03x24 - Gomer, the Welsh Rarebit Fiend

[bunniefuu]

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

Excuse me, Sergeant.

Private Slater reporting
to pick up a pass, Sarge.

Huh?

Oh, yeah, Slater.

Here you are.

Me, too, Sergeant.

You, Pyle?

You really think
you deserve a pass

after what happened

out on the infiltration
course this afternoon?

Sir?

The barbed wire,
Pyle, the barbed wire.

Them big wire fences with
all the sharp little things?

Or maybe you don't remember

I had to crawl 100 yards
on my belly to turn you loose.

Oh, that. Yeah, that.

And that and that and that.

Golly, Sergeant, you
know how sorry I am.

I didn't mean to get
you hung up, too.

Here, take your pass, Pyle.

The further away
from here you are,

the better I like it.

Yes, sir.

And, Sergeant, all those things

you said to me out there today,

about being an awful,
terrible specimen of a soldier?

I deserved it. I
deserved every word of it.

Look, Pyle, b*at it, will you,
before I change my mind?

Yes, sir.

I just didn't want you to think

I didn't appreciate
your criticism.

'Cause it's not every sergeant

that pays that much
attention to one man.

Pyle, if you're not out of
here in exactly one second...

See there, that's just
what I was talking about.

Out! Out! Out! Out!
Out! Out! Out! Out!

Well, so much for
the tender farewells.

Where you off to, Gome?

Oh, well, I just
thought I'd go into town

and investigate
something, that's all.

Oh, yeah, what's that?

Gosh, Duke.

I really oughtn't say right now.

Huh?

Well, but if it's any good,

you'll be the first
to know about it

and that's a promise.

Come on, Gome, now
you got me curious.

Give me a little hint.

No, Duke.

It's just that I want to make
sure about it first myself

before I say anything.

You're certainly turning
into a man of mystery.

Well, it's not that,
Duke, it's just that

there's a lot of difference
between a rumor and a fact.

And so far, all I
know is just a rumor.

Well, at least we can take
the bus into town together.

Oh, uh, Gomer, if it's
the new coffee and cake

out at the YWCA, you
don't have to worry,

I already know about that.

Oh, it's something
different, Duke,

something entirely different.

Ma'am.

Don't tell me you're
ready for desert?

Well, to tell you
the truth, ma'am,

I thought I'd have another
order of the very same thing.

Another Welsh rarebit?

Ma'am,

you're looking at a
Welsh rarebit fiend.

I just can't help myself.

Is that so?

It's just awful, ain't it?

I don't know when I've
been so ashamed of myself.

It's gluttony, just
pure gluttony.

What? For not being able

to control my craving
for Welsh rarebit.

I can eat it till the cows
come home, if it's good.

And yours is good
just like I heard it was.

Well, thank you.

My sister and I could always
do with compliments like that.

I'll let you in on
something else, too.

Welsh rarebit is
my one vice in life.

No matter how hard
I try to stop myself.

Now really, young man,

I don't think that's
such a terrible thing.

Oh, it is, it's terrible,
terrible, terrible.

My goodness, you weren't joking

when you said was
a Welsh rarebit fiend.

Well, it's terrible,
ain't it, just terrible.

Oh, I don't know.

You're a marine,
you're supposed to eat.

Just so long as it
doesn't affect you.

Affect me?

How could it affect me?

You know, at night.

Ma'am?

They say the Welsh rarebit
gives you bad dreams.

Oh, that.

I've heard about that.

I suspect it's just
a big fairy tale.

Well, I don't know about that.

I'll never forget

what happened one
night to Mr. Jennings.

He was my first husband.

Poor man.

Anyway, he ate Welsh rarebit
for dinner, just like you're doing,

and you won't believe
what happened.

What? I woke up at
2:00 in the morning.

There he was, painting
the kitchen walls,

in his pajamas.

2:00 in the morning
and his eyes wide open.

You mean, he was asleep?

Sound asleep.

I had to shake the
ladder to wake him up.

Really?

Yes, indeed.

I never did feed him
Welsh rarebit again.

And you know what?

What?

He never did finish
painting the kitchen.

(murmuring)

(banging on door)

What's that?

I don't know.

Coming!

I'm coming, I'm com... Oh!

Get that, Boyle, get it.

Pyle, what is this?

Do you know what
time it is? Yes, I do.

Sergeant, it's high time
you and I set things straight

about what happened out there

on that infiltration
course yesterday. Huh?

Sergeant Carter, I
just want you to know

that I think the punishment
you gave me was unfair.

You had no right to talk
to me the way you did,

no right whatsoever.

Pyle... I resented it, Sergeant.

You talked to me like I
was still wet behind the ears.

Well, let me just
tell you one thing.

A man's got a right to make
a mistake now and then.

Any man. Pyle... I
mean it, Sergeant.

Don't try to make
up with me now.

You pushed me too far
yesterday and you know it.

If you think I... I don't
want to hear it, Sergeant.

I've heard all I want
to hear from you.

You just remember one thing.

I'm a human being
with human feelings.

You just remember
that, Sergeant.

Remember that. You got it?!

Did you hear that?

Did you hear that?!

Yeah. I'll k*ll him.

I'll shove a
dishonorable discharge

down his throat so fast...

Sarge, wait, listen. What for?

You heard him, didn't
you? I know, I know.

But did you see his face? Yeah.

And for the last time, too.

No, no, no, I meant he
had a kind of a glazed look.

So what, he always
has a glazed look.

He was born with a
glazed look. Come on!

We're gonna settle
his hash right now!

Sarge, will you wait a minute?

I'm telling you there was
something funny about Pyle.

Not to me. Sarge,
will you listen?

He was asleep, sound asleep.

Huh? So help me, Sarge.

He was either asleep
or out of his mind.

I'll give you that one.
That one I'll give you.

He's out of his skull all right.

Okay, go ahead.

I bet he's back in
his bunk right now.

See?

How do you know he's
not putting one over on us?

Okay, Pyle, the joke's over.

Okay, Pyle, enough is enough.

Oh, hey, Sergeant.

Yeah, Pyle, it's
me in the flesh.

It seems we have a
little difference of opinion

about my methods of
running the platoon, don't it?

Huh?

It seems you don't like
the way I handle things

out on the infiltration course.

It seems I'm picking
on you too much.

Well...

where in the world did
you get an idea like that?

Pyle, just tell me one thing.

What time did you hit the sack?

About 9:30, 9:35.

Been sleeping like
a top ever since.

You didn't leave your bunk?

Well, no, Sergeant.

You mean you didn't
leave your barracks?

Is that what you're
saying, Pyle?

No, Sergeant, I'm positive.

Where would I go?

You've been asleep?

You've really been
asleep all this time?

Well, absolutely.

Why, what's wrong?

Huh?

Nothing.

Forget about it,
go back to sleep.

I don't get it.

You know what I think? Huh?

I think we got a
sleepwalker on our hands.

A sleepwalker?

Well, what else?

Pyle storms in at 1:00 in
the morning, tells you off,

walks out again, and then
we find him sound asleep

like nothing ever happened.

Yeah.

He really looked like
he was asleep, all right.

Right, a case of somnambulism
if ever I heard of one.

That, too?

Hey, ma'am.

Don't tell me you're
back for more.

Yes, ma'am, one order
of Welsh rarebit, please.

I take it no bad
dreams last night?

No, ma'am... matter of
fact, I never slept better.

Well, good.

By the way, will you be wanting
more than one portion tonight?

Oh, I know I'm gonna want more,

but I don't think I'm
gonna have time.

You see, we're going
out on night bivouac

and the sergeant warned
me I better not be late or else.

Right.

But I'll make up for
it tomorrow night.

You can be sure of that.

A Welsh rarebit fiend.

Gluttony, gluttony, gluttony.

You say Pyle checked in on time?

Ten minutes early to be exact.

Well, thank goodness
for little things, eh?

What do you say
we call it a night?

Well, everything looks like
in good shape to me, Sarge.

PYLE: Vince!

It's me, Pyle, I
want to talk to you.

Vince?!

You just listen to me, Sergeant.

You're always complaining
I'm never on time.

Well, let me ask you something.

Huh? Have I ever been late,

Sergeant, ever in my whole life?

Huh, huh? Come on, speak up.

Cat got your tongue?

Look... I'll tell you, Sergeant.

No!

N-O!

I've never been late for
anything and you know it,

so if you got any ideas
about fussing at me,

just forget about it.

You got that?
Just forget about it.

That's all I got to say!

Did you hear that?

Huh? Did you hear that?!

Sarge, where you going?

Where am I going?

I'm going to throw that
meathead in the brig so fast...

Wait, Sarge! It's the
same as last time.

He's asleep again.

His eyes are wide open!

Right, just like last time.

That's what they say
about sleepwalkers.

They do everything
with their eyes open,

only they don't know it.

But I know it!

Right, and there's very
little you can do about it.

Then I'm going to find somebody

who can do something about it.

You say you've never
noticed this behavior before?

No, sir.

He's always slept like a log.

As a matter of fact,

it usually takes a 21-g*n
salute to wake him up.

I see.

You don't think it's
anything serious, do you, sir?

No, it's not likely.

Occasional sleepwalking

when there's no prior
history to such behavior

is usually due to some
temporary stimulus.

Sir?

Well, sometimes the
body's chemical equilibrium

can be thrown off balance

by a reaction to some
specific type of food or drink.

Do you know anything about
his off-base habits lately?

Where he's been going?

Uh... no, sir, not really.

I mean, he don't talk about 'em.

I'd look into it, Sergeant,

especially since it could
affect his future in the Corps.

Sir?

If there's no improvement
in his condition,

we may have no alternative
but to discharge him.

Discharge him?

That's right.

You know, a sleepwalker can
be a hazard in a combat unit.

Why, he could
jeopardize the safety

of every single
man in his outfit.

Isn't that so?

Oh, yeah, that's true, sir,

and if there's one thing a
combat outfit don't need,

it's jeopardizing.

That's why I say keep an eye
on him for everybody's sake.

Oh, I will, sir, I will.

Sleepwalkers have
to be discharged, huh?

I would say so.

Hey, Sergeant.

Good-bye, Pyle.

What was that, Sergeant?

Huh? What was what?

You said good-bye.

Oh.

Well, I was just thinking, Pyle.

Just thinking.

That's what I thought...
Just what the doc said.

Pyle's sleepwalking
is probably caused

by something he ate.

It's just a temporary thing.

Yeah, right.

It means all you
got to do is find out

exactly what it is
he's been eating.

Uh-uh.

Huh? What do you mean?

Uh-uh. That's what
I mean... Uh-uh.

You mean you don't intend

to investigate
Pyle's sleepwalking?

What for? What's to investigate?

Come on, Sarge, you can't have
him bounced out of the Corps.

Just because of
something he ate.

Look, I can't have a sleepwalker

in my outfit.

When the doc says
it ain't safe, that's it.

It ain't my decision anymore.

Right, but according to the doc

maybe you could
just snap him out of it

if you found out

what it is that doesn't
agree with him.

So, what if I do find out?

I got to think of the
platoon's jeopardy.

The platoon's what?

Jeopardy. Jeopardy.

That's a medical term

for what's going to happen
to the platoon out in the field

of Pyle starts to sleepwalk.

Come on, Sarge, aren't you
taking an awful to for granted?

For all we know, it may be
too many strawberry sodas.

Well, that's his problem.

But, Sarge, you've
got to investigate.

You're not the type of guy

to toss a fellow Marine
aside like an old shoe.

I think you owe it to a guy

who's been in the
outfit as long as Pyle.

What do I owe him?

I owe the platoon more.

If he's going to be a
thr*at to the platoon,

then there's only
one thing to do...

get rid of him, like
the doctor said.

But the doctor also said

it could just be temporary

and maybe you could
find out the reason for it.

But I guess you can
use that as your excuse

for getting rid of Pyle,

which is really what
you want to do, right?

Look, Boyle...
Excuse me, Sergeant.

Oh, Pyle.

What do you want?

Well, I just came by to
pick up my pass for tonight

if that's all right with you.

Oh?

Well, uh... All right, Pyle.

There you are.

Thank you, Sergeant.
Thank you kindly.

Pyle.

Yes, Sergeant?

You know, Pyle, I've
been meaning to ask you...

What have you been up to lately?

All of a sudden, you're
running into town every night.

Well... nothing much.

Just the usual movie

and strawberry soda, huh?

Well, not exactly.

You mean you've given
up on the milk shakes?

No, Sergeant, I still like
them as much as I ever did.

Uh-huh.

Well, good night.

Boy, you sure
seem to be in hurry.

Like you got something
special going on.

Oh, no, Sergeant.

It's just that I didn't
want to miss my bus.

Well, good night.

Pyle, you still haven't
told me where you're going.

Well, it... it's a new
place, Sergeant.

You mean for dinner,
that kind of thing?

Yes, sir, that's it.

Well, good night.

Oh, well, don't let
me hold you up.

You run along before
you miss your bus.

Well, good night,
Sergeant Carter,

Corporal Boyle.

Y'all have a nice evening.

A new restaurant, huh?

You know, the doc said it.

He's reacting to some
temporary stimulus.

That must be some pretty
good temporary stimulus,

if you know what I mean.

Come on, let's
find out what it is

before he gets arrested.

Do you know what I think, Boyle?

It looks like a front to me.

A front? For what?

Who knows. It could
be a lot of things.

And just how do you figure that?

The smile... the
smile on Pyle's kisser.

Strawberry sodas don't put
you in seventh heaven like that.

Come on, Sarge... Pyle,
sweet innocent Pyle?

Look, I only know one thing...

Sweet innocent Pyle
has been yelling at me

for two nights in a row.

And that kind of courage

you don't get from
sniffing ketchup bottles.

Hey, he's paying the check.

See you again tomorrow night?

Yes, ma'am.

'Cause it usually
takes me a good week

to eat myself out of a
taste for something I like

as much as Welsh rarebit.

Good. See you then.

Ain't you gonna say
what you usually say?

What's that?

Oh, pleasant dreams.

Thank you, ma'am, thank you.

I don't know, Sarge. Pyle
sure looks okay to me.

Sure he does.

And that dame serving him...

She looked okay, too.

Sure she does.

You mean, you suspect her?

Boyle, what are you,
a babe in the woods?

Don't you read the papers?

What? She looks
like a nice old lady

who runs a tea room.

Uh-huh, and you never
heard of nice little old ladies

who hold up banks?

Nice little old ladies
who commit m*rder, huh?

That nice little old lady?

I don't know. I
can tell you better

if I see her cellar.

You really think
this joint is a front?

What else?

Whatever he's getting here

don't take effect
until around bedtime.

Come on, now's the
time to find out what it is

he's taking.

Oh, oh, come in, boys.

Sit down, make
yourselves comfortable.

Thank you.

Would you boys
like to see a menu?

No thanks.

Why don't you just
bring us the usual.

The usual?

You know, what that Marine had.

You know, the Marine
that was in here.

Oh, you, too?

Yeah, me, too.

Well, so you're another one.

Yeah... (chuckles)

I'm another one all right.

Do you think you
can handle it as well

as that other Marine?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Even better.

You, too?

Hmm...? Oh, no, nothing
for me. Thank you, ma'am.

You know, I was wondering...

where do you serve it?

Where do you want it?

Where does the Marine have it?

Right here.

That's where I'll have it.

Huh? What do you think it is?

I don't know.

But I figure it's got
to be something

you eat, drink or smoke.

But if it's what
you think it is,

what are you going to do?

She's coming right
back with some.

Right.

So all I got to do is wait
until she turns her back,

then slip a sample
into my pocket

and rush it over to the
doctor to have hit analyzed.

Hey, I never thought of that.

(sniffs)

What's that?

That's what you
ordered... Welsh rarebit.

(chuckles)

(laughing)

What's so funny?

So that's it.

So that's what?

That's what's giving
Pyle the nightmares.

Haven't you heard the old
story about Welsh rarebit?

Huh? Well, yeah,

it's supposed to make you
dream like crazy... didn't you know?

Oh, come on, Boyle,

you don't expect me
to believe that, do you?

This is the 20th
century, remember?

Look, all I know is, I've
been hearing it for years

and it looks like
Pyle's proving it true.

You know, you've been
fighting pretty hard for Pyle lately.

You've been leaning over
backwards trying to defend him

like he was a
relative or something.

I'm just trying to
be fair, that's all.

Look, the fact remains... Pyle
has turned into a sleepwalker.

And if you think this stuff
is all it took, you're crazy.

And I'll prove it to you.

I'll prove it to you
just to show you

that I'm as fair as they come.

Watch, Boyle.

I'm going to eat
some of this stuff

just to show you that we
know only two facts for certain:

one, Pyle is a bona
fide sleepwalker,

and two, this is a
plate of Welsh rarebit.

And three... it's very hot! Boy!

(ticking)

(mumbling)

(mumbling)

(mumbling continues)

Hey, Gomer.

We're gonna settle
this thing here and now.

Here and now.

Sure, sure.

You say what you have to say

and I'll just wait
till your finished.

Darn right you'll
wait till I finish.

It's time I straightened you out

about the way you've
been treating me.

I know, and I'm
sorry about that.

You said you was
gonna wait till I finished.

I know, but I just
thought... Knock it off!

I'm gonna tell you something

right here and now.

You better start having a
little more confidence in me,

because I've had it with
your suspicions and mistrust.

Do you read me?!

Well, yes, I do.

What was that, Sergeant?

What did you say?

I said yes, I do.

I can't hear you!

Let's hear it, Carter!

You just gonna stand there?

Well, no, Pyle.

I just want to say
I really appreciate

your criticism.

Carter... It isn't every private

that would go
to all that trouble,

and I just want to say, thank
you, thank you, thank you.

Now you've said it,

so head on back to the duty hut.

Go on, move it,
move it, move it!

Hey, Sarge, Pyle!

Hey, wake up, Sarge.

Boyle... you?

Yeah, me.

It's 3:00 in the
morning. Look at you.

Hey, Corporal Boyle.

What is this, what's
going on here?

You don't know?

What am I doing out here?

How did I get out here?

I'll tell you what
got you out here...

A plate of Welsh
rarebit, that's what.

Huh? Yeah, and you too, Pyle.

Boy, that Welsh rarebit

was working great
tonight, I can see that.

What?

Yeah, you two guys were
doing a little sleepwalking

and dreaming dreams
you'd never believe.

You mean it's true
about the Welsh rarebit?

It's really true?

Sergeant, you mean you had
a plate of that Welsh rarebit?

I never did believe
that story either.

But I guess it's true,
on account of look at us.

Well, how about that.

I never would have believe it.

Pyle, you get back
to your quarters

this minute, you hear me?

But, Sergeant, I was
just... Knock it off!

If you think I'm going
to stand out here

in the middle of the night

listening to you jabber
away, you're crazy.

Now move! But, Sergeant...

Come on, let's go, move, move,
move, move, move! Move it!

That's more like it.

Move it! Move, move, move!

(bugle playing reveille)

(Carter's voice): All
right, you knuckleheads!

You heard that bugle!

Get out of those sacks
and fall in on the double!

Let's go! Move it,
move it, move it!

Did you hear me? I said move!

(whistle blowing)

(Carter's voice): Let's go you
knuckleheads, on the double!

Go! Go! Go!

Carter, you knucklehead!
You Lamebrain!

Is that the way you
fall out for reveille,

in your underwear?!

What are you, stupid?!
Well, talk, man, talk!

(Pyle's voice): I'm sorry, sir.

I'm as sorry as I can be.

Sorry? You're sorry?

I'll give you something
to be sorry about.

You get some clothes on you
on the double, do you hear me?

Right, sir. Right
away, Sergeant.

I'll do it as fast as I can.

Well, what are you standing
there for like a dumbbell?!

You need some help?
Okay, I'll give you some!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Sarge, you all right? Hmm?

Huh? Huh?

I thought you were feeling sick,

so I let you sleep.

But I heard you yell
a couple of times.

Are you okay? Are you all right?

Oh, Pyle is here reporting
for those extra duties

you said you want him to do.

Say something.

Huh?

I want him to talk.
Say something.

Say good morning.

(normal voice): Good
morning, Sergeant.

Good morning, Pyle.

Sarge, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm okay.