05x07 - Cow Pie Kid/Saved by the Spell

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Loud House". Aired: May 2, 2016 - present.*
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Series revolves around the chaotic everyday life of a boy named Lincoln Loud, who is the middle child and only son in a large family of 11 children.
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05x07 - Cow Pie Kid/Saved by the Spell

Post by bunniefuu »

- ♪ Crashing through
the crowded halls ♪

♪ Dodging girls
like Ping-Pong balls ♪

♪ Just to reach the bathroom
on time ♪

♪ Leaping over laundry piles ♪

♪ Diapers you can smell
for miles ♪

♪ Guy's got to do
what he can to survive ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Duck, dodge, push,
and shove ♪

♪ Is how we show our love ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪

- ♪ One boy and ten girls ♪

♪ Wouldn't trade it
for the world ♪

- ♪ Loud Loud Loud ♪

♪ Loud house ♪

- Poo-poo.

[upbeat bluegrass music]

♪ ♪

- It's the top
of the ninth inning,

and things
are not looking good

for the Royal Woods Kangaroos.

They are down -
against the Hazeltucky Hawkers.

- Quiet, chump.

You got this, Margo!

[spits]

[ball whizzes, ricochets]
- Oh!

[machine sputtering]
- Huh?

[grumbling] Hey, you still
gotta pay for that.

Ahh!

One of you Kangaroos
owes me big!

- That's ball four.

- Ugh. Time, time!

All right, you're done kid.
Time to bench it.

Paula, look alive.
You're pitching!

[struggling efforts]

[grunting]

- Team captain Lynn Loud

is making
her fifth pitching change.

- [grunts] Ohh!

[crowd cheering]
[both gasp]

- That ball is outta here!

- Ohh.

- Ahh!

Aw, come on!

- Another loss
for the Kangaroos.

- Dad, could you please
turn it off?

- I just don't know
if team captain Lynn Loud

has what it takes to lead
Royal Woods to victory.

- Turn it off. Turn it off!
- [grunting]

- If you ask me, she should be
taking this personal!

- [grunts]
Hey, don't listen to that guy.

He doesn't know anything.

- No, he's right.

We haven't won a single game.

And as captain,
that's on me.

I'd get out there myself,
but I'm banned from pitching.

[grunts]
[goat bleating]

Huh?
- Billygoats! Billygoats!

- Baad pitcher.

- [grunting]

- Baad pitcher.

[grumbling]

Yah!

- Baa!
[crowd clamoring]

- Unless that goat
drops its lawsuit.

- Don't worry, LJ.
You've still got

plenty of time
left in the season.

And I'm here for you
no matter--oh!

Farm fresh eggs!

I mean, to make you
a consolation omelet?

[light music]

♪ ♪

- [clears throat] I'll take
a dozen cow pies, please.

This mama runs on manure.

[creaks, spits]

- You got it.

Lucky for you,
Bessie had a big mornin'.

[farts]

Farm fresh cow pies
comin' right up!

[upbeat banjo music]

[grunting effort]
Yah!

- [grunts]

- Whoa.

- Oops. Sorry, fella.

- Whoa, Liam! Why didn't
Stinkin' ever tell me

that you had
such an incredible arm?

- Uh, I dunno.

- Hey, hey, hey.
You wanna play some baseball?

Our team could
really use you.

- Oh, sounds fun.

But the only sport I've ever
played is hog wrasslin'.

- No prob. You got
the best trainer in the biz.

And with you on the mound,
I might be able

to turn this season around.

- [laughs]
Sorry 'bout that.

[crowing]

♪ ♪

- Okay, now just pretend
like you're throwing a cow pie

and aim for that egg.

That's the magic strike zone.

- [grunts]

♪ ♪

[chickens clucking]

- Ooh. [gasps]

- Your speed is incredible,

but your control
could use some work.

- Well, baseballs feel
mighty different than cow pies.

[sniffs] But they sure do
smell better.

[grunts]
[cow moos]

- More to the left.

- [grunts]
[crashing]

- Uh, more to the right.

- [grunting effort]

[crashing]

- [groans]
Don't think so much.

Just pitch.

- [inhales, exhales]

- [grunts]

- [snorts]

- Ohh! [laughs]

- Welcome to the team,
Cowpie Kid.

- Whoa! A celebration like this
calls for a pig pile. [laughs]

Whoa!
[pigs squealing]

- [grunts, laughs]

[cheers and applause]

All right, you ready
for your first game, kid?

- I'm more nervous than a sheep

with the hiccups being shorn,
but--[inhales]

- Just remember
what we practiced.

Don't think. You got this.
- Ah.

- Play ball!

- Now pitching
for the Kangaroos

is rookie Liam Hunnicutt.

Word is that captain Lynn Loud
recruited him from the farm

after seeing him toss
some cow pies.

Let's see how this kid does
with a baseball.

- [inhales, exhales]

[grunts]

- Strike one!
[cheers and applause]

[upbeat music]

- [grunts]

- Strike two!

Strike three!
You're out!

- [laughs]

♪ ♪

- You're outta here!

♪ ♪

Strike three.

♪ ♪

Hit the showers!

- The Kangaroos have won
their first game this season

with a shutout, thanks to
Lynn Loud and her new ace.

- Ah! [laughs]
- There's a glimmer of hope

for this team.

- Great job today.

- Aw, shucks.
Thanks, Paula.

- Okay, listen up, everyone.

That was a great game, but we
need to keep these wins coming.

That means we gotta work hard
and give it our all.

And Liam, you're gonna
pitch every game.

- Wow, I'm honored,

but I sure hope
I don't let y'all down.

- Don't worry, Cowpie Kid.
We believe in you.

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

- [grunts]

- And another win
for the Kangaroos.

[liquid sloshing]

[grunting efforts]

[straining]
Ow!

Ohh, heavens to Betsy.

[grunts]
[crowd cheers]

- Yeah!
- Whoo-hoo!

[groans]

[bell rings]

Ohh.

- [grunts]
[boinging]

♪ ♪

- Saving your arm for the game?
Good thinking, dude.

I just save my legs.
Paula, come carry me!

- It's the bottom of the ninth
with two outs.

If the Kangaroos
can pull this win out,

they'll be tied
for first place.

- [grunts]

- Strike three!
The Kangaroos win!

- [groaning]

- All right, everybody.
Gather round.

This is our last practice
before the big game.

We win tomorrow, and we're
the champs of our division.

I know we can't lose
with Cowpie on the mound,

but let's get some good hustle
in today.

Go!

- [grunts]

[groans]

[grunts weakly]

- Ooh!

- It's okay, Teddy.
Walk it off.

Don't worry about it, Liam.

Just give it another go.

- [grunts] Huh?

[chirping]

- What's going on?

- Uh, my arm's
plum tuckered out.

- Sounds like noodle arm.
Happened to my cousin.

Her coach made her rest it,

and it got better
after a few days.

- But we don't have
a few days.

The championship game
is tomorrow.

- I think I know someone
who might be able to help us.

- This high-powered laser

will realign the nerves
and muscles in your arm

and resynchronize
your pitch.

- Yikes. Is it gonna hurt?

- Nah.

- It'll be pain
like you've never known.

- [gulps, inhales]

[yelps]

- [inhales sharply]
Ooh.

- Aw, ain't nothin' more
than a skeeter bite.

All right!
Let's see that fastball now!

♪ ♪

Sock it to me, kid.

- [grunts] Ohh!

- ♪ Ooh, girl ♪
Ahh!

- Sorry, Lincoln's sister!

- Okay, I'm starting to stress.

Your aim is still off,
and we're running out of time.

- Sigh.
- Yah!

- I might know a way
to help.

[thunder booms]

Okay, now I'll just need
a strand of your hair.

Strand of red hair,
stinger of a bee,

cure Liam's arm so he can--

Ahem.
- [squeaks]

- Pitch pain-free.

[organ music]

[thunder booms]

[shimmering tone]

- Anything?
- Ho ho, hoo-wee!

That's unbelievable.

I got no pain at all.

But let's see if I can throw.

tense music]

[grunts]

- Boom! The Cowpie Kid is back!

- Ow.

- Bottom of the first,
and we've got

the Cowpie Kid on the mound,

looking to bring
the Kangaroos a championship.

- [inhales, exhales]

[grunts]

- Stee-rike!

- Ho-ho!

[upbeat music]

- [grunts]

- You're outta here!

[cheers and applause]

- [grunts]

- Strike three!
[cheers and applause]

- Tight game here
in the ninth,

with loaded bases
and two outs.

Cowpie Kid is one out away
from the big win.

- [inhales, exhales]

[popping]
Ohh!

- Ball one!

- Time out, time out.
[whistle tooting]

Kid, what happened?

- I don't know.
My arm just plum popped.

- Yo, we need some science
over here!

- [grunts]

Hmm, looks like
an acute soft tissue injury

to his contractile components.

I'd say there's a % chance
he can continue pitching,

and a % chance that doing so

could permanently damage
his arm.

- I'm liking these odds.
What do you think, kid?

- Well, I ain't never
been a numbers guy.

Alls I know is I wanna win,

and I sure don't wanna
let down my team.

[deflating]

- Well, it's game on,
and it looks like

team captain Lynn Loud
is gonna allow

an injured Cowpie Kid
to stay on the mound.

We're down to the wire, folks,

and this could very well
be the winning pitch,

clinching one of the biggest
season turnarounds

in the history of the league.

- [grunting weakly]

[popping]
Huh? Ohh!

- [grumbling]

Gimme the ball, kid.
You're benched.

- Wait, what?
- I can't do this.

The championship isn't worth
risking an injury to your arm.

- Dang it.
Well, you're the captain.

- Paula, you're pitching.

- Looks like captain Lynn Loud

is benching the Cowpie Kid

and putting perennially
injured Paula Price

up on the mound.

With bases loaded,

two outs, and two strikes,

the championship
rides on this pitch.

- [grunts]
Ahh!

- That ball is outta here!
[cheers and applause]

- Ugh!

- Hazeltucky
has won the championship!

- Hey, Paula,
pick your chin up.

I think if we work
on your curveball,

that championship is ours
next season.

- You know, I gotta say
to sacrifice a win like that

to protect your player,

now, that's a good
team captain right there.

- Pig pile!

[laughs]
- [grunts]

- [laughs]
We might not have won,

but that sure was
a heck of a ride, Lynn.

[pig squealing]
[gasps] Virginia, no!

- [snorting, squeals]

[triumphant music]

♪ ♪

- Ooh!
- Save some.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum!

- Oh, dibs on the one
that looks like Lily!

- Hey, no fair!
I wanted the Lily one.

- [laughs, munches]

- I guess I'll help myself.

- Yah!
- Now you see them,

now you don't!

Shazam!

- Thanks. That was delicious.

[humming]

- Dang it, Leni, wait!
I wasn't done with my act.

- But why am I still hungry?

- I hope you're ready
for more magic.

The middle school talent show
is this week,

and I need to keep practicing.

[poof]

- Ah!
- Huh? Ahh!

[poof]

- Hm?

♪ ♪

- Tada!

- Surprised gasp.

- Hey, Houdini,
where are the pancakes?

- It wasn't me that time.

[banging]

- [munching]

Lincoln's not the only one
who can make stuff disappear.

[struggling efforts]

- Not the face,
not the face!

- Oh, guys,
the talent show is this Friday,

and we still haven't
figured out our act.

[grunts]
This is our big chance

to show the school
how cool we are.

Ooh!
[crashing]

- Well, what's cool?

Barbershop quartet?
Tap dancing? Glass blowing?

Ohh, there are too many
options! Ohh!

[crashing]
- Tell you what,

nothin's cooler than a rodeo.

- No can do, dawg.

I cannot have a bull
kick me in the moneymaker.

Ooh!
- [struggling efforts]

Ooh, what if we sing and dance
to a really cool song?

[all groaning]
- Ow, ow, ow!

- Hey, that's a great idea,
Zach.

We could sing and dance.
What do you all think?

- Sounds good to me.
- I'm game.

- Hey, guys!
Sorry I'm late.

These new jock straps
are confusing.

Dodgeball already over?

- Lincoln, good news!

For the talent show,
we're gonna sing

and shake our groove things!

[grunting efforts]
[dance music]

- But, like, in a cool way.

- Actually, guys,
I had a solo act in mind.

It's time Royal Woods
Middle School was introduced

to Lincoln the Magnificent!
[carnival music]

Eh?

- [inhales sharply]
- Ooh.

- [hisses]
- A fedora?

Ain't nothin' cool about that.

- Shield formation!
- Cover him!

- Grab that hat!
- All right, everybody!

- Hey, what are you doing?

- Saving your life, dude.

You can't be doing magic
in front of the whole school.

- Why not?
What's wrong with magic?

- Sorry, Linc, but top hats
and card tricks?

Heh, isn't that a little young?

- Immature, really.
- So fifth grade.

- We're just trying
to look out for you.

This is your middle school
reputation on the line.

- Um, what could be better
for my reputation than this?

[squawking]
Cool, right?

- Ahh, not the face!

- Sorry, guys. Gotta go.
That's my only dove!

- Guys, as Lincoln's friends,

we can't let him do
this magic thing.

- He's like a piglet
during breech birth.

You just need to
turn him around.

- Oww.
[stomach grumbles]

I don't know if I can do this.

It sounds like scheming.

You know scheming
hurts my stomach.

- Ladies and gentlemen,
I, Lincoln the Magnificent,

will make this dove disappear.

[poof]

Hm? Tada. Heh.

- Eh, I'll live
with the discomfort.

[stomach rumbles]

- All right, g*ng,
what's our plan with Lincoln?

- Oh, I got it.
How about mind control?

Or brainwashing?

No, this is it--
subliminal messaging.

- I'm just gonna flat-out
nab his magic kit.

- [stomach rumbles] Ohh.
Is that really the best i--

- And he's already gone.

[mischievous music]

- [laughs]

[gasps]
Not today, dark arts.

[grunts]
Huh? Ahh!

[all munching]

[grunting]

- Uh, where's the magic kit?

- I didn't get it.
It got me.

- Now can we use
mental manipulation?

- I have a better idea.

- You're going to let Zach
use mental manipulation now.

- And Rusty's already gone.

- Hey, L-Rock, before you go
all-in this magic thing,

you might wanna see the sweet
dance moves I got planned.

Hit me with that b*at,
Chef Pat.

[hip-hop music playing]

Aw, yeah.

Hm!
Not doing it for you, yet?

Then how about this?

- Ahh! [grunts]
[crashing]

- It worked.
Hey, where'd he go?

- [groaning]

- Okay, now we're
trying it my way.

Clyde, I'm gonna
need your help.

- Ohh.

- Thanks for buying me a snack,Clyde.

You have no idea how much it
costs to feed and house a dove.

- You bet.

Just two best friends
sharing some dried apples.

Nothing unusual at all.

- Whoo-hoo, those are
some healthy choices, boys.

- Hey, guys.
Fancy running into you here.

- At school?

- Behold,
this antique pocket watch.

Look closely at it,
and relax your mind.

- Zach, why are you showing me
an old watch?

- Shh. Just focus on the watch.

Let's talk about dancing.
It's so cool.

You want to dance.
You need to dance.

- Nice try, Zach, but I'm
sticking with my magic act.

- I don't understand
why it didn't work.

- ♪ I wanna boot-scoot,
I need to boot scoot ♪

♪ Oh, yeah,
oh, yeah ♪

- What happened?
We just saw Lincoln leave

and that feller
wasn't dancin'.

- Stupid dollar store
pocket watch.

[grunts]
[crashing, cat yelps]

- Don't worry, guys.

I think I know someone
who can help us.

- [humming]

[alphorn blowing]
Hm?

- Yoo-hoo.
Any requests?

I'll yodel any song you like.

- Uhh, no I'm good.

Cool horn.
- Oh, thank you.

- The name's Yodel Boy.
Pleased to meet you.

- Lincoln Loud.
Yodel Boy?

That's...unique.

- Well,
that wasn't always my name.

- [gasps]
- [blows horn]

[shimmering tone]

I had a normal name,

Yohan Yohanononon.

That was before the
middle school talent show.

My friends tried to warn me.
[feedback rings]

They said
yodeling wasn't cool,

and there's a reason it's only
done alone on mountaintops.

[inhales]

[yodeling]

[all laughing]

- Is that guy yodeling?
- That guy.

- One day, you're just
another sixth grader...

[struggling]
and the next, you're...

- [laughs] Yodel Boy!
Yodel Boy!

All: Yodel Boy!
Yodel Boy!

Yodel Boy! Yodel Boy!
- Ahh! Wah! [grunts]

That one talent show
ruined my entire reputation.

It haunted me
all through middle school.

- Hmm, reputation.

[gasps]
Boy am I glad I ran into you.

You saved my butt!
Thanks, Yodel Boy.

- Great job, Yodel Boy.

- Danke.

- Ooh, hoo! Can't stop
this here train, y'all.

- Why do people keep calling me
a redhead?

Clearly, I'm strawberry blonde.

- Guys!
[shoes screech]

I'm glad I found you!

You know, I've been thinking,

I'm gonna join
your dance thing.

I think you'll do better
with an even number of dancers.

- What about magic?

- Magic will always be there.
That's the magic of it.

- You've got a lot
to catch up on.

How strong is
your summersault game?

- All right, guys.
Bring it in.

Okay, we all worked
really hard,

so let's go out there
and be cool.

But don't let them know
that we know we're cool,

'cause that's--
that's not cool.

- Got it. Be cool.

- Oh, I almost forgot.
I bedazzled us some headbands.

Oh, Clyde, not that locker!

- Ah! Ohh.
[crashing]

- [struggling efforts]

- Hey, that looks like
Yodel Boy's horn

and lederhosen.
- No, those are my lederhosen.

They, uh, hold my pants up.

- You've never worn them
before.

What's going on around here?
- [stomach rumbling]

- Ohh, I can't take it anymore!

Lincoln, we created a fictional
Swiss goat herder

with an ear for music
and a tragic backstory

to stop you from doing magic
and ruining your reputation!

- What? Why?

- We did it because
we're your friends.

- Yeah, man. We couldn't just
let you go out there

and embarrass yourself
in front of everyone.

- Wow. I guess middle school
really changes people--

even the ones you thought
were your best friends.

If you all think
I'm so embarrassing,

then maybe I should just go.

- You guys are up.
Ha, good luck topping my act.

Whoa, whoa!
[crashing]

[all groan]

[upbeat dance music]
all: Ooh!

[grunting efforts]

- Heh, heh.

♪ ♪

- I can't do this!

[music stops]

- [coughs]

[melancholy music]

♪ ♪

- Hi, everyone.

We, uh, had a dance routine
prepared,

but we're actually not going
to perform it.

- Because of us,
our friend didn't get

to perform his magic act.

- That magic show was really
important to the feller.

So, Lincoln, if you're here,
we're really sorry.

[all booing, laughing]

- Guys, I don't think
he's coming back.

- Okay, sorry. I guess that's
the end of the talent show.

- No it's not!

[circus music]

Now, who's ready
for some magic?

[poof]

Ladies and gentlemen, my name
is Lincoln the Magnificent.

And these guys in the
shiny pants are my volunteers.

Their methods
may be questionable,

but they're always
looking out for me.

Chef Pat, kick it.

[thrilling music playing]

♪ ♪

- Ahh!

- Uhh!
[thud]

- [laughs] What?

Uh!

[poof]

♪ ♪

Uh!

What?

[all gasp]

[laughs]

♪ ♪

- Tada!

[all cheering]

♪ ♪

[poof]

[cheers and applause]

- Lincoln, that was amazing.

You sure proved us wrong.
- Yeah!

Who knew magic was so cool?

- I'm sorry we tricked you,
buddy.

- We're all sorry. We should've
believed in you more.

[all agreeing]

- Ah, it's all good.

Come on, bring it in.

all: Aww!

[crowd cheering]
- I thought you were

the last act.

Who's performing now?

- I'ma bootin', I'ma scootin',

I'ma--whoa!
[grunts]

Ohh. Uh--ooh.

Now how did I get here?

- ♪ Cramped inside
this tiny space ♪

♪ May sound bad
but ain't the case ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪
- ♪ Loud house ♪

- ♪ Duck and dodge
and push and shove ♪

♪ That's the way we show
our love in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Loud house ♪

♪ Laundry piles
stacked up high ♪

♪ Hand-me-downs
that make me cry ♪

♪ Stand in line
to take a pee ♪

♪ Never any privacy ♪

♪ Chaos with kids ♪

♪ That's the way
it always is ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪
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