02x16 - Diamond in the Rough

[bunniefuu]

Once upon a time,

there were three little girls
who went to the police academy,

two in Los Angeles...

the other, in San Francisco,

and they were each assigned
very hazardous duties...

but I took them
away from all that,

and now they work for me.

My name is Charlie.

Don't try to tell me
you're not frightened!

We want that diamond.

How often do I have
to tell you, Brewster.

I didn't steal it!

The Light of Arabia.
Now, where is it?

That's none of my
business. I'm retired.

Why don't you ask the museum.

Run a bath for
Mr. Brander, Carl.

Now, Freddie...

you read the same
newspapers I do.

It was stolen from the museum,

and you always lusted
after that diamond,

and the whole operation
reeked, if you'll forgive me,

of the style of Freddie the Fox.

Brewster, you
wouldn't do this to me,

we were in the trade together.

I'm sorry, but, as you know,

I can no longer
swing from cornices

and windowsills, and
Carl, God bless him,

is too primitive

to do anything but
smash and grab,

but the Light of Arabia,

that would set
us both up for life.

Shall I take him for a swim?

All right.

Third drawer in the middle.

False bottom.

Brewster McFarland used to be

one of the finest
cat-burglars on the coast

until he fell one night
from a second story.

A gentleman.

In the old days,

he never would have
had anything to do

with a hoodlum
like this... this Carl.

Why do they think

that you have the diamond?

Well, I don't know.

The police have
interrogated me three times,

and I've been tipped off

that other criminals
are trailing me.

It's a terrible feeling,
being innocent.

Maybe they suspect you,

because Freddie the Fox was
once the best jewel thief going.

Now, Freddie, come to the point.

I suspect you know who
has the Light of Arabia.

Oh, yes, it's in the hands
of a multi-millionaire,

named Faris Salim.

Filthy rich. Bad
character all through.

He's very big in oil, isn't he?

If he wanted
something like that,

why would he steal it?

I mean, he could just
buy it, couldn't he?

Salim is an acquisitive man,

and the Light has
never been for sale.

Rumor has it that
he arranged the theft

and then disposed
of the thieves.

Sounds charming.
Where is he now?

He lives in the Caribbean.

The jewel is reportedly kept
in a secret room on his estate,

incredibly well-guarded.

What is it exactly
that you want us to do?

Oh, help me steal
it back, of course.

Oh, sure.

If you'll just help me, Charles,

we can recover the jewel,

return it to the museum

where it rightfully belongs,

and where the whole
world can enjoy its beauty.

That's very noble
of you, Freddie,

but I think we have
a bad connection.

I missed any mention
of your autobiography.

Oh... my book.

I had no idea

you followed my
career so thoroughly.

I never lose interest in
people I help send away.

Uh, excuse me... a book?

Freddie has a lucrative contract

with a publisher for
his autobiography.

This would no doubt
provide the last chapter.

I think we'll need a
financial understanding,

Mr. Brander.

Listen, before we start

splitting the profits,

don't you think we
better find the gem first?

Right you are, Kris.

All right, pack
your bags, Angels.

You're flying to the Caribbean!

Ah!

It's going to be nice.

Good idea.

Yes, sir?

Hello, the suite for
Lord and Lady Brander.

Ah, yes. Lord Brander.

We've been expecting you.

No, no, my dear
man, I am Bosley,

Lord Brander's valet de chambre.

I trust the accommodations
are as requested.

Oh, I'm sure you
will be satisfied.

No, no, this
certainly will not do.

You have Miss Garrett
and Miss Munroe

in the same room.

Well, I understood that
they are both employees.

Yes, but you see,

Miss Garrett is Lord
Brander's secretary.

Miss Munroe... his masseuse.

Lower lumbar pain. Chronic.

I see. Of course.

My lord...

and my lady...

Thank you, thank you very much.

That will be all.

All right, let's get
down to business.

Faris Salim is having a
birthday party this Saturday.

That gives us just three
days to see that we get invited.

Now, Charlie's report says

that Salim often
dines here at the hotel.

That could be a good
chance for a direct contact.

You know what? Let me
work on Salim's son, Ali.

I understand he's
into race cars,

and I can at least
talk a good show.

Well, keep your
seatbelt fastened.

Yeah.

Well, anything for the cause.

Oh, do I detect a note
of self-sacrifice, Kris?

Yeah, what does
this Ali look like?

Oh, I saw his picture
in the paper once.

Well, he's not exactly handsome.

Mm? Mm... No, I mean,

he's not even good-looking!

Mm... Mm-mm.

You could even say he was ugly.

Really. Really.

Ugh...

I'm looking for Mr. Salim?

Over there, lady.

Mr. Salim?

Ali Salim?

Yes...

What is it?

I'm Ali. Can I help you?

I heard you were the
best person on the island

to talk to about my problem.

Which is?

Uh, my car.

It seems to be running... tired.

Shall we try it?

Try what?

The car.

Oh! Okay.

The Salim Estate...

a nice little place, isn't it?

Guards... a wall...

a closed circuit TV
monitoring system.

That's what I call a challenge.

I'd call it impossible,

unless we can get someone

working from the inside.

We've got to find

their vulnerable point
of att*ck, a weakness.

I've made some inquiries,

and Salim has a very
well-known weakness...

His appetite.

I also learned some
things about his cook,

and so I suggest, my
lord, with your permission,

that we launch our att*ck
through... the kitchen.

Clever.

Very clever, Bosley.

Thank you.

Oh, here, madame...

I insist you allow
me to assist you.

You can't help me, man,

because I don't know you!

Oh, but I know you.

You are Cleo,
chef to Faris Salim,

and by reputation,

the finest cook on this island.

Well, maybe I don't know you,

but I sure like your
honeyed words.

Allow me then, madame,
to introduce myself.

I am Lord Brander's man, Bosley.

We are on holiday at the hotel,

and I warn you, my dear lady,

my intentions are questionable.

Oh, yes, I fully intend to
steal your famous recipe

for Baked Papaya
with Ground Armadillo.

Oh, Mr. Bosley, I'll
give you the recipe.

Here we go.

That is delicious!

Oh, my dear Cleo,
it's abundantly clear

why you are the
queen of the Indies.

Listen, you were telling me

that Lord Brander,
he travels with his wife

and his secretary
and his masseuse?

Oh, yes, poor chap.

He'd be in terrible trouble

if it weren't for me.

You see I manage
his... schedule,

but... tell me, Cleo,
what is this I hear

about Faris Salim
and his secretary?

Oh, the story be true,

and what a nasty,
conceited girl.

Oh, yes, well, perhaps then

you'd be interested
in what I heard

from Lady Grantham's maid?

Something good?

It seems that Salim's
secretary is misbehaving...

with one of the guards.

How terrible.

And there's more, Cleo.

She apparently is
selling information

to a gossip columnist.

Ah... The hypocrite.

Now, you must
never tell this to a soul,

do you understand?

I mean, the poor girl might lose

her position.

Oh, never. To me dying day.

So, hopefully, by now,

Mr. Salim will be looking
for a new secretary.

Bosley, how can you
make up such a story?

You don't even know
Salim's secretary.

I got it from the bellboy

who got it straight
from Salim's gardener.

I wonder who he got it from.

Let's just hope it works.

Hi!

Hi.

Oh, I've been with
Ali all afternoon.

Oh... Where?

He's been
rebuilding his Ferrari,

and, uh, we were...

well, I was helping him.

Uh-huh. Well, that's
very interesting,

a multi-millionaire
auto mechanic.

Well, his father doesn't know

anything about that.

Ali wants to be independent,

and he's really
nothing like his father.

He's very sensitive
and thoughtful.

As a matter of fact,
I'm seeing him later.

Oh, my gosh! Look at my face.

Why didn't you guys tell me?

Hello.

Yes.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Well, Faris Salim is in
the hotel dining room.

Ah... Time for an early dinner.

Kelly, it's been a
pleasure having you

in our service.

Yes, so sorry

it must end so... unpleasantly.

Lord and Lady Brander,
we have your table ready.

Do you call this an
appropriate table?

I don't relish the idea
of being on display.

Freddie, don't be tiresome.

I should like that table

over by the window.

I'm afraid that's impossible.

That table is
occupied by Mr. Salim.

And what, may I ask, is a Salim?

I beg of you, my Lord,
lower your voice, sir.

Mr. Salim may become offended.

I see.

You've no objection to
offending me, is that it?

Freddie...

Your table was approved
by your own secretary.

Is this what you
choose to call a table?

Surrounded by all
these gaping people!

Well, I... I'm sorry,
Lord Brander, but...

I have been humiliated

by incompetent servants

for the last time.
You are dismissed.

You may find yourself
another situation.

Since you obviously

have nothing
respectable to offer here,

you may serve us in our suite.

Amuse yourselves, ladies.

My dear...

times such as
these require cognac.

I gather that you
have been discharged.

I've been had.
That's what I've been.

I worked hard for that big snob.

And I see that you
are an American.

Allow me...

You're fogging your glasses.

How pretty you are.

Even tears become you.

Thank you.

As it happens

I have a need of a
secretary just now.

Do you?

My own departed quite suddenly.

Are you feeling better?

I'm feeling a lot better
than I did a minute ago.

My offer is a serious one.

I do need a secretary,

and, if I may say so, I
think you need a friend.

Well, I don't take shorthand.

Oh, that's not a problem.

And I'm a rotten typist.

Oh, it's quite all right.

But... I'm used to
taking orders, Mr. Salim.

Ah... you know me?

Is there anybody who doesn't?

My father is extremely wealthy,

successful, and very charming,

but underneath, he is a monster.

Well, he did one thing right.

I have told you
all about myself,

but I know almost
nothing about you.

What do you do for Lord Brander?

I was hoping you
wouldn't ask me that.

Oh. Look, Ali,

I'd like everything
to be up front with us,

because I like you.

You don't have to
explain anymore.

I have no right to judge you.

I don't want there
to be any surprises.

You mean no regrets.

I like the good life, and I
can't afford it by myself.

Lord Brander isn't the
first or won't be the last.

I wanted to meet you,

so that I could meet your father

and his society friends.

I see,

and is that the only reason
that you are here with me now?

If it was, do you think
I'd be telling you this?

Of course.

I understand.

No surprises.

Thank you.

My father is having
a party this Saturday.

I have to go.

It's his birthday.

Would you like to accompany me?

I'd love to.

What is it?

My father... He will
be very impressed.

Is this where Mr. Salim
keeps his valuables?

Valuables?

Oh, well, I heard
he collects things,

you know, like
paintings, rare jewels.

I do not know

where you get your information,

but you'll not be seeing

anything of that sort.

Mr. Salim asked me
to make you familiar

with the estate.

This is our security room.

Look like you're
ready for an invasion.

An intruder on the grounds

would find himself
in great difficulty.

I believe it.

What's in there?

That would be
dangerous for you to know.

I think that is
enough for you to see.

I assume you've been
told of your duties,

such as they are.

Reza, are you always so formal?

I am needed.

I suggest you go
directly to your office.

Stay!

Stay!

It's all right now.

Perhaps it would be better now

if you went to your office.

Oh, no, no, no.

It's really quite unsuitable.

My dear good man,

I asked to see something
of value, not trinkets.

My dear Lady Brander,

allow me to introduce myself.

Faris Salim. At your service.

And how did you know my name?

This is a small island.

Your arrival was
of great interest.

Ah, yes, of course.

Yours was the table
my husband demanded

yesterday at the hotel.

A most unfortunate confusion.

Really?

Well, not altogether
unfortunate for you,

I should imagine.

I believe you have... employed
my husband's secretary.

True.

I was hoping you would
show me your forgiveness

and honor me with your presence

at a little party
tomorrow afternoon.

Tomorrow?

Quite short notice, isn't it?

But, my dear lady,

I've just made
your acquaintance.

Please. It is my birthday.

Will you accept this

as my personal invitation?

Mr. Salim... You
are a bit vulgar.

However... you are also...

very charming.

First we have to locate
where Salim has the jewel,

then determine
our method of entry.

This should be useful.

That's the pearl
that Salim gave me.

Turn it over.

Inside is a miniaturized camera.

That's the lens.

This... snaps the shutter.

Keep toying with
it at the party.

Then nobody'll notice

when you're taking the pictures.

I have something
for you, too, Kris.

This little piece of
wax is for your purse.

When you get close
enough to the jewel case,

just press this
against the lock,

and we'll be able to make
a key from the impression.

That is terrific!

They didn't call
me Freddie the Fox

because of my foxtrot.

Lord and Lady Brander,

I am flattered that
you would come

on such short notice.

Well, it was the...

uniqueness of your gift.

You have it mounted already.

I am, indeed, flattered.

No need to be
flattered, old chap,

She has everything mounted.

When I pass over
to my eternal reward,

I expect I'll be stuffed

and put over the
fireplace myself.

What a sense of
humor you English have.

Mr. Salim... you may
introduce me around,

if there's anyone worth meeting.

But of course.

Do you know Countess de Grenier?

No.

Allow me.

Lord Brander?

Uh, no, uh... Freddie
isn't interested.

You'll excuse us,
won't you, darling?

Only if you promise

to stay away for a long time.

Had a chance to look around?

Yes, I got the tour.

There's one central
security room

with all the TV monitors.

Only one guard in there.

Good.

And idea where he
keeps the jewels?

There's a locked room.

Uh-oh, watch out, watch out.

Reza, do you know Lord Brander?

How do you do?

Not awfully well,
thank you for asking.

I was trying to
persuade Kelly, here,

to come back into my employment.

I'm afraid I haven't
succeeded actually.

If you will forgive
me for saying so,

your Lordship,

your loss is Mr. Salim's gain.

Thank you.

Oh dear...

I appear to be meeting defeat

on all fronts.

Lady Brander, may
I present my son, Ali.

How do you do?

How do you do?

And, uh... Yes... uh, we've met.

Happy birthday, Father.

Thank you for at least
cleaning the grease

from your nails.

You know?

About your garage?

Of course.

Father, this is Kris Munroe.

Hello.

At least my son knows
a beautiful woman

when he sees one.

Well, I've heard a lot
about you, Mr. Salim.

Not all of it good, I'm sure.

Well, none of it was boring.

See if you can seduce
Ali into having a good time.

If you do, I will
reward you for it.

How are you doing?

Do you have his interest?

He's coming on like gangbusters.

Good.

Time to push him then.

We have to see that jewel.

Okay.

Look bored, Freddie.

I hope you'll
forgive me, my dear.

Oh, yes, of course.

The obligations of the host.

Yes, of course.

Is something the matter?

Well, yes, Lord
Brander is the matter.

He has the attention
span of a 6-year-old.

He's bored. He wants to leave.

Oh, so soon?

Yes.

I don't imagine you
could stay by yourself?

Well, under the circumstances,

it would be... awkward.

Have you entertainment planned?

Freddie loves fireworks.

No... but perhaps
I have something

even better.

Oh, really?

Excuse me.

Yes, of course.

Oh, Freddie, darling...

Mr. Salim would like
to have you join him

in private.

Please.

I have asked a few of
you, my good friends,

and my honored guests,
Lord and Lady Brander,

to view my most recent

and my most
valuable acquisition.

You will notice

some unusual
security arrangements.

I alone have the
key to this room.

Miss Garrett, please
walk through there.

Yes, sir.

The entire floor of the room
that you are about to enter

is electronically wired,

and, as you'll see,

we have a most unusual
guard on duty inside.

Lord and Lady Brander, please.

Yes, indeed.

Please.

Ladies and gentlemen...

I am privileged to show you

one of the truly rare
gems of the world...

The Light of Arabia!

I should say...

The Light of Arabia and friend.

Do not be deceived by its size.

This is a Green
Mamba from Africa.

One of the world's
deadliest snakes.

A snake!

Reza, quickly, some water!

She always does this
when she sees one.

Oh, no, no, no.

No, no, never mind.

Help me up.

Simply help me up.

Looks like the party's over.

Well, here's the last of them.

Oh, that reminds me, John.

We'll need to mix this
with some raw hamburger

to take care of the watchdog.

Um... It's quite harmless.

He'll simply sleep like a puppy

until we've gone.

Okay, let's... Let's hope so.

Now, we go over
the gate here, right,

and we know what
time the guard changes

so if Kelly can get
the guard's attention

away from the TV monitor
in the security room...

Then the hard part begins.

That was the easy part?

You heard Salim...

The floor of the room
is electronically wired.

Salim has the only key, so...

So we have to come
down through the window

to get the jewel.

We have to come
through the window

and never touch the floor.

Ali... this might be goodbye.

We're going to be
leaving in a day or two.

I see.

I hoped you'd feel as
badly about it as I do.

Kris...

Are you going to steal
my father's diamond?

It isn't for us.

We're going to give it
back to the museum.

Ali, you've got to believe me.

I'm a private investigator.

So this is what you meant

when you said there
should be no surprises?

Are you gonna give us away?

I don't know.

Are you surprised to see me?

No... I was told you were here.

The guard became ill.

I'm replacing him.

I am experienced in such things.

I'm sure you are.

Why are you here?

Because you are.

I'm bored.

Everything okay?

How's the dog?

He's fine.

He enjoyed his hamburger.

He's having a blissful nap.

Okay, let's get going.

Freddie, what's the matter?

I'm sorry.

It's just a bit of
shortness of breath.

I guess I'm not used

to all this exercise anymore.

I'll be all right in a minute.

Look, we can handle this.

Now, we'll just
switch, that's all.

Bosley will take your job.

You stay here in the van.

You're not going
in there without me.

What if something goes wrong?

Look, let's face it,

something already
has gone wrong.

Come on, we don't have time

just to stand here.

Now, Freddie, you've gone over

every detail of this with us.

We know it by heart.

We can do it.

Good luck.

Okay...

Okay.

I had no idea when you came here

we would become friends.

Neither did I.

You dance very well.

Do you know that I
am an expert dancer?

Of course.

I know a great deal about you.

I see.

I believe that a
man can be graceful

and still be a real man.

I agree.

Dear Freddie.

How kind of you
to go to this trouble,

and all for us.

You dance beautifully.

You ready?

Yeah.

Here you go.

Easy, watch it,
watch it, watch it.

There you go. Good girl.

No more.

Come.

Let's go to my room.

Oh, well, you can't leave
here. You're on duty.

Come on, one more
dance. Come on.

Come on.

Hold it. Stay right there.

The dance is over.

All guards

report to the Security
Center immediately.

Sentries on the
grounds... General Alert.

Freddie?

I'm right here.

This young fellow came
along and rescued me

just when I needed it.

You'd better hurry.

My father will soon have his men

searching the island.

He will be pleased
that I have captured

at least two of the thieves,

and that might give you

some additional time.

Come on,

we've got a plane to catch.

Ali...

Well done, Angels!

The museum has
their diamond back,

and we have a
substantial reward.

And better yet,

Freddie's old friends
are leaving him alone.

I'm very appreciative.

I'm looking forward
to a quiet life

of witty guest
appearances at literary teas.

Which reminds me,

Freddie, I read the
proofs on the book.

I enjoyed it.

Did you, really?

Oh, yes, and so did I.

Especially the part where
you ran along the rooftop

of the Salim mansion,

you lowered yourself
down with a rope,

and you picked
the diamond out...

with your teeth.

I liked the part

where you made a
loop out of your tie

and caught the snake.

Ooh, excellent.

I... particularly
liked that part.

Well, after all, I am
the hero of the book,

and my readers expect it of me.

Yeah...

Well, maybe I can make
it up with the dedication...

"I hereby dedicate
this book to Charles...

"John..." and their
three lovely Angels.

"My only regret being

"that I didn't make
their acquaintance

30 years ago."

Aw... I like that.