05x05 - Blinded by Science/Band Together

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Loud House". Aired: May 2, 2016 - present.*
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Series revolves around the chaotic everyday life of a boy named Lincoln Loud, who is the middle child and only son in a large family of 11 children.
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05x05 - Blinded by Science/Band Together

Post by bunniefuu »

- ♪ Crashing through
the crowded halls ♪

♪ Dodging girls
like Ping-Pong balls ♪

♪ Just to reach the bathroom
on time ♪

♪ Leaping over laundry piles ♪

♪ Diapers you can smell
for miles ♪

♪ Guy's got to do
what he can to survive ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Duck, dodge, push,
and shove ♪

♪ Is how we show our love ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house,
in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ One boy and ten girls ♪

♪ Wouldn't trade it
for the world ♪

- ♪ Loud, Loud, Loud ♪

♪ Loud house ♪

- Poo-poo.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- Hmm.

Brain broccoli? Nope.

Family fecal and hair samples?
No.

Sorry, snake-bird.

Genetic engineering is too
pedestrian for a day this big.

- [squawks]

- Combustible ketchup? Nope.

- Lis--aah!

What's going on in here?

We heard the snake-bird,

and Mom sent me
to check on Lily.

- Eh, she's fine.

[Lily laughing]
Gah!

- Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

- [groans]

- As you can see,

I'm in the midst of a crisis
of epic proportions.

I'm slated to give the keynote
research presentation

at this year's Genius-Con

and I have no new research
to present.

- Hmm. You know what always
helps me think?

A Flippee!

♪ ♪

- [slurps]

[grunts]
I'm in extreme pain,

but have no additional
neurological activity

to report.

- [grunting]

Hey, what's
with the sour face?

Your goldfish die
or something?

- Uh, there's a -pound
steel drum on your foot.

- Dang it.
That's twice today.

[both gasp]

- [sighs]

[both gasp]

- Hard work really
gets my stomach grumbling.

[gobbling]

- Is that the same cheese
we put on our nachos?

- Ah, cheese is cheese, chief.

[gasps]
My heart!

- Far be it for me
to question your ailment,

but the heart is located
in the thoracic cavity,

in a space known
as the mediastinum.

- Eh, not Flip's.

Mine's in my belly.

[rhythmic heart b*ating]

- Extraordinary pain tolerance,

misplaced organs,

a diet consisting of mostly
gas station cheese?

[gasps]
Flip!

How would you like
to be the subject

of my new
research project?

- Eh, Flip ain't
no science man.

- My research will be presented

at one of the largest
scientific conferences

in the world.

It would be great publicity
for the Food & Fuel.

- Oh!
[jackpot dinging]

Ah, you've got
yourself a deal.

[belches, farts]

- Wow! First, I'll need to run
some routine tests.

Five minutes!

That's amazing, Flip!

[water gurgling]

- [belching]

- Now, we're going to see
how you hold up

in subzero temperatures.

Amazing!

[MRI machine whirring]

Fascinating!

The experts in every scientific
field are at this conference.

- [sloppily licking]

- Hey, sorry we're late.

- We had
a lengthy discussion

about what
"smart casual" means.

- What are you two
sub-cranials doing here?

- Eh, they're here to do
promotion.

You got the samples?

- Yep.

- And the brand-new

Flip's Food & Fuel pneumatic
Flippee cannon.

- [groans]
Just don't embarrass me.

This is a big night for me.

- [scoffs] Come on, Lis.

We're pros.

[shouts]
- [groans]

- Sorry, Dr. Makhlouf!

- Please welcome Lisa Loud.
[applause]

- Greetings, colleagues.

I, Lisa Loud,
PhD, JD, MD,

and occasional DDS,

present to you
an epic discovery.

I give you...

Animalia Cordata
Mammalia Flippia!

- [belches]

- Now, to the naked eye,
an ordinary human male.

But a closer look reveals
something far different.

His liver is in his neck.
[audience oohs]

His skin is one big callus.
[audience aahs]

He has gills.
[audience gasps]

His heart beats like no other.

[creaky heart b*ating]

And last,
but certainly not least,

my greatest discovery
of all.

The specimen has
two posterior crevices.

Street name?

Butt cracks!
[audience gasps]

- So head on down to Flip's
Food & Fuel after the show.

Come for the snacks,
stay for the cracks.

[party music]
Whoo, yeah!

Come on now, baby girl!

- Oh, yeah! Flip's Food & Fuel!

Oh, yeah!
- All right!

- Ya-hee!
- Great job, Lis.

[slow clapping]
- Hmm?

- Bravo, Miss Loud.

Absolutely brilliant
presentation.

Dr. Carol Linnaeus.

Pleasure to meet you.

- Hmm.
"Incognito Laboratories"?

Never heard of it.

- Lisa, I'll be frank.

Your discovery may be the basis
of a new field of science.

We would love to do further
research on your test subject

at our facility,
just for a day or so.

[gasps]
I'm honored!

What do you say, Flip?

- Eh,
I'm not interested.

- Flip, I beg of you.

I could be Lisa Loud,

the mother of modern biology!

- That's all fine
and dandy for you, chief,

but, eh, what's in it
for old Flip here?

- Did I mention
we pay handsomely?

- I'm in!

Hey, thanks for
calling me handsome.

Hey, hey, hey.

- Eh, okay...

uh, if I could just
have you initial here,

we will be on our way.

- Uh-huh.
[grunting]

Thanks, short stack.

Between the cash
and free publicity,

ooh,
I owe you big time.

Now you boys watch
the Food & Fuel

till I get back.

both: Aye-aye, Flip!

- Now,
please come with me.

- [grunts]

- Hmm. Let's see
what you're all about.

Dr. Linnaeus.

"No results found"?

- Hmm. That's odd.
How about, uh...

"Incognito Laboratories"?
[computer chimes]

Aha!
You can't hid from me.

[shouts]

Well, it's confirmed.

There's something
very wrong here.

[chittering]
- Kitty-cat!

[laughing]

- That's not a kitty.
That's a rat.

And he has something attached
to his collar.

A business card
from Incognito Labs.

And there's a message.

"Halp"?

Who would misspell "help"?

[gasps]
This is from Flip.

[sniffing]

And it reeks of saline.

He's--he's been crying.

Take me too him, Rattus.

[mischievous music]

♪ ♪

I have a visual.
[gasps]

- [panting and grunting]

- Have they no humanity?

They're treating Flip
like a lab rat.

What? Are you
giving me that look

'cause I've offended you
as a lab rat?

Or is it because I treated Flip
the exact same way?

[gulps]

♪ ♪

- [gasps]

- Why are you
still holding Flip?

- If you're referring
to Test Subject ,

we're prepping it
for a very important mission.

Incognito Lab specializes
in aeronautics and astronomy.

Street name--

- Uh-uh-uh.
Don't "street name" me.

I know what
space travel is.

- We've long wondered

how the human body
would hold up

unprotected in space,

We just never had
the right test subject...

until now.

- [gasps]
You mean--

- We're going to sh**t
the subject into space

without a spacesuit.

- But--but the g-force alone
would obliterate him!

- You said it yourself.

It's barely human.

Meeting adjourned.

- Listen, lady.

I'm not going anywhere
until you let Flip go.

Oh, no.

[screams]

- Gentlemen, I'm here on
a matter of grave importance.

The scientists who took Flip

are planning on
sh**ting him into space.

And I need your help
breaking him out of their lab

before they can.

- We're in.
- [groans]

Pray tell,
what happened in here?

- The Flippee machine
exploded.

- Hmm...

I think I have an idea.

[mischievous music]

- Radioactive waste
coming through.

- Got ID?

- Oh, hiya, Dr. Inn.
Nice to see ya.

Come on in.
- [sneezes]

Did you hear--
- [fake sneezes]

[sniffles]
Allergy season.

[all grunt]

- Cheese me.

- [snoring]

[alarm sounding]
- [whimpers]

- Hey, how did you kids
get in here?

- Ice this fool.

[dramatic music]

- [roars]

[distorted groaning]

♪ ♪

- Go for Flip.
We'll keep 'em busy.

- You got it.

- Time for these guys to chill.

[slurping]

- [gasps]

- [sighs]
All right.

You got Sal's message.

- Hello again,
little Salvatore.

Now come on, Flip.

We need to get you
out of here.

- No can do, half pint.

This cell is locked

with the most complex
passcode on Earth.

- Hmm, passcode.

Incognito Labs.

Incognito in Latin
spelled backwards is...

[muttering]

[gasps]
Yes!

- Dang.
- Come on!

[panting, gasps]

- Not so fast.

- Ah, crud.

- Don't be a fool, Lisa.

You're walking away
from fame, fortune.

All for a test subject?

- No, doc.
That's where I had it wrong.

He's not a test subject.

He's a human being who deserves
to be treated with respect.

- [farts]
Whoa!

I didn't know there were trains
coming out of both tunnels!

- And by the way,
his name is Flip.

Now, step aside.

- I can't let you do this.

That's my test subject now.

- [shouts]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Flip, help!

- [grunting]

My emergency Flippee!

[grunts]

- [warbling]

- Wait to go, Lisa.
You did it.

- Launch initiated.

[rumbling]

- Aw, thanks for saving
old Flip's bacon.

- This calls
for celebratory Flippees!

[all cheering]

[all slurping]

- [groans]
Brain freeze.

[grunts]

[laughter]

[sunny rock music]

♪ ♪

[drumsticks clicking]

[speeding rock music]

- ♪ Any time I can,
you better know ♪

♪ I wanna play with my... ♪
both: ♪ Band ♪

- ♪ Play a little guitar
and clap my hands ♪

[cheering]

♪ Every time we get together ♪

♪ You know that
I could play forever ♪

♪ Anytime I can you better know
I wanna play with my band ♪

We are the Moon Goats!
Thank you, Burnt Bean!

- Yeah! Goat head for life!

Check out my tattoo.

all: [groaning]
We believe you.

- Oy,
wicked show, mates.

- Yeah, Sully.
You destroyed those keys.

- You can still see
the marks on his forehead.

- [laughs]
Ow.

- Let's go grab some grub.

Chunk, you coming?

- Love to, mate,
but I've got another gig.

Testing, testing.
One, two, three.

- Bingo!

- No, love.
We haven't started yet.

Oy!

- Sam, hurry and put your bass
away so we can go.

- All right, all right.

[all snickering]

all: Band pranked!

- [laughing] Okay.
You got me.

- Glad it wasn't
me this time.

- Lucky you.[coughs]

- Dudes, I can't wait for us
to be touring the world

and rocking
sold-out stadiums.

- Just don't forget all
your adoring fans back home.

I assume you want
the usual.

Moon Goat cheese fries--

- Easy on the moon,
hold the goat.

- Be right...
[imitating goat] Ba-a-ack.

Get it?
'Cause it sounds like a goat.

- All right, dudes,
game time.

Guess the rock star.
I'll go first.

all: Mick Swagger.
- I didn't even start yet.

all: It's always Mick Swagger.

[all laughing]

- Hi, I'm picking up
a to-go order.

Katie Krest.

- Guys, she's the biggest
manager in the music biz.

I'm gonna see what she's
doing in town.

- So are you new
to Royal Woods?

- No, just in town
a couple of days.

Launching a summer rock tour.

- Cool.
Here's your Lynn-sagna to go.

And should your tour ever need
a little more cowbell...

- "The Clang"?
[cowbell clangs, cow moos]

- 'Cause that's the sound
a cowbell makes.

Ha!
- Oh, yep, got it.

Did you put extra parmesan
in the bag?

- Guys, this could be
our big break!

If we can get Katie
to hear us rock,

she might agree
to be our manager.

You in?

- Oh, yeah, totally.
- Okay.

- We're here
to see Katie Krest.

- Okay, no.

Miss Krest said
absolutely no visitors,

especially musicians.

- Taking this food order
to Ms. Krest's suite.

Can you check
the room number for me?

- Give me one second, here.

Room .
- On my way.

[grunts]

- Wait, did I say or ?

Hmm...

- Room service!

Hey, Katie.
We're the Moon--

- [shouts]

Eh, don't just
stand there, gawking.

Grab a strip
and start rippin'.

[groaning]

[strip ripping]
Holy nachos!

[all groan]
- I'm gonna throw up.

- Where's that room service?
Should've been here by now.

- We're the Moon Goats,

and we're your next new band.

- I'm not looking
for any new bands.

- We don't give up
that easy.

♪ ♪

- [shouts]
No!

[groans]

- Oh, this is not my day.

- Gah!
- Dude!

Wait! Just give us a listen.

[grunting]

- You ever have that feeling

a bunch of kids are
following you?

- Every moment
of every day.

- Now!

- [groans]

- Let us play
one song for you,

and I promise
we'll leave you alone.

- [sighs]
Fine.

- Yes!
All right.

One, two, three, four.

♪ Anytime I can,
you better know ♪

♪ I wanna play with my band ♪

♪ Play a little guitar
and clap my hands ♪

- Stop, stop.
I've heard enough.

- [groaning]
- That was...

phenomenal!

I mean, I had my doubts,
but I was clearly wrong.

You've got some
serious star appeal.

The look, the vibe.

I'd love to manage you.

[band chattering excitedly]

- Congrats, kiddos.

[grunting]

Ah, I'm so ding-dang
happy for all of ya.

- All?[laughs]
No, just her.

- Wait, what?
Why only me?

- The lead singer
in one of my bands

just dropped out
of the tour.

Her cat became
an influencer.

You'd be the perfect
replacement.

What do you say?

- Yes!
- No!

- The tour leaves
at the end of this week.

I need an answer.

- Um, can you just,
uh, give us one sec?

Moon Goat conference
in the kitchen.

[door opens]

- How about
a little hold music?

- I have your card.

- Are you seriously
going to say yes?

- The Moon Goats were supposed
to make it big together.

[liquid squishing]

- I'm gonna give you guys
some space.

Would you mind
just stirring the jelly?

- Look, I hate
leaving the band too.

But I can't pass up
this chance.

I would support you guys
if you got your big break.

And I'm really bummed
you're not supporting me.

- [sighs]
Okay.

If that's what you want.

- Sorry, it is.

I need to go tell Katie.

[somber music]

- [slurps, smacks lips]

Needs some heat.

♪ ♪

- Ah!

[triumphant music]

Whoa, look at
all these gold records.

[inhales, exhales]

Whoo! Who's ready to jam?

- Luna, sweetheart.

Let me introduce you
to your new bandmates.

This is Reg, Bonnie...

- Yo.
- Yeah, sorry.

What were you
saying?

- And Jolly Jim.

- A pleasure, dudes.

I brought a little something
to share.

My dad's famous Moon G--

I mean, just cheese fries.

- I'm lactose intolerant.

- Sorry.
I'll remember that.

- Yeah,
I don't eat carbs.

- Okay, noted.

Jolly Jim?
- Wait!

The smell of cheese
makes him--

- [retches]

- Enough chitchat.
Time to rehearse.

All right,
let's try a run-through.

- ♪ Tried to use tape ♪

♪ To mend my
broken heart ♪

[band playing
slow pop punk music]

♪ But every time,
it falls apart ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Maybe try a little glue ♪

♪ But I'm really ♪

♪ Just stuck on you ♪

- [growls]

♪ Tried to use tape
to mend my broken heart ♪

- Luna,
we don't improv choreography.

- We're professionals.

- [laughs nervously]
I--I guess I got carried away.

- Great rehearsal, everyone.

- [snickers]

- Gah!

- [gasping]
- Band pranked!

- Ugh! Nice going.

Now you've
really upset Jim.

- [sighs]

Cheers to our last meal
in town before the tour.

Dudes, want to play
guess the rock star?

Okay, great.
I'll go first.

- [grunts]

- [groans]
Just come here.

- [laughing]
Not today, you bozos.

- I'm so sorry.

I was just trying to have
some fun,

like I did with my old band.

- Look, sweetie, you're not
with the Moon Goats anymore.

It's time to get serious.

- Ah!

- Sorry. I had that planned
before this talk.

♪ ♪

[somber music]

[crowd cheering]

- Well, Luna.

Today is the beginning of
a new rock-star life for you.

Adoring fans,
sold-out stadiums,

a different city
every night.

- I can't do this.

- Are you serious?

We're loading the bus
right now.

Don't tell me
your cat got famous too.

- No, look.

I--I'm super grateful
for the opportunity,

but I don't want to do this
without my friends.

I'm meant to rock
with them.

I'm so sorry.

- I know, Jim.

I'm just as shocked
as you are.

[door closes]

- Dudes, I told Katie
I'm not going on tour.

I'm back with the Moon Goats!

Why are you all
making that face?

[mic feedback squeaks]

- Oh, hello, Luna, love.

- Oh, you replaced me.

- Luna, what were
we supposed to do?

You left us.

- Yeah.
No, no, no.

I--I mean, sure.

That's cool.
I totally get it.

- Oi, I just remembered,
I have to hit the loo.

- No, Chunk, stay.

It's all good.

You're gonna love
being a Moon Goat.

Trust me.

Dudes, I never
should've left you.

I'm sorry.

Hey, I just thought
of something.

You guys probably need
a new roadie now, right?

- Would you really
want to do that?

- For sure.

All I care about
is being with you guys,

even if I have to
fetch you sodas,

or--or clean up glitter bombs.

- You're hired.
- You're hired.

- Aw!

- You're a right mate,
you are, Luna.

But I can't believe
you gave up the tour.

Always dreamed
of doing that.

Adoring fans,
sold-out stadiums,

a different city
every night.

- [gasps]

[upbeat music]

[cheering]

- Thank you, Burnt Bean.
Good night!

Stick around.
Bingo is coming up next.

- Aw, yeah!

- So what do you think?

- Chunk, welcome to
the rock-star life.

You're not a glitter guy,
are you?

- Looks like we have an opening
for a lead singer.

- How about we give
our new roadie a promotion?

- Heh. Works for me.

- You won't regret it.

I missed you guys.

- Moon Goats for life!

- Hey, losers!

I'm four espressos deep,
and I'm ready to mosh!

[rock music]

Yeah! Woo-hoo!

Mosh! Mosh!
- Oh, dang it.

Nice tattoos, Goose.
- [chuckles]

- ♪ Cramped inside
this tiny space ♪

♪ May sound bad
but ain't the case ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪
- ♪ Loud house ♪

- ♪ Duck and dodge
and push and shove ♪

♪ That's the way we show
our love in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Loud house ♪

♪ Laundry piles
stacked up high ♪

♪ Hand-me-downs
that make me cry ♪

♪ Stand in line
to take a pee ♪

♪ Never any privacy ♪

♪ Chaos with kids ♪

♪ That's the way
it always is ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪

[upbeat music]
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