04x07 - D3: Judgment Day

[bunniefuu]

Don is taking me bowling.

Can you believe it?

Bowling!

Hard to believe.

Just picture it:

Me and don, alone...

Our sweaty bodies intertwine...

Bowling.

You don't know what
bowling is, do you?

No.

Oh, d*ck.

I came to pendleton for
its collection of rare books,

But I found something
much rarer...

The love of a good man.

Oh ha ha.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Well, I'm off to sing madrigals
with my choral group.

Are you sure you won't join me?

Uh, madrigals...
No, I don't think so.

All right. I'll see
you later then.

Ohh!

Good-bye, all!

Good-bye, jennifer.

She's great, d*ck.

Oh, yeah, she's great.

There's just one problem really.

What's that?

I can't stand her!

How did that happen?

I don't know! For
the first 3 days

I was madly in love with her,

Then on the fourth
day, it was over.

Wow. So it sounds like
it was just infatuation.

Thank you so much, mr. Monday
morning quarterback.

You win the hindsight bowl!

I miss mary!

Oh, gee! Ohh!

Mary and I were
meant for each other.

And now I've dumped her

Just because she was
so busy being dean.

I've gotta get her back.

Well, but first you
gotta get rid of jennifer.

I know, but how?

Well, you could treat
her like you treated mary.

That seems to do
irreparable damage.

Look, d*ck, you just
gotta come clean.

You gotta tell
jennifer the truth.

It's what don would do.

I mean, don always says,
"the truth might hurt,

But a lie will only get you
a billy club to the windpipe."

The truth, huh?

You know, that's so
crazy it just might work.

Captioning made
possible by carsey-werner

Productions and the
national broadcasting company

♪ Diaphenia, like
the daffdowndilly ♪

Jennifer. ♪ White as the sun ♪

♪ Fair as the lily ♪
jennifer.

♪ Heigh-ho, heigh-ho ♪
excuse me.

♪ How I do love thee ♪
jennifer.

Jennifer!

What is it, my pretty
prince of fun and physics?

I have something to tell you,

And it's not going to be easy.

A bit of gossip,
perhaps even sleazy?

Maybe it's gonna be
easier than I thought.

Jennifer, we've had
some good times...

And many more to come.

Yes, well, actually,
what I was getting at is

I think it's time we moved on.

To the next level? Oh,
d*ck, I couldn't agree more.

I've got a class.
We'll celebrate later.

Oh, jennifer, no,
you misunderstood.

♪ Diaphenia, like
the daffdowndilly ♪

Jennifer! Oh, damn!

Yes!

Whoo-hoo! All right, donny!

Oh, that was so great!

Wh-what is that called?

That's a strike, baby.

All right, now, remember
what I told you, sally.

When bowling, first of all, you
put your fingers into the holes here.

Hold it like that. All right.

All right. Ok. Now
the key is the head pin.

You want that head pin, so you
want to hook around through...

Yeah, yeah, I got it. Throw
ball, knock down pins.

Well, there's more
to it than that. I mean...

Don't throw the ball!

Ohh, no!

Putting the you back in him?

Not the self-help books!

I need help. I made a
complete ass of myself.

So you got drunk and
told him off. Big deal.

You want him back, go get him.

I was the one that told him
it was ok to see other people.

Now I think that's a big red
check in my guilt column.

Ok, you want him back?

Well, it just bothers
me to see him with her.

Shut up! I said, do
you want him back?

Yes.

Repeat after me:

Go go

Get get

Him. Him.

Again! Go get go get

Him. Him.

All together! Go
get him! Go get him!

Now you march in there, tell
him how you feel, straight up.

Straight up!

Go get him! Go get him!

"And so, jennifer, lest there
be any misunderstanding,

I do not, cannot, and
will not ever love you

"As long as we both shall live.

With frosty aloofness..."

d*ck solomon.

Now, that should do the trick.

d*ck. Mary, what
are you doing here?

I-i've come here to tell
you something straight up!

And here it is:

What you did really hurt me.

Oh, I know. Mary...

No, no, no, it was
thoughtless and pigheaded!

That's exactly what
I've just written...

No. Let me finish.

I don't put all
the blame on you.

I mean, I was
consumed by my job,

And I didn't have
enough time for us,

But seeing you with someone else

Makes me realize what I've lost.

It does?

Now I can't expect you to
just come running back to me

Without me making
some sacrifices.

No, of course not.

I mean, I've just got to make
myself more available to you.

Oh, yeah, that would be a must.

I... I can't give you a lot of time,
but I can give you quality time.

And seeing me with jennifer
made you realize this?

Yes, d*ck.

I see.

Well, let me explain
something to you, mary.

Quality time is good, but
jennifer gives me quantity time.

That means a lot of time, mary.

She puts me first.
Me. Not her job.

Something apparently
you are not willing to do.

I am so too willing. It's
just that you're being...

No, no, it hurts too much!

Oh, d*ck!

I'm not saying that
you should stop trying,

But it will be hard.

There are hurdles, mary.

Hurdles!

Hurdles!

So there I was. I'd just finished
my break-up letter to jennifer

When mary comes in and
tells me she wants me back.

No! Yes!

After what you did?! I know!

Oddly enough, being with
jennifer seems to have helped.

The less available I am,
the more mary wants me.

So you took mary back?

Ohh, no, no.

No, mary's offer
was tempting, yes,

But I'm not closing
this deal just yet.

I can get a lot more out of her.

What makes you so sure?

Jennifer...

Is my bargaining chip.

Well, what do you want?

I want the old mary...

Walks in the park,

Breakfast in bed,

Lunch in bed.

Changing the sheets,
'cause there's food in the bed.

You know.

Hi, guys.

Where's sally?

All right, don,
let's get outta here.

Hey!

Sally, are we going luging?

No, we're going bowling. Why?

Well, because you're
dressed like a big luger.

That's exactly right.

Sleek,

Agile,

Aerodynamic, and...

Dangerous.

Let's bowl.

All right, eyes on the target...

Relax, concentrate...

And... Doh!

Ah, that's very good, sally.

You're really getting
the hang of this.

Oh, there's one left.

Die, you bastard, die!

Yes! A spare!

I get to go again.

Uh, sally! Can I talk
to you for a minute?

Yeah, but hurry
up. I'm in the zone.

Sally, have you ever...

You ever heard of the
term, "play by the rules"?

No.

Well, the rule is, you know,

You get a turn, and
then I get a turn.

I don't like that rule.

Hey, don, what's
the goal of bowling?

Knock down the
most pins. And have i?

Well, yes, sally, but there's a
certain thing called sportsmanship.

Freeze. 6-Pin
standing at 11 o'clock.

Sally...

That's not our lane!

What the hell are
you doing, lady?!

You left 'em unprotected.
Get your head back in the game.

Mary: now I think,

That once you see the numbers,

You'll realize just what good
shape this department is in.

And next semester...

d*ck, with my allergies,

I won't be able to
eat anything here.

Uh-huh.

Oh, no! No, no, no!

Mary's here. This is no good.

Well, we'll go somewhere else.

No, no. I will not let
her control my life. Sir...

We would like a table as far
away from that woman as possible.

Of course.

How is the table by the window?

What, in the draft?

Well, what about
next to the bar?

With all those drunken boors?

Well, I'm afraid that
leaves this table here.

All right, but
this is an outrage.

You're sure you're
all right with this.

Absolutely. We are
going to have a good time.

Why should we let some wacky
coincidence dampen our spirits?

Oh. Uh.

d*ck.

Why, mary.

I didn't expect to see you here.

What a surprise! Hello,
provost, how are you?

So nice to see you both.

Listen, I don't want to
interrupt your dinner.

Jennifer and I will just
sit over here and nuzzle.

I can't understand a word
you're saying. So let's order.

I don't know why you would
bring me to a place like this.

I'm allergic to
everything on the menu.

Why, the butter alone... Aah!

Ah! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, you.

Quality time?

You actually
said "quality time"?

Well, I was just
trying to define...

Is that what we talked about?

Is that what we talked about?!

No.

When a man hears "quality time,"

He thinks it means

Rub your feet while you
watch the lifetime channel.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

What am I supposed to do?

You have really lost it.

You have lost your groove thing.

Come on!

Blow smoke up his
ego, make him want you.

I don't know.

You...

Are mary albright.

You flirt shamelessly.

That's what you're famous for.

I am?

Mm-hmm.

I am.

Now, you go out there and live
up to your trashy reputation.

I'll do it!

Hi, d*ck.

Mary.

Gee, I hope last night
at the restaurant

Wasn't too awkward for you.

Ohh, not at all.

I don't know whether
you noticed, but, uh,

I was with jennifer.

Uh huh. You had on a new
jacket last night. I liked it.

Ooh, you did, huh?

I found it on a bus.

Pretty good fit, though, eh?

Very.

But you always know
what looks good on you.

Well, that's so true.

Have you been working out?

Oh, yeah.

Hey. What?

I canceled my meeting tonight.

Really?

So we can do...
Whatever you want.

Oh, yeah?

Let's say we make
it an early weekend.

Oh, I can't take friday off.

I have a budget
meeting in the morning.

Ohh, look at this.

Jennifer's wide open on friday.

You know, she is so flexible.

I'll see how open I can get.

My god, it's actually working!

If I can keep this going
another few days,

I'll have her up to 6 nights
and melrose mondays.

Melrose mondays?

Oh, jennifer.

What happened to you?

It's an allergic reaction.

I told you I couldn't
eat at that restaurant.

But you didn't eat anything.
All you had was water.

I think there was a lemon in it.

d*ck, I noticed
something last night,

And I want you to be
perfectly honest with me.

You still have feelings
for mary, don't you?

He didn't answer right away.

Oh, my god. He didn't
answer right away.

Oh, dear god, jennifer,

He does have are you
feelings for her. All right?

Now, jennifer...

Jennifer, calm down!

Look, I can see you're upset,

But I think it's crucial
that we tough it out

For another 2 or
3 days, depending.

Ohh.

I see what game you're playing.

You've just been using me.

No.

Oh, thou blind fool, love,

What dost thou to mine eyes,

That they behold, yet
see not what they see?

J-j-jennifer, wait!

I don't even know
what that means!

Ohh!

What's the matter?

I'll tell you what's the matter.

Jennifer broke up with me

Just as I was starting to make
some real headway with mary!

Oh, god, why don't you
just be honest with them?

It's what don would do.

I can't! I've almost got
mary where I want her.

What are you gonna do?

I've gotta find some way to
win that horror show back!

I'm gonna go insane!

That's nice. We'll miss ya.

Psst. You guys ready?

Yeah. Wait a second,
I gotta go get my...

Come on, come on, come on!

Hey, guys. What are you
guys doing? Where you going?

I-i-i'm just taking
harry and tommy...

In for questioning.

Oh, I thought we
were goin' bo...

♪ Bo bo-bo-bo ♪

♪ Bo bo-bo-bo-bo ♪

All right! All right, tommy!

Atta boy, baby!

All right, boys,
another beer frame!

All right! You
in the zone, baby!

Come on, get 'em all!

See the ball, be the ball!

Oh, yeah!

Ah!

♪ Who goes? ♪

♪ We goes ♪

♪ The three amigos! ♪

Hoo-ahh!

Sally.

Where ya been?

♪ Diaphenia, like
the daffdowndilly ♪

♪ White as the sun,
fair as the lily ♪

♪ Heigh-ho ♪

♪ Heigh-ho ♪

♪ How I do love thee ♪

♪ I do love thee as my lambs ♪

♪ Are beloved of their dams ♪

♪ How blest were I if
thou wouldst prove me ♪

♪ Diaphenia, like the
spreading roses ♪

♪ That in thy sweets
all sweets encloses ♪

♪ Fair sweet, fair sweet,
how I do love thee ♪

♪ I do love thee
as each flower ♪

♪ Loves the sun's
life-giving power ♪

♪ For, dead, thy breath
to life might move me ♪

You're mocking my madrigals.

Jennifer, no.

I'm here to win back your heart.

Mm-hmm.

Forgive me.

d*ck, are those orchids?

Yes.

Call 911.

Call 911.

No, no, no. It's ok.
They're all paid for.

Gaaagh! Aah!

Oh, my god! She's allergic!

Oh, damn!

Honestly, sally, it's
not what you think it is.

Uh, what... What
do you think it is?

You went bowling behind my back.

With harry and tommy.

Ha ha ha ha, noooo.

No. Of course not.

Why are you wearing
matching bowling shirts then?

Ok, give me a minute.

Hey, is... Is that a
water fountain?

I think it is.

Let's check that out.

I would like that.

Why don't you tell
me the truth, don?

Just be honest.

All right, you want honesty?

I'll... I'll give you honesty.

I hate bowling with you, sally.

I... I absolutely hate it!

You're... You're terrible.

By ignoring the rules, you just spit
in the eye of the pastime of the gods.

And to be honest, I never want
to go bowling with you again.

Oh, sally.

Sally, I'm kidding!

I'm kidding! I'm a kidder.

I'm joking, it was a joke.

I... I love bowling with you.

You don't mean that.

I...

I don't mean it?

You don't think I mean it?

Come on.

Sally, it's your turn.

You're up.

And I want you to use...

My ball.

You mean...

That's right.

Blue thunder.

Oh. Oh, don!

Oh! Sally!

Aah!

Dr. Solomon!

♪ Heigh-ho, heigh-ho ♪

♪ How are you doing? ♪

I'm fine. ♪ How are you doing? ♪

I'm fine. ♪ How are you doing? ♪

I'm fine! Shut up!

What are you doing here?!

These flowers are
for jennifer. What?!

It's ok. They're plastic.

But she's in the hospital.

No, she's out,

And coming here. Oh!

♪ Diaphenia, like the
spreading roses ♪

♪ That in thy sweets
all sweets encloses ♪

Oh, my god!

What the hell was that?

I've gotta get ahold of
mary before it's too late!

Don't answer that!
It's dr. Solomon,

And he's desperate
to talk to you.

He is?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You've got him
where you want him.

Now... It's time to be cool.

Hi, mary, it's d*ck. I was just
wondering how you were doing.

But, uh, you just walked in,
so when you get this message,

Just ignore it. Take care. Bye.

Hello, d*ck.

Mary, I was just thinking about

What you said the other
day, about quality time.

Oh, that.

I, uh, just want you to know

That if you're still willing to
make that kind of commitment,

I would be willing to
make a sacrifice of my own.

Are you making an offer?

Well, no, I'm really just
putting out a feeler.

I'm not sure it's worth my
time to respond to a feeler.

Oh, I think this is a feeler
that you can't refuse.

Mary, if you can
promise me to make a

Good-faith effort to
spend more time with me,

I will break up with jennifer,

Despite the fact that I will
be crushing the frail soul

Of a woman already
teetering on the edge of sanity.

I can live with that.

Oh, mary! Oh, d*ck!

Oh, mary!

What do you say we get outta
here and find someplace nice?

And when I say get outta
here, I mean right now!

You! Jennifer!

What were you
doing to me, orchids?!

I gave you a list
of my allergies,

And what was on the
top of page 6, column 2?

Orchids!

Ok, jennifer, before
you go any further,

There's something I must say:

I am breaking up with you.

You're breaking up with me?

You're breaking up with me?!

I ended this hideous travesty
of a relationship yesterday!

Yesterday? She... She
broke up with you yesterday?

Oh, that's right.
You broke up with me.

That's how it happened.

Teetering.

You're incredible!

You are so lucky I'm allergic
to any blood other than my own,

Because if I weren't, I would
cut you open from stem to stern

And dance in the red,
red river of your death.

Help me, mary, help me.

Oh, get out!

A plague! A plague
on you, d*ck solomon!

Aaaaah!

Oh! Oh!

I am so sorry, dr. Albright.

I don't know what came over me.

I'm really a very docile person.

Oh, that's all right.

He brings that out in women.

Could I be transferred
to another office?

First thing in the morning.

I don't know why I put you
in here in the first place.

You wanna get a drink?

Oh, I can't go to bars.
I'm allergic to smoke.

I have a full bar in my desk.

Lead me.

It seems like it
should've worked.

A triangle is the strongest
shape in geometry,

But somehow, a love
triangle just collapses.

Yeah, but, see, that's
what I'm trying to tell you.

You just gotta be
honest, d*ck. Like don.

There aren't a lot of guys
who'd actually admit to...

Where are you guys going?

Us? We're goin' bo...

♪ Bo-bo bo-bo-bo ♪

♪ Bo-bo bo-bo-bo ♪

♪ Bo-bo bo... ♪

Ah, strike.

Nice one, don.

But they're still winning.

What are you talking about?

Ah, we keep knockin' 'em
down. They keep comin' back.

I'm gonna take out
their headquarters.

What?

I'm gonna disable the pin
setter with this 16-pound mama.