02x22 - The Jade Trap

[bunniefuu]

CHARLIE: Once upon a time,

there were three little girls
who went to the police academy,

two in Los Angeles...

the other, in San Francisco,

and they were each assigned
very hazardous duties...

but I took them
away from all that,

and now they work for me.

My name is Charlie.

[♪♪♪]

Left 28.

Right 47.

Left 19.

I have it. Right. Bye.

Let me get it.

Don't be silly, my sweet.

Why bother with pretense

when everyone around us
knows exactly what you are.

But... I love you.

Of course you do, my pet.

And cows have wings.

[♪♪♪]

[TRAFFIC HONKING FAINTLY]

[HARNESS CLINKS]

[SAFE CLICKING]

What's the matter
with you tonight?

I'm bored.

Desperately bored.

Look... If it's
something I've done...

What you do, darling,
you do well enough.

But then so do so many others.

You know, I'm afraid it's
time for one of us to run along.

And, since I live here...

Now, wait a minute!

It's not that easy!

What about my boat?

Your boat?

Yeah.

I'm gonna lose it, if you
don't give me that loan.

I mean, uh, you promised.

Did I?

Did I?

Well, I say so many
things when I'm feeling blue,

and in need of... company.

Look, you can't do this to me!

You promised!

I'm not one of
your two-bit studs!

That's exactly what you are!

And if you think you're
going to get more

than nickels and
dimes out of me...

Denny, put that toy away!

Everyone knows you
carry it because you're a

poor little bunny who's
scared of the big bad world!

You're not man enough to use it!

You're wrong.

[g*nsh*t]

Seawave's been my
home ever since it was built.

I started as a secretary.

Worked my way up to manager.

A little late in life

to be starting on
my career, perhaps.

I think it's lovely.

Thank you, dear. You're welcome.

I've enjoyed every minute of it.

Until now...

This wasn't the first time
you've been robbed, was it?

No. There has been a
series of jewel robberies

in the Marina area
in the last two years.

This is the third time the
Seawave has been victimized.

But it's the first time
anyone's been k*lled.

All the work of the same person?

Charlie?

Yes.

Similar MO's in each case, Kris.

But a k*lling doesn't
fit the pattern.

But caught with his
hand in the cookie jar,

the burglar might have panicked.

That's the way
the police see it.

The Seawave's a
residential hotel, isn't it?

Yes, that's right.

We have several wealthy
permanent tenants.

We've even
installed private safes

in each suite for
their valuables.

Do you know how the
burglar opens the safes?

Nobody knows.

There's no sign of forced entry,

and the manufacturer
claims they're uncrackable.

We've tried changing
the combinations

on every safe
after each robbery,

and it doesn't slow
down the burglar one bit.

There aren't any clues at all?

Well, he was seen

running out the fire exit door

shortly after the
sh*t was heard.

But not well enough
to get a description.

Sounds like he did panic.

Oh, please, will you help me!

The other tenants are
threatening to leave!

A scandal like this could
close down the Seawave!

It... it's my home.

I wouldn't know what
to do if that happened...

Charlie?

Does your hotel have
any vacancies, Catherine?

CATHERINE: Well, yes. We do.

You're about to have some
very lovely new guests.

[♪♪♪]

Mother?

The police think I did it.

Oh... They don't
know you as I do.

You wouldn't hurt anyone.

No... I just rob people.

Well, every boy
must have his career.

Well, you're not sorry, are you?

That I put my talents
to such profitable use?

Oh, Teddy. How could I be?

You're such a good son.

You look after your
mother... very well.

You realize you may
be in some danger.

The m*rder*r knows you saw him.

Well, I can't just
run away, Mother.

The police would find
that highly suspicious.

But I can go get the mail.

Huh!

Here you are, Mr. Machlin.

Miss Deveraux?

Kelly Deveraux.
From New Orleans.

Well, welcome to
the Seawave Hotel.

You're most kind.

Our manager will show you
to your room in just a moment.

Thank you very much.

[SWEDISH ACCENT] Mr. Bosley!

Hello. Thank you for coming!

At your service, Miss Bjornbar.

[MIMICKING BJORNBAR] Thank you?

Oh that's Annika Bjornbar,
the famous Swedish actress.

I don't believe I've
ever heard of her.

Would you show me
to my room, please.

This way.

Thank you.

You will get a
good price for me?

That should not
be too difficult.

Thank you. This way.

The clientele here is
not what it used to be.

Oh, yeah.

Everybody settled in?

With great fanfare.

But the burglar can't
be one of our guests.

Well, maybe not.

But whoever it is seems to know
who might make likely victims.

So that means there's
somebody around here

keeping an eye on things.

It's so cold blooded.

Yes, it is.

Do you remember seeing
anyone with Julie Redmond

who wasn't a guest here?

Yes, there's that
sailing instructor

I think he calls himself.

What's his name?

Denny something.

But Mrs. Redmond
said he came to town

a couple months ago,

so I don't think he
could be the burglar.

Well, it wouldn't
hurt to check him out.

Is there anything else I can do?

Yeah as a matter
of fact there is.

Now the police think that
the burglar picked the lock

on Mrs. Redmond's
apartment, don't they?

Yes.

The window in her
bedroom was open,

but her apartment's
on an upper floor.

What about the roof?

Well, there's just
one door to the roof,

and I have the key
right here in the office.

Could I borrow it?

Yes.

I'd like to take a
look around up there

after everything has
quieted down this evening.

Uh-huh. There you go.
Thank you very much.

I can't get 14
down... See you later.

You will be careful, won't you?

Oh, yes, ma'am.

I got a guardian angel
keeps an eye on me!

We ought to be right over
the Redmond apartment now.

Yeah. I'll take
your word for it.

[CAR HONKS]

Ungh!

Whoa!

Hello.

[KNOCKING]

SABRINA: Hello. Hello?

Hello there. Excuse me
for dropping in so late.

I'm with the Marina
Botanical Society.

And I couldn't help
but be attracted

by your honeysuckle.

Would you help me with
my rope here, please?

Yeah, could you just
give me a hand with my...

Thank you, I really
do appreciate it and...

And what lovely Nasturtiums.

You must be very proud of it.

Excuse me, I'm so sorry,

I'm really very sorry
for bothering you and I...

I won't intrude on you...
You just have a lovely night.

Tomorrow, either that
honeysuckle goes, or I do!

I mean, it's just crazy!

Five years without an injury.

All of a sudden a m*rder,
then an attempted m*rder,

one right after the other?

Yes and don't forget

the attempted
decapitation of yours truly!

Charlie, did you read the police
report on the Redmond case?

CHARLIE: Yes, I did.

SABRINA: Well you
remember when she was found?

She was wearing an
expensive diamond bracelet.

Why did the burglar
bother to clean out the safe

and then leave the bracelet?

Well he probably knew
that sh*t had been heard.

Maybe he didn't have time...

To pull a bracelet
off her wrist?

Well...

Now listen, there's
something else.

The security guard saw
him escaping out a fire door.

But if he used a rope to
climb down from the roof,

he's have had to
abandon it still tied there.

The police looked. No rope.

CHARLIE: What's
your theory, Sabrina?

I think there were two
people in the apartment

besides the victim.

And the burglar went back the
way he'd arrived. Up the rope.

Which means somebody
else went out the fire door.

It's the only thing
that makes sense.

Well that would
explain the thief's MO

changing so suddenly.

Sure, it's Mystery Man
No. 2 who's so deadly.

Yeah, but what does
that do to our plan

for catching the thief.

Never fear, Bosley.

I'll bet Sabrina's thinking
the same thing I am.

SABRINA: Right, Charlie.

If you're thinking that
the burglar saw the k*ller.

And the k*ller knows that.

That's right. That's
why he tried to k*ll you.

He thought you
were the cat burglar.

It sure looks that way.

CHARLIE: So, nothing's
really changed, Angels.

To catch the m*rder*r,
we must still trap the thief.

But there's one problem.

What's that, Charlie?

Do I dunk or not?

SABRINA: I beg your pardon.

I've just been served tea
by my new English maid.

Now will she
think I'm too vulgar

if I dunk my crumpet in the tea?

Only if you leave
it there, Charlie.

CHARLIE: Goodbye, Angels.

ANGELS: Goodbye, Charlie.

I checked on this
sailor, Denny Railsback.

Yeah.

He's been in town
about six months.

Lives on a boat that's
mortgaged up to its gunwales.

Oh, hey, be careful, gentlemen.

Charlie would hang us both
from the nearest yardarm,

if anything happened
to his jade collection.

You're right.

Now listen, after we make
our grand entrance in there,

I'm gonna mingle a little bit.

Oh good. See if anybody
shows any interest.

Right, then I'll check
on some sailing lessons.

Oh, yes!

Now if you'll just wait
here, Miss Bjornbar,

I shall see that your cases

are securely tucked
away in the safe.

Thank you.

You are most vel... welcome.

[BIRD CHIRPING]

Pretty birdie.

I just love that yade.

I beg your pardon?

My late husband's
yade collection.

Do you mean jade, my dear?

Oh, ya, ya, yade. It's all I
have to remind me of him!

Oh, my dear.

Come on over here and sit
down and tell me all about it.

I'm Mrs. Machlin. I'm
a resident here, too.

Oh, I am very happy to meet you.

There, there. Ohh!

We were once so rich and happy.

Rolf sell the tennis
shoes all over.

Now Rolf is gone.

Only the yade and I
remain. He was the fourth.

The fourth what?

Husband.

But the only one I love.

I heard someone say that
Mr. Bosley is an auctioneer?

I am so poor now.

Until I find my fifth
husband, what do I do?

Well, I don't know. It's a
problem I've never faced.

I must sell my yade!

Mr. Bosley is the best.

He get a good price for me. Ya.

Is the collection very valuable?

Oh ya, ya. Many
hundreds of thousands.

I just love that yade!

I don't blame you.

Miss Deveraux?

Yes?

I'm Ted Machlin, the Seawave
Hotel's personal Welcome Wagon.

May I sit down?

All right.

Are you here to
give me free coupons

to local stores and restaurants?

No, but I would be pleased
to take you for an early dinner.

Then a walk along the beach

while the California
sun is still hot.

Well I... I...

Please. Please. I know what
it's like being alone in a new city.

Here comes my mother.
She can vouch for me!

Mother. Teddy...

I'd like you to meet Miss...

Yes. Miss Deveraux.

Kelly.

How do you do. Nice to know you.

I'm sorry to interrupt,

but would you think
it too Freudian of me,

if I tried to steal my son away?

Why no. Not at all.

I was going to
spend the next hour

being so clever and charming,

you'd agree to
have dinner with me.

Can I pretend I
was and you will?

[LAUGHS]

Let's pretend. About 7:00?

If you make it 6:00,
we can go for a swim.

See the sights and
then have dinner.

All right, 6:00.

Goodbye.

Bye.

Hello, hello!

Mr. Denny Railsback?

Yeah? Hallo.

I'm Annika Bjornbar.

I have come for
the sailing lessons!

Well, I charge by the hour.

Oh, that is no problem!

No?

Okay, then. When
do you want to start?

Now?

Sure. Fine.

[♪♪♪]

KRIS: I think I want
to go home now.

The county beach is a
couple of blocks down.

Have you lived at
the Seawave long?

Five years. We moved
in after my father d*ed.

Mother took it pretty hard.

I didn't want to
leave her alone.

I see. That was very
thoughtful of you.

It's a good arrangement.

We get along fine.

She respects my
privacy, and I respect hers.

I see.

Something is wrong?

Uh, no, no, no.

I guess I'm a little
b*at myself, that's all.

Tell me, what do
you do for a living?

As little as possible.
No, no, actually, I...

I own a fairly large
commodities brokerage.

Well, now I am impressed.

Well, my work has
its ups and downs.

But enough about
me and my family.

What about you and yours?

Well, the Deveraux's
have lived in New Orleans

for generations.

And I thought it
was just about time

one of us got out and
saw something of the world.

Good for you.

My mama and daddy
were not pleased.

You see they want me
married off and settled.

Like all the other
Deveraux women before me.

I know what you mean.

Old money. Old traditions.

It's the same in my family.

It's difficult being
independent sometimes.

Yes, it is.

[♪♪♪]

Well, I guess we should
be getting back now.

It's getting late.

Now I know we
should be getting back.

[CAR APPROACHING]

You certainly have
very quick reflexes!

So do you, for a
delicate Southern Belle.

[♪♪♪]

Okay, fine. Thanks very much.

Well, the car was stolen from
a parking garage up the street.

You think they were
after you, Kelly?

Well, I don't see how.
Where's the motive?

That leaves Machlin.

And who would be
the target of the k*ller?

Our cat burglar.

Mm-hm.

But why would he need to steal?

The Machlin's are
loaded with money.

Oh, no, Charlie
did some checking.

And the Machlin
commodity brokerage

went bankrupt two years ago.

Oh, wow.

And right about then,
the burglaries started.

KELLY: Oh, it fits.

Why is it, every time
I start to like a guy...?

You know what else
fits? Denny the Sailorman.

When he took a look at
Machlin he almost fainted.

And he couldn't get
rid of me fast enough.

Well the man
obviously has no taste.

And he had time to steal
a car and get to the beach.

Okay. Now we have
two strong suspects.

Now all we need is the proof.

Well, let's get some.

Right.

So he missed.
But he'll try again.

I agree, but there
are two reasons

why I can't leave right now.

Two?

That jade could
set us up in style.

Time enough to get
established somewhere else.

And the other reason?

Kelly.

There's some mystery about her.

I don't know. I can't explain
it but I've got to find out.

You are a very weird boy.

So you know me too well.

Come on, you're
going to be late.

I'll take this down.

Teddy?

Take care.

[♪♪♪]

[STARTS ENGINE]

She has her own key
to the ladies' room?

So she pays the gas
station owner $50 a month

and uses the station
as a changing room,

no questions asked.

She then goes to
Swan Security Systems

where she is employed under
her maiden name of Cooper.

And she has access to
the safe combinations?

Yeah, and not only that.

When Seawave wants to change

the combinations
after each burglary,

she is the one
that's responsible.

Well, didn't Catherine
Cahoon ever see her?

Apparently not.

You see the actual work was done

by a salesperson
and the technicians

I'm telling you.

With a mother like that,

Machlin could be the
most inept burglar in history

and he'd still wind
up with a fortune!

I've made some inquiries.

The Deveraux's are
listed in Who's Who.

But no darling daughter, Kelly.

I've been found out. Mm-hm.

Who are you really?

Here you go.

Kelly King.

The Charondaley
Museum, New Orleans.

Ah, you're a buyer?

Well, we were privately informed

that Miss Bjornbar
wanted to sell her

husband's collection.

Well, I couldn't tell
anyone the truth.

I get it.

You and that
auctioneer character

are putting one over
on the Swedish starlet.

Keeping the price low?

And he gets a cut
of the difference?

Well, this is a wealthy area.

There'll be one or
two who might bid,

but they'll have to drop out.

Annika will be
making lots of money,

and we'll have
the jade collection

for a fraction
of its real worth.

That's pretty tricky.

Thank you.

Tomorrow morning, armed guards

will pick up the
jade from her safe.

Everybody will be happy.

Well, you won't be
bidding, will you, Ted?

Well, I'd truly like to
mess up your little scheme.

But, no. No, I won't
bid against you.

You've got me under your spell.

Besides... I don't
bid for things I want.

Well, it is time!

Okay now, remember
the plan, Bosley.

Oh, it's very simple.

Kelly is the high
bidder at $150,000!

Yeah.

Now watch the old silver
tongue swing into action!

Old silver tongue?

[BOSLEY BANGS GAVEL]

Ladies and gentlemen!

The bidding is now
open. The bidding is open.

What am I bid?

I do have an opening
bid of $50,000. Thank you.

I have $50,000. Do I hear 60?

Oh the very pretty lady
bids $60,000. Thank you.

Uh, $70,000? I have
70,000. The bid is 70,000.

Do I hear 80? Do I hear...

Oh that there's a sneaky 80!

I do have $80,000 I
have 80. Do I hear 90?

$90,000 for this
priceless collection!

$90,000, thank you very much.

$100,000! We are rolling now.

I have 100,000. Do I hear 110?

110 is bid! I have 110!

120, I have 120.120 is the bid.
Do I hear 130? Do I hear 130?

Too rich for the shy
guy! All right, I have 120.

Do I hear 130? I have 130!

130! 140, 140.140,000 once!

$140,000 twice!

150,000. Thank you very
much. 150,000 once! 150...

160,000. I have
160. Do I hear 170?

Do I hear 170?

Oh, dear! That's
Samantha MacKendrick.

She owns half of Beverly Hills!

Do I hear 170? 170!

Always had a nose for bargains.

Oh, Charlie'll k*ll us.

180!

190! I have...

$200,000! Thank you very much.

210! 210! I have 210,000.

$220,000! 220! 220!

220! 220! 220! 220! 220! 220!

$300,000.

[AUDIENCE MURMURING]

Three. $300,000.

300,000 once, twice, sold!

[BANGS GAVEL]

Oh, no.

No!

I'm telling you, at this rate,

I'll be selling
pencils by tomorrow.

With your auctioning
ability, Boz,

you'll be rich in a week.

I don't know what came
over me. It was like a dream!

Well, don't worry, Bosley.

We're gonna get the jade back.

I hope.

Okay, look, it's about
time we get into position.

Now Kelly made sure
that Machlin knows

the jade leaves
the safe tomorrow.

That means he has to
make his move tonight.

Oh, Bosley.

I don't..

Left nine. Right
52. Left... Mother!

Mother I have it.

Right.

Don't work too late.

Right.

Right, I'll be careful.

Bye-bye.

[SAFE CLICKING]

Be careful with those, please!

Uh-uh.

TED: Dad left me in
charge of the brokerage

when he d*ed five years ago.

But, uh, well, I
couldn't make a go of it.

And when it went under

mother got a job
at Swan Security.

I don't know, the idea just
came to me so naturally.

And it was my idea, not hers!

I didn't talk you out of it.

Swan Security installs safes
in buildings all over the Marina.

So I just spaced
my robberies out,

setting each one
up very carefully.

Mother got me the combinations.

Ah! It was so easy!

Until you chose the
wrong apartment.

Hm? That's for sure.
Julie Redmond's.

I was in the bedroom and
I had just opened the safe

when I heard them come
in, Julie and this guy.

They quarreled.

He must've been crazy to
sh**t somebody like that!

Well, what happened then?

He came in the bedroom and
I was on my way up the rope

and I saw his face.

And he saw yours?

Yeah. But what was
I supposed to do?

Go to the cops and explain that

"Well, I just happened
to be climbing by."

[LIGHT LAUGHS]

No, that might have
aroused their suspicions.

They would have
locked me so fast

I wouldn't have known
what had happened.

They would have charged
me with m*rder too.

Oh, well... So
much for old wealth.

And old traditions.

What will happen to Teddy now?

Well you're an accomplice
too, Mrs. Machlin.

I don't care about myself.

But I do care about my son.

Well, Mrs. Machlin, we
can try to work something out

with the DA.

What?

Uh, possible reduced
sentence for you.

And a possible suspended
sentence for your mom,

considering her age.

No offense.

In return for what?

Help us to catch the m*rder*r.

With pleasure.

But what jury would
believe my testimony?

Well we have
something else in mind.

[SWEDISH ACCENT] Hello.

What are you doing here?

I came to see you.

Hm. More sailing lessons?

Oh, you make fun of me

because I don't
have my sea legs yet.

I don't see anything
wrong with them.

Thank you.

I am so lonely, now that
my husband, Rolf, is gone.

Yeah?

Would you have lunch with me?

Well, I don't know.

I was thinking of
taking the afternoon off.

Working my way up the
coast to Frisco, or something.

Oh, please!

I have been thinking
about what you ask!

About the loan for
this beautiful boat.

Yeah?

We could talk
about it in my room...

Over lunch?

Okay. I guess Frisco can wait.

Uh, how come you live
here? At the Seawave?

Oh, I like it.

Don't you think it's nice?

Oh, sure, it's nice.

Why don't you call the
room service. I will change.

[SCREAMING]

You come back with my yade!

You... It is you...

You watch him! I
go get the police!

No! Don't! Don't!

No, hold it a second. I
gotta think this through.

But the police!

No. Oh, no. No police.

I don't understand.

Do you remember that woman

that was k*lled here
a couple weeks ago?

Julie Redmond?

He did it. I saw him.

That's right, I did it.

Get away from that window.

I'm sorry you had to give
our little secret away, chum.

Because now I got
to take you both out.

But you first.

You know I had
nightmares about you

hanging outside that
window like a big black spider.

But no more.

No more...

[g*nsh*t]

[g*n CLICKS]

We got it all on tape
in the room next door.

Blanks and all.

[CAR HONKING]

[CAR HONKING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

What took you so long?

SABRINA: Yes, thank you
very much. Yes, goodbye.

Well, Mrs. Machlin,
the police have agreed

to escort you to the
station in an unmarked car.

Oh, thank you for that, my dear.

Our neighbors will know
soon enough what we've done,

but if they were to
see me in custody.

That's all right. We understand.

Can I ask you one question?

KELLY: Sure.

What's your real name?

Garrett. Kelly Garrett.

I'm sorry that things worked
out the way they did, Kelly.

So am I.

My son has always had
bad luck with women.

I can't tell you how happy I am!
You've all done a wonderful job!

Well, thank you very much.

Hello? Bosley?

I have a truck outside.

I've come for my jade!