03x16 - Gomer the Recruiter

[bunniefuu]

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

GRAY: Come in.

Sergeant Carter
reporting as ordered, sir.

At ease.

Sergeant, how fast can
you get your gear packed

and be ready to move out?

Move out, sir?

Am I being transferred?

Yes. This morning we had
a memo from headquarters

regarding the new
recruiting drive.

They want experienced
platoon sergeants

to man the recruiting booths.

Yes, sir. They're out
to top last year's record,

Sergeant, and they
feel that a career man

can best reflect the
image of the Corps.

Well, I haven't had
much experience

in recruiting, sir,
but if I'm needed.

You're being
assigned to Hollywood,

one of our most vital areas.

Hollywood, sir?

You mean I'll be
stationed in Hollywood?

That's right.

Does it appeal to you?

Yes, sir.

And like I was saying, kid,

in the Marines, we got
what we call "esprit de corps."

Now in plain English, that
means "spirit, honor, pride."

So it's not a question of

whether you want to
join the Marines or not,

it's a question of whether
you're good enough.

Okay, Sergeant, sounds good.

Where are those papers?

They're right here.

Just sign your name.

Yeah.

Congratulations, pal,
you're practically on the team.

Now, here. You take this paper,

there's a jeep
waiting on the corner,

it'll take you down
to the federal building

where they give
you your physical.

And good luck to you, buddy.

Hey, Navy!

Navy!

That's number five,
and it ain't even noon yet!

(cackling)

Eat your heart out, swab jockey.

Don't give up the ship!

(laughing)

PYLE: Surprise,
surprise, surprise.

Pyle!

I just knew you'd be
surprised to see me,

Sergeant, I just knew it.

You are surprised, aren't you?

You sure look surprised.

What are you doing here, Pyle?

How did you get here?

If you're worried about
me being AWOL, Sergeant,

I got a pass.

Never mind your pass.

What are you doing in Hollywood?

It was fate, Sergeant,
just a stroke of fate.

I was down in
Oceanside this morning,

just wandering around
looking for something to do.

They was fixing the street,

and I watched the
steamroller for awhile.

Then I decided to go
over to the drugstore

and weigh myself.

And I dropped a penny in,

and out popped this card,
and guess what it said.

I don't know, Pyle.

"173 pounds"

and "You're going
to go visit a friend."

And I thought, well, who
in the world could that be?

Then I happened to
think of you, Sergeant,

up here recruiting.

So I hopped a bus and
decided to pay you a visit.

It was fate, just like I said.

Yeah, it was fate all right.

Well, you've had
your visit, Pyle.

And I know you're
anxious to get back, so...

I'll be seeing you.

Well, to tell you
the truth, Sergeant,

after that two-hour bus ride,

I was kind of planning
on a little longer visit.

Well, do some sightseeing.

Take a walk in the tar pits.

I seen the tar pits, Sergeant.

Remember I sent
you that postcard?

Then go to the
Hollywood Wax Museum

and talk to the dummies.

Go take a walk on the freeway.

Go do something, just b*at it.

If you say so, Sergeant.

I just wish there was
something around here

I could do to help you out.

Listen, Pyle,

one of the reasons I
took this assignment

was to get away from
knuckleheads like you.

Now b*at it.

Oh, good morning, pal.

You interested in joining up?

Well, here, why don't you take
a look at some of our literature?

Thanks, Sergeant.
I'm thinking about it.

Well, pal, it's just
like the sign says,

"The Marines build men."

Yeah, Sergeant,

but I've heard the
training's pretty rugged,

and I'm not much in
the muscle department.

Oh, the Marines
don't care about that.

When you finish boot
camp, you'll be a new man.

You'll have your chest out,

your shoulders
back, your head high.

You'll have muscles you
never even knew you had.

Pyle, what do you
think you're doing?

I was just showing him what
the Marines could do for a person.

I used to be skinny myself.

You remember how I looked,
Sergeant, when I showed up?

Boy, I was a mess.

I was round shouldered

and spindly and
all out of shape.

But you know what did it for me?

Push-ups.

Hundreds and
hundreds of push-ups.

Pyle... But don't you worry.

I thought that I was
just going to collapse

I had to do so many push-ups.

I thought I'd never make it,

but I did, and I'm glad I did,

and you will be, too. Pyle...

And the obstacle course.

Did you ever hear about
the obstacle course?

It's tough? Is it ever.

First time I ever tried it, I
wrenched my shoulders

by just going over the wall.

And then I fell
in the water ditch,

and I got my feet all tangled up

in the cargo
net... I was a sight.

But don't you worry about it.

Excuse us, pal.

Pyle, come here.

Pyle, you numbskull,
what are you trying to do,

ruin a prospect?

I just wanted to let that
fella know what to expect.

I was just helping
you out, is all.

Well, don't help out.

Just get out of here now.

But, Sergeant... No
buts, just get out of here.

He's gone. Where'd he go?

He went over there,
Sergeant. Hmm?

Now, I wonder what made him
want to switch over to the Army?

Yeah, I wonder.

Pyle, you knucklehead,

we're trying to set
an enlistment record,

and you just cost us a man.

Sergeant, I'm sorry,
I just thought I was...

Pyle, get out of here.

You understand? Get out of here.

Take a bus, a train, I don't
care, just get out of here.

I'm ordering you
out of the city.

But, Sergeant... Pyle,
I'm gonna count to ten

and you better be gone.
One, two, three, four...!

(telephone rings)

Downtown recruiting booth.

Sergeant Carter speaking.

Oh, Lieutenant Johnson.

What's that, sir?

How long, sir?

Oh.

Well, uh, what do I
do about the stand, sir?

Right.

Nuts. There goes
another hour or more

of valuable recruiting time.

What are you doing, Sergeant?

I'm closing up,
that's what I'm doing.

Headquarters wants
me to check on a recruit

I signed up this
morning. That's a shame.

You have to close up, do you?

That's right, Pyle.

Gee, Sergeant, if nobody's here

and somebody shows up,

we're liable to lose
another man to the Army.

I know, I know, you don't
have to tell me that, Pyle.

Well, that's a shame, Sergeant,

with you trying to break
the recruiting record and all.

There must be
something you can do?

Wait a minute, Sergeant.

I'm not doing anything.

How 'bout if I... No! No!

Well, you would... No!

I said no. N-O! It's out!

No, no, no! Never!

Would you like
to think about it?

Pyle, I would have to
have rocks in my head

to let you take over here.

Now forget it!

But, Sergeant... I'd
just be sitting here.

And if anybody come along,

I could just tell them to
wait until you got back.

Please, Sergeant,
I feel bad enough,

you know, causing you to
lose that other man and all.

Pyle, I told you!

But I wouldn't say
a word, Sergeant.

I'd just sit here and maybe
hand out some literature

and just tell them to
wait until you got back.

That way we won't lose another
man to the Army, Sergeant.

Please?

You'd just tell them to wait?

You won't do any recruiting?

You won't try to
sign anybody up?

No, Sergeant, I'll
just hand them out

some literature, and that's all.

Yeah, well...

maybe you could just
keep the booth open

until I get back.

Wait a minute,
let's just be sure.

Repeat this after me, Pyle.

"I'm sorry, you'll have to wait.

Sergeant Carter will be
back shortly." Say that.

I'm sorry, you'll have to wait.

Sergeant Carter
will be back shortly.

Again, Pyle.

I'm sorry, you'll have to wait.

Sergeant Carter
will be back shortly.

Now do you think you
can remember that?

Sure, Sergeant. Good.

Now I'll type it out for you.

(whistling)

Hey, there.

Oh, hi.

Could you give me
some information?

I'm sorry, you'll have to wait.

Sergeant Carter
will be back shortly.

Yeah, well, I just
want to ask you

a few questions
about the Marines.

I'm sorry, you'll have to wait.

Sergeant Carter
will be back shortly.

What is it, a recording?

You want to know about
the Marines? Yeah, I do.

Well, I'm not supposed
to tell you anything,

but come here.

Now this is off the record,

but if you want
to join the service,

the Marines is about
the best branch there is.

You couldn't go wrong.

But don't tell
anybody I told you.

Don't tell anybody?

No, on account of

I'm not supposed
to try to recruit you

or sign you up.

You're not? No.

But the Marines are the best.

And if I was you, I'd join up.

But, remember, mum's the word.

You got it?

Yeah, I got it.

Well, good.

This is Candid Camera, right?

And you're... you're
what's-his-name.

Hey, where's the camera?

Is that the camera back there?

(alarm jangling)

What's that?

That's part of the gag, right?

(alarm continues)

(siren wailing)

Well, wait a minute, sir. Fella?

I'm just gonna go take a look.

I'll try to get
back to you later.

Well, if you wait, Sergeant
Carter could explain it to you.

Hey, there.

If you're interested
in joining the Marines,

you'll have to wait.

Sergeant Carter
will be back shortly.

You see, I'm just watching
this place for my sergeant.

And he'll be back
in just a few minutes.

If you don't mind waiting.

I don't think I can wait.

Oh, well, please wait, sir.

Sergeant Carter
will be right back,

and he'll explain it all to you.

And I'm sure you'll want
to sign up with the Marines.

What happens if I sign up?

What then? Do I move right out?

Oh, yes, sir.

You go right down
to the federal building

and have your physical,
and then before you know it,

they ship you right out to
boot camp down in San Diego.

San Diego, huh?

They'll take me right
down to San Diego?

Yes, sir. That's
the induction depot.

Okay, good.

Give me the papers.
I'll sign right up.

Well, I'd love to sign you up,

but I'm not supposed to do that.

Can't you wait?

No, I can't wait.

Look, you don't want me,

I'll go right over there
to the Army or the Navy.

Now wait a minute,
please don't do that.

I'm not allowed to do this,

but rather than lose you
to the Army or the Navy...

well, I will.

Okay, but make it snappy, huh?

Yes, sir.

I guess the best thing
to start out with here

would be your name.

Uh, Smith.

John Smith.

Smith.

John Smith.

That's a nice, easy name
for everybody to remember.

Let's see now, John,

if you'll just sign right here,

then they'll fill out
the rest of it for you.

Now you go right down
yonder to that jeep,

and they'll take you down
to the federal building.

Well, congratulations,
John Smith.

I know your folks will
be real proud of you

when they've heard
what you've done.

On behalf of the Marine Corps,

wish you a world of luck.

Hey, Officer.

All those sirens I
heard a while back,

what was that all about?

There was a bank robbery
just a few minutes ago.

A bank robbery?

Yeah, the National Bank.

Happen just up the street.

Well, did they catch the robber?

No, but they will.

Hey, Sergeant.

Guess what?

You'll never guess
what happened.

Don't tell me you
recruited the cop?

No, Sergeant,
there was a robbery,

and the robber's still loose.

Yeah, well, what about here?

Did anybody stop by?

Well, as a matter of fact,
there was one customer.

Yeah? Well, where is he?
Did you tell him to wait?

Well, he was in such a
hurry, Sergeant, that...

That what, Pyle? What?

Well, I had to
sign him up myself.

You what?!

Well, he was going
over to the Navy,

and we had already
lost one man, Sergeant,

so... Give me that!

John Smith?

Did I do the right
thing, Sergeant? Did I?

Well, yes and no, Pyle.

You disobeyed an order!

But if it meant
losing a recruit,

well, I guess you did do right.

Hey, you know, with
this John Smith guy

and the ones I
signed up this morning,

I'm doing pretty darn good.

Well, that's
wonderful, Sergeant.

Well, it's getting chow time,

so I think I'll go
get me a bite to eat.

Uh, yeah, you do that, Pyle.

Don't you worry
though, Sergeant.

I'll be right back just
as soon as I finish.

You don't have to bother, Pyle!

MAN: Big bank holdup!
Yeah! Get your paper here!

Big bank holdup! Hey, extra!

Read all about it!
Big bank robbery!

Read all about it!

"Downtown Bank Robbery."

Do you know this
happened right near

where I was recruiting,
just down the block?

Yeah? How about that?

Yep. This is it.

"The robbery took place
during the noontime rush hour.

"The bank cashier
reported that the gunman

"was of medium height,
wore dark glasses.

"He stuffed the money
in a black leather bag,

"fled from the bank,

and disappeared in
the downtown crowd."

Medium height, dark glasses,
and carried a black bag.

Now, where have I seen that?

Shazam.

Yes, sir. Going real good, sir.

I've signed up eight
new recruits so far.

Sergeant! Sergeant Carter!

Quiet, Pyle. I'm on the phone.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Well, I was just
doing my duty, sir.

Right. Good-bye.

Sergeant? Pyle,
what do you want?

What did you come back for?

Sergeant, I just had to see you.

Okay. Okay. So you're back.

Well, even you can't spoil this.

That was the captain.

I broke the recruiting
record in this area.

How about that?

That's wonderful, Sergeant.

Congratulations.

And I hate to admit it,

but it was that Smith
guy you signed up

that put me over the top!

Well, that's what I had to
see you about, Sergeant.

That John Smith fella...

I got my reasons to be
suspicious about him.

Suspicious? What
are you talking about?

Well, I may be wrong, Sergeant.

In fact, I hope I am wrong.

But, according to the
afternoon paper here,

the bandit that held up the bank

had a marked resemblance
to that John Smith.

And it happened real
close by, Sergeant.

And right after
the sirens went off,

this fella came up
real anxious to join up.

What? Give me that.

Where does it say anything
about that Smith character?

Where? Where? Where?

Right there.

"The gunman was
of medium height,

dark glasses, and
carried a black bag."

That's him, Sergeant.

That description
fits him to a "T",

the man I recruited. No!

'Course I have my doubts.

Why would a bank robber
want to join the Marines?

Why? I'll tell you why.

For a hideout, that's why!

The police probably
have a dragnet

thrown around the entire city,

and a Marine induction depot

would be the perfect
place for him to hide out.

He'll probably lay low at
the base until the heat's off,

and then he goes AWOL!

AWOL! Then he'll
really be in trouble.

No. I'll be the one in trouble

when they find
out that my office

recruited a bank robber!

I just feel terrible, Sergeant.

Why didn't I let
him join the Navy?

John Smith!

When they hear about
this, I'll be the laughingstock.

"Carter the hoodlum recruiter."

"The sergeant with a
pipeline to the Mafia."

But they'll get him, Sergeant.

They're bound to get
him sooner or later.

Yeah, Pyle, but
the idea is to get him

before he gets
sworn in as a Marine

so I won't look like a
dumbbell, you dumbbell!

We'll just have to go
down to the federal building,

and get him before he
finishes taking his physical.

Get him? How?

Well, we'll just walk in

and ask for John
Smith, that's all.

That's all?

A guy on the lam,
and you just go in

and ask for him
by name. Brilliant.

Well, then we'll
just have to go...

John Smith was a
phony name to begin with.

He's probably
changed it again by now.

Well, then, I'll just have to try
and recognize him, Sergeant.

You really have to try, Pyle.

You really have to!

Golly! Would you
look at that, Sergeant?

Which one is he, Pyle?

Do you see him? Point him out.

Well, I don't know, Sergeant.

In all that underwear,
that all look alike.

SERGEANT: All right, you
men, let's keep it moving!

Those of you have had your
eye tests, report for X ray.

Sergeant, look! Over there!

That black bag! Huh?

That's him,
Sergeant. That's him.

I'd know that black
bag anywhere.

So it's a black bag.

There's a lot of black bags.

But that's it. That's
really it, Sergeant.

I know for sure. Come on.

Pyle.

Shame, shame, shame! What?

Thought you was really
being clever, didn't you?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Can we see your papers?

Calling yourself John Smith.

I'll bet that's not even
your name... John.

Well, it isn't. It's
Howard Goldsmith.

You were right, Sergeant.

He did change it again.

Goldsmith, what
are you doing here?

I'll tell you what he's
doing here, Sergeant.

He's hiding from
the police is what.

He's what?

PYLE: That's
right. He's a robber.

A fugitive from justice.

Just look in that black bag

and see what you find.

Just look in there
and see what you find.

There's nothing
in here but books.

Books?

Advanced Study of
Molecular Physics.

Liquid Versus Solid Propellants.

These are textbooks.

SERGEANT: What
is this, Sergeant?

Goldsmith here is an honor
graduate from CalTech.

He's being processed

and sent directly to
Officer's Training School.

Officer's Training? Pyle!

Golly, Sergeant, if you ask me,

I think we owe Goldsmith
here an apology.

Maybe even a salute.

Sorry, Goldsmith.

Me, too. I'm just as sorry
as I can be, gentlemen.

Oh, come on, Pyle!

It was a terrible
mistake, Sergeant,

and I feel just
heartsick about it.

Don't talk to me, Pyle.
Just don't talk to me.

Of all the stupid mistakes!

Well, he's got to be in
this building somewhere.

I just know it, Sergeant!

Maybe he's taking one of
those written examinations.

Why don't we check?

I'll do the checking.

You stay here.

You made enough
trouble for one day.

All right, Sergeant.

If you feel like you can
do better without me.

I'll just stay here and
keep my eyes peeled.

Yeah! And keep your mouth shut!

Sergeant Carter!
Sergeant Carter!

I've got him! What
are you doing?!

Sergeant Carter, come
quick! What's going on?

Sergeant Carter! Pyle,
what are you doing?!

I've got the bandit!
Grab his bag!

Are you out of your mind?!

I got him as he
came out the door.

Help, somebody!

A stethoscope. Stethoscope?

What did you expect
to find, you idiot?!

I'm Dr. Ferguson of the VA!

I was on my way to surgery!

A doctor?

Of course he's a
doctor, Pyle! You...

I'm sorry, sir.

You see, he thought
you were a fugitive.

A fugitive?

You're the only ones who
are fugitives around here!

Now, let me tell you this.

If I ever see
either of you again,

I'll have you committed
for observation!

I know, Pyle. You're sorry.

You're very sorry.

Well, I don't have time.

The processing
officer just told me

that two truckloads of recruits

left earlier for the
induction depot,

and I'm going to
try to catch them.

You still haven't heard
it from me, Sergeant.

I'm just as sorry
as I can be. I...

Come on! But, Sergeant...
Come on! Come on!

Look, Sergeant! Up
ahead! Up ahead!

(horn honking)

What's the big idea, Sergeant?

Are you bucking for an accident?

This is an emergency.

You carrying Marines back there?

Yeah, but...

Then get them out!
Every one of them!

Oh, now, listen, Sergeant...

Come on! That's an
order! Never mind! Let's go!

And watch yourself, too.

One of them might be a fugitive

and try to make a break for it.

Sergeant, are you...?

Just get them out of the truck!

Okay, okay. Okay, in there!

Everybody out of the truck!
And make it on the double!

That means you, John Smith,
or whatever your name is!

All right, all right!
What's going on here?

What's the big idea?

DRIVER: That's what I was trying

to tell you, Sergeant, it's a
detachment of women Marines

just back from assignment.

You satisfied?

You think he's already at the
induction center, Sergeant?

Is that what you think?

No, Pyle, that's not
what I was thinking.

'Cause if he is, Sergeant,
I'll find him for you.

I'll find him if it kills me.

That's what I was thinking!

Ten-hut!

All right, you've all
passed your physicals.

You are now ready
to be sworn in.

Look, Sergeant, they're
about to take their oaths.

I know, Pyle, I know.

Let's see, now, if I
can just spot somebody

with a black bag.
Forget the bags, Pyle.

We've had enough of
you and your black bags.

Now just look for the crook.

Sergeant? Yeah?

Look, there it is.

There's the black bag. Huh?

Pyle, I told you...

And, Sergeant, the hat, the hat.

Well, that still
doesn't mean that...

And the glasses,
Sergeant, the dark glasses.

Huh?

And that I will bear true faith

and allegiance to
the Constitution,

and that I will obey
the orders of the...

Excuse me, sir.

Sergeant, what's
the meaning of this?

(inaudible)

At ease, men.

You. I want to see
you in my office.

What's the matter, Captain?

What have I done? In
the office, in the office.

All right, go ahead, Sergeant.

Well, if we can just
check the bag, sir.

Well, sure.

It's empty, Sergeant.

Empty?

It's empty, Pyle,
there's nothing in it.

Now if we can just get
along with the induction.

But, Sergeant, I just
know he's the criminal. I do.

Why don't you admit...

Look, Sergeant, the money.

He had it.

You're right, Pyle, it's him.

It's Private Smith.

My, my, sure enough is.

Guess this is what you call

a real honest-to-goodness
shakedown, huh, Sergeant?

(laughing)

Yes, indeed, it
was a job well done,

and the fact that the
holdup man is in custody

and scheduled for
sentencing is due directly

to your alertness.

Well, thank you, sir.

It was just a simple
matter of tracking him down.

The only thing I regret,
sir, is because of that crook,

Sergeant Carter missed breaking

the recruiting record.

Nevertheless, you
did such a fine job

during the time
you were up there,

we'd like you to take
another cr*ck at it.

You mean I'll be going
back to Hollywood, sir?

Yes, for another week.

Between the two of you,
you should do very well.

The two of us, sir?

Yes. You and Pyle.

Pyle, sir, with me?

You seemed to
work so well together,

Headquarters wants
to keep you as a team.

Well, isn't that wonderful?

We're a team, Sergeant.

Just think, we'll be
in that booth together

for a whole week.

My, my!