05x02 - The Boss Maybe/Family Bonding

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Loud House". Aired: May 2, 2016 - present.*
Watch/Buy Amazon  Merchandise

Series revolves around the chaotic everyday life of a boy named Lincoln Loud, who is the middle child and only son in a large family of 11 children.
Post Reply

05x02 - The Boss Maybe/Family Bonding

Post by bunniefuu »

- ♪ Crashing through
the crowded halls ♪

♪ Dodging girls
like Ping-Pong balls ♪

♪ Just to reach the bathroom
on time ♪

♪ Leaping over laundry piles ♪

♪ Diapers you can smell
for miles ♪

♪ Guy's got to do
what he can to survive ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Duck, dodge, push,
and shove ♪

♪ Is how we show our love ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house,
in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ One boy and ten girls ♪

♪ Wouldn't trade it
for the world ♪

- ♪ Loud Loud Loud ♪

♪ Loud house ♪

- Poo-poo.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- O-M-gosh.

I'm thinking these gloves would
look super chic on you, Scoots.

- Oh, these are too tight.

My fingers can't breathe.

- Excuse me, darling.

I'm going line dancing
tonight, and I need to know

which of these britches
are best for boot scooting.

- Sorry, Cheryl,
but when there's a line,

you have to wait your turn.

- Ooh, aren't I a rude goose.

Y'all got
a rhinestone vest section?

- Over behind the chaps.

So how are we feeling
about the gloves?

They're snug
in all the right places.

- Hmm, I don't know.

- Sweet ride.
Sweeter gloves.

- Here's a tip
for a job well done.

- Leni, can I see you
in the back?

- Sure, but first
can I interest you

in a new floral fanny pack?

Oh, sorry, Mrs. C,
I can't turn it off.

Yay, cake!

Is it my birthday?

- You, Leni Loud,

are Reininger's
employee of the month.

- [squeals]

It's my birthday,
and I'm employee of the month!

- [chuckles] It's just
the second one, Len.

- Remember when
you first started?

Oh, we had a few bumps
in the road.

- O-M-gosh, I cannot
let you buy that, sir.

- Well, thanks
for your opinion, but I--

- It's so not your color.
- [sighs]

- So here's to you, Leni.

We're so proud
of how far you've come.

- Thank you, but the break room

isn't that far
from the register.

♪ ♪

- Hi, sweetie.

How was work?
- Amazing.

I'm employee of the month.
- Can't say I'm surprised.

You did sell Dad
all those scarves,

and now he feels so hip.

- I didn't think
I was a scarf guy,

but this just goes
with everything.

- I'm proud of you, Leni.
You've really grown up.

Speaking of which, how would
you feel about being in charge

while Dad and I go away
for the night?

- Hmm, I would feel scared?

Did I get the answer right?

- Honey, no, we're asking you
to be in charge.

Dad's catering
the renaissance fair,

and I need to help him
run the mutton station.

- You really think
I can handle it?

- I do. Now that Lori's
at college,

you're the oldest
in the house,

and I think you're ready
to step up.

- [groans]

- You'll be fine.
Just trust your instincts.

[medieval music]

- Fare thee well, young maiden.

We are setting forth
for the renaissance fair.

Know that we art proud
of thy newfound responsibility.

- I don't know what that means,
but thank you.

- I think what your dad means
is you're gonna do great.

Please don't let
the house burn down.

[screaming and clattering]

- I got this.
Just one night.

Oldest sibling.

- No, let it go!
Let it go!

Let it!
- What's going on, guys?

- Lola's trying
to take my money!

- It's my money!
I spotted it!

- I was the one who fished it
out of the sewer.

- Give it!
- [screams]

- Hey, come on.
Stop fighting, please.

- [screams]

- [sniffs]

Ugh, ew!

- Yep, that's me.
I just got sprayed by a skunk.

He wasn't down for it at first,
but, uh, I talked him into it.

- Leni, could you help me
make room for this?

- Sure, is that lime jelly?
- No, it's a spleen.

- Eek!

- That's mine!
- Ugh!

- [hyperventilates, screams]

- Leni, hello?

- Give me that!
- Okay, time-out.

[snaps fingers]

Yep, she is officially
in over her head.

I mean, Lori would've handled
all this in two seconds flat.

Poor thing.
- Huh?

Lori, that's it!

[cell phone rings, vibrates]

- Lori, help.

Mom and Dad are gone,
and I'm in charge,

and I don't know
how to do, like, anything.

- Sorry, Leni,
but I'm at practice.

Can I call you back?

- No, please, Lori,

just help me out
this one time,

and I'll never call you
ever again.

I promise.

- Well,
that's a little extreme.

[chuckles]
Just tell me what's going on.

- Give me back--

- Okay, guys,
you're gonna split the money,

and that's final.

- That's not how money works!

[jazz music]

- Tomato juice will take care
of that smell.

- Ugh.
- [chirps]

- No, get away from my sister!
- [chirps]

- That was, like, exhausting.
Can we all go to sleep now?

- It's : .
- [groans]

- Dude, Luan turned our room
into a comedy club,

and she kicked me out
because I wouldn't pay

the two-lemonade minimum.

Little help?

- Me and my boo are here
for the early show.

[feedback whines]
- [clears throat]

What did Germany say to Italy
first thing in the morning?

Europe early!

[laughs]

Get it?
- [chuckles]

- Ha, I love
a good geography gag.

- Ah, thank you, folks.

Now, don't forget
to tip your server.

- [hyperventilates]

- I think you're
gonna need this.

[cell phone rings vibrates]

- Sorry, that's my sister.

Hi, Leni, what's up?

- Luan's running a comedy club
out of her room!

- Again?

both:
Shh.

- Oh, sorry.

Okay, here's what you do.

- What do you call
a chicken mixed with a--

- Folks, we've got to
shut this place down.

We're over capa--huh?

- [whispering]
Capacity.

- Capacity!

- Well, if the fire
department's here,

I guess that's legit.

- Scoots,
where's your scooter?

- I upgraded.

- Thanks for the assist, dude.

- [sighs]
Now can I be done?

- Hey, Leni,
is it cool if Claude and I

watch "The Disemboweling"?

- Isn't that supposed to be
the scariest movie of all time?

- [scoffs] What?

It's a comedy.
So, Leni, can we?

- [hyperventilates]

- Leni?

I'll take that as a yes.
- Yeah!

- With that terrible tee sh*t,
a redo was requested,

and thus was created
the mulligan.

[cell phone rings, vibrates]
Oh, my word!

- Sorry.

Leni, I can't talk.
I'm in class.

- Lori, please.

- You've got this.
Huh?

Fine, but if I get a call
from someone named BooBooBear,

I'm gonna need that back.

- [grumbles]

[phone line beeping]

- Seriously, dude,
enough of your jokes!

- No, people like the jokes!
- [groans]

- Hey, Clyde,
I got the popcorn!

- My guitar, dude!

- [hyperventilates, screams]

- What in the name
of Bing Crosby

is going on in that house?

- Mr. Grouse, I'm so sorry
for all the noise.

Were we bothering you?

- You're dang tootin'
you were.

I was so distracted,
I mowed over my begonias!

Eight months down the drain.

- Sorry!
We'll keep it down.

There's just a lot
going on over here--

- Leni, help!

The Wi-Fi's down,
and the movie went out

right at the scariest--
I mean funniest part.

- I'm fine
if you want to switch gears.

We could read
or do a word jumble--

- Can you help us please?

- Lincoln,
I have no idea how to--

- Eh, eh, eh, do a hard reset

of the router by updating
the LAN configuration.

Once an IT guy,
always an IT guy.

- [squeals]

[router beeps]

[tense music]

- What am I going to do
with all these intestines?

[laughs]

- Bring it in, Tony!

[truck beeping]

- Huh?
- What?

I needed a little sand to
practice my beach volleyball.

- Mr. Grouse, what do I do?

- Well, how the heck do I know?
Figure it out yourself.

- I can't.
I'm no good at this.

Please?

Come on, you remember
when I styled you

for the Veteran's Day parade?

- Eh, the ascot did add
a touch of class.

[engine turning over]

- Thanks, Mr. Grouse.
You're a lifesaver.

[expl*si*n]
[screams] Huh?

What happened?
- Apologies, sibling.

I created a new fruit punch
that won't leave stains.

Apparently, it is also
quite combustible.

[gasps]
But see?

No stains.

- Please don't let
the house burn down.

- Do you think I could pull off
a pinkie ring, too?

No, no, no, no!
[screams]

- Mr. Grouse, help.

- Sorry, it's time for my nap.

- This is an emergency!

You can't just go home
and take a nap.

- Who said anything
about going home?

[snores]

[rock music playing]

- Leni, Luna turned
my comedy club

into a rock club--do something.

- Leni, do you know
how to get blood--

I mean ketchup off the ceiling?

- Leni, turn the movie off!

- What do you mean
you're empty?

Wait, wait, don't go!

- Whoa!

Ah, fiddlesticks.

[indistinct screaming]

- [screams]

[dramatic music]

[cell phone rings, vibrates]

Miguel, Fiona?

- Hey, Leni boo.
We're having a self-care day.

You want to come with?
- Guys, I can't.

I'm in charge at home,
and everybody needs something,

and I have no idea
how to do anything,

and I'm totally hopeless!

- Hopeless?

Um, I'm sorry,
this does not sound

like the Leni Loud
that we know and love.

- Yeah, we've seen you k*ll it
at work all the time.

You're a total boss.

- Just tap into
that confidence at home.

- All you need to do
is think of your family

as customers that don't pay.

- O-M-gosh, thanks, guys.
I know what to do now.

You're both, like, geniuses.

Hmm.

[whistles]

Attention, shoppers--
I mean siblings.

Here's the deal--
we're gonna wait in line,

and everyone's gonna
get their turn, okay?

So how can I help you
today, ma'am?

- Well, my concoction
is currently corroding

the living room floor.
- Hmm.

We have some lovely water
that would do a great job

of stopping that burn.

[upbeat jazz music]

Next.

- Our movie was...
- I can't stop thinking...

- Way, way too scary.
- About what she did with the--

- Let's see if we can
get you folks

into something
a little less terrifying.

"And the caterpillar turned
into a beautiful butterfly."

- [sighs]
- That hit the spot.

- Next!

♪ ♪

Five for you and five for you
makes ten.

Thanks for coming in today.
- Um, we live here.

- [chirps]

- Sir, do not make me
call security.

And we are closed.

- Ugh, ow.
- Dad, Mom?

I thought you were
coming back tomorrow?

- Well,
no one bothered to tell me

that the renaissance fair
was vegan,

and I was only packing meat,

so we saddled up our steed...
- Vanzilla.

- And set out for our castle.

- The house,
which looks great, Leni.

There's only one hole
in the floor.

I knew no job would be too big
for me employee of the month.

- Aw, thanks, Mom.
Do I get more cake?

- How about a half-eaten
mutton leg?

- [screams]
- Ooh, mutton leg.

What?
Napping makes me hungry.

[chews loudly]
That's a good one.

[spy music]

♪ ♪

- Agent McBride, come in.

I've infiltrated
the secret lair of MALICE--

Masterminds Acting Lawlessly
in Committing Evil.

- Careful extracting
the package.

This evil agent
is particularly dangerous

and a biter.

- [snores]

- Careful, that serial
is packed with fiber.

It's extra crunchy.

- Success.
Fly the eagle home.

- That's my
color-changing spoon!

- Ugh, stop, Lola!
- [screams]

- Dude, what's your deal?

- He and Clyde
are "playing spies."

They're into
a dumb new comic book.

- Um, Secret Agent
David Steele is not dumb.

He's a well-oiled
fighting machine.

Initiate breakout sequence.

[straining]

Ah, oh!
[groans]

- Ah!

- Family huddle, yo.
I got news!

- This better be good, LJ.

You almost made
my cherry soufflé collapse.

[soufflé pops]

No!

- I just saw a moving truck
pull up next door.

New neighbors, baby!

[all cheer]

- Now, hang on.

We don't want to--ah!

Overwhelm them.

[upbeat music]

[people introducing
themselves simultaneously]

- I made you a pie
with Michigan cherries.

- Ch--cherries?
- From Michigan!

- Oh, thank you.
- Cherries, ugh.

- Cherries?
Thank you, but--

- Put her there, pal!

- Oh.

[laughter]

- Bad family!
Back, back!

Sorry, I'm still training them.

Welcome, we're the Louds.

- We're the Millers.
I'm Carly.

This is my hubby, Jeff,
and our son, Ryan.

- And no need to apologize.

Living next
to such a lively bunch

will add some excitement
to our lives.

- Well, let's see how you feel
in an hour.

♪ ♪

- [humming melody]
Hmm?

[soft dramatic music]

[devices whirring and beeping]

[mysterious music]

Hmm?

They're spies!
The neighbors are spies!

[all groan]

- Sweetie, you do this
to the new neighbors

every time you and Clyde
are on one of your kicks.

- But the neighbors
are evil supervillains!

But the neighbors are ghosts!

But the neighbors are aliens!

I guess I'll just have
to prove it to you.

Hi-ya!

David Steele style.

- You're blocking the TV, bro.
- [groans]

Agent McBride, come in.

I need your help
with a new mission. My--

- Neighbors are spies, but your
family doesn't believe you,

so you have to gather evidence?
- [snaps fingers]

both:
Let's do this.

[spy music]

[engine turning over,
tires squealing]

- Hmm, Jeff, where you off to
in such a hurry?

- That's what we're
about to find out.

Oh!

- The library?
But why?

- Yeah, why?

Engage Agent Steele
button cams.

[soft dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Hi, uh, can you tell me
where the suspense section is?

♪ ♪

- Do you like suspense books?

- Yes, yes,
I do like suspense books.

♪ ♪

- Fishy.
[camera shutter clicks]

♪ ♪

- Super fishy.
- Fish city.

♪ ♪

- Eh, she's just
getting a Flippee.

- Peach, huh?
You sure you don't want cherry?

- I hate cherries!

- That's weird.
Who doesn't like cherries?

both: Whoa!
- Oh!

- Hey, get that hunk
of junk out of my--

[all scream]

- And stay out!

Why do I suddenly feel naked?

[school bell rings]

[device beeps]

♪ ♪

- Whoops!
Sorry, buddy.

♪ ♪

- Activating Agent Steele
pepperoni listening device.

- So, new kid,
got any big plans this weekend?

Gonna be cage wrestling
in the backyard

if you're interested.

- Thanks, but I'll be busy
unpacking, cleaning,

taking out the garbage.

- Wait a minute, Clyde.

Garbage day
isn't until Tuesday.

- Something stinks here.

[toilet flushes]
Sorry, fellas.

Mee-Maw's homemade yogurt.

♪ ♪

- Now, what do we have here?

- Hmm, Carly and the cherries.

- Jeff and all those
library books.

- [scoffs] Ryan's blatant lie
about garbage day.

What does it all add up to?

- Maybe Agent Steele
can help us.

♪ ♪

- Lincoln, look!

In issue seven,
"taking out the garbage"

meant MALICE was plotting
some kind of destruction.

- That's right.
Hmm.

But what's there to destroy
in Royal Woods?

both:
[gasp] Cherries!

- Of course!

Carly flipped her lid
over cherries.

- And if they destroy
the cherry supply...

[gasps]

They'd cr*pple
the local economy!

- And take over
the whole state of Michigan

just like MALICE when they
took over the North Pole

and held Santa for ransom
in that holiday issue.

- Oh, I didn't read that one.
- It was really good.

So the only question left is,

who are the Millers
working for?

[spy music]

♪ ♪

Jeff taking out a book
on how to grow Georgia peaches

in the suspense section.

Suspense...
That's it!

Clyde, I figured it out.

Suspense must be the name
of their evil organization.

Secret Underground Society
of Peach Entrepreneurs

Nixing Sour Exports!

- Okay, well,
now that you've said it,

it's just
embarrassingly obvious.

- We have to get
to that console

in the Millers' attic

and override
the cherry destruction order.

- But how do we
keep them distracted?

- Distraction is my specialty.

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter]

- A barbecue for the Millers

was such a thoughtful idea,
sweetie.

- Just wanted them
to feel welcome.

- Still think they're spies?

- Can you believe
I ever thought that?

- No.
Hey, think fast!

- Agent McBride,
are you in position?

- - , the squirrel
is in the nest.

- Perfect, now to summon
our undercover agent.

All right, Agent Charles,
if you can find a way

into the Millers' house,
this hot dog

will be all yours.

♪ ♪

- Oh, easiest hot dog
you've ever earned.

[clatters]
Ugh--meant to do that.

Clyde,
I'm in the Millers' house.

Everything good on your end?

- Yep,
there's no one in sight.

Lola!

So you're probably wondering
why I'm in this bush.

[laughs]
Funny story.

Cleo got out and, boy,
that darn cat.

- Hey, everybody,

Lincoln is sneaking around
the neighbors' house!

[soft dramatic music]

- [screams]
Ugh.

Whoa.

Agent McBride,
I'm in the attic.

- Um, we've got a situation.

Lola blew our cover!
Everyone's heading your way!

- Dang it!
We'll have to work fast.

Okay, buddy,
walk me through this.

- Right--issue number four.

Agent Steele had to reroute

the MALICE console
to override mode.

To do that, you'll have
to remove the side panel.

- Good thing I always carry
my Agent Steele ink pen

with laser feature

and optional
cat toy attachment.

♪ ♪

Okay, which wire
am I looking for?

- I can't tell!

It's either chili powder brown
or chicory.

You're just gonna have
to pick one!

- Lincoln.

- What are you doing in
the ding dang neighbor's house?

- I can explain!
The Millers are spies!

They work for an evil
organization called SUSPENSE,

and they're about to destroy
all the cherries in Michigan.

[laughter]

- Jeff and I work
for the weather services.

- That console
monitors storm systems

moving in toward Royal Woods,

and FYI, it's gonna be
hot, hot, hot this weekend.

- [groans]
Sorry, everyone.

I really messed up this time.

- I am so sorry.

We will be having a long talk
with Lincoln about boundaries!

Okay, everyone, let's go

and leave these
very patient people alone.

- Agent Loud,
was the mission a success?

- No, Clyde, buddy.

It was a major failure, over...
[sighs]

And out.

[device beeping]

- Commence
total cherry annihilation

in seconds.

[device beeping]

[all gasp]

- You're r-really...

- Spies.

- And your son's right.

We work for SUSPENSE.

- Secret Underground Society
of Peach Entrepreneurs

Nixing Sour Exports.

- And it's too late
to stop us now.

- Too late is just enough time.

[dramatic music]

Activate Agent David Steele
pudding shoes!

- Whoa!- Ugh.


- Three, two, one--

Cherry annihilation
terminated.

- Yeah!

- You may have thwarted us
this time,

but we won't stop
until Georgia peaches

rule the fruit world!

- Not on our watch.

We're taking you
straight to the ding dang FBI.

- You'll have
to catch us first.

[all scream, gasp]

- Katherine Mulligan reporting
from Franklin Street,

where authorities
are still searching

for a family of spies.

Their plot to destroy
the Michigan cherry supply

was thwarted thanks
to these two adorable heroes.

- Are we on?
- Is this cable?

- Are we on?
- Bad family.

I'm sorry we didn't take you
seriously, Lincoln.

- Eh, can't blame you.

I got to admit
it was all kind of crazy.

- Yo, new neighbors
are moving in next door.

Let's go meet them.

- Yeah, come on!
- Let's go!

- Hold it.

Remember what we talked about?

Lincoln, go check it out first.

♪ ♪

- Come in, Agent McBride,
looks like we're needed

for another stakeout.

A secret agent's job
is never done.

Ha! Ha!

Whoa!

Meant to do that.

- ♪ Cramped inside
this tiny space ♪

♪ May sound bad,
but ain't the case ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪
- ♪ Loud house ♪

- ♪ Duck and dodge
and push and shove ♪

♪ That's the way we show
our love in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Loud house ♪

♪ Laundry piles
stacked up high ♪

♪ Hand-me-downs
that make me cry ♪

♪ Stand in line
to take a pee ♪

♪ Never any privacy ♪

♪ Chaos with kids ♪

♪ That's the way
it always is ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪
Post Reply