04x16 - Superstitious d*ck

[bunniefuu]

Here's your mail.

Oh. Thank you.

Oh, and, dr. Solomon,

The andrew k. And eileen b.
Fleischman foundation called.

They received your
grant application.

Oh, excellent!

d*ck, the andrew k. And eileen
b. Fleischman foundation grant

Is very prestigious.

Do you really think
you have a chance?

Oh, it's in the bag.

Once I dazzle them with
my scientific prowess,

They'll hand over that
$20,000 and then, pffft!

I'm off to disney world, baby!

That money is for
scientific research.

Oh, you're right.

I should probably hit
epcot while I'm down there.

"Dear friend, this
is a chain letter.

"You have 3 days to send copies
of this to 10 of your friends,

"But do not throw it away,

"Or bad luck will befall you.

Sincerely..."
Mary, what is this?

I got one, too.

Bunch of crap.
Just throw it out.

Whoa! You are crazy.

My aunt janelle threw
a chain letter out once.

The same day, she crushed
her hand in a juicer.

I don't understand.

What kind of power
could this letter have?

The power to waste your time.

Why risk it, dr. Solomon?

Just send it out.

Every culture has
its own superstition.

I have studied 'em all.

And the one thing they
all have in common...

They're all a little bit
cuckoo... Cuckoo... Cuckoo.

Mary: cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Well, nina, I hope that
your aunt now realizes

That the plastic plunger
included with the juicer

Is there for a reason.

[Crash]

Mary: ow!

Pull the plug! Pull the plug!

Oh, mary, are you all right?

I told you not to throw
that chain letter out!

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

It was just a
coincidence. Ow! Ooh!

Ah! Ohh! Unnhh!

Hey, guys. Well, I
finally figured out

Why dubcek gave me such a
deal on the garage apartment.

Look at all this junk I
found in my toilet t*nk.

Oh, no, no. I think that
junk's supposed to be in there.

It's like your toilet's brain.

Or heart.

Whoopsie.

Well, I guess we better go down

To elberfeld's hardware
store on main street.

Hey, you know, they give
out free peppermints.

Whoo!

Not anymore.

Ever since that new
hardware stop superstore

Opened out by the interstate,

They went out of business.

Old man elberfeld d*ed
a lonely, broken man.

[Gasps]

There's a new hardware
stop by the interstate?

Awesome!

Let's go!

Family meeting, family meeting!

Ok, can any of you come up
with a reasonable scenario

In which throwing
out a piece of mail

Would result in having your
ribs broken by a floor waxer?

Absolutely.

The guy who was waxing the floor

Thought you were
throwing out his paycheck.

No. The guy with the waxer
knew nothing about it.

Well, why were you
throwing out his paycheck?

No. There was no paycheck.

No paycheck?

Well, no wonder the waxer
dude went psycho on you.

No! No, no!

It's called a chain letter.

It's a random,
meaningless piece of mail,

But nina seems to think that
throwing it away can cause bad luck.

Oh, please. That's stupid.

There's like a
billion-to-one chance

That those 2 things
are at all related.

Thank you.

Yeah, just like there's
a billion-to-one chance

That aliens from
a distant galaxy

Would actually visit...
This crappy little planet.

That's true.

Ohh.

Hello, hello.

Donny boy!

I just came by to pick up
tommy for the hockey game.

Hockey game?

Yeah. Remember
those season tickets

For the rutherford ice hogs

That you begged me to order
back when we were dating?

No.

Well, they came.

Yep, 63 home games.

So I just figured I'd
treat tommy and his lady

To an evening of hockey.

Yeah. It gives me a
chance to show alissa

How varied my interests are.

'Cause every guy loves
a good hockey game.

Still trying to make up

For the museum
of miniatures, huh?

Desperately.

So, alissa, you know that
big car that sweeps the ice?

That's called the ice car.

Isn't that a zamboni?

Yes. Yes, but zamboni
translated from italian

Means car of the ice or ice car.

Soda! Who needs a soda?!

I'll be right back.

I don't know anything
about hockey.

I'm a pathetic excuse for a man.

Ahh, don't worry.

When the puck drops,

Sticks are gonna meet flesh,

Teeth are gonna fly, and
blood will stain the ice.

There will be so
much testosterone

Wafting up to these seats,

She'll definitely mistake
some of it for yours.

That's cool.

Thank you. Oh.

[Puck drops]

Pass it! Get a body on that guy!

Stenstrom! Stenstrom!

What's a stenstrom?

Uh, number 23.

Olf stenstrom.

161 Stitches, 8 missing
teeth, and 2 broken noses.

The pretty boy of hockey.

sh**t, you magnificent
bastard! sh**t it!

Is there anything I
can help you with, miss?

Yeah. I think I need
a new one of these.

Let me take a look.

Uh, you might need
a new flex post.

But your slide float's fine.

Oh, here's your problem.

Your center barrel is purging.

Whoa. You're like
a plumbing expert.

Well, I've been here a while.

I bet you could
fix anything, huh?

Pretty much.

Is that all you need?

Mm-hmm, yeah.

Ok.

No, uh...

Wha-wha-wha-what do you
know about, um, um, shelves?

Mounted brackets or built-ins?

Brackets.

Ok. Why don't you
and I take a little walk

Down to aisle 15, then
we'll hook past plumbing,

And you'll be all set.

Ok.

Hey, pal. Could I get
3 copies of this key?

You want me to
make keys for you?

3. I need 3 copies.

Ok.

[Engine humming]

It is not just for myself,
but for all scientists

That I accept the andrew k. And
eileen b. Fleischman foundation grant.

For I am but a humble
player... Ahem, ahem, ahem...

A humble player

In the amazing
drama that is science.

Hi, d*ck.

Mary, what happened to your arm?

Oh, it's nothing.

After they wrapped my ribs,

The nurse walked me to my car

And slammed my
shoulder into the door.

I guess accidents
will happen, huh?

Yeah.

She then took me
back to the hospital,

And they forced it
back into its socket,

Gave me a sh*t of cortisone.

Oh, well, I hope that
made it feel better.

Well, no. The cortisone
was mismarked.

It was minoxidil.

But they tell me the excess hair

Will fall out by beach weather.

Oh, don't tell me you still
have that chain letter.

Well, it just so happens

That I wrote a very
important phone number on it.

I don't see any number.

Well, I wrote it very small.

Are we still on for
the game tonight?

Sure, if you're up to it.

Oh, I'm fine.

Excuse me. How do
you tell the difference

Between a 1/2 inch
dowel and a 3/8 dowel?

You know, I've been
getting this a lot lately.

There's a standard
rule of thumb.

Ok, now, the 3/8 dowel
fits perfectly in my ear.

Whereas the 1/2
inch dowel does not.

Ok, thanks.

All right.

All right, everybody,
clear your desks.

All you will need
is your examination

And a number 2 pencil.

You will have
exactly one hour...

Leon, clear your desk.

Dr. Solomon, that's
my lucky rabbit's foot.

See, I really wanna
do well on this test.

And a severed foot of
a lagomorphic mammal

Increases your chances
of getting a good grade?

That's what I'm hoping for, yes.

What about studying?
That works for most people.

Not me. That's why I got this.

Just put it away.

Well, what about bug?

He gets to wear his lucky
pendleton sweatshirt.

I'm not wearing this
for the test, jerk.

Pendleton has got a
basketball game today,

And the team always
wins when I wear this.

Dr. Solomon, what
about our exam...

Oh, shut up, caryn.

Now, bug, about your shirt...

Does it work just
for home games?

How many miles before
it loses its power?

It's not like that. Ok,
you're gonna jinx it now.

You're gonna jinx it.

Stenstrom! Stenstrom!

Did ya see that?

Now that is forechecking.

Mm-hmm. And I'm guessing
that nobody forechecks

Quite like stenstrom.

Yeah, nobody.

Sorry we're late.

My carburetor caught on fire.

It was a tad strange.

The car was turned
off at the time.

Wow, mary. Looks like you've
had a string of bad luck.

She did throw
out a chain letter.

Ooh, that's bad news.

Elbowing! That's elbowing!

Put him in the
box, you blind idiot!

Would someone tell that
annoying girl to keep it down?

She's tommy's new girlfriend.

She's cute.

sh**t it! sh**t it!

Mary, look out!

Ohh!

I caught a puck!

I caught a puck!

That is so lucky. And I
thought you had bad luck.

Oh, ho!

You see, silly?

Oh, and I was so worried
about this stupid letter.

Look at this, mary.
I'm tearing it up.

So much for this one.

Good riddance.

I mean, what are the chances

Of mary albright
catching a hockey puck?

[Thud]

Oh, no. It's the curse
of the chain letter.

This is the worst thing
that's ever happened to me.

I'm doomed!

Hey, justin.

Justin, look what's broken.

Oh, how did that happen?

I do not know.

It must've just disconnected
itself or something.

Looks like your gas line's

Been cut with a hacksaw.

Weird.

You can fix it,
though, right, justin?

Got to open it up,
look at the cores.

Think you may need to
rethread the t-valve?

Could be.

I just hope I don't have to
recalibrate the flow bushings.

Yeah, well, there's a lot of
silt collecting in the drip pan.

Ooh. What are your btus?

500.

I'll be right back.

I'll be waiting.

You know that song macho man?

Mm-hmm.

He's who they're singing about.

So I guess rugged good
looks and broad shoulders

Really do it for you women.

Oh, please. Lots
of guys have that.

But justin... Justin
can fix things.

He can build things.

He's got a belt full of tools.

A tool belt, if you will.

How am I supposed to
compete with guys like that?

Look at me. My
arms are stick-thin,

I shave, like, once a month,

My ass is flat.

Sweetie, listen to me.

Don't be so hard
on yourself, ok?

I mean, I'm sure there
are a lot of girls

Who are more than willing to
settle for a tiny, little wussy like you.

That helped very little.

This is a disaster.
What am I gonna do?

I can feel the andrew k. And eileen
b. Fleischman foundation grant

Slipping away!

I told you to send
out that chain letter.

Nina, some of my students
have lucky charms.

Do those work?

Ooh, it couldn't hurt.

Try to remember an item you had

When something really
great happened to you.

Like the day I met mary?

Yes, what did you have in your
pocket the day you met her?

Lint. Lint!

My lucky lint!

Your lucky lint?

Oh, damn!

I let harry play
with it, and he lost it.

Oh, listen to you two.

Haven't you ever heard
of the machacan tribe?

Well, of course, but
tell us for nina's sake.

Machacan men believed

That by wearing this
sheath over their...

That by wearing this sheath,

They would ward
off all misfortune.

Great. Can I wear it?

It didn't work, d*ck.

They were wiped
out by a volcano.

Everything we know about them

We have learned from
their perfectly preserved...

From this sheath.

Are there any volcanoes in ohio?

No.

Great. Then I'll wear it.

Give that to me.

Oh, fine.

Smells like hell, anyway.

Look at her.

She's in love with stenstrom.

Aw, she's just
getting into the game.

I love you, stenstrom!

She's about a goal away
from taking her shirt off.

Oh, don't sweat it, tommy.

It's just a harmless crush.

Kinda like the one I used
to have on joe namath.

It's not something I'm proud of.

But it's not a
harmless crush, don.

She's crazy about him.

He's just more
of a man than I am.

Guys like us are always gonna
lose out to guys like that.

At least I can give
'em speeding tickets.

Yeah, but what can I do?

That's something you're gonna have
to figure out for yourself, tommy.

That's part of what
becoming a man is all about.

You're just saying that 'cause
you don't know how to help me.

I'm dry.

Hello, hello, hello.

What are you doing?

Nothing. I'm in a
run of bad luck,

And I'm not setting
foot outside this house

Without a lucky charm.

Yeah. Oh, really?

It's impossible to find
rabbit's feet in this town.

Oh, sure, you can
get a whole rabbit,

But don't tell the pet store
what you're gonna do with it.

Well, this came for you.

The mailman accidentally
left it in my bedroom.

It's from the andrew k. And
eileen b. Fleischman foundation.

I've been chosen as a finalist

For the andrew k. And eileen
b. Fleischman foundation grant!

This must be your lucky day.

And you! What?

You're my lucky charm!

Oh, mrs. Dubcek.

There you go.

And thank you for shopping
at the hardware stop,

Your one-stop spot
to stop to shop spot.

Hi. Can I help you?

I'm looking for justin.

He's not with another
customer, is he?

Nope. Today's his day
off. Maybe I can help you?

No. Heh. No, no, no.

Justin and I were gonna talk
about customizing cabinets.

My specialty. I was a
carpenter for 10 years.

You were?

Bonded and licensed.

Bonded.

No. No, I can't. It
wouldn't be right.

I'll just wait for justin, ok?

Ok.

I mean, it's not
like I don't want to.

It's just I just don't know
where it'll go, you know?

That's fine.

Oh, screw justin. Let's do it.

Uh, excuse me. Where's the
lawn-and-garden department.

You know what? I have no idea.

Let's go find out, huh?

Wait a second.
Don't you work here?

No. Why would you think that?

You got the orange shirt. I...

Hmm. What's going
on with that guy?

Take 5.

You're fired.

Hey. Hey, stenstrom.

Hmm?

Ok, look, I gotta talk to you.

I'm beggin' you, man.

Everybody knows that
you're big and you're strong

And so you could have
any woman in this place,

But I'm just asking
you, man to man,

Could you leave
me my girlfriend?

Just that one. That's
all I ask. Just that one.

[Swedish accent]
ice hogs number one.

No. She really means
a lot to me, man.

Stay in school. Say no to drug.

Ok, I'm just gonna
take a wild guess,

Say you don't speak
a word of english.

Say no to drug.

Tommy, what are you doing?

Ok, this is the last time
I'm gonna tell you here.

Stay away from my girl.

'Cause otherwise, you're
gonna have to answer to me.

You don't want a
piece of this. Capice?

Ok.

What was that all about?

He was talking trash about you.

I didn't wanna get
violent, but if I needed to,

I would've forechecked
his butt into the zamboni.

Ow! Such an idiot.

Ok, let's ease up there.

Next.

Dr. Solomon. Welcome.

Thank you for having me.

Please come in.

Uh, yes, uh...

Yes, of course.

Are you ok?

I'm fine.

We've read your paper,

And we're quite excited
to hear your presentation.

Uh, thank you.

And I'm sure that a
generous grant from, uh...

[Clears throat]

Ok, I'm coming.

Who is this?

This is my esteemed colleague

Dr. Mamie dubcek.

Lucky, lucky, lucky,
lucky, lucky, lucky...

Dr. Solomon.

Just one moment.

Franks, beans, collard greens.

Yes?

On page 13 of your proposal,

You suggest the
behavior of super...

I'm sorry. I can't answer
any questions on that.

You can't?

I can't answer any
questions regarding page 13

Or what I like to refer
to as "the devil's page."

So, uh, if you are
all open to said page,

I will just collect them

And rid the room of
their demonic mojo.

Andrew k. And eileen b.
Fleischman foundation grant.

Andrew k. And eileen b.
Fleischman foundation grant.

Dr. Solomon...

Yes?

Do you really
think this is any way

To impress a panel
of scientists?

All signs point to yes.

Ahh, well, I didn't
get the grant.

Mmm. They didn't
like your ideas?

I never got to them.

I was too busy yanking
on dubcek's ears.

It's so weird.

Humans make up all
these superstitions

To try to control random events,

But before they know it,

The superstitions
are controlling them.

And to think I fell for it.

Yeah. Well, I feel
pretty stupid, too.

I thought alissa was
in love with stenstrom

Just 'cause he's big and
rugged and likes to fight.

Ooh, he sounds good.

Hey, you guys.

I'm going down to the
mall to buy some sneakers.

Well, the mystery is solved.

It wasn't bad luck.

I have an inner-ear infection
that threw off my balance.

Oh, that's good to know.

The car place called.

Your car will be ready tomorrow.

Oh. What happened to your car?

Some kid hit the
windshield with a rock.

It was a meteorite.

They don't know that!

Nasa's still studying it.

Bad mojo. Bad mojo.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.