06x10 - There's No Business Like d*ck Business

[bunniefuu]

Ah, what a beautiful day for a walk in the park.

Hey, Albright, would you like some ice cream? Well, yes, Harry, I suppose I would.

Well, you'll have to buy it, then, 'cause my money's no good here.

Your money's not good anywhere.

It's nothing but photocopies of my money.

Come on, Harry.

[clapping]

d*ck! Look, a party.

Let's check it out! Sally, why would a grown man take the slightest interest in a child's b-- [gasp]

They have balloons! So, Harry, what do you want? Well, it's quite a dazzling selection, but I think I've got a hankering for a b*mb pop.

But I've got a receding gum line, and the blue part tends to sting.

Cookiewiches are good.

You see, with them, you get the double-whammy.

You get ice cream and a cookie.

But it's too much of both, not enough of either.

It's Just get the Push-Up.

Ooh, that's-- that's a lot of work.

Ooh, I want the rose! Too late.

I called it in my head.

[children cheering, clapping]

For my next trick, I will need a helper.

How about one of the daddies? You, sir.

Me? Will you help me out on stage? Hey, what are you doing? We're not here to mingle.

I'm the helper daddy.

Step right up, sir.

Now, which one should I eat first? Here, hold this.

I have to pay.

Oh.

That looks good.

Hey! Hey! Help! Help! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh And what is your name, sir? d*ck Solomon.

And you wash behind your ears? Yeah.

Then how would you explain this? [children]

Yay! Oh! Can you read that note? "Happy Birthday, Emma.

" A big hand for d*ck.

Oh, man, you were awesome! Oh, thank you! d*ck! Somebody stole my purse! Just now? You mean you didn't see me up there? Thanks a lot! [theme music]

Mary, this a composite sketch of your assailant, based on all the eyewitness accounts.

Why is his head so big? Why is he holding a tennis racquet? Well, the department can't afford a full-time sketch artist, so we had the caricature guy from the birthday party do it.

He also did a great one of Don as a cowboy.

Yeah.

Oh, I feel so vulnerable knowing that hoodlum is out there somewhere.

Oh, my poor traumatized Mary.

Well, what about me? I mean, you only had it happen to you.

I had to stand there and watch it happen to you.

I got to live with that for the rest of my life.

[wailing]

Way to go, Albright.

Mary, if you're interested, I teach a self-defense course down at the Y.

Thanks, Don.

I just might take you up on that.

Should I fill out a report? Ah, what's the point? I mean, oh, uh, sure, yeah.

Thank you, Don.

Take good care of her, will you? Oh, Sally, today was just amazing! I know! When I went up onto that stage in front of that sea of faces, it was just exhilarating.

They were all strangers, and yet I felt this wave of love washing over me.

You kind of looked like you were sweating.

I want to feel that feeling again, and I will.

What are you gonna do, go around town volunteering to help magicians? No.

I will make my own magic.

You don't know how.

Sally, every illusion has a rational explanation.

When a magician pulls a dove out of a hat, the hat has a secret pocket.

The floating ball? Attached to two invisible strings.

The Chinese mystery box? Mystery box.

Made in China.

My God! How do you know all this? I'm a physicist.

I observe the mysterious phenomena of the universe and I explain them.

Plus, when we were waiting for the cops to come, I went through the back of that guy's station wagon.

Good one.

But you know, d*ck, every great magician needs a glamorous assistant.

You know, I've always thought you had a natural presence.

Really? Oh, my God.

It's so funny you say that, 'cause if I hadn't gotten my degree in interstellar exploration, I definitely would have done something in the arts.

Would you like to join me in the mystical arts? Mr.

Siegfreid.

Roy.

I'm really excited about this class.

I think learning self-defense will come in handy.

Indeed, Mary.

I am so tired of going to the bars and being groped by every straight man in Rutherford.

All right, for all the new people Thank you.

I'm Officer Don Orville.

Over the past 20 years, I've studied self-defense at some of the top government agencies, developing simple yet effective combat techniques.

Excuse me.

Yes.

Does the small print on your shirt say "Federal Bikini Inspector"? Yes.

But for the record, this shirt was given to me after Spring Break '81, and I did earn it.

Harry, what are you doing here? Oh, nothing, you know, I'm just thinking about maybe taking this class.

Uh, this class is for women only.

Oh, come on, Don.

I just don't want to be afraid anymore.

I want the nightmares to go away.

Well, I--I suppose you could observe.

I need somebody to wear the padded suit.

I can't wear that! You'll be perfectly safe.

Oh, no, no, it's not that.

It's just it'll make me look really heavy.

Next up, a couple of first-timers at Open Mike Night.

Do you believe in magic? Let's ask The Amazing Solomonellas.

I am d*ck, and this is my lovely assistant-- Sally.

I'm Sally.

Hey, how you doing? Sally.

Even though my tux is rented, what you're about to witness is very real.

Sally! I--I will now cut Sally into two separate but equal slices.

Uh, could we get somebody from the audience to come up and inspect this box? Uh, yeah, you.

No, stay.

How's it look from there? Good? Good.

Now--now that the box has undergone the strictest scrutiny, Sally will recline dangerously in the box.

Sally.

This trick is sure to amaze and appall you.

Under no circumstances should you try this at home.

Sally is now securely in the box.

[shouting]

Can you hear me, Sally? Yes.

Then we are ready to proceed.

These are two razor-sharp tempered steel blades.

[clang]

Ohh! Are you ready, Sally? Uh-huh.

Do you have any last words? Uh-uh.

Then here we go.

Oh! [faintly]

Ta-da! [loudly]

Ta-da! [audience applauds]

[audience whoops]

Yeah! Ta-da! [applause]

Okay, we misdirect and knee, misdirect and knee, misdirect and knee.

Very good.

Oh, good, good, good.

Harry, Harry.

Now why don't you start by approaching Judith? Okay.

Hey, Judith, it's good to see you again.

No! Hey, calm down! No! No! No! Don! Judith's totally freaking out! No, no, no.

It's okay, Harry.

You've got the suit.

You can't be hurt.

Now just try and help these women bring out their aggressive side.

What, you mean piss them off? Oh, I can do that.

Hyah! Hit me! With pleasure.

Uhh! Ooh! Is that all you got? Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Oh, baby, so nice.

How about you, sweet mama? Uh, nah, I can't.

I-- Come on, stumpy.

Show me what you got.

I--I--I-- Come on! Harry, Harry, Harry.

That's enough for today.

Yeah? Well, I don't think it is.

Harry, watch it! Now watch it.

The last person you want to tangle with is a self-defense instructor.

Yeah? Well, come on, sweet cakes.

Why don't you inspect my bikini? That's it! That's it! [shouting]

Aah! Ohh! Hey! Help me! God, Sally! That was a love fest out there! They worshipped us.

Oh, ho ho ho.

Worshipped-- Hi, I'm Sy Spurndle, the owner of this club.

That magic you did? Magic.

Oh Oh, thanks.

I'm gonna call you later.

I don't want to make any promises, but the way you scored in the cabaret, but you may be ready for the big room.

Wow.

Amazing.

Where's the big room? It's the cabaret.

We just add two more tables.

See you around.

We'll-- Thank you, Mr.

Spurndle.

Thank you, Mr.

Spurndle.

Good-bye.

Sally.

Oh, d*ck! Oh-ho-ho-ho! [applause]

Applause, applause, applause, applause, applause, applause, applause.

Thank you, but the best magic in the world is the magic shared by two.

And I couldn't do the magic I do without you and you.

[in unison]

And now, adieu.

Applause, applause, applause, applause-- All right, was it better that time? Did it equal the stagecraft of Houdini? It's as close as we'll get today.

Ugh! Want to do it again or what? No, no.

Fine.

I'm gonna go feed the dove.

Sy, a moment.

[Sally]

Hey, I think we should put a frog in the act! We already have a frog in the act.

She's 6-foot tall.

Sy, we have to talk.

Look, this has been wonderful.

I must tell you, I love what I do.

So does Rutherford.

This keeps up, I'll be able to buy real smoke alarms.

But, Sy, let me ask you something.

Does a real magician need an assistant? Honestly, no, especially a magician as good as you.

But everybody likes a little eye candy.

I suppose you're right.

It's just so hard.

I know, I know.

She's a piece of work.

Just remember, everyone wants to see you.

You're the star.

Thank you so much, Sy.

I knew you'd understand.

I'll go get the car, darling.

Terrific, sweetie.

Sy, ya got a second? For you, anytime.

Uh, was d*ck just talking about me? No.

Well, I don't know if you notice, but, uh, he exhausts me, and I really feel like it's hurting the act.

The act is fine.

You know why? Because of you.

So you agree he's deadwood, right? Oh, totally.

Yeah.

This show only has one star, and that's you.

Oh, thank you, sweetie.

Thank you.

[d*ck]

Sally! What? I'm gonna squash you like a bug, Harry Solomon! Die! Die! Die! Dah! Dah! Dah! If I'm not mistaken, I think I just released my inner animal.

Thank you, Harry.

Oh, well, it's my pleasure.

Wah! Wah! Mary, where are you going? I'm--I'm sorry, Don.

I'm just not cut out for this class.

My mother told me that girls don't hit, and I guess I never got beyond that.

All right, but no refunds.

No.

Hey, Albright, isn't that the same mother that said you'd always be fat? Yes.

Yeah.

And didn't she also say that you'd always be a failure? Yes.

Uh-huh.

And didn't she also tell you that you'd never get married unless is was to a big fat failure like yourself? You old bag! Aah! Come on now! How's the house tonight? Maybe you should look through the curtain.

Garlic for lunch.

How considerate.

Well, I suppose you skipped lunch so you could chew the scenery.

Showbiz lingo.

Did you find that in your How to Perform On Stage book? Because maybe you should start with the chapter entitled "How to Perform On Stage.

" That's sweet.

Maybe you should start with the chapter entitled "Don't Do Card Tricks If They're Gonna Reflect Off Your Big, Sweaty Forehead.

" [Sy, on microphone]

And now, ladies and gentlemen, give it up for d*ck and Sally, The Solomonellas.

[applause]

[sigh]

What the hell was that all about? You almost k*lled me.

Well, you cut off my best line.

I was completely upstaged.

Oh, you jumped every cue.

And you're hogging the spotlight again.

Oh, deal with it.

It's sabotage.

You're ruining the act.

I need artistic freedom.

I am suffocating.

Oh, please.

You're nothing more than decorative tinsel! Oh, really? You know, I get more applause shaking rabbit pellets out of that hat than you get for your whole act! I am the show! Oh, wake up.

I am the show.

Oh, you're just an amateur.

Ham! Diva! Ham! I hate you! I hate you more! Oh, my God.

What's happening to us? I don't know, but I don't want to feel this way.

Oh, God, neither do I.

Sally.

d*ck.

Oh! Guys, you ready for the next show? No.

We're not going on.

But I got a crowd out there.

Forget it.

We quit.

You're evil.

What about the show? Do it yourself.

Keep the props.

We're out of here.

Come on, Sally.

We're walking out this door, eating our free meal at the bar, and turning our backs on this hellhole of yours forever! Harry, we've been out here for two hours.

What are we doing? I told you, Albright.

We're taking back the park.

From whom? From him.

That's the guy who stole Albright's purse.

Really? I don't know, Mary.

He's not carrying a tennis racket and his head's a normal size.

Oh, that's him all right! Maybe you should arrest him.

Who's the padded man here? You.

You are.

All right! Well, hello! Enjoying your latte bought with ill-gotten gains? Huh? Let me tell you something.

This park is for nice, law-abiding citizens, not low-life scum like yourself.

You're going down! Who the hell are you? My name is Harry, and these are my angels.

Now get him! Go get him! [Man]

Oof! Ow! Ow! [bushes rustling, crash]

Uh, I'm pretty sure that was him.

I just don't get it, Sally.

How could performing for a room full of total strangers do that to us? The lights, the applause, the roar of the crowd.

It's like a drug.

Yeah, a drug that we couldn't kick.

It turned us into self-absorbed, ego-driven monsters.

You know, I actually think we should just leave the performing to the professionals.

Yeah.

It never happens to them.

[Sally]

No.

Would you guys show me a magic trick? Why, sure, Harry.

But first, I think you've got a little something in your eye.

Whoa.

That's weird.

Now let's see some magic.

Hey, what's that over there? Oh! Ooh! I wonder how long that's been there.

Now let's see some magic.

Oh, by the way, Harry, what time have you got? [stutters]

Okay, I'm going to get a vase for these, and then I'd like to see some magic.