04x20 - Alien Hunter

[bunniefuu]

Hi, guys.

Hi, don. Hey, don. Oh, hey, don.

Yeah, I just, you know, happened
to be in the neighborhood, and, uh,

Here you go, d*ck.

Happy birthday!

It's your birthday? For me?

Well, tomorrow.
It's may 5, right?

If that's what I
said, that's what it is.

May 5.

What year?

Every year.

Well, I would have
dropped by tomorrow,

But rumor has it

That the, uh, fbi

Has agents in town
looking for somebody.

Yeah, they might
need old donnie's help.

Who are they looking for?

That's classified information.

You have no idea, do you?

That's also classified.

Well, I gotta go.
See you, sally.

Tommy, d*ck, harry.

You know, i... I just noticed
that you're tom, d*ck, and harry.

So?

So tom, d*ck, and harry.

You know, like "every
tom, d*ck, and harry."

Well... That doesn't mean

That it's a calculated attempt
on our part to seem average.

Yeah. I mean, we just
picked names at random

When we got here.

I mean when we landed.

Bye, don.

Bye.

Well, that was close.

Wait a minute. Weren't you
listening to what don just said?

About our names
being suspicious?

No, not that.

About the fbi being in town?

No, no!

About it being my birthday.

d*ck, it's your fake birthday.

And you're my fake family,
and none of you remembered.

Wait a minute.

You're giving me
a surprise party.

No, we're not.

[Sing-song] yes, you are.

No, we're not.

Yes, you are.

You are throwing me a surprise
birthday party tomorrow night.

That's an order.

Wait. Tomorrow?!

Yes! At 7 p.m. Sharp.

Oh! Oh!

I'm gonna be so surprised.

I, uh, have your
exams, everyone.

But you didn't grade these.

Oh, man, he's not even
grading them anymore.

Well, is there anyone here

Who thinks they
might have passed?

Yeah. All right, then,

The important thing is
that stapled to each exam

Is an invitation to
my birthday party.

You're inviting
us to your party?

I didn't even
think you liked us.

Oh, bug.

I don't. I like presents.

Keep in mind, I will be aware

Of any no-shows.

You know, dr. Solomon,

This could be
interpreted as blackmail.

Uh, no, caryn.

It's extortion.

He's a professor. He can't
control our social lives.

So will you be there, pitman?

Are you kidding?
I wouldn't miss it.

[Audience applauds and cheers]

Eh... Eh... Have you
been here all semester?

Oh, no. I'm mrs. Everly,

And this is my son ned.

We're auditing your class.

I wasn't informed.

Oh, my goodness, you're smart.

Oh.

Oh, my goodness,
you're perceptive.

Everyone told us
what a genius you are,

And, boy, were they right.

You're very unusual.

Mama likes the unusual.

Oh, now, ned, let's
not bore the great man.

Well, I hope to see you again.

You can count on it.

[Bell rings]

Ok, people, your assignment is

To discuss what gifts
you will be buying for me.

And... And, seriously,

Try to top each other,

Can you?

Hi. Is dr. Solomon in?

Why, yes, I am.

Dr. d*ck solomon.

Oh, that dr. Solomon.

He's not your type.

I'm from the pendleton fax
line maintenance department.

Don't you mean
you're a phone guy?

He knows what he is.

The fax machine would
be here in my office.

Where I am.

Thanks.

How do I look?

Lose the sweater.

This is for you.

It's an invitation to my
surprise birthday party.

If you're handing
out invitations,

How can it be a surprise?

Mary, it won't be

If you keep waving
the invitation around.

Now, put that someplace
where I won't see it.

Nina!

Oh, uh, nina, this is for you.

You must be dr. Solomon.

Yes. Would you like to
come to my surprise party?

Don't you have
somewhere you have to be?

No.

Mama!

I found his door.

Good.

That must be his desk.

Ned, get mama a chair.

Ok, mama.

May I help you?

No, you can't.

Ned, honey, go back
to the motel and wait.

I'm going to the motel now.

That's nice.

I'm going! I'm going!

Well, mrs. Everly, hello.

Oh, please call me charlotte.

All right. Charlotte.

Dr. Solomon, I
have a confession.

I'm not some housewife
auditing a class.

You're not?

No. I'm a reporter

From the cleveland plain dealer,

And I want to do a story on you.

On me?

Yes, you see, every year
a do a piece on greatness.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Sorry.

I've done all sorts
of research on you,

And frankly, I'm impressed.
Will you grant me an interview?

All right. But I must ask
you to limit your discussion

To my greatness.

Uh, nina.

What?!

I'm going to lunch now.

Then go.

Come along, charlotte.

As to greatness, I find
that some are born great,

Some achieve greatness,

And some thrust their
greatness upon others.

Ok, so we got 10 of those.

Just bring the chairs back
when your party's over.

What? These are not chairs.

They're folding chairs.

Aah!

Uh, I got a folding
table if you need it.

A folding table!

Get outta town!

Well, you could always
use it for the bar.

Bar? Why do we need a bar?

Well, it's a party, you know.
You gotta serve drinks,

Liquor, whatnot.

Ok. Booze. How much do we get?

I always figure 3/4
of an ounce of liquor

Per 20 pounds of guest.

Now, for a 200-pound
man, you're gonna need

About a half a quart of vodka.

Great. Now I gotta
call everybody

To ask them how much they weigh.

Put me down at 300 pounds.

Well, i...

I'm big-boned.

Believe me when I say

I know a lot.

Some of it I don't dare teach.

It's a terrible dilemma.

My students are slow,

And I am incredibly smart.

Shouldn't you be writing
this down? It's really good.

I have a confession to make.

I'm not a reporter.

You're not?

Oh, please forgive me.

I'm just one of those people

Who craves being around
personal excellence.

I guess you could say I'm
the intellectual equivalent

Of a rock 'n' roll groupie.

Ohh... Well,

That's ok.

I've always thought of myself

As the intellectual
equivalent of rod stewart.

So have i. Ever since
I read your essay

In the university paper.

My open letter to former
transportation secretary frederico peña

About the benefits
of time travel?

That's the one. And I thought,

How did this brilliant mind
suddenly appear out of nowhere

In the middle of ohio?

That's when I knew I
had to come and find you.

You know something, charlotte?

I'm having a surprise birthday
party tomorrow night.

Why don't you come? And...
And buy me something nice.

Well, what do I get for the
man who knows everything?

Cashmere underpants.

You see, what I would do
is cut up some vegetables

And then hollow out a pretty
red cabbage and put your dip in it.

It's genius!

Oh, charlotte, thank
god you stopped by.

Where did d*ck find you?

Hey. What's ned doing?

Heh heh.

He probably just
smells peanut butter.

Yeah, yeah. I'm the same way.

Charlotte. What
are you doing here?

Only saving our butts.

Yeah. Mrs. Dubcek, she
was our party expert,

But she's gone and
disappeared on us.

But god sent us down this angel.

Oh, hush, now.

I'm just doing my part to
celebrate a great man's birthday.

Just when I think you're
too good to be true, you are.

Mama.

They don't have a sofa.

Well, anyway, she knows
everything about organizing a party.

Oh, yeah. Tell him about that
soup mix with the sour cream.

Oh, now, it's on the
back of the packet.

They put your recipe on
the back of the packet?

She's been published!

I can't believe you're all

Putting my number-one
fan to work.

Oh... Pish tosh.

I have a confession.

Before I came here, I was social
director for carnival cruise lines,

And... If only I had a list so I'd
know how many people were coming.

We have such a list.

A guest list.

Harry, go get it! It's
in the other room!

You know, I don't
get to say this

To a lot of people, but...

I'm smarter than you.

Hello, bug?

Yes, uh, I'm calling to tell you

That dr. Solomon's
party has been canceled.

He has a terrible case of diarrhea
and he wants everyone to know.

Yes. Bye-bye.

Have you got everything?

Yes, mama.

Good boy.

[Thumping]

Hey, you!

Charlotte: titty
titty bang bang.

One more noise out of you

And ned here will pop
your neck like a pencil.

I got my eye on you.

Ooh.

I got you something.

Happy birthday.

Don't you want to
give that to me later,

Should some sort
of... Party arise?

I got a message the
party was canceled.

Right.

Very good.

I got that message, too.

Mm. So I guess I won't
be seeing either of you

Around, uh, 7:00-ish?

That's right.

Good. Good.

Oh, oh, and by the way,

Don't forget to park
where I can't see your car.

Not a problem.

Yep. I'll never see it coming.

Well, well, here I am.

Home at last.

Hello!

Anybody ho-o-ome?!

I guess I'm here

All alo-one!

[Drill buzzes]

Mama.

He's comin' around.

Uh... Uh, charlotte,

Uh, wh-wh-what are you doing?

Well, first we're gonna
cut your head open.

What? Why?!

Oh, I don't know.

Could it possibly be because

You're an alien?!

Alien?

[High-pitched nervous
laugh] ha ha ha ha!

That's funny.

You're a very funny
woman. Ha ha ha...

You think I'm stupid?

I've been watching you
for over a year now,

And all signs point to alien.

W-well, don't some signs

Point to eccentric or
dutch or something?

There are powerful electromagnetic
signals coming from this house.

Oh, we've been microwaving
with the door open.

There's a transmitter
here somewhere.

And we can't find it.

I have a theory it's installed

Inside of you.

[Drill buzzes]

Help! Help! Help! Help! He...

Don: hello?

Hello! Is anybody home?

Damn! Go see who that is.

Hi.

Who are you?

Uh...

Mama, there's a
policeman out here.

Hello, officer.

Hi. Uh, you two
here for the party?

Oh, didn't you get a call?

No. When's it start?

You know, I'm on duty.

I'm only gonna have time
for, like 2 or 3 drinks.

Where is everybody?

Well, it's a surprise party,

So everybody's hiding
down in the basement.

Oh. Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha.

You're who again?

Oh.

Catering.

[Snaps rubber glove]

Ah! Ha ha ha...

Come on, let's go!

Oh, ok.

After you.

No, after you.

Yaaahh!

Wow. I haven't been
drugged and tied up like this

Since valentine's day.

Ohh!

It's don! He's captured them

And come to rescue us.

Oh...

Why does he have to be so tired?

Tommy: all right, that is it!

What is going on here?

Like you don't know.

I just wish I knew

Which one of you
has the transmitter.

That's the head I
really want to cut open.

♪ La la la... ♪

[Telephone rings]

I'll get it.

Mary albright's office.

Mmmph! Mmphmmphh!

Oh, yeah.

Oh, baby. Mmmphhgghh!

Mmphhhgh! I'm hot now.

Do me. Mmmphh!

Mmmphhh! Do me all night.

Aahmmphhh!

I know it's you, d*ck.

[Muffled] damn!

That was d*ck?

Yes, with his typical sick,
pathetic cry for attention.

Oh, god, it is his birthday,

And his party was canceled.

I think I'm just gonna bring
his present on over there.

I'll go with you.

I want to see the
look on his face

When I tell him I
didn't get him anything.

Dialing the phone
with your nose.

A classic alien maneuver.

Once I'm done with you,
everyone will know the truth.

Go on, admit it. You're aliens!

No!

Oh, well, maybe I'm
just wasting my time

With you, then.

Maybe I'll just go down
there to the basement

And cr*ck open that
big blonde's head.

Uh... No! No! No! Wait!

All right, I admit
it. I'm an alien.

I knew it.

But I'm the only one.

The other three are
innocent bystanders.

Do what you will with me!

Which I hope is a
severe scolding.

But spare them!

I don't think so.

Why are you doing this?

We come in peace!
We mean you no harm.

No harm?

I'm well aware of
what your kind does.

Harvesting eggs
for your sl*ve race,

Sucking the life
from the innocent,

Probing the butt of the
poor american farmer!

We never do any of that.

Well, there was this
one farmer near akron.

You know...

But he was asking for it!

I've heard enough! Cork him!

No! No! Please! Let me... Aah...

Dr. Solomon?

Dr. Solomon?

Excuse me.

What are you doing here?

I called you and told
you there was no party.

Yeah, I know.

But sometimes dr. Solomon

Will do things to trick me,

And then he yells at me.

Uh, you know,

All the other guests
are hiding in the basement,

So come on, let's go.

I knew there was a party. Oh.

Oh, no, no. After you.

Mary: hello!

I thought we were
going downstairs.

Not just yet.

Oh, I left my gift in the car.

I'll be right back.

Shouldn't we be
getting to the basement?

Uh... Before we go down,

How about a nice glass of wine?

Yeah. All right.

Honey, get that special
bottle out of my bag.

Come on, everybody,
into the kitchen.

Let's move it! Grab your glass!

I don't have all day.

I think you'll like this.

It's a very good year.

I'm afraid I don't
like red wine.

I love it.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Pour hers first.

Don't we need a toast?

All right.

Here's a toast to
happy birthdays.

Happy birthdays!
Happy birthdays!

Hmm.

What's that aftertaste?

Mary: hello! I'm back!

Oh, crap!

Did everyone go downstairs?

Oh, they went down, all right.

Shut up, honey.

Where's the birthday boy?

Oh, he's late.

Of course.

How about a glass of
wine while you're waiting?

It's so nice of you to
help out, charlotte.

Mm.

d*ck's late.

That's typical.

He plans his own surprise party,

And then it's called off,

And then it's back on.

I guess we don't know
whether it's on or off!

Mmm. This is
screw-top. This is good.

If d*ck's not here in
15 minutes, I am leaving.

When a man doesn't have
the common courtesy to...

Ooh!

It's official.

This is the worst
party I've ever been to.

Sally!

Stand with me if you can.

Uhh! Uhh!

I have a... A jackknife
in my pocket.

If you can reach it, we can
cut through these ropes.

All right.

Harry, lean to your left.

Ok.

Sally, turn right. Turn right.

All right. And it's...

Can you feel it? It's
right where your hand is.

I can't reach it.

Keep trying. You're
almost there.

All right. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh. Oh.

Ok, careful,
sally, that's not...

Uh...

Oh...

Ohh...

Ooh, boy.

I got it.

Well, don't just stand
there. Cut us out.

You know,

I've never been in a
hostage situation before,

But I think you should
be ashamed of yourself.

[Buzzing]

Oh, my god, d*ck!

Oh, god! Oh, my god!

Stand back or the
spaceman gets it!

Freeze, everybody! Oh, my god!

Fbi! Freeze!

Ned: mama.

Put those two in cuffs.

Somebody untie that man.

Charlotte: no! Don't
you understand?

He's one of them!

Let me open him up.
You'll see he's an alien.

Yeah, right, charlotte. So
were the other 8 you cut up.

Ok, fine. But this one is.

He admitted it.

I know where you live.

You can't hide!

Aliens!

Aliens!

Aliens, huh?

[All laughing]

Yeah.

That's the dumbest
thing I ever heard!

You know, I couldn't help
but notice you federal boys

Left a crucial piece of
evidence at the crime scene.

The gnome.

The gnome?

Yeah. The blunt instrument.

And local boy donnie
picked it up for you.

Yep. Just covering your ass.

Shall we steal the car, mama?

No, honey.