04x08 - Indecent d*ck

[bunniefuu]

Hey, caryn.

Oh, hey, sally, look,

You've got to come
to our protest.

What's going on?

Playpen magazine is
coming here next week

To look for students
to pose naked.

It's their "coeds of
the midwest" issue.

Oh, my god. They're coming here?

They're offering
$600 to pose naked.

I mean, how degrading is that?

I'm so sorry. Did you say $600?

Can you believe this?

I mean, they have some nerve
expecting that the women around here

Are just going to line
up to exploit themselves.

Yeah, I hate waiting in line.

Dr. Solomon, what are you doing?

Measuring my face.

Why?

I've been putting it off.

Oh, d*ck, I brought
you your lunch. Look!

Look. Playpen magazine is
coming to pendleton university

To look for women who will
pose naked, and I was thinking...

I am perfect for that.

You, sally?

My little sister
posing for a nudie rag.

Your exposed body pinned up
inside every school boy's locker

And mechanic's garage
across this entire country?

Good for you!

Sally!

I'm going to go now and sign up.

Good luck, baby!

Sign up for what?

To pose for playpen magazine.

Pretty nifty, huh?

Posing nude. You don't
have a problem with that?

Why should i?

Because it's so demeaning.

Why do you have so many hang-ups

About the human body?

Is it because of all
the hang-downs?

This is your sister
we're talking about.

So? She's just like
any other woman.

Women show their
bodies all the time.

Granted, there are
variations in the topography,

But essentially,
it's all the same map.

I just think there's
something to be said

For good old-fashioned modesty.

Wow, dr. Albright,
it only took you

20 Years to change your tune.

What's that supposed to mean?

That's when she posed naked.

Nina! Mary...

You posed naked?

Buh-bye.

Are you trying to tell
me that there are pictures

Somewhere out there
of my mary albright

Naked as a jaywalker?

They were very tasteful. Just
some black and white art photos.

Art photos!

A sepia-toned snapshot
of old faithful...

That's an art photo.

But you just said
posing nude was fine.

For my little sister,
not my girlfriend!

Art... Smut... Smut...

Art... Smut.

Wait a minute. That's smut?

Yeah.

But she's so much
nakeder than they are.

Yeah, but, you see, this is
michelangelo and this is...

Well, this is
michael and angelo.

I'm sorry. I just don't
see the difference.

I mean, you tell me that
this is meant for arousal,

And this is meant for
aesthetic appreciation.

But when I look at them,

Well, this woman
washing her sports car,

She does nothing for me.

But this woman with
the apple and the snake.

Well, that's just hot.

Tommy, do you
have a lab partner?

No.

Hers is out sick,
so she's with you.

Thanks.

Hi. I'm alissa.

Yeah, I know. Uh,
no, I mean I'm tommy.

That's my name. I'm tommy.

You know, I think we've been
in class together all year

And we've never met.

No, we have not never met.

I'm... I'm tommy.

Yeah, so, we're trying to get
these fruit flies to mate, huh?

Yeah.

Well, that's kind
of cold, isn't it?

I mean, they just met.

What?

Can you imagine meeting
somebody for the first time,

And then all of a sudden, there's
people trying to force you to mate?

That's a lot of
pressure. I couldn't do it.

Well, if my life span
was only for, like, a day,

I think I'd be ok with it.

Let's let them go.

Are you serious?

No, I mean, they only
have one day to live,

They should enjoy their lives.

Let them go.

All right. Ok. No,
I'll let them go.

I am letting them go.

Solomon, what are you doing?

Uh, I slipped.

Well, you get an "f."

Thank you so much.

I'm sorry. I was just kidding.

You were kidding?

I didn't know you'd
actually do it.

Yeah, well, I'm the kind of guy

That actually does things.

How was I supposed to know?

Go ahead and
laugh. I'm very upset.

No, you're not.

No, I'm not.

I like your laugh.

Oh, thank you.

Ok, sally, first thing.

If you want to pose, you got
to have all the right moves.

I got the right moves, baby.

You don't have
the moves, do you?

No.

All right.

Well, the first thing
you got to remember

Is the women in these magazines,

They always seemed
surprised to see their boobs.

Like they're seeing
them for the first time.

That is so sexy.

So try to remember how it felt

The first time you
saw your boobs.

You know, like right
after we landed on earth.

Aah!

That's good.

Now try it after you discovered
how much fun they were.

There you go!

Oh, now, you also
got to remember

To look sort of
sleepy and paranoid.

Sleepy and paranoid?

Yeah, yeah, 'cause the
women in these magazines,

They're always stretching,

Looking behind themselves
to see if somebody's watching.

Oh, I got this, baby, huh?

Ooh, but don't smile, ok?

Guys don't like it
when a woman smiles.

They like them pouty.

Or angry.

Angrier!

Hate me. Good!

Now, you're on a safari.

You're listening to the birds,

But you're sleepy.

Good!

You're looking
through binoculars,

But you're angry.

Nice!

You're being chased by a tiger,

And it's just
about to catch you.

All of a sudden,
you see your boobs!

Dr. Solomon, I wouldn't
normally ask this,

But are you going to teach?

I've got too much on my mind.

Like what?

Like women lewdly
exposing themselves

To prurient and
lascivious shutterbugs.

That's what.

Oh, well, I know how
you feel, dr. Solomon,

Which is why we're staging
a protest this friday.

Oh, shut up, caryn.

This has nothing to do with
your stupid little pep rally.

This is about someone
that I'm deeply involved with.

Dr. Albright?

How did you know?

Have you seen the pictures?

What, there are
pictures of dr. Albright?

There are no naked pictures!

Naked pictures of dr. Albright?

Cool.

I'd like to see those.

Oh, over my dead body!

Look at you. You're all
obsessed with nudity.

And it's dirty,
filthy, and vile!

It's not dirty, dr. Solomon.

We all come into
this world naked.

I didn't.

Hi, d*ck.

Harry, are you naked
or am I seeing things?

Why, actually,
it's a little of both.

No, you know, I was
just trying to figure out

If this whole clothing
thing is just a big scam.

And you know what?

I'm starting to
think that it is.

Hey, guys, what do you think

I should wear to
school tomorrow?

El nada!

Why? What's going on at school?

This girl alissa.

I've never felt this
way about a girl before.

She's so different.
You know what I mean?

I don't even know how
to explain it, but she's...

She's just absolutely amazing.

Am i... Am I nuts?

Tommy, tommy, tommy.

Oh, yes, I've ridden
on that bus, too.

What you're going through
is exactly what I felt

When I first met mary.

Mary? This is nothing like
how you felt about mary.

This is love. Do you understand?

Love. You don't
know what love is.

You will never
know what love is.

Tommy, when mary and i...

Can't I have anything of my own?

You want me to go kick his butt?

Stay where you are!

♪ He's a complicated man ♪

♪ And no one understands
him but his woman ♪

♪ Don shaft ♪

Oh, don, I'm so glad
you're still here.

Hey, sally, what's up?

You know playpen magazine?

No.

Sure, you do. You keep
them under the couch.

Oh, those? Those aren't mine.

Those came with the couch.

Oh, god, now you
think I'm a perv.

No, I don't. You like to
look at naked ladies.

It's perfectly normal.

Why, yes, it is.

That's why I couldn't
wait to tell you.

I am so excited.

I've decided to
pose for playpen.

Isn't that great?

You, sally, pose naked?!

What's the matter, don?

What's the matter?

Sally, I don't want you posing
naked for some magazine.

But you love these magazines.

I mean, you must. This
one's falling apart.

No!

That's different.

How? Well, they're
not you, that's how.

Listen, sally, I know what kind
of people read these things

And what they're
thinking when I do.

And I'm sorry, but you are
not posing and that's final!

Well, take a good long
look at these babies, don,

'Cause the next
time you see them,

They'll be in a magazine!

Aah!

What's the matter
with these women?

You give and give, and all
they want to do is pose naked.

Yeah.

And then they cover it up by
calling it art. What a bunch of hooey.

When those pictures come out,

My life is going
to be a living hell.

It makes my blood run cold.

My angel is a centerfold.

Some scum of the
earth dirt peddler

Is out there with pictures
of my mary albright,

And what can I do?

You can get those pictures back.

Will you help me?

Damn right I will.

Will you abuse your
police powers to do it?

I think that's a given.

You're a man among men, don.

A man among men.

More chips?

Yeah.

I'm just getting a cookie.

Maybe a chip.

♪ My angel is a centerfold ♪

♪ Na na na na na na ♪

Hey, I thought you
guys were coming over.

What?

Oh, right. I forgot
to invite you.

Well, hey, now that I'm here,

I was wondering if I could, um,

Discuss something with you.

You know, one pin-up to another.

Oh, well, I hardly
consider myself a pin-up.

Ha ha, well, duh, not anymore.

You see, listen...

Don and I got into
this real huge fight

And now he's forbidding
me to pose in the magazine.

Oh, that is so typical.

Men are so territorial.

Like they have a
deed to your body.

Exactly. I pose for a
few photos in an art class

20 Years before
I even knew d*ck,

And he is so bent out of shape.

You guys, it's just that
don is really, really upset.

Well, boo-hoo for don.

See, I just don't know
if I should pose or not.

Why, just because don
thinks he owns you?

He can't tell you what
to do with your body.

That's right. If we are ever going
to make any progress as women,

We've got to do
what we want to do

And not what our
boyfriends tell us to do.

So, I should pose?

If you want don to
respect you as a woman,

You have to.

Hey, tommy, you want a blt?

No, I'm not hungry.

Oh, what's wrong?

Oh! Ah! Ah! Ah! Aah!

It's this girl alissa, you know.

She didn't show
up to class today.

So?

So... So obviously she
thinks I'm such a loser

That she'd rather
transfer to another class

Than be my lab partner.

Maybe she's sick.

Sick?

Yeah, you know, the
flu's going around.

Sick. She's sick. That's great!

Harry, you're brilliant!

Oh, I know...

Oh, ah, ah, ah, aah!

Aah!

Ha ha, look at this smut.

Hi, can I help you?

All right, buddy,
where are they? d*ck!

What are you talking about, man?

Don't play dumb with
me, buster, the pictures.

Where are the pictures?

d*ck, sit down,
sit down, sit down!

I'll handle this.

He's a little upset.

It seems that you
took naked pictures

Of his girlfriend 20 years ago

And he wants them back.

20 Years ago?

Man, I've taken pictures
of thousands of people.

There's no way I'm
going to remember her.

The name's mary albright.

Oh, yeah, what a hottie!

Oh, I'll k*ll him!

Let him go! Let him go!

Let... Him... Go!

Tommy.

Hi.

What are you doing here?

Uh, well, I was just
in the neighborhood,

And I thought I'd
stop by and, you know,

See... See how you're feeling.

Oh, uh, well, I was
barfing a lot earlier

And now I'm not barfing as much.

Oh, I brought you some soup.

Uh, you know that they
say that it's good, um, food.

You brought me soup.

Yeah, yeah, to help
you feel better.

Do you always bring
soup to girls you like?

L-l-like? You? No,
no, I don't like you.

No, no, no, I mean
I don't hate you.

I mean I just met you,
but I don't like you,

You know, like you.

Then why'd you bring me soup?

Because... Because you're
my lab partner, that's why.

It's strictly, uh, strictly
lab-related gesture here.

Yeah, but to jump
to me liking you,

That's uh, that's very,
uh, you're jumping.

I mean, maybe you like me.

You know, maybe that's it.

In... In which
case, we can talk.

But... But ok, look,

I'm trying to preserve
a little dignity here.

You know, so why don't you
just give me back my soup?

Tommy, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have said
anything. Now I feel stupid.

Yeah, well, there you have it.

See ya! Yeah, ok.

Good-bye, naked mary.

You shall taunt me no more.

Oh, my god!

These are beautiful.

The light...

The lines...

The legs...

The loins.

What are you doing?

Mary, I was looking
at your pictures.

What pictures? Of you.

From where? In the buff.

No! Yes!

Where did you get those?

I roughed up the photographer.

You what?!

And I was going to destroy them.

Oh, you're a jealous
fool, d*ck solomon.

And then I saw them.

Look. No.

No, no, mary, look.

Boy, I was a hottie, wasn't i?

You sure were.

I wish I looked like that now.

Oh, mary, no.

I think that you've
aged like a fine wine.

And I've been off the
bottle for too long.

Oh, d*ck... Stop.

Come on, mary. Let's
take some pictures.

Oh, we can't.

Then let's just get naked.

d*ck!

Lock the doors!

Chunky chicken.

What?

The soup. Good call.

Oh, thank you. I'm
glad you liked it.

Excuse me for just a second.

Sally, aren't you supposed to be

Cavorting naked in front
of a camera right now?

Yeah, I'm supposed to be,
but they didn't want me.

Why?

I'm too old.

What? No.

He said that I was too old-looking
to be a college student.

I mean, really, d*ck, do I look
too old to be a college student?

You?

Well, if you think of
yourself as someone

Who's dropped out for a few
years to explore the world,

Then, yeah, yeah, you
do look a little old.

Oh, d*ck.

Oh, come here.

Oh, sally, sally, sally.

There's a ripeness that
comes with growing older.

Maybe it's what
they call maturity,

But it's what I call beauty.

And you, sally...

You grow more
beautiful every day.

You think so?

Well, look at you.

Your big, beautiful eyes...

Your long, silky hair...

The curve of your neck...

Your supple white skin...

Your sexy red lips.

I'm a little creeped
out right now.

So, don must have been relieved

That you're not
posing for playpen.

Yeah, well, he was at first,

Then he got ticked off
that they turned me down.

He got so angry,

He canceled his
lifetime subscription.

Whoa, really?

Yeah. He's going
year to year now.

Yeah, he's a great guy, don.

Yeah, so, hey, you
seen alissa naked yet?

Oh, no, no, no, sally,
it's not like that.

You see, what I
feel towards her,

It's on a much higher
plane, you know.

Based on her intelligence
and her charisma

And her inner beauty.

But, boy, I'd like to.

Now, do you see the use

Of shadow and light in this one?

Now, that is art.

Oh, yeah.

Did you see this one, leon?

No.

Oh, dr. Solomon,

You're a lucky man.

Thank you, bug.

Dr. Solomon, I just don't
think that this is at all...

Oh, shut up, caryn.

And this one she
just goes all out.

That's what I like about it.

d*ck, you wanted to see me?

Here she is, guys!