03x20 - Sue the Pants Off 'Em

[bunniefuu]

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

Come on, Gomer,
come on, it's still early.

Look, we hop a bus to Tijuana

for the daily-double
at Caliente,

grab a taco, then
later on tonight,

we take in the Jai Lai games.

What do you say?
I don't know, Duke.

That just sounds like
too much running around.

I just feel more like relaxing.

Relaxing? What
do you want to do,

feed the pigeons in the park?

No, I didn't bring
my breadcrumbs.

What I thought I'd do

is just wander around town here,

do some window shopping,

then go over to the
w*r surplus store.

They're having a sale
on some sweat socks.

And then I thought I
may have an orange-slush

and just head on back to camp.

Yeah, that sounds
like a real fun day.

Well, you won't
change your mind, then?

Oh, no, Duke.

You go ahead and
have a real good time.

I'll see you. Okay, Gomer.

Stay relaxed. Oh, I will.

I will.

Don't worry about me.

(clamoring)

R-V-5... E! Got it!

The reckless maniac!

All right, all right,
stand back, everybody.

Stand back, give him air!

The boy's been run down!

How bad are you hurt, son?

But I'm not hurt, mister.

I just kind of lost my balance

for a second. Loss of balance?

Let's hope it's
not a concussion.

Keep him warm.

He's liable to go into shock.

Somebody send for an ambulance!

Oh, an ambulance?

I don't need an ambulance.

I'm fine. Really, I am.

Lie still, son.

My name's Wayne Henshaw.

Lucky for you, I got
the license number.

I was eyewitness to the
whole gruesome scene.

That's very nice, Mr. Henshaw,

but I really feel fine.

Now, I'll just be on my way...

Don't move, son. Listen to me.

You may have broken
bones, internal injuries.

Why, for all we know, you
should be in the hospital.

A hospital!

Oh, no, Mr. Henshaw.

Believe me, you
got it all wrong.

I feel fine.

I wasn't even touched.

Son, will you listen to me?!

There are legal
implications in this.

Mr. Henshaw, are you a lawyer?

I'm glad you asked me that,

and before I answer it,

let me ask you a few questions.

How do you know
you're not hurt, Gomer?

How do you know?

Well, for one thing,
I don't feel any pain.

Nothing hurts.

Nothing hurts, he says.

Oh, you Marines, all courage.

Well, I wasn't
hurt, Mr. Henshaw,

and I guess that's
all that matters

in the long run.

That's all that matters?!

A hit-and-run driver is loose,

k*lling people in the streets,

and you say that's
all that matters.

Why don't we find out
his name and address

and then I'll drop him a note

and tell him how bad
his driving was today.

And in the future just to
please be more careful.

You... you want to take a k*ller

and let him off with
a slap on the wrist

and a "naughty-naughty"?

You call that justice?! No!

We've got to press charges!

Haul this monster into court.

Make him pay! Sue him!

Mr. Henshaw, I couldn't do that.

There's no sense in being mean.

Thank you for your
interest, though, and...

I appreciate you
inviting me for coffee.

Oh, Pyle, uh, listen,

I, uh, I think I left my wallet

in court this morning,

so if you wouldn't
mind... I'll be glad to.

Sure enjoyed your company.

Well, I'll see you.

(knocking on door)

Come in.

Sergeant Carter?

Yeah.

They told me I'd find you here.

Do you have a
Private in your outfit

named Pyle? Gomer Pyle?

Yeah, what about him?

How is he?

Huh?

He's fine, I guess.

What's the trouble?

You mean you haven't heard?

He was in an accident!

Accident?!

Knocked down by
a hit-and-run driver.

I saw the whole thing.

Pyle hit by a car?

When?

He seemed fine at
reveille this morning.

Seemed, eh?

Sergeant,

I'd like to help
this Private Pyle.

There are legal aspects to this

you may not be aware of.

Are you an attorney?

I'm glad you asked
me that, Sergeant.

Henshaw's the name.

You're a perceptive man.

I was eyewitness
to the whole thing.

Saw it all.

You mean to say
Pyle didn't report

on sick call? No.

Well, in a way, that's good.

It'll save Uncle
Sam a lot of money.

Huh?

Look, Sergeant, if
Pyle went on sick call,

that could mean
weeks of tests, X-rays

that would cost the government

a bundle, right?

Well, what do you suggest we do?

Do?!

We're going to move
ahead with our corpus delicti.

Huh? Sergeant,

maybe you can talk
some sense into this Pyle.

Make him press charges.

Throw the book at
that hot-rodder maniac!

Oh, boy.

Them knuckleheads
can't even cross a street

if I'm not there to
watch over them.

They need me around
every minute of the day,

just to look after them.

Precisely why I have
come to you, Sergeant.

He now needs your
intelligent guiding hand

to lead him out
of this situation.

Will you help?

Well, okay, Mr. Henshaw.

I'll see Pyle later

and I'll have a talk with him.

Good!

I'll leave you my card.

You can get in
touch with my office.

Right.

Oh, uh, Sergeant,

you're somewhere
in the 30s, aren't you?

Well, yeah, why?

Have you ever
thought of filing a will?

A will?

Well, think about it.

You have my card.

Golly, Duke,

is your back feeling
as sore as mine?

What do you expect, Gomer,
digging all those ditches?

Personally, I've always
enjoyed an afternoon

of ditch-digging

out in the fresh air and
working with the dirt,

but, boy, it sure
got to me this time.

Right there in my back.

Right between my
shoulder blades.

Well, that's no wonder,
you were shoveling away

like a bulldozer. (groans)

What you need is
a little manipulating

to get the kinks out.

Here.

Right there?

Uh, no. Down a
little bit to the left.

Over here? Yeah, that's it.

(screams)

Pyle.

What's the matter?

What's wrong with your back?

Oh, hey, Sergeant.

We was just out digging
and I guess I overdid it.

Digging, huh?

How do you know it
wasn't from the accident?

Accident?

What accident?

Yesterday, when you
were knocked down

by that hit-and-run
driver. I know all about it.

Hit-and-run driver?

Oh, you must've been
talking to that Mr. Henshaw.

Did he come all
the way down here?

Gomer, you never said
anything about an accident.

Well, I didn't say anything,

'cause there was
nothing to talk about.

I wasn't even hurt.

How do you know
you weren't hurt, Pyle?

You could be laid
up in the hospital

for the rest of your enlistment,

and you know who
gets stuck with the bill?

Us taxpayers!
You call that fair?

But, Sergeant, I
didn't... And what about

that hit-and-run maniac
that's out there racing around?!

You going to forgive him?!

What are you, Mr. Nice Guy?

Private Sweet?

Well, Sergeant...

Pyle, from what this Henshaw

tells me, there could
be complications later on.

But, Sergeant, I wasn't
hit and I wasn't hurt.

What about the pain in you back?

Oh, a little heat will
take care of that fine.

You know what
I'll think I'll do,

is take a nice long, hot shower.

Then in the morning,
I'll be feeling my...

Oh!

That settles it!

We're seeing Henshaw right now!

I was afraid of this, Sergeant.

I was afraid it would
show up a day later.

It is the back, isn't it?

Yeah.

Where does it hurt, Pyle?

But Mr. Henshaw,

there's really nothing
wrong with my back.

I can move around just as...

Pyle, I saw you all bent over.

But, Sergeant, that was from...

What do you want to do?

Cost Uncle Sam... Gentlemen!

Why are we wasting
time on amateur diagnosis.

Let's get the word
of a professional man.

But I don't need... Pyle,

can't you see that this
is for your own good?!

Now, if you don't have
brains enough to help yourself,

let somebody else do it for you!

For crying out loud!

Right.

Now, why not have
my good friend,

Len Purdy have a look at you.

Purdy? Is he a doctor?

I'm glad you asked
me that, Sergeant.

I don't really think
that I need a doctor.

No, son, a specialist.

And luckily he's
just down the hall.

Finest bone man in the country.

But we may

not be able to
get in to see him,

got more patients
than he can handle.

But if he knew it
was a serviceman,

and a professional
courtesy to me...

Well, it can't hurt to try.

(ringing)

Hello.

(clears throat)

Doc Purdy here.

Oh, it's you, Wayne.

(yawning): Wayne...

What time is the gin game?

Oh, I'm sorry, Doc.

I hate pulling you away
from a patient like this,

but we have a little
emergency here.

Oh, really?

Yes, a young
serviceman, a Marine,

knocked down by a
speeding car in a crosswalk.

Complains about his back.

(chuckling): You got
one of those, huh?

Is it a winner?

Well, that's why we
wanted to see you.

You see, he doesn't
think it's serious.

Now, before we set the
legal machinery in motion,

we want to be sure
we have a valid case.

Yeah, yeah, I got the
picture, Wayne, yeah.

Now, look, before
I get involved,

let's discuss settlement, hmm.

Oh, I know how
busy you are, Doc,

but if you could just
check the boy over,

we'd both be indebted to you.

Indebted like how much?

Let me mention a figure.

$500?

Five!

Five will be fine.

We'll see you in five minutes.

He'll squeeze us in,
as a personal favor.

Come on.

Sergeant, I hate to be a pest,

but why take up a doctor's time

over nothing?

Let's just leave it to
the experts, huh, Pyle?

Let us decide.

Sergeant, look.

Have you noticed the
way Pyle is walking?

What?

Yeah, but I think he
always walks that way.

In the Marines?!

Oh, that's hard to
believe, Sergeant.

No, I think this is more serious

than we thought.

Here we are.

Doc!

Doc!

Why does everybody
have to be a hero?

Is it a disgrace to be sick?

Will someone tell me?

Will someone please tell me?

Why, Doc, you look like
you've just come out of surgery.

Yes, I did.

Oh, hello.

Hello, Counselor.

A patient of mine came in

for his annual... oh, please.

Came in for his annual check up.

And he said that
he's feeling all right

except for perhaps
a little heartburn.

You know what that
heartburn turned out to be?

Appendicitis.

And I got it in
the nick of time.

But, oh, how I hate these

office operations.

You mean you just
finished operating on a guy?

Where is he?

Well, I stitched him
up and sent him home.

Oh, these heroes, these martyrs.

Excuse me, please.

Now, then,

what seems to be
troubling you, boy?

Uh, uh, not me, him.

Oh, oh, yes.

Now, then, what is it, boy?

Well, nothing except

for a little crick
here in my back,

I'm feeling just fine.

All I can tell you, Doc,

is that I saw this young
man knocked down

by a speeding car,
that's all I know.

Now, he may be right,

and there may be
nothing wrong with him,

But why don't you
take it from there?

Ah.

In here, boy.

Well, I appreciate
your interest and all,

but I really don't
need an examination.

Well, if he says he's all right,

he doesn't seem to
need me, now does he?

No, no, no, wait, please!

Sergeant,

you know how to
get through to him,

don't you?

Pyle, stop b*ating
around the bush

and stop stalling
and get in there!

Move, move, move, move, move!

Well said, Sergeant.

It is an agonizing
pain, isn't it?

Well, no, actually it's not.

You see, it's really
getting better all the time.

Really and truly.

Tell me, boy,

did you talk this way
before your accident?

Yes, sir. Hmm.

Hmm.

Now... (clears throat)

Uh-oh!

What's this?

What's what?

This mark on your shoulder.

It looks like a tire mark.

I see the tread.

What, oh, that's
prob... Get up, boy.

Get up.

Now, let's try this.

(screams)

(groaning)

Dr. Purdy,

I don't mean to criticize
your examination,

but that hurt.

Now walk.

Kind of hurts, doesn't it?

Yes, it does. Yes.

Here, now, take this.

A cane?!

But I don't need a
cane. Take it, Pyle.

Put on your shirt and
I'll see you outside.

Well, Doc?

Well, it's hard to
say without x-rays

but it doesn't look good.

It doesn't?

No, he may possible
end in traction.

Traction?

Well, all I know is
that I felt this back,

and what I felt
didn't feel good.

And what does this mean
in terms of actual costs?

Well, what with
X-rays and therapy...

hmm... I've seen
cases like this run up

into the thousands.

Well, Sergeant,

are you glad I came to see you?

That could be taxpayer's
money in a Marine hospital.

What do you think we
ought to do about it?

I'll tell you what
we'll do about it.

We'll sue the pants off 'em!!

(groans)

Sergeant Carter!
CARTER: Oh, Mr. Henshaw.

I've got good news,
Sergeant, good news!

Yeah? What is it?

I found the hit-and-run
driver, finally tracked him down.

No kidding. Hey, that's great!

Yeah, he tried giving
me a run-around,

but I finally got
him on the phone.

His name is Clark.

He's at Oceanview
Hotel. What do we now?

What do we do, Sergeant?

We're slapping this guy
with a suit for $50,000.

$50,000?!

And we're not taking
a penny less than five.

Huh?

Well, sometimes it's
better to drop your price

and go for the quick settlement.

Yeah. Yeah, well, we'll leave
all that up to you, Mr. Henshaw.

Okay, Sergeant, now,
you and Pyle meet me

outside the Oceanview
Hotel in an hour, okay?

Well, sure, but what
do you need us for?

Well, to show this
guy we mean business.

Once he sees the
victim with his advisers,

he'll write out a
check on the spot.

He has to. We're hitting
him with the corpus delicti.

Yeah, huh?

Well, I'll go tell
Pyle to get ready.

I got him resting
up in the barracks.

Uh, good, good, good.
See you in an hour.

Oh, and be sure
Pyle takes his cane.

Uh, we have to make sure
there's no further damage.

Right.

Hey! Hike!

(men grunting)

Pyle!

What is this?!

What do you think you're doing?!

Well, we was just
playing a little football.

We're off duty.

Football? In your condition?

What are you trying to do...
Hurt yourself some more?

Make further damage?

They don't pay
for football injuries.

Sergeant, I think that
diagnosis was wrong.

My back feels fine.

It hasn't bothered me
at all. Has it, Duke?

No, Sarge. He hasn't
complained at all.

He's been running like a deer.

Oh, you're the big
medical expert, huh, Slater?

What do you know
about internal injuries?

Now, come on, Pyle, get dressed.

You're going into town.

Town?! Why do I
have to go into town?

I'll tell you why, Pyle.

Because you are the
corpus delicti, that's why.

Now, move, move, move!

And get your cane!

(brakes squeak)

Okay, Pyle.

The hotel.

Sergeant, why do we
have to go through with this?

Can't we just drop
all the charges?

No, we can't!

Forgive and forget...
That's you, Pyle.

If this had happened to me,

I would really show
you what suing was like.

Now, come on, let's go.

Well, all right, Sergeant.

Your cane! Where's your cane?

Ah, here we are,
gentlemen, right on time.

I thought it would
be a good idea

to ask Doc Purdy along
as our medical consultant.

Oh, good idea.

We sure appreciate it.

Oh, glad to do it, Sergeant.

But Mr. Henshaw, isn't there
some other way we could do this?

Do we have to sue
the man for money?

It's not the money, Gomer.

We're only interested
in doing what's right.

But I really don't
think that that...

Sergeant!

Pyle, shut your big, fat mouth

and do a little listening.

Touché, Sergeant.

Now remember, I'm used
to dealing with this type,

so let me do all the talking.

This is really embarrassing,
suing a perfect stranger.

I tell you what.

You all go on up, and I'll
just wait for you in the lobby.

But, Gomer... Son,
don't you understand?

You're the
evidence... Exhibit: A.

Where's your cane, boy?

Shouldn't he have a cane, Doc?

Oh, by all means, yes.

But Mr. Henshaw, I
really don't need a cane.

You don't, eh?

Oh, well, perhaps he
doesn't need a cane. Uh, just...

Uh, boy, let's see you walk.

Sir? Let's see you walk.

I want to see
something. Come on.

Yes. (sighs)

Sergeant, does he
always walk that way?

Yeah.

Oh, he needs the cane.

But, golly, I
really don't need...

Sergeant?

Pyle, pipe down
and get the cane!

And stop giving
us all this back talk

and let's get this
thing over with.

Come on, move, move, move!

Bravo!

All right, let's
get it over with.

(buzzer sounds)

Now remember,
leave everything to me.

You know what you can
expect from a hit-and-run driver.

He's probably some
undesirable character.

Maybe even a person
with criminal tendencies.

So just let me... Yes?
Uh, can I help you?

I'm Wayne Henshaw, Mr. Clark.

I spoke to you earlier.

Oh, yes. Come right in.

Now, uh, who was
involved in this accident?

This is the victim.

Private Pyle.

And this is his Sergeant,
Sergeant Carter.

Mm-hmm, and, uh,
who is this gentleman?

One of the finest stereopaths
in the country, Doc Purdy.

How do you do, sir?

Please be seated, gentlemen.

If you don't mind

getting to the
point, Mr. Henshaw.

I'm in somewhat of a hurry.

Excuse me if I
change while you talk.

Yes. Let's skip the formalities.

As I started to tell
you earlier, Clark,

the other day at the
corner of 10th and Main,

you ran down my client,

causing him grievous
bodily injuries.

Now we're here today
to see that my client gets

all that he is entitled to
because of your negligence.

You know, it, uh, strikes me
as rather odd, Mr. Henshaw,

that in 20 years
of driving without

an accident, I
could hit somebody

without knowing about it.

A major?

Yes. I've just been
transferred out here.

In fact, right now,

they're setting up
quarters for me at the base.

Major.

I want to make one
thing clear, Major.

We will not be
intimidated by rank.

Right, Sergeant?

Your car was placed at
the scene of the accident.

I can testify to that fact.

Well, if you say my car
was involved, Mr. Henshaw,

I think the only
thing for me to do is

to turn this matter over
to my insurance company.

Insurance company?

Oh, Major, won't that
complicate things?

We'd all end up
in a big court fight.

And how would it
look in the papers?

Enlisted man suing an officer?

Oh. Well, uh, what
did you have in mind?

Oh, well, I was thinking

of a nice, simple,
out-of-court settlement.

And what kind of a settlement
did you have in mind?

I was thinking we
could settle for $5,000.

Huh?! Is that what you
had in mind, Private?

No, sir.

Can I tell you
what I had in mind?

Please. Gomer!

Well, for two days now,

everybody's been
telling me how bad I feel,

and I keep telling
them I'm all right,

but they just won't believe me.

They got me decked out here
like I was a physical wreck.

I don't need this cane, Major.

Your car never even touched me.

I just stepped back and
tripped over my own big feet.

Now, that's the truth!

And that's what I've had
in mind now for two days.

Well, thank you, Pyle.

Frankly, I suspected as much.

You men have been
taken in by shysters.

Shysters?!

Shysters?! That's right.

Are you a doctor?

What did you say?

What did you ask me?

Are you a doctor?

Am I...?!

Oh, I don't have to stand here
answering ridiculous questions.

I... I'm needed in surgery.

Boy, you pick 'em, Wayne. Ooh!

All right, I'll ask
you, Mr. Henshaw.

Are you an attorney?

I'm glad you asked
me that, Major.

Well, are you or aren't you?

Of course, you aren't.

Now you listen to me.

If you and your phony
doctor friend aren't out of town

in 24 hours, I'll press
charges against you for fraud!

Now, just a minute...

Fraud, Henshaw! Is that clear?!

Obviously, you've
high-pressured my clients

into dropping their case,

but you haven't
heard the last of me!

24 hours, Henshaw!

(grumbles)

Mr. Henshaw, you forgot this!

And it's never too late
to mend your ways.

Sergeant, how could
you let yourself be taken in

by such an obvious phony?

I'm glad you asked me that, sir.

Uh, the fact is, uh,
I was just watching

to see how far he
was going to go.

You know, giving
him enough rope?

But, Sergeant, you said that...

And then I was just going
to zero in on him and whamo!

I see.

CARTER: Oh, I never
really trusted him.

It was something
about his eyes, I think.

But Sergeant, you
were the one that...

Well, it was very
nice meeting you, sir,

and I'm sorry we caused
you all this trouble.

Yeah, we sure are, sir.

And the next time you get sued,

I sure hope they have
a legitimate cause.

Pyle, come on!

Afternoon, gentlemen.

What do you want?

You heard the major.

Oh, a little financial
matter to be settled.

Matter of my bill
for my services.

A bill for... 750 bucks?!

What's that for?

Phone calls,
transportation, paperwork,

secretaries,
miscellaneous overhead.

You got a good case, Henshaw.

Just try and collect.

I will, Sergeant,
because if this is not paid

by the first, I'll be
seeing you in court.

(distant horn honking)

Of all the dirty,
conniving tricks!

We're not going to have
to pay, are we, Sergeant?

Not if I can help it.

(yells)

Get down, get down!

A man hit here!

Somebody get an
ambulance, an ambulance!

Sergeant, what...?

Stay down, Pyle, just stay down.

What's the matter?
What's going on here?

I'll tell you what's
going on here.

You just backed over
Pyle in cold blood.

Look at him lying there.

Oh, this is going to
cost you a bundle.

What are you talking about?

I was an eyewitness.

Now, let's see.

After medical care,
X-rays, time off the job...

Oh, this could come to at
least a couple of thousand,

but we'll go for the
quick settlement.

$750?

You think you're
smart, huh, Sergeant?

(laughs)

Deceitful! Deceitful! Deceitful!

Nice going, Sergeant.

He got what he deserved!

(laughs)

Fool around with us, huh, Pyle?

That was sure
fast-thinking, Sergeant.

(laughs)

J-2-0-6.

Hold it, fellas!

I just saw the whole thing.

Got his license number.

How bad you hurt, son? Huh?

Quimby's the name, and
this is an open-and-shut case

if I ever saw one.

Huh?

You boys have got a case!

Hit-and-run!

Don't you get it?

You hear that, Pyle?

We got ourselves an
open-and-shut case.

We'll sue the pants off of 'em!

PYLE: I'm all for
that, Sergeant,

but first we got to
get me to a doctor.

Not a doctor,
Pyle, a specialist.

Now let's see.

Who could we go to?

I got it.

How about Doc Purdy?

Uh, do you know Doc Purdy?

CARTER: Know him?

He got us $100,000
for our last accident!

But this time, we're going to go

for a half million,
right, Counselor?

Uh, look, fellas, I just
remembered something.

I'm due in court.

But I'll keep in touch.

CARTER: Hey, wait, Counselor!

Don't you want the case?

It's open and shut.

(both laughing)