04x16 - Tails of Woe/Last Loud on Earth

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Loud House". Aired: May 2, 2016 - present.*
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Series revolves around the chaotic everyday life of a boy named Lincoln Loud, who is the middle child and only son in a large family of 11 children.
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04x16 - Tails of Woe/Last Loud on Earth

Post by bunniefuu »

- ♪ Crashing through
the crowded halls ♪

♪ Dodging girls
like Ping-Pong balls ♪

♪ Just to reach the bathroom
on time ♪

♪ Leaping over laundry piles

♪ Diapers you can smell
for miles ♪

♪ Guy's got to do
what he can to survive ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house

♪ In the Loud house

- ♪ Duck, dodge, push,
and shove ♪

♪ Is how we show our love

- ♪ In the Loud house,
in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ One boy and ten girls

♪ Wouldn't trade it
for the world ♪

- ♪ Loud Loud Loud

♪ Loud house

- Poo-poo.

[dramatic music]



- [snoring]

- Hey guys,
ready for Friday Share?

- Heck yes!

I brought my dream journal
to read excerpts from.

- And I brought
my prize piglet!

- Aww,
I blanked on the assignment

till like two minutes ago

and grabbed a random takeout
menu by the door, so...

- I brought this
sweet portrait

I commissioned
on the boardwalk.

Really captured
my rugged essence.

- Well, can't lie,

I'm pretty excited
about my Friday share.

[music box lullaby plays]
all: Ooh!

Whoa!

- My granny and I found it
at the flea market.

It was broken and rusted shut,

but she's a total wizard
and helped me fix it.

- Bet you're really regretting
that takeout menu now, huh?

- Feeling bold?

Try Giovanni Chang's
penne a la eggroll.

Need delivery?
It's F-R-E-E free, baby!

Thank you.

- Hmm, you get a C
for preparedness,

but an A for improv,
so a B.

- Score!
- All right, Ms. Stella,

what do you have to share
with us today?

- [gasps]
I can't find it!

- Did everyone forget
this assignment?

- No, I had it on the bus,I swear.

- She did, she did!
- It was sick!

- There's this elephant
that dances like this.

- Okay, okay, I believe you!

We'll get to you next Friday.

- But where did it go?

[pig oinks]
- Stells.

Hey, Stells, trade you my
delicious cold fish soup

for that lame toasted
meatball sub.

- Huh?
Sure, whatever.

[whistle blows]

- As trade commissioner,

I have to point out
this is a terrible deal.

- Thanks, Clyde.

Sorry, I just can't stop
thinking about my music box.

What could've happened to it?

- Uh, I don't wanna be
that guy,

but maybe the RatBeast
took it.

[all gasp]

- Don't even joke, man!
- What are you talking about?

[suspenseful music]

- It's a Royal Woods
Elementary legend.

It all began one fateful day
in the school science lab.

An experiment
went badly wrong.

- And a cage full of lab rats

mutated into one giant,
hideous creature.

- With glowing green eyes,
razor sharp fangs,

and too many slimy
pink tails to count.

all: The RatBeast!

- That's when things started
going missing.

- And people started hearing
strange sounds in the halls.

- And haven't you noticed
the weird smell in the vents?

Kinda like...
- [gasps] Corn chips?

- Yeah-huh.
That's the beast.

- Has anyone tried
to track it down?

- Nuh-uh.

It swiped my harmonica,
but it's welcome to keep it.

I'm not looking
to tussle with a mutant.

- Well, I'm not giving up
my music box.

I'm finding the RatBeast!

- We'll help.

[whistling]
- Hmm...

- Come on, Stella's our friend.

We can't let her do this alone.

- [sighs] Fine.
- You're right.

- Aw, thanks, guys!

Let's start gathering
some intel!

- Tell me everything you know.

- The RatBeast
swiped my gold hoops

when I took them off
for dodgeball.

- Yeah, I heard that thing
in the band room.

It stole my lucky
Canadian penny!

- One time, when Principal
Huggins was chewing me out,

I saw two of its gnarly tails
in the air vent!

- Thanks, Hassan!

Great, there's recess.
Let's go check out our leads.

- [chuckles]
- Come on, let's go.

- Girl Jordan had her earrings
swiped in here.

Keep your eyes peeled
for any signs of the beast.

Claw marks, squeaking.
[both sniffing]

both:
[gasps] Corn chips?

- The smell is coming
from here!

- Oh, yeah, yeah!

Feel it!Work it!

[pants rip, yells]
- Oh.

- This is my free period!
I can do what I like!

both: Sorry, Coach P.!

- I guess that smell wasn't
the RatBeast...

[both groan]

- Check out this sweet axe!

- You don't even know
how to play it.

- Says who?
[door creaks]

- [gasps]
- The RatBeast!

You go!

- No, you!
You're taller!

[both shivering]

- Glad you boys are here.

You can help me scrape
the gum off the music stands.

[boys groan]

- Hmm.
Paperwork done.

Principal Huggins
is at the barber.

Maybe I can slip away
for a latte

and some Cheryl time.

- Okay, Hassan said he saw
the RatBeast's tail

in the air vent!

- Hmm, uh, nothing
but dust bunnies in here.

- Liam, look!
Two of its tails.

[both yell, groan]

- [gasps]
What are you boys doing?

Oh, y'all found my lanyard!

Can't get
my administrator discount

at The Burnt Bean
without it!

- Hey, any luck?

- Naw.
Skunked.

- Us too.

- Same here.
- Crud!

Recess is almost over and our
leads have turned up nothing.

Guess we better
get to class.

We'll get detention
if we're caught in the halls

after the bell rings.

Thanks anyway, guys.

- Well, we tried, but I guess
this search is officially over.

[music box lullaby plays]

- My music box.
It's inside the wall.

- The RatBeast must
have it with him!

- And he's on the move!
C'mon!

- [groans]

[all panting,
school bell rings]

- Dang it!
- Keep going!

It's headed
for the basement!

- [gasps]
Duck!

- It's the RatBeast.

- No, that's just
Principal Wiggins.

I mean, Huggins
with a new hairpiece.

- We need to get
to the basement.

- Zach, do you have that
takeout menu with you?

- Yeah, you hungry?
- I could eat.

- No, I have a plan.

Here it goes.

- Great throw, Lincoln!
Let's go!

- [groans]
- Is that mirror up for grabs?

[groans, thudding]

- [sniffing]
Smell that?

The RatBeast is down there,
and so is my music box.

[knuckles cr*ck]
Let's do this!

- Honestly, corn chips
are ruined for me after this.

- Guys, I just remembered
I have, a, uh, piano lesson.

- No, you don't.
Those are on Thursdays.

- Maybe it moved.
You don't know!

- Look!
[all gasp]

- The creature!
- Let's get him!

[all yell]

[all panting]

[all yell]

all: Norm?

- Gracious me!

What are you kids
doing down here?

[overlapping chatter]

- We're looking
for the RatBeast.

- The what?

- Big mutant rat,
vicious fangs.

- Terrorizes the school,
smells like corn chips.

- It's got my music box.

We followed the sound of it
down here,

- A mutant rat?
In my school?

Not on Norm's watch.

You kids go back upstairs
where it's safe,

and leave the beast to me.

- Well, that's
a very kind offer.

We'll take ya up on that!

- Sorry, Norm, but I can't
leave without my music box.

- All right,
let's split up then.

You take the east wing,
I'll take the west.

- Should one of us go
with Norm?

What if the RatBeast
corners him?

- Norm knows this basement
better than anyone.

There's no way that monster
will get the jump on him.

- [yells]
Back, you beast!

- We're coming, Norm!
- [groans]

[yells]
Take that and that!

- Norm, are you okay?

- Stay back!
This thing is vicious!

- We have to help him!

- I'm not going in there.
- No, thank you.

- Well,
somebody has to be a hero.

This is a job
for Rusty Spokes!

- Norm!
- Are you all right?

- [groans]
- I got the beast.

You don't want to go in there.
It's pretty gruesome.

- Wow.
Thank you, Norm.

- Did it have Stella's
music box?

- No, I'm sorry.

But don't worry, if it's down
here, I'll find it.

In the meantime, let's get
you kids back upstairs.

[clattering, all gasp]
- What was that?

- The RatBeast!

- I thought Norm
already got him!

- Give me back
my music box, you monster!

[overlapping cheering]

- Wait!

[mouse squeaks]
All: Huh?

- I can explain.

This little fella
is your RatBeast.

- Then who were you fighting
in the closet?

- No one.

I was just play-acting
so you kids would go away.

I didn't want you to find out
about Cinnamon here.

He and I go way back.

He used to live in
the school science lab.

Aw, he was great company
on the late shift.

[laughs]

But one fateful night,
we were having such a ball,

I forgot to lock
the supply closet!

And the next day...

[clatters]
[gasps]

I don't know what
he got into in there,

but he came back out
like this.

A freak of nature!
Not to me, of course.

But I was afraid that
scientists would want

to take him away to be studied.

So I hid him down here
in the basement,

with a steady supply of his
favorite snack--corn chips!

I've been able to keep him
a secret for ten whole years.

- Well, not exactly.

- He's been stealing
kids' stuff all over school.

- He took my music box
from my backpack.

- Cinnamon Bartholomew,
is this true?

- My music box!

[music box lullaby plays]

- Oh, I can't believe you,
buddy.

You are going to have to return
everything you've taken,

and write apology notes!

[sighs] I'm sorry
about all the trouble.

I just wanted
to look out for my friend.

- I get that.

Same way these guys
looked out for me.

- So you think you could
maybe keep this a secret?

- Wow, I never thought
I'd see these again!

Did you have to fight
the RatBeast for them?

- No, we searched
the whole school,

and I'm pretty sure
it was all a hoax.

- We did find tons
of missing stuff, though.

If you see Mollie,

tell her we've got
her lucky Canadian penny.

- Ooh, so exotic!

I'll let her know.
Thanks again.

- See ya!
- Bye!

[whistle blows]

- Shall we commence
the daily lunch swap?

- Ooh, corn chips!
Trade you my mustard sandwich.

- Sorry, Rusty.
These are spoken for.

[babbles, squeaking]

Here you go, bud!
[giggles]

[electronic music]



- [pants]

[zombies moaning]

- More zombies!

Better put a little distance
between us.

[suspenseful music]



[zombies snarling]

- [strains]

Well, Goldie, looks like
we just gave ourselves

a new leash on life.

[barks]

- Colonel Austin
is such a boss!

Taking out zombies
and lightening the mood.

- "Swarm of the Zombies" will
return after these messages.

And stick around,
the all-night movie marathon

continues with parts two
through five.

- We're not going anywhere.

- All right,
my little zombieheads.

Let's go, time for bed.

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, Dad.

Come on, Clyde.
- Wait, what?

- I said, it's time--wow, that
was easier than I expected.

Oh, wait, Clyde,
I promised your Dads

a time-stamped picture of you
on your way to bed.

Here we go.

- I can't believe you gave up
so fast, Lincoln.

I was expecting
a big protest with slides

and maybe even some
well-timed tears.

- No need for that,
my friend,

because I knew
this would happen,

and I have a back-up plan.

We're gonna sneak out and watch
the rest of the marathon

in Lisa's bunker.

- Great idea,

but how are we going to break
through her security system?

- Oh, please.
The code is her birthday.

Lisa may be a genius,

but she's terrible
at creating passcodes.

[suspenseful music]

- And now back to

"Swarm of the Zombies
Part Two: Runaway Brain."

- We may not be able
to stop these freaks,

but we can slow them down.

[zombie snarls, groan]

- We now return to
"Part : Brain Man."

- [strains]
Don't worry!

No one's getting into
our secret hideout, Goldie!

[dog barks]

- Hey, zombies,
got some fresh brains for you!

Skull to table!

[zombies snarl]

- Now back to
"Part Four: Citizen Brain."

[zombies snarl, yell]

- And now back
to the exciting conclusion

of "Part : Nothing Ventured,
Nothing Brained."

[zombies snarl, groan]

- Wanna do the honors,
Goldie?

[dog barks, beeping]

[zombies yell]

- Yeah!
- I knew they could do it!

[alarm beeps]
Ooh, it's : a.m.

We better sneak back up
to my room.

[suspenseful music]

- Oh, good.
No one's up yet.



Hmm.
I guess they are up.

- Pretty early
for a Saturday, isn't it?

- I wonder where they are.

Mom?
Dad?

They're gone, too?
I better call them.

[phone beeps]
Hmm, no service.

- No electricity, either.



- This is weird.Come on.
- [pants]

- Mr. Grouse?

- His place is empty too.

And it looks like he left
in a hurry.

[both panting]



- Hmm, empty houses,
abandoned streets, no power.

If I didn't know better,

I'd swear we woke up
in a zombie apocalypse.

- Ha, that's funny.
It does kinda look like it.

The only thing missing
is an actual--

[gasps, zombie groans]

both: Zombie!
- Run!

- [pants]

We lost it, but who knows
how many more are out here?

[gasps] Do you think
they got our families?

- I doubt it.

Lynn's a black belt
and Lola's a biter.

- Yeah, and my dads
are really tough.

They once fought off
angry shoppers

for an antique candelabra.

- Listen, Clyde,
we knew this day would come.

Right now, let's get
to our secret hideout

for supplies
and zombie-fighting gear.

- Good call!
both: Clincoln McCloud!

[both pant, grunt]



[both grunt]

- Mind if we stop
at the Burpin' Burger?

I need to use the bathroom.

I know it's
for paying customers,

but I really have to go.

- It's the apocalypse, Clyde.

I think that rule
is out the window.

- Huh, looks like everyone
left here in a hurry too.

- Or were att*cked by zombies!

Clyde?

[ zombie moans]
The zombies.

- Never mind!
I'll pee later!

- Remember what
Colonel Austin said?

We might not
be able to stop them,

but we can slow 'em down.

[dramatic music]

[both grunting]

[zombie moans]

- Clincoln.
- McCloud.

[both mimic expl*si*n]

[both pant]

- Okay, Flip's looks
zombie-free.

Grab what you can!

I put a ton of cheese and
crackers in our secret hideout,

but that was, like,
five years ago.

- Freeze, bozos!

There are no freebies
in Flip's house!

both: Flip!
- He's alive!

- Freeze, bozos!
both: Huh?

- There are no freebies
in Flip's house!

- Do you think
the zombies got him?

- I hope not.

He's got the secret recipe
for Flippees.

- [groaning, gasps]

- [moaning]

[both grunt, groaning]

- Eat congealed cheese,
zombie!

[dramatic music]

[both grunt]

- Quick,
into the secret hideout!

- [groans]

[radio tuning, yells]

- Ooh, I think
we've got something.

- This is Mayor Davis.

If there are any stragglers
out there,

I urge you to please
come to the mall.

- Lincoln, Clyde,
she's talking to you!

Get your butts down here!

- Lola!
Give that back to the mayor!

- Yes!
- Our families are okay!

Now we just need
to get to them.

- Clyde, wait!
[zombies moaning]

- More zombies?

What do we do?
I know!

Throw our spiciest jerky at 'em
and give 'em heartburn.

- Or we borrow another move
from Colonel Austin!

[yells]

[zombies moan]

- Fresh brains over here!

And you're gonna wanna
munch on mine.

I just aced my math test!

[zombies moan]

- Let's move!

Good job on that test,
by the way.

I know you studied
really hard.

[both grunting and panting]

[zombie moans]
- Another zombie!

We gotta lose it
or we'll be leading it

straight to our families!

- Quick, grab a branch!
[both strain]

Now!

[zombie yells]

- Zombs away.

[suspenseful music]

[zombie growls, yelling]

- Quick,
open that freezer door!

[strains]

[zombie moans, yells]

- Let's get to the mall!

both: Whoa!

[zombies snarling]

- Even more zombies?

It's like they're multiplying!

- Come on, I've got an idea.

[zombie babbles]

[zombie moans]

Time to take out the trash!

[both yell]

[zombies yell]

C'mon, let's go!

- Good thing we kept backup
clothes in the secret hideout.

- Yeah, but I wish
I hadn't gone so formal.

- [groans]

There's the mall!
We made it!

[zombies yell]

[both yell]

- Dang it!

We forgot the roundabout
at Fourth and Maple!

[zombies yell]

- Oh, no!
We've doomed our families!

- It's not too late.

We can still stop them
from getting inside.

Let's gear up.

- Right.
Brain protectors!

- Here goes everything.

[both scream]

[zombies grunt, screaming]

[zombie roars]

- We're out of juice!
- Forget the blasters.

Hand to hand combat!

[both yelling]

- Lincoln!
Clyde!

You're hurting your fathers!

both: Huh?
[groaning]

[both gasp]

- Sorry, Dad!
- Sorry, Dads!

We thought you were zombies!

We've been fighting them
all day.

- [raspy voice]
No, you haven't.

You've been fighting us!

both: What?

- We've been trying
to find you.

See, there was
a big storm last night.

[thunder roars]

- This is Mayor Davis.

I urge all citizens of Royal
Woods to evacuate to the mall.

We have supplies
and a generator,

so you can wait out
the storm there.

[sound test beep]

- I can't find Lincoln
and Clyde!

Take the girls to the mall.

The McBrides and I
will find the boys.

We been chasing you boys
all over town!

Yelling our voices out!

- So all the zombies
we thought we att*cked

were really you guys?

- Got the bruises to prove it.
- Ask my tooth.

- Wow.
We're really sorry.

- So, where were you
during the storm?

- Uh...
[chuckles]

Watching the
"Swarm of the Zombies" marathon

in Lisa's bunker.

- What? Impossible!
How did you cr*ck my passcode?

all: It's your birthday!
- Dang it!

- Normally, we would punish
you for sneaking out

of the house like that,

but I think you've
been through enough today.

- They've been through enough?

I've got melted cheese
everywhere!

- We're really sorry
about that, Dad.

- And the ice
at the grocery store.

- And the branches
at the park.

- And the garbage can
at the Burpin' Burger.

- I didn't go
to the Burpin' Burger.

- Neither did I.
- Neither did I.

[suspenseful music]

[munching, groaning]

[belch]

- Oh, yeah!
Free burgers!

They might be cold,
but Flip ain't complaining!

[moaning]

- ♪ Cramped inside
this tiny space ♪

♪ May sound bad
but ain't the case ♪

♪ In the Loud house
- ♪ Loud house

- ♪ Duck and dodge
and push and shove ♪

♪ That's the way we show
our love in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Loud house

♪ Laundry piles
stacked up high ♪

♪ Hand-me-downs
that make me cry ♪

♪ Stand in line
to take a pee ♪

♪ Never any privacy

♪ Chaos with kids

♪ That's the way
it always is ♪

♪ In the Loud house

[jingle]
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