06x11 - A d*ck Replacement

[bunniefuu]

Oh, look, d*ck,
a fortune teller!

Oh, let's go in.
It'll be fun!

Fortune teller.

If this so-called
fortune teller
can see the future,

wouldn't she have been
able to predict

the decline of this
neighborhood?

Okay, so you don't
believe in psychics,

but you do believe
in the Loch Ness Monster.

I do no believe
in the Loch Ness Monster.

I believe Nessie
is a friendly sea serpent

whose frisky demeanor
has been misinterpreted

as monster-like.

Okay, thanks!

Mrs. Dubcek.
Oh, hi!

Oh, Rita is
an unbelievable psychic.

Without her, my life
would just be a mess.

Uh-oh, I'm late
for my AA meeting.

Oh, come on.
Let's go in.

Welcome.
It's $15 each.

Well, I guess
that's reasonable.

The upkeep on crappola
must be pretty high.

Let me go first.

Hi.

You've been sad recently.

Kind of.

Generalization...
Madam Ripoffski.

d*ck, you're spoiling it.

Oh, excuse me.

Please continue,
Mistress Fraudini.

It's okay.

Some people have
scientific minds

and it's hard for them
to process psychic phenomena.

[scoffing]
Oh, please.
Scientific--

How did you know
I was a scientist?

How do you think?

I can see that
you and your friend

are from very
different worlds.

Mary, I think
we should go now.

One of these days,
he's gonna up and leave you.

Stop it!

And go back to wherever
he came from.

Oh, come on, Mary.
Up! Up! Up!

Time to leave.
d*ck, take it easy!

Let's get out of here.

Thank you so much
for ruining my life,

you heartless,
evil prophetess!

Are there any mutual funds
that you especially--

Never mind,
you bitch!

Guys! Guys!

I just had the most
disturbing experience.

Mary dragged me to a psychic
down on Water Street

who predicted that
we'd be leaving the planet!

Whoa, wait a second.
A psychic?

Those people are for real?

Oh, this one is.
She is good.

We're not leaving
the planet, are we, d*ck?

We could be called away
at any second.

And I can't bear the thought
of Mary growing old alone.

I wouldn't worry, d*ck.

Mary's not one to keep
her panties cool for too long.

You're right.
She is extremely resilient.

Mm, she's a slut.

But she could spend
years searching

and attract only losers.

Well, what can you do?
You got no control.

Then I'll take control.

I will dedicate my life
to finding my successor.

[laughs]
I don't know, d*ck.

If I were Mary,
I wouldn't want you

to find me
a new boyfriend.

But I must.

Anyone who knows
d*ck Solomon knows

that he is completely
selfless.

And when I find
my worthy replacement,

and I shall, he will wait
patiently in the wings.

And after I've gone,
he will love Mary

as only I know how.

Aw, that's sweet.

Thank you, Harry.

No, no. I mean this
cinnamon sparkle syrup.

It's sweet.

Aw, poor d*ck.

That psychic really
messed with his head.

Wait a second, Harry.

If that psychic knows
we're leaving the planet,

then she knows
we're aliens.

And if she knows
that we're aliens,

she knows that
I'm an alien.

All right, we gotta
check her out.

And if she's for real,
we have to k*ll her

for security reasons.

And what if she's
not real?

Well, we k*ll her
for sport.

Nina?

Nina?

Oh, hi, gorgeous.
Listen, I'm, uh--

I'm working on a project
and I need your help.

Sit down, dear.

Nina...
how does a lonely,

single woman like you
find companionship?

I'm not lonely,
Dr. Solomon.

I have a boyfriend.

Sure you do.
Sure you do.

Let's pretend that
you didn't, shall we?

How do you go about
finding a lover?

If I had to,
I'd try a church group,

the personal ads,
or maybe even the internet.

And yet, with all
these bright ideas,

you still remain
miserable and alone.

It's such a pity.

I have a boyfriend!

You're the only reason
I'm miserable!

Oh, but--

Nina...
you don't understand.

Almost engaged.

So, have you also
struck out at singles bars?

Even if I didn't have
a boyfriend, and I do,

hanging out with a bunch
of horny drunk guys

has never been my scene.

So, if you've never tried it,
it just might work!

Thank you so much.

Oh, and,
uh, Nina...

if I were you, I wouldn't
rule out the bars.

Those drunken horny guys
might just overlook

that sour personality
of yours.

I have a boyfriend!

Oh, no,
the door's locked.

She knew
we were coming.

She is for real!

Relax, Harry.

Let's not jump
to any conclusions.

Look, there's a note
on the door.

Be back at 12:30.

See, 12:40 now.

She didn't even know
she'd be late.

I think your watch
is fast.

Oh, yeah.
That's right.

I set it ten minutes fast
'cause I always found

that I was always--

Running late.

Yeah.
Uh, that's right.

Well, we better
get going.

Um, our bus is gonna
pick us up at the, uh--

Bus stop.

Uh-huh.

Harry, do you have
any of those--

[Rita]
Tokens?

Oh, my God!

[screaming]

d*ck, why did you
bring me here?

Everyone here
is half my age

and twice
as good-looking.

Mary, you could jump
back into this game
in a second.

You're tough competition
for all these women.

Thank you, d*ck.

You've been
around the block

more than any of them
and they know it.

Not to mention
you could drink

most of these men
under the table.

You are not
a loser.

Loser?
I never said--

Mary, repeat after me.

"I am not a beast."

Oh, d*ck!

I'll have you know
a lot of men

find me very attractive.

In fact, there's a guy
over there

who's been
checking me out.

What? Where?

Oh, good eye.
Stay here.

Look pretty.
I'll be right back.

Oh, d*ck, please don't
start a fight with that guy!

Excuse me.

Uh, you seem like
an intelligent,

fairly well groomed
young man.

Oh, and I see
you work out.

Dude, don't touch me.

Hey, Lexus key chain.
What are you drivin'?

I'm talkin' here.

What are you wasting
your time with her for?

You see
that hot blond

sitting on
a pina colada?

Well, right behind her

is an experienced
professional woman

who could use
a man like you.

So what do ya say?
You wanna party?

Excuse me, you work
with that guy?

Yes, I work
with d*ck. Why?

Let's not cause
a scene.

We don't want
your kind here.

Find your Johns
in some other bar.

What?

Hey, hey...
what's going on here?

d*ck, they think
I'm a hooker!

A hooker?

Yeah, Mary!

You still
got it, baby!

Okay, okay, okay,
let's focus here.

How do you k*ll somebody
who can predict the future?

We'll have to do it--

Unpredictably.

Right.
Like an accident.

But how do you plan
an accident?

No, no, no.
You can't.

But you can
accidentally plan

to accidentally
k*ll somebody.

By accident.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like she could be
allergic to shellfish

and you accidentally
run her over with your car.

That's a good plan.
Eh.

Oh, no! It's not
gonna work, though.

I mean, if we
already planned it,

it's no longer
an accidental plan.

Well, that's too bad,
'cause it was a good one.

Oh! I got
a great one!

No! Shut up, Harry!
Don't say it!

The only way
this plan will work

is if I don't
know about it

until the last
possible second.

Of course.

It's perfect.

So then, I guess
I'll see you around.

Sure.
Yeah.

See you around.
Yeah.

Or not.
Or not. Yeah.

Hello,
Rutherford Hardware?

Yes, you have an ad here
for something called

a "stud finder".

Does this thing--

Does this thing
really work?

Yeah, good,
because I need a man who--

Hello? Hello?

Idiot!

Dr. Solomon,
weren't you already warned

about skipping class
to make phony phone calls?

I don't have time
to teach class today.

Well, when this kind
of "emergency" happens,

you should let me know.

There's
a visiting lecturer

who's dying
to substitute for you.

You know someone
who can replace me?

Yeah. His name's
Gary Hemmings.

Gary... Don't like it,
but a name can change.

So, tell me
about this Gary.

Is he quick-witted,
well-tempered, virile?

Uh, maybe I should
just go get him.

Does he like
to see snowflakes

fall on the face
of his beloved?

Will he wipe away
the sleep from her eyes,

only to be blinded
by the sunshine

of her flawless
complexion?

Does he have just
the tiniest of crushes

on Harrison Ford?

Dr. Solomon?

Uh, Nina said
you wanted to see me.

It's like looking
into a mirror.

My God,
you're gorgeous!

Gary, I've lived
in Rutherford

for five years now.

I am arguably the most
celebrated professor
in Pendleton

and I am dating
a major hottie.

Does this sound
like a life

that Gary Hemmings
could lead?

Well, yes, professor.

I've always wanted
to be where you are.

Good, because, Gary,
I could be called away

at any moment.

You need not know why.

And when that happens,
I'll need the right man

to step in
and take my place.

Are you offering me
a fulltime position?

Potentially.

It all depends on how
you and Mary hit it off.

Mary?

I had no idea Dr. Albright
was so influential.

Hemmings, get your head
into the game.

If Mary doesn't like you,
none of this will work.

Well, I certainly hope
she likes me.

After all, there's plenty
of solid experience

under my belt.

And that's exactly
where it will stay

until I'm gone,
all right?

Until then, I suggest
you focus on flowers,

chocolates, and ceramic
fiddle-playing cats.

Are you absolutely certain
that's appropriate?

Okay, I can see
I'm wasting my time here.

Good day, sir.
No, no, no, no.

I can do that.

I can play
the game, sir.

Oh, it's no game.

You'll see that tonight
when the three of us dine

and let the pieces
fall where they may.

Okay, that's great.

Good.

Oh, and, Gary?
Yes, sir?

Be a lamb and fill this up
for me, will you?

You can't be
too careful nowadays.

Thanks for waiting.

I can't find
my tarot cards.

Gimme your hand.

Okay, but a guy walkin' around
with a bottle of honey...

I sure hope that
no accidents happen!

What the--

Oh!
[screams]

Oh, I'm so sorry!
I'm such a klutz!

What are you doing?

Now, Sally!

Okay. What?

Release the k*ller bees!

I don't have
any k*ller bees.

I knew it.

I kinda thought
that was gonna happen.

Well, you should have
told me the plan, man!

Well, you told me
not to!

Oh, there she is.

Yeah. Isn't she
a vision?

She's a lovely woman, sir.

She's a fox.

Hi, d*ck.

Oh, Mary.

And d*ck's friend,
who's joining us

on our
romantic date.

Mary Albright,
Gary Hemmings,

a brilliant physicist.

I've taken him
under my wing

and I'm grooming him

for his most important
challenge of all.

Nice to finally
meet you, Dr. Albright.

Oh, by all means,
call her "Mary."

Oh, or "Puddin' Nose."

Or Dr. Albright.

Gary, are you gonna give us
one of your trademark smiles?

Please. sir,
you're embarrassing me now.

Come on,
it's for Mary.

[cooing]
Stop! Stop!

Okay!
Ha! There it is!

d*ck!

So, um, Dr. Albright,
how long have you been

an anthropologist?

Oh, yeah...
Oh, well...

What an interesting
question.

Gary, could I talk
to you for just--

Man, what
are you doing?

You're such a lox!

I don't know
what you want!

What every woman wants:
sparkle!

d*ck, they're playing
our song.

Well, it could be
Gary's song too, Mary.

What is he doing here?

He's, uh,
dancing with you!

Gary, take over.
I'm a little winded.

Don't mind d*ck.
He's, um--

Eccentric.
Yeah.

Most brilliant
people are.

You're a bit eccentric
yourself, Dr. Albright.

Really?

Look at them.

My girlfriend
and her future lover.

Aren't they beautiful?

It's a perfect match.

You've done well,
d*ck Solomon.

Too well.

Hi. I'm Sally
and this is Harry.

We'd like to get
a reading.

I'm not telling you
your futures!

I should have
you two arrested!

Please, we're not
here for us.

We wanna know
your future.

My future?

Well, sure!

I mean, our lives
are so boring,

but we'd k*ll
to hear yours.

My customers only ask
about their problems.

Nobody cares about mine.

[in unison]
Aw, we care.

Aw, bless your hearts!
[laughing]

I see a sad little girl
from a small farm--

Blah, blah, blah.

How does it all end?

Excuse me?

Well, just skip the middle
and get to the end.

How you ya die?

Die?
Yeah.

Well...

I've always had the clear
vision of myself dying

during a passionate night
of lovemaking.

Not a bad way
to die, huh?

Not at all!
[laughing]

But a horrible way
to k*ll.

Right, Harry?

All right.

It's gonna be tricky.

I mean, who knows what lies
beneath that muumuu.

[foot steps]

d*ck!

Well, what are you two
doing here?

d*ck, this psychic
is dangerous to the mission.

Harry is moments away
from making love to her...

to death.

Good plan. But first,
I have to talk to her.

Oopt, upt, upt.

There will be
plenty of time for talk

during my two-and-a-half
hours of foreplay.

No, no.

I command you to suspend
this eroticide

until I have
spoken to Rita.

I have to find out when
we're leaving this planet.

Why?

I finally found the perfect
replacement for myself.

Well, that's great!

It is great...
for Mary.

But I planned
this selfless act,

I had no idea
how it would affect me!

It's heartbreaking.

I've got to find out
how much time I have left
with my beloved.

Well, what would
make you happy, d*ck?

Ten years?

That quick?
Ten short years?
Is that what you think?

Well, it could be
ten months.

Ten tiny months?

I'm as good
as gone already!

Well, d*ck, you found
your replacement.

Face it; from now on,
you're just a temp.

You're right.

The only thing standing
between Mary and true love
is me.

Oh, if only I'd
seen this coming!

Damn you, Rita!

I wanna
k*ll you myself!

But how do you k*ll someone
who can predict the future?

Mm, I gotcha covered.

Dr. Solomon?
You wanted to see me?

Oh, yes, Gary.
Please sit down.

Thank you.

Look, there's no need
to delay the inevitable, Gary,

my son, my brother,
my protege...

me.

You mean,
I've got the job?

When do I start, sir?

Well, Mary's last class
starts at 3:00,

so if you can coax her
to a happy hour at 5:00,

you should be
in the sack by 7:00.

What?

Wait a minute.

I'm not sleeping
with Dr. Albright

just to get the job.

What do you mean?

Sleeping with Mary
is the job!

Well, part of it anyway.
She likes to shop, too.

I just wanna
teach physics.

That's all
I've ever wanted.

We had a deal!

Hey, guys!

Chicken Jerusalem
in the cafeteria!

Dr. Albright, you may be
a handsome woman

and I would certainly
love a position

here at the university,

but I am not going
to sleep with you!

Good-bye!

Okay, that's fair.

d*ck...

guess what I wanna know.

[groans]

They call it
"Chicken Jerusalem"

because they make it
with Jerusalem artichokes.

Anyway.

Why doesn't Gary
wanna sleep with me?

Oh, because he's an idiot.

Now I don't know
what's gonna become of you

when I'm gone.

Oh, my God, d*ck.
You're not dying, are you?

No, I'm not.
But what if I did?

That psychic scared me.

She made me think
about the future.

What would happen to you
if I weren't around anymore?

I thought Gary
could replace me,

but now I don't
wanna be replaced!

You're not saying that you were
trying to fix Gary and me up?

Yes!

It was the hardest thing
I ever had to do!

Listen, you.

That psychic
didn't know anything.

You have many,
many years ahead of you,

and I will be
right by your side.

And after that,
I don't want anybody else.

Mary...

you'd rather be alone?

After you,
I'm done.

Of course you are.

How could I expect you to ever
settle for anyone else

after being
with someone like me?

I've ruined you.

More than you'll
ever know.

After so long
on this planet,

I've finally learned
my most important lesson
of all.

What's that?

That it's better to have
loved d*ck and lost d*ck

than never to have
had d*ck at all.

Still, I'll pass.

By the way,
did you take care

of that security risk?

I'm on top of it.

Oh, Harry,
mission accomplished?

No, not yet.

I just came down
to get some water.

What is taking
so long?

I don't know!

She just keeps
gettin' stronger!

Look, now just
remember, Harry,

the entire mission
is counting on you,

so keep it up!

Easier said
than done.