04x02 - The Recruiting Poster

[bunniefuu]

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

You know, Boyle,
I been thinking.

By rights, he ought
to pick a sergeant.

Huh?

This artist that's coming to
paint the recruiting poster,

he ought to pick a sergeant.

Yeah? Why?

Well, it makes sense.

Who better to represent
the Corps than a sergeant?

The guy that makes
things tick, right?

Yeah, but there are no hard and
fast rules about recruiting posters.

This artist may pick a...

a corporal. A corporal?

Well, yeah. They might decide
to go with a nice, tall corporal.

What's height's
got to do with it?

Napoleon was short.

And he was a corporal.

Look, Boyle, I don't have
all day to stand around here

discussing m*llitary
history with you.

Why don't you get them
requisitions over to Supply.

Oui, oui, mon Capitaine.

Pyle, what are you doing here?

You sent for me, Sergeant.

I'm supposed to
clean up the duty hut.

Well, that don't give you the
license to come around here,

sneaking up on people
and spying on them.

But I wasn't spying,
Sergeant. Honest, I wasn't.

If you're wondering
what I was doing,

I was just checking
out a cut on my chin.

I got it shaving.

Oh, that's a shame, Sergeant.

Where is it? I don't see it.

Well, it's gone now.

I happen to have
very fast coagulation.

Well, good for you.

It's a lucky thing you
ain't like my Uncle Aaron.

He's a bleeder.

Why, he can get a little
ol' paper cut sometimes

and bleed... Yeah, yeah.

Look, Pyle, uh...

you didn't happen to see
any civilians on the base?

A civilian with a beard?

No, sir.

There's an artist
supposed to check in.

He's going to paint the
new recruiting poster.

Yes, sir, I heard.

I hear they're gonna
pick somebody

right here on the base.

Yes, sir, I heard.

I wonder who they'll pick.

I don't know.

My guess is a
noncommissioned officer.

I mean, who else, huh?

A sergeant.

You know what?! What?!

I got a suspicion... I
ain't sure, mind you,

but I've got a
suspicion. About what?

Well, I can't think of
anybody better for that poster

than you, Sergeant Carter. Me?

Why not? You've been in
the Marines a lot of years,

and you're a sergeant.

Who could represent
the Corps better than you?

Me?

Why, the thought never

even crossed my mind.

But, like you say,
it's just a suspicion.

But it's a strong
suspicion, Sergeant.

Why, that face of
yours is just perfect

for a painting.

It is?

That strong chin...

that rugged, determined look...

them cold, steely eyes.

How about the flaring nostrils?

And the flaring nostrils.

Fact is, something I
noticed this very minute...

If you had a cleft in your chin,

you'd be the spitting
image of Kirk Douglas.

Really?

Kirk Douglas! Kirk Douglas!

I don't know why in the world I
never have noticed that before.

He's always been
one of my favorites.

And he looks just like you do.

I don't know why...

Hey, wait a minute,
what are you doing?

Well, cleaning up,
like I'm supposed to.

Are you kidding?

A man with your intelligence

shouldn't be doing janitor work.

Go, my boy.

Relax.

Keep thinking good thoughts.

Well, thank you, Sergeant.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Kirk Douglas! Kirk Douglas!

What are you doing here, Pyle?

Oh, hey, Sergeant.

I think that
artist fella's here.

This looks like his car with all
those paints and brushes and stuff.

Yeah, this is him all right.

He must be in
the colonel's office.

Why don't you go
in and meet him.

Let him get a good look at you.

Nah. I don't want to make
it look like I'm pushing.

He'll get to see me soon enough.

Oh, the artist.

In the office, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, maybe I ought to
go in and, uh, set the time.

Set the time?

For what?

For when he wants me
to pose for that picture.

I'm ready.

You're ready? With that face?

Look, Hacker, the
whole idea of this poster

is to get recruits,
not scare them away.

Well, if you're figuring
on being the one, forget it.

With that kisser of yours,

the Marines who are
already in will go over the hill.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'll just drop in and see

if there's anything I can do.

You know, to make the
artist feel more at home.

Oh, that... that
ain't necessary.

Look, Charlie, if there's
one thing about me...

I don't like to do
anything underhanded,

so I'll level with you.

The colonel's
already assigned me

to show this guy around
and take care of him.

Oh, is that so?

Yeah. In fact, I was on my way
in there when you came along.

Ain't that right,
Pyle? Oh, well...

You see?

So, uh, being as he's
had a long, hard trip,

I thought I'd let him unwind.

I was going to take
him by the Officers' Club,

let him go in the steam room,

get a massage, sh**t a
little pool with the boys.

Good morning,
sir. 'Morning, sir.

'Morning. As you were, men.

Gentlemen, I'd like you to
meet Miss Leslie Forbes.

How do you do? Good
morning. Miss Forbes.

She's the artist

who'll be doing the
new recruiting poster.

Miss Forbes will be
observing all the men in action.

You just continue
about your normal duties,

and she'll be wandering
around among you,

looking for just the
right type for the poster.

Is that right, Miss Forbes?
- That's right, Colonel.

If you should need
anything, Miss Forbes,

Sergeants Carter and Hacker
will be glad to be of service.

Yes, ma'am. Anything
you'd like, Miss Forbes.

Just call on me any time, ma'am.

Anything you'd like, Miss
Forbes. I'm Sergeant Hacker.

Anything, anything at
all... All right, gentlemen!

Now I'll show you to
your quarters. Thank you.

Anything.

It's a lady.

The artist is a lady.

Yeah, well, good luck on finding a
his-and-hers steam room on the base.

What's up, Sarge?

We don't have any dress parades
scheduled for today, do we?

Is it a special guard detail?

Is something doing
up at headquarters?

You're sitting on my gloves.

What are you doing?

Boy, you're full of
questions today.

"Where are you going?
What are you doing?

What's this? What's that?"

I still don't get it. Why
the dress blue uniform?

Why?

Because it's there.

Look, Hacker, that uniform
ain't gonna help you.

You're still stuck
with that face.

Look who's talking.

If I had a puss like yours...

As you were.

Why the dress blues, gentlemen?

Uh... Uh...

I don't recall any dress
parade scheduled for today.

There wasn't, sir?

We must have been
misinformed, Sergeant Hacker.

Obviously, Sergeant Carter.

Oh, good, you're ready.

Good morning, gentlemen.

'Morning, Miss Forbes.
'Morning, Miss Forbes.

Sergeant Hacker here.

Carter... Sergeant Carter.

Anything I can do for
you, ma'am, anything...

I was just taking
Miss Forbes to lunch.

Where are we eating?

I thought right here
at the Officers' Club.

Wonderful.

Good-bye, Sergeants.

Hacker, ma'am. Carter, Carter.

You know what, Hacker?

You look stupid.

All right, you people, fall in!

Come on, on the double!
Move, move, move, move, move!

If memory serves me,
exactly ten minutes ago,

I gave you people an
order to police up this area.

Now it seems to
me in ten minutes,

a platoon of big, strong,
able-bodied Marines like yourself

could do the job.

But is the job done?

No.

And do you know
why it ain't done?

Because you men are
derelict in your duties.

Very derelict.

And who is the
derelict-est of them all?

You, Pyle, you.

Let me remind you
that policing an area

is no different than any other

Marine Corps operation.

You got to do it
like you mean it.

With muscle, with
esprit de corps,

with gung ho!

And that goes
for the rest of you.

Just remember, when you are
picking up them cigarette butts,

your conduct reflects on
the entire Marine Corps...

From the Halls of Montezuma
to the Shores of Tripoli.

Pyle!

Hey, Sergeant Hacker,
did you want to see me...?

Who gave you
permission to talk? Well...

How long you been
in the Marines, boy?

Over three-and-a-half years.

Don't you know you
just don't walk up

to a noncommissioned officer
and start talking, boy? Well, sir...

Am I a noncommissioned
officer? Yes, sir.

What's my name? Sergeant Hacker.

Who?! Sergeant Hacker!

Right. And I stand before
you as a symbol of leadership,

and your respect for
that leadership is vital

if we're to carry on in the proud tradition
of the United States Marine Corps!

Is that clear, boy? Yes, sir.

Dismissed!

Why, Miss Forbes.

Just what do you think
you're doing, Private?

Dusting my mattress, sir.

Dusting it or
b*ating it to death?

Oh, I always like to give my
mattress a good whacking.

You see, it's the only way
you can get all the dirt out.

Have you forgotten why
you're in the Corps, Private?

You're here to protect
this great country of ours

whose taxpayers
have banded together

to pay for your equipment,
and protecting that equipment

is as important as any battle.

So, any damage inflicted on that
mattress when in your possession

is a clear violation of the public
trust. You got that, Private?

Yes, sir. Yes, sir, what?

Any damage inflicted on this
mattress while in my possession

is a clear violation of
public trust. Right. Carry on.

Let's let them knock their
brains out for another half hour.

Hold it!

Hold it! Knock it off! Hold it!

No, no, no, you're going at
it like a bunch of pussycats.

Private Pyle, suit up.

Give me that.

This is k*ll or be k*lled.

Hand-to-hand combat.

You got to hit hard and fast.

Private Pyle...

En garde.

Pump... pump... pump!

That was very good, Sergeant.

But if I might add a point here.

Now, a blow to the head

is okay for knocking
the enemy unconscious,

but for the actual k*ll,

a thrust to the midsection
is the most effective way.

Private, en garde.

Agreed?

Well, why don't
we ask the private

which one is the most effective?

Private, which one?

Well... well...

Golly... you both
done very well.

Come in, Miss Forbes, come in.

Please sit down.

Thank you.

Well, how goes the
search for your Marine?

Actually, the search is over.

I've chosen my subject
and I'm ready to start to work.

Well, that's fine.

May I ask who the
lucky Marine is?

He's a private first class.

His name is Pyle.

Gomer Pyle?

Oh, is that his first name?

Anyway, I think he's
just perfect for the poster.

Would you mind telling me

why you selected
this particular man?

Well, to me, he
epitomizes the Marines.

He's tough as nails.

Pyle?

I've seen him bellowed at,
badgered, knocked about,

but no matter what those
sergeants throw at him,

he takes it all
without flinching.

Well, as long as you're
enthusiastic about him,

I'll arrange to
have him relieved

of his duties temporarily
so he can pose for you.

Oh, no, Colonel, please,
I'd rather you wouldn't.

A posed picture always comes
out looking just like that... posed.

I'd like to just follow
him and sketch him

without his knowing about it.

Fine.

Do you think he'll be surprised?

I think a lot of people
will be surprised.

Sergeant Carter.

Psst, Sergeant Carter.

What, Pyle?

You won't believe
this, Sergeant,

you just won't believe this.

Believe what?

That Miss Forbes, she's
over there starting to draw.

I told you you'd be
the one she'd pick.

Yeah... How about that?

It's a strange way
to go about it, though.

I thought she'd want
me to pose for her

like all them artists do.

I guess she just wants
to catch you in action.

You know, that's what
the Marines are known for

is action.

Yeah, that must be it.

Okay, if that's what she
wants, that's what she'll get.

On your feet, Private!

The rest of you
people, listen up.

When conditions permit,

the mortar crew will
wait at least one minute

before attempting
to unload the round

in order to prevent an accident

by a possible misfire
of the ignition cartridge.

Hey, Charlie, you're not
going to chow, are you?

Why not?

Well, I didn't think
you'd be hungry.

After all, the last
couple of days,

you've been
eating a lot of crow.

What are you talking about?

Eh... it's tearing
you up inside, ain't it?

It's tearing you up
that for two days,

she's been following
me around instead of you,

that it's me on that
canvas and not you.

What makes you so sure?

Look, has she been anywhere
near your platoon, anywhere?

Well, don't be so smug until
you see how it comes out.

With your kisser,
the paint might curdle.

Yeah.

It's tearing you up
inside, tearing you up.

Hey, Pyle.

Yes, Sergeant?

Come inside, I
want to talk to you.

Pyle, have you seen
Miss Forbes around today?

No, I haven't, Sergeant.

Well, I, uh, guess she's
back in her quarters,

putting the finishing
touches on my painting.

You know, I'm just dying
to know how it turned out.

Well, why don't you
go over and take a look?

That's the only way
you'll ever know.

No, I can't do that.

Well, first of all, I don't
want to seem too anxious,

and second of all, I
hear the artists don't like

the subjects seeing the
picture until it's finished.

Yeah, I guess there is
kind of a superstition there.

Hey, wait a minute.

Why don't you take a look?

Me? Well, sure.

You ain't the
subject, so it's okay.

Just sort of wander in
casually, take a gander at it,

and bring me back a report.

Well, all right,
Sergeant, I'd be happy to.

I've been dying to
see what it looks like.

I just know it'll be a
picture we'll all be proud of...

Not just the fellas here
at Camp Henderson

but the whole United
States Marine Corps.

Well, I'll tell you
one thing, Pyle,

I'm going to do my darnedest

never to let the image
of that picture down.

Come in.

Hey, Miss Forbes.

Why, hello, Gomer.

I hope you don't mind
my dropping by like this.

I know how busy you are.

It's quite all right,
I'm glad you did.

Thank you, ma'am.

You want to see the
painting, don't you?

Could I, ma'am?

Well, I was planning

to give everyone a
preview peek tomorrow,

but I don't see why
you can't see it now,

you of all people.

Well, it's real kind
of you, ma'am.

Ever since you
started this painting,

I've just been chomping
at the bit to take a look at it.

Oh, Lordy, it's me!

Do you like it?

Well, you painted me, that's
me up there in that picture.

Why did you paint me?

Why me?

Is something wrong?
Don't you like it?

Oh, Miss Forbes, I don't
know how to tell you this.

What is it, Gomer?

Well...

I appreciate you
picking me as the one...

I'm really proud that you did...

But there's somebody else

that's been in the Marines
a lot longer than I have,

and he's the one that
should be up there, not me.

What do you mean?

Well, it's my sergeant,
ma'am, Sergeant Carter.

Golly, all the time that you
were following us around,

I assumed it was him,

and what's worse is, well,
he assumed it was him.

Believe me, he
represents the Marines

a lot better than I can.

Well, I understand your feelings
about your sergeant, Gomer,

but I found you to be a
better subject for the poster.

Oh, my, oh, my.

Sergeant Carter is
going to have a fit.

He's going to have a real fit.

He was really counting on this.

In fact, he's the one
that sent me over here

to find out how his
painting turned out

and then give him
a full report on it.

Oh...

I don't know how I'm
ever going to face him.

Ever since I've
been in the Marines,

I've been under
his watchful eye.

He's the one that made
a Marine out of me,

and now for me to get all
the glory instead of him...

oh, I think I may run away.

Pyle.

Pyle!

Pyle!

Pyle! Pyle!

Hey, Sergeant.

Pyle, where have you been?

You were supposed to
bring me back a report.

Remember?

Oh, well, I thought I'd smooth
the ground out in this area.

You know what you always say.

"I want the ground in this area

so smooth a person
could glide on it."

Never mind about that.

Just give me the
dope. How was it?

How was what, sir?

The painting, the painting.

What else?

Oh, the painting.

Oh, well, uh, she's a real
good artist, Sergeant, real good.

Yeah?

Tell me all about it and
don't skip a single detail.

W... promise me
one thing, Sergeant.

Promise you won't
be too disappointed.

Oh, no.

Don't tell me she blew it.

You just said she
was a good artist.

Well, she is, Sergeant,

but, well, you know
how these artists are.

They see things
different than we do.

How different?

Well, just different
than you'd expect.

Well, can't you give me
a hint, for Pete's sakes?

Do I at least look like me?

Is there any resemblance at all?

Well, just promise me you
won't be too upset, Sergeant.

Oh, forget it. When the
time comes, I'll see it myself.

You send a
knucklehead on a mission,

that's what you get...
A knucklehead report.

At ease.

As you all know,

we have been privileged
for the past few days

to have in our presence

the renowned artist
Miss Leslie Forbes.

She has graciously
contributed her talents

to the creation of the next
Marine recruiting poster,

and before it's turned
over for copying,

she wanted some of you
men to see the original work.

And to unveil this painting,

I give you the artist
herself, Leslie Forbes.

Thank you, Colonel Gray,

and thank all you men
for your cooperation

during my stay here.

It's been my privilege
to be among you.

I hope you like what I've done,

and now for your approval,

here is the picture

for the new Marine
recruiting poster.

Hey, that's Gomer, that's Gomer!

Hey, it's Gomer!

Hey, yeah, Gomer,
you son of a g*n!

Hey, Vince, let's
play a little game.

What's wrong with that picture?

Now may I explain something?

As you have noticed,

there's an eye in
the background.

I feel that this is an
important part of the painting

and will do much
to help sell recruits.

It's the watchful eye of the
Marine behind the Marine,

the backbone of the
Corps... The sergeant.

This eye represents that man,

and it happens to be the eye of
Gomer's own platoon sergeant,

the man who molded
Gomer into a Marine...

Sergeant Carter.

Is that my eye, really?

Yes, it is.

I think it makes the picture.

You know something?

There is a resemblance.

Hey, Sergeant.

Oh, hi, Pyle.

Look, they got our poster out.

Golly, sure looks smart.

Makes you real proud, don't it?

Yeah, it's really something.

Kind of inspiring, ain't it?

In case you didn't
notice, that's me.

No, the eye, the
eye... That's me.

The Marine behind the Marine.

That's right, the
backbone of the Corps,

the leader that
takes green recruits

and molds them into men.

My eye.