grab him!

- All right, buddy, come along quietly.
- What's going on? I'm Sid Caesar.

Oh, no, no, no. The real
Sid Caesar just left here.

But I am Sid Caesar.
I have identification.

- Look out, he's going for a g*n!
- Hold it!

Don't make a move.
Just keep your hands up.

Now get over there
to that counter.

Put your hands on
the counter and lean.

I'm telling you I'm Sid Caesar.

Look inside my coat pocket.
My coat pocket, look inside.

All right. Here, here.

Mr. Mooney, you keep
him covered while I frisk him.

Now, just keep him covered.

Will you stop?

- I'm very ticklish!
- All right.

Easy now, easy.

Uh-oh.

- Oh, Mr. Mooney.
- What is it?

Some checks made out to
Mr. Caesar and a deposit slip.

Now, would a forger be
putting money into a bank?

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Well, you should be! I've never
been so humiliated in all my life!

Oh, well, this was a
mistake so easily made.

That man looks so much like you.

Then maybe I should
try to find a banker

who isn't so fooled by every
pretty face that comes along.

Ohh, this is all your fault!

[SCREAMS]

Don't sh**t,
Mr. Mooney, don't sh**t!

Fire me, take away my
sick leave, but don't sh**t.

Mr. Mooney, please
give me the g*n.

Oh, please, just
one little sh*t.

I'll clean up the
mess. Really, I will.

Would you please give me
the g*n? Give me the g*n.

You'll be all right.

I'll be all right if she
keeps out of my way.

You stay away from the bank!

Stay away from me, out of my
sight! Stay away from the bank!

- Oh, Mr. Mooney!
- What now? What now?

You've just given
me a wonderful idea.

Where's that g*n?
I want the g*n.

Listen, if Mr. Caesar would
stay away from the bank,

just for a little while, and
not cash any more checks,

then if that crook comes in the
bank, we'll know that he's the forger.

- Sounds like a good idea, Mr. Mooney.
- Well, I...

It's brilliant! It's
absolutely brilliant.

It's even better than this.

Oh, anything's better than this.

Okay, Charlie, to win on
Crystal Princess in the th.

You got a bet.

Hi, Rocky!

Well, if it ain't my old pal, Frankie
the Forger! How's the action?

I'm still writing fiction.

Ha, ha. Boy, you've sure got
a good racket going for you.

A bank account like Sid
Caesar's to write checks on, huh?

It ain't as soft a
touch as you think it is.

Having to go around looking like the
guy, acting like him, talking like him.

And today, I even
had to sing like him

and that ain't easy for a guy
with a nice voice like I got,

- you know what I mean?
- Ha-ha-ha.

Would you care for
some lunch, boss?

Yeah, I'm gonna have the
knockwurst and sauerkraut

and some of those nice crispy
brown lyonnaise potatoes, huh?

How about you, Frankie? I
can recommend the knockwurst.

Yeah, well, no thanks.
Uh, Caesar's still on a diet.

I'll take my usual. Cottage
cheese and skim milk.

- Cottage cheese?
- Ah, eh.

I didn't mind looking like
Caesar, you know, years ago.

But since he's been on
that diet, it's been k*lling me.

I liked him better when he
was a big fat slob, you know?

Do you know how long it's been
since I've seen a pizza, or a lasagna,

or a banana split, or a
strawberry shortcake?

And it ain't bad enough he wants
to be thin, but dig this crazy hairdo.

In the old days, I used
to walk in a nightclub,

the girls in the chorus
would wink at me. Eh?

You know who winks at me now?

The boys in the chorus.

Here you are, boss.

Knockwurst and sauerkraut
with lyonnaise potatoes.

And for you, Frankie,
cottage cheese and skim milk.

Ah, ha, that looks great.

Mm, looks delicious.

Let's see...

That does it! If he wants to waste
away to nothing that's his business,

but I can't take it any
longer. I can't go on like this.

I got to have it!

Frankie! Frankie.

You can't quit now,
you're in your prime.

I know what I'm going to do.

Tomorrow, I'm going to that
bank and lay a big one on them.

I'm gonna forge
one for , bucks.

- , ?
- Yeah.

Then you know what I'm gonna
do? I'm gonna take a trip to Europe,

hit all those famous restaurants
and eat everything in sight.

Yeah, you remember the way
I used to eat in the old days?

Boy, do I.

I was the only guy you ever saw
in a cafeteria that needed a caddy.

Why did I have to
look like Sid Caesar?

Why couldn't I have
looked like Jackie Gleason?

Oh, boy.

Then I could eat
everything, huh?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

- How about a little piece.
- Control yourself.

Oh, Mr. Mooney, that payroll we had
to handle this morning was so heavy

that our cash on hand
is nearly depleted.

Well, call the main branch and
have them send over $ , .

Yes, sir.

Now remember, Mrs. Carmichael,

the security officer and a
policeman are stationed in my office.

If Frankie the Forger shows up,

you press the intercom
button three times.

- Don't worry, sir.
- Right.

- Uh-oh.
- What?

I better start pressing.

Good. We'll catch him
passing a bad check.

Good morning, Mrs. Carmichael.

Oh, good morning, Mr. Caesar.
You want to cash a check?

Yes, you see, last night I got
a telegram from Las Vegas.

- They want me to come up and open up.
- Oh, I see.

Oh, a thousand dollars?

Yes, I need some
going away money.

Some going away money.
Well, I'd be very glad to oblige.

In fact, we've even arranged a
little going away party for you.

- That's him, that's him!
- Hey, what's going on here?

We finally caught up
with Frankie the Forger.

Oh, no, not again!

I'm not Frankie the
Forger. I'm Sid Caesar!

Oh, no you're not.

The real Mr. Caesar agreed not to
cash any checks until we caught you.

That's what I was
trying to explain to you.

When I got home last
night I got a telegram...

- You can tell that story to the judge.
- Yeah, come on, Frankie.

I'm Sid Caesar!
Don't you understand?

[SINGING] Pardon me,
miss But I've never done this


With a real live girl

Come on, we're taking you in.

Pardon me, miss But
I've never done this


Well, congratulations,
Mrs. Carmichael.

- My idea really worked, didn't it?
- It certainly did.

You can fool some of
the people all of the time,

and you can fool all of the
people some of the time,

but you better not fool
around with us, huh?

That's very good, very good.

Mrs. Carmichael, as a reward I would
like to take you to lunch to my club.

Lunch at your club?
Oh, that's wonderful.

- Well, I think you deserve it.
- Thank you.

- Oh, look, here's the real Mr. Caesar.
- Why, so it is.

- Hello, hello.
- Nice to see you.

Hi there. Well, we did it.

You, uh, did what?

We caught Frankie the Forger.

- Yep, they took him out just now.
- They did?

My idea really worked.

By you agreeing not
to cash any checks

the minute he walked in
here we knew who he was.

Say, now that Frankie
the Forger is out of the way,

maybe I can cash a check without
all this rigamarole going on, huh?

That's right.

- It's a big one, you know.
- Well, it's your money!

You see, I'm leaving on a
tour of Europe tomorrow,

- Oh!
- And I'll need $ , .

, . Well, now, I don't think
we have that much cash on hand.

- Oh, you don't have it, huh?
- But we will.

Just as soon as the messenger
arrives from our main branch.

- Well, how long will that take?
- Oh, about an hour.

- It'll only take an hour, huh?
- Now, you don't have to wait around.

Why don't you join us for lunch.

Sure. We can celebrate
catching Frankie the Forger.

Are you sure they caught
this Frankie the Forger?

Oh, yes.

- And are you sure they put him in jail?
- They just waltzed him out of here.

- Well then, let's go. Shall we?
- Oh, wonderful.

I see. Oh, you did.

Well, thank you, lieutenant,
thank you. Goodbye.

What did he say?

Well, Frankie the Forger still
claims that he's Sid Caesar.

Oh, honestly.

- You know what
else? LUCY: What?

They let him out on bail.

They let him out on bail?

MOONEY: Out on bail.

They let him out on bail.

It's terrible the way they let criminals
walk around scot-free these days.

Yeah. I wonder if he
paid his bail with a check.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Here you are, miss.

Chicken cacciatore, baked lasagna
and broccoli with hollandaise sauce.

LUCY: That looks beautiful.
MOONEY: That does look good.

WAITER: And for you, Mr. Mooney,

roast turkey with oyster dressing,
apple fritters, candied yams,

- and homemade cornbread.
- Ah.

Ooh, that looks delicious.

And for your order, sir,
cottage cheese and skim milk.

Is that really all
you're going to have?

You ought to try this turkey.

Now, Mr. Mooney, it's not nice to
tempt someone when they're on a diet.

- Well, cheers!
- Cheers.

[LUCY MOANING]

This lasagna is the
best I have ever tasted.

I'm so glad. They
do it very well here.

- What do you have?
- I have turkey with oyster dressing.

LUCY: I love it. I love oyster dressing.
- I can't go on like this!

Operator, get me the police.

- The police?
- What do you want with the police?

I can't stand this any longer. I
can't go on like this. I've got...

Hello, police? I'm in the dining
room of the Lafayette Men's Club.

Come and get me. This
is Frankie the Forger.

That's right,
Frankie the Forger.

You are Frankie the Forger?

Yes. And before the cops get here,
I'm gonna have some food. Real food!

- Waiter! Waiter!
- Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Bring me pork chops and a
squab stuffed with oyster dressing,

then stuff a squab in a
turkey, and some lasagna.

Black-eyed peas and candied yams
and cornpone and Virginia hams.

Hot bread and turnip beans,
fatback and lima beans.

And that's what I
like about the South!

- And, waiter!
- Yes, sir? Yes, sir?

Bring me a corned beef
sandwich, all fat. Agh!

Now, you're gonna see
some eating and some food.

All right, Frankie, let's go. We
just got a call to pick you up.

- You got here so fast.
- We were cruising the neighborhood.

- The waiter just took my lunch order.
- Don't worry about your lunch.

We'll give you some bread and water
down at the station house. Come on.

Put a little salt. Put
a little salt on this.

[OFFICERS SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Mrs. Carmichael, do you
realize what's happened?

Yes, we finally got
Frankie the Forger arrested.

We also got Sid Caesar arrested.

One of our biggest clients.

- Oh, no!
- Yes.

And another thing, Frankie the
Forger, if you try to plead innocent,

I'll be there to appear
as a witness against you.

Take him away!

How do you do, Mr. Mooney?

How do you do, Mrs.
Carmichael? Nice to see you.

- It is?
- I... I...

- I thought you'd be furious.
- So did I.

- I just came over to apologize.
- Apologize?

Of course, it was my fault.

I wasn't supposed to cash a
check and I got you all confused.

Oh, well, you know,
that is awfully nice of you.

- Isn't that nice of him?
- Oh, heh.

Oh, won't you join us for lunch?

- May I?
- Yes, please do.

Oh, you don't know
how relieved we are.

- Oh, that other fellow.
- Oh, my goodness.

How did you catch
this Frankie the Forger?

Well, he gave himself up.

He said he couldn't stand
being on a diet anymore.

Do you know what else he did?

He ran off with my drumstick.

- Yeah, he just grabbed it and ran.
- Ran like a thief.

Well, it serves him right.

I can't stand a man
who lacks willpower.

Me, I have willpower!

Yeah, me too.

Last year I made up my mind I
wasn't going on any more diets

and I stuck to it.

Here's the food
you ordered, sir.

- Food?
- Yes, sir.

Oh, uh, waiter. Mr. Caesar
doesn't want that now.

He has cottage
cheese and skim milk.

Wait a minute!
You bring that back.

You stay out of it!

Get this away from me. Give
me this here. Look at this food.

Oh, my. Look at
this here, look at that.

Look at this!

I'll have a little food.
I'll get some food.

Oh boy, it's food. Ha, ha!

You'll never need this.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[ANNOUNCER READS ON-SCREEN TEXT]
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