01x43 - Raw Deal

[bunniefuu]

♪

- Dad, are we there yet?

- Not yet, kiddo.
A few more hours.

- Oh, okay.
Are we there yet?

- Today we're going
to Grand Venture State Park,

and it's gonna be awesome!

We're gonna hike and fish
and check out the caves.

- And I can't wait
to see Pop Pop.

The guide book said there was
an old geezer in the park.

- Geyser, not geezer.

See? Here it is.

- I hope we get to see it blow.
That would be rocking!

- I wouldn't hold my breath.
It's been inactive for years.

- So it is like Pop Pop.

- Now are we there yet?

- Lana, stop asking.

- Well, Hops is asking,
not me!

- This seatbelt
is wrinkling my dress!

- Why don't you guys
play some car games?

- How about football?
I'll be the QB. Hike!

[all screaming]

- How about something
a little less dangerous?

- I have a new deck
of fortune-telling cards.

I could give everybody readings.

- Me first.
- Yeah!

- Over here, Lucy!
Over here, Lucy!

- It's Madame Lucy.

all: Ooh!

- Lori, you will go
on a long trip.

- Ooh, maybe Bobby's
taking me to Italy.

He is working
at that pizza place.

- Lola, the Universe
will open doors for you.

- Ha, tell me something
I don't know.

- Luan, you will soon
be blown away.

- How fortunate.
[laughing]

- Ha, ha, good one!
- Ow!

- Poppycock.
Could these predictions

be any more non-specific?

- Lisa, you will make
an amazing scientific discovery

before entering the park today.

Is that specific enough for you?

- Specific, yes.
Plausible, no.

As a woman of science, I cannot
take any of this seriously.

- Well, the cards don't lie.

Last but not least:
Lincoln.

[gasps]
- What? What does it say?

- So, uh, who wants
to play football?

- Lucy, come on, tell me.

- Fine. Your day at the park
will end in...tragedy.

[dramatic music]

- Oh, a radio station
of music stings. Neato-burrito!

♪

Okay, kids, ten minutes
for bathroom and snacks.

If you miss the cut-off, I can't
promise I'll still be here.

- Aren't you coming?
- Nope, I'm staying right here.

- Oh, you're not worried
about Lucy's silly predictions,

are you?

- Aaah!
[crashing noise]

That was
literally embarrassing.

- It was also literally
your fortune.

"You will go on a long trip".

- [gasps]

- [sighing]
So I'm not going to Italy?

- Relax, Lincoln.
It's just a coincidence.

- [laughing]

Let me know
if you get "tired," Dad.

- Good one, honey.
That's why you're my "heir."

[crashing noise]

Oh, sorry, sweetie.
Your dad's just an airhead.

[both laughing]

- Fortune number two.
"You will soon be blown away."

all: Oh!

- More like coincidence
number two.

- We will see.

- Oh, thank you,
Mr. Universe.

[gasps] The Universe
just opened doors for me!

[all gasp]

- And that's number three.

- Lisa!
- Eh, pure happenstance.

- Gotta go, gotta go!

both:
Back of the line, sister!

- [breathing heavily]
I can't wait this long!

Don't gotta go,
don't gotta go!

- O-M-G!
These boots are totes adorbs.

- Ha! I found a dollar
in the toilet!

- Just like I predicted.

"Lynn, your patience
will be tested."

"Leni, you will fall in love."

"Lana, you will become
filthy rich."

[all gasp]

What can I say?
The cards don't lie.

- [whimpers]

Excuse me, where are
your first aid kits?

- Oh, Lincoln, please.

That is a coincidence.
That, hyperbole.

And that's gross exaggeration.

Filthy? Yes.
Rich? No.

- Ugh. It's about quality,
not quantity.

- Oh, yeah.

The vending machine gave me
an extra bag of chips.

The best things in life
are free, bros.

- "You will be rewarded double."

- [breathing noisily]

- Oh, Lincoln, please,
you're embarrassing yourself.

- [muffled]
I'm just sensible.

I'm just being sensible.

Lucy said my day
would end in tragedy,

and all her other predictions
have come true.

- Not mine. I haven't made
any scientific discoveries yet.

- Wait a minute.
That's true.

- All right, kiddos, welcome to
Grand Venture State Park.

- Let's go, people.
Move it, move it!

- Lincoln, why are
you pushing us?

- Yeah, what's the rush?

We are literally
the only people here.

- If we can get in the park
before Lisa makes

any discoveries, that means
Lucy's predictions are bogus

and I'm home free.

Yes! We made it!

Science: One.
Medieval hocus pocus: Zero.

Right, Lis?
Lis?

Lisa, hurry up, get in here.

- Sorry. I had to finish
that chapter.

[bell ringing]

[gasps] Sweet mother
of scientific discoveries!

It's an owl with deer antlers!

- [screams]

- Lucy, I concede
that your psychic predictions

are uncannily accurate.

And now I'm off to show
this fascinating creature

to the park ranger.

See you later, Lincoln.
Well, maybe not.

[dramatic music]

- Yes! I can get the music
sting station on my phone!

All right, g*ng. First stop
is the Grand Stalactite Caverns.

- Ooh, if it's dark, I'm in.

- Ooh, if it's dark,
I'm out.

- Lincoln, you've been looking
forward to this trip for months.

Don't you wanna check out
the caverns?

- And get impaled
by a stalactite?

- Are you really gonna let

a silly prediction
ruin your fun?

- Yes, I am.
I'm gonna stay right here,

where it's nice and safe.

[bats screeching]

[screaming] k*ller bats!

Oh, they're just butterflies.

Who are probably fleeing
from k*ller bats!

[screams]

- I call it "the dowl."
- [screeching]

- Remarkable! I'll arrange
a press conference immediately.

Lucky for us,
I always carry bunting.

- Ah, Grand Sparkling Lake.

- Cannonball!

- Watch it, Lynn! You'll ruin
the Grand Venture guide.

- Come on in, Lincoln! We got
the whole lake to ourselves.

- Yeah, right.

So I can get eaten
by a piranha?

Or zapped by an eel?
Or att*cked by a swamp creature?

- Don't be a dope.
There's no such thing.

- [blabbering]

- [screaming]
It's him!

Back, you hideous beast!

- Hey, hey, hey.
I didn't pick out these shorts.

Your mother did.
Huh.

Presenting Grand Vista Gorge.

The most beautiful view
North of the Rio Grande.

- Beautiful?
Don't you mean "GORGE-ous"?

- Have any of you seen
your brother?

- Oh, are those fire ants?

Ah, that could be quicksand.

Yikes! I'm pretty sure
that's poison ivy.

- Lincoln!
Get your butt up here!

[voice echoing]
- Shh.

You wanna cause an avalanche?

- What?

[rocks tumbling]

- Next stop:
Grand Current River.

- Hey, little dudette,
hook me up with another worm.

- Sorry, all out.

- Lincoln,
you should join us.

- Yeah, right.
And get swept down the river?

Or contract a deadly parasite?

Or slip on a rock,
bang my head, get amnesia,

and wind up in Tijuana?

I don't think so.

- Ugh. I wish I hadn't
filled up on worms.

- Lincoln, are you sure
you won't join us?

- Yeah, right.

And attract bears
with the smell of the burgers?

I don't think so.

- I think bears also like
the potato salad in that basket.

- [screams]

I'll just stand in this field.

Wait, then I could get struck
by lightning.

Maybe I'll be safe in that log.

But there could be
rabid beavers!

Back to the picnic basket!

No, wait!
The bears. Oh!

- Ah, what a day!

Grand Venture State Park,

you always know
how to show us a grand time.

- This is great. I may actually
get out of here alive.

- Lincoln,
where are you going?

We got Lisa's
press conference.

- You guys go without me.

The flash from the cameras
could blind me.

- Members of the press,
I have made a discovery

that will forever alter
our understanding

of the animal kingdom.

I give you...
the dowl.

Or "Loudicus Lisa,"
if you prefer.

[excited chattering]
- [screams]

- As you can see,
the antlers of the dowl are...

"Made in China"?

- Excuse me, I just remembered,
I, uh, left the iron on

in the ranger station.

Forest fires are no joke.

- Hold it right there, Bub.

What gives?

- [sighs] Okay.

I concocted the whole thing.

I bought the antlers
at a yard sale,

and glued them on the owl.

You think science
is some sort of a joke?

- No, it's just that ever since
the geyser stopped erupting,

no one comes
to the park anymore.

I thought a little publicity
would bring people back.

[microphone feedback]

My apologies to you all.

Obviously, the dowl is a fake.

- A fake?
[gasps]

So Lucy's prediction
for you wasn't true.

- That is a logical conclusion.

- Which means mine
wasn't true either.

- Second logical conclusion.

- I ruined my whole day
for no reason.

- Thrice, a logical conclusion.

- Okay, kids, you have
five minutes to get in the car.

And if you miss the cut-off,
no guarantees.

- Well, I guess there's
a lesson here.

You can't live
your life in fear,

or you'll miss out on it.

And that would be a tragedy.

It's the geyser!
Whoa!

[horn honking]

He really is
leaving me behind.

Sheesh! I always thought
that was an empty thr*at.

Guys, wait!

Guys, guys! You won't
believe what happened!

I just saw the geyser go off!

- Ugh. Lincoln, you told me
Pop Pop wasn't gonna be here.

- Leni, it's not--
Never mind.

This turned out to be
the best day ever.

- Well, Lucy, I guess you'll be
throwing out those silly cards

now that you've been
completely discredited.

- Wrong. I can prove
fortune telling is real

with one last prediction.

The end is near.

- Oh, please, give me a--

Lucy: Told you.
The cards don't lie.

- ♪ Cramped inside
this tiny space ♪

♪ May sound bad
but ain't the case ♪

♪ In the Loud house
- ♪ Loud house

- ♪ Duck and dodge
and push and shove ♪

♪ That's the way we show
our love in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Loud house

♪ Laundry piles
stacked up high ♪

♪ Hand-me-downs
that make me cry ♪

♪ Stand in line to take a pee

♪ Never any privacy

♪ Chaos with kids

♪ That's the way
it always is ♪

♪ In the Loud house