06x04 - d*ck'll Take Manhattan: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

Blecch! I am so bored!

Me, too.

Well, what do we do

when we're feeling bored?

Whine?

Squirm?

No. We take out the
Solomon family.

Rainy day fun book.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! I
forgot we had that!

Come on. Let's have
a look, shall we?

We can come up with an idea
for something fun to do.

Now, let's see.

We've done video
arcades, airport bar,

shetland pony rides...

tiny horses.

That was so cool!

It's fun to read this book.

Reading this book in this book?

Yes, But stop interrupting.

Well, now, here's 2 things
we haven't experienced:

Visit a parallel universe
Or rent go-karts.

Visit a parallel universe?

How is that possible?

Simple.

We just use the time-space
portal in the closet.

Ok. Here's my concern.

Do they get angry

if you drive the
go-karts off the track?

Wait. So you mean to tell me

that we are living another
existence in another place?

Actually, Sally, everyone exists

in every possible place
at every possible time.

Wait a second. That means
that somewhere right now,

I'm driving go-karts.

Let's go!

Well, what about Tommy?

Leave him a note.

Oh! Oh! Am I ok to go
dressed like this?

You're fine. Anyway,

I'm sure they have a gap there.

Sally!

- Ok! I'm so excited!
- Come on!

Here we go!

Who am I kidding?

There's no portal to
another dimension

in the closet.

Oh. Oh.

It's in the shower.

Yes! Ooh, I want to
go to wisconsin!

Harry: I wish I was
anywhere in Western europe!

Come on, let's go!

This is fantastic!

d*ck, you look great!

Oh, so do you!

Oh!

And look at Harry!

Oh, my god! We've got towels!

Oh! Wait! Look! There's more!

Look at this place!

We must be doing incredibly
well in this parallel universe!

It is so open and airy!

Yeah. We should get some cattle.

d*ck: Hey, guys!

Guys, look at this!

There's a New York taxi
and a New York bus!

I can see the empire
state building!

Oh, yeah, and look
at the sidewalks,

jammed with people of every
conceivable ethnic background!

Hot damn, we're in vegas!

Harry: New York city,
my kind of town.

It's the city by the bay.

Gateway to the west.

The aloha state.

Motown!

Answering MACHINE: Hello,

you've reached the
Solomon residence.

This is d*ck Solomon,
attorney at law.

Please leave a message
after the beep.

Woman: d*ck, you're due in
court in an hour. Good luck.

Did you hear that? I have
an answering machine,

and I'm a lawyer!

Of course, we have
whole new Lives here!

Yeah, and we've got
to play along.

I've got to go to court!

Ooh, I gotta go shopping!

Mmm, I'm gonna get a pretzel.

Look! Here are your coats!

Ooh! Cool!

I can't wait to see the
look on Mary's face

when she finds out
that I'm a lawyer!

Hold on a second.
Albright's here?

Oh, I'm sure she is.

A love like ours transcends
all dimensional limitations,

and maybe you'll meet some
people you know, too.

Oh, really?

Oh, yeah. In fact, f.Y.I.,

they may have made different
life choices in this universe.

Mmm. Yeah, I see
what he's saying.

You see, in this world,

Officer don could be an
old vietnamese woman.

No. Harry, they'll
have the same bodies.

d*ck's just saying They'll
probably all be gay.

Oh, no, no, no.
General, allow me!

You served your country bravely.

It's the least I can do.
Go on, git!

I've got to Figure out
where the courthouse is.

Uh, excuse me.

Uh, sir, could you give
me some directions?

You must be from out of town.

Uh, no, no, no. I
breathe New York.

I know this island like
the back of my hand.

Then why do you need directions?

I meant, do you need directions?

I am so sick of people
coming in from out of town

and not knowing how to
get to the courthouse!

Are you sure you're
from this planet?

Taxi!

Sally!

Sally! Harry! Heads up, guys!

New yorkers can be curt.

Um, ok. You guys?

Doesn't that guy
by the newsstand

look a lot like Tommy?

Guys!

Tommy! Tommy! Tommy!

Hey!

Oh, my god!

What's going on?

It's him! Oh ho ho!
There you are!

So, you got our note?

Note? No. I just come to
this parallel dimension

all the time. Mostly midweek.

You know, the theater
prices are cheaper,

and you miss the bridge
and tunnel crowds.

Oh. Is this thing hard to do?

I fell right into it.

I got myself a really
nice gig in midtown.

Oh, listen, Tommy.
I'm due in court,

and I don't know how to
get to the courthouse.

Oh, I gotta go to work, too.

You can share my cab
and, if you got time,

I'll show you where
the peep shows moved

after they cleaned
up times square.

Tommy, I am an attorney!

But, yeah. All right.

It's this way.

Whoa! Check it out, Sally!

You write a column
for the newspaper!

Oh, my god!

And I'm hotter here,
if that's possible!

Look! "The 2-hour orgasm."

I wrote that!

Nice.

I gotta get crackin' on
tomorrow's column, baby.

Yeah. Wait, Wait,
Wait, wait, wait!

What about me?

I mean, what am I
supposed to do?

Just watch tv like
I do back home?

I always get left out!

Mr. Solomon, Scott's
back from the hamptons,

and he wants to talk.
It's urgent.

Outstanding.

What do I do?

Just, uh, play the game.

What? I don't know how!

Hey, Sally,

how do I know if this guy
that I met at power yoga

is the marrying type?

Uh, the sex'll be good?

Oh, that's awesome! Thanks!

Come on, Mr. Solomon.
It's time to go.

Oh, yes! I suppose it is.

Oh, just get in the car!

Hey, man!

Hey, can you get this for me?
Thanks.

Kenny! Hey, can I get a bagel?
Thanks.

Toby!

Hey, can we go easy on
the wigs this week?

It's dryin' out the scalp.

Hey, thanks... Tara!

Tara, whoo.

Tracy, what's up, man?

Hey, can we talk for a second?

Yeah.

Hey, Listen, Uh, Tommy, man,

I don't need to study these lines, man.
You know what I'm saying?

That works for you, right?

But, uh, me, all I gotta do

is cultivate that little "Oops!
I messed up!" Giggle...

then America's gonna be
lovin' me, too, so what's up?

Look, I know it's been a little
weird between us recently,

what with me getting
all the attention

and you sort of shoved
into the Background.

Yeah. It does seem a
little unfair, you know,

'cause I've been here since
'97, you know what I'm saying?

And you've been here,
what, a month?

But it doesn't matter what
they think out there.

What matters is that
saturday night live

is an ensemble piece.

You understand?

Yeah. You know, I always
felt that way, you know?

I guess I'm a big sucker, huh?

No! No! It is still
an ensemble piece.

We're all equal,

and we are gonna
maintain that tradition.

Are you with me there?

Yeah.

Good. Tommy, I'm with ya.

All right. Good.
Then let's rehearse.

Put on the hamburger head.

Yeah.

Oh, that's good.

That's really funny, man.

Here. This way.

Hello!

I-I-is this where
I'm supposed to be?

It's about time, counselor.

Nina!

You will address me with
the proper respect.

I am the honorable
judge Campbell.

You go, girlfriend!

Counselor, kindly proceed
with your summation.

Eh, with my what?

Oh, uh, right!

With My, uh, summation.

We sit here in
this court of law.

We, with our fragile sense
of right and wrong.

It's so easy to play
judge and jury,

especially when you are
a judge and a jury.

Get on with it, counselor.

Uh, by all means, your honor.

Now, I could poke holes

in the prosecution's argument,

but I won't. That's cheap.

Now, I'm not here to ask
you for an acquittal,

and I'm not here

to ask you to listen
to your conscience.

No. I'm only here to
demand that you recognize

that I am the most
brilliant trial lawyer

that you have ever
seen, and I thank you.

He's done it again!

Counselor!

Your honor, may I
approach the bench?

Do you happen to know
a Mary Albright?

Is this another witness
you're planning on calling?

Could be. Are you
buddies with her?

Get out!

I'm sorry, I've never been in
an elevator that fast before.

"Harry Solomon,
network president."

Is this True?

Yes, it is.

Then, what the hell are you
people doing in My office?!

Harry, we need some Creative
counterprogramming fast.

ABC"s got a major hit with who
wants to be a turkish prisoner?

Well, that might
be good for abc,

but that's not who we are.

We're about quality, all right.

I want this network to be about
families and v*olence...

and as much sex as we
can get away with.

All right, let's get busy.

I didn't waste all those hours
watching tv for nothing.

Uh, you mind if I move
a few of these around?

You're gonna change
the schedule?

Oh, no, no, not change...

save.

All right.

Hey, you know what
I'd like to see,

a whole night of Will &
Grace, Wouldn't you?

BRILLIANT!

Hey, Better yet, Why don't we

make one night Will,
one night Grace?

So I've come to the conclusion

that New York is the
sexiest city in the world.

From sexy bronx
to sexy brooklyn.

The city that never sleeps,

unless it rolls over
and passes out...

after Sex.

Ooh, d*ck, I just wrote
something so great.

Don?!

You're here. I can't believe it.

Yeah, finally. Crosstown
traffic was a bitch.

Jeffrey?

Yeah, it's me. Close 5th
Avenue and the bridge.

Oh, and, uh, tell puff daddy

I'm gonna be late for lunch.

Don, you're so different.

How do you mean?

Oh, nothing. I'm just
a little overwhelmed.

I mean, I thought you
were hot in a uniform,

but this is way better.

When I was in uniform?!

I've never worn a
uniform in my life.

Oh, no, I know that.

I just meant like, you know...

your tie and suit.
Although you wore the...

You don't wear the
same thing every...

Sally...

are you going nuts on me?

'Cause I want a girlfriend,

I don't want a nut.

I want a nut, I go
to the nut store.

Jeffrey?

Is everything ok, mayor Orville?

I'm leaving.

Mayor Orville?

Mayor-of-New-York-city Orville?

Oh, my god, I'm the
girlfriend of the mayor.

Good-Bye, Sally.

No, no, no, don,
please don't go.

Listen, if I get a little crazy,

it's just that I miss
you so much, you know.

Mr. Mayor,

Mr. Big-city-
in-the-Palm-of-his-hand.

Well, half hour.

New York is so fantastic.

I have the coolest job,

don's here,

plus, he's mayor.

I've never been happier.

This sounds wonderful, I'm thrilled
for you, seriously thrilled.

Are you really?

No. What, are you crazy?

I'm depressed. I
want to go home.

I haven't found Mary yet.

Oh, you'll find her.

No, I-I've looked everywhere.

I checked the faculties
at nyu and columbia.

I even tried the Staten
island academy of beauty.

No Mary Albright.

Although they almost talked
me into their $4.00 perm.

Look, d*ck, why don't you
try to find somebody else?

I looked, but $4.00 is a very
competitive price for a perm.

Ok, let me give you a
little piece of ADVICE:

You only have yourself to
blame for being miserable.

I can't help it, I'm
having a real problem

with This whole experience.

It's so... So superficial.

Oh, god!

I miss Mary, I miss love.

Love is real.

No, sex is real, with
or without love.

Granted sex without
love has its place,

usually at a party
under a pile of coats.

But, life without True love

is completely meaningless.

Ok, d*ck, we're in New York,

why don't you just lighten up?

I don't want to lighten up!

Why is it that we need to
constantly distract ourselves

from life's deeper concerns?

Oh, my god, look at those shoes.

Terrific, I'm talking
philosophy with Ivana Tr*mp.

Look, I gotta see a new client.

I'll talk to you later.

9. This is the place.

Leon, what are you doing here?

I work here, Buddy.

Shouldn't you be in class?

Eh, school's off, it's
a national holiday.

It's Sammy "The Bull"
Gravano's birthday.

Are you Solomon?

Strudwick?!

Yes, father strudwick.

I'm the one who called you.

Father strudwick,

you mean you're a priest?

I need your help.

I've been accused of
embezzling donations.

You thief!

You horrible, horrible pilferer!

Hey! Hey, pipe down.

♪ If you want the
thrill of love ♪

♪ I've been through
the mill of Love ♪

♪ Old Love, New Love ♪

♪ Every Love But True... ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ For sale ♪

♪ Appetizing young
love for sale ♪

♪ If you want to buy my wares ♪

♪ Follow me and
climb the stairs ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ For sale ♪

Applause is nice, but it
doesn't buy the groceries.

You can tip the
performers if you want.

Oh, yeah, here... I will.

$100?

I don't care what you've heard.

This will only buy
you another song.

I don't want another song, Mary.

I just want to talk.

Mary. No one calls
me Mary anymore.

My stage name is kiki Lyle.

So, you're an actress in New York city?
That's wonderful.

Well, I'm between
jobs at the moment.

14 years in betweeen.

Well, I guess it's
good to rest up.

You know, a girl comes to New
York city willing to do anything

to become a star.

And once she's done all those
things and she's still not a star,

what's left?

It doesn't matter that
you're not famous,

I like you just the way you are:

Dressed like a slut.

Watch your language.

I'm sorry.

Huh, I've been
called a lot worse,

and the tip was a lot smaller.

But, hey, I'm bringing
the party down.

This is a party,
isn't it, handsome?

Oh, yes. Yes, it's a
party, all right,

because I've finally found you.

Yeah, let's have fun.

Fun is fun, right?

I'm a lawyer.

Lorne? Oh, hi, Tommy.
This is a surprise.

What are you doing at lorne
Michaels' desk, Sweetie?

Well, Ana, I wanted
to talk you alone,

so I sent lorne out
to get me a lattÉ.

Listen, I don't think we can
see each other anymore.

Oh, this is so sudden.

I mean, I thought we made
such a great couple.

Well, I thought so,
too, at first...

what do you mean at first? We've
only been going out a week.

Yes, but, in that week,
my career has exploded.

I just think that my fans would
prefer to see me unattached.

Yeah, I understand.

But I'm... I'm not
gonna lie to you,

this really hurts.

And I don't want it ever said

that Ana gastier KEPT Tommy
Solomon locked up in a cage.

I let him run free in the wild,

like the bird he
always longed to be.

Ok. Well, that was a mixed
metaphor, but I'll take it.

Thanks, Ana.

Hey, thanks for not crying.

There's a pro.

Love ya.

You do?!

No, not like that.

Well, I think meeting Mary
in a parallel universe

has done wonders for
our relationship.

It's like starting anew.

You know, it has been so
great for me and don, too.

Having sex with the mayor
is incredible, you guys.

I fired 4 people today.

From the network, what for?

Eh, they were smarter than me.

Only 4?

I can't believe how quickly
Mary warmed to me.

It's so easy to talk to her,

so easy to ask her out,

she's much easier here
than in Rutherford.

If that's possible.

I see what you did there.

You are the
professional funny man.

Well, it's New York,

brings out the
best in all of us.

Now that I've found Mary, I
could stay here forever.

Wait, do you think
we could, d*ck?

I'd like to propose a toast.

Here's to New York.

If you can make it there,

then you don't have to
go back to Rutherford.

The solomons are staying.

Hey, hey! Whoo-hoo!