04x36 & 04x37 - Sand Hassles/Wheel and Deal

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Loud House". Aired: May 2, 2016 - present.*
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Series revolves around the chaotic everyday life of a boy named Lincoln Loud, who is the middle child and only son in a large family of 11 children.
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04x36 & 04x37 - Sand Hassles/Wheel and Deal

Post by bunniefuu »

- ♪ Crashing through
the crowded halls ♪

♪ Dodging girls
like Ping-Pong balls ♪

♪ Just to reach the bathroom
on time ♪

♪ Leaping over laundry piles

♪ Diapers you can smell
for miles ♪

♪ Guy's got to do
what he can to survive ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house

♪ In the Loud house

- ♪ Duck, dodge, push,
and shove ♪

♪ Is how we show our love

- ♪ In the Loud house,
in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ One boy and ten girls

♪ Wouldn't trade it
for the world ♪

- ♪ Loud Loud Loud

♪ Loud house

- Poo-poo.

[energetic music]



[video game sounds]

- Oh gotta watch out
for that.

Ah!
Lincoln, look out!

Road cow!

- Turbo-tastic, player one!

You crushed the time
for this track.

Way to stay safe,
player two.

You obeyed all the rules
of the road.

- Yes!
That's what I'm talking about.

- Nice going, Clyde.
- You too, bud.

Ah!

- Lana, how long have you been
in there?

- Long enough to see
what a good driver you are

and to find
this old doughnut.

[frog ribbits]

Lincoln, how'd you like
to put those driving skills

to the test in real life

and help your favorite sister
impress her hero?

- "Sign up now for the Royal
Woods Go-Kart Grand Prix."

First prize is a ride
with superstar racer...

both: Bobbie Fletcher.

- [sighs]
I've been dreaming about it

all week.

[car horn honks]
Huh?

- Hey, Lana.
Ready for our ride?

- Hop in!

- I don't care if I'm dreaming.
Nobody pinch me.



- Buckle up.

- Let's fly!

- That's why I'm scouting you
as my co-driver.

I need the best.

- Well, I am a pro at driving
super-fast virtual cars.

What kind of ride
are we working with?

- Presenting Loud Lightning!

- Lana, that's a bathtub,

and are those
Lily's old stroller wheels?

- Don't focus
on what it is, Linc.

Focus on what it will be!

- Okay.

Eh, I'm still just seeing
a bathtub.

Hey, why don't we soup up

Lola's old princess jeep
instead?

That's something humans
are actually meant to drive.

- Pshaw, that would
totally violate

the spirit of the race.

A true racer builds
her own car from scratch.

That's what
Bobbie Fletcher does,

and that's what I'm going
to do, too.

- But this thing
doesn't even have an engine.

- Not yet,

but thanks to my connections

down at the scrapyard,

that is gonna change.

We'll make this tub purr
in no time.

[upbeat music]

[straining]



- Wow, this thing is starting
to look like an actual car.

- It's gonna drive
like one, too.

Let's take it for a spin.
Buckle up.

- The feather boa seat belts
were a nice touch.

- Thanks.
Now let's get out of here

before Lola realizes
they're gone.

- I'm telling you, Clyde,

the competition
doesn't stand a chance.

against Loud Lightning.

- I feel sorry for them.

[engine roars loudly]
Whoa!

[dramatic music]

I retract that.

- How the heck did those kids
build them?

We gotta get
to the bottom of this.

Hey, Chandler.
Nice ride.

What kind of engine
did you install

on this bad boy?

V ? V ?
V ?

- [sighs]
I don't know.

We just bought it.

Uh, did you weirdos
just come out of that bush?

- Never mind that.
What about building your car

from scratch,
like Bobbie Fletcher?

- [laughs]
Who's got time for that?

- But don't you care
about the spirit of the race?

- Uh, news flash.
We just care about winning.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I think you have some dust
to eat.

- [coughing]

Lana, you need to see this.
- Hang on!

Tweaking an axle.
There.

I'm one step closer to that
ride with Bobbie Fletcher.

Oh, I made something
for you.

- [grunts]
- Loud Lightning helmets.

I even made one for Bobbie!

She and I can wear them
everywhere:

the movies, the racetrack,
the Burpin' Burger.

- Look, Lana,
I've seen the competition.

They're all driving

crazy fancy cars
from this catalog.

Maybe we should too,
just to be safe.

- Pssh, we can't worry
about what others are doing.

Loud Lightning has got this.

- Does it, though?

Just leaf through the catalog.

I circled some models
you might like.

If we get a loan from Lola--

hey, you didn't even open it.

- Don't need to.
I have faith in our car.

I know Loud Lightning
can win this thing.

Charles, you little scamp.

get back here
with our steering wheel.

- Ugh.

[both quaver]

- Ah, we'll never b*at
their time.

- Well, that's the last time
I let you borrow my stopwatch.

- Oh, sorry, Clyde.

It's not fair at all.

Lana worked harder on her car
than anyone else,

and now
she's gonna be humiliated

in front of her hero.

[laughter and jeering]

[somber music]

- But--but I'm the only one
who built my own car.

- But you lost,

and Bobbie Fletcher
only rides with winners.



- Sorry, kid.



- [whimpers]

- No, Lana is not going down
like that.

If everyone else
is gonna cut corners,

so can we.
But I'll need help--

a lot of help.

- Eh, I don't know.

- Mm, it's not so much cheating

as it is giving Lana

a fair chance
over the cheaters.

- Hmm.
I'll rally the troops.

- Welcome to the Royal Woods
Go-Kart Grand Prix.

Racers, to the starting line.

- Team Loud, Team Loud!

- Hey, those are
my feather boas!

- You're seriously drivingthat?

It looks like you made it
yourself.

- Uh, yeah, we did.

- [laughs]

- You just wait
till the race starts, punk!

You're gonna eat their dust!

An-nan-nan-nan-nan!
- [whimpers]

- We got this, Lans.

- Glad you finally believe
in Loud Lightning.

- What can I say?

I've just got a feeling
things are gonna go our way.

[stealthy music]

[quietly] Everyone in position?

- Affirmative!
- Yeehaw!

- Let's do this.

- Let's all give
a warm welcome

to our guest of honor,

Bobbie Fletcher!

- [gasps]
There she is.

Right.
Okay, Lans, focus.

- Fire up those engines, folks.

First one around
the Royal Woods raceway

will be the winner!

On your mark,
get set, go!

[energetic music]



- Go for Operation Cone Zone.



- Detour?
Has that always been here?

- Yep.
It's right here

on the race map.

Eyes on the road, Lans.



Ooh-whoo!
Nothing can stop us now!



- And we're stopping.

- Come on, Loud Lightning.
You got this.

- Go for Operation Magna-Boost.



- Yeah!

I knew my baby
could do it.

- Shh.

- [gasps]

[quietly] Yeah!

[muffled grunting]

Whoa!

[wearily] I'm okay...



- Eh, go
for Operation Pig Parade.

- Showtime, y'all.Soo-ee!
[pigs squealing]

- We're so close
to the other cars,

I can smell them.

[sniffs]
Wait, that's not exhaust.

That smells like...

[gasps]
Mud!

Sweet, sweet mud!

- Not now, Lana.
This is our chance.

g*n it for that ramp!

- Right, right.



both: Whoo-hoo!
- Yeah!



The finish line
is just ahead.

We can't let them
pass us now.

- Relax.
They won't.

I've been saving
my secret w*apon

for the home stretch.

We're going turbo!

I said turbo!

Go turbo!

- Go for Operation Wingman.



[drones buzzing]

- Turbo boost!

We can win this!
What's that buzzing sound?

- Uh, nothing.
Watch the road.

- Drones?

What the heck's
going on here?

- I'm just as baffled
as you.

Where could those
have come from?

[laughs weakly]

[brakes squeal]

- Cut the bologna.
You're making us cheat!

[gasps]

And you've been doing this
the whole time!

All the weird stuff
that happened during the race--

it's been you!

- Lana, you don't--
- Zip it, Lincoln!

You're fired
as my co-driver.

- Whoa!
[grunts]

- Come on, Hops.

Let's go do this
the right way.

- Lana, wait, please!
I'm sorry!

I was just trying
to level the playing field.

The race was never going
to be fair

with all those store-bought
cars.

- How many times
do I have to tell you?

I don't care
about those other cars.

- But I thought
you wanted to win.

- Yeah, but not like that.

I wanted to win
like a true racer, like Bobbie,

and that's why
I'm starting over.

- That's really honorable.

I should've let you
do the race your way

in the first place.

- I get it.

You were trying to be
a good big brother.

- So, uh, you still need
a co-driver?

- Hop in!

[upbeat music]

All right, let's do this!

- Whoa!

- Hops.

- [croaks]

- We finally made it.

Too bad no one's awake

to see us cross
the finish line.

- I am!
[both gasp]

- Congratulations.

I gotta say, I'm impressed.

You're the only team
who built their own car.

In fact, I'd love to take it
for a spin.

- O-of course, Bobbie!

But wait.
I made you something.

- Wow!
I love it.

I could wear this everywhere:

the movies, the racetrack,
the Burpin' Burger.

Whoo!
Let's ride.

- Get ready to burn
some rubber!

- Oof!

- [laughs]Oops.
- Don't sweat it, Lana.

My first car broke down
all the time, too.

Want some help with repairs?

- Oh, that'd be great!

- I love a happy ending!

[upbeat rock music]



[cowbell ringing]

- [sniffs]
What's that smell?

- Oh, I just put on
a fresh coat.

- I have a few things
decomposing.

- Ah, just airing out the dogs.

- Um, okay.
Well, it's not Leni's nails,

or rotting flesh...
[gags]

It's definitely not feet.
This smell is...

[sniffs] Divine.

Huh?
[moaning]

Luana Banana, it's you?

- Oh, hey, Dad.

- Is that
a Monte Cristo sandwich

on brioche?

- Oh, I messed it up.

It's supposed to be on bread.

- No!
[grunts]

Oh, no.
Brioche is bread.

It's French.
Hey, what's the occasion?

Wait, this isn't
a trick sandwich, is it?

- [sighs] No.

We picked electives in school,

and I got locked out
of my top two choices:

Advanced Punning

and To Hee-Hee
or Not to Hee-Hee:

The Philosophical Joke
and You,

and now I'm stuck
taking Intro to Cooking,

and I can't imagine
a more boring class.

- And I can't imagine
a more delicious sandwich.

Luan, you have
some real talent.

- Really?
I don't know much about food.

Comedy is more
my bread and butter.

[laughs]Get it?

- [laughs]
Good one, honey.

Actually, cooking is
a lot like comedy,

a balance of creativity
and performance.

Just give me a chance
to show you

how much fun
cooking can be.

It's always been my dream
to share my passion

with one of you kids.

- What do you have to lose?

- I'm in!

- Whoo-hoo!

- Egh!
Say it, don't spray it, pal!

- Here we go.
Matching chef hats.

You gotta look good
to cook good.

- Hey, what about me?

- Okay.
Uh...

There you go.
Now, let's see that syllabus.

Ah, yes.
First assignment: eggs,

the versatile rock star
of the food world.

You can boil them, poach them,
fry them, shirr them,

quiche them,
Scotch them, Benedict them.

- [groans]

- And always remember,
it's okay to...

yolk around
in the kitchen.

[scatting]
No--don't!

[groans]

- [laughs]

- There it is.

I knew I'd get you
to cr*ck a smile.

[laughs]
Go ahead, give it a fry.

[upbeat music]



- So how'd I do?

- [gasps]

I've always wondered
how I'd look in egg.

[sniffs]
It's just...

It's just more beautiful
than I ever imagined.

[both gasp]
Bad Charles!

Stop eating my face!

[light music]

Wow, honey.
Impressive Kn*fe work.

Swift but safe.

Hold on there.
A good chef

always inspects
her crudité platter.



- Ah!

- It's a finger food.Get it?

[both laugh]
- Well, aren't you a fungi?

- Mmm.
Ugh.

That one had some dirt on it.

- Finished the lava cake.

- Well, it's got the four Cs
of a great cake:

chocolate, chocolate,
chocolate, and creativity.

[rumbling sound]
Um...

Honey, how much baking powder
did you use?

- Oh, I'm not sure.

You made a pun,
and I got distracted.

- [whistles]
Ah!

- Oh, no
Sorry, Dad.

- Mmm, mmm.
No, Luan, I lava it!

Happy accidents in the kitchen
are part of the fun.



- Final exam.

Cooking dinner
for ten or more people.

- Oh, an entire dinner.

That seems intense.

- Intense, but fun.

The best part of being a chef

is bringing others joy
with your food,

and I've got
the perfect dish.

- Pasta, clams, butter...

[gasps]
Geo?

Dad, we can't cook our hamster!

- What?No, no.
Scram, Geo.

It's my famous Lynn-guine,

the first dish
I ever served anyone.

And now it's your turn.

- You really think
I can pull it off?

- Of course!
And besides,

who better to test
your chops on

than your own loving,
supportive family?

[all clamoring]

- I'm getting hangry!

- Quiet down in there.

[sighs]
You got this, kiddo.

- Oh...
- Mmm!

- Okay, what you have
in front of you

is Dad's famous Lynn-guine
and clams.

It's prepared al dente
in a beurre blanc sauce

and finished with just a hint
of parsley.

Bon appétit.

[suspenseful music]

- [yowls]



[all talking agreeably]
- That was delicious.

both: [gasps]
Whoo-hoo!

- Hooray!
- Whoo, whoo!

Oh, you crushed it!

[upbeat music]

- Oh, man.
You were right, Dad!

Seeing those empty plates
and happy faces

is making me feel so warm.

- Oh, honey, that me--

oh, that might be
because the oven's still on.

- No, no, I mean it!

That felt almost as good

as getting a big laugh
on stage!

I'm kind of bummed
my elective is over.

I've had so much fun
cooking with you, Dad.

- Oh!
Well, I'm glad to hear that,

'cause the fun
doesn't have to end.

- [laughs]
Lynn and Luan's Table?

- Yeah!
That's right, honey.

I want you to carry on
the Loud legacy

and take over
the restaurant someday.

- What, me?
No.

Who, me?
Really?

- Oh, I can see it now!

You and me taking
the restaurant world by storm,

cracking jokes and yolks,

making puns and buns.

- Well, I have been having
a lot of fun.

- And there's so much more
to be had.

- Hmm, let's do it!

- Oh, it's happening!
This might be

the happiest moment of my life!

- [laughs]

- Oh, get in here,
you big dummy!



- [snores]
[gong rings]

Ah! Luna!
I thought we made

a roommate pact.
I don't dip your hand

in warm water
while you're sleeping

and you don't play your gong
after : p.m.

- Wasn't me, dude.
[gong rings]



- Dad?
What are you doing?

- Maybe he's sleep-gonging.

- A good chef rises early

to source
the freshest ingredients.

- But it's--
- Fun, right?

All good practice for when
you take over the restaurant.

Wait till you meet
our fish lady.

You're gonna love her!

- Oh...

- It's all about the flaws.

- [gasps]
[sniffs]

Oh, yeah.
That's the good stuff, Deb.

Grab a sniff of the ocean,
Luan.

- [snoring]
Oof!

[frantic music]

- Uh...
- Fluffier.

- Uh...
- Fluffier!

- Ah!
- Fluffier!

- [yells]

All right, Dad.
We need to talk.

- [humming]
Oh, we sure do.

Honey, this sauce is amazing!

I think we've found ourselves
a new menu item.

- But--
- Hang on.

I gotta call my sauce guy.

Hey, Mikey Marinara!

You're never gonna believe
what my daughter made!

- [wearily] Oh.

[school bell rings]

- I've really been
getting into--

- Hey, honey!
- [gasps] Dad!

[laughs weakly]
What are you doing here?

- I brought lunch!

- But I already have lunch.

- Oh, you can't be eating
basic PB&Js.

If you're gonna take over
the restaurant,

you need to work
on refining your palate.

Okay, I got Limburger cheese.

[all groaning]

- A main course
of boeuf bourguignon...

- Ah!
- Oh!

- And don't worry.
I brought dessert.

It's an oldie but a goodie.
It's baked Alaska.

Well, almost.
[chuckles]

[yelps]

[fire alarm beeping]

[light jazz riff]

- [sighs]

Oh, Mr. Coconuts.

Keep this between us,

but I don't want
to cook anymore.

Dad's kind of taken
all the fun out of it,

and I don't know
how to tell him that.

He's just so happy,
you know?

Mr. Coconuts?

[dramatic music]

[gasps]

Lincoln, have you seen
this funny man?

Two feet tall, orange hair,
has a real ear for punchlines.

- I know Mr. Coconuts, Luan,

but sorry,
don't know where he is.

- Oh.

So you haven't seen him,

and you also have a poo-poo.

- Mm-hmm.

- Ugh.

Luna!
Have you seen Mr. Coconuts?

- Actually, no,
and if I'm being honest,

it's been kind of nice.

- [whistling]
- Lock down the house!

Call the cops!
File a missing persons report.

Mr. Coconuts
is officially MIA!

- Oh, honey, relax.

Mr. Coconuts is fine.

Yeah, I put him into storage.

- Huh?
Wait, why would you do that?

- Luan, when I decided
to dedicate my life to food,

I didn't touch a cowbell
for months!

Comedy can wait.
You need to focus on cooking

if you're gonna take over
the restaurant.

- Dad...
- Of course, first,

you're gonna have to attend

the Culinary Institute
of Michigan,

but someone with your talent
should breeze right through.

- [teeth gritted] Dad...
- After that,

it's on to an apprenticeship.

Maybe you can go
somewhere fun, like Paris.

Oh!
Or Kansas City.

I heard they're doing great
stuff with ribs down there.

- [growling]

- But after that,
you can take over--

- I'm not taking over
the restaurant!

- Oh, don't give me that look.

I was just helping to nurture
Luan's talent.

[sighs]
Oh, you're right.

What have I done?
I need to fix this.

[knock at door]

- Come in, I guess.

- I made
apology apple turnovers.

- Hmm.
They're underbaked.

- Ouch.
I deserved that.

But I had a long talk
with my new sous chef

and realized something.

I kind of took the fun
out of cooking

by laying on the pressure
a little too thick.

- You think?

- It wasn't fair of me to force
my dreams onto you, sweetie.

It's just, none of you guys
have ever taken an interest

in my passion.
I got carried away.

Let's just forget
about the restaurant for now.

- You were excited, Dad.
I get it.

Apology apple turnovers
accepted.

Now how about you and me

tag-team a family dinnertonight?

- I promise to be a fungi
and not a pressure cooker.

[laughs]
- I'm game.

Wait, who's
this wise new sous chef

giving you
all this great advice?

- Meet the newest member
of the Loud cooking family.

- [gasps]
Oh!

- He came highly recommended.

- And I can really dice
and slice.

- Shall we get back
to having fun?

I think we make
a great...pear.

- You butter believe it.

[both laugh]

- ♪ Cramped inside
this tiny space ♪

♪ May sound bad
but ain't the case ♪

♪ In the Loud house
- ♪ Loud house

- ♪ Duck and dodge
and push and shove ♪

♪ That's the way we show
our love in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Loud house

♪ Laundry piles
stacked up high ♪

♪ Hand-me-downs
that make me cry ♪

♪ Stand in line to take a pee

♪ Never any privacy

♪ Chaos with kids

♪ That's the way
it always is ♪

♪ In the Loud house
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