04x23 - Sergeant Iago

[bunniefuu]

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

Oh, hi, Pyle.

Another big date
with Lou-Ann tonight?

Uh-huh. I'm gonna meet her just
as soon as she gets off from work.

It must be nice to
have a steady girl.

It sure is.

Say, Lester, when you
gonna get yourself one?

Oh, I don't know, Pyle.

I haven't been very
lucky with women.

I did go out with a
girl a few months ago

who was rather fond of me.

Unfortunately, her
father hated me.

Oh, that's a shame.

Then a few weeks ago,

I met a girl whose father
took a real liking to me.

Well, that's wonderful.

The girl hated me.

Don't you worry, Lester.

Someday you'll
find the right one.

You know what they say...
"For every man there's a woman."

You're just gonna have to wait
on one that ain't so particular.

Miss Poovie, I sure am sorry I
had to keep you late this way.

It's just that I've got to
get this inventory finished

before Mr. Hawkins
takes over the store.

Oh, that's all right,
Mr. Engelhart.

I understand.

I still just can't believe

you're not going to be
around here anymore.

I'm going to miss you.

I'm going to miss you, too.

I'm going to miss it all.

Well, I guess I
better go call Gomer

before we start in
on the sheet music.

I just don't see how
I'm gonna be able

to keep our date
for dinner tonight.

Oh, you had a date with Gomer?

That's a shame. I'm so sorry.

Oh, that's all right.

I'm sure Gomer will understand
when I tell him the reason.

He's so understanding.

You can't make it tonight?

Pyle, make it snappy.

The whole rest of the week, too?

Well, all right.

If that's the way it's gotta be.

Don't you worry, Lou-Ann.

It'll just make the next time we
meet that much more exciting.

Pyle.

Uh, Lou-Ann,

I think the sergeant
wants to use the phone

and you've got your
inventory to get back to,

so good night.

Good, Pyle. That's good.

I thought it was ingrown
into your ear or something.

I'm sorry, Sergeant.

It won't happen again.

But it was kind of an emergency.

Yeah, so I heard.

Got the ol' brush-off, huh?

Beg your pardon?

Working late.

You think she'd come
up with something

more original than that.

You got them
transfer papers, Boyle?

Sergeant, are
you trying to tell me

Lou-Ann wasn't
telling me the truth?

I ain't saying nothing, Pyle.

It's just something
to think about.

But Sergeant...

A word to the
wise, Pyle, that's all.

Good-bye, Pyle.

Why do you want to shake
him up like that, Sarge?

Huh?

Telling Pyle that his
girl is brushing him off.

Well, maybe she is, Boyle.

What is that stuff...

Working late tonight
and the rest of the week?

Boy, if that don't sound
like the beginning of the end.

She could be working late.

Yeah, but I've heard
that line before.

I use it all the time on Bunny.

You know what a liar I am.

I'm sorry I have to leave
you like this, Miss Poovie,

but I did promise my wife I'd
take her to the show tonight.

Oh, that's all right,
Mr. Engelhart.

I understand.

Well, I better say good
night to the new boss, huh?

Good night, Mr. Hawkins.
See you tomorrow.

HAWKINS: Night.
Good night, Miss Poovie.

Night.

Whew. I never saw so
many ledgers in my whole life.

I'm sorry, Miss Poovie, I
had no idea it was this late.

That's all right, Mr. Hawkins.

Please, the name is Fred.

Fred.

Tell you what, Lou-Ann.

Since it's entirely my fault
that you're working so late,

the least I can do
is buy you dinner.

What do you say?

Well, actually, I hadn't
even thought about dinner.

Now, please, I insist.

In fact, you can consider that

your first direct order
from your new boss.

Okay.

Fine.

I'm new here, now,

you're going to have
to pick the restaurant.

And pick the best one in town.

Well, actually,

Jim's Steak House is very nice.

Jim's Steak House it is.

(soft music playing,
diners chatting)

You still haven't told me
what the occasion is, Vince.

I never dreamed we'd be eating
at Jim's Steak House tonight.

There's no occasion.
When I take my girl

out for dinner, it's
nothing but the best.

First class all the way.

That's the way I am.

Sergeant, may I have
the letter, please?

Oh, uh, yeah.

Thank you. Enjoy your dinner.

What was that?

Uh, nothing, Bunny, nothing.

Come on, Vince,
what kind of letter?

All right.

I won a free dinner for two
in the Lucky Number Contest.

(laughing)

Oh, you don't have to
be embarrassed, Vince.

I think it's wonderful.

(chuckles)

Hey, you're not going to
leave your soup, are ya?

Well, I don't want to fill up.

It's delicious, but I got a
16-ounce steak coming.

Okay, hand it over. You
know what they charge

for this soup when
you gotta pay for it?

(quietly): Oh, not here, Vince.

Well, what do you
expect me to do,

ask the waiter to put
it in a doggie bag?

Now, if I can just
get that waiter

to bring me some more of
that "Parmesian" cheese.

Holy smoke.

What? What?

Look who just came in.

Isn't that Lou-Ann?

I just took a guess.

I just took a wild guess.

Vince, what are
you talking about?

Lou-Ann called Pyle
and broke her date

because she said she
had to work late tonight,

and I just took a wild guess

and said she was
giving him the brush-off.

And sure enough, there
she is with another guy.

How do you like that?

Well, don't jump to conclusions.

For all you know, he
could be a visiting relative.

Oh, yeah?

You think Charlie Smooth over
there is somebody's relative?

He's too beautiful
to be a relative.

The point is, you don't know.

Look, she's seen us.
She's covering her face.

You see? She didn't
want us to see her.

It's none of our
business, Vince,

so whatever you do, don't
say anything to Gomer.

But he happens to...
Vince, not a word.

It's not your place.

But he's one of my boys.

I owe it to him to let him
know what's going on.

Why are you so interested in
Gomer's welfare all of a sudden?

Well, I'd expect any other
guy to do the same thing for me.

Now, look, Vince, just butt out.

I'm very fond of Gomer, and
I don't want to see him upset.

So just keep your
big mouth shut.

But she...! Vince,
if you say a word,

I'll never speak to you again,
so help me. Now promise.

Okay, okay, I promise.

Women.

Here.

Take your soup back.

Sure.

Uh-huh...

Que sera sera.

Excuse me, Sergeant.

Did you say something to me?

Me? Did I say anything?

Well, just that second,
you said "Que sera sera."

What did you mean?

Listen, Pyle...

I think there's something
you oughta know.

I know it's none of my
business, but you should know it.

What's that, Sergeant?

You're gonna really
force me to tell ya, huh?

Golly, I'm not gonna force
you to do anything, Sergeant.

If you don't want
to tell me, I...

Eh... if you
insist, I'll tell you.

But just remember,

the only reason I'm
putting my two cents in is

because I hate to
see a fellow Marine

getting a raw deal like
you're getting a raw deal.

Well, I don't think that I'm...

Pyle, I'm talking about

your so-called lady friend,
Miss Lou-Ann Poovie.

Remember how she called you
yesterday and broke your date?

Yeah.

Pyle, I saw her last
night with another guy.

Huh?

Lou-Ann?

Are you sure it was Lou-Ann?

I'm telling you, I saw Lou-Ann.

I can even tell you where.

At Jim's Steak House,

sitting across from
Rudolph Valentino himself.

I don't believe it.

Pyle, so help me.
Bunny'll back me up.

That is, if we wanted
to drag Bunny into this,

which we don't.

Well, I'm sorry, Sergeant,

but it must've been somebody
that looked a lot like her.

Lou-Ann said she
was gonna work late.

Pyle, are you calling me a liar?

Well, gosh, no, Sergeant.

But I can't call
Lou-Ann one neither,

and that's what I'd be doing
if I believed you saw right.

Okay. Okay.

Just answer me one question.

Is she working again tonight?

As a matter of fact, she is.

Uh-huh... She
really is, Sergeant.

You see, her boss
sold out to a new owner

and she's got to
help take inventory.

Sure. Sure.

Sergeant Carter, are
you trying to tell me

that Lou-Ann ain't
being true to me?

Pyle, I didn't say anything.

But maybe you just better go
down there and see for yourself.

Go where?

To the record store, Pyle.

Tonight, when according to
her, she's gonna be working.

Why, I couldn't do that,
Sergeant; that'd be spying.

So?

I just never could
do a thing like that.

Well, you're gonna
do it. But, Sergeant...

Pyle, you as much
as called me a liar,

so you just get
down to that store

where's she's supposed to
be working and see for yourself.

But Sergeant, I
just hate to spy.

Spy! Spy!

Shazam.

I knew it. I just knew it.

Well, that ought to
be enough for tonight.

There's no sense
in pushing ourselves.

All right, Mr. Engelhart.

Mr. Hawkins, what do
you say we close up?

HAWKINS: Good idea.

We ought to have
this inventory finished

by tomorrow night, for sure.

Lou-Ann, do you have
any plans for dinner?

How about Jim's
Steak House again?

Oh, really, Mr. Hawkins,
you don't have to.

Oh, nonsense. It's
the least I can do.

Would you like to join us?

Oh, no, thank you.

I've got to get home and
help my wife with the packing.

Oh. Thanks.

You should see the
stuff that we're taking.

Why, you'd think we were
going to Hawaii for a year,

not just a month.

You two go on
ahead, I'll lock up.

Thank you.

By the way, Lou-Ann,
what's your boyfriend doing

while we've got you
tied up these evenings?

Oh, Gomer's probably
back at the barracks

being very patient.

(laughing heartily)

Excuse me.

Could I talk to you for
just a minute, Sergeant?

Alone?

Huh?

Oh. Oh, yeah, Pyle.

I'll be right with you guys.

Well, did you go
down to the store?

Was I right?

That's just it,
Sergeant, that's just it.

You was wrong.

I went down there and Lou-Ann
was working with Mr. Engelhart,

just like she said she'd be.

Okay, Pyle, maybe she was.

But I saw your little friend
out with another guy last night,

clear as the white
around your eyeballs.

What about that?

I'm sorry, Sergeant, but
I just can't believe that.

Okay, Pyle, that does it.

Come on, you're coming with me.

Well, where to, Sergeant?

Down to Jim's Steak House.

We'll ask the waiter.

He'll tell you I'm not lying.

I'll be with you in one
minute, gentlemen.

Here. Sit down.

He'll tell you.

They were sitting
right over there.

I don't believe it.

I just don't believe it.

Hey, Pyle... take a look.

Tell me what you see.

It's just like one of them
instant replays on television.

It's true.

It's just like you said.

Yeah.

Let this be a
lesson to you, Pyle.

I don't say I'm always right,

but I'm never wrong.

Here's the sick call
list for today, Sarge,

if you care to check it.

Yeah, thanks.

What's wrong with Pyle?

I don't know, he was
kind of dragging around

real listless-like.

Well, it figures, after
what happened last night,

but he'll get over it.

It's just a matter of...

Excuse me, Sergeant,

I'm reporting back from sick
call for my duty assignment.

All right, Pyle.

The platoon's out back
policing up the barracks area.

Thank you, Sergeant.

Pyle.

(sighs)

Pyle, you've been in
my platoon from the start.

I've seen you grow from
a raw recruit to a man,

and I've suffered with
you every step of the way...

And I mean suffered...

So you can imagine how I feel

when I see one of my boys
getting kicked in the teeth

by a conniving dame.

I appreciate you worrying
about me like that, Sergeant.

Pyle, don't you think I
know what's bothering you?

Your girl two-timed
you and you're upset.

Well, instead of
just moping around,

you should do
something about it.

You shouldn't let
her get away with it.

I don't know what
you mean, Sergeant.

Okay, let me ask you a question.

What are you going
to do about the fact

that you're being
played for a sucker?

Well, I don't know.

I thought I'd just call Lou-Ann

and ask her straight out
if what I saw was true.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy!

Did you hear that? He's
going to call Lou-Ann.

Yeah, sounds like a good idea.

Keep out of this, Boyle.

Don't you see, Pyle?

That way you'll be
giving her the satisfaction

of knowing you care that much.

But I do.

Look, Pyle, you
just stick with me.

Just leave it to the old master.

Shut up, Boyle.

Sergeant, are you sure
we're doing the right thing?

Pyle, this happens
to be a subject

of which I have
made a lifelong study...

Fickle females.

I don't know about this,
Sergeant, I just don't know.

Hey, Vince, what's
holding us up?

Are we going to
have dinner or not?

Yeah, come on, let's eat.

In a minute, in a minute.

Golly, Sergeant,
I still feel funny

about doing a thing
like this to a person,

especially a person like...

It's the only way,
Pyle, believe me.

Come on, let's go
get some dinner.

We're starved.

Yeah, come on.

Hold it down, will you?

Hey, look.

That feller must
be her new boss.

Yeah... which makes
the whole thing so cozy.

Look at him...

Curly hair, the flashy teeth,

and get a load of that car.

He's a swinger, Pyle, a swinger.

Did she tell you that about him?

(engine starts)

How about it? Can we go now?

What kind of a date is
this? I want to go, come on.

I've never been
treated like this...

I'm starving!

(tires screeching)

(horn honking)

(big-band music plays)

My, I certainly seem
to be taking advantage

of your good nature these days.

Why, it's almost embarrassing.

No, don't be silly.

It helps to keep
my conscience clear

for all the overtime
you're putting in.

Hold it!

Will you hold it?

Let's give 'em a chance
to settle down first.

Yes. Four, please.

This way.

(Carter clears throat)

Food.

Come on, hon, let's eat.

I'll order for all of us.

We'll all have the
Salisbury steak.

What?!

That's chopped meat.

Well, it's made out of steak.

Don't tell me...
That's hamburger.

Wait. What about a drink?

Yeah, aren't we going
to start with a drink?

CARTER: You can drink water.

That's how she looked.
You want to know

how she looked?
That's how she looked.

Like she didn't know a man was
allowed to play the same game.

Well, how did Pyle look?

Ah, you know Pyle.

He's just not used to
jungle warfare, but he'll learn.

(phone rings)

Company B, Corporal
Boyle speaking.

Who?

Uh, just a minute, I'll see if
I can get him to the phone.

Don't tell me.

Another personal call!

Another personal call

like nobody ever
reads the bulletin board.

Right.

It's Lou-Ann Poovie.

Yeah?

Well, go get him,
Boyle, on the double.

Uh, Pyle, drop the rake
and come over here.

You got a phone call.

So she decided to
raise the white flag, huh?

Well, I think we'll just
let her sweat a little.

Who is it, Sergeant?

Three guesses.

Lou-Ann?

It ain't the Queen of Rumania.

Will you excuse us, Boyle?

I bet she's going to
ask us about last night.

Well, let's hope so,
Pyle, let's hope so.

But what shall I tell her?

Just pick up the
phone, will you?

The burden of truth
is on her, not you.

And just remember, I'll guide
you every step of the way.

Hey, Lou-Ann.

I know how busy you are

and I don't want to detain you
from more important things, so

I'll simply address one
little question to you, if I may.

Well, sure, Lou-Ann.

Those girls

that you and Sergeant
Carter were with last night,

was that just an
accidental meeting?

Why, something that
happened merely by chance?

W-Well, uh...

She wants to know
if we met those girls

by accident last night.

Tell her the truth.

It was a planned date.

But Sergeant...

Go ahead, tell her, tell her.

Uh... well, no, Lou-Ann,
it wasn't no accident.

It was a planned date.

Oh!

And we're going
to see 'em again.

Go ahead, tell her, tell her.

And, uh, we're
gonna see 'em again.

Tell her it's the new you.

Tell her.

It's the new me.

That you're not a
one-woman man anymore.

Come on, come on.

Well, I ain't a
one-woman man anymore.

I see.

If one can play at
this game, so can two.

What's sauce for the goose
is sauce for the gander.

There's more than
one fish in the ocean...

Excuse me, Sergeant,
you can stop now.

She hung up right after "I
ain't a one-woman man."

Aha!

How do you like that?

You give these dames a
little taste of their own medicine

and all of a sudden
they get offended.

Sergeant, do you think
maybe we went a little too far?

Are you kidding, Pyle?

We didn't go far enough.

We've still got one
more step to go.

One more step?

The coup de grace, Pyle.

You're going to walk up
to her boyfriend tonight

and introduce yourself
to show the whole world

that you know the score
and you couldn't care less.

But why, Sergeant?

I just don't see
the point in it,

especially now that it's all
over between me and Lou-Ann.

To make it final, Pyle.

Total victory.

Show 'em no quarter.

It's a man's world and
we got to keep it that way.

Sergeant, I still don't see

how I'm gonna
profit by any of this.

Just leave it to me,
Pyle, just leave it to me.

(big-band music plays)

Look at that, will you?

Every night.

Come on, all we got
to do is follow the sheik

back to his table to
find you-know-who.

Golly, Sergeant.

Pyle, you can't turn back now.

This is it.

All you got to do is squeeze
the trigger and she's had it.

And him along with her.

Good evening, folks.

Oh, no, no, please don't get up.

Uh, let me introduce myself.

I'm Sergeant Carter and
this here is Gomer Pyle.

I thought you might
like to meet him.

Well, so you're Gomer Pyle.

You're the fellow that's
been so patient all this week.

Oh... he's been
patient, all right,

but I'll tell you the truth.

We ran out of patience.

That's why I brought
him down here tonight.

I realize I've monopolized
your girl and I want to apologize.

Oh, I don't think you
have to apologize.

We made our point.

HAWKINS: Well, I
did want to explain.

You know how it is...

All alone in a strange town
without your wife and kids.

Wife and kids?

But our work is done now and
we can get back to normal hours.

I don't know what I would
have done without Lou-Ann.

Not only is she efficient,

but if it wasn't for her
charming company,

I think I would have gone crazy.

Mr. Hawkins, do you
have a wife and kids?

Oh, yes, they're
joining me tomorrow.

They had to stay behind
until I could find a house.

Lou-Ann helped
me with that, too.

Well, that explains everything.

We didn't have to
do all those things

that the sergeant suggested.

You see, Sergeant?

All those...

Where'd he go?

I suspect the sergeant
has gone out to the kitchen

to see about cooking that crow

he's gonna have to eat.

Mr. Hawkins, I can't tell you
what a nice family you have.

Thank you, Gomer.

I can't tell you how nice it is

to have them out here.

Are they always
that well-behaved?

HAWKINS: Well,
I wouldn't say that.

Would you all excuse
me for a minute?

Sure, Gomer.

Hey, you guys, how
about some milk, huh?

(Hawkins laughs)

Sergeant Carter, what
are you doing here?

Look, Pyle, I did you a favor
looking out for your interest.

Now you got to do
me one in return.

Well, sure. What is it?

Come on, I'll tell you.

(coins clinking) It's Bunny.

She heard about them two
dames I set up to impress Lou-Ann.

Now she won't even talk to me.

Why, that's terrible.

It's worse than
that. It's a disaster.

She won't even give
me the chance to explain.

Well, maybe you ain't
using the right words.

Hello, Bunny? Oh, wait a minute.

Don't hang up, please!

At least give me the
benefit of a conversation!

What'd she say?

She said over her dead body.

Well, you just tell
Bunny to remember,

life is too sweet to be
soured by a hasty word.

Bunny, remember,

life is too sweet to be
soured by a hasty word.

To err is human,
to forgive, divine.

To err is human,
to forgive, divine.

And life is a bowl of cherries,

as long as you remember
nobody's perfect.

Bunny, will you listen?

Life is a bowl of cherries,

as long as you remember
nobody's perfect...