05x11 - Gomer, the Perfect M.P.

[bunniefuu]

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

This is one job I don't care
for; I don't care for it at all.

Aw, come on, it ain't so bad.

Even when I was in the fourth
grade and Miss Thompson

used to leave the room
and make me class monitor,

all the kids would start
throwing erasers and things,

and I was supposed to
report them, I never could.

I just run around the room fast
as I could, pick up everything.

Then when Miss
Thompson would come back,

everything would be real neat,

and she'd always wonder
why I was out of breath.

Gomer, you're a pussycat.

No, I just don't like being
in a position of authority.

Well, like it or not,
it's our platoon's

turn again and we got to do it.

Okay, you people, we're
all ready to shove off.

We all set?

Straighten that
armband, Fletcher.

All right, now you've
all done this before,

so you know what
to look out for.

If anybody gets out of
line, you put them on report.

Or if it's serious, you
slap them in the brig.

What's confusing
about that, Pyle?

Sergeant, the regulation
book says if they've

got an explanation we're
supposed to listen to it.

That's right, you
listen to them.

Then you slap them in the brig.

All right, let's move. Sergeant?

What? Before we
slap them in the brig,

ain't we supposed to be
sure that they're guilty?

Naturally.

You only arrest a guy if
he's doing something wrong.

Now, come on. Well,
suppose it looks like

he's doing something
wrong, but he ain't?

What are you talking about?

Well, you know
how it is, Sergeant.

Sometimes when there's a fight,

the fella throwing
the punches might just

be defending hisself,
and the fella on the ground

might be the
one that started it.

Then you haul them both
in and let the OD decide.

Your job is to clear
the streets of trouble.

Now, let's move.

Sergeant, do we use handcuffs?

If you can't control
them any other way,

yes, you use handcuffs.

You use whatever
equipment is necessary.

The important thing is to
stay on top of everything,

and do it quickly
and without fuss.

We don't want to draw
any unnecessary attention,

especially on a day like today.

It's Saturday afternoon
and there's always

a little trouble in
town, so... Sergeant?

What is it now,
Pyle?! What?! What?!

Well, I hate to interrupt you,

but I'm afraid
we're gonna be late.

Don't you think we
ought to get going?

Derzansky, Pyle,
this is your post.

This whole street
from the Bijou Theatre,

all the way around
to Tony's restaurant.

Now, Derzansky, I've
got confidence in you.

You've got a level
head on your shoulders,

you're on the ball,
and I can trust you

to handle any situation.

That's why I'm
putting you with Pyle.

I believe in teaming
up opposites.

Well, don't worry,
Sergeant, I'll do my part.

You've got no idea how
that don't comfort me.

Now you just stay on your
toes and keep an eye on things.

Yes, sir. Derzansky,
you keep an eye on Pyle.

And if anything
comes up that you two

can't handle yourselves,
just blow your whistles,

I won't be far.

Okay, men, let's go.

What is it, Pyle?

Well, I was just
testing out my whistle.

It's got a nice,
clear sound to it,

hadn't it, Sergeant?

Them little peas inside
must be brand-new.

Tsk!

Come on!

What's the trouble, Officer?

Ah, he just can't
handle the sauce.

A couple of drinks, he
starts swinging at people.

A night in the cooler
will straighten him out.

Well, ain't that a shame?

Yeah. Come on,
let's keep moving.

Just a minute, Ben.

Hey, fellas?

Uh, are you all planning
on going in this bar?

Yeah, we were thinking about it.

You mean to have a
couple of drinks, too?

Yeah, we were
thinking about that, too.

Well, before you do,
I'd like to say something.

If you're looking for
pleasure and relaxation,

there's plenty
other ways to find it.

Why, there's a real good
movie on down here at the Bijou,

a nice family picture.

It's all about this boy
and a mountain lion.

And it's guaranteed to give you

two hours of fine entertainment.

But if you go in this bar
and have a couple of drinks,

why, you might get in a
fight and all kinds of trouble.

So just think a minute.

Just stop and think a
minute before you go in there.

Okay, we thought about it.

You didn't really think that
was gonna work, did you?

Well, I had to try, Ben.

Part of our job is to
prevent trouble, ain't it?

Come on, Gomer.

Wonder what this guy's doing?

Hold it, Private.

Where's your cap?

I don't have it.

You don't? Well,
here's number one.

Well, wait a minute, Ben.

Before we put him on report,

you ought to give him
a chance to explain.

Do you have an explanation?

Uh, yeah, sure.

It was stolen.

See? If it was stolen,
it sure ain't his fault.

Ah, come on, Gomer,

you're not going to
buy that, are you?

Look, fella, we're not
just out of boot camp.

We know a phony
story when we hear one.

Who goes around stealing caps?

Well, uh...

Well, it could've
been a cap snatcher

in the neighborhood.

Maybe he was stealing them

and selling them
to surplus stores.

Yeah, that's it. It
was a cap snatcher.

Yeah? What did he look like?

Well, I didn't see him.

He came up behind me,
snatched my cap and he was gone.

See there?

Look, I'm sorry.

Why don't you just get on
back to the base real quick like.

Sure, I'll do that.

Thanks a lot, fellas.

I don't know.

I still think we should've
put him on report.

Pyle! Derzansky!
Well, hey, Sergeant.

That Marine that just
walked by without his cap,

you put him on
report, didn't you?

Uh, no, we didn't, Sergeant.

What? I was the one
that let him go, Sergeant,

on account of he
had an explanation.

Yeah? What was the explanation?

He was the victim of
a cap snatcher. What?

Pyle, anybody out of uniform,

you put them on report...
No questions asked.

I'm sorry, Sergeant. You
know what could happen?

Right now, Lieutenant Anderson

might pass that
guy on the street,

see he's out of
uniform and ask him

was he stopped by any MPs.

And he'll say,
"Yes, I was stopped,

but the tall, dumb-looking
one let me go."

Who do you think
Lieutenant Anderson's

going to chew out? You? No. Me!

I don't think there's a chance

of Lieutenant Anderson
seeing him on the street.

The private said he was heading
right straight back to the base.

You'd better be right, Pyle!

You'd just better be right!

Sergeant Carter!

Yes, sir!

Sergeant, this Marine
is out of uniform.

Now, how did he slip
through your men?

Excuse me, sir.

He was on his way
back to the base.

No, he wasn't, he was on his way

into the Kit Kat Klub.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. You promised.

Let's get with it, boys.

Put this man on report.

I sure will, Sergeant.

No! You do it, Derzansky.

Come here, Pyle.

Look, you'd better
straighten out right now.

If you get me in any more
hot water with the Lieutenant,

you'll be sorry you were born.

I'm sorry already.

When a man's out of
uniform, he's out of uniform!

And you don't ask any questions

or listen to any phony
explanations, you got that?

Yes, sir. Okay, now get with it.

"MP," in your case, that
stands for Mary Poppins.

Here comes one with
his shirt unbuttoned.

Ben, let me handle this one.

Now, look, Gomer...
Please, this time I'll be firm.

Please let me.

Excuse us, ma'am.

Private, your
shirt's unbuttoned.

Would you please button it?

Regulations, ma'am.

Oh, well, the button's gone.

It must have dropped off.

Well, I'm sorry as
I can be about that,

but there's no excuse
for being out of uniform.

No excuse at all.
You could get in all

kinds of trouble wandering
around town like that.

But I don't... Now you
don't argue with an MP.

You just come along with me.

Would you excuse me, ma'am?

Just come right on over here.

Look, it's only a button.
Why not give me a break?

Now, I told you not
to argue with me.

The best way to avoid trouble

is just to prevent it
from ever getting started.

Now, that's why I always
take around with me

a needle and a thread
and some buttons.

I've also got some
spare tie clips

and some extra razor blades
in case you need a shave.

Stop!

Find me Sergeant
Carter right away!

Gomer, you're going
to get us into big trouble.

We're supposed to be MPs,
not the Ladies Aide Society.

Well, I don't see anything wrong

with helping a
Marine in distress.

Yeah, but sewing on a button

in the middle of a street?

You say so! Yeah!

Oh, no!

Okay! Okay! Break it up!

Maybe you guys want
to settle this in the brig.

It's all right with me.

I don't think that's
necessary, Ben.

They just need setting straight.

No, Gomer, they're
going to the brig.

I think I can smooth
this whole thing out

without taking drastic measures
if you just give me a minute.

Gomer... Please!

Now, fellas, what
you all were just doing

is the worst thing
two servicemen can do

when they come to town.

How do you think that
looks to those civilians?

When you get a pass
to come in to town,

well, that's a privilege,

and that's a privilege
you got to respect.

So you've got to be
on your best behavior

at all times. Let's run them in.

Then they'll get the message.

They're both grown up, Ben.

I think they can
understand what I'm saying.

Now, you two fellas
shake hands and be friends.

Come on now, shake hands.

Come on!

Now, that's a lot better.

Now promise me there
won't be any more trouble.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah.

See there? That's
a whole lot better.

Imagine two men

in the same arm of
the service fighting.

Well, so long, fellas,
and y'all be good now.

See? We straightened that out.

And we did it without
having to arrest them.

Pyle! Well, hey, Sergeant!

What's going on?

Lieutenant Anderson
just blasted me again.

Is it true, Pyle?

You sewed a button
on a Marine's shirt?

Yes, sir, it's part of our
prevention policy. Huh?

A stitch in time saves nine.

An ounce of prevention
is worth a pound of cure.

It not only helped that Marine

with the missing button
keep out of trouble,

but not more than
a few seconds ago,

we prevented a fight
between a sailor and a Marine.

We just reasoned with them

and they seen the
error of their ways.

All right, come on!

Break it up! Knock it off!

Come on, knock it off!

Hold it!

Sergeant, get these
men off the streets.

Put them in the jeep
and we'll take them in.

Yes, sir. Come on.

Come on, move it.

It's my fault, Lieutenant.

We caught those two shoving
each other a few minutes ago.

Well, why didn't you
arrest them on the spot?

Well, I reasoned with
them and they shook hands

and promised me they
wouldn't fight anymore.

Sergeant.

Yes, sir?

You do something about his man

or I'll do something about you.

Got that?

Yes, sir.

Carry on.

Pyle, I hate you.

I know you don't do
these things on purpose,

and you really mean
well, but I hate you.

I don't know what I'm
going to do about you yet,

but for openers, Pyle,

turn in your sewing kit,

you're through as an MP!

Okay, Stevens, you're relieved.

Come on, Pyle!

Pyle, this is your post
for the next four hours.

Yes, Sergeant. Don't
worry, this time...

Don't talk, just listen!

So far, it's been May
Day all the way with you.

I've got the Lieutenant
breathing down my neck,

you got Derzansky in trouble,

and you've let down
the whole platoon.

I ought to confine
you to barracks,

but I'm short a man.

So I'm putting you
on this back gate,

because it's the simplest
job in the whole world.

All you've got to do is see
that nobody gets through

without showing their
identification card.

A machine could do
it, maybe even you can.

Now remember, nobody gets
in without their ID, but nobody.

And no exceptions.

And you don't listen
to any hard luck stories.

You go strictly by
the book, got it?

Yes, sir. Say it.

Nobody gets in without
their ID, but nobody.

And I don't listen to
any hard luck stories.

I got strictly by the book.

That's right. The
colonel doesn't even

get in without his
ID. The colonel?

The colonel! Until you make

positive identification,
he's not the colonel.

He could someone who
looks like the colonel.

You know, that's right.

They say for every
person in this world,

there's an exact double.

If there's another
like you, Pyle,

I hope he doesn't
join the Marines.

Now, look, I've got
a couple hours off,

so I'm taking
Bunny out to dinner.

I really shouldn't
be leaving the base,

I should stay here and watch
you like a hawk, but I promised her.

Oh, don't worry, Sergeant.

I won't make any
mistakes this time.

Oh, how the bookies in Las
Vegas would like to get in on that.

Now, look, Pyle, you'd
better not blow this one!

I don't want to get
any emergency call

to come running back
here, is that clear?

Yes, sir. Okay, say it.

Huh? What you're supposed to do.

Nobody gets in without
their ID, but nobody.

And I don't listen to
any hard luck stories.

I go strictly by the book.

Okay. Keep saying it.

Nobody gets in without
their ID, but nobody.

I don't listen to any
hard luck stories.

I go strictly by the book.

Nobody gets in without
their I.D., but nobody.

And I don't listen to
any hard luck stories.

I go strictly by the book!

The Wienerburger?

This is where you're
taking me for dinner?

Yeah. The food's great here.

Besides, it's right
on the beach,

and it's convenient.

You know I don't have much time,

so I figured we'd
grab a quick bite,

and we'd be right here

to sit and watch the
moon and the ocean,

and you know what I mean.

I know what you mean.

A cheap evening,
that's what you mean.

I thought we were
going to a seafood place.

Well, it's by the sea,
and it's food. Get it?

I just made that up.

I'm not in the mood
for hamburgers.

Hot dogs? And
that's your last choice.

That's their menu.

Aw, come on, Bun.

I got stuck with this MP duty,

and I've only got two
hours between shifts.

Oh, all right, all right.

I'll have a hamburger. Good.

With lots of onions.

Okay, without.

That's my girl.

Oh, no.

What's the matter?

My wallet... I don't have it.

Oh? I must have forgot it.

I guess I was so upset with
Pyle all day, I wasn't thinking.

Sure. Just like the last few
times you forgot your wallet

and guess who wound
up paying the bill.

Well, I didn't
leave it on purpose,

if that's what
you're driving at.

I just plain forgot it.

Well, then, if you
just plain forgot it,

let's just plain go back
to the base and get it.

All the way back there just
to get money for hamburgers?

Can't you lay it out?

Vince, I don't have it.

Nothing?

Not a cent. See?

How about a credit card?

Sorry.

Look, why don't
we just skip dinner?

Food's rotten here anyway.

I'm hungry, and I'm not
looking at the moon until I eat!

Okay, okay, I'll
go get my wallet!

I'm hungry! I'm hungry!

Like it would k*ll you
to pass up a meal.

Good evening, Colonel Gray.

May I see your ID, please?

Of course.

Thank you, sir.

It's a nice, warm
evening, ain't it?

Yes, it is. I just
went into town

to get my wife some ice cream.

I'm sorry to have
to do this, but

Sergeant Carter told
me to be real careful

of everybody that comes
through, and he said no exceptions.

He said, "Even if the
colonel comes through,"

he says, "you check his ID.,

"'cause he ain't
officially the colonel until

he's been identified."

And that's just what I'm doing.

Even though I know

it's you, I'm just
double-checking to be sure.

I'm double-checking everybody.

Very good, Pyle.

Glad to see you're
conscientious.

Thank you, sir. Colonel,

did you happen to get
the Raspberry Ripple?

The what?

The ice cream... did you happen

to get the Raspberry Ripple?

Oh, uh, no.

I got the Rocky Road Fudge.

Oh, well, that's real good, too.

I used to eat that all the time.

Only thing was,
those little nuts used

to get down there between
my molar and my wisdom tooth.

It used to just...
Pyle... Yes, sir?

Is everything in order?

Oh, yes, sir.

Thank you, sir.

And Colonel?

What is it, Pyle?

You'd better hurry
home with that ice cream.

It's beginning to seep through
the bottom of that paper bag.

Well, hey, Sergeant
Carter, Miss Bunny.

What you doing back here?

I forgot my wallet.

I got to go back in and get it.

Sergeant Carter? Huh?

May I see your ID, please?

How can I show you my ID?

Didn't you listen?

I don't have my
wallet, dumbbell!

Well, I'm sorry, but nobody's
allowed in without their ID.

Well, he left it in
the Duty Hut, Gomer.

At least that's what he says.

Well, it's true, and as soon
as I get it, I'll show you my ID.

Well, I'm sorry, Sergeant,
but I'm just going by the book,

and the book says nobody

gets in without
an ID, but nobody.

Pyle, who am I?

Sergeant Carter.

And who is this?

Miss Bunny.

Okay, then you've identified us.

Let us through.

Sorry again, Sergeant,

but you ain't officially
Sergeant Carter

until I see your ID.

Pyle, let me in,
and that's an order!

I can't, sir. I've
already gotten orders.

You give them to me.
You want to hear them?

Nobody gets in without a...

Hold it! If I'm the one
who gave them to you,

then I must be me, right?

Well, that makes a lot of sense,
and chances are you are you,

but there's a slight chance

that you may be somebody
that just looks like you.

Pyle, you're doing a good job,

a real good job.

You're a perfect
MP, and tomorrow,

I'll congratulate you,
but right now, let me in!

Yes, sir, just as soon
as you show me your ID.

Pyle!

This could be a trick.

You might be doing this just

to make me let you go
through, then you'd yell at me.

It's not a trick.

And I won't yell at you!

Well, I'm sorry, Sergeant,
but I'm just going by your rules.

And they're real
good rules, too.

The colonel was
just through here,

and he appreciated
the job I was doing.

So, listen, if you
don't have your ID,

then would you mind backing up,

'cause you're
holding up traffic.

Would you back up there, please?

Just this way.

Back up.

Come on back.

Well, what are we gonna do now?

Look, do you have
any money at home?

Because if you, why
don't we just...? No!

But this happens to be... No!

But I thought
maybe... No! No! No!

Okay, I'll get my wallet.

I'm not gonna let that
knucklehead ruin our date.

Let me think.

Sergeant Carter!

Well, I'm surprised.

I'm truly surprised!

Look, Pyle, this is ridiculous.

Well, I'm only doing my job,

and you told me no exceptions.

Now you'll just have
to go on back outside.

So, move along.

Pyle, I haven't got much time,

and Bunny's sitting
out there steaming.

I've only got another hour.

Well, you told me not to listen

to any hard luck
stories, remember?

No hard luck stories!

PX employee.

Yes, ma'am, go right in.

I'm sorry, Sergeant,

but you just can't
get in without an ID.

Good evening, sir.

May I see your ID?

Thank you, sir.

PX employee.

Go right on in, ma'am.

Mm-hmm.

Well, shame, shame, shame!

What's all this?

Lieutenant, you're
not gonna believe this,

but I've had to place
Sergeant Carter under arrest.

What?!

Well, I was on guard
duty at the back gate,

and Sergeant Carter drove
up and wanted to pass through,

and he didn't have his ID.

He said he'd left it
back at the Duty Hut.

You're bringing him in for that?

No, not on account of that.

After I told him he
couldn't come in,

he tried to sneak
in under the fence.

Go on, Pyle.

Well, I just made
him go back out again.

I brought him in, though,
for what he did after that.

What did he do?

Well, sir...

He tried to sneak in
dressed like a lady.

What's that?

He tried to sneak in
dressed like a lady.

Dressed like a lady?

The whole getup?

Well, no, not everything.

He had on a lady's
coat, and a bandana

and some high heeled
shoes, and he carried a purse.

I-I see.

In other words, he tried
every trick in the book,

and yet, you didn't let him in?

No, sir.

And all the time, you knew

it was Sergeant Carter,
your own platoon sergeant?

Yes, sir.

Good, Private.

Very good.

Congratulations, Sergeant.

Sir?

That was a terrific exercise.

There's no better way
to keep the man alert

than to keep testing
their awareness.

And using a
disguise like that...

Well, it was very ingenious.

Uh... yes, sir.

I was just seeing if I
could catch them off guard.

I do that once in a while.

Good idea.

And congratulations
to you, Private,

for not being fooled.

You handled the
situation perfectly.

Well, thank you, sir.

Very well. You can go
back to your post now

since the, uh,
case is dismissed.

Yes, sir.

Keep up the pressure, Sergeant.

I certainly will, sir. Carry on.

Well, I'll be dogged.

So this whole
thing was just a test.

Yeah, Pyle. I had an
idea it might be trick.

You know, I told you,
"This might be a trick."

Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm
glad I didn't fall for it.

I didn't let you down,
did I, Sergeant?

No, Pyle, you were brilliant.

I think it's just wonderful
how you keep coming up

with these ideas to
keep us on our toes.

Why, even having Miss Bunny here

so's it'd look
like the real thing.

This is genius, Sergeant,
just pure genius!

Yeah, Pyle, yeah.

Okay, Eddy, I'll
relieve you now.

Oh, Sergeant, your lady friend
asked me to call a cab for her.

She's gone?

Yeah. She left about
five minutes ago.

Said something
about being hungry.

Oh, brother.

Well, thanks a lot for
taking over for me, Eddie.

I really appreciate it.

All right, Gome.

Good night. Good night.

Thanks again.

Just a minute, Sergeant.

Huh?

Could I see your ID?

Pyle, you know I
haven't got my ID.

I haven't been back
to the barracks yet.

Sergeant, you are the one.

Just when I thought
you couldn't come up

with a test better
than the last one,

you come up with
an even trickier one.

That's just genius, Sergeant.

That's just pure genius.

Look, Bunny, I told
you, I'll handle it.

I'll go to the cab
driver's garage,

give him the money for the
fare and get your watch back.

Huh? Okay, so I'll
get your coat clean

and buy you a new pair of shoes.

Now, how about tonight?

What?

Are you crazy?

That's the most expensive
restaurant in town.

That's going a little too far,
Bunny, just a little too far.

I ain't about to stand
for... Hello? Hello?

Sergeant Carter?

Right, Sergeant, I'll
pick up them papers

first thing tomorrow morning.

Good afternoon, sir.

Afternoon. How's
everything today?

Everything under
control, sir, no problems.

Good. Did you put Private
Pyle back in duty in town?

Yes, sir. Fine.

I'm glad to see you're
giving him another chance.

He's on his toes,
that boy. Yes, sir.

I must say, I had
some serious doubts

about him in the beginning,

but he's come through
with flying colors.

I guess it takes
some men a while

to get the hang of things.

He is a slow starter, sir.

Sergeant Carter?

What's going on, Pyle?

Well, Derzansky had to
come back here to the base

with the corporal of the guard,

and while I waiting on
him, this little fella come up

and wanted to see how
my handcuffs worked.

You know how curious kids are.

So, while I was demonstrating

to him how they
work, they accidentally

shut, too, and-and I must have

lost the key, 'cause I
can't find it anywhere.

Put him back on
the gate, Lieutenant?

Definitely, Sergeant.