03x19 - Stuck with d*ck

[bunniefuu]

Uh, excuse me.

I'm looking for something
light and understated,

yet capable of
catapulting me back

into the snowy bosom
of my true love.

Ah. Chardonnay beaulieu?

Uh, no. Mary albright.

I'll look around for you.

Uh, be sure it goes with ham.

Better check the bottle, d*ck.

Some of this stuff's
over a year old.

Oh, d*ck, this is so nice.

Planning a surprise
romantic encounter

for someone who hates your guts.

That's where you're
wrong, Tommy.

Mary admitted that she
still has feelings for me,

which is why I must act quickly

to regain her love and trust...

Excuse me! Do you
carry Spanish fly?

God, d*ck. Why don't you just
grab some microwave burritos

and a couple of tall
boys and go for it?

You don't know the first
thing about entertaining.

Yeah. First ya gotta
get some friends.

Yeah. Good luck with
that, miss personality.

Shut up, butt rash.
I'm workin' on it.

Oh, how I miss the days

of furtive looks
across the office,

passing notes in
faculty meetings.

Oh, and the groping
was always nice.

If things were so great, why were
you making our lives miserable

with your constant
whining and complaining?

Was not!

Was so! Was so!

Well, if I did,

it was probably because I was
filled with so much bliss,

I didn't know where to shove it.

Trust me, after my
romantic overtures,

our toothbrushes will be hanging

bristle to bristle by morning.

I say he's home by 7:00 with that
toothbrush in his eye socket.

Ooh. Look at the
studious schoolgirl,

all alone up in the
rare books room.

Well, I'm the big,
bad Professor,

and I'm disappointed
in your grades!

Not now. I'm in a rush.

I'm just kidding, Mary.
Actually, it's me... d*ck.

Uh, d*ck, are you
here for a reason?

I'm here because, well,

remember how you said that you
still had feelings for me?

Oh, I knew that would come
back and bite me in the ass.

I thought I would act on those
feelings and whisk you away

for a romantic interlude.

But first, a getting-to-re-know-you
champagne toast

and then we'll hike over to the
reservoir for a moonlit picnic.

I have plans!

You think I'm gonna drop
everything for a little champagne?

Not a little... A lot.

I don't have time.

It's not that easy
to erase the past.

Well, why would you
want to erase the past?

Think back, Mary.

Don't you remember the romance?

The laughter? The fighting?

The screaming?

The endless nights
of lovemaking?

The endless parade
of humiliations,

interspersed with random
acts of insanity!

It's after 7:00. They've
turned the elevators off.

I'll have to walk
down the stairs.

Oh, no!

Oh, we're locked in!

We could be here all night!

All alone! Just the two of us!

We're locked in.

We could be here all night.

All alone, just the two of us.

Noooo!

Hey. What's goin' on?

Oh, we're getting ready
to console d*ck.

He's gonna be devastated once
albright gives him the boot.

Yeah. Poor bastard.

Well, he should have
been home by now.

I mean, I've been rejected
by lots of girls.

It only takes a minute.

God, do you think something
terrible happened to him?

Well, she probably
just took him back.

That's what I meant!
We've gotta stop him!

He could be hanging his toothbrush
at her house right now.

Let's go!

Don't you think we're being
kind of selfish here?

No.

Let's go!

What the hell are you doing?

I'm looking for a secret
passageway out of here.

But be ready. We might
encounter a n*zi.

Or even a mummy!

d*ck, you got us into this.

You could at least do
something constructive!

Yeah. All right.

All right.

Hello-oooh!

Hello-oooh!

You see?! There are
other people here!

We're trapped!

We're trapped!

Great! They're trapped, too.

Every man for himself.

I don't believe this.

Oh, come on, Mary.

We'll just have to wait till
they rescue us tomorrow morning.

The library's closed tomorrow.

The library's
closed on Saturday?

d*ck, this is not a good school!

Wait a minute. I'm having a tupperware
party tomorrow, and Nina's gonna be there.

She'll put 2 and 2 together when
she realizes I'm not there,

and she'll come get me!

And me?!

Whatever.

Well... That's a cause
for celebration.

How romantic.

Pour the damn champagne!

Open up, d*ck!

We're not gonna let you do this!

Hello?

Ok. Spread out. I'll
check upstairs.

I'll check the basement.

There is no basement.

Ah. Then my work is done.

I'm on a 5, people.

There's nothing down here!

Oh! Oh, my God!

What, did you walk in on them?

No. I think I just
ate a bath oil bead!

Hey, does anybody remember albright
having little, tiny hands?

No, not really. Why?

Well, look at the size
of these sandwiches.

Her whole refrigerator is
full of trays of tiny food.

Wow. I bet I could fit, like, 12
of those in my mouth at once.

I'll take that bet.

I'm in.

Do it! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Well, things could be worse.

I mean, if I'm going to
be trapped with someone,

I'm sure glad it's you.

At least with you,

I know that, no matter
how hungry you get,

I'm not going to wake up to
find you gnawing at my leg.

Right, Mary?

I'm beginning to think you
planned this all along.

Actually, my plan was for us
to be doing it right now.

Under a pine tree
by the reservoir.

On the ground?!

Not on the ground.

I brought newspaper.

Entertainment section, Mary.

That's you.

Wow. Albright's got
such cool stuff.

I wonder how come she
never invites me over.

Because you're a freakin'
moose, that's why.

Hey! You guys gotta try

this electric ear swab!

Oh! They're back! Ok!
Pretend we just got here!

Ass right there, freezehole!

Don, what are you doing here?

Albright's silent
alarm went off.

Well, I didn't hear anything.

We thought there
might be a break-in.

Well, no one's broken
in since we broke in.

You broke in?

What, do you think
albright gave us the key?

B-but breaking and
entering, that's a crime.

Wow. Wow. Wow.

You shouldn't be here!
I should arrest you!

Oh, come on, don.

Can't you look the other
way just this once?

No, I'm afraid I can't, Sally.

I... well, just this once.

But... You can't stay here!

We'll leave right away, don.
Thanks.

It's ok, Rico! It was just a...
Raccoon.

Ok, you guys, you heard him.

We gotta get outta here.

Whoa! Check out pay per view!

Oh, what's on?

I don't know. Sounds good.

I remember the first
time I saw you.

You walked in like...

Cock of the walk.

You knew what you wanted,
and you took it!

Just like a cat takes...

What does a cat take?

Cat food?

That's it.

Ha... Ha... Ha... Ha...

I remember when I first
saw you, Mary albright.

I thought you were a fireball.

You sure have my number.

I know.

I stole it from Nina's rolodex.

I have a confession to make.

I was the one who kept
calling and saying,

"hello, fireball."

I knew it was you all along!

I'll tell you one thing.

What?

I made you earn it.

That's Mary albright!

I don't just give it away.

Anymore.

Hey, morning.

Oh, man...

What did I miss?

We watched beastmaster's
revenge 3 more times.

And you didn't wake me up?!

Well, what's on next?

English patient.

Yeah, me, too. Oh, I'm out.
Yeah.

Get back! Take your positions!

Wait a minute. I don't
think it's them.

What makes you so sure?

Why would she ring
her own doorbell?

Good thinking.

Hi. You must be Mary albright.

Uh... Yeah. Sure.

Otherwise, I'd be this person who
broke in and was hanging around,

even though the police
told me to leave, so...

I'm Suzy Martin...
From tupperware?

So, Mary, today's
your big party, huh?

My party?

Yeah. I have all your display
items out in the car.

Well, say, you're a big fella.

Want to give me a hand?

Hey, Mary, remember,
it's your party,

and you can coast,
or you can host.

Let's go.

This is odd.

Tommy, do you know
what this means?

No, Mary. What?

I'm hosting my first party.

Wake up.

Wake up!

Oh...

Huh?

d*ck...

Did we...

Did we what?

You know.

I-I'm not sure.

I think we did!

I'm not sure. You do?

Maybe we did!

Hey! Ooh!

You know what this means?!

No! We're back together!

Just you and me, kid! No.

No! We're an item!

Noo! Noo!

Somebody get me out of here!

d*ck, I want to make
myself perfectly clear.

We are not together again.

Whatever happened last night...

If it did...

Shouldn't have!

Well, I just want to say
that if it did happen...

It was glorious.

How do I let these
things happen to me?!

Why are you resisting, Mary?!

We've always been
great together.

Were we even in the
same relationship?!

I mean, every time I think
I have a handle on you,

you spring a new and
disturbing surprise on me!

You noticed?

Come on. Maybe we can find
something heavy to break the lock.

Oh, look! There's an air vent!

Yes, and there's a lamp.

Let's try to stay focused, Mary.

It might lead somewhere.
It's worth a try.

Ah, my brave little Mary.

You're magnificent.
You know that.

I won't try to stop you. No, no.

No, you wouldn't want me to.

That's the adventurous
spirit and intrepid pluck

that I've... get in the vent!

Oh, God!

Ow. Ow! Ow! Ooh!

Come on, Mary.

I made it.

You can do it.

Come on. Rappel. Rappel.

You are such a fool!

Need I remind you
that it was this fool

who suggested that we use
your pantyhose as a lifeline?

Let's just get out of here.

Oh! Oh...

Mother of... Pearl!

Don't lose hope, Mary.

If you cry, I'll cry,

and... and... and who'll
stop me from crying?!

Oh, don't try to hug me!

I'm not. There's a big,
dead spider in your hair.

Waaaahhh!

I told a lie. He's still alive.

Waaahh!

Hey, Tommy.

Where's Dr. albright?

Well, we're not sure,

but we think she's
having sex with d*ck.

Oh, my God! What
is she thinking?

What's she thinking?
What's he thinking?

Ok. Can we just agree
that they're both idiots?

Yeah!

So nobody noticed that Dr.
Albright isn't here?

Oh, well, we didn't
want to spoil the mood,

so we told them all
that her parents d*ed.

Well, maybe I ought to help out.

Uh... No, that won't
be necessary.

Ladies, I've got chills.

If you like the carrot keeper,

you'll think this next item
is the cat's whiskers!

I give to you the
super snack tube!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

I know! I know!

This slick little number

was designed for you
moms with little ones

whose mouths always
need feedin'.

Hungry kids? Hey, no problem!

Car, park, or pool,
you'll always be ready.

I'm no mom, but I've got
a mouth, and I want one!

Oh, put me down for 2!

Ooh! You know what I smell?

A bargain! And I'm
gonna go get it.

What is this place, anyway?

I think it's the
chancellor's ballroom.

No... I don't.

I think it's some kind
of a storage closet.

Hardy boys novels...

Updated textbooks... why don't
they just throw this junk out?

Well, I'll just throw out
these Hardy boys books.

Oh, my God!

This is my thesis!

I spent 2 years of my
life writing this,

and they keep it in here?!

Well, then, this must
be the archives!

It's in the bottom of a
boxed marked "sugar puffs"!

This was good, damn it!

And they keep it in here?

Oh, and look! In 15 years,
it was checked out once!

Once...

I'm so sorry, Mary.

I don't know what to say.

Champagne?

Thanks for having me, Sally.

It was a great party.

It was a hoot, wasn't it?
Bye-bye.

Look at all this loot!

I know. I must say, I love
my new chip sombrero.

Hold on there, compadre.

I called dibs on the chip
sombrero a half-hour ago,

along with the hamburger hopper.

Hamburger hopper? Everyone knows
that goes with the bun hutch,

and you ain't gettin' that.

Wait. The bun hutch is in
the countertop collection.

My countertop collection!

Well, now you're talkin' crazy.

Shut up!

Enough! You know what?

It was my party. I'm
calling the sh*ts.

We helped! Oh, we helped!

I carried this baby on my back!

I threw the tupperware
party of the season!

I'm the one who decides who gets
what, and nobody touches nothin'!

No, Sally. That ain't right.

We were all in this together!

Partners! Equal
partners, equal shares!

Just cool down here.

Why don't you guys
go in the kitchen

and get yourself
something to eat?

Oh, you'd like
that, wouldn't ya?

And when we get back,
what do ya know?

The bun hutch is gone!

Hey, hey, wait a minute!

I wouldn't do ya like that.

I just thought maybe you'd
like some mini pizza bagels.

Bagels?

Bagels?!

We don't need no
stinking bagels!

Wow.

I know. 3 in a row.

Damn!

When I wrote this, I was
so young and ambitious.

I was so full of dreams.

And you know what else?

I was so full of crap!

This is what I
thought was good?!

This belongs in here!

It belongs in the garbage!

Oh, I know how you feel.

Oh, you can't know how I feel!

I know what it's like to be
betrayed by your memories.

I remembered our relationship
as being all rosy,

but it turns out it was
one long nightmare.

It wasn't all bad.

A lot of it was, but...

Some of it was ok.

You mean it?

Yeah.

Well, what you wrote about the
Mayan subculture in chapter 11

was really wonderful.

You read my thesis.

You're the one who
checked it out!

Of course I was.

I even kept it an extra week.

I got $3.00 in fines.

Then you liked it?

Yeah, it was good.

Maybe not $3.00 good, but good.

So it was you.

What a nice surprise.

You see?

It isn't so bad being stuck
here with me, is it?

I guess not.

What's that smell?

Oh, I was afraid we'd get lost,

so I left a trail of
blue cheese in the vent,

and I guess the heater
just kicked in.

Oh!

Champagne?

Wild weekend, huh?

We were in the library.

Mmm. Is that so?

Yes, as a matter of fact, it is.

We were locked in
the whole time.

Look, I don't need to know.

What you do on the weekend
is your business.

Which was spend it
locked in the library.

Uh-huh, and is that

why you smell like
cheap champagne?

It may have been cheap,
but there was lots of it.

Whatever.

Nina, cancel my classes.

I'm going to spend about
6 hours in the tub.

So does this mean that
the two of you...

I don't know what this means.

All I know is that this weekend

made me realize a few things,

and I've got to admit, he
is charming in his way.

In his way?

Well, he's full of surprises,

and as much as I
thought I'd hate that,

I guess it's fun
to be surprised.

Oh, uh, by the way, Nina,
I'm going to class.

See if you can b*at the cheese
stink out of these pants.

Surprise!

Well, I don't understand
these charges.

I did not watch beastmaster's
revenge 4 times.

I don't even know what
a beastmaster is!

Well, that does
sound intriguing,

but I didn't order it.

And what is ultimate
warrior bloodbath '98?

Oh, wait. I did order that.