06x15 - Glengarry Glen d*ck

[bunniefuu]

[people all talking at once]

Oh, what a wonderful wedding.

I laughed, I danced.

And I kicked some old maid butt.

I can't think of anything that would've made it more fun.

Being invited, maybe? How was my toast? Oh, good.

Good.

I guess you could've waited until the father of the bride finished his toast, but-- No, no, no.

He was unfocused and sentimental.

Where to next? Ooh, looks like we got a Bar Mitzvah in ballroom C.

Ooh.

There we go.

Point me to the kugel.

You guys, check it out.

Get a free black-and-white TV.

[shrieks]

I've only ever seen color TVs.

All we have to do is attend a brief time-share presentation.

They're giving out TVs and presentations? What's in it for them? Suckers.

I'm going in.

Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

What about the Bar Mitzvah? Oh, tell Jacob or Daniel or Ben how proud I am of him.

Who here would like to increase their vacation value while decreasing their vacation costs? It's uncanny.

How did you know that I wanted more for less? Now, imagine owning your very own luxury getaway at Pine Villa Estates through the miracle of time-share ownership.

Stop, you're teasing.

How much? How much? A mere $10,000.

$10,000.

Yes.

Okay, people, bachelor auction.

Do I hear $10,000? [theme]

If we buy this time-share, we will have our own little piece of earth.

Land.

It's the only thing that matters.

d*ck, that's just dirt from the backyard.

Yeah, that's not exactly dirt.

We simply need to raise another 5,000, and a getaway at Pine Villa Estates will be ours.

Well, I guess it's time we sold that old refrigerator of ours.

It is, after all, solid gold.

No, Harry, I think the refrigerator is harvest gold.

There are three grades of gold, fool's gold, black hills gold, and harvest gold being the most valuable.

I did not know that.

Hey, everybody.

Tommy.

Listen, I'm glad you're here.

You're gonna have to drop out of college.

We need the tuition money for something more important.

We don't pay tuition.

I'm on scholarship.

You idiot! I'll check out the toaster.

It may be platinum.

Tommy, you are getting so big.

What are they feeding ya? I don't know, fruits, vegetables, milk.

Aw.

College.

You know, Tommy I think you might actually be taller than Harry now.

Could be.

Yeah.

Right.

Look, even if Tommy was taller, there's no way you could prove it.

No, no.

Come back here, Harry.

Let me try something.

Uh, okay.

Tommy's taller.

Well, how about that.

Congratulations there, partner.

I guess from now on, you can just call me Shorty.

All right, Shorty.

I don't like that nickname! Oh, I'm sorry, little man.

Stop it! Okay, first off, there are no rare metals in this toaster.

Second, we will be enjoying our Pop Tarts raw for some time to come.

d*ck, why don't you just go in on the time-share with someone? Share the time-share? Sally, that's brilliant.

We just need to find someone smart enough to recognize a great deal when it drops into his lap.

Yeah, someone smart.

Walking in your own mountain meadows.

A little bit of paradise at Pine Villa Estates for only $5,000.

What do you think, Don? Well, he did say, "only.

" Oh, come on, Don.

You, me, and the girls.

Meadows.

$5,000? That's my cop pension.

Well, what's the point of retiring if you have no place to retire to? I'll do it! That a boy, Donnie! Partners! Vacation buddies! Hey, don't forget your free TV.

Huh? Ohhe was talking to me.

Okay, Mary, are you ready to see the place where you'll be spending every vacation for the rest of your life? Ready.

I'm not ready.

Oh, my God.

Will you look at this place? My God, it's gorgeous! And only three hours and four car barges away.

[gasps]

Swanky! I want to see everything! Oh, this must be the living area.

Oh, look, Donnie! The dining area! And the bedroom area! Guys! I found another area! Wow.

So we can run away to this place whenever we want during red-marked weeks on only 90 days notice.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, there'll be a lot of these Tuesday through mid-day Thursday getaways.

So come on, let's unpack.

Unpack where, d*ck? I don't see a closet.

I don't even see a window.

Don't worry, Mary.

Here's the closet.

And there's your window! Hello, Miss Dubcek.

Tommy.

How's the weather down there, half-pint? Why don't you take off the stilts, Harry? Well, if you think it'll make a difference, pee-wee.

Oh.

That was mighty bold, Shorty.

Why don't you just admit that I'm taller than you, man? Yeah, right.

You grew, yet your clothes still fit.

Or did they grow, too? Fine, I didn't grow.

Maybe you just shrunk.

Damn right.

What-- Shrunk? Yeah, very possible.

It's in all the medical journals.

Really? Yeah.

When you age, you get shorter.

You see these capris? They used to be bike shorts.

Oh, my God.

Just minutes ago, these pants hit the top of my shoes, and now they touch the floor.

I am shrinking! Yeah? Uh, I'll have a glass of merlot.

What? It's wine.

I guess I could mix blackberry schnapps and tap water.

Keep 'em comin'.

All around.

How are we gonna k*ll three days up here? Oh, no, there's plenty to do.

We'll just get the skinny from the locals.

Uh-- Excuse me, sir? We're vacationing in the area.

What is the one thing that we should not miss? Well, uh, there's the prison.

I see.

Are there any crafts fairs? Oh, we got that.

Prison crafts.

Community theater? They were gonna do Guys and Dolls at the prison, but some of the guys didn't want to be dolls.

Thank you.

Look, we're four interesting people.

We'll make our own fun.

[Kn*fe tapping]

Excuse me.

Could we borrow the Kn*fe? d*ck? There's something crawling up my back.

No, that's me, Mary.

I'm just being frisky.

I can see your hands.

It's a bug.

Oh, stop making excuses for this dump.

I know.

I made a terrible mistake.

I thought that owning my own place would feel wonderful.

Instead, it's just itchy.

What do I do? You've got to get rid of it.

Yeah, but how? Sell it to Don.

You really think he would buy it? Why don't you roll over and ask him? Sorry.

Coming through.

g*ng way.

No, no, don't worry, Mary.

I'll talk to Don tomorrow.

Good.

Let it be Don's headache.

[Sally]

Right.

Now, you listen to me, Don.

You're a cop, you have connections.

Can you please get us a room in that prison? I know, Sally.

We're trapped.

What can I do? Sell your share to d*ck.

It's all his fault anyway.

Fine.

I'll do it.

Okay.

Hey, are you gettin' frisky? No, why? [yelps]

[All, screaming]

[grunting]

Isn't this great, Don? Splitting wood outside our own time-share.

Yeah.

Good, wholesome outdoor exercise.

Yeah.

I could do this for hours.

I don't even care that we don't have a fireplace.

Me neither.

By the way, Don, I have good news and bad news.

What's the good news? Mary's dying.

That's good news? Well, it is for you, Don.

'Cause I have to sell my half of the time-share to pay for Mary's operation, and the doctor feels that I should sell it to you.

Well, uh, won't Mary need a nice place in the country to recuperate? Maybe you should buy me out.

Who are you, the Surgeon General? Mary's only chance is for you to buy this place.

Yeah, well, my only chance is to sell it.

Look at these blisters.

I'm not cut out for this life.

Not that I don't love it.

If you love it, then buy me out for $4500.

Or you could give me $4,000 for my half.

but that's as low as I go.

I'll take 3,000 and throw in the flystrip.

Oh, come on, Don.

Just buy it! For God's sake, you only have to live there one week a year! You buy it! You got me into this.

So this is what it comes down to, eh, Orville? I should warn you, I'm pretty handy with an axe.

I saw you choppin'.

You're not.

[grunts]

Okay, this is my final offer.

Give me 2900 and I'll let you take one swipe at me with the axe.

Tommy, I'm shrinking.

And who knows where it might end.

So I've taken some precautions.

Stripes.

They'll make me look taller.

I also got you this.

Hearing aid.

I can hear you fine.

Well, sure, now.

But when I-- [high-pitched]

get real small I'll sound like this and I might need your help-- Okay, all right.

I think you're overreacting, but look.

I can see you're really freaked out, so earlier on, I saw this.

Rutherford Enlargement Clinic.

"For the man who wants more.

" "Let us help you become the size you deserve.

" d*ck, did you work it out? Yes, I did, Mary.

I sold my half of the time-share to Don.

Oh, that's a relief.

And I sold my half to d*ck.

Oh, geez Louise.

You mean we're gonna be stuck in this dump forever? Oh, I don't understand.

It's as if that salesman exaggerated how desirable this place is.

Now, look, I know that's a harsh accusation.

It's the classic bait-and-switch, d*ck.

In my line of work, I've seen it a thousand times.

Well then, why didn't you say something? Well, actually, I've only seen it twice.

Well, get ready, Don.

Because you're about to see it again.

But this time, we won't be the suckers.

Good.

Maybe we should have a hand sign, just in case.

Hi.

Hi.

You look like you could use another foot.

Hey.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's just it's hard to tell when you're sitting down.

So, he used to be bigger than me, and then my aunt realized that I'm the bigger one now.

He can't stand it.

He makes me measure him, like, five times a day.

When he wakes up, after his shower, after his stretching exercises.

These guys are weird.

Say, did you see that sunrise over the tire plant this morning? I say if those colors come from chemicals, bring on the chemicals! I think everyone's here, d*ck.

Oh, good.

Then let's all get started.

Sally? Friends, neighbors, thank you for coming.

We are all united by our love for Pine Villa Estates time-shares.

Now here's some exciting news.

As great as one time-share is, two time-shares are even better.

Oh.

Yes, I would like to talk to you about the miracle of multi-time-share ownership.

I am already a multi-time-share owner, and am considering a third.

[Many]

Oooh.

My question is, is it wrong to be this happy? Good question.

No, it's not.

But you won't be happy if someone here buys this time-share first.

I'll throw in two black-and-white TVs and a free cord of wood.

Anyone? Did you feel that? What? It felt like the floor was buckling.

It's the clubhouse all over again! [chatter]

Excuse me, if you'll just-- Be sure to take some brochures! [d*ck, Sally]

Brochures! Okay, Mr.

Solomon.

I've been reviewing your chart.

Now, it says here you've been trying a variety of home remedies? Hanging from the ceiling? With weights attached.

That-that is unorthodox.

Well, I'm desperate! I'm shrinking.

Shrinking? You do know there is a natural fluctuation in size based on excitement.

You mean I'm bigger when I'm watching professional wrestling.

Well, to each his own.

You gotta help me, doc.

Make me taller.

Wait.

Mr.

Solomon, are you concerned about your height? Why else would I drag my tiny butt down here? I think your height is stable.

Of course, I've examined only one part of you.

Yeah, I was wondering about that.

Uh, but from what I've seen, you should have no fears about your size in that area.

Oh? In fact, most of the men who come to me would be quite pleased to have what you have.

So should I go out there and, uh, maybe show these guys what to sh**t for? Oh, no, no, no.

Well, why not? Yeah! That one old guy seemed kind of interested.

When everyone else rushed out, he stayed behind.

He was trampled, d*ck.

He's still our number one prospect.

It's my fault.

I bought into this American Dream of home ownership.

The white picket fence, the garden arbor, the incredibly hot widow next door who gives massages in exchange for yard work.

d*ck! Mary, we were all fooled.

But I'm done with this place.

Let's just take the loss and pretend this whole thing never happened.

Say goodbye to this pathetic kitchenette with its two inches of counter space.

Hardly room for poor Don to shave his back in the morning.

And we'll never get in that horrible pool again.

Do you remember when we saw that thing in the water? And we didn't know if it was a bug or a turtle? It turned out to be kind of both.

I have never seen you run that fast.

Me neither.

I worked up quite an appetite.

And then we came back here and tried to jam a frozen pizza into that tiny oven.

Yeah, and then we put out the fire with Mary's sweater.

It went up like a cashmere sweater! I know! At least we were warm for a little while.

[All, laughing]

Funny.

In spite of everything, we've ended up with some pretty special memories.

Maybe this crummy time-share just needs a little love.

Someone to give it a slap of paint.

Or just hose it down.

You know something? I believe that, like the mushrooms growing in the corner, our love for this place can only multiply.

This is home.

Who the hell are you? This is our time-share.

It's our weekend.

Wait a second.

This is our home.

You have to leave.

[stammering]

You know, maybe we should all stay here together.

I'm sure that we would all grow to love each other.

Have you folks visited the prison yet? Lived there for four years.

And I ain't afraid to go back.

Okay.

Vacation's over.

[chatter]